Have The Relationship You WANT

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Thank you for your brilliant comments and stories and testimonials, and I realize the only way I can answer you in a meaningful way is here in actual posts (please forgive me in advance for replying to some, and not all of your comments - it would be overwhelming for me to even try, so I try to pick the ones from new members of our community, and urgent or frightening issues - and I want to bless you all from my heart for the brilliant help you’re giving each other.  If I take issue with anything you say, I’ll reply for sure - but so far - you’re all right on!)  - So, here’s my take on this scenario a lot of you seem to be struggling with :

He wants to be a friend, but when you see him and have sex with him it’s amazing, and so you can’t understand why he’s merely “friendly” when he leaves.

Here’s the answer: Men are different from women.

He can have a knock-out, deeply emotional sexual experience with you - sex that “blows-his-mind,” in a way you can FEEL.  A way that feels just like the deep emotional experience YOU’RE having.  But it’s NOT the same as what you’re feeling.

When we have an orgasm with a man - all kinds of things open up.  The hormone oxytocin floods us, and binds us to the man in a scientifically physical and emotional way.  Even if he’s a man we weren’t initially attracted to - having a great emotional and physical orgasm with him will bring us into the “falling in love” range.

A man doesn’t work that way. His hormones work completely differently. His GUT tells him who to love and who not to love, and love, for him, does not GROW from not-love.  Love does not grow from friendship for a man.  And love does not grow from mind-blowing sex.  Sex only ADDS TO what he already feels - it CAN’T get those feelings STARTED.

And once his “infatuation” or whatever he felt for you at first turns to “friendship” - that’s pretty much it.

However - a man who’s “in love” in the first place does NOT turn his feelings into “friendship.”  If he says he wants to be “friends” - then that’s very possibly the way he ALWAYS felt.

You can save yourself so much pain by NOT ASSUMING ANYTHING.  Just because it looks like love to you, and feels like love to you - it doesn’t mean it’s love to HIM.

So what’s the only way to know what he’s really and truly feeling?

Over time, he will insist on a commitment from you.  That’s pretty much it.

That means - you NEVER stop dating other men until that commitment is coming at you.  And I don’t mean the “girlfriend” commitment - because that’s NOTHING (unless you’re young and still in school).  I mean the MARRYING commitment.  I mean what HE thinks of as FOREVER.

And if, over time, that commitment is not automatically coming at you, then you have to TALK TO HIM.

The absolutely MOST APPEALING thing a woman can do is SPEAK.  And what I mean by that is that you are able to say out loud, in clear words, in a very straight-forward and simple way - exactly what it is you’re feeling, exactly what it is you want, exactly what it is you want him to do in bed, exactly what it is you DON’T want.

If you can “Speak In The Moment” - so that there are few misunderstandings, so he doesn’t have to guess what’s going on with you (because that’s nearly impossible for ANY man - they just don’t work that way), so he can feel relaxed around you and not wonder why you’re tense or cold or what you’re really feeling…you will build an UNBREAKABLE BOND with a man who ALREADY LOVES you!

The possibility of “Forever Love” has to be there for him (and it’s not something you can understand or figure out) before ANYTHING else can kick in.

He has to feel that deep down sense of ATTRACTION - and although you are in control of so much about attraction (any of you who have my Modern Siren program can talk about that, I know) - there are parts of attraction you can’t have any control of.

There are pheremones, and links to his mother and father, and the sound of your voice, and things about you that feel familiar to him and things that feel strange - it’s like a “stew” for him that he just feels in his GUT.

Without the “raw materials” of whatever it is that kicks in attraction for a man - there’s nothing you can do.

However - there’s a lot you CAN do AFTER THAT.  All you need is the initial attraction, to know that it’s there for him in a scientific and gut level for him, and you can create more and more attraction until his “infatuation” or “initial attraction” turns into the real thing for him.

So - when you “Speak In The Moment” - when you Talk To Him.  When you ask him where he’s at, listen to him, and then use that information to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF - that creates MORE and DEEPER attraction.

What he says is what you get.  Men don’t get all gooey and confused when they talk.  For the most part, they tell the truth.  They’re just not as good at NOT telling the truth as we are (unless he’s a deeply gifted Toxic Man with a smooth tongue).

So if he utters the words “I want to be your friend” - beware.  Any energy you spend trying to turn that into passion will look needy, clingy, desperate - and like you aren’t HEARING HIM.

He will feel unheard and unsafe - and he will also automatically assume that YOU are telling the truth.

If you say “okay” to “sex buddy” status - he’ll let you.

He’ll figure you know what you’re doing.

He’ll figure you’re doing what you want.

He’ll let you take responsibility for you.

So don’t get mad at him.  He’s telling you to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. And don’t be confused.

To a man: Friends can have sex.  Friends can have PASSIONATE sex.  Friends can hold hands and kiss. Friends can hang out every night of the week.  Friends can do everything together that LOOKS like “relationship” to us.  But it isn’t. It isn’t relationship.

Because one thing friends can’t have is ROMANCE.  You can’t make it up, or will it into being.

