Have The Relationship You Want

Here’s a great idea from Clara, and I’m turning it into a Tool:

“Dear Rori,
An Idea I had – it is a bit silly but who knows you might like it…
Why not make yourself a LOGO, or a Trade Mark Symbol in the Figure of a Siren or a Goddess or Mermaid ? And also a small line condensing the Idea behind this Logo ? And this would be on all of your programs and on your eLetters, products and so forth ?

And women of this wonderful blog could Print it out and Put in a Frame in their house or office or both or tattoo it if they like? How about this?

I guess it would be a nice reminder of who we really are inside thanks to you

Blessings and Love, Clara”

Clara – Thank you so much for this!  so – Let’s all do it, and let’s call it YOUR LOGO:

1. Get out some paper and some crayons or markers and a pencil

2. Sit down, close your eyes and imagine yourself in a “place of peace.”  Perhaps it’s by the ocean, on a tropical beach, or in a mansion on a hill, or…wherever YOU feel incredible and peaceful.

3. Now bring yourself into the picture and get really comfortable there.

4.  Now – bring in your “Full-Potential-Self.”  This is you as your most fully realized, ecstatic, highest, most at peace self.

5. Really look at her.  Notice what she’s wearing, her hair, how she holds her body.

6. Now let her walk toward you, holding out her arms and her hands to you.  Allow her to take your hands in hers, and then to embrace you completely in her arms – imagining how her magnificent energy is coming into your body and making you feel more and more like her.

7. Now fully notice that this amazing creature IS YOU.  And that you and she are the same woman. That you share the same soul, the same heart, the same Love.

8. Let her give you her strength and command of her full self and her world, her peacefulness  and Love, and let her love you totally.

9. Let her stay with you – loving you, giving you beautiful, powerful energy – for 10 breaths, in and out, slowly, and then slowly, gently, let her go.  Let her stand far enough away from you that you can see her.

10. Now take out your pencil and paper and draw a few lines or squiggles that FEEL like HER and YOU together.  This could look like anything – like two lines coming together, or two arches, or flowers, or curlicues, or hearts, or anything that feels like the experience you had with her.

Frame it in your mind and heart that you are doing this step for FUN ONLY.  To EXPRESS yourself and your feeling – NOT to CREATE something “pretty” or “usable.”

Do no more than 5 simple versions this one time (you can always do this again and again) – and pick your favorite for now (notice if you’re getting all about what it LOOKS like, or trying to accomplish something – and remember we’re just trying to capture a FEELING here that will REMIND you of your experience with yourself.  No matter what it looks like to you – each drawing will automatically HAVE that feeling – so you can’t go wrong – really, you can’t).

Add color to it if you like.

11. Now give the logo some WORDS

It can be something simple like “Peaceful Me,” or “I Am Beauty,” or “I Walk In Love…”  Let it just come to you, and write it underneath or alongside your picture-logo (Perhaps, if you’ve done more than one version, you can include ALL the drawings in the one “logo.”)

12.  Now – as Clara suggests, you can put it in a frame – one of those frames where you just slip in the picture – so that you can change it every single day if you wish!  Or just tape it to your mirror or stand it on your desk against a book.

You can DO this every single day!  There’s no end to the expression of your “Full-Potential-Self” and “Beautiful-You-As You-Are-Right-Now” – merged together.

I know you can’t post your pictures here, but let me know how this felt to you, and perhaps post the word part of your logo for today.

Now – how is this going to help you with a man?

Try carrying your personal logo out with you in the world.  Wear the feeling you had being with your Full-Potential-Self, and see how it shifts your vibe into a more effortless, easy, open place.

This sense of acceptance and love from yourself will carry over into a total sense of CONFIDENCE that will envelop you – and we all know there’s nothing more attractive to a man than Confidence, and there’s nothing that feels BETTER to US when we’re WITH a man than confidence.

So, Love to you, and I’m going to go now and work on my very own “logo” to share with you, as you share with me, Rori

Here’s a quick tip for a specific situation.  See if you can use this the next time you go to a party – perhaps your office Holiday party – or anywhere where there are men:

“Hey Rori, I’m going to a speed dating event tomorrow night – Any last minute tips????? I’m really nervous and almost terrified! Love, Annie”

Annie – This is so COOL! I’m so proud of you.

Okay – I don’t want you to burn out on this kind of thing – I want you to find a way to make them really fun, so you keep doing them.

Don’t go early, or mentally devote a lot of time to it. Tell yourself this is an experiment. This is simply a place to practice the Tools you’re learning on a huge pool of men all in one evening. It’s a “time effective” way to do Circular Dating.

Try to catch and stop yourself if you find yourself LOOKING for a good man, or even paying attention to any man who isn’t RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.

