Have The Relationship You Want

Here’s a heartbreaking letter from Leslie, who’s suffering the surprise and sudden end of her 6 year relationship:

“Rori, I thought I was in a wonderful relationship with a man I have been with off and on for 6 years. He had given my an engagement ring and we planned to get married next June. We just had a HUGE blow-up and he called it all off.

He says he has “tried” and just doesn’t feel “chemistry” with me and never has. I have been “fooled” by his frequent calls, e-cards, trips to see him, and him telling me he loves me. I love him and felt “chemistry.”

Why couldn’t I see through it all? I am hurting and I want to be strong, but it’s hard. I am a “nice” person, probably too nice. I can see that I have done lots wrong. I was living my dream, not his. Why did he deceive me? Also, what can I do about not drowning in my sorrow? I can’t meet men and I do not want to get on a dating service and meet men who just aren’t interested in a real relationship. I am going to study your e-book now. Thanks, Leslie”

Here’s my answer:

This is a situation so many women have found themselves in – with a man for so long, finally getting the engagement ring and the wedding date, and then having it called off with the reason – “I never felt it for you.”

And Leslie is asking herself every minute of every day why she didn’t see it coming, and what she could possibly have done to cause him “not to feel it for her.”

I can’t know what’s going on in her man’s mind – so I’m going to guess – He didn’t marry her after a year in the relationship because he “wasn’t sure” – and then he just thought she was the greatest – “nice,” good to him, sexy, and so he didn’t want to let her go.  So he held on.  For 6 years.  Until, finally, he couldn’t say no to her anymore, so he signed up for marriage.

Then – a fight gave him the excuse he needed, and although he didn’t want to let her go, he made the choice to do so rather than marry her.

And – though it’s hard to know what kind of Red Flags he might have been waving during the 6 years  (the number one Red Flag being taking him so long to ask her to marry him) – it might have been IMPOSSIBLE for Linda to see them, because the level of emotional connection cannot have been deep enough for her to FEEL it.

The first question to ask is about the “big blowup.” If continual “blowups” are the main way anger gets resolved in your relationship – then your communication is not helping you.

No matter how bad a “fight” is, though – it would never break a relationship unless it was already nearly over.

And attempting to “avoid” fights by always deferring to him, or stuffing your feelings, or never, ever speaking up on your own behalf – will push a man away even FASTER than a fight will.

The way to go here, and what you can learn, Leslie, by – yes – DATING men (even men who aren’t serious about a relationship so that you can PRACTICE working with my Tools with them), is how to EXPRESS your anger, fear, distress, upset and pain in an emotional way that will actually BRING a man CLOSER – instead of making him want to run away.

Learning how to communicate in this way ALL the time will absolutely INSURE that your relationship will get deeper and stronger instead of just fizzle out the way yours did.

My heart goes out to you – and I hope you will start dating, just for the experience, and let me know how you’re doing.

Love, Rori

Here’s a letter from Rachel, and It’s so universal, I’m going to write a lot about the issue of “Confidence.”:

“Rori, Here’s my situation, I have been single for about a year, and can’t figure out why.  I’m quite attractive and at times confident (if I’m not interested in a man), but as soon as a man possibly suggests he may like me, and I like him back, it all changes. I concentrate so hard on thinking about being with this person, thinking about whether he likes me or not, and put so much thought (not practice, I rarely approach men I like, I think they will reject me maybe) into the future!

I’m attractive to look at, but sometimes find it hard to connect, I think?!
I understand confidence has a lot to do with things, but if I’m not confident in the moment, surely a man should make the move and accept you for who you are, if he likes you?  Thanks, Rachel.”

Here’s my answer:

I don’t think there’s a single one of us who feels more comfortable, confident and easy-going with a man we LIKE than with a man we DON’T like.

And “confidence” looks like many things.

We think confidence looks like “cool.”  And “poised.”  And “together.”

But confidence is simply being “comfortable in our own skins.”

In other words – okay with who we are.

A lack of confidence isn’t enough to drive a man away who’s attracted to us – it’s how that lack of confidence EXPRESSES itself.

Here’s one way a lack of confidence can push a man away:

We feel uncomfortable with ourselves in the moment, and so we shut down on the outside in order to appear “cool.”

This doesn’t give what we often think is a desirable “Ice Princess” effect (an Ice Princess has got that “Diva, Bitch, Babe” vibe that says she’ll put herself first no matter what – and that IS attractive to many men).

And it doesn’t give another “desirable” vibe – the  “casual” effect, either.

At its best, it just makes the average man afraid to approach you for fear of rejection.

And at its worst, he experiences you as “blank.” As having no energy at all. As simply not “being there.” And when he experiences you that way, there’s just no PULL toward you.  He may not even NOTICE you. And if he does – though he might like the way you look, and that might lead him over to talk with you, if he gets a “shut down” vibe from you – a “stiffness” and “discomfort,” he’s going to conclude instantly that you can’t HANDLE him.

If he can’t FEEL you – there’s nothing there for him to “like” except the superficial stuff. (And none of us like being liked for just that).

