Have The Relationship You Want

What can you learn from a movie?

My whole life, I’ve been learning from actresses on the big screen (and on TV, too.) - not from who they are in their real lives - but from the characters they portray - and from the sheer fearlessness of how they portray them.

I see them open up their emotions and let us see inside them - and know how thrilling that is - and so I know that if I do it, too, it will be thrilling for someone else.

I see need and desperation, rage, frustration, depression, shyness, low self-esteem and imperiousness.  I see women characters bear themselves like royalty, and I see them fold their bodies around themselves like servants. I see women characters in all kinds of situations behaving in all kinds of ways.  I see loving and caring, wacky, and completely self-involved.

On the screen, in a story - I can see what all that LOOKS like.

I can be inspired.

So - let’s be inspired by these characters in He’s Just Not Into You (not by the actresses - we all know they struggle in their lives just like we do…though some are very helpful to follow) - but by the characters.

Let’s start with the Jennifer Aniston character - I’ll describe her and the lesson she brings in one word: Dignity.

The hallmark of this movie is how every female character is so brave.  So willing to change directions, to learn, to start fresh - to hear the TRUTH.  They don’t flinch.  When they get helpful information, they act on it, they learn.

In Jennifer Aniston’s case, she’s been living for 7 years with Ben Affleck in a wonderful, easy, fun, communicative, lovely relationship - but he “doesn’t believe in marriage.”

Like all of us - she doesn’t believe him.  She believes that it’s only a matter of time, that he’ll come around - all the things we’ve been taught to believe and to go on.  In the movie, they set this up as a fantastic relationship, and I do know of one woman in a similar situation (with a fabulous relationship) - but most of the time, after just 2 years, if marriage isn’t on the table the relationship usually isn’t actually going very well in the day to day.

As the Ginnifer Goodwin character starts to learn more about men and relationships from her “friend” (played by Justin Long), and share what she’s learning with her girlfriends (Aniston and Connelly), she starts to talk about the stories we women have been told - and how totally bogus and wrong they are.  She starts to talk about the truth - that with a man, most of the time, what you see is what you get.

There’s not a lot of underlying stuff around why he doesn’t call, why he doesn’t marry, why he’s being distant…a man basically does what he wants.

And so Aniston finally hears the truth - that if her man says doesn’t want to marry her - he…doesn’t want to marry her.

And so she actually asks him directly.  And when she realizes it’s not going to happen, she breaks up with him. And she does it in a hugely dignified way - a way of taking care of herself, instead of trying to make HIM wrong.

She endures humiliation, and discomfort, and loneliness, and all kinds of things - and she never, ever falls into neediness or desperation.  And then Ben shows up for her.  He shows up for her in such a huge way, she makes a decision.  It’s not a traditional decision.  It’s not a decision she would have planned, but she makes a decision to do it Ben’s way, because of all the good things about their relationship.

And you can see, right there, that she’s not just “saying” it.  She means she’ll never talk about marriage again.  She’s made a decision of her own free will, and will not ever blame him for how her life goes.

Just watch how she carries herself, how she never Leans in, how she never makes him wrong, how she never starts a fight.  Notice how she never gets “cold” - how she always stays warm and open - no matter what happens. She’s coming from a place where she believes in herself.

Now, we know, in life - her situation would be incredibly painful, and just keeping ourselves together would not be as smooth as Aniston makes it out to be (and we all know that Jennifer Aniston has been through it as bad as anyone - if you add in her experience with the end of her marriage and relationships since being so public - her love life experiences seem a whole lot worse than what most of us have to go through…) - so she created this character either from who she really is or from how she’d LIKE to be, and either way, she couldn’t have done it if she didn’t have that dignity IN her - and so we ALL do.

So - here’s how to do Dignity without going “cold”:

1. Lean back. Pull your energy back into yourself from wherever it is.

That means - if you’re thinking about a man - stop, and focus on your insides, how you feel, the knot in your stomach.

If you’re remembering and reliving a painful moment with a man - notice you’re doing it, and pull the energy away from the image and back to your body - your shoulders, your heart, your pelvis.  Pull the energy back into you. Now…

2. Imagine you’re a fairy princess, or a goddess, or an angel or a warrior or a queen, and that you’re made of gold and diamonds.  Imagine the heaviness of your golden, diamond-covered self.

