Have The Relationship You Want

This is a jump off from Ashley’s comment - here-> about how to date and handle sex and being a ‘Girlfriend.”

Ashley, here’s my take - when you’re young - say not yet within three to five years of wanting to have a child - though you really don’t want to fall into the “Girlfriend” trap - that’s the time when you have to figure out what to do about sex in that context.

Here’s where I think Erika can help you (see her comment here ->).  She has some very strong, interesting and powerful views about celibacy and how to do it even while you’re dating up a storm.

Talking with Erika here, and on her blog, also, might give you some things to think about.  She’s also totally, as you can see from her comment - into the organic, moment by moment being present way of working with relationships and men.

(Erika - I also would like to thank you for your fabulous comments and invite you to send me some longer posts about how to date while being celibate - with your permission I’ll incorporate them into guest posts…)

And on the other side of the coin - I also have “relationship expert” friends who live and prosper in the mode of polyamory - which means you have loving AND sexual relationships with more than one person at a time. Even in a “marriage” you may bring others into the family.  And if you are polyamourous and you like someone enough to “Date” them and become emotionally involved with them, you would also consider sex with them to be part of that - regardless of the “structure” of the “relationship.”  It all sounds pretty far fetched to most of us, and I’ve never tried it or can even get my head around it.

I sit somewhere in the middle.  I see sex as a powerful Tool to get closer to a man, closer to yourself, and yes - closer to God and the Universe.  I see sex as an animal joy and a spiritual miracle, and I am not one to promote celibacy (and I have a 20 year-old daughter and can still say that).

That said, most of us are not in full command of this power of sex, and instead get caught up by our hormones when we have sex with a man.

We are not like men when it comes to sex - and yet, men are capable of the full array of emotions that often cannot be fully expressed WITHOUT sex.

At some point, for a healthy masculine man, a relationship will die without sex.  It will simply not feed the greater growth of his emotions.

And for emotionally unhealthy men, the greater growth is more than he can handle.

My past is full of “serial” relationships and boyfriends, one after the other, all of whom I had sex with. Whatever drove me to jump in so fast (literally) - I know that sometimes I beat myself up over my poor choice because THEY liked ME so much more than I liked them, and most often I beat myself up because I loved them and they didn’t care all that much.

And now I don’t believe that sex had anything to do with it.  At that time in my life I needed closeness and affection and to be touched, and I got that for myself however I could, even if it meant deceiving myself.  And I believe that that was my “path.”  That was my “journey.” whatever happened, and whatever I did and didn’t do, whatever mistakes I made - they were a part of who I am now, and I choose to rejoice in who I am now - so - I MUST, then, logically - rejoice in who I WAS.

And I don’t see that having “sex” was necessarily a mistake.  What I see is how clearly I mixed sex up with love and affection, and how I took the “crumbs” of sex rather than actually looking for the whole enchilada.

And most important - I see that I almost DELIBERATELY took those crumbs because I was deeply AFRAID of the whole enchilada.  I had no idea what it looked like, felt like - or what it even meant. Sex had nothing to do with it.

I can remember nearly every experience I ever had with a man - sexual and non-sexual - and I can also see how each one was a DIFFERENT learning experience - though they all followed the same pattern.

I can look back and see the men I felt strongly for, and the men I TRIED to feel strongly for.  I remember how sex fit into the experience for me, how it intensified my feelings or dropped them into the garbage.

So - I want you to follow YOUR path.  Your journey.  And the only thing I want to say about sex is that, as powerful as it is - it cannot CHANGE anyone’s mind.  It can deepen love, and it can liberate the body and spirit, and it can feel cold and coarse and empty, too.  But it cannot change his mind.  It cannot bind him to you.

What it can do - through the way our female hormone’s work - is to bind US to a man.  It binds us in a physical way that feels like love, but often isn’t love at all.  And that’s the problem.

When we are bound, too soon, before we feel secure and happy, to a man on our hormonal level - we run the risk of talking the rest of ourselves into love, whether it’s there or not, or even good for us or not.

And then that can turn into self-deception that damages our entire sense of ourselves.

So - I say a rock-star free spirit woman who can stay in touch with her body, knows what her hormones tell her is not always the truth, and ALWAYS stays in love with HERSELF - can do ANYTHING.  Including having sex with as many men at one time or in serial relationships, or any way she wants to, as is humanly possible.

Find where YOU are on this journey.  Find what will serve YOU best.  Imagine what kind of woman YOU want to be.  Don’t let anyone put rules on you.

Stay in touch with how you feel about YOU - and you’ll be great.

Love, Rori

Every once in awhile I find an article or a post out there that I KNOW will be really helpful to you - and here’s one, from “AdviceMaven” at http://luvem-leavem.blogspot.com/. It’s about “New Trends in Speed Dating,” - the tips here are wonderful all by themselves, and I’m going to add a way to use this information in even MORE ways. Here’s the article:

“Speed dating is a popular solution for singles who are pressed for time and are either leery of or have had no success with internet dating. Whether you’ve always wanted to try speed dating, or you haven’t tried it in awhile, you’ll be surprised at how many new options there are. If the thought of sitting across the table from a steady stream of strangers in awkward silence has kept you from trying speed dating, then read on.

Rock ‘n Roll Dating- Combining speed dating with live music, bands perform in between 20 minute dating sessions. Participants are matched up ahead of time with others who share their musical preferences. The company is based in Boston, but lists events across the country.

