Have The Relationship You Want

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So – what possible link can there be between drawing and attracting men?

Lots of links, actually, and I’m working with them myself.  I’m taking an art class once a week – I’ve always loved drawing and painting – but never had any real “technique” so I’d get frustrated with what I was doing and then stop.

Even more important – art, like everything else in my life – became about DOING something instead of simply EXPERIENCING something.

So, in signing up for this class, I set a different intention.  I decided this particular class would be like a weekly visit to an “ashram” – where it would be all about meditation.  It would be all about Exploring, Experimenting, Experiencing, Engaging, Expressing and Expanding (the 6 Good E’s from my Modern Siren program).

I would let go and just be, and give myself over to the experience and the FEELINGS.

It turned out to be just the thing I was looking for, and so I wanted to make up a Tool for you that would help you the way this class is helping me to slow down even more and allow myself to feel and be taken care of by the teachers. (This is not the technique and method from the class – it’s not a Tool about art, but a kind of fun way to shift your perceptions – you’ll get right away how this can really work for you with a man…)

1.  Get a simple piece of paper and a pencil. The softer the pencil, the better.

2.  Pick a time when you have at least 1/2 hour to yourself this first time (You only need 10 minutes after you get the hang of it), and put yourself somewhere where no one will bother you, talk to you, or call you.

3.  Find a table and a chair, clear off the table, and put a few simple objects on it – an apple, a cup, a vase – large, simple shapes.

4.  Sit down, and shake out your arms.

5.  Hold the pencil lightly for now, and just look at the objects.

6.  Pick one of the objects.  Really, really look at it.  What we’re doing here is changing the way you see things, the way you look at things, and slowing down the process of how you see and experience things.

7.  As you look at the object, move your hand easily over the paper, without touching the pencil down, without drawing anything.

8.  Really look at that object.  See if you can see the entire shape of it, like it’s all one shape.  Now look at the detail of it – see if you can see how the light hits it, where the shine is, how the curves curve, what it’s like where the object meets the table.

9.  Now just touch your pencil down to the paper, and let it draw the whole shape of the object lightly, without lifting up the pencil – keep your hand flowing, and don’t worry about what your drawing looks like.

10.  Now slowly notice the smaller details about the object – a curve, a shadow, a shape, a shine – and sort of draw it. Just explore it on the page for longer than you normally would.

11.  This is almost like touching the object, only you’re doing it pencil to paper.  Don’t worry about getting anything “right.”

12.  Now – here’s the “therapy” part:  I want you to notice if you’re tense in your shoulders, and if you’re trying to “accomplish” anything.  If you’re worried about the “time,” or the “foolishness” of this – or if you feel like you’re in a “hurry” to get a picture done and “done right.”

13.  Breathe.  Slow your hand down on the paper, slow your mind down by just focusing on the object.

14.  If you have time, move your attention to one of the other objects, and follow the same steps.

Now – how do you use this with a man?

Let’s say you go to a party, or a restaurant, or a bar. There are lots and lots of people around, noise, it can feel overwhelming.

First, see the room as a “whole,” just the way you did the object.  If you were to draw it, there would be one big space with lots of small movement in it.

Then, if one man, or the man you’re with comes close, see him as both a detail of the space – the way you did the curve of the cup or the angle of the teapot handle you were drawing – and then as a whole.

“Take him in” the way you took in the object you were drawing.

Now look at all his details – his eyes, his mouth, his hair – just observe and BE WITH him and his details just the way you’ve practiced being with the objects you’ve been drawing.

Slow down.  Breathe, smile.  Experience.

(If you discover you love this, there are very inexpensive art classes everywhere, at community centers and junior colleges and even university “extensions” – and if you have an art supply store anywhere near you – the time you spend there will be like an “ashram” experience in in itself, so use this process to get yourself a large “newsprint” pad and a soft “charcoal” pencil (make sure they show you how to sharpen it at the store – that’s part of the whole thing).

Sometimes doing this in a “group” setting, where you can give yourself over to the teacher and really practice Being Present, not trying to accomplish, just tracking your feelings and following the object you’re looking at, and having fun – is easier to schedule and more powerful in how it triggers your desire to DO and yet teaches you how to just BE and Express.

Let me know how this helps you…I’m practicing every day, and so we’re doing this together.

