Have The Relationship You Want

Here’s a letter from Jamie, who’s struggling with her own fear of intimacy:

“Rori, He has told me he is not marriage material. Every time I say goodbye to him he treats me good again for a day or two…I know I will be happier if I leave him, so why can’t I? You hear this often I am sure, I was raised in a home were my mother dated a married man for 15 years, she could never have him. I get a lot of male attention, but I usually want the guy that doesn’t really want me, then when he does I see his true colors and then I leave. I bought my first home 3 years ago and am a single mom. I work two jobs and I’m tired. Do you think truly I have a chance of being normal? Jamie”

Jamie’s letter is so great to work with, because she brings up the issue of “normal.”

So – what IS “normal”?

And does it really matter anyway?

Jamie’s mother taught her that she can’t have a good man all to herself.  So she’s attracted to and attracts men who aren’t interested in long-term commitment.

This – for Jamie (and for lots of us women, too) – is NORMAL.

So let’s start with Jamie’s “Normal.”  Let’s say her self-esteem and belief in herself, and her belief that she deserves a great, committed, lifelong marriage are really, really low.  They hardly score on the scale, they’re hanging around the bottom rungs of the ladder, they seem lost forever.

And the end result she wants – a “normal” that looks like Happy Ever After, seems like a rocket ship launch away from her – it seems impossible.

So – what’s the way to start moving up the ladder, weighing in on the scale, finding her man and getting a NEW “Normal”? (There’s a whole section in my Reconnect Your Relationship program around getting a new Normal – you can read more about it and listen to some of it here.)

It’s STEP-BY-STEP.  The only way is to put one foot in front of the other, one moment and one Rori Raye Tool at a time.  The amazing thing is – a few moments, and things change.  They really do.

Here’s a first step for Jamie:

Imagine yourself in a room full of wonderful food, decorations, great music, and hundreds of beautiful men. Imagine your inconsistent man is there.  He’s looking at you, and the expression on his face is distant and cold. Now Imagine that all the hundreds of beautiful faces of the beautiful men in the room who AREN’T your current, inconsistent man are turned to YOU, and that the expressions on all their faces is of desire for you, and a desire to MAKE YOU HAPPY, whatever it takes.

How does that feel?

Most likely, it feels…scary. When we get used to taking crumbs, our systems go on overload if we even IMAGINE having a glorious, full-out, total, committed relationship.

So start with this step of imagining, and we’ll take it from there…

Love, Rori

If you’re holding onto a man – most likely it’s because he’s withdrawing.  And the weird and terrible thing is that – he’s likely withdrawing because you’re Holding On To him!

So in order to stop him from withdrawing, you have to stop Holding On.

And I know that sounds completely counter-intuitive.

We all want to grab, stop, and hold onto ANYTHING that feels like it’s running away from us. That’s why people end up with all sorts of things they don’t really want at auctions – they just get caught up in not letting something slip away.

The way to KEEP a man is to Let Go of him.  This is completely different from Letting HIM go, remember – this is about letting YOURSELF go.

Think of it this way: You are Letting Go without even CONSIDERING what HE’S doing.  You are REFUSING to HOLD ON to anything about this man.

The truth is – when we’re holding onto a man, it’s us who’re stopped cold.  It’s like he’s dragging us along wherever he goes (in my Commitment Blueprint program, this is how we’ll follow a man off our own Bridge to our Happy Ever After.  We’ll follow him even into the pits, because that’s what we’ve all been trained and taught to do our whole lives.  The “Blueprint” teaches you how to STAY on your own Bridge, and simply keep going no matter WHAT he does.)

So it’s not a matter of watching him go off somewhere when he withdraws – it’s not about LETTING him go, it’s about letting go of something – anything – that’s moving away from you, so you can go in your OWN direction – so you can keep doing what you need to do to take care of yourself.

And what happens when you do that?  All of a sudden a man turns around and has to be with you.  All of a sudden you completely lose that aura of clinginess and desperation – and you look CONFIDENT – and that changes everything.

