Have The Relationship You Want

My friend Keri Newell (you may have heard the interview she did with me in my Interview Series, and she’ll be appearing and doing live demonstrations on my new program about Circular Dating) is doing a one-time free teleclass tomorrow evening (Wednesday) at 5pm Pacific Time, 8pm Eastern (and wherever you may be in-between), called “Holiday Man-Catching Secrets Revealed!”

Keri’s very direct, down-to-earth and practical, and she’s going to tell you how the Holiday Season is one of the BEST times of year to connect with your soul mate – and I know you can use her Tools to bring the man you may already be in a relationship with closer to you for the Holidays.

Keri is all about the Masculine/Feminine energies we talk about here, and she’s a Flirting Expert for real, so she’s going to teach you her secret weapon…”The Magnetic Flirting Technique”.

It’s free, just go here to sign up (you’ll get her free newsletter, too, and let me know if it’s helpful to you) -  I really like Keri and will be posting some of her ideas here as we go along. (If you can’t make the call, sign up anyway, she’ll tape it and make it available to you.)

Here’s the link:

www.cantdatewithoutit.com/holidaymanhunting.html

Let me know how Keri helps you, and what you’d like her to cover and demonstrate “live” with real women in the audience on my new Circular Dating program.

Love, Rori

So – what do you say to him – especially if he says he “doesn’t want to date a woman who’s dating multiple men?”

Here’s a letter from Mary, who’s trying to get away from a “friends with benefits” situation:

“Rori, I have been reading your letters over the past few weeks and they have really helped me, but I still find myself not always saying or doing the right thing and I feel like I always go back to square one with my friend. I was in an “imaginary” relationship (as you say) with a friend (with benefits). He could never give me a clear reason on why he didn’t want to be in a relationship outside of he knew if just wouldn’t work.

I recently ended the benefits, however, I know it is only a matter of time before he tries me. I’m not sure how to say what I need to say. I definitely know that I don’t want to participate in that if we are not in a “real” relationship.

He also is always asking me if I am dating other people. I am not exclusively dating anyone, but I definitely circular date. My friends tell me to lie and say I am exclusively dating someone to make him jealous. He say he is only asking because he wants me to be happy, but when I tell him I am dating someone, he acts like he is glad I am getting out, but then gets upset.

Just recently he asked was I spending the holidays with someone who was interested in me. I was really vague in my answer and he got upset, but I feel it is none of his business especially if he is not asking me to spend the holidays with him.

I really like him, but I know I can’t waste time waiting for him to “want” to be with me. I would like to get your advice on how to handle this situation. 1)Responding in the right way on why I don’t want to share benefits with him anymore and 2) how to respond when he asks if I am dating someone, should I embellish the truth?

Thanks for the advice, Mary”

First – this won’t work: My friends tell me to lie and say I am exclusively dating someone to make him jealous.

Not telling the truth is the one thing my whole work is is telling you is the absolutely WRONG way to go.  If you can’t tell the truth – then you’re also lying to YOURSELF.

Truth-telling has to be one of your number one priorities.  Even if that truth is “I don’t want to talk about it. It doesn’t feel right to talk about it.”

Bottom line:  If you are a woman who has a history of getting hung up on men who do not work out – either they hurt you or they simply aren’t right – then the only way to learn HOW to attract and be with a man who will make you FEEL GOOD and HAPPY, and feel RIGHT for you is to Circular Date.  Simply going with a man who shows up is silly and pointless for you.  It completely takes away the whole concept that you have a CHOICE.

I don’t want you to simply “follow along” with any man who shows up who you’re attracted to and interested in.

I want you to date MANY man, and “follow” EACH of them – as a GIRL follows the lead of the BOY.

This way – you’ll find out who’s good for you and who isn’t – without investing time, energy, heart, and hope.

This particular man, Mary, doesn’t deserve an answer.  He’s NOTHING to you right now.  If he calls you up, and invites you to an event, or to dinner, and you say Yes, then you’re DATING HIM.  And – that’s okay (just don’t sleep with him).

If you’re dating him, you say to him “It feels good to be dating and keeping my options open.”  And don’t talk about it in ANY other way.  Just say, with a smile  “I don’t want to talk about my fabulous single dating life with you…I just want to enjoy being with you right now…”

There’s a comment here on the blog that on a first date with a man, he said “…he doesn’t want to date a woman who’s dating multiple men.”

