Have The Relationship You Want

Okay, so what’s the difference between intense passion and intense draining?

What’s the difference between passion and excitement – or even powerful feelings like rage, terror and grief – and the intensity that causes tension, draining and causes a man to disappear?

When you’re intense in a draining way – you’re not letting any of your real self out. Instead of allowing your inner light to shine – even a bit, so that it can warm a man who gets close to you, it’s as though the only light you have is what you can borrow from HIM.

He not only feels “depended upon” in an emotional sense – as if you need him to be happy – he feels depended upon in a “survival” sense – as if you need him to LIVE.

And that’s pretty scary for a man – for most of us, actually.

Most of us can’t stand the feeling of being “helpless.”

And so when we’re sad and confused, we don’t want to be putting that out.

We don’t want to be the “sad and confused person.” We TALK about our sadness and confusion, anyway, with our friends, but even when we talk about it, mostly we cover up the deeper feelings with DEPRESSION, a kind of general ABSENCE of feeling. And when we do it ALL THE TIME, it’s like our light goes out. The only time we can let down is when we’re alone, and even then it’s hard – because it’s so frightening to allow our sadness and confusion to come to the surface.

And the worst part about it is – keeping all that stuff covered up gives us the ILLUSION that we’re okay. We keep putting one foot in front of the other. And so we work hard AGAINST ourselves. If we’re convinced we’re “okay,” we often don’t get the help we need because we don’t want to change. Not really. Because changing would mean taking off the covers and looking at the pain and sadness and confusion that’s really underneath.

So – here’s your next step: If you notice someone leaning away from you, lean back. If they stay leaning away, take a look at the intensity of what you’re feeling. Go into the bathroom wherever you are and be alone with yourself for a moment.

Now, ask yourself what you’re feeling. See if it’s anger – that’s usually the most common emotion that triggers depression, covering up – and that kind of “intensity” that drains other people.

If you discover some anger, stomp it out in the bathroom, or use any of my Tools to get into the feeling, feel it completely, and then walk yourself out into a better-feeling place (my Reconnect Your Relationship program has the great “Take Yourself Through The Tunnel” Tool).

Next, we’ll talk about how “Resistance” makes you feel depressed – and how that raises your “tension” and pushes men away…

What is emotional “Intensity”?

I remember years ago, when I was a single girl in New York City, depressed from my last break-up and trying to create a career in a new city, how one of my girlfriends – Karen – said about another girl friend – Sheri – “She’s just so intense…it’s hard to be around.”

I was pretty much stunned. I recognized that I wasn’t actually “excited” to be around Sheri either (as what Karen said made me think about it, I realized she seemed to “tire me out”), but I never would have thought to call her “intense.” I thought it was just because both Sheri and I were depressed, and being with her just made me go more into my own depression.

I actually couldn’t put my finger on it then at all, what it was about Sheri that “put off” Karen and tired me out. In fact, I was amazed that Karen didn’t feel that way about ME – that I was draining her, too.

After all, we were ALL a bit intense. We were struggling actresses, living month to month. I was making a little money doing commercials and plays, and I knew Karen was working days and nights as a hostess in a restaurant, doing a job she didn’t want to do, and she didn’t seem all that happy much of the time, either. But she WAS more fun to be around than Sheri.

Now I know what it was about Sheri. It was as though she was a “black hole” – where she unconsciously “sucked up” energy from the people around her. And it was so not on purpose.

She was nice, she paid attention when you talked, she didn’t cry on your shoulder any more than anyone else, she got up and out of the house like we all did – it was an ENERGY thing that made Karen feel drained when she was with Sheri – enough to actually TALK about it and decide not to go somewhere if Sheri was coming along, too. It had something to do with the intensity of how she was BLOCKING her emotions.

The intensity of how she was dealing with her feelings – not the feelings themselves – was making her TENSE. And this TENSION was what was wearing Karen and me out.

So here’s a quick Tool (I’ll be writing a lot about this “black hole” idea and how energy works): Start to notice what’s going on when your man is leaning away from you, or not calling, or has started to act more like a “friend” than a “suitor.” Start to notice at a party which men come up to talk to you, and what happens after a few moments of conversation.

What I want you to NOTICE is this – are these men leaning TOWARD you – or AWAY from you?

Once you start to notice, we’ll take it a few more steps…

When DeAnna of the Bachelorette chose Jesse, who then proposed to her on the spot (as he promised to do) – none of us had any idea if she’d made the “right” choice.

We could feel that both Jason and Jesse made her happy – and only hope that her choice of Jesse was real and would get her to Happy Ever After – forever.