If we can up the ante – and be even more than “comfortable” and “okay” with ourselves – if we can actually LOVE ourselves in the presence of a man – wow – he can FEEL that.

And that pulls him in like a magnet.  That reads as confidence.

So – I’m saying – yes – that if you can practice loving yourself – no matter what – and do it in public, and in private with a man, and at a first meeting, or at a party – everywhere (and you have to practice this) – then you are creating confidence.

Even if you fall down a flight of stairs and turn bright red, even if you spill a drink, even if you burp, even if you are frightened out of your mind at how handsome the man standing in front of you is – no matter WHAT happens – if you firmly, lavishly, totally are practicing LOVING YOURSELF through the whole thing – no matter how embarrassed you may be at the same time – you will not only come across as confident, you’ll come across as amazingly, irresistibly ATTRACTIVE.

This is what my Modern Siren program is about – and it will show you how to get “into yourself” emotionally to create this kind of attractive vibe around yourself.  A vibe that will only get STRONGER – even in the most difficult circumstances.

Rachel – good luck to you, and let me know how this works for you.

Love, Rori

Allana Pratt, the Sexy Mom Expert (and I know her and love her and she truly is…) wrote a comment about my Circular Dating as Healing post – you can read the whole comment here-> and basically, she deals with her clients a bit differently than I do in this one way…

For the most part, she encourages Circular Dating, but if a woman has a strong addiction to men who are awful for her, and is feeling terrible about herself, Allana asks her to stop dating entirely for about a month. During that month, her client goes through pretty much the pain of “withdrawal” from the addiction and then is able to return to “conscious dating” from a much better place.

Here she is:

Allana asked what I thought and about my own experiences as a coach – and here it is…

In my experience, just like men – we are either the kind of person who launches ourselves into action and goes out dancing the moment we hit heartache, or we’re the kind of person who sits at home with the TV and a gallon of ice cream night after night.

Some of us are party girls, like the celebrities we follow in the news, and some of us hide ourselves away.

But it’s the same thing going on. It might look different – if we go out partying, we’re trying to distract ourselves from the pain of our heartaches, our addictions and frustrations and all the old traumas and old patterns that are running us in an unconscious way.

If we sit home and cry, we’re still following some old patterns of coping – sinking into the hopeless “what ifs” and “if onlies.”

If we go out to seminars and workshops hoping to heal ourselves by doing group work that SHOULD be meaningful and helpful, we often feel our pain even MORE than if we just go to the nearest Starbucks for coffee.

It’s not what we DO that’s important. It’s how we USE what happens inside and outside us when we do it.

It’s about bumping up against our old icky “stuff” – the deeply painful and terrifying feelings we’ve buried our whole lives – and transforming the “energy” of the feelings – just by EXPERIENCING them- even a little.

With a talented coach like Allana, you would be walked and supported through doing this – wherever you are.

So – the question is – what should you CHOOSE to DO while you’re bumping up against old horrible feelings?

What should you CHOOSE to TRIGGER yourself with – to Trigger the bumping up against these deeply buried and powerful feelings?

Should you choose to take baths and do yoga in your living room, and read and meditate?

Should you do only the necessary things – marketing, the dry cleaners, work, driving the kids around, paying your bills, cleaning and de-cluttering and decorating your home?

Or should you get yourself on an online dating site or go to Speed Dating events or go to dance classes, lectures, group hikes, acting classes – places where there might be MEN?

Should you accept a coffee date even though the man who’s asking you looks just like the one who just broke your heart and treated you like a second-class woman?

These are the questions Allana is talking about, and my answer is pretty simple.

The moment you AVOID doing ANYTHING NEW – you are involved in RESISTANCE.

The moment you PROPEL yourself into something you don’t really want to do, because you think it might be a good idea or I told you to – you’re all up in your HEAD.

So – the ONLY answer is to follow your FEELINGS.

So – how do you follow your feelings anywhere good when you’re addicted and have been leading yourself to bad places for so long?

I’m very, very big on learning by doing.

In other words – you can’t learn from a situation if you’re not in the situation.

There are many steps involved in Circular Dating. It’s not just about “going out on dates.”

It’s about learning to stand in front of a total stranger and feel relaxed and open and speak in Feeling Messages. Once you’ve practiced doing that in your imagination, using all my Tools – you can’t go any further if you’re at home alone.

It’s about learning to pick up red flags from men and see them a bit more clearly, to feel how you feel about yourself when you’re in his presence. You can’t do that at home alone.

You CAN do it, however, ANYWHERE. So Circular Dating would include going to the market and practicing opening your heart to the clerk behind the counter. Circular Dating would include Flirting, and making eye contact.

Circular Dating would include learning to be fully PRESENT, and Listening at Level 2, with everyone at the local Starbucks.

Circular Dating starts with practicing emotional availability, and learning to tolerate that a step-at-a-time.

All healing starts with the Truth.

Learning to see the truth, hear the truth, and speak the truth.

Learning to see beneath everything we’ve each built up around our hearts to keep us from the truth.

Even at a retreat in an ashram in India, you’re around people. You meditate in the company of people. You speak to people, sit next to people.

