Have The Relationship You Want

I’m writing this as a “jump-off” from a letter I received from “Jeanne.” I don’t want to print the letter itself, because I’m going to say something unfavorable about the therapist in the letter – so, here goes:

In the letter, “Jeanne” has a horrible-feeling pattern of getting involved with men who are Toxic, who are emotionally unavailable and cold – and her therapist calls this attraction to these kinds of men, and the fact that she keeps attracting these kinds of men a “bum magnet.”

This is kind of a cool label for attracting and being attracted to toxic men or men who just aren’t good for YOU – so I’m totally okay with the “bum magnet” (we’ll talk later about how ALL negative labels can set you back instead of propel you forward, but let’s just go with this concept for now).

Then the therapist advised Jeanne to “take a break from dating for awhile,” until she could get this “bum magnet” cleared up inside herself.

Now, if you’ve been reading my work – you know this is the exact opposite of what I teach, and the exact opposite of Circular Dating.

And here’s why disconnecting from the forward movement toward the goal you want, in order to “work on yourself” exclusively and alone – DOES NOT WORK as fast as Circular Dating being A PART of this inner work – works.

It takes more bravery, yes, and it takes the Tools to understand what you’re doing with Circular Dating – and what the goal is.

To make this a global kind of understanding – ALL forms of “positive thinking” – Wishboards, Affirmations, Positive ACTIONS (Circular Dating is included here) – work on TWO levels:

1. Doing and thinking things that make you feel GOOD – even for one moment – retrain your mind, body and spirit to move to a higher level of pleasure.

Looking for that wonderful picture of a wedding to put on your Wishboard causes intense pleasure for a moment, just as seeing a beautiful man across the room and watching and experiencing him coming toward you to talk to you causes intense pleasure for a moment. And this is FANTASTIC. But, here’s the other side:

2. Doing and thinking things that make you feel good TRIGGER you. They trigger old TRAUMA. Trauma happens when we experience something bad and painful and frightening and we are HELPLESS to affect the outcome. We are prevented from either fleeing or fighting successfully. We have no control. And that is the short explanation of TRAUMA. It’s not the experience – it’s the moment of helplessness that creates Trauma. Old trauma is made up of memories of the bad-feeling things, and just the fleeting idea that you may be about to re-experience any of those old bad – perhaps even terrifying – memories and feelings is enough to make your body, your heart, your mind – react in the way it first reacted to that Trauma.

There are many ways that can look – we can tune out, we can shut down and go numb, we can try to run away but somehow STAY THERE…

So – when you see the picture of the wedding on your Wishboard – you feel both the thrill of possibility, and then the Voice in your head and the tension and anxiety and maybe even numbness in your body that makes it impossible to experience that thrill for more than a second.

Now – at this point – we usually quit. We stop the Wishboard, we forget about the self-help tapes and the meditation, eat junk – and generally return to our “comfort zone.” Our trauma wins.

And the little glimmer of hope, of pleasure that we experienced in a moment of the Affirmation, the Wishboard…reminds us both of the possibility – and makes us beat ourselves up over not continuing to feel that way.

And that’s why staying away from Dating and focusing on the work inside yourself is like attempting to move forward without triggering yourself. It can’t be done. Therapists out there may disagree with me – but every therapist I know and love who has a track record DOES agree with me.

So – how do you Trigger yourself with something as powerful as going out on dates with men you don’t know and may not even like – men who may be boring and safe, or great and just like those other Toxic Men you’ve always somehow ended up with?

Practice. That’s how.

Meditation is not a one-time fix all. Meditation is a “Practice.” You do it over and over and over. You experience yourself going down into yourself and then up again to your old thoughts. It’s a CONTINUAL experience.

Circular Dating is not a one-time fix. It’s meant as a meditation practice. Sound weird? Dating as “meditation”? And yet, that’s what I’m asking you to do.

I’m asking you to look at the “practice” of Dating just like you’d look at a Wishboard. Just like you’d look at an Affirmation. As something you do over and over and over again, with new men and different outcomes – and through ALL the experiences – you TRACK YOURSELF.

