Have The Relationship You Want

If you’ve ever felt “hung up” on any and every man you slept with – even though you KNEW he was a lost cause, even though you KNEW he wouldn’t call again, that he wasn’t marriage material, and that your heart would hurt very quickly – here’s some thoughts, jumped off of a comment by Tallulah – Here’s a line from it:

I swear I have ‘fallen in love’ with EVERY man I have slept with

Amazingly, just like everything else – we can “train” ourselves to have a lighter attitude about sex.  The question is – do we really want to? AND…can we hold off just enough, if we’ve got the Tools and the Diva thing down, so that HE’S caught up with us emotionally by the time we have sex?

That’s what I did with my husband – and yet, I had sex with the two men before him who I was actually able – because I was Circular Dating – to NOT get “hung up” on, even though I “fell in love” with them. One after the other.

I was able to see that my “falling in love” was just an old, triggered feeling that felt good – but that it wasn’t going to work in the long term.  I was simply able to put my long term desires FIRST – and that gave me a perspective on everything.

With that perspective, I could handle sex.  I was even prepared to ditch my husband after waiting 4 months, then having great sex with him.  I was determined to serve myself in the highest way – and I wasn’t going to let a little thing like my personal issues with sex get in my way.

We have to choose.  Are we going to let our mistakes and our off-track wanderings derail us permanently?  Or are we going to take what we can – the enjoyment, the pleasure, even the pain from every experiment and experience we choose or have ever chosen to have – and GET BACK and STAY on the track to our Happy Ever After?

Just because we fall off our Horse doesn’t mean we can’t get right back on again.  The Horse knows the way, and she is ready and able and thrilled to take us where we want to go.

So don’t worry about your past, and don’t even worry about your present, or how many more men you may get sidetracked by.

Just get back on the Horse as QUICKLY as possible and don’t spend time reliving and regretting ANYTHING.

In the end, as you get older and older – all those mistakes actually seem like experiences you’re GLAD you had.

Once you’re settled with a man – you can’t be wild and crazy and stupid and messed up and – completely free with some other man.  Take your life for the joy it is.

Just get your priorities straight, map out your route, point your Horse – and GALLOP into your future NO MATTER WHAT.

You can do this.  Missteps are not tragedies.  Sleeping with a man and regretting it is not a step all the way back to “start” on the gameboard of your love life.  And you CAN learn to shift all of these responses.  You can try new things.  You can learn.

If I did – I KNOW YOU can!

Love to you, and Happy New Years!  What ever you do, love it.  And wherever you are, and however you feel – love yourself HARD, give yourself a big hug for me – and I’ll be thinking about you into next year!

Love, Rori

Sometimes, when I look back, I’m just amazed at how naive and “stupid” I was about men.  How I humiliated myself, chased after them, pined after them, and thought that was the way relationships went.

And so when I get a letter that makes my face red, and makes me want to stomp around, I know it’s touched me personally – perhaps Diana’s letter will touch you, also , and we can really work with it:

“Dear Rori, So,  I Just slept with a guy and now he is distant. Ok, yes I know the drill, but I need more advice. Ok here’s the story.

I went to a holiday party for some friends and I was the bartender. I have been out of the dating scene awhile and have been lonely for a year now. I was in a very bad relationship a couple years before. Well when I arrived at the party, a close friend to my friend asked about me and asked her to casually introduce me to him.

Now keep in mind, since I was the bartender no one started drinking until after I got there. So he kept coming to the bar and asking for a drink. My friend later told me that he was doing this as an excuse to talk to me. So I took a break from bar tending and my friend finally formally introduced him to me.

We started talking and of course as the night progressed he got more intoxicated and of course let feelings loose. He would talk about his family and things he did with every now and then telling me how beautiful I am (I am aware that a lot of guys use this to get into a girl’s pants) but he seemed very genuine plus he was interested in me before he started to drink.

Then as the night went on we started getting really into each other and began to kiss. We continued to talk and it got a little more intimate. I Stopped and said I really want this but I know you are drunk and I don’t want this to affect how you feel about me or judge my character based on if I go home with you tonight, but I explained my situation to him. He said that he knows he is buzzed but he knows exactly what he is doing and what he wants…he even said he was sober when I walked in the door and he thought to himself ” Oh My, this woman is gorgeous I want to know her more” and that’s when he ran to my friend.

So yes I made the mistake of sleeping with him, although I do not feel regret or sorry that I did because it felt good, but I am just disappointed that the next day he did that cliche thing a lot of men do and didn’t call even though he gave me his number and took mine. I texted him to see  how he was feeling and I noticed his texts were very short and cold. I had a feeling what this meant so I told him that I didn’t act myself that night and I didn’t want him to think I was like that (I stated that at the party as well) he responded by saying “don’t worry about it, I was not exactly controlling myself either.”

