Have The Relationship You Want

Yes you are. You are gifted.

We’re all gifted in some way, and we all dismiss our gifts.

Instead of building on what we have that’s unique and special (calling Mr. Rogers here) – we yearn for what someone else has.

It doesn’t work that way.

So – let’s make a list of your gifts:

Are you especially sensitive to others? Are you emotionally sensitive?  Can you hear things and read between the lines and feel what someone else is feeling?

Do you see things and notice things other people aren’t always so aware of?

Are you attracted to beautiful things and like to tinker with things to make them more beautiful?

How do you like to express yourself? Your mind, your heart, your body?

Make a list of your everyday “habits” – the way you do things, the way you think, the way you organize things in your mind and around you.

Perhaps you have a style?  A way of being in the world you’ve never even thought about?  A way of walking.  The shoes you wear, the movies you like, the things you read.

Take an inventory of what things look like to you and what you have around you.

Take everything that you write down that gives you pleasure as a GIFT.

Now – let’s see how we can expand on THOSE!

Share with me your lists of your GIFTS -  (copy and paste them into the comments so you have your lists at home to put on your mirror with your Channeling lists) – and we’ll explore how to make the most out of them.

You are a gift to yourself, to me, to the world, to a man.  And the more we appreciate our own gifts, the more we can let in a man with gifts for us…so let’s rock this.

Love, Rori

The Scarlett Johansson character here was the hardest for me to write about.

That’s because at her age (and into many, many years) – I could never dream of having the self-confidence she had.

Scarlett is able to feel, to Leanback, to sink into herself, to speak her feelings. She has the boundaries to let a man have it when his behavior is unconscionable, feels beautiful and sexy and enjoys that about herself – and yet has the lack of life experience and general ethics that allow her to get involved with a married man.

I didn’t like her – not because of her behavior, but because I couldn’t identify with her easily.

And part of that, I realized is that she’s the kind of girl I always admired and never thought I could be.

She was the one who only cared about herself – and so every man fell in love with her.

She was the one who didn’t take responsibility – and so every man took her under his wing.

She was the one who took another woman’s man and got away with it.

I was furious at the Bradley Cooper character for cheating on his wife with Scarlett – but I really hated Scarlett.

I hated that it was so easy for her.  She could do that.  Not only could she get him to cheat on his wife, and get him to talk about leaving his wife – she had absolutely no moral problems with the whole thing.

I really noticed that with all the comments and the women I talk to – even my friends – most seem to “blame” the Jennifer Connelly character for her bad marriage (“she pressured him into getting married before he was ready…”) and for the cheating.  And most say that the Bradley Cooper character was “using” the Scarlett character to get out of his marriage.

So, then – who exactly is the Scarlett character?  If she is a pawn in this situation – who is she?

Is she excused somehow?

Here’s my take:

We all want to be Scarlett, and yet – she was the one with the LEAST happy ending!

We all want to have a man wrapped around our fingers…and yet, because we believe we can’t on some level, we sabotage ourselves at every turn.

Scarlett is in some ways a Modern Siren.  For that – I say copy her.

She’s young and she doesn’t know what she wants long term, what she’s doing with her life is very spur-of-the-moment.  She’s focused on herself. The relationship with Bradley is also helpful to her professionally.  There are lots of reasons for her to get involved with him.

And…horrible as it is to say…sometimes the other woman DOES get the man. And she almost did.

But most of the time it ends the way it did in the movie.  Everyone alone. Regrouping time.

The Scarlett character is a message:

Don’t play with a married man.  He’s not real until he’s available.  Until then – he’s only a messenger.

And for the Scarlett character, the message he delivered over and over again is – “I will disappoint you.”

So – let’s focus on that. To me, the Scarlett character is carrying a sign saying “Disappoint Me.”

Let’s look at where YOUR sign -  “Disappoint Me” – is on YOU.

When you wake up, when you step out into the world, when you look at your online dating site email box, when you go on a date, when you give a man your phone number – are you wearing a sign on your forehead that says “Disappoint Me”?

Are you PREPARED to be disappointed?

I see that and feel that in myself sometimes every minute of every day.  It’s in the fear of looking at anything and imagining it failing.  It’s this instinctual preparation for failure – the emotional WEIGHT we put into “Plan B” that CAUSES us to subconsciously SABOTAGE ourselves. And this is what the Scarlett character does.

