Have The Relationship You Want

Here’s the next step in Bethany’s work - completely overhauling and reversing her opinion of herself, taking herself out of “doormat” mode and putting herself into “goddess” mode, having Boundaries and yet being soft, open, warm and inviting, advocating for herself and her ENTIRE life - not just the part of it she shares with Carl:

“Rori, After I e-mailed you I decided to let my feelings take me–I laid down on my bed and felt sad and angry and I even moaned a little.  Then I went downstairs after I felt a little better and he called me!

I didn’t feel angry when I picked up the phone.  I felt good and he came over and we watched the debate and I tried to speak my feelings but it was hard because to have a conversation you have to sometimes go into your head, right?

He would sometimes lay his head on my shoulder and I didn’t really like that because it felt like something a girl would do–also he says “I feel” a lot, although it’s always masculine “I feel that” “I feel like” messages.  I did say I felt “debate-fatigued” and he pulled me into him, and that felt good.

I just rested against his body and felt warm with his arm around me.  Afterward we talked excitedly about going away for the weekend and then we went up to my room and made out for a few minutes on my bed, he touched my breasts and touched me “down there,” then he had to go.

I felt weird while we were doing this because while I tried to breathe through my vagina my mind was telling me that we were rushing through the physical stuff.  Then he pulled me up and left.  I feel weird–I sooooo want him to say the things he said a couple weeks ago like “Bethany, you’re amazing” and share with me, but he didn’t.  I feel needy.

I like the physical stuff, but it’s conventional wisdom that if you do too much too soon that he won’t value you as much.  I have to figure out what I’m going to say and do in the car–come up with some “I feels” beforehand. Thanks, Bethany”

Here’s my answer:

Bethany – this is all about how you feel – and about turning that “needy” feeling into a relaxed, comfortable place of not knowing what’s going to happen next and not being attached to the outcome.  I know – it’s a tricky place to even imagine being – but that’s where it’s at.

Forget about “conventional wisdom.” What anyone else thinks about relationships has NOT steered us right in the past - so forget about it.  What Carl values is what YOU value.  If YOU value the sex you want to have with him, whatever that is - they HE’LL find it valuable.

A man will have exactly the opinion of you that YOU have of you - no matter WHAT you do!

You can swing from a chandelier and have sex with him all night after meeting him for two minutes - and if YOU value YOU - HE’LL think you’re MAGICAL.

In your letter, where you say this: “while I tried to breathe through my vagina my mind was telling me that we were rushing through the physical stuff…”

…I think that feeling RUSHED was a physical sensation for you - and then it went up to your head as a judgment - trying to make sense of the sensation and figure out what to do with it.

If you flip that “problem” of “what do I do when I’m feeling rushed?” - you’ll get “I want to take my time…”

Even if it’s a “quickie,” YOU want to feel in the spirit of the moment…feel connected and swept up in the tempo…you want your feelings and sensations to go WITH the tempo…you want to stay connected to yourself…

So - what would you say?

How about “Whoa…I feel like I’m not breathing…that feels so good…I feel like I’m getting ahead of myself here…I’m feeling overwhelmed…I’m feeling slower…It would feel good to slow down…”

Just look for moments of feeling like this – and write them down with the words to say that feel exactly like the true feeiings you’re experiencing, and these moments will increase.  Love, Rori

***This is such a universal problem for all of us - when to speak and when to be quiet, what to say, what not to say, how to say what you feel, how to say what you mean.

So - sit down and write out some of your situations where you felt uncomfortable and totally stuck about what to say…write out what you did say and how that worked, what you stuffed down and what happened next.

You can see that the moment Bethany felt “Rushed” - Carl stopped.  He sat up and said goodbye.  This isn’t mind reading - he could feel her “energy” drift away from him.