We’ll talk more and more about Tracking yourself in all your interactions with men – and for now – This means, you stay alert and aware to what’s happening. You take notes, you draw pictures, you sing and dance about it.

You use the OUTER work of interacting with different men in different places and different experiences to FUEL your INNER work.

So – Jeanne, if you’re reading this – please show your therapist this post. Let me know if you can find a way to use Circular Dating to turn what your therapist (and you) have now labeled your biggest failure – having a “bum magnet” – into the EXACT Tool you need to change everything for yourself – more quickly and permanently.

To start considering how to do this – go to the Power & Self-Esteem series here (you can also find the series in “Top Posts”) – start from the very first post (use the dates as guides), write out your answers here for practice – and then practice doing this ALL the time, until you can Track yourself like this even when you’re in a frightening situation where you feel Triggered.

Love, Rori

Here’s the next letter from Bethany – You can see how she’s working the Tools, feeling so much more, expressing herself in Feeling Messages, doing the Tools from the Power & Self-Esteem category on this blog and getting much better results with her men:

“Rori,
 
Okay, well, I’m going away with him for the weekend!  I felt really good last night and called and told him that I was ready for a road trip.  I felt upbeat and that translated well over the phone, I think.  So we said goodnight, then he called and asked if I would look at one of the stories he’s writing for a class and I said yes, he sent it to me, I called him back and told him what I thought. 

He thanked me, we had some back and forth, and then he asked if I was going to bed soon, I said yes, then he texted me later to say thanks and goodnite and I texted back to say goodnite but I used a feeling message: “Feels good when you let me read your stuff” or something like that.
 
So I saw him today in the office as I suspected, and as I’d been practicing my dance position - I Leaned Back and did it as best as I could.  He asked me some bullshit questions and I couldn’t think of anything!  I didn’t have anything prepared, I admit.  So then he left and I practiced all day, still thinking about him, still obsessing but working on dropping my thoughts. 

Then I missed a text from him about watching the pres. debates tonight I texted him back about two hours later with a “sure!”  and didn’t get anything back, but then I remembered he has class until 7 p.m. so I felt good again.  But now it’s almost 7:30 and the debate starts in half an hour and he hasn’t texted or called!  I feel angry and sad and frustrated at him. 

I’m stuffing it…I tried the wave thing from Modern Siren and I feel myself rocking with anger.  I feel embarrassed for being so angry about this, but how can I feel relaxed this weekend if I’m mad and disappointed about him not calling/texting?  I feel like throwing up.  I feel like punching him in the face.  How am I supposed to not stuff my feelings when/if he calls or texts?  I hate texting.
 
I wonder if he’s kind of immature.  Maybe too immature?  I don’t know.  This must have something to do with my “Stranger” but she’s not saying anything to me.  Her name is Elvira.  She’s pissed right now.
 
I feel like he doesn’t care about me if he’s not going to call me back/text me right away.  I feel like throwing up. Bethany”

I had a very simple answer for her: Bethany – You’re doing FANTASTIC! – Just keep going.  The anger is SO much BETTER than the depression, fear, sadness – AND he called when you let go…that’s the way it works. Love, Rori

 

 

This Tool is from Reshi’s comment – here’s what she wrote:

“This is completely random and off-topic but I just made up a Tool today that might help some women. I don’t know about most people, but I believe that the music you listen to has a huge subconscious effect on your emotional and mental programming. And if you listen –really listen to the lyrics of most of the songs on the radio these days, you’ll hear a lot of women leaning forward, women pining after an imaginary relationship, and men generally being insufferable bastards who don’t know what they want but don’t want the woman they’re with.

So here’s what I did: I went through my ITunes library and made a playlist consisting ONLY of love songs sung by men who I felt were coming from a Masculine Energy, Leaning Forward place (the 1950’s is a great decade for that, btw)…and then just sat back and listened to it and pretended that every single one of the singers was singing to or about me.

