Have The Relationship You Want

Are you new to my blog and like what you are reading? Then Subscribe to my RSS feed and get updates delivered right to your email. You can also learn more about me (Rori Raye) or read some of my best posts.

What IS a perfect man, anyway?

If you believe you’ve ever had one, or have one in your mind, take out a piece of paper and write down the “qualities” you think made him “perfect” or WILL make him “perfect.”

Now take a look at your list. Maybe you’ve written down things like “attractive (or even handsome), financially secure, sensitive, likes animals, generous…”

Well, my Rules are this (actually – it’s just one Rule to start): It doesn’t matter what you’ve written on the list, or how good he looks on paper, or even how good he looks in real life. His qualities DON’T MATTER.

The only thing that matters is this entry on your list: “When I’m with him, and even when I’m NOT with him – I feel loved, cared for, happy and secure. “ That’s it.

Who he is and How he is mean nothing. How you FEEL with a man is ALL that counts. And I don’t mean how you feel about HIM. I don’t mean how much YOU love HIM, or how excited you feel, or how much “chemistry” there is, or how much “fun” you have together, or how great sex is, or how much you have “in common.” None of that means ANYTHING. We’re often devastatingly attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable or not mature enough to truly be in a committed, real relationship, and then end up literally devastated.

The only thing that means anything is how you feel about YOURSELF in his presence.

So take out your piece of paper and turn it over. Now write a list of how you want to FEEL about YOURSELF in your “perfect” RELATIONSHIP! (Remember – this is about the Relationship, not about the man.) Let me know how it feels to look at relationship this way, and we’ll talk more and more about how all this works.

Love,

Rori Raye

When DeAnna dumped Graham on The Bachelorette, we could all see how difficult it was for her to go against her natural, chemical connection to him – her DESIRE for him, and to GIVE UP on the idea that she could somehow MAKE HIM be the kind of man she wanted and needed for the “long haul.”

But she did – and she did it knowing that she was taking the chance of settling for one of the remaining 3 men that she DID NOT feel IN LOVE WITH yet.

Her feelings had been focused on Graham, and now all she could do was HOPE that one of the other men would somehow get her heart fired up.

So – how can this help YOU?

Well, if this were normal life, DeAnna would probably be dating Graham for months and months and months – maybe even years – before she felt forced to decide to keep him or not.

And so would almost all of us, with a man we really “felt” a lot for, like DeAnna so obviously did for Graham. In fact you may be finding yourself in that situation right now, where you’re HOPING your man will turn into the kind of man who can actually LOVE you, and not just have “feelings” for you.

In real life, as long as HE didn’t break it off, DeAnna probably would make excuses for Graham, and be understanding even while she was getting angry and telling him so.

But here – under the pressure of the TV show, knowing she had only weeks to either end up on the stage with the right man, or chance ending up onstage with a man who would reject her in front of the world, like Brad did the season before, she decided to UNDO all her old patterns of following “chemistry” and “infatuation,” and instead follow the road of what felt GOOD.

She decided to go with the men who made her feel GOOD and SECURE – and like they actually WANTED to offer her EXACTLY what she said she wanted – marriage and family.

Now, DeAnna is only 26.  She actually has PLENTY of time to find that right man.

But she said to the camera “I’m tired of dating men who don’t know what they want.”  And then she said – I don’t want to be spending my life begging Graham to fall in love with me.”

That is just about the most powerful statement I’ve ever heard a woman say – and then to back it up by eliminating him – DESPITE the powerful feelings she had for him – well that’s just amazing.

So, take a page from DeAnna’s new-found self-esteem.

Break your own patterns of following men who don’t know what they want, and who set it up so that it’s YOU who waits for them to fall in love.

To help you, try out my Toxic Men program.  It’s a truly amazing program – with exercises and interactive Tools that will help you change all your old patterns with men, teach you to speak to a man in a powerful way that will bring him close instead of pushing him away, and learn exactly where you actually are in your relationship right now.

DeAnna was able to see the truth, make a decision that what Graham was offering her was just more of the same heartache, and strike out on a new road that will lead to her Happy Ever After.

