Have The Relationship You Want

Leaning Forward and Leaning Back are Tools that help you “get” – in your BODY – what the “energy flow” between you and a man feels like.

And most of us are ALWAYS Leaning Forward.  Because Leaning Forward is the same as “giving, serving, offering, doing…” all the Masculine Energy things we’re taught to do with and for a man that absolutely don’t work.

What works is to Lean Back and Appreciate a man when he “gives, serves offers” and “does” for US.

Here’s that basic question, from Mira:

“Dear Rori, What does “leaning forward”  look like when you are sitting in a chair at a social event -  What is the body posture? Mira

Here’s my answer:

Mira, Leaning forward looks like sitting on the edge of your chair or bar stool, and leaning toward the room, or toward a person you’re speaking with.

   I know it’s had to lean back in a loud place – you almost have to get your ear to someone’s mouth in order to hear what they’re saying, and you have to lean in and shout to be heard – but no matter what, you can find as many moments as possible to lean back in the chair, or turn your barstool so your back can lean against the bar, then cross your legs and let your arm drape over the arm of the chair, or on the bar, or just softly in your lap or on the seat of the chair.

And what does Leaning Back do for you?

Lots of things.

It gives “air” and space between you and everyone else.  It gives every man in the place a chance to be drawn into you.  The energy exchange shifts, you look and feel more confident, and your inner man magnet kicks in.

Try it and let me know how it feels…

Love, Rori

 

The Internet has created so many wonderful things for us, and it’s also created some nightmares for us women.

Our men can not only look at porn with the click of a mouse, they can also “social network” with women all over the world on all kinds of sites – even legit ones like myspace.

So what are we to do?

The truth is – this has ALWAYS been a problem.

Men who have “problems committing to one women” have always been able to flirt with other women when we’re not around, look at pictures of naked women and pornography in magazines, and contact women all over the world through personal ads and even phone lines.

The Internet may be relatively new, but the core problem and men’s creativity in doing what they feel compelled to do hasn’t changed.

Here’s a letter from “Confused,” whose boyfriend is “perfect” except for one thing – he collects women on myspace.  Even if this isn’t happening to you – I’ll bet it’s happening to a friend of yours, so let me know what you think and feel about all this:

“Dear Rori,
I have been using your tips before I met my current boyfriend and I’ve continued applying all your tools ever since we met, and let me tell you it has worked amazingly well. So well, that he asked me to move in with him after 8 months of dating! I agreed to move in with him, because we had a long commute to see each other and I had just sold my home.

Rori, things are getting better each day (your tools really do work!). However, I feel confused about something. Now that I am living with him, l learned he likes to flirt with girls online, he was using myspace originally and when I told him it really bothered me that he had that account he took it off.

A few months later I learned he had opened a new myspace account without telling me. I confronted him again about this. I got really upset with him. His reaction was surprising: he cried and told me he did not want to lose me that I meant the world to him. He then said that he was using that account to contact friends, and when he contacted girls it was just to flirt, because it boosts his self esteem. He says “some guys go out there and cheat, I flirt online as an outlet”. Two days later, he told me he closed the account.

Rori, as I have said before I have been applying all your tools before and during my relationship, and even though things are moving along just fine, I can’t seem to ignore the fact that my boyfriend contacts other women and exchanges pictures with them. It bothers me tremendously!!!! I have confronted him about this and he knows it bothers me. I told him that as long as he draws the line with these women it’s ok with me.

He is a guy in the end, so I guess guys need that outlet; but I feel like it is somehow going to affect my relationship. I know he loves me, but wouldn’t his habit affect my relationship? I believe that it would. Because while he is with me, he could be fantasizing about these other women. So he is with me physically, but is thinking/fantasizing about these other women which will stop our relationship from growing. What are your thoughts on this? Thank you for everything! Confused…”

Before I could respond, ”Confused” wrote me again:

“Thank you for responding Rori.
I honestly think my boyfriend has a low self-esteem. I don’t know, maybe I am just justifying his actions. When I confronted him about how much this bothered me I made it clear that if he wants to meet/date other women to please let me know. I don’t want to waste my time with someone who is not serious about me, but at the same time I don’t want to be jumping from relationship to relationship. I want to make this work, but I can’t ignore how bad his habit makes me feel.

Thank you again for responding. I will look for your response on your new blog, and appreciate your advice. Still Confused”

***There’s a lot to this, and I want to really talk about this whole subject a lot in this blog ( I hope you’ll join in the discussion and let me know your experiences and how you feel about all this, too).

Let’s start, in this post – with the thing that most stood out for me, Confused’s statement: “He is a guy in the end, so I guess guys need that outlet…”

This is not true.  Guys who CHOOSE to be in committed relationships do not “need” anything like this. Guys who do NOT choose to be in committed relationships are entitled to follow their impulses however they want – they’re entitled to take advantage of every possible way to contact women – but a man in a committed relationship has made a CHOICE.

