Have The Relationship You Want

I’m going to use voting as a Tool to feel more powerful – so let’s look at it just from the personal perspective of your love life.

Let’s say that voting isn’t about politics – it’s about empowerment. It’s about believing that you count. Just you, one person, one woman.

We get so caught up in feeling like part of a “group” – where we have little influence on others, and yet the “culture” of the group infuences US.

And then we narrow that down even further, and feel as though a man has influence over us, but we have none over him.

Just the fact and the feeling that we love him or desire him makes us feel weak. And then we react to that in different ways. We can react to feeling weakened by our desire by running away from him. And if running away doesn’t work, because he feels actually even more inspired to chase us – then we push him away.

We push him away by closing our hearts, by treating him as if he’s an irresponsible, unworthy child who needs our guidance, and by unleashing all our stored up anger and fear on him.

Not registering to vote, and not showing up to vote are the same – on a huger scale. We feel powerless. We feel unimportant. We quote statistics to PROVE we’re powerless in the world, just as we can easily quote statistics to prove there are no good men out there and that most marriages fail. We can talk ourselves out of power.

There are lots of ways to reverse this.

Let’s talk ourselves INTO Power. Into believing we HAVE Power.

To feel empowered with a man, we have to believe in our own desires – that they are WORTHY, that they are GOOD. That, just because we’re a woman, we DESERVE and are entitled to HAVE our desires. And from there – when a man shows up who actually wants to help us have what we want in love and life – we can agree with him! We can RECEIVE the love he has to offer. We can TAKE what he gives. We can feel our power to influence HIS life – without even trying.

So start with small things to begin believing that you make a difference in your world.

See how when you water a plant and take care of it, it grows. See how – instead of following tragedy and pain in the news, you read about and watch things that inspire you, make you feel creative, and make you want to take ACTION for yourself (I love home-decorating shows because of this).

See how when you love an animal or a child, just from the overflowing radiance of your heart, and not from a desire to GET love back, it blossoms.

See how when you give love to YOURSELF, you bloom. And see how when YOU bloom, everyone around you blooms, too. Especially your man. Especially his love for you.

So, if you’re not registered to vote, go do it. Make a decision that you count, no matter what anyone says.

And then make your decision about who you want to vote for and what propositions on the ballot in your state you want to support and which you want to say No to based on feeling powerful – as if your vote would be the deciding vote.

You can register really easily online, you print out the form and mail it in. I googled a bunch of places, here’s one I thought was fun and easy: www.RockTheVote.com.

Don’t give up on ANYTHING. Keep your dreams of love alive, vote for yourself, and I’ll keep giving you Tools to make it all happen.

Love, Rori

Here’s a comment from Linda about Leaning Back that I wanted to turn into a follow-up post:

“Thank you Rori, This is just good stuff. I have always leaned forward. I can’t wait to try this (Leaning Back). My boyfriend always always leans back. so if we both lean back…Can that work.. ? I look back in my life.. and I can tell you…with every relationship I had… who leaned back and who leaned forward. I was always more attracted to the ones who leaned back.”

Here’s my answer:

This is a great question – what happens when you LeanBack and HE LeansBack, too?

This is where you have to “Outgirl” him (go to the “glossary of Rori Raye Terms” page of the blog – it’ll explain).

You have to stay Leaning Back until you discover one of two things:

1. He leans forward, steps up and acts like a man most of the time, and the Energy Exchange has been successfully shifted, or…

2. He can’t. He’s incapable of acting like a man most of the time. He’s a Feminine Energy man and will always be.

If this is what happens, you have to make a decision whether to keep him or not.

In my experience with my clients, when it becomes clear that a man is incapable of stepping up – you will, if you’re honest with yourself, find yourself turned off. You’ll find yourself bored with him.

You will have reclaimed enough of your energy, shifted enough of your focus from him to yourself, and opened enough of your options to basically lose interest in him.

At that point, you let him go without pain. In fact – it feels good!

Try looking at everything from this perspective…He has to live up to YOUR wonderful life standards.  He has to enhance your life – or you lose interest.

This is a waaaayyy better place to look at him and the relationship than thinking of him as your sole source of happiness.

He’s not your sole source of happiness.

You are.

When you really get - in your mind, heart, body and spirit – that you can have the happiness you want, and that there are many, many, many men out there who’d LOVE to join you and help make YOU happy, everything will turn around for you.

You don’t have to work so hard, and want so much from a man who doesn’t know how to give it.

Try Leaning Back and staying there until one of these two results starts to get clear for you.

Love, Rori

A man can betray us in many ways.

He can betray us sexually.  He can simply lie to us about how he feels.  He can have an emotional connection with another woman that takes him away from us. He can have a fantasy life that keeps him from committing fully to a deep relationship with us.

