Have The Relationship You Want

If you’ve ever felt torn in two directions with a man, and you’re struggling with following your heart or your own Boundary “Rules” - here’s a letter from Hannah we can work with:

“Hi Rori, I am reading the ebook and doing the writing exercises. I already feel better. I decided that clenching my fists and attempting to hold on to “him” really makes me feel powerLESS. Today, I practiced holding myself “open” with hands, heart, pelvis—I even attempted to flirt and be open to all men. And, I have to say, that for the most part, I really enjoyed the experiment. I was smiling to myself all day. It was indeed an eye opener–I never realized how really closed off I must appear in the world.

Great info!! As you remember, my boyfriend lives in Santa Barbara, and I live in Los Angeles. As we discussed, I am going down this weekend because I had already committed. Now–as for the future weekends, you and I discussed saying things like: “Oh, I am so disappointed…I hadn’t heard from you and I already made plans with my girlfriends, etc.” BUT, BUT, BUT—what do I do/say in the event that he asks me this weekend, or really early on in the week about the following weekend?

What if he says, “Are you coming down next weekend?” Should I just have some activities booked far enough in advance to give myself the excuse to be able to say I have other plans? The truth is that I am less willing to make the drive since he says he might be leery about making a commitment…but, I don’t tell him that do I? Should I be noncommittal and say something like…’I don’t know what my plans are but, it might feel good to have a relaxing weekend at home in LA.’? Thanks, Rori!! Hannah”

Here was my original answer to Hannah -

“Brava! You’re doing fantastic. Here’s your answer, in your own words… ‘The truth is that I am less willing to make the drive since he says he might be leery about making a commitment…’

You tell him the truth. ‘I don’t feel very comfortable coming to you all the time. It feels like I’m chasing you, and it doesn’t feel good.’

This is the TRUTH. And, you’re being open and vulnerable.

Absolutely NO making things up, no games, no strategy. The truth, in feeling messages. NOT THIS: ‘Should I be noncommittal and say something like…I don’t know what my plans are but, it might feel good to have a relaxing weekend at home in LA.’ Love, Rori”

Here’s the deal on all this for all of us - this is all about basically telling the TRUTH to a man.

We have only 2 scenarios, here: One - we know the Truth, exactly how we feel and what we want, but we’re afraid to communicate that, so we’re desperately trying to find “a way in” to the conversation.

We’re trying to find a “way” to say the Truth - or - we’re trying to find a way to say some of the truth - which most often turns into choosing an old pathway we’ve used over and over again that never has worked - the not-truth.

And Two - we DON’T know the Truth.  We actually don’t know what we want.  We’re pulled in two -sometimes many - directions.

Like Hannah, we want to go and we want to not go.  Sometimes I even have difficulty deciding if I want to go to a movie, or if I want to stay home and veg on the couch or play cards.

When I’m under the weather, I want to do things, but I want to stay in bed. I can actually feel the war going on inside me from my different impulses. I want to write, I want to clean the kitchen, I want to eat, I want to smile at my daughter and listen to her, and I want to curl up with my husband - all at the same time.

I have to CHOOSE. But still - and this is important - all these impulses are the TRUTH.

And saying the Truth to anyone would be to say - “I’m feeling confused.  I want to do ten things all at once.  I haven’t settled down enough to choose one, or put them in some sort of order of “liking to do.”

And so, my path is simple - I must settle down into myself, really imagine all my options, and FEEL which one feels best at this very moment.  I must PRACTICE CHOOSING from many truths.  I must practice listening to my deepest self, my intuition, my gut level feelings.  AND - I must make this process FUN by using my favorite Tools for this situation.

I know - and if you settle down into yourself and imagine - you know too, many, many times when you had many things you wanted to do and not do, where ONE THING just jumped out at you, and you KNEW what it was you wanted to do.

Only, you may have second-guessed yourself, or tried to talk yourself out of it, or made an intellectual, rational argument for another choice, or went with what someone ELSE wanted and decided it was what YOU wanted to do, too.

And still - no matter WHAT you choose - some of that would be the TRUTH.  “I wanted to go to see that movie now because I knew YOU wanted to see that movie now, and it felt good to make you happy.”  That’s the Truth. “I really want to see that movie now” is NOT the Truth. (There may be a movie you feel okay about seeing “sometime” - but that doesn’t make it the thing you want to do right NOW.)

See where we’re going here?

So - start with the Truth.  Get into yourself, listen to all your conflicting voices, and FEEL what it is that’s the truth for you at this moment.  Practicing this will make EVERYTHING so much EASIER for you…and will get you AMAZING results with a man.

When you have the challenge of speaking to a man about something you’re torn about, or that’s emotionally loaded, or you have to make a decision, like Hannah - don’t worry about the outcome.  The outcome isn’t under your control.  Just focus your energy on FEELING what it is that’s the TRUTH for YOU about this.

Even if there are MANY Truths - just write them all down. Then feel your way through each option, and see if you can FEEL which one is the MOST true for you at the moment, the one that most sings in your heart, where you can feel your body RELAX and breathe. (That’s often the clearest sign we can get that we’ve hit on the truth for us for the moment - we FEEL released inside.)

