Have The Relationship You Want

Okay – this is a tough, tough topic – and I asked Tinque to guest post about it – because she’s dealt with it in her own life, becoming an amazing woman, an absolute expert and a great coach. Her take is completely the opposite of everything you’ll hear out there, and I’ll be asking her to write for us often, as well as comment.

Tinque is completely about using EVERYTHING that shows up to expand herself inside – and she’s absolutely determined to expand herself, totally dedicated to herself, and to helping you turn this lemon into lemonade as she’s done. She  wrote this in reply to a post we both saw about how porn and fantasy take away from a relationship – you’ll see how she has a very on-the-edge-of-the-envelope perspective and some very on-the-edge-of-the-envelope and powerful ideas on this, and I know you’ll have lots of comments (here’s a picture of Tinque, too):

“Everyone is different, and not all individuals or couples respond to porn in the same way. Not all porn is used as a substitute or as fantasy whether it be images or words, and comparisons are not necessarily being made.

I discovered my partner liked to look at porn on the internet three years into the relationship. If I hadn’t happened upon it one day, I would still not know to this day that he likes porn, for he was always attentive, loving, and very sexual with me, very much into me and us. We had a really nice relationship even though I knew all along that I was keeping my deeper self from him.

I always have and knew no other way out of fear etc., yet still we were really good together. I’m sure he sensed some of this somewhere, but he’s patient and felt that someday I would open to him or not. Porn had nothing to do with any of this.

Finding it though plunged me into deep despair, but I knew from the beginning that it wasn’t entirely about the porn. It was much more about deeper issues that were being triggered by it. It took me three more years of intense inner work using various means along with desire, determination, and dedication that brought me through to the other side.

I came to find out that for him and surely other men as well that porn only stokes the fire of his passion for me, or sometimes it’s just an amusement, as a tease to be reignited at another time. Who doesn’t enjoy being aroused after all? He uses porn as a tool to arouse himself for me, not for use as an empty evacuation or ejaculation, rarely that is. The images are objects of arousal, not figures of desire.

Men like my man have a wonderful way of being able to be sexually attracted to nearly any image of a naked woman and not desire them. There is a clear difference in their minds and hearts between momentary eroticism in a picture or even a woman passing on the street or even a stripper in the flesh and the full bodied response, heart and soul included, they have for their beloved.

Porn for this kind of man creates a direct connection from eyeballs to penis. There is no stopping along the way. When he see me on the other hand there is, the brain and the heart. A distinct difference of which he’s well aware. This is something most women cannot fathom. We may or may not fantasize about images we see or words we read, but we can imagine, feel, sometimes all sensations, touch, smell, taste even as if we are there, and we can create fantastic scenarios; we can become caught up in it all and possibly become confused. For most men this is not true.

For me now that I have healed from my deeper stuff and mostly reconciled myself with porn, I now share it with my man or look at it alone, I find that I can feel all that I just described above if I find an image or clip that arouses me, but there is never a comparison, for I’m just feeling what I feel nebulously, as if I’m a sentient, ephemeral being among ghost like figures.

They are so not real, fun to fantasize about and maybe masturbate to sometimes but not very fulfilling. What could possibly be better than sex with my man? The real thing could never compare to a two dimensional unreal image, and I know he feels the same.

We’ve been together now for over six years, and though sex has never been boring, it keeps getting better and better. Much has to do with me letting my stuff go and opening up in all ways, body, mind, heart, and spirit. I have also found that men take our lead in this. The more we open to them, the more they will open to us. They find something through our hearts for which there really isn’t one word. It’s aspects of the following; love, a balance, an ease, peace, harmony, joy, and more.

It’s not that they can’t find these things without us, they can, yet in a loving union, it’s such a wonderful and maybe richer way to do so. But it works both ways. The more we open to them, the more they open to us they open to us, and the deeper we can go. What a lovely symbiosis.

Maybe we’re both lucky to have what we have with each other, for he is my brand of adoring white knight in shining armor, and I am his loving hussy slut ho.”

