Have The Relationship You Want

What can you learn from a movie?

My whole life, I’ve been learning from actresses on the big screen (and on TV, too.) – not from who they are in their real lives – but from the characters they portray – and from the sheer fearlessness of how they portray them.

I see them open up their emotions and let us see inside them – and know how thrilling that is – and so I know that if I do it, too, it will be thrilling for someone else.

I see need and desperation, rage, frustration, depression, shyness, low self-esteem and imperiousness.  I see women characters bear themselves like royalty, and I see them fold their bodies around themselves like servants. I see women characters in all kinds of situations behaving in all kinds of ways.  I see loving and caring, wacky, and completely self-involved.

On the screen, in a story – I can see what all that LOOKS like.

I can be inspired.

So – let’s be inspired by these characters in He’s Just Not Into You (not by the actresses – we all know they struggle in their lives just like we do…though some are very helpful to follow) – but by the characters.

Let’s start with the Jennifer Aniston character – I’ll describe her and the lesson she brings in one word: Dignity.

The hallmark of this movie is how every female character is so brave.  So willing to change directions, to learn, to start fresh – to hear the TRUTH.  They don’t flinch.  When they get helpful information, they act on it, they learn.

In Jennifer Aniston’s case, she’s been living for 7 years with Ben Affleck in a wonderful, easy, fun, communicative, lovely relationship – but he “doesn’t believe in marriage.”

Like all of us – she doesn’t believe him.  She believes that it’s only a matter of time, that he’ll come around – all the things we’ve been taught to believe and to go on.  In the movie, they set this up as a fantastic relationship, and I do know of one woman in a similar situation (with a fabulous relationship) – but most of the time, after just 2 years, if marriage isn’t on the table the relationship usually isn’t actually going very well in the day to day.

As the Ginnifer Goodwin character starts to learn more about men and relationships from her “friend” (played by Justin Long), and share what she’s learning with her girlfriends (Aniston and Connelly), she starts to talk about the stories we women have been told – and how totally bogus and wrong they are.  She starts to talk about the truth – that with a man, most of the time, what you see is what you get.

There’s not a lot of underlying stuff around why he doesn’t call, why he doesn’t marry, why he’s being distant…a man basically does what he wants.

And so Aniston finally hears the truth – that if her man says doesn’t want to marry her – he…doesn’t want to marry her.

And so she actually asks him directly.  And when she realizes it’s not going to happen, she breaks up with him. And she does it in a hugely dignified way – a way of taking care of herself, instead of trying to make HIM wrong.

She endures humiliation, and discomfort, and loneliness, and all kinds of things – and she never, ever falls into neediness or desperation.  And then Ben shows up for her.  He shows up for her in such a huge way, she makes a decision.  It’s not a traditional decision.  It’s not a decision she would have planned, but she makes a decision to do it Ben’s way, because of all the good things about their relationship.

And you can see, right there, that she’s not just “saying” it.  She means she’ll never talk about marriage again.  She’s made a decision of her own free will, and will not ever blame him for how her life goes.

Just watch how she carries herself, how she never Leans in, how she never makes him wrong, how she never starts a fight.  Notice how she never gets “cold” – how she always stays warm and open – no matter what happens. She’s coming from a place where she believes in herself.

Now, we know, in life – her situation would be incredibly painful, and just keeping ourselves together would not be as smooth as Aniston makes it out to be (and we all know that Jennifer Aniston has been through it as bad as anyone – if you add in her experience with the end of her marriage and relationships since being so public – her love life experiences seem a whole lot worse than what most of us have to go through…) – so she created this character either from who she really is or from how she’d LIKE to be, and either way, she couldn’t have done it if she didn’t have that dignity IN her – and so we ALL do.

So – here’s how to do Dignity without going “cold”:

1. Lean back. Pull your energy back into yourself from wherever it is.

That means – if you’re thinking about a man – stop, and focus on your insides, how you feel, the knot in your stomach.

If you’re remembering and reliving a painful moment with a man – notice you’re doing it, and pull the energy away from the image and back to your body – your shoulders, your heart, your pelvis.  Pull the energy back into you. Now…

2. Imagine you’re a fairy princess, or a goddess, or an angel or a warrior or a queen, and that you’re made of gold and diamonds.  Imagine the heaviness of your golden, diamond-covered self.

Let the weight of you sink into the floor.  Let yourself feel your substance, your emotional and energetic importance, how you matter, how you’re grounded in the earth, how important it is that you are where you are, that you exist. Now…

3. Breathe.

Experience what it feels like to be so important and dignified.  What it feels like to be responsible for yourself.  What it feels like to know you can count on yourself, no matter what.  Imagine what Dignity feels like.

Imagine others looking at you, in your gold and diamonds, in your substance and importance, and imagine them admiring you.

Experience what it feels like to feel dignified while you are being admired, and keep breathing.