Two things that I especially like about this concept are:

1. Whether you discover your soul mate or not, you’ll discover some great local bands.
2. Having similar taste in music is a great foundation, and if you run out of things to talk about, you can always talk about the music.

Speed Bowling- A group of ladies and a group of men bowl as a team alternating frames until all 10 frames are played. The ladies then bowl with a new group of men until all the groups have met each other.

What I like about this concept:

1. First, I like that you alternate frames, so it doesn’t matter if you’re a lousy bowler.
2. You can find our a lot about a man by the way he acts when he bowls. Does he stomp like an infant if he throws a gutter ball? Does he jump up and down and scream “in your face” if he gets a strike? Very useful to know before going for that second date.

Even more speed dating activities: If bowling isn’t your thing, WeekendDating.com also has speed golf, speed cooking, speed dancing and much more. Chances are if you have a hobby, they have a speed dating event centered around it.

Dinner Party Concept- Singles enjoy dinner in a group setting of 4 men and 4 women. The awkwardness of one-on-one traditional speed dating is removed by the group setting, and the venues tend to be classier. There are 2 ways these events are run:

• Traditional Dinner Party- run by companies like Eight at Eight where all 8 diners remain at the same table all evening.
• Rotating Dinner Party- Run by Aish New York, Dinner D8 is an event where singles are placed with a new party of 8 for each course of the meal.

Big pluses of the dinner party approach are:

1. No matter how the evening goes you are going to get a nice meal. No nachos and bar nuts at these gatherings.
2. You’re going to meet men who can dress properly for a date. I get lots of complaints about men who just can’t shake the grunge look, which seriously restricts where he will want to take you on future dates.

Online Speed Dating- For those of you who want the convenience of online dating and the in-person quality of off line dating there is SpeedDate.com. You will have a 3 minute date via live video or chat. After 3 minutes you each vote if you want to continue the date. If there is a match the chat continues, if there is not, then you move on to another person.

This is the ultimate dating format for all the workaholic singles that I know because:

1. No extensive questionnaires to fill out like regular online dating- the excuse that you don’t have time to think up answers for all those crazy profile questions is gone! Plus who cares which cartoon character best describes you anyway?
2. Convenient- You don’t have to drive anywhere, and you don’t have to wait for the next live event. Although this is the only speed dating you can do in your slippers, if you’re going to be on video please remember to change out of your pajamas.

So there they are, all the new speed dating options that are available to singles. After reviewing them one final time, I think I can truly say that there is something for everyone. So if you’ve been feeding your friends that same old sob story about why speed dating isn’t for you, you’d better hope they don’t get a hold of this list.”

Here’s my two cents: Okay - a lot of these sites are not in your area - They’re in New York, or other big cities, and you may not have something like it where you live.  Or they may have age restrictions, or they cost too much. So - what you want to do is LOOK FOR THEM.

Look for events that you could enjoy even if there were no decent men there, that fit your budget, that are close enough to you so you don’t have to make it a big deal travel-wise. AND look for singles events, lectures, slide shows, store and gallery openings at local places - the bowling alley, the dance school, the health food market, the sporting goods store, the dog park…

THIS is the ONLY way I want you to be pro-active. The idea is not to go after MEN, but to go after opportunities to practice the Rori Raye Tools. In other words - it’s about Circular Dating 5 minutes at a time - WHEREVER you are.

If it’s a formal speed dating event, like these (and I KNOW there’s some kind of Speed Dating event near where you live - and the “Dinner Party” idea is very, very popular in many cities and towns) - you can use your Masculine Energy to get you to the event, and help you walk in the door and sign up. And THEN, from the moment you have your name tag and your paperwork, you get to be a GIRL!!

There’s a structure for you to follow. You just do what they tell you, sit where they tell you, get up when they tell you, and you can STAY in GIRL energy the entire time. You get to practice every single Tool - Listening at Level 2, Leaning Back, Passion Stories. You get to practice all your Feeling Messages - and you can use your same “Speeches” - like “No Girlfriend” speeches and “How it feels when…” speeches, if he asks what you “think” about relationships and what you “want ” over and over and over again. Talk about PRACTICE.

Think of how much time you’ll save!

The most important “take-away” here is that the bowling party and dinner party and rock-n-roll party work because they’re about something other than “Dating.” You can go to have fun bowling, or eating, or dancing. And also be escorted through a systematic way to practice. And, of course, as a bonus - meet men. But that’s NOT THE GOAL, here.

A man - a great man - will show up as you are more and more able to RECEIVE him when he shows up. When and where he shows up is NOT under your CONTROL. And you don’t want it to be. You want this to be about the last part of the Rori Raye Mantra - “Be Surprised.”

Make opportunities for yourself to practice the Tools and HEAL yourself from all your old relationships and beliefs about yourself and men that have been holding you back - find EVENTS. Find FUN THINGS. Find things to do out there that you actually enjoy - so that you can get dressed and go out without that feeling of dread you get when you’re going to a bar in hopes of meeting a man.

See PAST the goal of meeting the man. Go for the EXPERIENCE. And even if the experience turns out not to be fun, find the joy of it in the learning, in the practicing, in the Experimenting, in the Experience…(You’ll find the full “6 Good E’s in my Modern Siren Program, for now just focus on Experiment and Experience).

I promise you - this is the kind of Masculine Energy “Doing” that will allow you to surrender into your Feminine Energy “Being.” This is the way to switch “boy” and “girl” hats for the fastest possible results.

Let me know how this post and AdviceMaven have helped you…Love, Rori