I’ll bet this is triggering you, because in all the time Tinque and I were working together, I felt triggered and inspired to work with myself, too – so I could stay WITH Tinque while she was moving so fast through all of this amazing personal growth.  All the Tools I developed for her, I used for myself, and I’ve been sharing them with you.  But Tinque is actually in the MIDDLE of this expanding relationship – so her point of view is absolutely unique and expert.

If you want to read more on her blog, or talk to Tinque by phone, visit www.tinque.blogspot.com – it’s very, very eye-opening and controversial.

I’m going to push the envelope on this topic, because it’s absolutely everywhere right now, and USE this often very UGLY and painful situation to open up many, many places in ourselves that can turn it into a beautiful thing for us personally – in the way we feel about ourselves and the way we relate to men and CHOOSE our men.

Love, Rori

Bethany’s now moved from anguish – to anguish and RAGE, and though she’s trying to cork the rage, it just squeaks out – see if this will help you:

“Hi, Rori, I saw Carl in the computer lab today and I felt angry. He was with a student and the three of us ended up standing around the printer. I couldn’t meet his eyes and then the student asked “So who’s the better teacher?” and he said “She is,” and I said “Oh I don’t know, he has more experience…” or something. Then I asked the student “So is he a hard-ass as a teacher?” I think I meant it to be funny but oh my god, I think it was my anger talking!!!! Shit!!! Then I had to leave.

Now I feel awful like I’ve messed the whole thing up because I didn’t get a chance to say what I feel about that text he sent me (the one about the girl) and I’m just ANGRY, full of RAGE even and it scares me that I would have such a strong reaction to a small thing. Oh my God. I’m sorry I know you’re busy but do you have any ideas about how I can do this without pushing him away with my anger leaking out??? Please, please tell me I haven’t screwed this up? Thank you, Bethany

My answer:

Bethany, First – go to my blog, go to the category Power & Self Esteem, and work through each post in turn, using the comments the other incredible women make for reference, and my posts tweaking them. Do the lists and the flips and the exercises. It will help you get in touch with yourself very quickly.

Now – What you said to him would be thought of by many, many people – including many relationship experts – as “delicious, flirty, cute, a bit bitchy and challenging and totally adorable and attractive.” So – why are you beating yourself up?

Because it didn’t go the way you WANTED it to go.

I don’t even hear what CARL’S reaction to you was.  Perhaps he smiled. (I mean, truthfully – what man would be deeply offended by being thought of as a “bad-ass”? To most men, that would sound kind of “manly.”) And my guess is that you didn’t mention his reaction here because you weren’t THERE for it.

You either walked away and so weren’t there physically, or you immediately went into your head in “damage control” mode and shut down.  You went away emotionally and mentally – didn’t stand by yourself and stay present, and – MOST IMPORTANT – no matter WHAT was happening – put staying CONNECTED to Carl in the number one priority slot.

And that’s why you’re beating yourself up even more.  You wanted to use the moment as an opportunity, and instead you ran.

And I want to say – it’s OKAY that you ran! In fact – it makes total sense that you ran! I totally and completely understand, and I want you to totally and completely understand and be OKAY with it.

I still run sometimes, we all do it – and it’s just part of the journey, part of being human, part of the ups and downs of doing my methods and healing yourself – BECAUSE – we can only go so fast.

We can’t go any faster than our systems will allow us to go.  If we are deeply traumatized – we simply CAN’T stay there and be “connected” when we’re feeling so terrified (which is what triggering our old traumas does – it feels terrifying).

Almost all of us are traumatized to some degree, and I know, from working with you, that you are – right now – smack in the middle of working through your very deeply ingrained defenses against your very deep and real traumas.

So give yourself a break, okay?

The way to move at lightening speed, the way to move quickly – is simply to PRACTICE.  That means, by hanging in there with Carl, you are practicing. You are allowing yourself to be constantly triggered, and you are working to go through the steps you need to go through in order to clear away some of your “frozen defenses,” and clear away the instinctive traumatic reactions.

