Have The Relationship You Want

Let’s replace the “If Onlies” with the “What Ifs” – and then let’s move those “What Ifs” into “AS IFs.”

So – what does this look like?  And even more important – What does this FEEL like?

Let’s just do it and find out for ourselves in our unique ways – and let’s start with the big one:

Step 1: If Only I had the relationship I want with the kind of great man I want…

Let’s take that to:

Step 2: What If I had the relationship I want with the kind of great man I want…

Now – take a moment to settle down into your body and feel what that FEELS like.  Dare to imagine that you HAVE this amazing life you want.

Now let’s take it to the last step:

Step 3: Act AS IF you HAVE this amazing man and relationship, and that it’s a living, breathing, flowing, growing, beautiful thing…

That means – you don’t have to imagine it, it’s already here.  This room you’re standing in is the room you dream about – it just already is.  EXACTLY AS IT IS.  Just accept what’s around you as part of the picture – otherwise your system will reject this step (if you catch yourself resisting and rejecting this As If idea – just go to the Targeting Mr. Right- Power & Self Esteem Category here and do the “Riff”).

If your man is in front of you, just accept HIM as part of the picture, and focus on feeling in your BODY that this is your dream come real.  Just act AS IF.

If you’re in-between men (a GLORIOUS place to be right now – because you can start fresh, hit the ground running and move lightening fast to your dreams – REALLY) just act as if you’re IN the exact relationship you dream about.  Don’t make a big deal out of it – just act as if, simply.  Just do the laundry, wash your face, put on makeup AS IF everything were exactly the way you want it.

You can’t just THINK this – you have to FEEL this, so walk around. Take yourself to the drug store or the market, or work, and just BE the woman who has EVERYTHING.

Just BE that woman.

If you feel silly, or wrong, or stupid, and your Nasty Voice is just kicking in like mad, don’t worry.  Just try to get a few seconds out of Step 3 every time you do it. You don’t need to carry this on for more than a few seconds at a time – every second is like a breakthrough for you – truly.

What we’re trying to do here is slowly build a new reality for your brain. (And our brains are so literal – it’s an easy thing to retrain them! – A brain can’t tell the difference between what we call “real” and what we “make up” in our heads.)

Just move through these 3 steps as often as you can during the day.  For fun – Watch how your Nasty Voice gets all activated and agitated.

Enjoy the Nasty Voice’s discomfort (remember – it’s only getting so loud because you’re MOVING FORWARD – because you’re starting to feel like you DESERVE all the great stuff you truly DO deserve – and the Nasty Voice’s only JOB, the only one it has – to keep you safely tucked inside the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual BOX you’ve ALWAYS been in – feels like it’s in danger every time you do something NICE for yourself).

Let me know how this works for you – I’ll be doing it right along with you, so know I’m right beside you while you HAVE what you want.

Love, Rori

Disgusting as it sounds, apparently January is officially “National Break-Up Month.” My friend Eris Huemer (if you have my Interviews With Relationship Experts CD series, you’re listening this month to the great interview I did with her) told me more relationships end over the Holidays than at any other time…and so I asked her to let me publish this as a guest post:

Can I Win Him Back After He Dumped Me – by Eris Huemer…

We have all, at some point and time, experienced a very bad break-up.

Out of the blue he tells you that he doesn’t want to be in the relationship anymore, or that he’s no longer “in love” with you, or he’ll no longer call or text you 10 times a day, or the worst – he’s seeing someone else (or wants to).

Or, even worse you share a mortgage and kids together!

Suddenly, you feel like your life is over and you’ll never find a guy like him again.

You feel helpless and alone.

I get it. I’ve been there!

One of my new clients, Sheri, just emailed me this letter:

“Dear Eris,

I have been dating this guy for the past 4 months. I am totally in love with him. We got along wonderfully, liked the same things, had similar goals and values. We loved to spend time together. He would call me three times a day and texted and e-mailed more. I met his friends and family. He told me that I was the one for him. I felt that he was the one for me. It seemed as if everything was positive with no negatives.

Then, out of the blue, things began to change. He slowed down on the calls. He didn’t want to see me. So, I called him. He informed me that his friends set him up on a date and he realized that he wasn’t ready to settle down. I said, “What about me and us?!” He informed me that he didn’t have feelings for me and he still needed time to explore.

I was (and still am) devastated.I thought that he was the one. This is so hard because my feelings for him won’t go away. I don’t know what to do. I want to be his friend in the hopes that he will come back to me. I want to win him back. I feel like we are meant to be together.

I cry every day. I can’t sleep at night. I’m trying to keep busy but its not working. We still talk once in a while but he doesn’t want to get together. My hurt doesn’t go away. What can I do to get him back to me? Please Help!!!

Love, Sheri”

I totally know how Sherri feels. I have been there. In fact, the man that I thought was my “soul mate”, ended things without a warning. We were planning our future together and I felt in my heart that he was “the one”. Or, so I thought.