Focus on yourself, relaxing, being present, enjoying the room, the sounds, swaying to music, feeling your nerves.

Think of it as one long MEDITATION – one short therapy session with each person – man or woman you talk to. DO NOT move toward anyone. Get comfortable and stand somewhere, or sit at the bar and smile. NO ALCOHOL.

This is all about you learning to get comfortable in this kind of situation, seeing what happens, using Feeling messages from the first moment, expressing yourself, leaning back, feeling warm, getting into your femininity, into your female parts, talking from your vagina – This will occupy you, so don’t go around looking for a man – have NO EXPECTATIONS except that this is a small step, and that you will be doing this many, many more times.

Dress so YOU FEEL soft and sexy…so that comfort within yourself – even feeling comfortable with your NERVES just radiates out of you with your smile.

If your smile feels forward leaning to you – or like you’re smiling for a REASON instead of just because you feel warm inside and you’re enjoying SOMETHING in the MOMENT – relax your face and start the Rori Raye Dance Position all over again.

This is therapy, not social – okay?  the goal is to LEARN something, about yourself and what works – and not to GET something.

Let me know how it went…

Love, Rori

What is it about getting over a man?  Letting go?  Leaving it be, even without “Closure”?

Here’s part of a comment from Clare – the whole comment is right here->:

“Rori, Is it possible to not be able to get over your first love? It has been 4 years and still I can’t get over the guy whom I first gave my heart & soul to… no there was no sex… but till now, I feel that he is my soul mate. He left me when things got really intense. He had too many other commitments and it was impossible to spend time together. Every time we meet, it would always be tension and silence. But I feel connected with him. Will I ever get over him and find someone whom I can connect with heart and soul? Clare”

I’ve written a lot about the need for “Closure” – Some of us need closure every minute of every day – with everything – it can get to the point of obsessive-compulsive behavior – with needing “closure” about hand-washing, and checking everything 20 times and counting the steps you take to get to the bathroom…and for those of us who go there in our minds only some of the time (we all do it some of the time), it can be going to the same old tape in our heads, over and over again – somehow thinking that returning to the same thought a million times plus one will end the spell and provide, finally, “Closure.”

And that will never happen.

There is no Closure. Wanting Closure is what creates “If Onlies.”  And the “If Onlies” are what keep us stuck, as Clare is, in “What Might Have Been” – instead of “What Is,” and “What Will Be.”

So – what’s one thing Clare can do (and you too, if you’re feeling stuck back with some man from yesterday) to free herself and move forward?

Take him with you.

That’s it.  Plain and simple – don’t TRY to “Let Go.”  Don’t TRY to “Move On.”

Just move forward with your life, do the Tools, Circular Date, Heal Yourself, and TAKE HIM WITH you.

Just put him on the back of your “Horse” (The horse imagery and Tools is in my Heart Connection Toolkit “Plan”) and ride down your Highway Of Love.  Don’t pay attention to him – yeah – he’s pulling on you – but soon enough, an amazing thing will happen.

As you’re riding along, talking with men, learning about yourself and how you STOP yourself from really engaging with and being authentic with – just BEING with – a man, you’ll start to feel excited about your possibilities.

And as you become excited – you’re going to become BORED with this “old” guy sitting on the back of your Horse.

You’re going to get tired of feeding him, and paying attention to him – basically – you’re going to want to kick him off.

You’re going to want him to disappear. You’re going to want him to get lost. You’re going to get weary and irritated with all the energy it takes to keep him ALIVE for you on the back of that horse there.

You’re going to WANT to be free.

You’re going to feel stronger, you’re going to feel more confident, you’re going to trust yourself more, and – yes – you’re going to meet MANY new men.  And as you go along – they’re all going to change.

Instead of looking like toads in comparison to that man on the back of your Horse, the new men you meet and talk to and learn to be YOURSELF with are going to look BETTER than he does.

So let me know when that happens – because it will.

And – guess what – even if you choose to keep him on the back of your Horse – HE will change!

He’ll become your “muse” – he’ll begin to HELP you with these new men.

And instead of “Letting Go” – all you’ll have to do is “Let It Happen.”  And then – everything you truly want WILL happen.

Love, Rori

So – what do you do when it seems he’s “claimed” you – and then he’s gone?

This is a jump-off from Jon’s comment/post (find it here) and a comment from Linda about what Jon said – and, to me, this is one of the most frustrating and common situations I hear about (and, yes, I’ve been through it myself, too) – a man who SEEMS like, and ACTS like he “wants” you “Forever” – but then disappears.  Here’s Linda’s comment and my take on it all:

“Rori, Interesting Post here. I am not sure what to believe anymore. I met a man who for lack of better words he claimed me! It was quite flattering. I (we) were totally ourselves with each other. No struggles simply being with each other. I was wonderful. He told me more than once I completed him. I was a perfect fit, things between us flowed like milk and honey. His man energy was alluring and I fell hook line and sinker. There was not one thing that was out of sync between us. Our emotional connection was our strongest point.

