Have The Relationship You Want

A bunch of comments here centered around what to do in this situation:

A man cancels on you.

Could be:

He hasn’t called even though he said he would or you hoped he would, or he makes a date and then doesn’t call to confirm or show up, or he cancels a Saturday night date, or you’ve been planning to meet for months, and he keeps getting held up by work, or his children, or, in the case of Linda G – illness (here’s one of her comments around this – and you’ll see all the responses and advice offered, especially by Mercedes).

Mercedes gave advice that was EXACTLY what any one of us would be feeling in the the situation and WANT to say to him, and she also said that I might find her course of action to be “Passive-Aggressive.”

I want to reply to all the comments and then jump off…

So – what is “passive-aggressive?”

Basically – it’s the opposite of “the Truth.”

And telling anything but the Truth will ball up your insides.

Aggressive means you are leaning forward, you have strong feelings, it encompasses a feeling of force, passion, anger, rage, exhilaration…aggression is ACTION, and it’s often propelled by hurt, desire for revenge, fear, a need to control a situation.

Passive means NO ACTION. So, here you are in a state of Action and No Action.

How can this be?

In a basketball game, you’re supposed to be “aggressive.” You “foul” the other team’s player sometimes in your action trying to get the ball to the basket. And yet, you are in control. You don’t go around hitting other players when you’re feeling especially aggressive and frustrated – so you either handle your aggression, or you “trash-talk.” if you can’t find a suitable way to be aggressive without breaking the rules – you can’t play.

If you want to play basketball, and you know you can’t push and shove your way to the basket – but the NEED and the IMPULSE to push and shove is stronger than your love of the game, and so you instinctively hold back on your aggression (don’t shoot when you have the opportunity, pass the ball rather than take control of it, don’t run into the crowd under the basket to try to get one in when you have the ball – you’re not going to be able to play. You’re going to hold yourself back. Is THIS passive-aggressive? No.

What if you feel the need to push and shove and make things happen out there on the floor, but hold yourself back because you’re afraid of fouling or breaking the rules – but the tension of that is too much for you, and so you yell at the umpires and the other players, you argue with them, you tell everyone what they’re doing wrong that’s preventing you from getting the ball in the hoop. Is THIS passive-aggressive? Yes.

Is it passive-aggressive to refrain from hitting someone when you’re really, really angry? No.

Is it passive-aggressive to say or do nothing at all when you’re really, really angry or excited? No.

is it passive-aggressive to SMILE at someone when you’re really, really angry? No, if that’s all you do.

Is it passive-aggressive to SMILE at someone and refrain from hitting them when you’re really, really angry and to TELL them what they did to make you so angry? Yes.

Passive-aggression is not just STUFFING your feelings. When you stuff down your feelings and smile when you feel murderous – that’s still just stuffing. The damage is being done inside you, in the cells of your body, in your mind, in your heart. It’s aggression turned inward. It results in depression and illness and stress and tension and emotional and physical damage.

Passive-aggression happens when we’re stuffed to the gills with our feelings, and we can’t stuff anymore, and we just have to do SOMETHING with them, to keep them from spilling out, and we do it in the only way we know, the only way we’ve seen, the only way we feel reasonably safe.

Passive aggression happens when we are stuffed to the gills with our feelings from our whole lives, and so when we’re triggered, we have to take ACTION to keep them from spilling out.

We call it passive-aggressive because it IS aggressive.

It could be complaining. It could be a nice letter telling someone what you think. It could be gossip. It could be fouling hard in the basketball game when you really don’t need to, because you’re still upset over the last call. It can be violence in a way that we hope doesn’t LOOK like violence.

It could be feeling intense sexual desire for a man, or passion for a political cause, or rapture when you see a sunset – and yet feeling that expressing those feelings by spontaneously kissing someone or screaming out at a meeting, or throwing yourself on the ground and looking up at the sky would be inappropriate, and doing something ELSE instead. Something like “teasing” the man, or quickly criticizing him. Or saying something nasty about the “opposition.” Or turning your back on the sunset and complaining in your head about the kite-flyer who’s in your way.