Well – here’s what you say to that:  “Wow, that feels interesting.  How does that look?”

And then you let him explain his thoughts about it.

And then you say – “That feels really scary to me.”  He’ll ask “Why”

You say “It feels like going steady before you even know someone.  It feels like a lot of pressure.  How does that work?”

And then you listen to him.  See what he says.  Now you can have a conversation about what all this MEANS to each of you.  Unless he flat out asks you to “go steady” – NOTHING will happen until he DOES! You can give him the “no girlfriend” speech and see what he says.

I guarantee you this – no matter how afraid you are…NO MAN will stop dating you because you are Circular Dating.  Will not happen.  Period.  He may stop calling you and use your “multiple dates” as an EXCUSE, but it won’t be true.

He knows he has to ASK you to be his girlfriend, his lover, his wife.  He has to ASK.  He doesn’t just get a free ride to exclusivity.

The only thing you need to know is who you’re sleeping with and who you’re not sleeping with, and if you meet a man who tells you he doesn’t want to date a woman who’s “dating multiple men” – he probably means he doesn’t want you sleeping with anyone else. THAT’S something you can talk about. You can flat out ask him: “Are you talking about sex?”

I really want you to notice how EVERYTHING is an opportunity to talk.  It’s the scariest stuff you can talk about that makes the quickest, deepest heart connection.  Don’t be afraid to talk about how you FEEL.

Just remember this:  Talking about how you feel is NOT the same as talking about everything you’re doing.  No man gets to hear the details of your romantic life with anyone else – especially not your past.

Talk about the present – how things feel RIGHT NOW, and listen to him when he talks.

Let me know how this helps clarify things. Love, Rori

So many of you have told me that this Tool – Paint Yourself – has created a breakthrough for you. And so I wanted to reprint it here in case you’re new to me and aren’t getting my eLetters yet (be sure to sign up to get them, they’re free, and once they’ve gone out to your email box, they won’t appear again.)

If you’re feeling insecure and anxious right now in your relationship – like at any moment it could tip over and all the juice could run out of it…I totally understand and have some real help for you.

When this used to happen to me, when a man who seemed SO excited about me just sort of drifted away, I did the only thing I knew to do – I tried to make myself even more attractive to him.

And the more I tried – the sexier I made myself look and act, the nicer I was – and the more “reasonable” I was – it seemed to push him away even more.

I remember being shocked when a man who all my friends thought of as “beneath me” – who’d never had a serious relationship, who told me himself how amazed he was that I even “liked” him – all of a sudden one evening told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore.

He couldn’t explain – there were no reasons.

It was as though he were “opting out.”

And then – within the week – he wanted to be friends, made “friend” dates with me, came over to my apartment – and tried to have SEX with me!

I’d never been more confused in my life.

I clearly knew nothing about men then.

I had ATTRACTED him – but in only a PHYSICAL way.

In an emotional way, I’d repelled him.

It took me years and years to understand what that was all about (and to realize how lucky I was that he’d shown me his true colors so early in the relationship), and though I’m so glad that never worked out, I know now what I might have done and not done that would have made me FEEL so much better, and that would have turned the tables so I was the one with the choice, and not him.

I know now the difference between a man being attracted to us physically, and him “liking” us or “admiring” or “appreciating” us – and him “falling in love” with us.

Now I know and can share with you exactly how to create an irresistibly magnetic way of being with a man that connects with him in his heart.

My Modern Siren program is all about this kind of irresistibility – and here’s a small, new Tool that will help you get started on your way to drawing in every man you meet – including the one you may already be with.

The Tool is PAINT YOURSELF IN LOVE – and it sounds kind of fanciful, but it’s actually very practical.

Here’s what I was doing with this man that pushed him away, and what you’re likely doing that isn’t working for you:

I looked at him as a man I wanted and didn’t want to lose.

I looked at him as HOLDING something I wanted.

I looked at his face, his body, all of him – and I didn’t really see HIM – I only saw what it was I WANTED from him.

And so I moved, thought, acted, spoke and felt FAST.

It was as though every moment was a piece of my storybook idea of “relationship.”

I had decided that since he was “beneath me,” he was EASY.

I thought that I could have whatever I wanted from him, because that’s what he said, and that’s what my FRIENDS said.

But, truthfully, I didn’t believe it.

I felt lower than low on the totem pole of life and love – and I just felt LUCKY to have him around at all.

I was looking to him to make everything – including ME – Okay.

