Have The Relationship You Want

It’s so easy to feel angry and push a man away.

Whenever my husband forgets to do something, or isn’t there when I need him or just WANT him, or one of us gets sick and so we go too long without sex, it’s so easy for me to go through my old patterns of feelings and thought….

…I resent that he didn’t do what I wanted him to do, then I feel bad for feeling mad, and then I instinctively want to “make nice” and then I feel resentful again, and then I feel frightened because of the sudden distance between us, and then I want to “talk” about it…and on and on.

And then, I go back over it in my mind, looking into the unfolding of the back-and forth emotions, the in-and-out of authenticity and intimacy between us, and I notice that ALWAYS – what starts the whole thing is that I’ve DONE TOO MUCH. 

I’ve either actually put out too much effort to take care of something or solve a problem – or I’ve believed I HAD to.

I took on an assignment (I may have even made the assignment UP) – and then got into “his business” about it.

Thank goodness, with all my Tools, and all the years we’ve had great communication, this kind of thing plays out very quickly, and always gets resolved with smiles and both of us getting what happened – and I learn something for the next time.

Right now, I’ve noticed that what gets this ball of an old pattern rolling for me is my love of solving problems.  So, what I’m working on, and thinking up new Tools for – is to drop “problem-solver” from my name.  I am, (or was…) Rori Problem-Solver Raye. 

Does this sound familiar?

It’s as though solving a problem – any problem, for anyone out in the world, including politics, the environment – you name it – can so easily become a distraction for me.

A distraction for whatever I might TRULY be feeling – on the deepest levels.

I’m going to do a series of posts on this, with Discoveries and Tools – for now, I want you to do this:

Write down your “problems.”  Write down the things you think about, the things that are taking up space in your mind.  Things about you, about your work, your home, your man.

Don’t judge them or try to do anything other than list them – and post your lists here as comments.  I’ll take your list (and mine…) and let’s get to work!

Dating is your ultimate opportunity to learn how to be soft, open, warm and truthful on the outside, and strong, fully Boundaried and secure on the inside.

Here’s a great question from “J” about how to do this – I love this question because If we can tweak the way J is going about talking to men, she’ll see a HUGE difference in her results in love. (J – I’m going to be very “tough love” here, so don’t read further if you don’t want to hear it):

“Hi Rori, I wanted your advice about setting up dates. So….a guy I like wants to get together this Sunday. He asked me last night what I wanted to do..I told him, ‘I’m sure you’ll think of something fantastic.’

“Then he texted me this morning saying, ‘I was thinking dinner at the Cheesecake Factory.’

“I have not gotten back to him yet. I’m disappointed that he wants to go to a restaurant chain. And I think I’d rather just go for a drink to keep it casual. But guys will ask me where I want to go….and I’d like to go to a BYOB, or somewhere more off the beaten path…classy…not some chain place.

“Or they’re not from this area..so they really want my input. And I guess it is a bit frustrating..you’re the guy..I’d like you to take the lead. I guess with this Sunday date, I just accept the offer for dinner no matter where it is, regardless of where it is..if I want to go out with him.

“Another guy asked me out last week and he asked me if I liked this Mexcian place…I can’t just lie (since he directly asked me) so I said, “That place is okay, with a bit of dislike about it). He picked up on it and changed the location.

“I just think guys would get more bonus points with me if they thought of somewhere really great to go to…or even do. It’s not about the money …it’s just about the thought in arranging the date. You would think if you wanted to woo me, after talking to me…and knowing I am quite the foodie/wine person, you’d opt for something more down my alley.

“What do you think? Thanks, J”

And here’s my “tough love” answer:

J – oh my, so much here…

Your job is to speak in Feeling Messages.

His job is to ask you out, which he did.

Then – asking you where you want to go is a fine masculine thing to do. (You are very, very hard on men. They’re not all brilliantly creative about dating. It’s hard for them, too. Are you going to judge a man so quickly, simply on his “dating creativity” – and whether or not he gets “bonus ponts” with you before he even knows you well and you’ve truly opened up about all your desires and who you really are?)