If you feel yourself starting to float away or emotionally go away, don’t fight it, just sink into yourself and the earth even more deeply.  Sink into your pelvis, and feel the weight of you in the center of your body, in your pelvis. Now…

4. As fairy princess, goddess, angel, warrior, queen, with emotional weight and important substance…practice this feeling of Dignity all throughout the day.

Whatever happens that would normally throw you off – unpleasant feelings, embarrassment, anything anyone else does or says in your presence – let it go through you – take it in, breathe, and do this Tool.

You are dignified. Settle into yourself. Settle into your Dignity.

Let me know how this feels for you, Love, Rori

Have you ever felt small and blue? Frustrated and lonely and even a bit lost?

Is this something we can fix?  Or is it simply part of being a human being?

For me, it’s not what happens, or how we feel – but what we do with that.  What we CHOOSE to do next, when we have a choice. And so much of what happens next for us depends on whether or not we THINK we have a choice.

If we don’t, then we let life push us around, lead us around, confuse us, make us happy or unhappy.  When we’re up, we’re up, when we’re down, we’re down.  But mostly we feel at the mercy of what happens.  We lose the feeling of being in charge of ourselves.  We think we’re on a boat with no one at the helm, afraid to grab the wheel ourselves for fear we’ll do something wrong, steer ourselves wrong.

We go through transitions from one feeling state to another, from one circumstance to another.  So often we let life act on us, instead of acting for our life – let what happens determine our vision for ourselves instead of letting our visions lead us in the direction of the vision.

I just saw “He’s Just Not That Into You” – and it’s a great movie.  There’s just so much here I can use to hang Tools on, to make things clear, to illustrate scenarios and outcomes and the why and what and how of getting what we want in this life.  About lies and how they’ve run our lives. How being emotionally vulnerable is the most powerful way to be on this planet. About the nature of Truth, and what’s important about it.

Mostly – how to simply be open to hearing the Truth – even if we’re not sure what the Truth is.  About fearlessness, and how to be there.

So, I want to follow the characters in this great movie and pull out all the lessons, explore how all my Tools will work in each of these moments – so I’ll call the characters by the actors’ names for clarity – here’s the list (Oh – I don’t want this to be a spoiler – I’ll try to leave out the endings – yet you’ll get more out of it if you see the movie before you read these posts):

Ginnifer Goodwin plays the naive, sweet, open woman who’s been filled with all the bad advice and untruths we’ve all been fed, and struggling mightily to get what she wants even though she’s going about it all in the wrong way.

Jennifer Connelly plays the quirky, interesting wife in a crumbling marriage that’s missing both communication and sex.

Jennifer Aniston plays a woman in a great 7 year live-in relationship with a good man (Ben Affleck) who doesn’t want to marry.

Scarlett Johansson plays a gorgeous, sexy woman with talent and ambition as a singer who falls for a married man (Jennifer Connelly’s husband) and creates a huge mess that actually turns out well for everyone but the husband.

Drew Barrymore plays a sweet, smart, naive, hopeful woman who runs a business well and is struggling with dating online, with messaging – phone, text and social networking, and sees so much good in everyone, she can’t take good care of herself emotionally

The men: – we’ll get to them later.

I’m going to start in the next post with the Jennifer Aniston character – I’ll try to leave out the endings and how things turn out, and focus on what we can learn here.

Let me know which character you identify with – and that will help me write in even more depth…

Love, Rori

EVERYTHING works ORGANICALLY.

LOVE and Relationship work organically.

That means – from the inside.
That means – from your soul.

When you are down and depressed, it’s as though you’ve lost the connection to your soul, as though a blanket of numb has fallen across the cells of your being…

And this is where you need to take 3 actions:
1. Going further down into the sorrow, pain and rage, and
2. Actively allowing yourself to be moved with Good-Feeling feelings while you’re down there – like simply feeling moved to be alive…
3. Taking a step – any step – to explore the potential of any glimmer of good feeling.

A totally excellent way to do this step three is by volunteering to help others – and that’s what the impetus is here – and yet – remember I put a ban on giving advice from your masculine selves here – so -
Let’s branch out.  Let’s answer the question:

How can I help others, how can I make a contribution, how can I LIFT MYSELF UP so that I can make the biggest contribution?

In other words, feeling down gets you nowhere, if that’s where you’re choosing to live – and yet exploring your “down” is the only way UP!

This is the 6E’s of my Targeting Mr. Right Program and Modern Siren program – this is using ALL the Tools, and not just one side, all the 7 Steps of Commitment Blueprint, and not just one – and I believe, with all my heart that you are ALL doing this!

You are PROCESSING…You go down into your dark feelings, and then connect with hope and love, and come back up higher.

Just don’t forget to CHANNEL.  This is a crucial step…and I can feel, from the arc of almost everyone’s work here that you are all moving forward.  The more you move forward, the more you deepen the learning – that’s just the way it looks.

What I want for you is a feeling of “buoyancy” – where you feel like however deep you go, you’ll bounce back up to the surface and see and feel and experience how gorgeous everything around you is, including and most especially your own aliveness.