It could be telling a man who is saying “No” what you think about him saying No.

And – who cares if we’re passive-aggressive? I mean, what’s so bad about that?

Passive-Aggressive means you are FEELING ANGRY, but you choose to be reasonable, or pleasant, or nice, or teacher-like, as though you are lecturing.

It means, at bottom, that you’re focused on someone ELSE’S behavior – on what they’ve done and your opinion and even feeling ABOUT it, how it’s landing with you…all that. It is essentially not an expression – it’s a DEFENSE. It’s a kind of revenge. It’s a way to let off some steam without really touching what the anger is all about – while still staying in some zone where you feel okay about yourself (nice, pleasant, good, smart…)

And the ultimate effect is that it does damage to YOU. It gets you riled up. It accentuates your disappointment, and it makes you feel scuzzy because you KNOW you’re just talking about another person – and here – without even KNOWING the other person, really – and that you’re not even telling the truth about YOURSELF!

Below all the anger and disappointment and frustration is Love. The intense DESIRE to love. for the basketball player, it’s the love of the game. The feeling of exhilaration he or she has for PLAYING the game. For you and I, here, it’s the love of romance, of relationship, of connection. It’s the love of Love.

And we have to work out, in ourselves, how to tend our often boiling-over soup pot of emotions in a way that serves our love of Love. This is how we get the love we want.

Otherwise, we stay stuck in the tending.

This is where compassion helps you and judgment hurts you. Compassion for you, and compassion for everyone and everything else. And why Boundaries are necessary if you’re to go to the fullest in love and compassion.

You may be, like Mercedes, really really good at this Boundary stuff. Well – to take a step further – imagine what you could do if your boundaries were really so strong that you wouldn’t feel the need to reach out across the space that’s between us and another person and tell them ANYTHING?

What if you didn’t have to do ANYTHING to TEND to your emotional soup except be with it and speak from it?

What if you could just sit with your feelings and then let them out in a way that’s not “passive,” and that’s not “aggressive” either. (Linda G – you did this in your email version. You wanted to make contact, you wanted to respond, and you wanted to walk that wire between anger and disappointment and a desire for compassion and love.)

We want to find the place that’s not merely the easy answer – ASSERTION. (Remember Assertion Training for Women? – We can talk about that later, too…) We want to find that place that’s EXPRESSIVE.

Let’s let that concept just sit for a bit. To be neither passive, nor aggressive, nor even concerned with being assertive – but to focus on being expressive.

Let’s look at another side of this – the part that triggers us to be passive or aggressive or passive-aggressive:

If someone says to you that they are unable to be with you because they…can’t (sick, tired, overworked, exhausted, too poor, children, job, time, feeling unattractive because they’re sick, or wanting you to come to them and mother them when they’re sick…) then…they can’t.

Makes no difference if it’s “can’t” or “won’t” – and I think that’s what this discussion is about.

The answer then is always…”Sorry you ‘re (overworked, sick…), I’ll miss seeing you, and thank you for letting me know, and I have to go now (and go do something amazing from your Channeling list)…

Doesn’t matter if THEY’RE telling the truth, doesn’t matter WHAT they’re doing…the actual thing that’s happening is they are saying NO to you, you have feelings around that, and you have the urge to communicate your feelings around it.

But what you do in the face of a NO can make a huge difference in your life.

Gathering all this energy in response to a NO is very draining to your system. You can spend your life responding to NO’s – preparing for NO’s. We gear up our bodies and our hearts for Nos – and yet so many of us court them.

We put ourselves in places constantly where No’s will happen (we choose to be models or actors when we actually have more energy around rejection than we do around our love for acting or modeling, and sometimes that makes all the difference in terms of success).

We love men who don’t live anywhere near us and test the fragile bonds of connection 24/7 – hoping the magic will hold.

It’s not possible to love Love more than we feel pressed to continue our draining habits of tending to our emotional soup without loving OURSELVES most of all.