Here are two options for your answer:

1. Simple “…whatever…” Feeling Message: “It would feel great to get to know you…wherever you think up would feel fine….” or

2. You can have a standard answer for every man: “It feels great to go walking by the lake…” or, “It feels incredible to sit by the fire at (such-and-such) place – it feels quiet enough there to talk….” or, “I feel in the mood for Italian…I have a favorite place if you’d like…”

In other words, J, what’s happening in your situation is that - he is essentially asking you how you Feel, but your instinct is to DIRECT him.

This is creating your frustration about the whole thing. You tell him “whatever” and then you feel disappointed. You are sabotaging yourself this way. It is totally unlovely, uncalled for, and wrong-headed.

Also – your “whatever” answer isn’t really a simple Feeling Message. You said “I’m sure you’ll think of something fantastic.” Doesn’t that sound more like a “headmistress”? Isn’t it sort of an “order”? Isn’t it even a bit sarcastic? And the word “Feel” is nowhere in it.

Once you’ve decided on #1 above (the simple Feeling Message “whatever”) – you have to be genuinely curious about what he’s going to think up – and game for the experience.

When he asked about the Mexican place, your answer: “That place is okay,” (with “a bit of dislike about it” in your voice) is hardly a Feeling Message. Always go back to basics…FEELING MESSAGES.

Not only that, your answer was not AUTHENTIC! You said one thing, but felt another. You said it was “okay,” but, really, it wasn’t.

If you meant to actually say “It’s NOT okay,” but chose the words: “It’s okay,” coupled with a tone in your voice (almost like a roll of your eyes) to convey that it’s not okay – is that authentic, feeling-oriented, straightforward, honest, open communication?

No, it’s not. And so the immediate feeling he gets from you, then, is that you can’t be trusted – that you’re a woman who says one thing but feels another.

Try this instead – it could look like:

“Oh, It would feel so much better to tell you I liked that place, and I don’t really.”

He’ll then either ask you “Why?” and you can say “It feels too noisy to talk,” or” I always feel like I can’t find something I really enjoy eating, there. I feel embarrassed a bit to be so direct – especially if you really like it…”

Or, he might ask you for a suggestion, and then you’ve got your standard answer – #2 above. Or he might come up with another idea, and if you really don’t like that one, you can laugh and say “Oh my, this being honest stuff is hard, I’m not crazy about that place either…would you like to know one of my favorites?”

Can you see how soft this is – and at the same time honest and direct? Try it. Write down some standard answers so you don’t have to feel uncomfortable next time.

Love, Rori

This is the basic, essential way to speak to a man – my have The Relationship You Want eBook walks you through exactly how to do this (there’s a page about it here on the blog) -  and all my programs build on how to do Feeling Messages in more and more challenging situations.

You have to start with the basics. It all has to start with Authenticity and Vulnerability.

Let me know right here how this “tweak” for J works for you.

More love, Rori

Andrea made such a powerful, frustrating comment on this blog, I wanted to do a whole post – perhaps a whole series of posts – on her situation.

Andrea’s at home, 6 months pregnant, while her husband is stationed overseas. She’s feeling emotional, needy, and missing him terribly.

She calls him several times a day and wants to talk – to share her pregnancy with him.

And he’s pulling away. 

He doesn’t want her to call so much. He’s losing interest. She feels him disengaging and doesn’t know what to do.

Andrea feels “He’s pushing me away…” (You can read Andrea’s whole comment by clicking here):

Here’s my answer:

Andrea, he is not pushing you away – YOU are pushing HIM away.

I know this is not what you want to hear, but this is what’s happening.

Part of this is just about who he is.  Some men might call you over and over, all day long, and want to hear everything about your pregnancy, but perhaps (and I’m going to research this) that really isn’t the typical profile for a soldier.

Your husband is telling you that this is how he feels: He’s overseas, in the middle of a volatile, dangerous situation, surrounded by other men. He does NOT want to be picking up his phone all the time to talk to his wife. It’s embarrassing to him, he doesn’t like it.

