Have The Relationship You WANT

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Have you ever let your self-esteem get so low that you tolerate bad treatment from a man?

For me - it was words.  It was clever jabs, humorous remarks - all funny (other people laughed, so I did, too) words.  But those words were about my weight, my double chin, my this, my that - they all cut like knives and hurt like hell.

I got away from that man - but the whole time I was leaving, I was confused, because I WANTED him, too.

And so I thought he was telling the truth - and as the days went on, I believed him.  I thought I was “less than” - which would make HIM my only hope.  If he were gone - there’d never be anyone else to want what he didn’t want.

And as I stepped away from that and slowly began to build my own opinion of myself, I discovered that he was lying.  I discovered that I was much huger a woman - in the important “Energetic” way - than I’d ever imagined. 

And I discovered that what men were seeing in me was only what I was seeing in myself.  The better I felt about myself, the better the man who showed up.

And my husband was the icing on the cake of my own good feelings about myself.  It took me years within our marriage to understand how I was in the business of totally undermining myself - and making him RESPONSIBLE for it - so that I was doing the opposite of what I wanted to happen.

I was pushing him away instead of bringing him close.  Now I had a man who wanted to love ALL of me, and I’d been so conditioned to desire and work to get and TOLERATE  a man who DIDN’T want all of me, or simply couldn’t HANDLE loving all of me - I didn’t know how to BE.

All of my work is about creating inner strength and outer softness - feeling so STRONG and so on our own side on the deep inside that we can completely let go of all need to control what’s happening on the outside.

If you’ve ever experienced allowing a man to treat you as “less than” - here’s a blog post you’ll identify with. Laura is amazingly brave and insightful, and I think you’ll get a lot of help from the post and the comments, too:

Laura’s article at http://midlifebloggers.com/?p=372#comment-781

Let me know how you’re doing with this - I’ve been there, and I want to support you.

Love, Rori

 

If problem-solving is stressing you out - if it’s making you feel angry and triggering your need to control everything (we all have this going on…) then here’s the next step to helping yourself. 

You’re going to KEEP A LOG.

Often, in the flurry of the energy we spend trying to solve a problem so it’ll turn out the way we want it to - especially with our man, WE get left behind.

We often through ourselves “under the bus” just to get what we THINK we want.

In Post 1 of this series, you made a list of all your “problems.” 

Then, we FLIPPED the “problems” into what you WANT instead of what you’re spending energy worrying about.

Now we’re going to start shifting your process of dealing with these things in a way that will reduce your stress, make you feel more peaceful, and bring your man closer, instead of pushing him away with all your unsaid thoughts and feelings. 

We’re going to get you out of problem-solving mode and into a way of Being that’s about EXPERIENCING.

So -

1. Take your lists, read over both the “problem” list and the Flipped list, and get really, really familiar with them.  I want you to start keeping a log of what comes up most often for you.

Also,

2. Remember how we sensed and found the “Themes” in Daria and Reshi’s lists?

See if you can find your most common Themes.  See if it’s “I’m not good enough - I don’t deserve what I want” - or if it’s “I feel guilty and bad just because I WANT something, or I could hurt somebody if I got what I want” or - “It’s just not in the cards for me, that’s the way it goes.”  If you come up with something all your own - be sure to tell me about it…

3. Now - I want you to keep a written LOG, where you keep track of every time you notice the Themes from your lists, the “problems” on your list - and even the Flipped WANTS on your lists coming up and taking over your brain and body.

Do it methodically - this way:

A. See if you can catch yourself when you’re in your head with a Theme, or with a specific “problem” or a specific “Want” from any of your lists.  See if the words of the Theme and the problem and the Want are actually going through your mind.

B.  When you catch yourself - I want you to notice your BODY.  Really get in tune with it.

Notice what you’re eyes are doing, and your mouth.  Notice your shoulders - are they tense and up or relaxed and down (Spend some time tensing your shoulders and then relaxing them so you’ll be able to recognize your natural body states more easily and quickly).

Notice your pelvis, and all your feminine parts - your vagina (up high inside you and down low, where it’s lips meet the air), and the vulva, all around the bones in front - notice if you’re holding on to them, or if they’re relaxed and easy (again - tense them and then relax them so you can get familiar with how you naturally hold them).

C. Write down what you notice - the themes, your body state, and when and where it happened.  See if you can notice something that triggered all of it - something at work, something your man said, something you saw.

D. In the evening, take a look at your day’s LOG - see if you can find a pattern. 

For instance: Your man says something, or you see something in the newspaper, or something happens at home and you suddenly feel something or wish something or want something. 

See if there’s an order to things - 1. This happens, 2. I think this theme, 3. My body feels this way. 

Also - look at it in REVERSE.  1. My body feels this way, 2. I’m thinking this Theme, 3. This just happened.

You are now becoming the detective of YOU. 

You’re not hunting down the mystery or the psychology of WHY any of this happened, or HOW it all got started in your life - you’re just identifying the patterns.

Remember this while you’re Discovering and Identifying - the MOST IMPORTANT part is your BODY STATE.

As we go along, we’re going to work backwards - starting with your BODY - because we want to get you out of your HEAD and into your BODY.

The Body holds the key to all this. 

As we work together, I want to make sure you’re not ANALYZING, or THINKING about this - because that’s not where the healing is. 

It’s important to NOTICE things, to catch yourself - and the Healing is in your Body.

So, let me know what you discover, and we’ll keep on.

Love, Rori