So I said ok well I was just trying to make that clear as well as ask if you wanted to hang out next weekend. He asked the date and I told him and he said he had something to do ( I intercepted this as bull?) so I said oh ok I understand, all I wanted was to see if you wanted to get to know each other better since he was so intoxicated that night and I’m not sure what he is looking for if it was a night of fun or what. He said sure maybe after the holidays and he said that he didn’t know what he was looking for  but ” we can figure that out later.”

Now I’m stuck with these feelings I don’t want. He doesn’t text or call or nothing but he accepted my friendship on a social network. H also does respond to my texts when I text him. I stopped texting him a couple days ago. I have not sent much texts just the ones I have mentioned. I just don’t know what he is thinking or what I should do, he really seemed like a nice person.

Oh and another thing, mutual friends have told me he is pretty shy around people he doesn’t know well. He also told me that he is insecure around very good looking women (when he was talking about relationships when he was drunk at the party). Please help me, I’ve had enough pain in my life and loneliness, I really like him. Thanks, Diana”

Here’s my answer:

At first, my reaction was “This is a joke letter.”  I simply didn’t want to believe that any of us women could have this all so wrong – and then I realized that we ALL have this so wrong!  Yes, we do!

At the bottom of Diana’s question is this – her belief that the entire problem here is that by sleeping with this man right off, she made him think she was “easy.”  And so everything she’s thought, said or done is about correcting this impression of her she thinks he got, and someone convincing him that she’s “not like that at all.”

I seems obvious (but it’s not, really, not when you’re in the middle of it) – we cannot convince any man of anything simply by telling him his first impression is not so.  Diana could show him her whole family album and tell him about every date she’s ever had and every time she’s ever slept with a man, and it wouldn’t change anything he FEELS about her – it would just – and here’s EXACTLY what’s happening -

-it would just make him think she’s a pitiful, needy, weak, nearly crazy woman with low-self esteem, no confidence, and a lack of any kind of understanding of men and sex or anything – who’s CHASING him – and in Diana’s case – almost to the point of stalking him.

Of COURSE he’s answering her texts – she’s intimidating him.  She’s frightening him, and making him feel unsafe. He may be AFRAID that she’s crazy.

Now, you say – how can this be?  Diana is a nice woman who had SEX with him, for goodness sakes – he owes her at least some conversation…surely he KNOWS if he sleeps with a woman he owes her something…

And that is completely untrue (at least in our American and European cultures – if your culture is different, please let me know).  When we have sex with a man, we are doing it out of our own free will, and for our own reasons.  And if our reasons are NOT GOOD FOR US – that’s still OUR responsibility.

On top of which, this man was drunk, and so Diana was not even having sex with a fully conscious, alive person.

Diana – this is not about a “drill.”  This is not about some “rules.”  This is about simple, basic common sense, and building your self-esteem so that you never, ever again go anywhere or do anything with a man unless you’re absolutely sure you’re absolutely OKAY even if he NEVER calls again.

Even though I’m being tough on you here, my heart goes out to you – because it is SO painful to hear about you treating yourself so badly.  Sleeping with him was not the problem.  It’s totally okay for you to have sex with a  man if you feel like it.  Even a drunk one.  But that makes him a “boy toy” for the night – not someone you follow up with, call, and try to turn into something more.

What happens after sex is STILL all up to HIM.  Otherwise, the very first rule of all my work is not happening – and that is that ANY man you spend ANY time with HAS to be sending his energy to YOU, and not sucking YOURS up.

If he’s not calling – then he’s not worth your call.  Period.  Certainly not a call in which you ask him “how he is.”

I hope you’ll find this post, make some comments and let the wonderful women on this blog help you…I also recommend my “Reconnect Your Relationship” and “Toxic Men” programs for you (after the ebook) so you can begin to understand how all this is playing out in your life, and how you can turn it around, quickly, by using and practicing my Tools in the action of “Circular Dating” and get the kind of relationship with the kind of man you truly want.

Love, Rori

If you’ve ever felt torn in two directions with a man, and you’re struggling with following your heart or your own Boundary “Rules” – here’s a letter from Hannah we can work with:

“Hi Rori, I am reading the ebook and doing the writing exercises. I already feel better. I decided that clenching my fists and attempting to hold on to “him” really makes me feel powerLESS. Today, I practiced holding myself “open” with hands, heart, pelvis—I even attempted to flirt and be open to all men. And, I have to say, that for the most part, I really enjoyed the experiment. I was smiling to myself all day. It was indeed an eye opener–I never realized how really closed off I must appear in the world.

