Have The Relationship You Want

I went to dinner the other night with a family who’s raised 5 sons and daughters – all in college now. Since my daughter is that age now, I had a lot of questions to ask – mostly about relationships when you’re that young. I wanted to know how times have changed and get a little insight into what my daughter is dealing with out there. (I met her sons and daughter that night, and the sons were fantastic, and her daughter had a nice boyfriend.)

It seems to me that the men around my daughter now are so much more passive than what I remember – or at least that’s what my daughter and her friends say, but this woman, who’d seen WAY more than I, put me straight.

She said – “Girls don’t have to do ANYTHING! Girls are MAGNETS!”

And she was so confident, so sure about herself and her mothering and how her kids had turned out – and I realized she’d seen things not only from her daughter’s view, but from her sons’ – she’d seen their, and their friends’, and whole bunches of boys’ points of view.

So I took away that my Rori Raye methods work for ALL ages, and that boys and men are pretty much exactly as they always were. Men still want to feel like men and act like men in the most old-fashioned way. And girls – all girls, are magnets.

So how can I give you something to DO that’s about NOT doing ANYTHING?

Try this:

1. Picture yourself as a Magnet for men. See yourself that way from the outside.
2. Picture men running toward you from everywhere, pushing and shoving each other aside to get to you…
3. Now go INSIDE your picture and IMAGINE yourself DRAWING in men from everywhere – like a magnet you hold on the beach draws in thousands of little pieces of iron from the sand.
4. Now imagine that all you have to do is SMILE, and men will drop from the skies, fly at you from everywhere, and STICK to you like glue.
5. The next step is to simply EXPERIENCE how it FEELS to be a magnet (If you’re doing it full-out, it might feel uncomfortable and downright scary…)

I want you to do this small baby-step 24/7 – wherever you are, however you feel. KNOW that you already ARE a magnet -just because you’re a girl! (It doesn’t matter what age you think you are – you’re a girl, and you don’t have to do anything but BE what you already are!

Ever weep when you see a baby animal? Ever thought that would turn your man off, so you look away from him or get all embarrassed?

Well, that’s what we independent, smart, organized, successful, always busy with work, school or parenting women have been taught to do our whole lives – to be “tough.”

Some of us are lucky, and grew up in households where it was okay to cry – most of us were told to “pipe down.” We have the idea in our heads that it’s only MEN who were told growing up that “crying is s sign of weakness” – but we women were told that, too. We were told to not be “so emotional.” We were told not to “be a Drama Queen.” And so every time a real FEELING starts to come to the surface, we feel so vulnerable, and so embarrassed, we either stuff the feeling down or helplessly explode in dramatic scenes whenever we feel crummy.

So how does this affect your relationship with your man? If what we were told were right, we’d create more peace and harmony and good feelings by keeping our feelings under wraps – but it does just the opposite!

Not being able to open up to a man creates a WALL between you. It makes him unable to get to you – to your heart – and after a while he just gives up trying. There’s just no way a man can feel safe enough to open HIMSELF up to YOU if you can’t open up to him, and show him who you are – first.

Yes, a man might have a difficult moment or two around us when we cry, but within seconds, he’s usually RELIEVED. And, ultimately, it’s what both of you need.

So, next time you see a movie that makes you cry, or see a cute animal picture in an email, or think of some injustice in the world that makes you want to cry and then spit in fury – turn to your man.

Let the tears run down your face, and just be still and don’t apologize. This is what he wants to see – this is what he wants – a woman who can feel, so that HE can feel safe to feel in YOUR presence.

Next post will be “The Emotional Orgasm: How To Do it By Yourself or With Others” – showing you how to break through the embarrassment of being vulnerable by learning to cry by yourself – and feeling comfortable, relieved, stronger, and even more YOURSELF when you do…

Let me know how your tears affect your man…

Love,
Rori

If you’ve seen the Sex and the City movie, you likely have strong opinions about it – I wasn’t transported by the film, but I thought the way all the characters have transformed over the last season, and now in the movie was remarkable for us to work with.