It was always easy to be me. That is who I have always been. I would never become something I wasn’t for a man ever! I am not that desperate and I have to live with myself everyday. I was never insecure or anxious and completely relaxed with him.  So.. in some regard I have experienced what he (Jon) is talking about.

However, it all changed suddenly.!!! and I mean suddenly. As I type this as of a week ago the man who chose me, the man who claimed me, whom I flowed with for two years… is not even talking to me.. says he is not in love with me and loves me as a dear friend! What is up with that!!!??? I find out too he is seeing others via the internet. Which by the way is suggested a great pool to fish from but I have never found a keeper there. They all seem to play games on there and they are all players

When did it all get to be so hard? Who changed the rules here? Does a man become a boy? Or was he a boy just pretending to be a man. I am truly scratching my head here. I totally and without reserve fall in love with a man who totally was into me… and now I am left picking up the pieces of my shattered heart and trying to figure out what the heck is going on. I am down right ANGRY!!!

It seems that somebody is always changing the game and it is us women that are responsible for it in some way because of insecurities etc…. and we have to keep reinventing ourselves. I am tired of it all. When are men ever gonna be held accountable too?”

And here’s my answer:

Linda, so sorry you had to go through this – and here’s my take (perhaps Jon will weigh in here again for the man’s point of view…):

It is not possible to “flow along” with a man for 2 years.  “Claiming you” is not a girlfriend/boyfriend thing – and it has nothing to do with what he SAYS, or how you “click.”

Claiming you is exactly what it says – Marrying you – and Jon puts it very clearly – that if you were to ask a man if he’s going to marry you, he has three possible answers – “Yes, No,” or “I don’t know yet, I have to see you more and know you better.”

The only “Claiming” answer to that question is YES, and the only action to CLOSING THE DEAL of that answer (words are cheap and easy), is MARRYING YOU.

Until that happens, you are only, merely – perhaps joyfully, but still, status-wise – DATING him.  He has logistically left you open to other men, and that’s what you must do – engage with other men.

If a relationship does not get to the marriage part within a year – it tends to dissipate, and the “work” that has to be done to deepen the relationship, without the “forever-afterness” of marriage – just never gets done.

Marriage has a lot of ups and downs.  The process of intimacy can be so scary that we can get stuck all the time – almost in a cycle, or seasonal, or whenever challenges and pain and anger come up.  And it’s the bonds and officialness of marriage that at least give us a fighting chance of working THROUGH those scary, stuck times – within OURSELVES – and getting to a much deeper, richer, more thrilling on all counts relationship.

And even then – it’s so challenging that divorce is common.

WITHOUT the officialness and bonds of marriage – it’s so much MORE challenging to work through the triggers and the pain that are SUPPOSED to come up as you create more and deeper intimacy.  It’s just easier to back away from doing the work on yourself and find someone else and start fresh.

Often, finding “someone else” means an “ex” who conveniently shows up in the middle of your relationship.

That’s why it’s crucial to NEVER GIVE UP your options until you’re CERTAIN this relationship is going all the way to marriage (if that’s what you want) – and then to KNOW, deep in your heart and mind – that marriage is JUST THE BEGINNING.

Love IS a journey.  It’s in relationship with another human being that we grow ourselves, and in the process, a relationship takes on heroic status.  WE become HEROES as we move through this journey.  We are constantly tested.  We go forwards and backwards and sideways.  We confront OURSELVES.  This is not for the faint-of-heart.  Not for the timid.

A man either takes the relationship with you all the way – and commits to the heroic journey of love and wants to travel that journey with YOU – or he doesn’t.

And there’s no way to know until that happens.  2 years is a very long time. It’s a very long time for a man’s “I don’t know yet, I have to see you more and know you better” answer to percolate.  So, while he’s bubbling and thinking, and weighing and ENJOYING YOU at the same time – Do not, please – EVER close down all your options in the belief that “what you have going” is the “real thing.”  It’s not “real” until it really is “real.”

Getting fooled does not make you “stupid.” (Read about Anne Hathaway missing the truth that her man was a CRIMINAL.) It just teaches you to be even more aware of all your instincts and intuitions next time – so that you can learn to observe and experience more deeply while also learning to trust YOURSELF more fully and completely.

Linda, I’m so sorry you discovered this the hard way – and yet I know you’ll be able to use EVERYTHING you learned in this relationship – the great, the good, the bad, the surprises – to get EXACTLY what you want very, very soon.

Love, Rori