Great info!! As you remember, my boyfriend lives in Santa Barbara, and I live in Los Angeles. As we discussed, I am going down this weekend because I had already committed. Now–as for the future weekends, you and I discussed saying things like: “Oh, I am so disappointed…I hadn’t heard from you and I already made plans with my girlfriends, etc.” BUT, BUT, BUT—what do I do/say in the event that he asks me this weekend, or really early on in the week about the following weekend?

What if he says, “Are you coming down next weekend?” Should I just have some activities booked far enough in advance to give myself the excuse to be able to say I have other plans? The truth is that I am less willing to make the drive since he says he might be leery about making a commitment…but, I don’t tell him that do I? Should I be noncommittal and say something like…’I don’t know what my plans are but, it might feel good to have a relaxing weekend at home in LA.’? Thanks, Rori!! Hannah”

Here was my original answer to Hannah -

“Brava! You’re doing fantastic. Here’s your answer, in your own words… ‘The truth is that I am less willing to make the drive since he says he might be leery about making a commitment…’

You tell him the truth. ‘I don’t feel very comfortable coming to you all the time. It feels like I’m chasing you, and it doesn’t feel good.’

This is the TRUTH. And, you’re being open and vulnerable.

Absolutely NO making things up, no games, no strategy. The truth, in feeling messages. NOT THIS: ‘Should I be noncommittal and say something like…I don’t know what my plans are but, it might feel good to have a relaxing weekend at home in LA.’ Love, Rori”

Here’s the deal on all this for all of us – this is all about basically telling the TRUTH to a man.

We have only 2 scenarios, here: One – we know the Truth, exactly how we feel and what we want, but we’re afraid to communicate that, so we’re desperately trying to find “a way in” to the conversation.

We’re trying to find a “way” to say the Truth – or – we’re trying to find a way to say some of the truth – which most often turns into choosing an old pathway we’ve used over and over again that never has worked – the not-truth.

And Two – we DON’T know the Truth.  We actually don’t know what we want.  We’re pulled in two -sometimes many – directions.

Like Hannah, we want to go and we want to not go.  Sometimes I even have difficulty deciding if I want to go to a movie, or if I want to stay home and veg on the couch or play cards.

When I’m under the weather, I want to do things, but I want to stay in bed. I can actually feel the war going on inside me from my different impulses. I want to write, I want to clean the kitchen, I want to eat, I want to smile at my daughter and listen to her, and I want to curl up with my husband – all at the same time.

I have to CHOOSE. But still – and this is important – all these impulses are the TRUTH.

And saying the Truth to anyone would be to say – “I’m feeling confused.  I want to do ten things all at once.  I haven’t settled down enough to choose one, or put them in some sort of order of “liking to do.”

And so, my path is simple – I must settle down into myself, really imagine all my options, and FEEL which one feels best at this very moment.  I must PRACTICE CHOOSING from many truths.  I must practice listening to my deepest self, my intuition, my gut level feelings.  AND – I must make this process FUN by using my favorite Tools for this situation.

I know – and if you settle down into yourself and imagine – you know too, many, many times when you had many things you wanted to do and not do, where ONE THING just jumped out at you, and you KNEW what it was you wanted to do.

Only, you may have second-guessed yourself, or tried to talk yourself out of it, or made an intellectual, rational argument for another choice, or went with what someone ELSE wanted and decided it was what YOU wanted to do, too.

And still – no matter WHAT you choose – some of that would be the TRUTH.  “I wanted to go to see that movie now because I knew YOU wanted to see that movie now, and it felt good to make you happy.”  That’s the Truth. “I really want to see that movie now” is NOT the Truth. (There may be a movie you feel okay about seeing “sometime” – but that doesn’t make it the thing you want to do right NOW.)

See where we’re going here?

So – start with the Truth.  Get into yourself, listen to all your conflicting voices, and FEEL what it is that’s the truth for you at this moment.  Practicing this will make EVERYTHING so much EASIER for you…and will get you AMAZING results with a man.

When you have the challenge of speaking to a man about something you’re torn about, or that’s emotionally loaded, or you have to make a decision, like Hannah – don’t worry about the outcome.  The outcome isn’t under your control.  Just focus your energy on FEELING what it is that’s the TRUTH for YOU about this.

Even if there are MANY Truths – just write them all down. Then feel your way through each option, and see if you can FEEL which one is the MOST true for you at the moment, the one that most sings in your heart, where you can feel your body RELAX and breathe. (That’s often the clearest sign we can get that we’ve hit on the truth for us for the moment – we FEEL released inside.)

And practice, moment by moment, saying the Truth, DOING what feels Truthful, and letting the outcome work out by itself. I can promise you that what you choose, and how things unfold in the short term are not important – what will work for you with a man in the LONG TERM is the VIBE you create around yourself when you listen to yourself and speak the Truth.