She SEEMS like she should have it all – looks, spirituality, talent, sexiness, emotionality and even boundaries – but inside, she’s still sabotaging herself.  She’s still somehow looking for disapointment.

So – for today – as you walk around – see where you’re actually looking for and preparing for DISAPPOINTMENT – and see if you can flip that around with the “Riff,” with grounding yourself in objects and in the present moment, and in loving yourself all day long as hard as you can.

I’ll be doing this with you – let’s see where it takes us.

Love, Rori

For me, the Drew Barrymore character here was all about Hope. (Again – Spoiler alert – I tell it all, so see the movie first…)

She was confused, challenged by the same limited understanding of men and relationships that we’ve all suffered with, made worse by all the social networking alternatives and ways of contacting – and still willing to hope.

In the end, when she meets Mr. Right – it’s not because she’s trying to pick up a guy – it’s because she has a genuine business and personal connection with this man she’s never met before, but who she recognizes from his picture.

So – how do you stay smiling and hopeful when possibility after possibility drops away?

1. Take inventory.

That means – go around your home, take a look at and write down what’s great about where you are RIGHT NOW in your life.  Find the good stuff.

AND – toss out the not-so-good.  This means clutter.

If you’re going to be hopeful, you have to clear out your brains and your environment, because it’s so easy to get sidetracked and distracted from your mission when everything looks like a “shiny new object” and everything looks like an opportunity.

So – DE-CLUTTER.  Now.

Go to one drawer or one tabletop or one desk or one surface, and start throwing things away you don’t either love or need.  Everything.  If you’re not sure, put it in one place with everything else you’re not sure about.

Do this especially in your drawers and closet.  Holding onto ANYTHING that’s no longer holding a promise of looking good on you, being in style, or a color you actually adore on you is bad for Hope.

You can take it one room at a time, or one section at a time, or one drawer at time – do the thing you feel most moved to do – the thing that seems most fun and like you could work through the quickest.

You can make a list – or just go by feel – but…and this is important…DON’T GIVE UP.

You’re going to build hope in your own house by absolutely committing to finishing the job, clearing the decks, making room for…whatever shows up.

Now…

2. Go shopping.

This means food, necessities, and one pretty thing that’s very inexpensive, like a new pair of panties.

I want you to look around at all the things, all the colors, all the packages, all the so many things you could not even keep track of, and see this all as opportunity.  See that there are things in the store you can’t see from where you’re standing.  that from the egg section you can’t see the olives, and from the lingerie section you can’t see the shoes.

Essentially – all you can do is HOPE that there are olives and shoes.

Now…Buy a piece of poster board, a glue stick or tape, and if you don’t have any old magazines at home, buy one that has great pictures of things you want.

3. Go home and declutter some more, and then make a vision board.

That’s pretty simple – you take the magazine apart, cut out pictures and words that move you and glue them or tape them on the poster board.

Make it pretty.

There are lots of interesting ways to make it – a feng-shui way, a triggering way – let’s just make this a HOPE way – with no ideas about “manifesting” or making it happen.

Just look at it like a lovely vision and something you want, and enjoy it as much as you possibly can.

Put it somewhere you can see it all the time – and really imagine what it would be like to have each and every thing on it – to live that life…

Smile at it.

If you start feeling complaining and upset coming up because you don’t yet have all these things – just smile at yourself and the vision board, tilt your head, and say – I will!

Try it – think of the Drew Barrymore character and her happy ending.  I know you will have your Happy Ever After, too.

Love, Rori

Hi – here’s a great debate starter: If the same unhappy things keep happening over and over again for you with men – should you go to to the source and ask the men what happened?

Here’s the question from “ABC”::

Hi Rori,

I have a question regarding how to react to a man pulling away without any warning, and what to say to him if I want to find out the reason why he does that – that will help me understand who I am more.

This is a big issue for me—i don’t know if this is also happening to other women.  Men I date chase me aggressively yet pull away after 6, 7 dates without any warning signs. I start to wonder if it’s something that I do, I say, or certain vibe I give out? i start to wonder if i am the one standing in my own way to Happily Ever After.

i would really appreciate it if you can share your experiences with us about this. Thank you, ABC”

Here’s my answer:

This is a terrific question, and I can go three ways:

Way 1. Just go with – ” He’s not the right man, forget him, I’m Circular Dating, I’m pursued by hundreds of men and don’t care about any one of them in particular.”