So – I want you to imagine that at this moment, your holding onto a man – his shirt, his leg, his shoulders, his thoughts, his hair, his eyes.

Now – just Open Your Hands.  Let go.  Now turn around. Focus on something else in front of you.

Every time you even think about a man who’s not right in front of you or on the phone with you, try this Tool for starters – just Open Your Hands, and let me know what happens…

Love, Rori

If you’re in that awful-feeling place in a relationship where you feel insecure with a man, and almost everything you do and say and even think makes you feel even more helpless to change things, I know what that’s like – and even better – I know it doesn’t have to be like that for you.  Let’s work on this together:

We’re starting here with how to NOT Hold Onto a man. This is going to feel almost completely the opposite of everything you’ve been taught and told, and I know if you try it – you’ll feel better, and you’ll get so much better results with a man. 

I’ll pull this apart in a series of posts, and for now – here’s a short list of what Holding Onto a man looks like:

1. You think about him, even when you’re doing something or are somewhere where there are other things to look at and think about

2. You go from thinking about him to wanting him – like you would a glorious piece of chocolate fudge brownie

3. You analyze every move he makes and everything he says, and every move you make and everything you say.

4. You initiate contact – calling him, leaning in for a kiss, hugging him, sending emails, texts, cards…

5. You worry about everything you do and say and everything that happens out of fear it will push him away

There are a bunch more, very subtle things, too – but for now – take a look and see if you’re doing any of this. Spend today noticing if you’re doing any of the things on this list – just notice, and make me a list of what you notice, when you notice it, what’s happening – see if you can find a pattern and write that down, too. (Email me your list if you’d like, or post it here as a comment - I’d love to read it, and it will help me help you even more specifically.)

Next, we’ll work with how to get out of this awful pattern…

Love, Rori

If you’ve ever been “blown off” by a man you were deeply involved with, and just absolutely crushed by it, you’ll understand Annie’s pain in her letter:

“Dear Rori,
I am 45, a widow, and I have a 17 year old son. I dated a guy for 6 months. He is single, never married. We were happy together, until one day I argued with him about looking at the pretty women on the streets and watching porno on the net. He said all men do it and that it doesn’t mean they’re unfaithful.

I believed he really loved me and we had plans to move in together, get married and everything. Since the day of the argument things deteriorated. I have and tried everything. I kept making things worse by trying to convince him, etc.. This is his last letter to me. I do not know what else to do. Help please. Here’s John’s letter to me:

‘Dear Annie,
I do not disagree with anything you have said as I also felt we had many positives to our time together and our relationship. At this point in time however my outlook for our potential in that context has changed and I have done my best to explain this to you as best as I am able.
I value you as a person and as a woman but feel friendship is all I want and can offer you at his time. I realize you have needs and goals that you have shared and should pursue them as you have always done. I do love you and feel fortunate to know you and have you in my life.
Love John’

Can you help me? Thank you, Annie”

Here’s my answer:

Ouch.

That’s about all I can say to a letter like that from a man, so let’s talk now to Annie, and help her do what she needs to do to get the relationship she wants – perhaps even with THIS man.

She has to reverse course.

That means she has to turn away, stop pining for him, stop thinking about him, stop contacting him – yes, just LET GO OF HIM.

Notice I didn’t say “Let him go.”

Letting someone go suggests that you have the power to hold him or not – and that’s just not true.

John is actually running away from Annie, and she’s got her hands glued to his shirt, and he’s just dragging her along.

So she can’t exactly “let him go” – he’s already GOING!

But – she can LET GO OF HIM.

Annie, open your hands.

I know it sounds easy to say, but just do it – using your hands as the image (In my ebook, Have The Relationship You Want, I start off with an illustration of what holding onto a man looks like and feels like – so you can actually SEE and FEEL how you’re doing this, even if it doesn’t feel like you are.

Holding Onto a man is something we women do so often, and we don’t even know we’re doing it – because we don’t know what it LOOKS like.

Next posts, we’ll pull this apart and put Tools to fix it – for now…just take a look at where you’re at in your love life, and see if you can FEEL what you’re holding on to.