And so WE have to practice saying NO. Once WE can say no, we can start to look all the other “No’s” out there square in the face and be okay.

“Okay, so he doesn’t want to call me.”

“Okay, so he doesn’t want to see me.”

“Okay, even though the sex was fantastic, he still calls me his ‘friend.’”

“Okay, I feel riled up, my soup is in an uproar, I feel pain and hurt and disappointment and…so…

***...this doesn’t feel good.”

This doesn’t feel good.

This is your easiest, clearest way to express your feelings about getting a No.

Try saying it to yourself, and then use riffing and all your other Tools to get connected to your Soup, to get connected to your compassion for yourself, which is inextricably and forever attached, no matter how much we’d like it not to be true – to everyone else, including a man who’s wronged you or simply said “No” to you.

Go spontaneously kiss a tree, get on your feet and yell “Bravo” in a theater, and really, really look at the sunset in companionship with the kite-flyers.

No is just one more step to Yes. Keep on your road to Happy Ever After, and don’t let anyone hold you up. If he can’t or won’t walk with you – just keep walking. There’s plenty to see, plenty to feel, and so much love inside you to express and attract even more love.

Next, I’ll be talking about building Romance in your life…

Love, Rori

Here’s an “other woman” scenario that I know so many of us have been through:

“I am having an issue with my fiance regarding his friends. They are a couple but I don’t have the warmest relationship with the female friend of the couple, although I get along quite well with the rest of his friends and family. I tried discussing this with my fiance.

I don’t sense any attraction between him and his female friend, only a possessiveness on her part of his time and some disrespect for me from her. I think she grew used to being his confidant and now that I am his confidant it has led to some strange behavior on her part.

I’ve tried to talk to him about this but a wall goes up and I can never really get him to engage in a conversation about it. He is tremendously respectful of me in all other areas except this. He asked me one night if I wanted to include them in an outing and I said no and gave him my reasons. He went ahead and completely disregarded what I said and invited them anyway. I’m not sure what to do, only I do not want to be a door mat about this.

My answer, depending on this info – will likely be – you have no choice here – you’re going to have to be serene and dignified about this, and tell the truth to him and to her – depending on what happens..

This woman, Carrie (I’ll use a different name) he has known for many years and she was a little sister to his college fraternity. I could be wrong, I don’t think there are any romantic feelings between them, only she seems like perhaps a very possessive sister maybe would be the best way to describe her. She has a very tight circle of family and friends and outwardly seems like a very giving type, which my fiance (who I will call Kirk) notices and remarks about all of the time.

I’ve seen a very different side of her ….she seems giving, but I think it has much to do with the ego boost it gives her. She can be very cold to those she does not consider part of her family. One of my friends used to date my fiance and shared a very cold experience with me that she experienced with Carrie.

Oh I forgot to mention Carrie has spent a great deal of time trying to set up Kirk (before me of course) with one of her relatives and with her friends. In fact when Kirk and I got together I had him keep it just to ourselves until we saw how things were going. Carrie most likely felt hurt and surprised that she didn’t know as much about Kirk as she used to know.

So here goes with my “Carrie” experiences:

She at one point tried to set up a relative of hers with Kirk. About a month after Kirk and I moved in I came home from work that night to find Carrie parading this relative around our house giving her a tour. Now we all knew that Carrie had tried to set Kirk and her relative up so it was very uncomfortable and weird. I tried to be gracious but I have to say that event really left me put off.

Shortly after that Carrie had all of us and some of her friends over to a backyard BBQ. She barely talked to me at all and spent most of the night whispering to her friend. I tried to politely join their conversation but they ended up making fun of something I had asked them about, so I basically just walked away and found someone else to talk to.

My brother passed away last fall. That of course is never pleasant but he died from alcoholism and making the funeral arrangements etc. was even more very draining due to how sad we were about how he spent his life. When we got back home from the funeral Carrie wanted to stop by with her kids.

I was so tried and drained that I wasn’t up for it and even Kirk admitted that he wasn’t up for it either. Yet when he tried to politely decline having Carrie come by on that particular day, she made a federal case out of it and acted very injured which put a strain on the relationship for a few months.