I don’t know where your husband is stationed, if he’s in a truly dangerous situation or not, or even if he’s under tremendous stress – though I would guess he would be. Perhaps it’s his situation that’s making it difficult for him to be there for you, and perhaps it’s just who he is, and your only option is to do what YOU can to make things better, instead of accidentally making them worse.

And right now, your anger, upset, and need of him – no matter how RIGHT you are to feel that way and to want his support –  is making everything worse.  It’s simply not getting you what you want.

You have to do the opposite of what you’re doing.

I watched a “Supernanny” episode a few weeks ago where the husband was also overseas in the Armed Forces. The wife was beside herself, nearly unable to cope with their three children on her own.  She was coming apart at the seams.

Supernanny did several things. First, she got the wife emotionally together. She got her focused on her children and focused on helping herself feel powerful.  She got her to believe in herself as a good mother, and quickly – she started to feel and act like an emotionally capable person.

She did this by changing the way she talked to her children, how she related to them. She also put a family blog up for them, so that they could talk through the blog to her husband (this would be a good way for you to post pictures, and he might like it much more than phone calls, because he can visit when HE wants). She also set up a webcam situation, so they could see each other when they talked – and the call would come through from HIM.

With these things in place, he felt more excited about getting and keeping in touch – he liked emailing, he liked reading the blog entries and commenting, and making his own posts.  He liked that it didn’t take him away from his duties or his off-duty activities with the other guys.  He liked that his buddies could participate by seeing the blog, by being in the webcam pictures – it was just way more fun for him.

The whole trick here is to give him space, and empower YOURSELF. And I know you’d think he has plenty of space, being so far away. But the truth is – you married a man in the Armed Forces. You knew what you were getting into. I know it’s hard, very, very hard, and yet you can’t marry a man with a dangerous career that requires travel and then want to take it back. You can’t turn a man who is NOT a homebody into a homebody, a regular guy who goes to the office and comes home. That is not who he is.

You CAN, however, make him WANT to talk to you more.

The way to do that is to not NEED to talk to him. You have to get so busy and happy that HE feels the need to talk to you because if he doesn’t – he’s missing out on something GREAT. Right now, he’s running from talking with you because of the need, desperation, and loneliness you’re laying on him.

I know this is harsh. I’m asking YOU to change, and not him. This is the only way to get what you want. Please talk to the other women around you in your same situation, get help and support, learn how they’re dealing with this painful separation and also with worrying about their husbands’ safety, and help each other get through this.

I wish Andrea so much luck, and if you’re in the same situation, it would be great to have you comment so we could create a community around this difficult and painful separation you’re enduring.  I’m going to do some research so that I can be a resource for all of you whose husbands are serving our country.

Love, Rori

Daria asked this:

“Rori, I remember you talking about being curious about the man… would this mean we can ask questions to find out what we’re curious about? I also remember that things about him are “his business.” So how do these two concepts work?”
Here’s my answer:

1. Being curious is in the moment, and it’s about listening to him and following his thoughts, his energy, his vibe, his feelings by tuning in to him and just “Being There.”

2. Questions that come up then naturally follow what he says.

3. Curiosity also includes questions you have that relate to your feelings and experiences with him – that could look like: “I felt so dismissed just then when you said…what happened there?” Or “Wow, this dinner you just cooked tastes incredible…how’d you learn to do this?”

3. Questions that come up for you that are “none of your business” – have to do with YOUR AGENDA. In other words – what YOU want from HIM.

It could be questions about his business, his car, how much money he makes, his past relationships, how he feels about you, what his intentions are…all these things are fair game to be curious about if they come up in the moment, or they affect how you want to proceed, or if he asks you for exclusivity, you could state your concerns and ask him what he’d like to tell you about these things…but if you’re asking him because you want to put a “plan” together…that’s different.

So – if you’ve been dating for a long while, and he doesn’t call you for a week, being curious could be: “I really missed you, and I missed hearing your voice. It felt really weird to not be in contact with you…is there something I should know?”

Having an agenda and entering into “his business” would be “Why didn’t you call? You know how important contact is for me? Where were you? What were you doing? How did you feel about it?…and so on…

Let me know if this is a powerful issue for you - and I’ll write more about it.

Love, Rori