Have The Relationship You Want

Ever stood in your living room, in your kitchen, looked at your man, or your empty “dance card” of fun things you’d like to do and wish you’d done, felt the disappointment well up in you and the words come into your brain “How’d I get here?”

I don’t think there’s one of us that hasn’t felt like that, and doesn’t still feel like that. Perhaps only sometimes, and perhaps all the time.

If you’re spiritual-minded, you may have tried telling yourself “This is what was supposed to happen, these are the lessons I was supposed to learn, this is what God had in mind for me so that I could get stronger and have a meaningful life where I could serve others.”

Nothing wrong about that.  It might feel good and help, and it might be true.

If you tend to anxiety or depression (two sides of the same coin – they’re like a lid over the soup of your feelings, shaking and bubbling but trying to stay on no matter what), you may go to “If Only…”

You might blame yourself, or blame circumstance, or blame a man.

I’d like you to avoid this route.

If you’re action-oriented and yet want to go with your Feminine Energy – you might do my new Power & Self Esteem Tools of Stating Problems, Flipping them to Wants, Riffing, Tracking Sensations, and Channeling your way through the feelings, and then accept, love and take your feelings and the Nasty Voice, too, and go out for a run, or work on a project, or make a date – something on your action list.

This is, of course – what I’d like you to do.

Now – let’s add this to the mix -

Let’s say you’re standing there and feel attacked by disappointment and the “If Onlies.”  Your brain instantly tells you to”label” your situation into a “problem” – to “assess” your situation, to go backward in time to “figure out” how you “got here.”

In that moment, I want you to notice that what you’re mentally doing is trying to create a “do-over.”  You’re trying to redo the past and make it all better.  Only, you look around, and no matter how hard you try – in reality you’re still standing in the same place.

You can, however, emotionally create a “do-over” – just as a learning and practice experience. You can write down what happened before, do a translation of the way it went, create Feeling Messages, make it end the way you want, master the experience by Being in touch with your feelings this time.

And I don’t want you to go there, either.

I know – it sounds healthy, it sounds like good practice.  And when we get Triggered – it’s going to happen. But, look – we could easily spend our entire lives “re-doing” old circumstances. So, there’s a better way.

1. When you hear yourself going to “If Only…” and then trying to re-do old circumstances, or put them in perspective, or talk yourself in or out of anything – STOP.

2.  Instead of giving your disappointment wings to explore the past – STOP.

3.  Instead of saying “This is the way it’s supposed to be…” or “I was so stupid then, this is how it turned out…” or “Oh, if only I’d…” – STOP.

4.  Now, say LOUD AND CLEAR – actually OUT LOUD if you can – This is What Is.  This is The Way It Is In This Moment.

5.  Now I want you to put your arms around yourself and hug yourself – HARD.

6.  Whatever you feel, let yourself feel it, and if your mind comes up with images or words to describe what you’re feeling or WHY you’re feeling it – now’s the time to start the Power & Self Esteem Tools (make sure to start from Post #1) going.

7.  When you hear a problem in your mind or heart, FLIP it with passion. Then Riff and accept and love and feel and channel until you find yourself in motion, doing something you love, doing something that feels good – even if it’s a do-nothing thing – like lying in a bath, or taking a nap, or watching a movie on TV.

This new Tool of Loving and Accepting what’s IN FRONT of you as the ONLY real, true thing in this moment will help you to get used to seeing ONLY what is in front of you.  ONLY this moment in time.

This way, when you DO get triggered, and past moments come up, you can always ground yourself in WHAT ACTUALLY IS.  You can get your mind and heart and body USED to seeing things this way.

I’ll be practicing with you today.  Feelings come from everywhere – from past, present, future.  From habit and from our primitive, survivalist brain. From our nervous system and all our senses.  They are not to be controlled – only felt and used to fulfill us and to fuel us.

But in order for all this to work the best for us – we must LIVE from What Is Right In Front Of Us. Don’t let your feelings take you back into an old reality, an old moment. Just let them take you to more feelings.

Try this and let me know what happens for you.  Love, Rori

Andrea is suffering with the fact that her ex seems to be showing up everywhere in her life – just as she’s trying to make huge changes… (here’s the whole series of comments, back and forth, from Andrea and JP)->

“Rori, I feel like there is a force trying to connect us. For example, I am looking for a new place to live. I took a new job where I now have an awful commute. If I don’t move I will be burned out by the commute. I want to move closer to the city so that I can meet new people and change jobs should I chose to. I don’t know the area well. I do know that by ex works somewhere in the 25-50 mile radius. Based on the information he had provided when we were together I put two and two together today.

I went to look at some places today. I finally found a place I liked but before I got there I put the pieces together and I am 99% sure that the place I like is less than a half mile from his work site. Most of his job is outdoors and its fairly probable that he would see me and he would see me possibley on a daily basis. So I had to think, do I give up this place that I love so that I’m not sick to my stomach everyday and so that he doesn’t think I’m stalking him or do I take it.

Its really not fair. I feel like I can’t get away from him. I want to be in this area but it reminds me of him without having any memories together with him. I feel like I’m doing more living but feel that something is drawing us together or is connecting us. I wish I knew.