Let the weight of you sink into the floor.  Let yourself feel your substance, your emotional and energetic importance, how you matter, how you’re grounded in the earth, how important it is that you are where you are, that you exist. Now…

3. Breathe.

Experience what it feels like to be so important and dignified.  What it feels like to be responsible for yourself.  What it feels like to know you can count on yourself, no matter what.  Imagine what Dignity feels like.

Imagine others looking at you, in your gold and diamonds, in your substance and importance, and imagine them admiring you.

Experience what it feels like to feel dignified while you are being admired, and keep breathing.

If you feel yourself starting to float away or emotionally go away, don’t fight it, just sink into yourself and the earth even more deeply.  Sink into your pelvis, and feel the weight of you in the center of your body, in your pelvis. Now…

4. As fairy princess, goddess, angel, warrior, queen, with emotional weight and important substance…practice this feeling of Dignity all throughout the day.

Whatever happens that would normally throw you off - unpleasant feelings, embarrassment, anything anyone else does or says in your presence - let it go through you - take it in, breathe, and do this Tool.

You are dignified. Settle into yourself. Settle into your Dignity.

Let me know how this feels for you, Love, Rori

Have you ever felt small and blue? Frustrated and lonely and even a bit lost?

Is this something we can fix?  Or is it simply part of being a human being?

For me, it’s not what happens, or how we feel - but what we do with that.  What we CHOOSE to do next, when we have a choice. And so much of what happens next for us depends on whether or not we THINK we have a choice.

If we don’t, then we let life push us around, lead us around, confuse us, make us happy or unhappy.  When we’re up, we’re up, when we’re down, we’re down.  But mostly we feel at the mercy of what happens.  We lose the feeling of being in charge of ourselves.  We think we’re on a boat with no one at the helm, afraid to grab the wheel ourselves for fear we’ll do something wrong, steer ourselves wrong.

We go through transitions from one feeling state to another, from one circumstance to another.  So often we let life act on us, instead of acting for our life - let what happens determine our vision for ourselves instead of letting our visions lead us in the direction of the vision.

I just saw “He’s Just Not That Into You” - and it’s a great movie.  There’s just so much here I can use to hang Tools on, to make things clear, to illustrate scenarios and outcomes and the why and what and how of getting what we want in this life.  About lies and how they’ve run our lives. How being emotionally vulnerable is the most powerful way to be on this planet. About the nature of Truth, and what’s important about it.

Mostly - how to simply be open to hearing the Truth - even if we’re not sure what the Truth is.  About fearlessness, and how to be there.

So, I want to follow the characters in this great movie and pull out all the lessons, explore how all my Tools will work in each of these moments - so I’ll call the characters by the actors’ names for clarity - here’s the list (Oh - I don’t want this to be a spoiler - I’ll try to leave out the endings - yet you’ll get more out of it if you see the movie before you read these posts):

Ginnifer Goodwin plays the naive, sweet, open woman who’s been filled with all the bad advice and untruths we’ve all been fed, and struggling mightily to get what she wants even though she’s going about it all in the wrong way.

Jennifer Connelly plays the quirky, interesting wife in a crumbling marriage that’s missing both communication and sex.

Jennifer Aniston plays a woman in a great 7 year live-in relationship with a good man (Ben Affleck) who doesn’t want to marry.

Scarlett Johansson plays a gorgeous, sexy woman with talent and ambition as a singer who falls for a married man (Jennifer Connelly’s husband) and creates a huge mess that actually turns out well for everyone but the husband.

Drew Barrymore plays a sweet, smart, naive, hopeful woman who runs a business well and is struggling with dating online, with messaging - phone, text and social networking, and sees so much good in everyone, she can’t take good care of herself emotionally

The men: - we’ll get to them later.

I’m going to start in the next post with the Jennifer Aniston character - I’ll try to leave out the endings and how things turn out, and focus on what we can learn here.

Let me know which character you identify with - and that will help me write in even more depth…

Love, Rori