Love, Rori

Thank you for your brilliant comments and stories and testimonials, and I realize the only way I can answer you in a meaningful way is here in actual posts (please forgive me in advance for replying to some, and not all of your comments – it would be overwhelming for me to even try, so I try to pick the ones from new members of our community, and urgent or frightening issues – and I want to bless you all from my heart for the brilliant help you’re giving each other.  If I take issue with anything you say, I’ll reply for sure – but so far – you’re all right on!)  – So, here’s my take on this scenario a lot of you seem to be struggling with :

He wants to be a friend, but when you see him and have sex with him it’s amazing, and so you can’t understand why he’s merely “friendly” when he leaves.

Here’s the answer: Men are different from women.

He can have a knock-out, deeply emotional sexual experience with you – sex that “blows-his-mind,” in a way you can FEEL.  A way that feels just like the deep emotional experience YOU’RE having.  But it’s NOT the same as what you’re feeling.

When we have an orgasm with a man – all kinds of things open up.  The hormone oxytocin floods us, and binds us to the man in a scientifically physical and emotional way.  Even if he’s a man we weren’t initially attracted to – having a great emotional and physical orgasm with him will bring us into the “falling in love” range.

A man doesn’t work that way. His hormones work completely differently. His GUT tells him who to love and who not to love, and love, for him, does not GROW from not-love.  Love does not grow from friendship for a man.  And love does not grow from mind-blowing sex.  Sex only ADDS TO what he already feels – it CAN’T get those feelings STARTED.

And once his “infatuation” or whatever he felt for you at first turns to “friendship” – that’s pretty much it.

However – a man who’s “in love” in the first place does NOT turn his feelings into “friendship.”  If he says he wants to be “friends” – then that’s very possibly the way he ALWAYS felt.

You can save yourself so much pain by NOT ASSUMING ANYTHING.  Just because it looks like love to you, and feels like love to you – it doesn’t mean it’s love to HIM.

So what’s the only way to know what he’s really and truly feeling?

Over time, he will insist on a commitment from you.  That’s pretty much it.

That means – you NEVER stop dating other men until that commitment is coming at you.  And I don’t mean the “girlfriend” commitment – because that’s NOTHING (unless you’re young and still in school).  I mean the MARRYING commitment.  I mean what HE thinks of as FOREVER.

And if, over time, that commitment is not automatically coming at you, then you have to TALK TO HIM.

The absolutely MOST APPEALING thing a woman can do is SPEAK.  And what I mean by that is that you are able to say out loud, in clear words, in a very straight-forward and simple way – exactly what it is you’re feeling, exactly what it is you want, exactly what it is you want him to do in bed, exactly what it is you DON’T want.

If you can “Speak In The Moment” – so that there are few misunderstandings, so he doesn’t have to guess what’s going on with you (because that’s nearly impossible for ANY man – they just don’t work that way), so he can feel relaxed around you and not wonder why you’re tense or cold or what you’re really feeling…you will build an UNBREAKABLE BOND with a man who ALREADY LOVES you!

The possibility of “Forever Love” has to be there for him (and it’s not something you can understand or figure out) before ANYTHING else can kick in.

He has to feel that deep down sense of ATTRACTION – and although you are in control of so much about attraction (any of you who have my Modern Siren program can talk about that, I know) – there are parts of attraction you can’t have any control of.

There are pheremones, and links to his mother and father, and the sound of your voice, and things about you that feel familiar to him and things that feel strange – it’s like a “stew” for him that he just feels in his GUT.

Without the “raw materials” of whatever it is that kicks in attraction for a man – there’s nothing you can do.

However – there’s a lot you CAN do AFTER THAT.  All you need is the initial attraction, to know that it’s there for him in a scientific and gut level for him, and you can create more and more attraction until his “infatuation” or “initial attraction” turns into the real thing for him.

So – when you “Speak In The Moment” – when you Talk To Him.  When you ask him where he’s at, listen to him, and then use that information to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF – that creates MORE and DEEPER attraction.

What he says is what you get.  Men don’t get all gooey and confused when they talk.  For the most part, they tell the truth.  They’re just not as good at NOT telling the truth as we are (unless he’s a deeply gifted Toxic Man with a smooth tongue).