Around Xmas we hosted two parties that we invited Kirk’s frat brothers to. While the events were nice Carrie did her best to either forcibly butt into conversations that I was having with others (oh look at me aren’t I the social butterfly) but would really ignore any attempts at conversation I would make.

At our Superbowl party this year (again with the old frat brothers! Who I like but I see them more than I do my own friends) Carrie just burst into the room and suddenly announced that we were all going on a camping trip over Labor Day. I tried to discreetly comment to Kirk that we would likely have plans that weekend as it was also his b-day etc, etc and because he had a few drinks brushed me off.

This was also a banner night for Carrie because I was trying to explain something to Kirk and she jumped in and talked right over me and Kirk paid attention to her and ignored what I was trying to tell him. Also she played the sneaky girl game of inviting one of the women I was talking to out to the movies. Of course an invitiation was not extended to me until Kirk was standing by me, then it was offered halfheartedly. When Kirk walked away she started her little game of ignoring me and talking again and continuing to make plans with only that woman….great I will see YOU on Tuesday where I will swing by and pick YOU up…not even looking my way.

One last thing about Carrie…she and her husband go to great lengths to talk about how busy they are and how devoted they are to their kids and how their schedule is planned months in advance. So they think it is appropriate to call Kirk at the last minute if they suddenly free up because he does not have kids and should still be as free as he was as a bachelor.

Well now as a couple we do get busy but Kirk still jumps through hoops if they call to do something with them. That resulted in an embarrassing situation with some other friends we were out to dinner with. Carrie’s husband just called and the next thing you know we were finishing dinner and rushing off to be with them. I was sooo embarrassed as it seemed so rude. Yet if I had pointed that out to Kirk he would have gotten defensive.

One last note Rori. Kirk is usually a very respectful thoughtful man, but when he gets around this old “friend” it is like her reverts into someone I don’t like very much. I have tried to talk to him about this but in his mind Carrie is a saint who is so generous and giving that he couldn’t possible conceive of her doing any wrong. Occasionally they get into political arguments but if she stays away from the politics he treats her like she walks on water. I don’t want to fight with him.

Thanks for any response or feedback you can give me! I’ve learned so much through your materials, that I know an answer is out there. I’ve navigated through other situations beautifully, it is just hard knowing how to handle this other disruptive influence.

Best regards, Lisa”

Okay, Lisa – (and you, too, if you’re in the middle of something like this right now) – what you have to do is this:

1. Learn to communicate on a deeper level with Kirk – and not about CARRIE – but about you, your feelings, having fun….it seems there’s a lot of explaining and talking about – but very little actual NEGOTIATING. I heard that in your “I was trying to talk to him about something…” that Carrie interrupted.

2. He’s got some pull with these two – it might be to him, and not Carrie – and you will NEVER be able to undo that – it’s something psychological, and if I were you, I wouldn’t go into it with Kirk.

3. Just do the best you can with Carrie. She’s obviously and clearly a sad and unfulfilled person who needs to do what she does just to feel okay – and she’s jealous of you…you don’t need to feel competitive – you have nothing to fear from her – this is your OWN stuff getting triggered.

4. If I were you, I’d never say a mean or negative word about Carrie – and I’d find something to do and someone else to talk to when she’s around. Don’t try to make friends – that’s not the way – instead – use Listening at Level 2 from my ebook – in other words – be a GIRL!!! Let her be the giving “man” – you sit back, lean back, and APPRECIATE her. Yes, just listen, appreciate, smile, and radiate your open heart the way you do with everyone.

5. This will speak about your confidence, your security, your love for Kirk – and this is what you focus on – being a GIRL with him. My Modern Siren program, after the book – will help you tremendously here…and I’d also talk to every man at the party, be open, have fun around Kirk. Learning to be in your feminine energy with Kirk is what will make the difference here – Feeling Messages rule – but don’t talk about Carrie…

6. Do not let Carrie get to you – her power is only as much as you give her.

I resonated with Lisa’s predicament, because this is something that I’ve dealt with a lot in my life. With one man, all of his best friends were my friends – they had to be, because we were all in the same theater company – and they were all women, and they’d all had relationships with him.

