How To Move On From A Broken Engagement
Here’s a heartbreaking letter from Leslie, who’s suffering the surprise and sudden end of her 6 year relationship:
“Rori, I thought I was in a wonderful relationship with a man I have been with off and on for 6 years. He had given my an engagement ring and we planned to get married next June. We just had a HUGE blow-up and he called it all off.
He says he has “tried” and just doesn’t feel “chemistry” with me and never has. I have been “fooled” by his frequent calls, e-cards, trips to see him, and him telling me he loves me. I love him and felt “chemistry.”
Why couldn’t I see through it all? I am hurting and I want to be strong, but it’s hard. I am a “nice” person, probably too nice. I can see that I have done lots wrong. I was living my dream, not his. Why did he deceive me? Also, what can I do about not drowning in my sorrow? I can’t meet men and I do not want to get on a dating service and meet men who just aren’t interested in a real relationship. I am going to study your e-book now. Thanks, Leslie”
Here’s my answer:
This is a situation so many women have found themselves in – with a man for so long, finally getting the engagement ring and the wedding date, and then having it called off with the reason – “I never felt it for you.”
And Leslie is asking herself every minute of every day why she didn’t see it coming, and what she could possibly have done to cause him “not to feel it for her.”
I can’t know what’s going on in her man’s mind – so I’m going to guess – He didn’t marry her after a year in the relationship because he “wasn’t sure” – and then he just thought she was the greatest – “nice,” good to him, sexy, and so he didn’t want to let her go. So he held on. For 6 years. Until, finally, he couldn’t say no to her anymore, so he signed up for marriage.
Then – a fight gave him the excuse he needed, and although he didn’t want to let her go, he made the choice to do so rather than marry her.
And – though it’s hard to know what kind of Red Flags he might have been waving during the 6 years (the number one Red Flag being taking him so long to ask her to marry him) – it might have been IMPOSSIBLE for Linda to see them, because the level of emotional connection cannot have been deep enough for her to FEEL it.
The first question to ask is about the “big blowup.” If continual “blowups” are the main way anger gets resolved in your relationship – then your communication is not helping you.
No matter how bad a “fight” is, though – it would never break a relationship unless it was already nearly over.
And attempting to “avoid” fights by always deferring to him, or stuffing your feelings, or never, ever speaking up on your own behalf – will push a man away even FASTER than a fight will.
The way to go here, and what you can learn, Leslie, by – yes – DATING men (even men who aren’t serious about a relationship so that you can PRACTICE working with my Tools with them), is how to EXPRESS your anger, fear, distress, upset and pain in an emotional way that will actually BRING a man CLOSER – instead of making him want to run away.
Learning how to communicate in this way ALL the time will absolutely INSURE that your relationship will get deeper and stronger instead of just fizzle out the way yours did.
My heart goes out to you – and I hope you will start dating, just for the experience, and let me know how you’re doing.
Love, Rori
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