You cannot move this mountain all at once, so stop trying.  Just do the Tools, one at a time.  Write speeches, and say the truth and your feelings as much as you can.

Practice saying EVERYTHING – about the weather, the movie, the coffee – in Feeling Messages for practice.

You’ll see an improvement in your ability to give up your “Stance” and go into “Strong Surrender” (in Commitment Blueprint and Modern Siren) – and experience your anger as FUEL for yourself instead of as this barb-like defense you’ve always used it for.  You’ll experience your anger as MUCH BETTER-FEELING than fear and depression, and you’ll open up more and more of it and see it for what it is – a GOOD thing!

So – for you, Bethany, and for all of you lovely, wonderful, brilliant goddesses on this blog – do NOT beat yourself up – you aren’t allowed. I won’t allow it.  I love you too much. It makes things worse – tighter, more constricted, harder to get to. Use the Tools, work toward getting more and more Present. This is what the Tools are for – you are always working on yourself to raise your consciousness, your awareness, and your ability to feel what you feel and respond in the moment. It’s a process, and it gets easier the more you practice. Just practice.

Bethany, you will see him, you will hear from him. Prepare what you’re going to say – try something like – “…oh my god, I felt so angry. I was shocked at how angry and enraged I was. I was working so hard to stuff it down, I don’t want to do that – I want to be open and straightforward with you, even if I don’t like what you do or what I’m feeling – so I’m just going to spit it out. When you texted me about that girl I felt awful. I just felt so angry. I felt confused. I don’t like feeling angry with you. I don’t like feeling jealous, and I felt that. And I don’t like it.”

Line by line, listening to him after you speak, going with the feelings you have after he speaks…

I can’t guarantee you this man forever. But I can guarantee you that if you practice on him, your relationship will get more intimate and closer – IF HE”S CAPABLE!, and if he’s not the one – the next one will be so much better!

Love, Rori

Bethany is in the middle of a crisis.  The crisis began when she started dating Carl, and it goes on day after day, because, as much as she loves him, she feels awful with him, too:

“Dear Rori, I’m feeling jealous right now. I got a text from Carl not understanding why this girl is dating this one guy we know…I don’t know who she is and I looked her up on facebook, and she’s blond and beautiful and she added Carl as a friend or he added her, I don’t know. Why would he text me that? And I’m blond too and his “type”..what if he’s attracted to her? I know from your e-letters that you say men can have a physical reaction to a woman but still feel nothing for her on a deeper level. I get that and it makes sense, but I still feel jealous! I’m trying to stay on my bridge like you talk about, but it’s so hard to not get knocked off! I used the Circular Breathing technique, and it helped a lot, but this thing has got me thrown. Bethany”

Here’s my answer: Bethany – texting you about this was a huge mistake on his part. It’s utterly clueless, and if he told another guy friend he did that – they’d tell him what a jerk he is.

“You have to say to him, when he calls next. Carl I don’t know why you texted me about that girl. I felt extremely jealous and weird when I got it. I’m not that good a sport.” Or something like that. Let him try to explain and listen to him.

You can’t hide your feelings about this – I don’t know what it means, and neither do you – but I’d keep my energy way back with him, make him really work to get close, and get it all very clear in your head and heart why he felt the need to send you the text.

I’m even wondering if he meant the text to go to someone else and sent it to you by mistake.

You’re not wrong to be upset. Just keep feeling and loving your feelings. Love, Rori

And later Bethany wrote again:

“Okay, Rori, thanks–he actually wrote on her facebook wall and she wrote on his…flirting? Yuck, I feel soooo awful…I’m just listening to the Christian Carter interview on your Blueprint program and he keeps talking about playfulness, which I haven’t been with him cause I want to lean back, so I was just going to send him a message with something about how I had a good time this weekend but then I saw that and I don’t want it to look like I’m chasing him, but yeah, I feel majorly triggered and I’m soooo afraid that if I say to him “I feel jealous” that he’s going to run….I’m confused. Have I not been doing enough??? Bethany”

And here’s the universal part of this, and why I’m posting this whole series.  Bethany is SO TRIGGERED – nearly everything this man does or doesn’t do causes her extreme ANGUISH (I know we can all identify with this), that it’s hard for her to step back and see the big picture.