Take strength and hope from what DeAnna did – I know you can get the same clarity she got, and learning to say NO to what you don’t want is often the first HUGE step to getting what you DO want.

Love, Rori

What would you do if you were in an artificial situation like The Bachelorette, where you had to make decisions about a man FAST, and if you made the wrong one you could lose Mr. Right forever?

And what if, like this season’s Bachelorette DeAnna, you were falling for the one man who seemed to be the worst bet for a husband?

I mean, how do you go against your gut?  Go against “Chemistry”?

How do you keep from second-guessing yourself and trying to analyze things and figure out what’s going on with a man when it’s just too soon to really know him, and you’ve always made such bad choices in men before?

Watching DeAnna agonize over her situation was totally amazing.  You felt sure she was going to go down the road of following her “attraction” and “infatuation” and stick with Graham – the emotionally underdeveloped and unavailable man who she nevertheless felt the strongest “connection” with and the strongest attraction to.

And then – she changed her life.

In one moment, she made a decision that UNDID all her years of getting “led on” by men who were charming and attractive but couldn’t commit to her with their whole hearts.

What did she do?

She dumped Graham.

And during that minute when they required her to sit down and talk with him in front of the cameras, she was SO ANGRY!

She tried to tell him what had happened, that she was eliminating him NOT because SHE didn’t have feelings for him, but because she was getting that HE didn’t have the same feelings for HER!

It took her three tries to get that across, each time getting more and more frustrated trying to explain that she was falling in love with him and how hard this was for her, but that she simply did not want to take the chance of being humiliated again, and yet Graham still didn’t seem to understand.

He left a note for her – and hopefully we’ll find out what it said, that made DeAnna question her decision – but she stuck with it.

So – why was this so important, and what can we ALL learn from DeAnna? In the next posts, I’ll be talking about how what DeAnna did can work for YOU.

I haven’t seen the ending yet, and I don’t know which man DeAnna – this season’s “Bachelorette” – is going to choose and how it will work out for her, but I do know this – on last night’s show, DeAnna did the work of about 10 years of therapy, completely changed the way she relates to and chooses men, and basically changed her life forever.

That’s a lot to say – and my mouth just hung open watching her make an extremely painful decision.

If you haven’t seen the episode yet, here’s what happened:

DeAnna had the field narrowed down to 4 men – and it was totally obvious to EVERYONE that she was incredibly attracted to one particular man – Graham.  She even told the camera that she was “falling in love with Graham.” She talked about how “hot” he was and how much “chemistry” there was, and what a “connection” they had.

And yet – Graham was demonstrating for all of us to see what an emotionally immature, emotionally unavailable, almost “narcissistic” man is like.

He was always in his own head, heart and body, was clearly not even THINKING about what DeAnna was dealing with, totally leaning back and away from her, obviously non-committal, and YET – totally charming, sexy, sweet and adorable.

He was EXACTLY the kind of man so many of us are attracted to – and for DeAnna – he was EXACTLY the kind of man SHE’S attracted to.

So, here she was, this season’s “Bachelorette,” with her very own chance to choose a husband from 25 great candidates. And here she was – hung up on the one man – Graham – who was behaving just like the man – Brad – who’d dumped her on TV in front of millions on last season’s “Bachelor.”

She’d felt devastated and humiliated after Brad had sent her home without the engagement ring she’d been expecting.  Even months later she said she was still in love with him and would take him back – though we ALL knew he had no serious interest in her at all.

So, here she was, about to REPEAT the same humiliation of falling for the one man who was NOT chasing after her, not saying loving things, talking only about himself, and leaning AWAY from her instead of TOWARD her.

In their date together, it was painful to watch DeAnna leaning in, trying to keep the conversation going, when we could ALL feel the tension between them – with him leaning away from her, not looking her in the eye, and making NO ATTEMPT to keep HER interest.

As they said goodnight, DeAnna told us that even though it hadn’t “gone well,” she still had all these powerful “feelings” for him.

What would YOU do?