You learn to be who you are with people by being with people and interacting.

Only – the normal, day-to-day hustle-and-bustle is practically non-existent. It’s quiet. You don’t have the distractions we depend on, we don’t have the “busy-ness” to keep us from our thoughts and feelings.

I LOVE the idea of “retreat.”

That would be a few days where you commit to doing only certain things – meditating, dancing, yoga, walking…a vacation from your normal environment. Or – for me – it’s an art class where I think of NOTHING but what I’m immersed in.

And yet, in my experience, when you return to “real life” – you might feel even more “guarded.”

Because no matter WHERE you go – you can’t HELP getting triggered. In the most peaceful place in the world – someone might look at you (even an animal) and trigger you. The smallest thing may bring back a traumatic memory or make you feel bad. Just because you’re somewhere peaceful doesn’t mean you FEEL peaceful. Unless you PRACTICE.

So – use what Allana says as WELL as what I say. Try the “retreat” technique and take yourself away from excess stimulation for as long as you can, and EXPERIMENT with how that feels, how amazing it is to feel the stress go away from your body so that you don’t feel so intensely triggered as you might when you’re in a sea of other people’s expectations.

And try the “Triggering On Purpose” technique that is Circular Dating to provide OPPORTUNITIES for you to practice different Tools. It’s this combination of the inner work of triggering yourself and using “Strong Surrender” and all its Tools – and then resting so you can integrate everything you’ve discovered – that will move you the fastest.

Allana is terrific, and I’m going to ask her to guest post for me and help here with comments, too.  You can get all kinds of info from her and about her at www.AllanaPratt.com

Let me know what works for you, and I’ll write about it.

Love, Rori

Have you ever felt like a guy was hanging around you, but he just never asks for a regulation date?

And you don’t know how to behave?

Here’s a situation from Helene I think is pretty universal – especially if you live in a small town where everyone hangs out together and seems to know everyone else:

“Hi Rori: My name is Helene, and I am single again after 12 years….I was driving around one day – feeling sorry for myself and decided to stop by where my girlfriend works ( a bar )…I got introduced to the guy standing beside me…and wow we talked and talked  but most of all we both laughed – time flew by poof it was midnight …saw him the next day – same place – and once again laughed and laughed – he’s fun…I play in a pool league…he needed another player for his league so I gave him my number…

Following night he showed up again where I play…we talked and laughed again…( I sucked at pool tho – too nervous…lol) He asked where I play the next week but declined on coming to watch cuz it’s way across town…anyway I am just about to start playing – I look up and there he is…wow…he came to watch again…next day I am meeting my friend and he’s there again too…!

Then in walks my EX…we had quiet words – the ex and I – and then he left….New guy says – “Life is weird eh Helene?” I just say-”Yes it sure is…” my friend arrives and then we leave…

I don’t want to come off as a needy girl as that is so not me. ( I am independent – own my own home for 21 years and  raised my daughter on my own) He has my # and asked about 4 times – “So this is your # for pool?”

Why did i say “Yes” and not something like “Use it to call for a date” or something??? He seems interested – my friend says I send him just as many mixed signals as he does me….Tonight is pool league and we are partners…any suggestions – don’t want games….and mostly don’t want a guy that hangs out in a bar…What can I do ? Ignore him?? HELP – Sincerely, Helene”

Here’s my answer, and I’ll make it for everyone:

There’s “independent,” and then there’s “closed-off.”

There’s “mixed signals” and then there’s “I’m not interested.”

There’s “needy” and then there’s “flirty.”

It’s not all about the words you say – in fact it’s hardly EVER about words.  It’s about a vibe.  And the vibe has to be: “I’m open to you.”

Okay – so much for Helene’s part in this.

Now – what about the guy?  Does she know a single thing about him except that he’s fun and can’t seem to get the words together to ask for a date? Does she know that he’s a guy who “hangs out in a bar?”  Is he shy and clueless, or is he difficult, non-sexual, married and/or Toxic?

He keeps showing up, so it’s a no-brainer that he’s interested in her.

So – the question is not “Do I ignore him?” but “Am I willing to find out who he is and how I feel being around him?”  So far, Helene doesn’t have any feelings to go on, except “fun” (which sure isn’t bad).  So, what can she do?

How about ASK?  Like this:

“You know, I feel really awkward about this, and I’ve noticed you showing up when I’m here, are you married?  Is there something I should know about you that would keep me from accepting a date with you?”

This is not meant to be cute, or clever or flirty.  It’s meant to be straightforward, open, honest, true, sweet, vulnerable and very brave.

And when you do this, you become – Yes – devastatingly attractive, which is back to Helene’s original issue – does she really WANT to be devastatingly attractive to this man.

And my answer is – YES, you ALWAYS want to be devastatingly attractive.  Much better to break a million hearts of a million men then suffer through breaking your own heart because you’re afraid to be attractive.

I know – who might I attract? is kind of scary.  Especially if you tend to attract men who mean you know good.

The best way to meet and love and be loved by a great man is to have tons of choices, to feel great, and love yourself.

And the way you do it is stay OPEN.

Love, Rori