It was amazing how hard that was at first –just to let in that energy and not try to turn it back by singing along and turning MYSELF into the guy! And then I realized that it was in fact a deeply ingrained habit of mine to take some wonderful, manly love song and turn it around, make myself into the guy, and express those Leaning Forward emotions towards some imaginary man –or even towards some real man that I was pining after! Ick, how awful! And I also realized that I was, on a deep level, SCARED to let in all the wonderful loving masculine energy coming from the songs. But when I was able to do it, I felt so warm and open and free, it was amazing. Try it!, Reshi”

Okay – this is terrific.  I’m not organized with my music at all, so I SO appreciate this new Tool. music is incredibly powerful – we listen to sad love songs all the time, remember songs we heard at particular points and places in our lives, connect music to all kinds of feelings, old and new.

I don’t even have an ipod, so I can’t tell you how to organize your playlist, so if you have questions about how to do it, or suggestions of songs to offer, please let’s do that right here.

The most powerful hit I personally get from this is how over the years I’ve only really listened closely to female singers.  From Barbra Streisand to Laura Nyro to the “Siren” collection I bought at Starbucks and the new wave of “baby-voiced” singers I see every week on Saturday Night Live and hear in restaurants.

Some of them are “pining away” songs, and some are angry songs, and some are “I’m moving on” songs.

I only remember male singers in relation to my being “turned-on” by them – by the sound, by the pictures of them – as if their singing and celebrity had some hold over me.  And because they were so far away, really, from my life – it was more of the same “unavailable man” thing.

But this Tool works differently.

You pick a song sung by a man, and he sings to YOU about his love for you.

And – you allow yourself to revel in it, to feel it, to experience it, to move with it, to feel turned on a sexy with it – from a place of POWER.

YOU are the one turning on the song and listening to it.

YOU deserve the love, you receive the love, you are the SOURCE of DEESIRE for the singer.

Also try this – once you’ve experienced this feeling of surrender to being WANTED and DESIRED by the singer of the song, take that FEELING out into the world.

When you’re walking around, remember how it feels to have masculine energy and love coming TOWARD YOU – and remember how it feels to let that in – to RECEIVE that love.

Try this, recommend some great songs if you’d like (perhaps you’d like to keep them to yourself – let me know how you feel about that, too), and let us all know how this new Tool works…

Thanks, Reshi -

Love, Rori

Here’s my answer for Baby Blue Eyes – First – the question:

“Hi Rori, I have a question for you about the ‘Girlfriend Trap.’ I love the concept, but if a man officially asks a lady to be his ‘girlfriend,’ how does one decline – without putting him ‘off’?”

And here’s my answer:

Blue Eyes – If he asks you to be his “Girlfriend” – that’s your opoportunity to talk about what that means to him, and what it means to you.

If you’re very young, in college, and marriage is somewhere far off for you – being a “Girlfriend” is totally the way to go.  It’s great practice, you learn a lot, you get and give all kinds of love.

But if what you want NOW is a real, serious, lifelong relationship and marriage, then you have to ask.

You say: “Wow – that feels fantastic, and before I can accept, can we talk a bit about what that means?”

He’ll say something like – “What do you mean?”

You say: “Well, for me to give up my options and be exclusive with anyone “… (remember – you’re Circular Dating up to the moment he asks you for exclusivity, right?) …”I would only feel comfortable with that if I can feel secure that you’re thinking about me seriously…If you’re interested in marriage down the line, and I can feel comfortable that you know that’s what I’m thinking…”

Please – rewrite this speech in your OWN Feeling Messages, and use it as a way to get CLOSER to your man.  Intimacy means TALKING.

Perhaps, to him – a “Girlfriend” is for now – or he’s looking at YEARS while he figures out what he wants with you “down the line.”

And what you want is a man who wants you FOREVER – and “Girlfriend” is a very short-term step before “Fiance.”

Let me know what you think and FEEL about this…

Love, Rori