So if he utters the words “I want to be your friend” – beware.  Any energy you spend trying to turn that into passion will look needy, clingy, desperate – and like you aren’t HEARING HIM.

He will feel unheard and unsafe – and he will also automatically assume that YOU are telling the truth.

If you say “okay” to “sex buddy” status – he’ll let you.

He’ll figure you know what you’re doing.

He’ll figure you’re doing what you want.

He’ll let you take responsibility for you.

So don’t get mad at him.  He’s telling you to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. And don’t be confused.

To a man: Friends can have sex.  Friends can have PASSIONATE sex.  Friends can hold hands and kiss. Friends can hang out every night of the week.  Friends can do everything together that LOOKS like “relationship” to us.  But it isn’t. It isn’t relationship.

Because one thing friends can’t have is ROMANCE.  You can’t make it up, or will it into being.

And another thing friends can’t have is commitment and marriage. Because no self-respecting man would be interested in doing that – no matter how your “relationship” looks to you.

Thank him, and KEEP DATING.

Let me know if this helps…Love, Rori

I’m not pretty enough. I’m not sexy enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not (fill in the blank) enough. I’m not enough. Sound familiar?

You may have read some of Tinque’s comments here, and some of her articles that I’ve posted.  Her real name is Dominique, and she’s a former client of mine who’s just leapt light years in her own personal story to the point where she’s an absolute expert in a very specific area – self-esteem and feeling that you’re “enough.”

And what’s remarkable about her story is that what started everything going for her – from despair to the amazing place she’s in now (you have to read more and talk to her to understand that she’s gone farther with herself and her man than most of us can even imagine) – is that she discovered, very suddenly and rudely, that her man had been looking at porn their entire relationship.

Where some women, perhaps even most, would let this go if all other aspects of the relationship were wonderful (which they were) – it completely destroyed Dominique’s sense of herself.

It was as though her entire world crumbled, and every trauma and fear in her body came to the surface all at once and threatened to demolish her.  So, every time she writes something that I think will help you, too (and if this is your issue, I really recommend you go to her blog at www.tinque.blogspot.com) – I want to share it with you.  Here’s what tinque looks like now, and here’s her article:

I’m not pretty enough. I’m not sexy enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not (fill in the blank) enough. I’m not enough. Sound familiar?

We all have at one time or another encountered this, more so those who as a child did not receive encouragement, support, or love. The voices can be loud, loud enough as to paralyze or certainly impede movement forward whether it be something as simple as a daily task or something as challenging as spiritual growth.

I’m here to tell you that the voices lie. They ALWAYS lie, and it is possible to quiet them. You CAN come to know and own that you are, have always been, and will always be enough, perfect just as you are. That’s not to say that there isn’t room to expand your horizons; there’s always a place for trying new things, blossoming bigger, learning to feel better, feel awesome even and most of the time.

How? It’s not so much in the doing though acting for yourself will play a role. It’s mostly about reprogramming destructive thought  patterns, rewiring neural connections so that you can transform yourself from a frightened being, for that is where all this not good enough stuff comes from, fear, to one of power and love. It’s also about your changing your feelings and opening your heart.

A good place to start is in the little things. It’s also being patient with yourself, and most importantly being gentle with yourself. Make a list of all the things you like about yourself even if only a little, from your physical attributes to your talents to your qualities as a human. Look at this list every day, more than once if necessary. Keep telling yourself that everything you wrote is true no matter how much that other lying part of you protests.

The more you say it, the more you will believe it.

Every time you pass a mirror, stop and give yourself a big smile. Focus only on the parts you do like if only a little. Ignore the rest for now, for truthfully others do not see you in bits anyway. What people see is you as a whole package, mind and spirit included.

Tell yourself you are beautiful, that you love yourself. You will come to believe yourself about this too. Make a list of all your wants. Write them as choices, as if they already are a reality, in feeling terms, eg. I choose to feel sexy, and I love feeling sexy, I choose to feel calm when my mother or whomever nags at me, and I love feeling calm. I choose to be well read, and I love to talk about what I’ve learned, and so on. If you can imagine it, you can create it.

Do at least one nice thing for yourself everyday, something that feels good, eg. a hot bubble bath with a glass of your favorite wine tubside or curling up with a good book or movie, whatever feels good to you. Be a devilishly bad girl, and have fun doing it.