Now, I want you to look at your man – in your imagination – and experience how you feel when you look at him.  Imagine he’s WATCHING YOU, and he’s Leaning Forward to you.

Do you feel longing and pining?

Is it like a clenching in your heart, a sort of silent begging him to stop all his nonsense and just make everything Okay?

And can you feel your heart and your mind moving fast, trying to cut all the corners and just close the deal?

Just get it all squared away, finalized – OKAY?

Well, it’s this energy that pushes a man away.

And no matter how hard we try to keep it under control, it’s in our “vibe,” and he can feel it.

Even if it’s not strong enough to actually push him away – it will KEEP him away.

It will keep the relationship in a stuck place, where the ATTRACTION just isn’t strong enough to push him over the edge – into falling in love and feeling intensely devoted to you – forever.

Creating this kind of attraction is sort of magical.

It requires you getting out of that mindset where your man holds some kind of “keys” to your happiness – and putting the keys in your OWN hands.

And it requires an ATTENTION to DETAILS.

So – here’s where “Painting” comes in – try this:

1. Take a cup of water and go outside to a tree, or a bush, or a flower, or a statue.

2. Now – you’re going to use your fingers for a “brush” – so dip your finger into the water, and then “Paint” the tree, or the flower or statue or the leaf, with the water – very, very slowly and carefully – watching every single stroke you make, FEELING every single stroke you make, noticing every single tiny bit of the tree bark, or the flower petal, or the leaf.

Go so slowly that you feel like you’re going in slow motion – and make sure you’re AWARE of every second that passes – and that ALL your attention is on the water going onto the tree, the flower, the piece of fruit hanging from a branch.

Pretend the water is LOVE, and you’re painting this tree trunk, branch, fruit, flower, statue, with LOVE – literally.

3. Now, imagine your man is standing in front of you.

Put yourself in the Rori Raye Dance Position (to get walked through the Dance Position and how to use it everywhere, all the time so you’ll be an “Invitation” to your man, it’s in my Commitment Blueprint program):

…for now, LeanBack, open (“Unzipper”) your heart, arms down, palms out, focus on your pelvis, relax your shoulders, smile.

Imagine him just STANDING THERE, smiling at you.

Feel what you feel.

Now -

4. Go to a mirror and while you’re watching your reflection in the mirror, Paint Yourself.

Paint Yourself exactly the way you did the tree trunk or the flower or leaf or statue.

Touch yourself gently and lovingly, and experience each stroke as if it were magical.

Pay attention to what you see and what you feel.

Paint each hair, each tiny bit of your face, your shoulders, your whole naked body if you have the time.

If you have only a short bit of time (please do this Tool often)- really focus in on the detail of one small part of you – your eyelashes, your forehead…your shoulder…your mouth.

Keep breathing, keep Leaning Back, keep stroking yourself slowly, carefully – each tiny detail.

Pay attention to yourself – really get into this process of Painting Yourself With Love – moment by moment.

Now…

5. Imagine your man, or an imaginary man is standing next to you.

Imagine he’s watching you.

Let him watch you slowly and lovingly Paint Yourself With Love.

Imagine him standing there, smiling, leaning forward, and watching you Paint Yourself With Love – and imagine he is MESMERIZED (because he certainly would be if you were to Love Yourself like this in his presence in real life…)

Now…

6. Carry this image and this experience around with you EVERYWHERE.

Imagine yourself painting yourself WHEREVER you are – in the market, at the drugstore, in the restaurant – and EVERY MOMENT you’re with your man – and…this is important…

EVEN IF he’s not even looking at you.

EVEN IF he seems to be distracted.

EVEN IF you can feel yourself being jealous or upset or hurt by what he’s doing or not doing.

Imagine him WATCHING you Paint Yourself With Love, and imagine EVERYONE in the place ADMIRING
you for Painting Yourself.

Imagine everyone wanting to touch you and stroke you or take out a brush and Paint You With Love.

How does that FEEL?

What makes this Tool so powerful is that it’s so SPECIFIC.

It’s something you can imagine in great DETAIL, and that you can experience emotionally.

So – how will this make you more attractive to him on a deep, emotional level?

Because a man is NOT INTERESTED in experiencing you loving HIM.

He’s interested in experiencing you loving YOURSELF when HE’S loving YOU!

He’s completely captivated by a woman who is so trusting of him, so open to him, that she could
experience her deepest pleasure when she’s with him.

And this is what you want to do.

