Have The Relationship You Want

If you, like me, have been glued to the TV watching the opening ceremonies of the Olympics, and then the competitions themselves, perhaps you’re wondering how I’m going to use the Olympics to help you in your love life.

It’d be easy to use the metaphors and images of “work hard” “push yourself” “just do it.”

But that would be the complete OPPOSITE of everything I teach.

Doing ANYTHING to make a relationship happen – especially “pushing,” is the opposite of just “being,” receiving and responding, which I believe are the cornerstones for a woman who wants a great relationship.

So how does the amazing “work ethic” of being a world-class athlete work in love?

Let’s first look at some of the words we associate with the Olympics:

“Honor… push yourself… break records…go beyond limits…pressure…bear responsibility…win…beat…conquer…compete…”

These words have nothing to do with relating to a man, but they have everything to do with relating to yourself – to PARTS of yourself.

They have everything to do with the parts of ourselves that hold us BACK from getting what we want. They have everything to do with going past fear.

And for most of us, we think the biggest fear in our lives is that we’ll be alone. But it’s not.

The biggest fear for most of us is actually fear of GETTING CLOSE to a man.

It’s actually BELIEVING and putting our whole heart into the IDEA that we deserve and can actually HAVE what we want.

The limits we have to go beyond aren’t out THERE – they’re in our own brains. They’re limits we were taught as children, and they’re limits that society and our culture reinforce every single day.

Telling us who we are NOT is like…the JOB of our culture. We grew up often around people – in our families, school, society – who had lost dreams of their own or felt uncomfortable with their real successes, and either made us afraid of wanting success, or told us we couldn’t have it because of some flaw we have.

And this kind of thinking goes on and on in our brains every minute of every day.

It’s like a replay of the missed shot at the end of a game that haunts us forever – only we didn’t really even PLAY.

It’s the IDEA and FEAR that we’ll miss that shot that haunts us – and that fear is fed constantly by all the smaller missed shots in our lives that we’ve allowed to set limits for ourselves.

And it’s these INNER limits we have to push through, overcome, master, get beyond – no matter what kind of pressure or sense of responsibility for others comes at us from outside.

Just like the Olympic athletes.

The truth is – the whole idea of becoming an Olympian would seem impossible for most of us. A ridiculous dream. And yet we sit here watching real people live these dreams.

And then we watch the footage of how they trained and prepared themselves for this moment. And it seems impossible that we could ever put that much energy and passion into this. (And yes – they are, most of them, so young – and most of us see them as almost like our children instead of our peers – and yet, that “young person” with “big dreams” still lives inside us.)

So – while we’re watching the Olympics these two weeks, let’s pretend that we’re all running a marathon, all dashing for the finish line, all conquering the balance beam.

Only – for love, it’s not about the physical world or sports equipment or a race.

It’s about the intention to “go for the gold” even though our brains are trained to settle for the “lead.”

In these next posts, I’ll put together Tools to take you from wherever you are now in your love life to where you want to be – the “Gold” – in a feminine energy, “Being” way.

For now – visualize your “Gold” and I look forward to reading your experiences in comments here.

Love, Rori

One of the most useless things we women do is talk about business on the phone at night with a man we’d like to love.

Try this instead.

He calls, the phone rings, you pick up, say “Hi.”

His voice is on the other end. “Hi,” he says.

“Oh,” you say, “It feels so good to hear your voice.” Notice the word feel in there.

He says, “Oh…….Yeah, it’s great to hear yours, too,” (or something like that.)

Quiet.

If he doesn’t speak, you don’t speak.

But you do some other important things. Put down the kitchen stuff, stop puttering in your office, pick up the kitty, and settle down into a soft chair, kitty on your lap. (If you don’t have an accommodating cat, use a pillow, a stuffed animal, or your own leg – you’ll need it to pet something.)

He says “So, how was your day…?”

This is the tricky question. And you don’t have to answer it the way you think you need to.
Instead of “Oh, it was a little hectic at the office, so much stuff going on, but it was a good day….etc.”