And practice, moment by moment, saying the Truth, DOING what feels Truthful, and letting the outcome work out by itself. I can promise you that what you choose, and how things unfold in the short term are not important - what will work for you with a man in the LONG TERM is the VIBE you create around yourself when you listen to yourself and speak the Truth.

When you do this, you open up a way of communication with a man that THRILLS him. It creates INSTANT CONNECTION - and the longer you do it, the deeper the connection becomes. So - work for the Truth, and let me know your experiences. Love, Rori

The Holidays are slipping away from me. I’m buzzing, speeding, moving faster than sound waves. Brain on overdrive, pedal to the metal. It’s Hanukkah. It’s Christmas. It’s Kwanzaa. It’s New Year’s. All at once.

I see my entire life in rewind. My whole life crammed into two weeks. I remember my childhood and the Hanukkah candles, my single years with the Hanukkah candles and the Christmas tree because I thought it was pretty and festive and fun, Christmas in New York with a potted plant. Then married years of collecting ornaments and my daughter throwing icicles around the room.

Years ago, we gave up the tree lot Christmas tree because of allergies, then we gave up the living Christmas tree because of the same allergies, then we gave up the fake tree (which I really loved – the whole thing was one big decoration), and this year I forgot to buy Hanukkah candles.

The parties are like networking meetings. Everyone has business cards. Even family get-togethers feel like replays, like obligations, like the children are all leaving home and this is the only way we can see them.

Some of us are giddy. Some of us are blue. Some of us are lifted up by whose birthday and whose steadfastness we’re celebrating. Some of us are tired. I’m just, well, feeling.

It’s hard to be or feel any one thing in the middle of all this celebrating, cooking, cleaning, putting off work, missing appointments, going out of town, caring for and being visitors and houseguests. It’s hard to be any one thing or feel any one thing ever.

To me, this whirlwind of tradition, ritual, repetition, counting of years, remembering where we were at that Christmas, that Hanukkah, that Kwanzaa is a swirl of emotion that ties me to my past, propels me into my future, and makes me stand right here, right now, awestruck, watching the air fly past my eyes.

And it makes me love myself and all people just a little more – because I can’t cling to the past or dream about the future or pretend to not be here. It’s like a vortex. It’s past, present and future – the same for everyone.

We’re all connected here – not by religion or tradition or even the start of yet another year, but by the fact that we’re all tied to this season of both celebrating and lamenting everything all these things bring to the surface for us to feel. All at once.

In any given moment, there are infinite possibilities of feeling. Turn to your desk. All those things sitting on it. Look at them. Touch one at a time. Doesn’t each have a different feel, a different memory?

I look at the picture of my dog, Popcorn, who passed away four years ago, and still feel a wave of sadness and regret for what I didn’t do for her, and then my new dog, Hazel, three years old, touches my shoe with her face, and a wave of delight goes through me.

The rubber band on the desk reminds me of something old, and it feels like something fun, and the air smells like flowers, and it’s cold in here. All at once.

Feelings morph. They’re liquid. They can go from unbearably bereft grief to stunningly tingly pleasure in less than the blink of an eye. We don’t have to stay in our dungeons of loneliness or our prisons of pain, or our clouds of infatuation.

We can move through it all, cycle through it, round in a circle or up and down or side to side, and swim in the Soup of our own emotions, our own soul’s treasure chest.

If you’re feeling blue, it’s not who you are. It’s just the way you feel right now. It’s okay to look at the cat with love in the middle of feeling grief. It’s okay to cry and then laugh, to look at a page from the news in disbelief and dread, and then laugh over the movie section.

This is what we do best, us humans. We feel.

What it is about the Holidays, for me, is that it’s a season of contradiction, confusion, old and new, real and fake, love and emptiness. It’s happy. We’re up. We’re celebrating. It’s sad, we’re down, we’re blue. It lights up the choice we get to make at every moment.

If we have “Happy Holidays” and “The Holiday Blues,” if we give to those less fortunate and feel unfortunate, if we give and try to remember how to receive, if I am exhilarated and at the same time terrified, which do I choose to believe? What do I focus on?

People who are heroic seem to absolutely get, and try to teach us, that there is joy in life, and that, even in the most desperate of moments, it’s good to focus on the joy even while you’re experiencing the pain.

So, while you focus on joy, remember what you remember and see what you see and feel what you feel about pain. While you focus on peace, remember and see and feel what you experience as chaos. While you focus on love, don’t avoid anything you feel, even if it’s fear.

Travel across the landscape of your life focusing on what feels good - peace and love and joy - and know that, even though pain and chaos and fear are always along for the ride, you can ride with them without getting stuck in them.

It’s the Holidays. Touch things, touch people, be human, receive love, and give love to yourself.

Every moment is a new memory. Whatever yours are, they’re yours to focus on, to remember or forget, to live for or with or through, to keep or toss, to stay mired in or use to jump into something wonderful.

Whatever you choose at any given moment, I wish you love, happiness and a whole lot of fun.

Love, Rori

I wrote this last year, and it still feels true to me - all my love and warm wishes to you all - and let me know how Hanukkah, Christmas and Kwanzaa went for you this year…Love, Rori