I’m going to do a bit about nutrition here – because sometimes that can hugely effect our bodies, hearts, minds…

So let’s try this:  Everyone stop eating sugar for one week with me.  Stop.

Let’s see what this does for your bodies (let me know) and let’s see what following through with something good for you triggers in you.

Everyone eat yogurt and/or take probiotics (any store has them) for one week, and let’s see what this does for you…

And let’s focus on Channeling this week – that means DOING things that feel good, experiencing your limits and your boundaries and your power, saying No to what doesn’t feel good, and saying Yes to what Does feel good.

Let’s balance your riffing with LOVING everything, and let’s put more weight on the good feelings you encounter, and then quickly move to a channeling item.

Bethany – you’re moving so fast through things – making choices now that feel good instead of feeling stuck in situations – you’re starting to feel more powerful.

Mercedes – just doing what you think might work in a relationship is not the answer.  it’s the experiencing of it that makes the difference.

Go see “He’s Just Not That Into You” – it’s terrific.  Watch the progress of the Ginnifer Goodwin character (you can see how much deeper and calmer and less needy and more on her own side she becomes with knowledge and practice) and the dignity of Jennifer Aniston’s character – very inspirational.  I’ll put up a series of posts about it.

Love, Rori

Here’s a lovely guest post by Tina Tobin of www.LuvemOrLeaveem.com

At some point everyone meets a couple that is so obviously not going to last that the biggest surprise is often how long it takes for the couple to realize that their relationship has been perched like a house of cards from day one. There are many couples that this can happen to, but I have definitely noticed certain patterns. I have divided these couples into categories which I believe are the types of relationships that were destined to fail from the start.

The “We Do Everything Together Couple”- Once you’re past your teen years, it’s no longer cute if you can’t do anything without the man in your life. In fact, it’s down right annoying to the people who know you and it’s a big red flag that this relationship is not right. I once knew a woman who brought her husband to Mom’s Night Out. We were all shocked at such sacrilege as she shrugged and said that they did everything together. We did our best to continue with this “man” at the table.

It was entertaining when he squirmed as we chatted about breast feeding and it was hilarious when he nearly choked as one of the moms made an inappropriate remark about wanting to hire the waiter as a pool boy (she doesn’t actually have a pool.) But despite these brief moments of entertainment we did not want a repeat and we “accidentally” removed her from the call list.

A few years later they filed for divorce. She said “they felt smothered by each other.” I don’t how they stayed together so long. It may have taken them all that time to alienate everyone they knew with their joined-at-the-hip routine, but this is the type of relationship that at least one member of the couple will tire of at some point.

The Volcano Couple- This couple can also be called the “We never fight” couple. Never or rarely fighting is good if it evolves from having arguments and learning to pick your battles. If it just comes from trying to avoid arguing or a fear of confrontation, then it is sure to be the start of a explosion that is gaining momentum under the surface. These are the kind of couples that seemed perfectly happy the entire time you knew them and then one day it suddenly ends. Once it ends there’s so much built up resentment that they seem to hate everything about each other, from the way they acted at their wedding ten years ago to the way they squeeze the tube of toothpaste from the top instead of the bottom.

The “We Have Nothing in Common” Couple- Yes, opposites attract, but you need to have things in common to make a relationship work. It’s good to be opposites in some ways. For example, I’m a saver and my husband’s a spender. I make sure he doesn’t bury us in debt and he makes sure that we have fun with our earnings.

It works wells that we handle money differently, but we definitely have more things in common than not. Often couples that may seem to have nothing in common discover that they do have many things in common once they get to know each other a little better. If after a few months with someone you are both still giggling about how you have nothing in common it is just a matter of time before you have a break-up in common.

The “Look at Us” couple- This couple is on a mission to have everyone admire them. They come in many varieties. They may focus on looking perfect together, letting everyone know how successful their careers are, or letting everyone know how in love they are (which usually involves way more details than we want to know.) No matter which variety they are, their focus is to look good to the outside world above all else.

I’ve seen the ultra successful couples last for a few years, but it always ends and they seem to come out of the relationships thoroughly exhausted. That’s no surprise really, it’s hard enough work making a long term relationship last when you focus on just the two of you. When you add the pressure of trying to impress everyone, it’s just too much for one couple to handle.

So there’s my list of the couples that I believe are a failed relationship just waiting to happen. I know that there are many other types, but these are the ones that I seem to come across most often in my little corner of the world. Please feel free to comment about the types of couples that I have listed, or about the types of couples that you think are most likely to fail.

I really enjoy Tina’s site, and I liked her idea here of a “couple.” We’re so used to seeing only our side of things when there’s conflict and difficulty – and it really does take two to make an unhealthy relationship.  What you can see here is a total lack of communication, a lack of telling the truth…and it’s interesting to see Tina’s take on what all this looks like from the “outside.” Love, Rori