Let me know your thoughts and feelings here…Love, Rori

Allana Pratt, the Sexy Mom Expert (and I know her and love her and she truly is a wonderful coach…) wrote a comment about my Circular Dating as Healing post - you can read her whole comment here->

Allana asked me a question - basically about the concept of taking a “break” from dating to heal…

For the most part, she encourages Circular Dating, but if a woman has a strong addiction to men who are awful for her, and is feeling terrible about herself, Allana asks her to stop dating entirely for about a month.  During that month, her client goes through pretty much the pain of “withdrawal” from the addiction and then is able to return to “conscious dating” from a much better place.

Allana asked what I thought and about my own experiences as a coach - and here it is… (I’m going to be doing an entire new program around Breakup Rescue and Healing Your Heart - what this is all about -  so I’m just going to touch on this here…)

In my experience, just like men - we are either the kind of person who launches ourselves into action and goes out dancing the moment we hit heartache, or we’re the kind of person who sits at home with the TV and a gallon of ice cream night after night.

Some of us are party girls, like the celebrities we follow in the news, and some of us hide ourselves away.

But it’s the same thing going on.  It might look different - if we go out partying, we’re trying to distract ourselves from the pain of our heartaches, our addictions and frustrations and all the old traumas and old patterns that are running us in an unconscious way.

If we sit home and cry, we’re still following some old patterns of coping - sinking into the hopeless “what ifs” and “if onlyies.”

If we go out to seminars and workshops hoping to heal ourselves by doing group work that SHOULD be meaningful and helpful, we often feel our pain even MORE than if we just go to the nearest Starbucks for coffee.

It’s not what we DO that’s important.  It’s how we USE what happens inside and outside us when we do it. It’s about bumping up against our old icky “stuff” - the deeply painful and terrifying feelings we’ve buried our whole lives - and transforming the “energy” of the feelings - just by EXPERIENCING them- even a little.

With a talented coach like Allana, you would be walked and supported through doing this and get great results - wherever you are.

So - the question is - what should you CHOOSE to DO while you’re bumping up against old horrible feelings?  How should you CHOOSE to TRIGGER yourself - to Trigger the bumping up against these deeply buried and powerful feelings?

Should you choose to take baths and do yoga in your living room, and read and meditate? Should you do only the necessary things - marketing, the dry cleaners, work, driving the kids around, paying your bills, cleaning and de-cluttering and decorating your home?

Or should you get yourself on an online dating site or go to Speed Dating events or go to dance classes, lectures, group hikes, acting classes - places where there might be MEN? Should you accept a coffee date even though the man who’s asking you looks just like the one who just broke your heart and treated you like a second-class woman?

These are the questions Allana is talking about, and here’s my short answer:

When you’re working to shift the way you’ve been your whole life, there’s a pattern:

1. Something happens. It can happen with or without your choosing, with or without your action.  In the course of your day, you may see even the smallest thing - a bug, or a tree, or a picture…or smell a perfume or some food…or so many things you might come in contact with…and that something that happens will…

2. …Trigger you.  This means you will have an emotional, physical and mental REACTION.  You will feel something.  And then that feeling will trigger some thoughts, and those thoughts will lead to other feelings.  And almost all the time - the feelings and thoughts that are triggered, the ones that show up and take you over for a moment, an hour, a day, a week - are the SAME exact feelings and thoughts that ALWAYS come up when the same thing happens.

This Triggering is an automatic reaction based on old traumas and fears…and it can be mixed in with a perfectly healthy, “normal” reaction to something real - For instance, someone in a restaurant walks by you and suddenly drops a tray full of glasses.  They crash to the ground.  You jump out of your seat, your heart pounding.

Part of this reaction was instinctive about the threat that just happened in reality - you heard glass crash, you were startled and instinctively moved to get away from the flying glass and the noise.

And part of this reaction might have been a replay of your reaction when a loud noise and crashing sound happened to you BEFORE.