Try: “Oh, I felt so overwhelmed with all the paperwork,” or “It felt like it flew by, I felt so caught up in how fast the sales were flashing across my screen,” or “I feel so great being home, all curled up on this chair with the kitty in my lap. Oh, she feels so soft. I can feel her purr.” (Notice more feeling messages.)

With your consciousness in your body, your feelings, your heart, and out of your head, business, facts and logic, your intuition will now kick in. You’ll be able to sense when the conversation runs out of steam.

You’ll be able to tell when he’s had enough phone time. (Though, if you share your feelings in the GoodNight Talk style, he might just suggest he jump in the car and come over just then.)

You’ll be able to say “I feel so relaxed. I feel like I could just drift off here with the cat,” and he’ll say “Sweet dreams” instead of “Well, I’ve got to go now.”

The GoodNight Talk is an example of how to talk from your feeling state. If we women want it all, we can have it. CEO by day, object of passionate desire by night. Who wouldn’t want that?

Feelings will get you everything. Thinking will get you half.

Learn to talk from your heart, and you’ll pull in men who want to touch your heart with their own.

Love, Rori

If you’re going through a break up, and he’s torturing you by trying to be “friends” or just not knowing what he wants, and you’re torturing yourself with blame and pain, there are so many things you can do help yourself – so let’s start here, with this letter from Emily:

“Hi Rori, I have been reading your newsletters and I was wondering if there is any way you can turn around a relationship that has already ended.

My boyfriend had ended our relationship because he wanted to be single and he wasn’t sure if he would ever be in love with me. I am in love with my boyfriend, so I was wondering if there is any way to turn this around.

I think he has commitment issues right now, but I also think I was pushing him away by making many of the mistakes you have talked about. Please let me know if you can help me. Thank you so much!  Emily”

***The truth is, for both Emily and you, too, if you’re finding yourself in this situation, is that sometimes it’s over, and sometimes it’s not, and the only way to find out is to move in the opposite direction from your man.  So here’s my answer:

Emily – Stop trying to turn it around. Stop even wanting to turn this around.  Instead, focus completely on yourself.  Focus on starting fresh (use my “Change Everything Tool – it’s in my Reconnect Your Relationship program).

And yes – this means making yourself available for another man (no matter how much you don’t even want to look at another man).  Imagine that a much better man will find you, and then when your boyfriend shows up again (and he will), you’ll have a choice!

I know it sounds hard.  And it feels all wrong – it feels like you have to DO something to try to get your man back.

But the most effective thing you can DO is use my “Turnaround, 100 Men and Out The Window” Tool to take your focus OFF of him.  I’ll spell out the steps throughout these posts, and so you can hear or watch me actually walking you through how to do it, I’ll let you know which program has the Tool you need.

Love, Rori

Last post I had you “drop into” your body and your heart when you were getting emotionally “Triggered.” This is a great first step to getting unstuck – fast.

So, to start – what does being “stuck” LOOK like?

Being stuck ALWAYS looks like you’re in your head. You’re thinking. You might even be “spinning” your thoughts – bouncing from one extreme idea to another, stopping only long enough to beat yourself up about what you’re thinking about.

Perhaps you’re thinking and feeling that you will never have the life you want, never have the LOVE you want, it’s just not in the cards, not in the stars, not possible in the world as it is right now and as men are right now. So – now that we know what it LOOKs like, what does being stuck FEEL like?

Perhaps you feel: “ I want to stay exactly where I am. I do NOT wish to move forward. I only want to stay in my thoughts, keep doing what I’m doing, go somewhere where I’m safe, where I’m comfortable, where I’ve laid it out so nothing triggers me and everything stays the same. But – at the same time – I wish for MORE! I wish for even more love, more passion, more dreams coming true, more excitement and happiness and fun and even money.”

Perhaps it feels like: “It’s as though I want more – but I don’t want to move from my spot.”

So here we are – stuck between what we really want and where we feel comfortable. Next, let’s lay out some Tools to shake that loose.

Love,
Rori