Have The Relationship You Want

Are you disgusted with men?

Are you faced with the thought of dating men who are “sub-par” - and it feels icky?

I’ve experienced this a lot in my life, so I know what you’re feeling when you write me that you had a date with a man, and he only talked about himself, and wasn’t curious about you, and seemed awkward, and you just weren’t attracted to him AT ALL - and your question is - “What do I do now?  Do I continue to date him, or…what?”

If you’re Circular Dating - I hope you gave him a chance, got curious yourself, looked at him as a messenger and listened and looked for his message - and still, I need to tell you when “enough is enough.”

Here’s the IMPORTANT deal here.  I don’t want you to just “go along” with a man who’s behavior doesn’t FEEL GOOD.

I don’t want you to ONLY Listen at Level 2 and then IGNORE your own inner FEELINGS.  NEVER!!!!

I want you to PRACTICE Listening at Level 2 WHILE you are continually, constantly, never-endingly in touch with your heart and your body, and the general way you’re feeling.

And I want you to PRACTICE Speaking the Truth of your heart, your body, your feelings.

The whole point of Circular Dating is for you to PRACTICE on a man - even if he talks so much you can’t “get a word in edgewise” and aren’t attracted to him.   A man always shows up with a Message - and often, that Message, and the Free Therapy of it - is for you to finally learn how to SPEAK about this - about what’s really going on.

Here’s a scenario and something you might try: Let’s say he’s talking a blue streak and isn’t making eye contact with you, and barely seems interested in you as a person at all. Let’s say that after listening for 15 minutes and feeling completely irrelevant to him and unheard - you SAY -

“I’m feeling weird here.”

Pause (give him a chance to care and ask you what that’s about…).

“I’m feeling unheard.”

Pause.

“I don’t feel important here, the listening feels like it’s all going one way here, and though I’m enjoying your stories and hearing about you, I’m starting to feel like a listening post and not a person.  What do you think?”

Pause.

I want you to write down your own words around a situation like this.  Write your own variations for each situation in which you feel “stuck” with a man you don’t “like.”

And remember - This is what he’s doing there with you!  This is WHY he showed up! To give you a particular Message, and a particular Lesson.

Almost always - the Message and the Lesson is centered around THIS: To  teach you, and to give you an opportunity to practice Telling the Truth - quickly, and kindly, and in Feeling Messages.

Go back over all the conversations you can think of where you sat in silence or “tolerated” something you wish you hadn’t - and redo them on paper this way.

See how that feels, and let me know.  This is a great topic, and we’ll do more with it.

Love, Rori

Lisa is suffering after a breakup with her man of 10 years, and she’s feeling the way we’d all feel in this situation.  I want to jump off of her comment (sorry - I lost the link, but here’s the whole comment) and help her (and you, too) with some direction. (This will be the beginning of a bunch of “Road Trip” posts)…

“Dear Rori, My partner of 10 years left me 5 months ago. I won’t even consider dating. I am shy and feel like my life is a mess. I don’t know what I want out of life. I want a family and want to be the best mother I can be, but that chance may have left me with my ex. But he wasn’t sure if he wanted children (I think he does, but is just not ready).

I am doing my best to get on with life, but I have zero confidence. I can’t even look some people in the eye for more than a second. While I was with my ex I wasn’t like that. I was shy, yes, but not to this point.

I’m looking into that and other areas of my life.

But really, what I want the most is for him to come back. I do love him. It’s not about just having ’someone’. I thought he was the one. Lisa”

And here’s my answer:

Lisa, Welcome, and I hear your pain - and I want to give you a push our of your stuck place.

The answer for you IS dating.  I’m sorry, but it is.

You are in the midst of a major choice - to stay in this place of “no confidence” and “misery” - or to slowly, step-by-step move and grow your way out of it into the sunlight and the fabulous life you deserve.

For most of us - it works this way - because we can’t have things the way we want INSTANTANEOUSLY - sort of Instant Gratification - we’re afraid to embark on the journey.  We’re like kids in the car on a road trip going “Are we there yet?” every 5 minutes.

You have to learn to love the road.  That’s what my Tools will do for you, that’s what Circular Dating will do for you.

You have to begin.  We’re all here to support you every step of the way - and just reading here, you’ll find exactly what these steps are, what they look like, and how much better things can get in the process.

The steps and the outcomes and the results, no matter how wonderful or weird don’t often look the way we thought they would…but they’re a crucial part of the road trip…go for it, no matter how you’re feeling…

Here’s a link to one of my favorite articles for you about this…The Highway of Love…it will inspire you…

Love, Rori