He dumped me without a warning. I was devastated. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t stop crying, and couldn’t manage my life without him.

What was even harder for me to except was the reality was that our relationship was O-V-E-R. He didn’t want to be with me anymore and I had a difficult time understanding why.

That break up was actually what inspired me to write my book

That being said, I suggest to Sheri, and so many other people going through this experience, to write my book Break-Up Emergency, my first step in becoming a relationship expert and helping people heal their broken hearts.

That being said, I suggest to Sheri, and so many other people going through this experience, to not try and win him back. I know how difficult this might be to hear right now – but, the reality is that you are no longer together. All to often when a relationship ends, we dwell on what our ex did, is doing, or how to win them back.

This is NOT a good idea.

For now, I suggest that you erase his number, don’t text, e-mail, IM, drive by his house, show up where he goes, etc. (trust me, I know because I have been there).

During this time of healing your broken heart, you might experience fear, confusion, and intense emotions. I know that I did. If you do, I suggest that you write down or put a voice to whatever you are feeling, figure out what you can do about it, and do it. If you focus on healing your broken heart and set it as your most important intention right now, you will.

If you are meant to be together it will happen – eventually. But, not because you make it happen. (Trust me, there are no magical or manipulative tools that you can use to win him back.) The only thing you can do is take care of YOU, get YOUR power back, and become a strong individual.

Once you heal and become strong within yourself and get a hold of your feminine, you will give yourself the opportunity to attract a man who will give you the love that you want and deserve.

Many times we need to go through difficult experiences in order to change. So, the good news is that your relationship ending does not mean that your life is over. It means that it is about to begin!

Start reflecting on yourself and take an honest look at yourself in the mirror. You can use this Break UP experience and make it a Break THROUGH.

I love Eris, and I think she’s great – and she knows about breakups and how to change your life for the better after one…she’s doing a 6 week teleclass starting January 26th, and I absolutely wanted to let you know about it – she’s going to walk you through Step-By-Step how to heal your broken heart and Transform your Break UP into a Break THROUGH – so you can (like the title of her terrific new book)  go from Break UP to Break THROUGH AND BEYOND.  You can find out more about the teleclass here->

Let me know if you’d like more posts from me around what to do about a breakup – my work is about getting you back on your horse and Circular Dating as quickly as possible – and sometimes you need an extra boost to get your energy away from any one man and back where it belongs – on YOU.

Love, Rori

I got this article from my friend Allana Pratt - The Sexy Mom Expert – and I thought it was terrific, so I asked if I could use it as a guest post answering the question:

How Do I Feel Sexy Right Now – Even Though My Man Hasn’t Arrived Yet?

Allana says:

While a nice warm sexy body is the best… a big part of what we like about having our partner is how it makes us feel to have them in our life. WE become alive knowing we have someone to see us, receive us, someone to give to, receive from… well, what I do when I’m single is remember that the Divine Masculine is always there, Existence itself is always there AND I play little games with myself to feel full from the inside out.

For example, I dance as if I was dancing for him, perhaps I close my eyes and imagine what he’s saying or doing and I truly enjoy the feelings of being adored and appreciated. It makes me feel powerful to know “he” thinks I’m gorgeous.

In reality, if I dance for an alter to my Beloved, I trust that wherever he is, he’s being fed by my dance energetically and I intend that it’s bringing him closer as I yearn to see his face and touch him for the first time.

Then as I make my way throughout the day, I go to the coffee shop feeling like I had just been made love to and that he’s shopping to make me dinner that very night. You see I get to believe whatever I want. I get to have whatever thoughts I want. And the result of acting as if I’m already full and in love

1. Makes me full and happy!
2. Dissolves neediness
3. Makes me look radiant and juicy and
4. is far more likely to attract a man that can fulfill me that much!

There is a time for being sad if your inner little girl needs some attention and there’s no need being totally alone if you’re single.

Please! Enjoy your girlfriends, your family, your kids and flirting!!!

Being at peace alone now also supports you for when you’re in the relationship and he needs some guy time or you crave some alone time… you’ve found your balance and are confident and sassy and alluring.

As I get more tips from Allana on this topic of feeling sensual and sexual and SEXY no matter what – I’ll ask to publish them for you (especially real-world tips on how to handle dating if you’re a single-mother).

You can find Allana at AllanaPratt.com, and her new site HowToBeAndStaySexy.com

Try this, and let me know how it works for you…

Love, Rori

Okay, I’m officially blown away.  I can’t believe how brilliant you all are – how totally brave and amazing, and as i read your comments – you just have no idea how fast you’re moving- like lightening.  You’re blazing across the sky.  I can see from here – and I know it’s harder to see it when you’re in the middle of it.