She’s so experiencing fear and pain that she can’t put his actions into perspective. He’s not a “bad guy.”  He’s just young, inexperienced, and clueless.  As are many, many men.

And the cure for all this is confidence – but not HIS confidence – OUR confidence.

So – how can we build OUR confidence when we feel so “thrown”? Just to start – let’s get some PERSPECTIVE.

1. Use my Zoom Out Tool from Commitment Blueprint and/or my “Wings” Tools from The Modern Siren – it’s about flying up and looking down – seeing you, your man, and ALL the men in the world at the same time – keeping them ALL in view, noticing how your man is just one among millions.

2. Use my breathing Tools in Blueprint to calm yourself (all you need is something to take the edge off each time you feel Triggered), use the Power & Self Esteem Tools here to Accept, Love & Embrace your feelings instead of trying to shove them down (it’s the resistance to our feelings that causes all the anxiety, anguish and most of the pain).

3. Give yourself permission to take this journey.  As long as you don’t shut down all your other options – even what feels like a tortured love affair is a great learning experience.

Remember – it’s NOT about what HE’S DOING, or what he’s saying or who he is.  It’s about YOU, and what being with him brings up in YOU.

After you allow yourself to experience what this feels like, and use EVERY situation to learn to SPEAK THE TRUTH in feeling messages, to abide by the Rori Raye Mantra and always be looking for opportunities to Give Up Control, you’ll start to be able to simply CHOOSE the experiences and situations that FEEL BETTER.

It’s hard to know what to choose when you are only experiencing the same thing over and over again, feeling stuck there.

As you expand yourself and your experience, and ALLOW yourself to get triggered and work through it – you’ll be amazed – you will come out the other side so much stronger than you could have ever believed.

Love, Rori

Have you ever pretended to the man who just turned you from a lover to a friend that you’re OKAY with that?

Here’s a comment from Mariah (here’s the whole comment->) – (I’m working with it here because I think it’s a universal situation that will help you, too):

“Rori, I wrote to you while back about a relationship I was in with a man that told me he just wanted to be friends after all. You told me to get my energy out of there and I did, we still talk sometimes and just few days ago he told me he had come to a conclusion that he wanted to invest in a relationship and he wants to have a family (even though he already has children). He also told me that he would be ok with a woman that already has children if all the right elements were there. I did not what to say, because I was not sure why he shared that with me….

I was speechless and told him that I hoped he would find what he is looking for. – that is my problem…. I keep lying, pretending, making it look it does not bother me and that I truly hope he finds happiness.

Rori, I can’t do this anymore, I feel bursting inside with the desire to tell him exactly how I feel and why in a very mature way. I feel to tell him that cuddling on the couch while watching TV makes me feel bonded to him, I feel to tell him that when he text messages me and end with ” I love you long time,” I feel to be with him. I feel to tell him the truth about how I feel, what I want and share all my emotions that I have been suppressing just to play it cool. Please tell me, what should I do here….. I need to start this new year in a different note and right now I feel to come out clean about all this with him.

Waiting anxiously for your tips on this one… thank you in advance!! Mariah”

Okay.  This has happened to me so many times in my life (long ago, yes, but I remember them still, and when I remember them I flare up for a moment with remembered anger, humiliation and despair – and yes, I use all my Tools to USE those moments to make what’s going on in my marriage right now, for real, more powerfully wonderful – instead of letting those memories take hold of me and carry me further away from my man).

Something happens to us when a man we love drifts away and then says that he considers us a “friend.” A good, great, wonderful, friend.  We are so wounded in that moment that we BELIEVE it’s OKAY.