When you do this, you open up a way of communication with a man that THRILLS him. It creates INSTANT CONNECTION – and the longer you do it, the deeper the connection becomes. So – work for the Truth, and let me know your experiences. Love, Rori

The Holidays are slipping away from me. I’m buzzing, speeding, moving faster than sound waves. Brain on overdrive, pedal to the metal. It’s Hanukkah. It’s Christmas. It’s Kwanzaa. It’s New Year’s. All at once.

I see my entire life in rewind. My whole life crammed into two weeks. I remember my childhood and the Hanukkah candles, my single years with the Hanukkah candles and the Christmas tree because I thought it was pretty and festive and fun, Christmas in New York with a potted plant. Then married years of collecting ornaments and my daughter throwing icicles around the room.

Years ago, we gave up the tree lot Christmas tree because of allergies, then we gave up the living Christmas tree because of the same allergies, then we gave up the fake tree (which I really loved – the whole thing was one big decoration), and this year I forgot to buy Hanukkah candles.

The parties are like networking meetings. Everyone has business cards. Even family get-togethers feel like replays, like obligations, like the children are all leaving home and this is the only way we can see them.

Some of us are giddy. Some of us are blue. Some of us are lifted up by whose birthday and whose steadfastness we’re celebrating. Some of us are tired. I’m just, well, feeling.

It’s hard to be or feel any one thing in the middle of all this celebrating, cooking, cleaning, putting off work, missing appointments, going out of town, caring for and being visitors and houseguests. It’s hard to be any one thing or feel any one thing ever.

To me, this whirlwind of tradition, ritual, repetition, counting of years, remembering where we were at that Christmas, that Hanukkah, that Kwanzaa is a swirl of emotion that ties me to my past, propels me into my future, and makes me stand right here, right now, awestruck, watching the air fly past my eyes.

And it makes me love myself and all people just a little more – because I can’t cling to the past or dream about the future or pretend to not be here. It’s like a vortex. It’s past, present and future – the same for everyone.

We’re all connected here – not by religion or tradition or even the start of yet another year, but by the fact that we’re all tied to this season of both celebrating and lamenting everything all these things bring to the surface for us to feel. All at once.

In any given moment, there are infinite possibilities of feeling. Turn to your desk. All those things sitting on it. Look at them. Touch one at a time. Doesn’t each have a different feel, a different memory?

I look at the picture of my dog, Popcorn, who passed away four years ago, and still feel a wave of sadness and regret for what I didn’t do for her, and then my new dog, Hazel, three years old, touches my shoe with her face, and a wave of delight goes through me.

The rubber band on the desk reminds me of something old, and it feels like something fun, and the air smells like flowers, and it’s cold in here. All at once.

Feelings morph. They’re liquid. They can go from unbearably bereft grief to stunningly tingly pleasure in less than the blink of an eye. We don’t have to stay in our dungeons of loneliness or our prisons of pain, or our clouds of infatuation.

We can move through it all, cycle through it, round in a circle or up and down or side to side, and swim in the Soup of our own emotions, our own soul’s treasure chest.

If you’re feeling blue, it’s not who you are. It’s just the way you feel right now. It’s okay to look at the cat with love in the middle of feeling grief. It’s okay to cry and then laugh, to look at a page from the news in disbelief and dread, and then laugh over the movie section.

This is what we do best, us humans. We feel.

What it is about the Holidays, for me, is that it’s a season of contradiction, confusion, old and new, real and fake, love and emptiness. It’s happy. We’re up. We’re celebrating. It’s sad, we’re down, we’re blue. It lights up the choice we get to make at every moment.

If we have “Happy Holidays” and “The Holiday Blues,” if we give to those less fortunate and feel unfortunate, if we give and try to remember how to receive, if I am exhilarated and at the same time terrified, which do I choose to believe? What do I focus on?

People who are heroic seem to absolutely get, and try to teach us, that there is joy in life, and that, even in the most desperate of moments, it’s good to focus on the joy even while you’re experiencing the pain.

So, while you focus on joy, remember what you remember and see what you see and feel what you feel about pain. While you focus on peace, remember and see and feel what you experience as chaos. While you focus on love, don’t avoid anything you feel, even if it’s fear.

Travel across the landscape of your life focusing on what feels good – peace and love and joy – and know that, even though pain and chaos and fear are always along for the ride, you can ride with them without getting stuck in them.

It’s the Holidays. Touch things, touch people, be human, receive love, and give love to yourself.

Every moment is a new memory. Whatever yours are, they’re yours to focus on, to remember or forget, to live for or with or through, to keep or toss, to stay mired in or use to jump into something wonderful.

Whatever you choose at any given moment, I wish you love, happiness and a whole lot of fun.

Love, Rori

I wrote this last year, and it still feels true to me – all my love and warm wishes to you all – and let me know how Hanukkah, Christmas and Kwanzaa went for you this year…Love, Rori