Mimi wrote a comment to my post on what to do if your man betrays you, and I wanted to use it to jump off of here…

Mimi’s husband fell “in love” with a woman at work 17 years into their 19 year marriage, and he still seems to be “mooning” over her.

Mimi is caught between wanting to save her marriage and just give up and start fresh… She said:

“I am confused because when home he tells me he loves me…How can I approach talking to my husband about this without pushing him away? Should I start looking more at other men and conclude that perhaps we should call it quits? I love him but I don’t want to share his love.”

Here’s my answer:  Mimi, ask yourself if you want to fight this and keep your marriage together, or do you want to give up?

And the weird thing – giving up is the best way to fight!

If you can continue to turn your attention to yourself, feel as great as you can, that’s the starting point.

Use the Tool in my Reconnect Your Relationship program, Change Everything – that means change your hair color and style (keep it as long as possible, no short cuts), change the clothes and colors you wear – in fact pick one color (pink, red, baby blue, lavender) and wear it ALL the time – change your makeup, do things that make you feel sexy. Show your body, wear lace, wear jewelry – whatever feels good.

A pole dancing, or erotic dancing class is a terrific, fun way to really “get into yourself.”  (Remember – this isn’t for HIM, it’s for YOU.)

And FLIRT.  You don’t have to actually go out with other men to talk to them in public places, to allow them to come up to you and start conversations, to flirt at parties. 

Get mysterious by really having fun on your own.  I’m not talking about lectures at the library, I’m talking about dancing, art openings, walks at the beach. 

This will all change how you feel about YOU, and it will start to turn you into the MOST desireable woman – you’ll get a higher Degree of Difficulty, and that’s your best chance of turning things around.

In a way – he has to look at you fresh.

How does this look like “giving up?”  Because it has nothing to do with HIM.  You’re not talking to him about repairing the relationship, you’re not asking him to not think about this woman, or not write emails to himself – you’re focused on YOU.

And, at the same time, you feel the way you feel.  You don’t pretend to be all chipper and happy and upbeat.  If you’re feeling upset and sad, then feel those things – just don’t engage him in a conversation about it, unless he asks.

I know this is the complete opposite of what we all instinctively want to do.  We want to simply go to our man, shake him, and make him do and feel what we want him to do and feel.  And we can’t.  It doesn’t work.

The way to attract a man in a situation like this is to move AWAY from him, not TOWARD him.  And at the same time, whenever he DOES come toward you – that’s the time to be open, adventurous, loving, flirty and warm.  It’s NOT the time to show your anger and distress by attacking him or trying to get him to do something or to understand you.

Being open, adventurous, loving, flirty and warm means you feel what you feel – perhaps wonderful because you’re taking such good care of yourself and having so much fun, perhaps sad and angry because you miss him in the relationship.

No matter what you’re feeling – you WELCOME him INTO your feelings.  You open your heart, let him see whatever’s going on there, let him talk, let him do and say what he does and says, and you respond from your heart.

That could look like: “It feels good to be lying here with you.”

It could also look like “I was feeling so angry and sad, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to even let you near me…and it feels good just to let you close…”

Good luck to Mimi, and plese let me know your story – and your thoughts – too.

Love, Rori

I just saw an article for a product – Oxytocin in a spray bottle.

Oxytocin is a hormone we women make plenty of that makes us feel good, makes us feel connected and loving, and makes us feel loved. It makes us feel bonded to ourselves, and it makes us feel bonded to a man.

Oxytocin is why we get so attached to a man so quickly when we sleep with him. Why we fall into the “Girlfriend Trap” so easily.

This product works when you spray it into your nose – or into the nose of your man…

You’d spray it into the nose of your man (or he’d spray it into his own nose) so he’d feel more loving feelings in the relationship – it would theoretically inspire his own oxytocin (the tiny amounts a man produces compared to the huge amounts we women produce) to get going. Oh my. What are we to make of this?

Before you go get your own Oxytocin bottle and try to spray your man’s nose in his sleep, try this:

1. Look in his eyes while he’s talking. Don’t try to multi-task, or think about anything else – just be there with him…

2. Sing with him – along with the radio, old songs you both know, at karaoke night at the neighborhood hangout (even if you don’t get onstage, sing with him during the breaks while you look in his eyes and smile).

3. Appreciate him. Tell him “Thank You” every time he does anything even remotely meant to please you – and do it from your heart.

4. Let him please you. Practice Receiving from him. Whatever he wishes to give you, no matter how small, accept his gift of a word, a hand out of the car, a pat on your rear – with a smile, a “melt” and a look in his eyes.

Let me know how this works for you – better than a spray bottle any time…

Love, Rori