Where Carrie was once “prickly,” cigarette in hand – almost hard and brittle in the way she related to all the men in her life, now she’s totally “soft” – in a very lovely way. This “softening started to happen in the last season (we’ll talk about how she handled all these men in different posts).

So here’s “Carrie’s Tools,” in honor of her:

1. Stand perfectly still
2. Breathe
3. Look your man in the eye
4. Lean your body back (put one foot in front of the other so you don’t fall over)
5. Trust yourself – that no matter what happens, what he says or does, you’ll be alright, and that you’re better off always telling the truth than hiding ANYTHING.
6. Smile
7. Let your eyes go fuzzy, so you can go INSIDE yourself
8. Open your mouth and let a sound come out – “Ahhhh,” or “Ohhhh”
9. Be very aware of what you’re focusing on – ask yourself – am I thinking about me and what I’m doing? Or am I listening to him – over where he is, and just experiencing? Your goal is to totally Stop Thinking, so as soon as you become aware you’re thinking about you and what you’re saying next or what the things he’s saying are bringing up in you, and then sort of bounce the ball of your attention over to where HE’S at – you’ll be AUTOMATICALLY experiencing.

You can really see how this was working for Carrie in the first part of the movie, where they set up Carrie and Big’s relationship. Instead of always wondering and worrying how Big was going to behave and how it was all going to turn out – or getting angry and feeling resentful all the time, she’s completely RELAXED around him. She’s no longer sarcastic, no longer holding him at arm’s length, no longer following him around. She radiates confidence and ease.

We’ll break down the specifics of every step on how to do this every day in these posts, and for now, just try my “Tools for Carrie” (and refer here to my “Rori”s Rules” post – it’s the bottom line of “Rules”).

It took Carrie 6 Seasons and a Sex In The City movie to get it right, but with Carrie’s 9 Rules, you get it right in 6 Minutes. Try this on the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker, the man next door, the man at the dry cleaners or the man you love. So, next time ANY man looks at you, speaks to you, or moves toward you, I want you to follow Carrie’s Rules to the letter, and let me know what happens.

Love,
Rori

It’s impossible to know what it feels like for DeAnna on the Bachelorette. The stress must be intense, and the pool of men she has to choose from are not amazing. At least two of the men, Jason and Jeremy, seem like actual grown-ups, but neither seems to have the ease and masculinity it would take to forge a relationship with DeAnna – who likes to call all the shots and hang out in her masculine energy. She acts more like the hostess, telling the men where they should be, what they should do, driving to them, getting places first to greet them, and even driving them around!

Is it any wonder the man she’s most obviously attracted to – Graham, who’s sexy for sure – is the one LEAST able to even KNOW what a relationship is? Much less BE in one? Or commit to one? Or ask DeAnna to commit to HIM?

I have my fingers crossed that she’s totally aware of what’s going on, and that she’s choosing between Jason and Jeremy while holding on to the two men (Graham and Jesse) who she feels most comfortable taking all the way to the end and then dropping. She’s made this whole season about never leading anyone on the way she was led on last year, when she was the presumed favorite and then dumped.

So – what are the red flags for Jesse and Graham?

Jesse is a professional snowboard competitor, a man who travels the world, in a world where there are women groupies following his every move. Does DeAnna seem like the type of woman to pack up and follow her man across the globe, watching him compete, watching the girls surround him? Not likely.

And then Graham – a man who’s never been in a relationship that lasted more than a few months, who is almost totally focused on himself. A man who makes DeAnna feel, more than anything, a YEARNING for him (she described it as the feeling of a girlhood “crush,” with tons of chemistry.)

Okay – this is great if what you’re looking for is a fantastic affair. This is amazing stuff – these feelings. What makes these last episodes worth watching is to see whether DeAnna chooses feeling “loved” – as she described the way she feels with Jeremy – or feeling “butterflies and yearning.”

Now let’s talk about the masculine, defended parts of DeAnna’s personality that make it so difficult for a truly masculine energy man to want to be with her in a lifelong marriage, and why she seems so attracted to immature and emotionally unavailable men, and – most important – how she seems, right before our eyes, to be working through those problems with the men on the show…

Love,
Rori