But I was worried for DeAnna.

In the “After The Final Rose” show, DeAnna and Jesse came on together, and DeAnna’s “energy” was so “forward leaning” to Jesse (if you’ve read my work or have my Have The relationship You Want ebook and programs, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about, and I’ll be exploring those concepts of “leaning back” and “leaning forward” in later posts) that I saw her actually leaning in to him for a kiss over and over again. Jesse responded by kissing her – but the energy was clearly and obviously flowing from DeAnna to Jesse instead of the way it SHOULD BE – from HIM to HER.

Perhaps it was the excitement, the TV show, the audience. Perhaps in the time they spend together alone, Jesse’s as “into her” as he appeared to be during the “competition.” But – perhaps DeAnna, who so CLEARLY got SOFTER during the last weeks of the show, is slowly returning to her harder-edged, more emotionally closed and masculine-energy, forward-leaning style, and pushing Jesse back into his more “laid back” style.

I’m going to follow them over the next year, because I really believe DeAnna and this whole “reality show” experience is a great teaching Tool. For now, let’s work a bit with the concept of “Leaning Back.” Here’s a basic tip on how to do it:

1. Notice how you’re sitting or standing when you’re with your man. Notice if your body is tilted forward or tilted backward. Notice if you’re leaning in to him, and he’s stretched out and leaning back – or if you’re leaning back and he’s sitting up and paying attention to you.
2. If he’s leaning forward, notice how it feels, and if you’re leaning back, notice how it feels. Notice what he’s doing. Now SWITCH. Change your body position. Lean forward or backward. Now – see what happens to your man. He will most likely AUTOMATICALLY shift his position to COUNTER you.
3. Now, whenever you feel like you’re working too hard, or want something from him he’s not offering, or feeling uncomfortable – notice that you’re probably leaning toward him and then SWITCH your body position to LEANING BACK.

This is an almost magical way to shift the entire dynamic of your relationship in a very simple, fast way. Let me know how this works for you, and then you’ll be ready to try so many of my other Tools – where you can create a complete TURNAROUND in your relationship just by changing the WORDS and body language you use.

Love, Rori

Have you ever felt like your heart was just – lumpy, heavy, small? Not depressed, not angry, not “down,” just more like an “ache”?

When that happens to me, it’s like all I’m sewed up – like an embroidery or needlepoint. It feels like everything’s tight, nothing’s loose, and there’s an edge to every thought. And – what I really notice is I can’t put my finger on the reason for it.

I’ve figured out a way to make this work FOR me, so try it and let me know if it works for you:

I started noticing when this feeling comes on that I’ve gotten triggered by something. I might be driving home from an appointment in a neighborhood that holds lots of memories for me – good ones and some weird old ones, or I might have met someone who looks like someone I once knew – doesn’t even have to be someone who once hurt me – all that has to happen is that that person brings back the TIME, long ago, when I felt bad.

Then I noticed, when I used my Tools and started relaxing parts of my body – shoulders first – a burst of sadness would come through me. You’d think the sadness would feel worse – but it doesn’t – try it yourself. The sadness feels BETTER. It’s like a relief. It’s like you can RECOGNIZE the feeling, even if you don’t know why you’re feeling it.

And then – here’s the really cool part – instead of going back to that time, or trying to figure out what’s bothering me in my HEAD, I DELIBERATELY continue to TRIGGER MYSELF. That’s right – I make it worse.

So – if it’s the neighborhood, I’ll drive around, I’ll actually LOOK for triggers, looking to BRING OUT the feelings. I keep letting go of my shoulders and then there’s more sadness. And then I see it’s a bit gray outside…more sadness….

NOW, I’ll start talking to myself. Try it: Ask questions. Ask, “Okay, what’s going on here?” Perhaps you can put your finger on some things: “I feel nostalgic for an old time, and I’m starting to feel fear, as though I’m running backwards over my life because there’s a wall in front of me and my life’s about to end. I feel a doomsday feeling, where I don’t want to move another minute ahead in time – I just want to go back somewhere safe. Or – I’m thinking about HIM – a man who hurt me.”

Try to keep it all about FEELINGs, about sensations in your body. Really try to tune into your body instead of trying to THINK it through with your brain. You can get some great help here from my Body Dialogues in my Heart Connection Toolkit – for now just focus in on the physical and the emotional, and steer your thoughts away as you just continually “drop into” your body and your heart.

Try this today, let me know how this feels to you, and we’ll go further in the next posts…

Love,
Rori