We BELIEVE that either he’s not really saying what he’s saying, or that he’ll change his mind because he’s just scared of intimacy, or that WE’LL get over him fast and that we’ll WANT him in our life as a “friend.”

We focus all our energy on NOT LOSING HIM.  Even though he’s now only a “friend.”

We feel a sense of loss so powerfully, that we put on our brakes and refuse to lose any more.

And this just wrecks us.

It’s us not willing to “give up.”  And most often – “Giving Up” is the absolutely best thing we can do.

The best thing for ourselves – our self-esteem, self-respect, confidence and power; and the best thing for the potential of the relationship.  If the relationship ever CAN return to the romance it once was – it’s Giving Up that gives you your best chance.

So when a man comes up with the “friends” line – however he says it – GET OUT OF THERE!

I mean this LITERALLY. Don’t smile, don’t say how you “love him as a person” and “of course you want him in your life,” don’t say you “need to think about it,” don’t share your pain with him….because – he is NO LONGER YOUR FRIEND.

Yes, this is pretty radical.  Say “Oh. Well, you’re right, of course. Goodbye, then,” turn around and get yourself to your home, to your girlfriend’s home, to a dance class, the gym, the coffee house – just get out of there.

And yes – he will call you.  He’ll try to “make nice.”  He’ll try to do what he needs to do to feel better himself, and he’ll try to do what he needs to do to KEEP YOU in his LIFE.

Do not pick up the phone, do not return calls, do not return emails. Nothing.  If you see him at work, smile and walk past.

If he should manage to get you on the phone, say “This doesn’t feel good, I ust don’t have the time for a man friend right now, I have to go…” and hang up the phone.

And do all this WITHOUT ANGER.  Think about it.  He’s done nothing wrong.  He’s done nothing bad.  He hasn’t (unless he’s a sociopath, and we’ll talk about that later) intentionally tried to hurt you.  It just didn’t work out for him.  He’s trying to “let you down easy,” and he really likes you as a person and as a woman and so he’s trying to keep you in his life.

If he hadn’t HAD to – because the relationship had come to the point where he had to – he would have tried his best to NOT say anything to you.  He would have “strung you along” for as long as he could. And not because he’s “bad” and “awful” – but because he LIKES you – appreciates how you add to his life, and doesn’t want to LET YOU GO.

IF – and I say this very carefully – IF he’s going for friendship now because he simply can’t conceive of anything deeper right now with ANY WOMAN – and you feel totally tempted to wait him out, until he grows up – you are doing yourself a deep disservice.

The absolute BEST thing you can do for yourself is to take him at his word. Friends it is.  Wave Goodbye to him and get yourself back on the market Circular Dating, and work through your distress with my Power & Self Esteem Tools until you realize what a huge favor he’s done you by telling you anything remotely truthful when it was important to you.

When you walk away, and get happy elsewhere – that’s when (IF it’s even possible for him to change his mind and all of a sudden feel romantic about a relationship with you) – he comes back.

And Mariah – he’s coming back now – but still only as a “friend” – and you are still unwilling to walk away.  I totally identify with you, I know we all do…and here’s what you do:

1.  Write a speech.  It will say the truth.  You don’t want to be his friend. Period. You’re not sure why he’s telling you about his love life, and you still care deeply for him and do not want to be his friend.

2.  When he calls next, deliver your speech simply, so that you can experience yourself as telling the truth and feeling powerful because telling the truth is ALWAYS powerful.

3.  Say Goodbye and hang up.  Do not get into chatting, do not listen to him, do not ask questions, do not talk about your relationship, do not ACT like his friend.  Do not revisit the breakup.  Do not listen to his “feelings.”  Say Goodbye and hang up.

4.  Go do something very, very nice for yourself.  Something from your Channeling List.

5.  Get out there and DATE – work for YOURSELF, not to get HIM.  As you do this – tell the truth and shift the focus – you’ll see – things will get better.

Love, Rori