Carol says, “I would like you to review ways of telling a perfectly nice man you’re not attracted to him and won’t go out with him again.”
The simple answer to this question is: “I’m not available.” If he asks further, and you like him as a person, it’s “I felt really happy to know you and spend time with you, you’re a great guy, and it just doesn’t feel like a match to me…”
That’s it – you move on, keep Circular Dating, keep the attitude (and this is the truth) that if a match with a man isn’t right for you, it can’t be right for him either.
And yet – there’s a deeper issue here that I want to use this simple question and answer to jump off of:
I want to really be clear about this: If you can’t kiss a guy after two or three dates – I mean just kiss him and give him a chance – then you’ve got to let him go.
AND – I want you to take a look at who you’re choosing. Please look closer at the men you want to kiss – because there’s a huge chance you’re just used to choosing wrong.
Your inner “boy” is somehow “doing the looking” at a man – looking at him basically on paper, in your mind and your instinctive, habit-formed reactions – and saying, “He looks good.”
He looks good physically. He looks good financially. He looks like he’s got a good history.
Perhaps you’ve “got a lot in common” (again, that’s on paper and in the mind) – and so your inner boy is making that “yes” choice for you.
The thing is – that choice can’t be made by your inner boy.
That choice has to be made by your inner GIRL.
That choice has to be made from intuition, mixed with a huge awareness of what your real, core needs are in a love relationship, a huge sensitivity to your feelings about YOURSELF when you’re with a man, and a casual disregard for what you may have always thought of as “chemistry.”
It has to be made from how it feels to be with this man, how relaxed and self-loving you feel with him.
AND – your inner boy cannot allow you to get emotionally, physically and logistically invested to the point where you start to feel urgent.
The moment you feel urgent about a man, something is wrong. and if you’re emotionally, physically and logistically invested in him, along with the urgency comes anger.
The anger begins to feel like an attack, because the immediate fallout from a sense of urgency is the intense feeling that we’re being attacked.
Sometimes attacked from the outside – by others, by situations, by circumstance, by the world, by the Universe – and most often from the inside of us. We feel attacked by ourselves, which then makes us feel under attack from the outside.
Attack can look like: “I want to attack him for why he’s being a jerk,” or “I’m afraid he’s going to attack me by dumping me.”
If you’re feeling any of this, what’s going to happen is: your anger, resentment, frustration and disappointment are going to get bigger and bigger. And then you won’t know how to let it out towards him. It’s going to be too late.
The anger, resentment and disappointment you feel is in direct proportion to the energy and effort you’re putting out to the relationship.
In other words, you’re going to be angry with him if he doesn’t step up, because you’re doing stuff to try and make him step up or to keep the relationship going.
If you weren’t doing anything for him or towards him, if you were just watching him, leaning back, flirting with other guys, going dancing, hanging with other men who wanted you – you wouldn’t be anywhere near as angry.
When you wait for a man because you’re invested, you’re going to become angry.
Once we start to feel the anger, what follows is our sense of attack – and that’s when communication with him breaks down. That’s when we push him away. That’s when we break things.
So it all starts with a sense of urgency, the sense of attack, the sense of working too hard.
So – the deeper, more complex answer to “How do I say goodbye to a man I’m not attracted to” is: Before you say goodbye, before you simply follow your attractions down the same roads you’ve always gone down, use this moment to ask yourself what you really want.
Ask yourself if you’re pushing what you want away. Perhaps this “nice man” was just an “attempt.” A “try” at going for a “nice man.”
Those of us who’ve tried that have often got a man who has OTHER reasons that would have sent the red flags flying. Just being “nice” isn’t the answer, here.
You may be “not attracted” for reasons OTHER than physical – or “too nice.”
Partnership takes a set of skills. It takes, more than anything, the desire to WANT to be a partner – forever.
And the ability to hear the other person even when emotions are flying and everyone wants to run or attack.
Start with that when you’re looking for requirements in men and dealbreakers.
See if you can discover inside you an attraction to “partnership” – not to the qualities of any one man. Nice, handsome, well-off, poor, unpleasant, overweight, quiet, interesting – those are just labels.
Forget them, and look for partnership – and what that feels like.