Yes, I was constantly surrounded with women who’d slept with my man. They were in my living room late at night as we all talked, they were at every party and get-together, they rehearsed together, talked all the time – and we even went on TRIPS together.

And…I seemed to manage just fine with all that. It was when he made a NEW woman friend, who he seemed to put ahead of me in every way and want to have dinner with WITHOUT ME and got her a birthday necklace the like of which I’d never received anything close to from him – I fell apart. I had absolutely no idea how to deal with it.

And so I understand that this kind of situation has two components:

One, the simple irritation of someone else’s needs coming before yours and having to be considered all the time, and

Two – the insecurity, anger, feelings of being second-class, feelings of being uncared for and uncherished (even if it’s a male friend or his family that seems to be getting priority over you) that come up for you and that seem, because this person is a “friend” completely out-of-proportion to the situation in your man’s views.

He simply can’t understand your problem.

What it feels like is: He’s trying to get awway from me. This other person is pulling him away from me – but he WANTS to go…

And this is your cue to LEANBACK.

This is where “strong on the inside, soft on the outside” is crucial.

Normally, when we have feelings that our man would call “outsized for the situation” – like Lisa’s response to Carrie – who seems, outwardly to be a fine person and a good friend and nothing more – we tend to get tense, go cold, and stuff down our anger or let it squeeze out in thinly veiled complaints (like Lisa’s attempt to say they “probably” wouldn’t be available for Carrie’s camping trip…) that only feel icky to a man and drive a bigger wedge between you.

What happens when we do that is – it makes us SMALL. It makes us pinched, and strict – and – believe it or not – it sounds like a MOTHER. We sound like his mother telling him “what’s what” and trying to be sensible.

And then when we get a moment alone with him, we try to explain our jealousy and weird feelings, and it just comes out as ‘dissing” his friend or family and makes everything worse.

That’s why Riffing and Feeling Messages work.

Lisa can say with each INDIVIDUAL situation: “Ohhh, I hate feeling this way, I feel embarrassed. I know Carrie is your friend, and she’s such a good person and she cares about you and you have so much history with her – and I feel bad about this, but I don’t feel good around her, and I don’t want to leave dinner right now to be with her (drop our other plans…do that, go there…). What should we do about this?”

This way – you never get into a discussion about the PERSON. Carrie is never under discussion. It’s hands off – because you don’t want him to have to go defending here – that makes it worse.

And here’s the kicker – why’s Carrie in Lisa’s life at all? How did that happen?

Well – if you’re following this blog you know the answer – she’s a MESSENGER. She’s got some message for Lisa, and nothing will change until Lisa gets that message and works with it to change whatever’s going on inside her that’s about Carrie’s message.

It could be that Carrie has a stronger sense of entitlement and diva-ness that Lisa needs to develop in herself.

It could be that Carrie feels so insecure in herself and has had a major crush on Kirk for all these years and is just plain jealous of Lisa’s claim on Kirk (I’ve seen this over and over in client stories, and personally with female friends of my boyfriends – even an older married couple that a boyfriend and I once went on a trip with.

The woman had a huge crush on my boyfriend, and she never missed a moment to try to cut me off at the knees. It was so blatant and obvious to everyone that her husband thought it was funny and my boyfriend enjoyed the ego boost! But she couldn’t see it in herself. It would have been “ridiculous” for me to feel insecure in that situation – and yet I got triggered constantly.)

The way out here, as always, is to focus on yourself. The only thing you care about here is staying CONNECTED to your man, and not letting something or someone like Carrie push you apart. You have to learn to USE the situation to get CLOSER.

It’s a matter of not letting anyone “throw you off your game.”

Love, Rori

I just watched the movie of Twilight (I loved it – I’m such a romantic, such a pushover) – and our heroine, Bella, is a different person than the Bella from the book.

