Have The Relationship You Want

When I was younger, I was a singer-songwriter.

I used to sing in coffee houses and at college events all around UCLA, and at “open mic” nights.  After that, I was lucky enough to become a professional and make a living in bands, singing groups and trying to break out on my own - like American Idol singers do before they get to “Idol.”

I’d forgotten all about it.  Until my brother showed up last month with an old, old tape he had of me singing the songs I’d written and accompanying myself on guitar.

I let it sit for a month.  Then, because I have no machine that can play reel-to-reel tapes, I took it to a studio to transfer it to CD, and here I am listening to it now.

I’m sort of lost in the old days, now. I went to the garage, where all my old music from my days as a wanna-be singer and as a church choir conductor is stored in a little suitcase - and I’m now surrounded by songs I handwrote out on special, copyable paper.

I remember now that I’d taught myself how to transpose keys of songs written by others for the “open mic” nites where there was a combo on the stage and no rehearsal.  I remember how I’d taken myself to those restaurants and bars and coffee houses, alone, and gotten up on stage.  I remember getting a “tryout” in the lounge at Sportman’s Lodge nearby in Studio City… Ohhhh…and now it’s rolling….more and more and more memories.

All the songs are about love. Loving some man.  And…losing childhood innocence.  I was all about pain, lonliness and…hope.

I’m feeling like I want to re-learn these songs and re-sing them and re-record them…to re-create. And…perhaps I will.  Or…

Perhaps I’ll write something new.

What about you?

What do you have in the back of your closet that’s either holding you back, or was so great you feel like you could never get that great experience again, or that you’re holding out in front of yourself like a carrot on a stick - to recreate?

All of a sudden I can think of so much in my life to DO OVER.

It’s like a brake on my spirit.  A drag on my engine.  Is going backward so much easier than going forward?  Was it really an easier time?  Were we more brave?

I don’t think so.

Perhaps we live so many different lives.  Perhaps we all have chapters in our lives, chapters that never end, and sort of lead into each other, and make up a grand story altogether - but aren’t meant to go BACK to.

So - I’ll write about memories when I get up off the floor with these…but for now, let’s both do this.

Bring yourself up to NOW. Pull your brain out of the paths of what’s past - from the lovely paths and the quiet paths, and the deserted paths, and the scary paths, and the mean and painful paths.  From all of them.

Look out a window, or step out the front door.

Breathe in the sunshine or the rain, or the mist - the blue or gray sky, the hot or cold air.  Take it in and stomp your foot on the ground. Out loud - Say NOW!!

See if you can come back into your body as it is now. go look at something and touch something that screams NOW to you.

Let me know how this mix of old and new works best for you, as you let old morph INTO new, as you let the early chapters fulfill themselves into the ones you’re living now.

Love, Rori

Here’s a letter from Laura, who’s got a horrible and lovely problem, all at the same time:

“Dear Rori -

I have the ebook, Reconnect, and am listening to Modern Siren now. I have learned so much from you.

“Here is my situation - I have a wonderful boyfriend, we’ve been together 2-1/2 years. He is very committed to the relationship and loyal but generally does not do what you’d describe as fitting himself into my dream. He says he wants to move the relationship forward but he is uncertain about marriage, which he knows is something I want.

“He has good reasons for this - 1 - he’s still in court with his ex after 4 years and 2 - he is not financially ready for marriage.

“Though we’ve discussed marriage many times (always at his initiating - he’s asked what kind of wedding I want and said he wants to get married) more recently when we were arguing he said he doesn’t know me well enough to get married, he doesn’t know if he will ever want to get married, that he wants to stay together (and I believe this) but that if I don’t agree with his position on marriage I can leave the relationship.

“Just as you predicted as I have followed the siren program and listened to your advice about keeping options open, suddenly a cool new guy fell from the sky. I met him at my own home, he’s a single dad of a friend of my kids. We met for lunch yesterday and we have a dinner date set for a week from now.

“The question is how to navigate the current relationship and be open this new one and perhaps others. I am nowhere near the point of sleeping with the new guy but my current boyfriend and I have agreed to be exclusive.

“I love my boyfriend but I seriously question whether he will ever be ready for marriage. I barely know the new guy but he is totally suited to me, really likes me and a much better candidate.

“What is the best way to handle this? Tell my boyfriend I want to see other people? Break up with him altogether? What is your advice?

“Thank you so much for everything and I hope to hear from you!! Laura”

***Here’s my answer to Laura (I’ll talk directly to her  - and you, too, if you’re in this wonderful and challenging situation):

Basically- you should absolutely NOT be “exclusive” with any man, and especially not with this man you’ve already agreed to exclusivity with.  You have to talk about that and let him know that you will only sleep with him, but that you’ve received invitations for lunch and dinner from other men, and that you don’t want to be lying to him, that honesty and openness are really, really important to you, and so you want to let him know that you will be accepting spending time with other men who ask you or invite you places, until marriage is a reality.

On the other hand, if he feels the need to see other women, you will end the relationship. There’s no need to tell him anything more.

Also, there’s no need to tell him about, or feel guilty about a coffee date with another man, or a lunch date or dinner - as long as you aren’t sleeping with him (which is what most men mean about “exclusivity” anyway)… unless he brings it up.

And you don’t need to break up with him unless you feel so attached to him that you can’t open yourself up to other men and REALLY Circular Date.

I know that sounds shocking. It just doesn’t feel “right.” But this is the truth, this is the way to go, as long as you feel that you are not LYING to him. There is no need to “confess.”

However - telling the truth, really telling the truth - is such a gorgeous thing to do, and it feels so good, that when you feel compelled to talk about this to him - for your own “diva-ness” and sense of power and freedom…write yourself a good speech that simply says you love him, it feels fantastic being with him, and you know he has conflicting feelings about marriage and you don’t want to put pressure on him or the relationship.

That you want to enjoy him and the relationship you have. And so you’ve decided that it would feel better to keep your options open, that you’ve gotten a few invitations to lunch and dinner, that you won’t be having sex with anyone but him, but that in order to keep yourself from feeling needy and weird…you may accept an invitation. What does he think?

And then you’ll have to be willing to let him sulk, and complain, and grumble and be angry….

…But - No man gets to keep you all to himself without marriage, if that’s what you want in your life.

You are to enjoy your life.

If you’re Dating this man - then you’re dating, and it should be fun. When you’re living together and have a future together planned - then the conversation is different and you get to talk about that.

This is a HUGE issue - and a seemingly small thing. When do you give the “No Girlfriend” speech? Let me know how this clarifies things for you, and how it works.  I so wish Laura luck with the new man!

Love, Rori