There was yet another small reminder on the tv this morning. Another small coincidence. Too insignificant for others to understand but another painful reminder the minute I wake and turn on the TV.

I’m trying to let go, yet these reminders make it hard to forget. It is painful. It’s confusing. It’s holding me back when I was progressing forward.

I believe that something bigger is creating these connections but I don’t understand what it’s all for. I’d like to believe that it has meaning; that it’s for my good, but I don’t know how to turn it to my good. I’m hoping Rori can help me with that.

Its frustrating to think that my energy could be going out to him like this and creating these experiences. I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want to believe that, but the thought has come across my mind. I want to believe that its all for my good and that there is a meaning and a purpose. However because I don’t understand it, it’s painful. I hope to understand it soon. Andrea”

And here’s my answer:

Andrea, This is always how it goes.  I can tell you so many stories – my own and my clients’ -  your mouth will fall open.  I can tell you about a man I’d left after 7 years of constant emotional and physical rejection who I then ran into for 3 consecutive days – in places neither he nor I had ever been before.

I come from a life in the Entertainment industry – where you are always seeing your exes – over and over again – sometimes you’re in the same band, sometimes on the same show, sometimes in the same play – always at the same audition.  And it always seems “on purpose.”

I can tell you the story of one commercial audition I went to when I was an actress, when, after hundreds of auditionees, it came down to 4 of us, two men and two women to play husband and wife – and one of the men had dumped me (after a passionate 2 months) just the week before.

I was paired with him in the audition and had to perform to get this huge commercial – even though I was feeling so many things I could barely stand up, much less talk and be perky and funny. The producer loved me so much, he could see the distress on my face – he asked me what was wrong and I told him the truth, and he hired the guy who was NOT my ex (even though that guy was way too tall for me).

Things happen.

Here’s the attitude I believe:

This is the way it’s supposed to happen.  It’s happening because this is how it’s going to get you healed the fastest.  I don’t know how it’s going to work – but this is how it works.

Instead of judging that you are doing something WRONG that’s keeping this guy connected to you – try to find a POSITIVE spin on the whole thing.  What if HE’S feeling so connected to you – perhaps because YOU’RE so WONDERFUL! – that it’s pulling you in?  What if you just have a lot to still learn here?  What if he’s meant to be your MUSE in some way?

No one said this kind of thing is without pain.  The pain is yours to work with and go through – and in a way – to experience the PROFOUNDNESS of this kind of pain.  You are clearly very sensitive.  And this is a marvelous thing.

You are an artist – the artist of your life. You want to go deeper and wider and expand in ways you’ve likely not even thought about. Just see this through, following your intuition and your feelings, and walk into the unknown of this job and this move, and why this “ex” is still in your physical space.

Let’s just see what happens.  Instead of fighting it – see if you can find the signs that will move you in different emotional and physical directions.

In moving to this CITY – you will find TONS of men – and your ex will just fade into one of them (this is how most of us live our lives, surrounded in some ways by our exes).  Perhaps this is a GREAT thing!  You have no way of knowing from here.

When you meet an new, incredible man, this man you are suffering over now will be part of the tapestry of your life.

Perhaps you’ll meet someone or get an incredible job offer that will take you to ANOTHER city. Don’t judge by the pain.  Judge by how things feel as you go along, and don’t worry about making a weird step.  You can adjust as you go along.

It’s all an experiment.  Just keep moving forward for yourself.  Don’t let anyone or anything hold you back from taking care of yourself and getting your dreams fulfilled.  Perhaps this is all about not letting anything OLD stand in your way!

Love, Rori

My next program will be about Circular Dating – What it is, Why it works no matter what situation you’re in (even if you’re married, with some adjustments), and exactly How to do it in all kinds of situations.

Would you let me know what you’d like me cover?  I’m going to use many scenarios and situations, and give you specifics – words, body language, Tools – for each, so let me know your questions here.

Thank you, Rori

Yaaay!  The election’s over, and it feels like things are moving in an orderly, methodical, well-thought out and yet passionate way.

However you voted, I hope you will now gather the entire world together in your mind and heart as a peaceful world – accepting and loving all the pieces of it that are painful and disturbing – just as I ask you to love and accept all the pieces of yourself that feel painful and disturbing – so we can, starting with creating peacefulness and beauty and bounty within and around ourselves, gather all of ourselves together to create peacefulness, beauty and bounty for the world.

Change is always scary – and regardless of the change brought about by electing our new President, change is happening all around us anyway. Fast change. Change in reality, change in perception.

Let’s use this time to embrace change in ourselves and our personal lives. As you use the Tools, you’ll experience yourself in a new place nearly all the time.  At the end of one month you won’t remember what it was like when you started.  The more you practice, the more things will change, and the less you’ll remember of what it used to be like for you.

Don’t let anyone tell you things “take time.”  Don’t let anyone tell you to tolerate “circumstances.”  Don’t let anyone slow you down.  And don’t let fear be your guiding star.

If you love and embrace your fear, your anger, your time, your circumstances, and your situation, and if you honor yourself and are always gentle with yourself, you can create change that will be guided by your dreams.

Yes we can. Yes you can.

Love, Rori