If you ruffle a few feathers, so be it. It will feel so good being true to yourself rather than trying to please others, and you know what, you will find that others will respect you more, and they may very well feel more comfortable with you for being you, authentic. As long as you’re not physically harming anyone else, if it feels good then it’s good for you.

When the negative voices start to push their way in, gently push them away over and over again. In time they will give up,or at least fade to an almost indistinguishable whisper far in the background. Another parting suggestion is to feel whatever it is you feel, all of it, even if you perceive it as a bad feeling. That’s okay, for repressing or suppressing any feeling will only add to your feelings of not being enough, pain.

So allow all feelings to flow through you, for they will morph.

Observe them, feel them completely, and then let them go. Another feeling will arise. In time, little by little, baby step by baby step, you can and will feel better, about yourself, about life.
I’ve been there, fallen into the depths of the deepest abyss, in despair, full of “I’m just not enough in any way,” but there was a little glimmer of hope, so with this desire, a dash of determination, and a large dose of dedication, I healed.

I know now that I’m more than plenty, and I feel really, really good, loving, lovely, sensuous, goddess like. Sure I waver here and there and so may you, but know it will lessen to feeling like a ripple, not the tsunami it once was.

Sure it will feel scary, especially at first, but the fear does fade. It really, really does. You too can heal. You really, really can.

Note from me: Tinque’s blog is named Porn On His Computer, and I’ve convinced her to actually coach by phone around these issues – Porn and your man, and self-esteem. So,if these are your issues, go ahead and find her on her blog and call her, and let me know how she helps you.

I’m going to follow this up with some posts about the “I’m not enough for you, so it’s okay if you treat me badly” syndrome so many of us women have running our lives.

Love, Rori

Today…I just wanted to be MOTIVATIONAL!

There are going to be ups and downs, bouncing around, feelings going from good to bad to good again, and things will happen you don’t expect.

AND you will continually be moving forward ANYWAY!

This is the whole thing I want you to know, even if it feels weird – if you’re doing the Tools, if you’re HEADING for and FOLLOWING the GOOD feelings, you’re moving FORWARD.

The results will come just by doing the steps.  Stay focused on the step and the Tool you’re doing, keep your vision of what you want clear in your mind, in your heart, in your body, and let the results show up.  You’ll be amazed.

I love this newsletter – I look forward to it in my box every day, it’s from www.Tut.com – Mike Dooley, from the movie “The Secret” writes them as “Notes From The Universe.”  I loved this one today and wanted to put it into context of my philosophy and Tools and share it with you (I left in that it was written to me):

“Dear Rori,

If the following variables existed in a mathematical equation:

X = The end result in mind
Y = Manifestation
H = Hows (the cursed hows)
A = Action in the general direction of the end result

Please choose the equation that will make the most happen in your life, the fastest, with the least stress:

A. The End Result + Hows + Action = Manifestation
B. Manifestation + The End Result + Action = Hows
C. The End Result + Action = Hows + Manifestation
D. Action + Hows + Manifestation = The End Result
E. Eats Shoots + Leaves = Panda Energy

You may rest your hand,
The Universe

The answer was “C,” Rori, unless you’re a Panda. In plain English, if you have a dream and you physically move in its direction, I will arrange the hows, and the next thing you know… you and I will be bragging about your new unlimited spending account and perfect inner peace.”

So – this puts what we’re doing in a lovely and funny way – that there are only so many combinations of the pieces of how things come to be:  You can think about and dream about and visualize what you want (the “X”), you can take steps (Action), you can figure out “How” to make it all happen, and – the part where it becomes “real” and “happens” (Manifesting).

What Mike (the Universe) is saying here is that if you 1 – Visualize what you want, and 2 – take steps toward it, the HOW of it will suddenly make itself clear WITHOUT you even having to figure it out, and then – the RESULTS will just follow.

The really important part of this for me is that we get so hung up on the HOW of everything – we STOP ourselves.

We get all invested in “solving” our “problems” instead of focusing on our dreams and taking steps toward them.

I know it sounds weird – but the “Hows” really do get clear once you take small actions for yourself.  They really do.

Let me know how this is working for you in your life…Love, Rori