And another thing friends can’t have is commitment and marriage. Because no self-respecting man would be interested in doing that - no matter how your “relationship” looks to you.

Thank him, and KEEP DATING.

Let me know if this helps…Love, Rori

I’m not pretty enough. I’m not sexy enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not (fill in the blank) enough. I’m not enough. Sound familiar?

You may have read some of Tinque’s comments here, and some of her articles that I’ve posted.  Her real name is Dominique, and she’s a former client of mine who’s just leapt light years in her own personal story to the point where she’s an absolute expert in a very specific area - self-esteem and feeling that you’re “enough.”

And what’s remarkable about her story is that what started everything going for her - from despair to the amazing place she’s in now (you have to read more and talk to her to understand that she’s gone farther with herself and her man than most of us can even imagine) - is that she discovered, very suddenly and rudely, that her man had been looking at porn their entire relationship.

Where some women, perhaps even most, would let this go if all other aspects of the relationship were wonderful (which they were) - it completely destroyed Dominique’s sense of herself.

It was as though her entire world crumbled, and every trauma and fear in her body came to the surface all at once and threatened to demolish her.  So, every time she writes something that I think will help you, too (and if this is your issue, I really recommend you go to her blog at www.tinque.blogspot.com) - I want to share it with you.  Here’s what tinque looks like now, and here’s her article:

I’m not pretty enough. I’m not sexy enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not (fill in the blank) enough. I’m not enough. Sound familiar?

We all have at one time or another encountered this, more so those who as a child did not receive encouragement, support, or love. The voices can be loud, loud enough as to paralyze or certainly impede movement forward whether it be something as simple as a daily task or something as challenging as spiritual growth.

I’m here to tell you that the voices lie. They ALWAYS lie, and it is possible to quiet them. You CAN come to know and own that you are, have always been, and will always be enough, perfect just as you are. That’s not to say that there isn’t room to expand your horizons; there’s always a place for trying new things, blossoming bigger, learning to feel better, feel awesome even and most of the time.

How? It’s not so much in the doing though acting for yourself will play a role. It’s mostly about reprogramming destructive thought  patterns, rewiring neural connections so that you can transform yourself from a frightened being, for that is where all this not good enough stuff comes from, fear, to one of power and love. It’s also about your changing your feelings and opening your heart.

A good place to start is in the little things. It’s also being patient with yourself, and most importantly being gentle with yourself. Make a list of all the things you like about yourself even if only a little, from your physical attributes to your talents to your qualities as a human. Look at this list every day, more than once if necessary. Keep telling yourself that everything you wrote is true no matter how much that other lying part of you protests.

The more you say it, the more you will believe it.

Every time you pass a mirror, stop and give yourself a big smile. Focus only on the parts you do like if only a little. Ignore the rest for now, for truthfully others do not see you in bits anyway. What people see is you as a whole package, mind and spirit included.

Tell yourself you are beautiful, that you love yourself. You will come to believe yourself about this too. Make a list of all your wants. Write them as choices, as if they already are a reality, in feeling terms, eg. I choose to feel sexy, and I love feeling sexy, I choose to feel calm when my mother or whomever nags at me, and I love feeling calm. I choose to be well read, and I love to talk about what I’ve learned, and so on. If you can imagine it, you can create it.

Do at least one nice thing for yourself everyday, something that feels good, eg. a hot bubble bath with a glass of your favorite wine tubside or curling up with a good book or movie, whatever feels good to you. Be a devilishly bad girl, and have fun doing it.

If you ruffle a few feathers, so be it. It will feel so good being true to yourself rather than trying to please others, and you know what, you will find that others will respect you more, and they may very well feel more comfortable with you for being you, authentic. As long as you’re not physically harming anyone else, if it feels good then it’s good for you.

When the negative voices start to push their way in, gently push them away over and over again. In time they will give up,or at least fade to an almost indistinguishable whisper far in the background. Another parting suggestion is to feel whatever it is you feel, all of it, even if you perceive it as a bad feeling. That’s okay, for repressing or suppressing any feeling will only add to your feelings of not being enough, pain.

So allow all feelings to flow through you, for they will morph.

Observe them, feel them completely, and then let them go. Another feeling will arise. In time, little by little, baby step by baby step, you can and will feel better, about yourself, about life.
I’ve been there, fallen into the depths of the deepest abyss, in despair, full of “I’m just not enough in any way,” but there was a little glimmer of hope, so with this desire, a dash of determination, and a large dose of dedication, I healed.

I know now that I’m more than plenty, and I feel really, really good, loving, lovely, sensuous, goddess like. Sure I waver here and there and so may you, but know it will lessen to feeling like a ripple, not the tsunami it once was.

Sure it will feel scary, especially at first, but the fear does fade. It really, really does. You too can heal. You really, really can.

Note from me: Tinque’s blog is named Porn On His Computer, and I’ve convinced her to actually coach by phone around these issues - Porn and your man, and self-esteem. So,if these are your issues, go ahead and find her on her blog and call her, and let me know how she helps you.

I’m going to follow this up with some posts about the “I’m not enough for you, so it’s okay if you treat me badly” syndrome so many of us women have running our lives.

Love, Rori