She’s evolved, stronger, more receptive.

And the difference in the two ways of seeing this character can be a huge help to us, here.

In the book (and remember – Bella as a character is 17, but she speaks for the girl in all of us) – Bella is headstrong, argumentative, feels unworthy and so she’s defensive.  She fights falling for Edward, and every step of the way, she fights him.  She fights him wanting to carry her up a hill.  She fights him taking her anywhere or giving her anything or doing anything for her.  She fights against love in all kinds of ways.

And so her surrender to Edward – allowing him to carry her up a hill, allowing him to give to her (she rails against his rescuing of her, saying that she “wants to be the superhero sometimes”) – as all the more powerful.

In the film, Bella is so clearly brave, warm, loving, strong, smart and feels so much more worthy (they leave in just a few moments of insecurity) that her surrender has a different quality.  It seems natural, and more girlish.

The Bella of the book feels to me more like a woman who has a bit of a “chip on her shoulder” – and so she’s easier to identify with.

The Bella of the book is more “flawed” than the Bella of the movie.

The Bella of the book has more fear of closeness and intimacy and of RECEIVING than she does of death.  She’d rather be in CONTROL than anything else.  And so, surrendering to love feels huge – and we’re a bit frustrated at how difficult it is for her.

Also, in the book, she strategizes.  She tries to get information out of others through cleverness, even lying – where the movie Bella is upfront, honest, straightforward.

The book Bella is a misfit, a girl who never had even a date with a boy and always felt out of place.  You believe her when she says she’s not pretty.  Even though I knew the beautiful Kristen Stewart plays her in the movie – as I read, I pictured the book Bella as regular-looking.  I believed that she was not beautiful.

The movie Bella is the most beautiful girl anyone’s ever seen, the moment she shows up.  There is no way she could be insecure. Unconventional, perhaps, but not insecure.

It was harder for me to identify with the movie Bella, because, though she was constantly amazed by what was happening, she didn’t doubt Edward’s feelings for her.

In the book, Bella doubts his feelings constantly.  In fact, she asks him how and why he feels about her constantly.  AND – he constantly TELLS her.  He never seems to mind all her questioning.  He seems to find her insecurity charming.

In the book, Bella is so contemptuous of being the “damsel in distress” that she behaves stupidly and BECOMES the damsel in distress.

In the movie, she allows Edward to rescue her with grace, and so she BECOMES a superhero herself.  Her bravery is evident and on purpose – unlike the book Bella’s headstrong and, well, sometimes actually obnoxious self-righteousness and resistance to everything. She’s like someone you take to Disneyland who complains about the rides.

In the movie, Bella has a sense of wonder, and she trusts Edward because she believes in HERSELF.  She is actually not afraid.  Bella in the book is often pretending to not be afraid – and so she’s “contrary” to cover it up.

So – the director of the film and the actress who played Bella saw the problems in the book Bella, and evolved her.

And…strangely enough…I MISSED the book Bella as i was watching the film.

I wanted to BE like the movie Bella, but I FELT more like the book Bella.

I, as a flawed person, had difficulty identifying with the non-flawed Bella.  I know it had nothing to do with age…both of these characters are sort of “timeless.” Some of it has to do with the joy of reading – you get to infuse the characters with images from your own mind in heart. In a movie – there are real people up there.

So – the movie Bella seemed like a leap to me.

I am all about starting from where you are.  That’s what “Riffing” is all about – starting from where you are and what you feel – NOW.

So, let’s look at the leap WE want to make – from Doing defensive, run by old patterns, afraid of intimacy, blocked from receiving love and gestures of caring and even help and rescue “things” – to Being soft, available, open, strong inside, confident, and willing to let an amazing man love us, without questioning our worth.

How to get there?

1. Start HERE.  You are where you are.  Take stock.  If the most amazing man in the world showed up and wanted you…how would you feel?  How would you act?  Imagine it. Feel all the “good” and “not-so-good” feelings.

