Have The Relationship You Want

Have you ever been this close to total humiliation with a man? Where you just take your own commitment to him, and your own sense of being a good woman to the point where you’re almost embarrassed for yourself?

Well, I know I have, and most of the women I know and have worked with have found themselves at one point or another - and it just makes you feel awful and afraid to try love on again.

I don’t want you to feel that way - I want you to take whatever’s happened to you in the past and learn from it.

Here’s a letter from Diana who’s just on that edge right now, and let’s help her together to get off that edge now and take good care of herself (for some background, Diana’s man asked her to move in with him, then he sort of let it go, then he talked about it, and then he let it go again because he wasn’t sure…and now Diana’s stuck with a housing crisis):

“Hi Rori,
I have been working on my vibration. I feel like I’m doing ok but things have been very weird with Brent. He has really pulled back all of a sudden and I just don’t get it. When your boyfriend pulls back and doesn’t talk to you are you really not supposed to call and ask what’s going on? I mean I am just supposed to go about my life like nothing has happened? I ran into him and we talked for a few minutes and then it was just goodbye. That is just weird to me. Here’s what happened lately…

Last week believe it or not, my landlord changed her mind the day I was suppose to renew my lease and now I have to move by June 30. I found out last Friday. I was very upset and Brent came over to see me. He was very sweet and asked me to come to dinner so he could cook for me. I told him I would see how the day went.

Later he told me to come for a bike ride and dinner because it would be good for me. So, I went. I didn’t stay the night though. When I was going to leave he asked if I was mad at him. I said no not at all. I asked him why he thought that and he said it was just a feeling. I said no I wasn’t mad at all and I didn’t see why he would think that. I did say my mind was on what I was going to do about a place to live. Later I thought I didn’t respond too well to this so maybe that upset him because he never has ever asked me that.

The next day we had plans and he was a bit cold to me. He didn’t make love to me that night or even cuddle with me which he always does. He was cold the next day so after a while I said I was going to home to get some things done. He did send me an email of some houses he found for me to look at.

But then we didn’t talk for a couple days and then I called him. I know I probably should not have but he was supposed to be going out of town and I thought I need to take care of the garden and some other things.

So, when I called he said he just canceled his trip. I said I felt so happy because now we could do something fun this weekend like take that long bike ride he and I have talked about. His response was he was going to play a lot of golf. I said oh, ok. Then he said he could also go for a ride. He sounded like maybe he caught himself. I said I would let him go and that I had to go back to work.

He stopped me and said wait, what are you up to and asked some other questions. It was like then he wanted to keep me on the phone. I talked for a bit and then said I had to go. I was very pleasant and not angry but a little bewildered. We have not talked since then (Tuesday morning) and I just ran into him in town for a few minutes. We just talked about nothing and then said good bye.

This is just strange. This is my boyfriend. Should I go see him or call him and tell him how I feel? Really am I suppose to just go on with my life until he finally decides or doesn’t decide to call me? And then am I supposed to act like nothing happened or then do I tell him how I feel?

I am starting to get angry now. I really don’t like being ignored this way. I feel very hurt. If he is upset he should tell me. I wonder does he really think I am not going to be upset?

Does he really think he can ignore me like this and it’s ok? I have all of these plans this weekend without him. I am without my boyfriend on Memorial Day weekend and there is nothing said about it. Very weird. Please tell me if I am just to keep leaning back and do nothing until he maybe decides to call me.

Thanks, Diana

Here’s my answer:

Diana, so glad you wrote. You are not SUPPOSED to do ANYTHING but tell the TRUTH. Do not PLAY this.

I don’t know what’s going on – but he’s displaying behavior totally typical for a man who feels guilty.

He likely feels guilty and bad about your living issues because he’s not stepping in to rescue you by asking you to move in with him. And your acting NICE is just making him feel worse, and therefore angry with you.

If you were to be MAD at him – that would be a NORMAL response under the circumstance because you are EXCLUSIVE with him. If you’re just DATING him, that’s another thing, but he’s your BOYFRIEND. He feels really bad, and your being understanding is just making it worse.

You have to tell the truth – which means, yes, you call him up and read a speech you’ve prepared – or wait til he calls you and then deliver it. You feel totally thrown for a loop with having to move, you don’t know what to do, you don’t want to be upset with him, but you feel that way anyway…and the coldness between you and inattentiveness is making you feel pretty pissed! SHARE THAT.

If this were me – I would END the exclusivity right NOW!!! Tell him if he’s not ready to move this relationship forward, you get it, he’s totally entitled, but it feels ridiculous for you to be exclusive with him under the circumstances, and so you will be accepting dates with other men. You have to take care of yourself – and right now you’re just pushing him further away.

Do you see the picture I’m painting? You have to speak your truth and then take care of yourself. Otherwise he’ll be completely unmotivated to move forward. He KNOWS he’s supposed to ask you to move in with him right now. He KNOWS it. And when he asked you if you were mad – it was because he thought you SHOULD BE – and YES – that would be a normal reaction!

Mull this over – find a GREAT place to live!!! Sign a lease if you have to and …forget about him.

Do NOT just drift away from him and accept his bad behavior just because you don’t know what to do. Do not PRETEND you don’t care – because you DO!!!

Lay it out straight for him. I’ll help you if you like, but just start writing this out based on some of what I wrote here…

Diana – if you keep going this way – you are heading for humiliation. I don’t want that to happen here. Love, Rori

Love, Rori

Here’s a question from Ebony (my comment started here->):

“How do you respond to a man when he shares his feelings and vulnerability? Yesterday I got a text from my guy saying that he was sad and that he wishes that he could win the lottery so that we could start having kids. I was obviously thrown for a loop when he wrote this. I wrote back ‘I love u’ because although I felt happy that he said it I didn’t want to scare him off. He wrote back ‘I love u too but I feel sad.’

When I got home he told me that he was really lonely. I was scared to say the wrong thing, that would in affect be advising him or scaring him off. I just ended up sitting next to him and he pulled me close. I want to be able to let him communicate things like this and know how to respond.. What do you suggest? Ebony”

My answer:

Ebony, There are two possible scenarios here:

1. The man is WAY too much into HIS feelings (not YOURS, where he SHOULD BE) - and expects you to somehow “take care” of him.

2. He feels safe with you emotionally - because he “gets” that YOU can handle YOUR feelings - that you can FEEL them - and so he feels safe feeling his feelings in your presence.

The way you find this out is how YOU feel over time. If he’s always unhappy - he may be depressed, he may simply have a negative attitude - and he will drain you emotionally and energetically for the duration of the relationship. This would mean you’re always feeling a bit tired around him, and finding yourself more bluesy than you want to be.

And the way to handle this, when a man unexpectedly opens up - is to tilt your head to the left, lean back a bit, and nod your head. If you say anything, let it be “wow…” or “bummer…” o r”sounds awful…” or “crap…” or - “wow, you’re so smart…” or “cool…” or “sweet…” or “great…”

In other words - no advice, no comments, no “active listening”  (feeding back what he just said), no suggestions, no anything ….

BE there. This is your chance at Listening at Level 2 (one of my basic Tools - it’s in my ebook). This means not thinking about his situation or how YOU would handle it. (Okay, let’s face it, usually we could handle it better, and it’s just SO nice when he handles something great…) This means not analyzing his behavior or his words.

And Ebony - you did GREAT! You did exactly the right thing, you responded exactly right - so Brava!