You will wrap him around your little finger, and activate your powerful Inner Siren if you can LOVE YOURSELF in HIS PRESENCE.

He will be “blown away,” and never, ever want to step away from you.

If you’d like to know how this works, and be walked through the most powerful Tools imaginable to make this happen for yourself – try out my Modern Siren program.

You ARE a Siren.  We’ve all just forgotten that we are, and we’ve been sold a lie that we are somehow “lucky” to be chosen by a man.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Even in a town where women outnumber men, as a Siren – you have absolutely NO COMPETITION at all.

Let me know how Painting Yourself With Love works – I love these kinds of Tools, and the moment I even begin to imagine Painting Myself, I can see the difference in my husband almost instantaneously.

I just go all soft and surrender to myself, and he just walks over to me and starts stroking me like I’m a magnet.

Let me know how it feels to be the magnet you truly already are…

Love, Rori

Here’s a comment-question from TW, and to show you how fast and amazingly you can catch on to all this and change your life, see how brilliantly here Alias Girl, Daria and JP answered! (You can see all the comments here->)

The question – from TW: “What exactly is circular dating and what purpose does it serve in trying to build a relationship with someone? If the shoe was on the other foot and he was the one pursuing me and then I saw him out with other females, I would kinda be offended and start dating other people myself because I would feel that he does not care.

Maybe I just do not understand what it is all about and what it is designed to do exactly. Would someone help me get a better understanding? I saw where Rori advised me to do it. I do not feel that anyone is wrong in suggesting it but I am simply saying that I do not understand it and need a little explanation. Please help!!”

Daria replied:

“TW, it does sound a little confusing put that way… I think one of the principles is that men and women are not alike in this respect and that having to win a woman over is what makes a man happy, while a woman should have many to choose from, that is why we are supposed to be the receivers and let him be the giver, instead of a 50/50.

The main point of circular dating, however, is that it is for YOU. It helps you focus on you, raises your self esteem, and even if you feel this is already high, it raises your flirtiness and vibe around men, because you feel easily adored and you feel like you deserve more and more, making it easier for them to go with this vibe and give you more.

The other personal use for it is as therapy. There are many parts of relating to men that we have issues with. We can deal with this safely in circular dating by practicing the tools, so that if we are later in a relationship we won’t freak out and lose the relationship because of our issues.

It sounds weird, and it’s not. I’m doing it and the men are pouring in. It’s mostly a way to get married too… I tell men I don’t want to be a girlfriend I want to be married and am not looking to be a girlfriend unless the relationship is moving that way. Then they start to think of marriage too and like me even more…”

Then JP said:

“Hi TW – I totally agree with Daria. I also know it is uncomfortable to contemplate when you are still attached to a man.

I’d just like to add that there is a route to circular dating which will build your confidence. The underlying point. as Daria says, is to make YOU feel good and have OPTIONS. So you could start by simply NOTICING men around – in the street, at work, in the supermarket etc. Make eye contact, smile, and notice them noticing YOU.

Use the tools on yourself too – the Paint Yourself tool is just great, and there are others such as Out The Window which are all about YOU. You have to TRAIN yourself AWAY from thinking about HIM when he’s not around. It gets easier with practice! Walk yourself THROUGH the uncomfortable feelings that come up if you’re not chasing him down. I know how tempting it is to text or call if he hasn’t, but he has made it clear he doesn’t see himself in a relationship, so you are entitled to see yourself as single.

Next – date YOURSELF. Sounds like you’re already getting out, so maybe try something different on your own. It’s easier for a man to approach you if you’re in a bookshop or an exhibition on your own, and there are other people around so you’ll be safe. You might even have men friends you could meet, even if you don’t see them as prospective husbands you can still have a nice time and feel attractive.

You will feel different, you’ll start enjoying yourself and you’ll be more relaxed when he calls.

I have men friends I have coffee with, or talk to on the phone. I’ve grown fond of them over time and don’t want to lose their friendship even though I’m in a relationship now. I still keep my head up and enjoy flirting.

I hope this helps! JP”

And you can see how it works for Alias Girl here, too - (and, Alias Girl – with your permission I’m going to use your comment in my new Circular Dating program – it was very personal and very powerful, thank you.)

Let me know how Circular Dating is working for you, and if you’re just finding this blog now, you’ll get so much help here – from me and and what is truly a community of ministering angels – and we’re all working the Rori Raye Tools straight to our dreams.

Love, Rori