2. Now imagine you have utter confidence, you see him as a person just like yourself, you believe in your strengths and your fabulous qualities, you are a movie heroine, you are fearless, you are filled with wonder, you can handle surprise, you can make decisions, you are your own superhero, you are your own rescuer, and you can allow this man to rescue you, too.

Go ahead and have fun with this. Let the fantasy take you, and if it starts to take you backwards – into a memory of what might have been once, or an old story – pull yourself out and throw yourself forward into this new fantasy where you are “evolved.” Where you are where you WANT to be.

Let me know what that looks like for you.

Love, Rori

Here’s a comment from “InLove”, who’s suffering at 20 with a problem most of us have experienced at some time or other, in response to my post about reviving sex…

“Hi, I just want to ask about a similar situation. I’m only 20. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and half and the last time we had sex was… probably a month ago. Both of us love each other, and we live together (and have done since about 9 months ago), well we have separate bedrooms and live with three other boys. We are moving into a flat on our own with two bedrooms (because I was unhappy sharing a bedroom completely) in a couple of months.

We are happy together most of the time, he is very affectionate lots of hugs, kisses, feeling my boobs and bum lots, talks to me lots through phone calls and texts. We have problems with two things.

The first is him needing space which we’ve mostly managed to sort and are well on the way to making fine, as he has now learned to actually tell me when he needs space and I appreciate that honesty because we do spend a lot of time together in his room – which he says should be solved next year when we have our own flat and a different rooms we can spend time together in, so if we need a little space we can go to a different room to surf the net (the bedroom) or to watch telly (the living room).

Just now it seems that I can sense when he wants space but he denies it, then eventually admits to it (tonight he said that he’d rather go on the walk alone as he wanted some space), and so encourage this honesty and give him his space. This helps me to know that the space is not needed because I did something wrong, that it is because he just needs space.

And now I can use this time to do some coursework and relax. Although this evenings walk irritates me slightly because I have spent the whole weekend with my mother as she was visiting only sleeping in his room at night (as she was in my room), and yesterday he went hillwalking all day with his friend. Hopefully he will let me know what caused this need for space at some point soon.

The other problem, is sex. Hence this post. Like I mentioned he’s very caring and does everything other than anything related to his penis. I used to try to entice him when we were lying in bed by playing with it and it would get hard (therefor he was aroused) but he would not want to do anything. I have now, after much deliberation decided to just try coping without sex until we can talk about this (it’s talking about it that’s difficult).

Any other time I’ve tried talking to him he will tell me he has a low libido and just does not need sex. And I’ve started not even encouraging it when he does get hard for fear of rejection. I also don’t like the thought that we can only have sex when HE wants to… what about my needs, and how can I get him to want to have sex with me. I please myself when I get too turned on.

But it makes me feel ugly when my boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex with me. Even after he gives me signs, and tells me, of how attracted he is to me (he loves it when I’m naked and hugs/passionately kisses me and fondles me. He makes me feel good that way).

There was one time he was playing video games and I was feeling frisky so offered a FREE blowjob (if there is such a thing)… and yet I was stilled turned down, even though all he was doing was playing games.

We can both be busy or tired when it comes to bed time, but all we really do is I lie on his bed and watch whatever is on the telly while he sits at his computer and “stumbles” on the internet… He will give me attention and I don’t feel totally neglected, except for in the intercourse department.

I don’t believe he is gay, and understand that sex isn’t everything. I just wish I understood why he only gets horny every now and then and it seems to be random. I used to have a high sex drive which has died a little, although I can turn myself on quite easily.

When we do have sex it is AMAZING! And that is the other part of the reason I want to have it more. I have tried putting on sexy lingerie and all sorts. But to me it just seems he’s more interested in videogames/movies/tv/books, than in actual sex.

I don’t want it to be an issue, but it’s the only thing stopping me seeing a life with him, because I don’t know if I can cope without sex. I don’t plan on breaking up with him over it.

I was just wondering if there is anything I can do to encourage sex, or even to have a conversation with him about my needs for sex. I’ve read of other females getting their men to have sex with them even when THEY don’t want it, and I feel my man should want to do this for me. Please help me find a way of asking for sex without sounding desperate or unappreciative or non-understanding of his low libido.