To your brain and body - it doesn’t matter if it’s really happening or if it’s just happening as an automatic response.  Your mind and body believe, for that moment, that it’s real. And if you’re like me - the experience of this can ‘bum you out” all evening.  The old feeling takes you over, puts you in a “mood.”

Or - a man can say or do something that sets you off - perhaps feeling chemically, powerfully attracted to him and nervous, or makes you feel dismissed and angry and hurt…and that can just be the same thing you’ve experienced over and over and over again.

What’s important here is:

3.  What you do when you get triggered - do you avoid and resist the painful feelings, or do you sink into them and go THROUGH them to the other side?

If you RESIST, nothing will change within you internally.  You will reinforce your stuck place, AND you will feel even MORE pain - because the pain is in the Resistance.

If you choose to SINK INTO the feelings and go through them (The way I walk you through in many of my programs…) you will then need to…

4. …Rest.  You have to rest because your body, mind, spirit and heart will be Regrouping and Reorganizing.  Resting, Regrouping and Reorganizing takes the time it takes, and each of us has to learn to get in touch with how this part of the cycle works.

Now…here’s where you get to decide some things:

5. How do you choose to go through this process of  Something Happening, Getting Triggered, and Resting? Do you wish to be ACTIVE or PASSIVE about getting triggered?

In other words, do you want to PUSH yourself forward, or do you want to SIT BACK and see what happens?

No matter what - SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN.  You WILL get triggered.  The only difference is in what YOU CHOOSE to get triggered by, and how active and specific you want to be.

NOT doing something is not RESTING.  Even if you lock yourself in at home, you will get Triggered.  You will go through the cycles over and over again every time you THINK of something that triggers you.

And here’s where curing an addiction to love and certain kinds of men differs from curing an addiction to alcohol or drugs. We know what a drug is.  We know what alcohol is.  You know when you go into a bar there will be alcohol there.  You know when you go to a party with the old friends you used to do drugs with - there will be drugs there.  And you know what those drugs look like.

You can say yes or no to something concrete.  But men are different.  It takes skill and practice to tell a man who’s a bad drug from a man who’s a good guy.  It takes practice getting in touch with your own feelings.  Living is an art.  And like the art of acting or music, you cannot learn how to be with men without practicing.  Without actually DOING the acting scenes and playing the music.

Tiger Woods could not redo his entire golf swing (a major, major undertaking) without practicing the new swing over and over and over again - and experiencing how drawn he would be to the old swing.  Staying away from his golf clubs would not have helped, because the response in his body to picking up a golf club is to swing it in a certain, old way.  He has to retrain his body to swing.

And most all women have been swinging wrong.  What we consider “dating” and relationship can actually be, as Allana had said here also - an addiction, and not relationship at all.  We have taught ourselves to NOT be authentic and NOT to feel in the presence of a man.

So - we can either go to work, the market, and stay home (and this is all after the “Rest” period - which could take anywhere from hours to days  - and your Rest and Regroup and Reorganization process will go faster and faster every time you go through these cycles if you go INTO the feelings instead of RESIST them)-

- Or you can force yourself to get Triggered in both - yes - ARTIFICIAL situations (Speed Dating, Online Dating) - and also organic situations (lectures and workshops and classes and stores that interest YOU, and feel good to YOU), and use ALL those situations to use my Tools and my Flirting and Circular Dating techniques to learn - as fast as you can - while still HONORING your need to REST.

In other words - Dating and Circular Dating is Free Therapy.  This is not about “distracting” yourself from your pain and hurt. This is not about finding your dream man.

What this is about is working through your addictions in the presence of the drug, until you learn which man will ENCOURAGE your addiction - and which man will help you detox, so you know which to avoid and which to let in.

This is on-the-job training.  This is learn-as-you-go.  This has nothing to do with finding Mr. Right. This has everything to do with helping YOU feel Right with YOU.

And from there - you can have EVERYTHING you want.

We can talk more and more about this, and about what “Resting” uniquely means for you, and I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Love, Rori