I wanted to make sure everyone saw this comment from Daria, so I turned it to a post. Daria – you’re like a poster child for Circular Dating – this is what it’s all about – and what you’ve been able to do here is just phenomenal – I’ve pulled it apart and made comments so it’s almost a “How-To”:

“Ok So I just had a SUPER PRACTICE DATE! I was doing my “riffing” … and all of a sudden a guy I don’t know calls me to tell me that another guy who was trying to see me (that I don’t really feel attracted to) GAVE him my number…

1. One man actually BROUGHT a BETTER man TO her

… so I was going to the gym RIGHT THEN in his neighborhood so I told him I’d be done at the gym at 5 30 and he called me…

2.  This new man followed through and called at the time he said he would…

…so I went to meet him nearby… we drove around in his car (fun for me…yes some might think is weird) and hung out… and talked… and made out!

3. Driving around in a car is a perfectly fine and time-honored way to spend time with a man.

Ok here’s what I learned:

I kept looking him in the eye… and he was like Whoa… and then he tried to stare at me without breaking eye contact and I kept doing it (I was feeling very confident) while allowing my facial expression to change as my feelings were changing… we wound up looking away at the same time and he said NO GIRL does that or can do that and that is amazing (LOL he seemed like he was falling for me).

I got REALLY triggered and uncomfortable right before and during making out when the idea of sex came up in my head! I always do this! I get triggered by sex “stuff” I just realized that! And I wanted to ask him something about it or tell him something I wanted (and I felt I Couldn’t because I was so triggered it was like being silenced!!! ) So I kept trying to follow my feelings and finally did say it awkwardly and we wound up totally laughing because he said THATs what you wanted to ask… and proceeded to say back to me all the things I had said to beat around the bush (because I felt afraid to express it)… I felt embarrassed and so relieved.

I totally focused on myself and my feelings! A lot of times with guys I feel good and sexy and sometimes nervous and triggered or drifting off however I followed my feelings and stared at my own thigh, rubbed my fingers together a la modern Siren and let the silences BE… I could actually FEEL the lean back mode vs. the lean forward.. Oh and this DROVE HIM CRAZY I MEAN he got really into me (as do other men when I do the lean back). What was cool this time is that I could actually keep my thoughts focused on “What am I feeling?” “Tense in my thigh, tight in my head?” instead of “should I say it’s time to go” “what is he thinking” or anything else… YAY my focus on self muscle is building…

4.  She is “Riffing” – following her feelings, following the Rori Raye Mantra “Trust Your Boundaries, Follow Your Feelings, Choose Your Words, Be Surprised,” and by hanging in with this man, who seems to be ABLE to stay connected to her and really relate, is right there with her.  She’s learning about herself and DRAWING IN the man at the same time!

I totally got triggered and got told I HAVE AN ANGER PROBLEM! ME! SILENT ME HAS AN ANGER PROBLEM! It turns out that I’m not so silent as I thought I was, I just don’t notice it about myself because I’m so used to it! I got triggered when we started talking about seeing each other and I told him I don’t want to drive to him and he said he doesn’t think that’s fair … and I said…… F it then, don’t come pick me up! … Now I thought this was totally valid and a normal casual thing for me to say!

I was DEFENDING myself ! NO NO NO! That is not the thing to say Daria! I feel So EXCITED I caught myself! Even though it seems like NO BIG DEAL to me… it is to a man! He thought I had an ANGER problem! YAY! This is great because I can totally notice it now and say… I feel angry! YAY!

When I feel ANGRY! BOY! I Feel like running out of there… making casual sarcastic comments that sound like anger problems… and often I feel SCARED! Yes I felt scared he was going to hit me (never gave an indication of even considering it, didn’t even raise his voice) I FEEL this a LOT with men! It’s like I start looking at their arm and flinching and feeling scared they will hit me! Well this time instead of just getting triggered and doing what I automatically do – I SAID: “I feel SCARED… sometimes with men when we are not on the same page I feel afraid of being hit or something!” WEll…. that felt so relieving to say… my fear instantly vanished! He made a crinkled brow face and said he would never do that…. I feel so glad to see this is a TRIGGER for me! YES!

5. Pretty powerful.  Daria is Riffing to HERSELF, and yet able to EXPRESS in words to this man what’s going on with her in a SIMPLE WAY.  Again, she’s LEARNING about herself and building a deepening connection with this man at the same time.

So In conclusion I realized I get triggered by being approached for physical intimacy, asking for physical or sexual things I want, disagreeing with a man. I want to “flow” these through and I believe I will have reached super sex-pot goddess status although even right now I feel very sexy goddessy and high status…”

6.  The whole experience, because she totally stuck with the 6E’s, was worth about 20 sessions of therapy – and it was FREE! She not only learned about things, she worked with them in the presence of this man, and ended up feeling FANTASTIC about herself!

I hope this gives you hope – and Daria – I want you to see how amazingly you’re doing – and let this carry you over the rough parts when they show up. Just know this was a transcendent, breakthrough experience for you- a totally new level of skills for you…and I’m glued to hearing about your next experiences.

Love, Rori