Sorry this is so long…InLove”

Here’s my answer:

InLove, I feel your pain- I’ve been in this situation before – and so have many women I know and have worked with – and you’re not going to want to hear this answer. If he doesn’t want to have sex with you at 20, living in the same house – it may never get better.

Either he’s gay or he’s not in love with you or he’s feeling pressure from you to deepen the relationship and to have sex and it’s turning him off, he may be afraid of getting you pregnant (though that doesn’t seem reasonable since he refused the blowjob) or he has physical or emotional problems or just an extremely low libido.  Here’s what you can do from my standpoint – and I’m going to ask my friend Todd Creager – who’s a man and an expert on sexuality in marriage – to weigh in here as well:

1. If he’s gay, that’s it.  Even HE might not know it, so if that’s the right answer here, you’ll suffer with this until he discovers it for himself.

2. If he’s not in love with you – you may have some effect on that if you make some changes (Tools for that are in my Modern Siren program) – just as you would for scenario number…

3. If it’s about the pressure, you can step WAY back.  You can see if that works (it will), and yet -

It’s not a permanent solution.

A man who so interlocks sex with his emotions has a certain kind of energy.  MatchMatrix.com calls this a “Mental-Emotional” energy around sex – and regardless of how you analyze it (some talk about how men “compartmentalize” around sex – and yours clearly doesn’t), that might be fine if you were the same way – but you’re not.

The more he doesn’t want sex, the more you DO.

We women try to CONNECT through sex – and so he picks that up, and because he’s afraid of or doesn’t want to deepen the connection, for whatever reason – he refuses sex.

This is going to be an issue your ENTIRE lives, should you decide to stay together. Whenever there’s conflict, or during the ups and downs of your relationship – sex will stop.

If you chase him for sex – as you’re doing now (if not actually, physically making the moves, you’re thinking about it and wanting it all the time) – is just making it worse for you.

4. On top of everything else, these days many men have lowered libido for reasons around stress and diet and pollution – but if that’s his problem now, it won’t get better – it will get worse.

This is very difficult and doesn’t feel good. Step way, way back.

Let’s see what Todd has to say.

I would not move in with him, if I were you – and if you do, please have a fall-back plan so you don’t feel stuck if things don’t get better.

Sorry for the cold-sounding answer – but I want YOU to get a bit cold around this.  I’d really like you to get out there and FLIRT – Circular Date just by talking with other men.

Sitting around and hoping a man will want to have sex with you at 20 is bad-feeling, and I don’t want you there.

Okay – This just in – Todd Creager answered my call and wrote me this to help you:

“Rori- your advice is not cold; it is realistic. As you do, I feel for this young woman because she so much wants the relationship to work. However, patterns do not usually change that easily.

One other possible factor besides the ones that you diligently outlined is the following; I have often found that men who resist sex in a committed relationship have had a very overbearing or needy mother. The male child unconsciously views women as needy or smothering.

The male deals with this by unconsciously creating distance so that he can still “feel his own skin” and not be taken over by the “dangerous” female. This is his projection. The female is not necessarily doing anything wrong.

I see the young woman here having two choices. Let him go and move on or insist that he get some good therapy. If she takes the second option, she should observe his behavior.

If nothing changes several months into his therapy, she should strongly consider option 1. I hope this answer along with yours can help her. Todd Creager”

Todd is amazing, if any of you would like to talk with him, he’s at www.ToddCreager.com

I’m going to take this bit of insight about why a man avoids sex and go deeper into it (and why Strong Surrender and Modern Siren will help you catch the red flags of a man with this problem, and perhaps even undo some of the damage). I’ll get some help from Todd along the way – this is his specialty.

“InLove” – Use all my Tools to help you LeanBack, step-back – and rather than thinking about giving HIM “space” – take some for YOURSELF. Fill up your schedule with activities you adore doing, that make you feel good – and let HIM fit himself into YOUR schedule.

Love, Rori