Logic says that you are choosing men and getting attached to them before a strong connection is made.  Logic says that you’re an attractive woman a man wants to date, but that as it starts to loom more “serious” – and sex becomes an issue of a “serious” relationship – he opts out.  it’s not that he’s no longer interested in “dating” you – he just doesn’t want to take the relationship further.

This kind of thing can simply be solved with Circular Dating and allowing this to happen as part of the process. The good man who is right for you will simply “stick,” while everyone else comes in and goes out.

Logic says also that you may be focusing on this one man after 6 or 7 dates, and all of a sudden start Leaning Forward and Overfunctioning, and yes, your vibe changes.

All of a sudden a man will start “resisting” you instead of “falling into you.”

Now, for Way #2 – here’s a totally new, radical idea that’s only for those who can be completely detached and in total “friend” mode for REAL with a man – otherwise try it ONLY with a new man you are not attracted to except as a friend:

Way 2. This ONLY applies if it’s a pattern showing up.  Doing this with one particular man where something unexpected happened can only help you when you’re no longer emotionally attached to him – so be very vigilant and stick with number 1 for  now if you’re hurting at all, or have any feelings for a man whatsoever.

But if you, like ABC, like the Ginnifer Goodwin character in He’s Just Not That Into You, are finding this a pattern happening over and over again exactly the same way…you might try this:

Call one of these guys up, tell him you need some help, you’re doing a survey of your life and of men for a blog you post on (truth, remember) -  and you’d like to interview him. Ask if he’d like to set a time to do it by phone or if he’s free now.

Then ask him questions you prepared in advance (tell him you’ll use a fake name for him).

Your questions: All my girlfriends are having this problem, and on the blog I read about it all the time – a man dates a girl 6 or 7 times, and then just drops out.  I know this happened with us, and I’d really appreciate if you’d be absolutely truthful with me about what happened (channeling the Ginnifer Goodwin character here – you can even tell him about that movie and that it’s an experiment doing what that character did) – is it chemistry, is it the forever thing, was it intellectual, or some kind of fit that’s important to a man…is it some way we women act at a certain point, did I fall into that trap…how long did it take for you to decide you wouldn’t call again…did you know right off but keep dating me to see if you could change your mind… how does a man’s mind work with this?

Treat him as you would if you were a big time reporter and he was the interviewee.

Write it all down – everything he says, right there – and then post it here!!!  You can even invite him to drop in and comment if he’s that kind of guy.

Make sure you pick a man you no longer have any energy for – someone you could call a friend, sort of.

Sound like an interesting idea?

Okay – now let’s get real about this...I’ve tried it myself – but it only felt good and helpful with NEW men, because I never was able to completely detach from an old man enough to get real answers from him, and most men don’t know, or won’t say, anyway – if they’ve ever been involved with you.

Most of the time, the answers will be things you’ve already heard from him – about “space” and “I’m not ready for a serious relationship and I could feel that’s what you wanted” – and those answers just speak to the Truth that he simply was not right for you, and it’s GOOD that it didn’t go past date 7 and waste your time…

…but for ABC – this feels like a mystery to her.  If you do this, ABC – be sure and let us know how it went for you and if you were able to learn anything meaningful.

And here’s Way #3:

1. Go back and write down some of the way those last few dates went.  Your discussions, your energy.  Feel how you felt and remember and write down what you said.

2.  See if you can find a pattern there.

See if you can feel yourself focusing on him and hoping the relationship would work out and treating him differently than you’d treat any other man you were out with for the evening.

See if you were not simply putting out your wants and don’t wants – “I’m not looking for a casual relationship, or a boyfriend – I’m looking for marriage and family and it feels better to keep my options open and date until that shows up…” – but were trying to find out if HE was the one.

3. Imagine pulling back from this man and this situation.  Imagine really Circular Dating and not focusing on him, and not caring if he ever calls again until he actually makes a claim on you…

Imagine how that feels.

Now – is that what you were feeling with him?

If not – that’s what happened, that’s where the work is for you. So – you don’t have to interview him, you can interview YOURSELF!

Let me know how this works for you…

Love, Rori