He either gets YOU, or he gets to wallow in the world of women.

This, to me, is a bottom line, basic Boundary RULE, and you should not accept it, period, unless it FEELS Okay to you. (Believe it or not, there are many women out there who say they wouldn’t mind, and I’ve met and talked to several who say they’re actually okay with sharing their men in this way.  This is what they say, however, and how they really feel might be something else entirely.)

There is one small, subtle thing, here, for us to talk about.

If I say it’s NOT okay for a man to actually make contact with other women (except for work, of course, and that’s a whole other issue we’ll discuss) – and I mean here reaching out to other women, either in real life or online, whether he calls them “friends” or not - then what about PICTURES of women?

Is looking at pictures of women and pornography online the same thing as contacting them, gathering them as friends on myspace, etc.?

And – I’m going to say NO. It’s not the same thing.  A picture is one thing - touching, and voice, email, text, and online contact are completely another.

You may differ with me on this (so let me know your opinion) – and I’ve worked with several clients to sort this out. (One woman has worked so brilliantly, and taken herself so far, that I’ll refer you to her blog when she’s got it up and running – you’ll want to talk to her if this is a problem for you.)

But let’s just say this – it all boils down to how YOU feel.  If what your man is doing (and doing it in front of you is way better than doing it behind your back) bothers you, makes you feel bad in ANY way – we’re going to have to figure out how to help you stand by yourself – even if it means walking away from the man.

My Tools work – Confused is experiencing how well they work – and now, we need to talk about what KIND of man you’re attracting (since you’re now attracting so many men…) and what to do if you’ve attracted a man you like who’s not exactly “perfect…”

Next posts: Standing up for yourself, how to talk to him about this kind of thing to actually give you the best chance of making a change, Boundaries, how to know when to leave…

Love, Rori

 

When all you have is the phone, email and texts to keep in touch with the man you love, because you live in different cities or even different countries, you have to know how to use what you’ve got.

(In my Heart Connection Toolkit CD set, I teach you the Goodnight Talk, and walk you through how to do it – you can get it here, along with in-depth instructions on how to do Feeling Messages all the time: Heart Connection Toolkit) – and here are a some basics for now:

1.   Do NOT talk business, logistics, plans or run through your day, your week, your evening.  In other words – stay away from FACTS and DESCRIPTIONS.

2.   Instead, say how you FEEL about all these things.  That could sound like (all you have is the phone, remember) “I felt so thrilled when my new client came in today…” or “I felt so overwhelmed with all the papers on my desk, and now it just feels so good to hear your voice…”

Practice doing this – the Toolkit will help you tremendously – everywhere you are, all the time, with everyone, so that when it comes time to speak to your man, you’ll be able to do it without thinking.

If he calls at a regular time each day, make sure you’re relaxed, sitting (or lying down) with something soft on your body and in your lap (like a cat, dog, cup of tea or a satin pillow) and speak in Feeling Messages, even if you’re talking about travel plans.

You’re staying away from describing your life and what you want and what’s happening, and going for experiencing your life and what you want and feel and what’s happening – and then sharing that experience and those feelings about the experience.

Try it – it’s a completely different way to be with a man, even over the phone, in texts and emails – and it will get you completely different results with your man.

Everything will feel easier, smoother, juicier, sexier, closer, more intimate, more thrilling, more tingly – and he’ll call more, too!

Let me know how this works for you…

Love, Rori

 

A Long-Distance Relationship feels difficult if you and your man can really DO a real, in-person relationship.

And Long-Distance feels wonderful (in an underground, subconscious way) if you and your man have fear of intimacy and long-standing patterns of pushing love away.

In other words, some long-distance couples are happiest when apart, and fall to pieces when they actually move in together, or often never even get to the moving in together stage at all.

And some long-distance couples are happiest when they finally get together. 

Which one will your Long-Distance Relationship be? 

Will it be an amazing way to bring you and your man - who are perfect for each other -together forever from different parts of the planet? Or just another unsuccessful attempt to bring an unreachable, uncommitable, emotionally (and now physically) unavailable man to you forever?

Here are some things you must know:

1.   You CANNOT be “exclusive” with any man until you have the true commitment you want (engagement ring, actual wedding, house together, trip around the world – whatever YOU want, that means “forever” to you) – whether you’re in a “Long-Distance” relationship, or one where you see him every day. so don’t shut down your options (You can learn how to do this with ”Circular Dating”  in my Commitment Blueprint program)

2.   And if you’re going to “commit” to him with an engagement ring, if it’s a Long-Distance Relationship, you’d better have a wedding date set, the city and house you’re going to live in picked out and ready for you.

Why? Because long-distance can lull you into turning an Imaginary Relationship into a Real one in your head, and you don’t want to do that to yourself.

 Next, we’ll talk about using what you have – the phone, texts, emails and occasional weekends together –  to not just keep him attracted to you – but to get closer emotionally, so you’ll know who he really is, and what kind of relationship he’s really capable of.