Have The Relationship You Want

You know I love movies – and my husband was away this week, and so I got to wallow in chick-flicks and tear-jerkers, and here’s one gem I picked up from Nights In Rodanthe (way too sad for my taste, but very good for tears) – I can’t remember the exact words our heroine said, so I’ll paraphrase with my own thoughts:

There’s a different kind of love, a kind of love where it makes you better than you are – not less. Where you open up to the possibilities – your possibilities.

What she was describing is a relationship that lasted in person only for a weekend, and then for many months by handwritten letter – and straight from the beginning – she and the man (Diane Lane and Richard Gere) open up to each other. They tell their stories, and they tell the truth.

They challenge each other to not fall back into their old patterns, and after the weekend, each becomes MORE. and Better.

He is less ego-centric. Less defensive of himself and open to feeling who other people actually are, their feelings. He becomes more human.

And she stops putting herself last. She rediscovers her strength, her art, and feels free to express herself instead of stuffing everything down in order to cope and be “good.”

So – how can this work for you?

1. Right from the get-go…the first moment you make contact with a man – turn your attention on how you feel about YOURSELF in his presence.

I don’t mean how excited you feel about him, or how drawn to him you feel, or what you think about him and his “potential.”

2. Get curious about HIM. I don’t mean pepper him withn questions like in an interview – just, in your mind and heart, listen to him the way you would to anyone you might meet who has a great story to tell.  Believe that there’s a great story he has to tell, and relax while it’s unfolding into your curiosity.

3. Stay LIGHT.  By this, I mean don’t let a man’s moods or emotions or challenges or dark moments or chronic darkness bring you into the dark.  Don’t go into the dark just to keep him company.  Just to make him feel better.

Always be looking for the fun, the light, the good, the good-feeling – and let it run through you and take you where you want to be.  Be an example to him of what a great life and what great love IS.  If, and when he asks for your voice from the light – from where you’re at – share it with him.  Don’t try to take him anywhere or push him anywhere or protect him.  Just shine your “Light” and be a beacon for him.

Even if he’s a man you’ve never met standing across the room from you at a party.

4. Believe in yourself, so that only a man who believes in you can get through to you. if you’re not feeling that way about yourself right now – meet yourself where you are.  Start from exactly where you are and how you feel about yourself – and aim for LOVE.  Aim for loving yourself so hard, and believing that you can do what you’re meant to do and want to do, and have what you want to have so profoundly that ONLY a man who can make your vison of yourself and your life even BRIGHTER and BIGGER get’s allowed private time with you.

Let me know how this works for you…let’s all get BIG.

Love, Rori

Here’s a situation close to my heart that I haven’t really talked about much before…this letter states the problem exactly, and I’d love to get a dialogue going around it…

“Hi Rori,
I am 27 years old, I been with my high school sweetheart for almost ten years. We have been engaged for about ten years except he hasn’t officially proposed to me because he doesn’t have the money to purchase a ring. I love him and I know he loves me, but one of our biggest problems is our communication. It’s hard to explain, I feel as if one day we are very close and in touch with each others feelings, and the next day we get into a small fight- because I forgot to call or didn’t think about doing or saying something.

I feel like he bites my head off for small things, and if I apologize, (which I seem to do very often) it still doesn’t matter, he still remains upset with me and doesn’t want to get past it and move on. I feel tired of constantly feeling “inadequate” in our relationship. I feel like I’m always walking on eggshells. When I approach to talk to him about “our last fight” he says things like “you can talk all you want but I have nothing new to say.” This type of response from him makes me feel like I can’t fully trust him. One day he tells me that I should trust him more and be able to share anything, because he loves me and he wants to be that support for me. Yet, when I do, he shuts down….

I feel so confused and lost because I feel like he is not following through with his talks about how much he cares about me. I hate fighting with him and everytime it happens I just want to hurry up and make it better, either by apologyzing and clearing the air, etc. so that we can continue to enjoy each other. But, he is totally different, he could care less about making up. He stays like that for a few days until he finally decides that the whole situation is silly and that we should move on. I’m tired of this emotional drain-pattern, in my opinion is not normal.

I feel like we fight more than we make love, and as soon as we begin to reconnect, some stupid fight manages to sneak up on us and then we disconnect again!!! I don’t know what to do in order to feel secure in this relationship, secured to know that he is as crazy about me as I am about him. I don’t want to end the relationship because he truly is an amazing guy, I just don’t know how to inspire him to really SHOW his love for me. Do you think I’m been flaky and emotional?? I feel so insecure about myself right now…

Hope you can give me a helpful advice, Thanks Mary”

Dear Mary – I’m VERY familiar with this – you’ve got a MOODY man.

He has emotional issues. and the way he’s dealing with trying to keep himself together is by blowing steam out at you. The nicer you are, the more understanding you are, the more you tolerate this kind of thing – the worse it’s going to get – because your very “niceness” and “understanding” make him feel even WORSE about HIMSELF – and then he feels angrier with YOU for making him feel that way.

Plus (some bonus…) it completely destroys his ATTRACTION to you because he considers any woman who’d be “nice” to him when he KNOWS he’s being a “jerk” to be pretty much “worthless.” His respect for you will go down – and your self-esteem will take the plunge with it.

Step 1 for you: STOP being overly nice.

When he gets upset. say “I feel awful and I don’t want to fight.” Let him blow off a bit of his anger, and then say “This feels awful, I want to feel close to you, and I don’t want to fight…” and then LEAVE the room! If all he wants to do is vent at you – DON’T be his punching bag!!!

Say – “it would feel great to talk about how we can not have these kinds of fights. I’d love to talk about what’s going on and it doesn’t feel good.”

There may also be something he’s feeling bad and guilty about that you have NO IDEA about (and it may be something you DO know about – work, family, kids, money…) – and so he’s taking it out on you. (And please don’t start getting worried or suspicious – I just want to make you aware – but an attraction to or flirtation with another woman, though it’s just one of hundreds of possibilities of things that might be bothering him, is a possibility. I’ve seen this kind of thing sneak up on many a bright, lovely woman when her man is angry, tense, combative, starting arguments, and making drama.)

My guess is this has nothing to do with you (or any other woman) – and everything to do with something going on with him in his life outside of you that’s making him feel bad.  Money issues alone (and you mention he can’t afford a ring…) can do this to a man.

What you need to do next is to learn to…

Step 2 – TALK

So – how do you talk about problems in a relationship without doing the dreaded “relationship talk”?

First, you have to write this out. Write out a speech full of Feeling Messages and business-like fact gathering. Your goal here is INTIMACY and CLOSENESS – NOT to get him to change, or do what you want.  The DIALOGUE alone is what you want – and ANYTHING that happens is part of that…

Start with “I’ve noticed we’re angry a lot, and fighting a lot, and it feels awful. I don’t know what to do. I know there are things we’re both upset about – (money…sex…whatever’s always coming up), and it would feel so good to talk about it and solve some of it.  Can we talk? Is now a good time? What do you think?”

Let him respond.  Really listen to him, without thinking about your own agenda.

If you’re feeling frightened of his possible anger, and you can feel yourself wanting to walk on eggshells, say “I’m feeling afraid.  I’m afraid of your anger.  I can feel myself wanting to tiptoe and walk on eggshells, and I don’t want to do that.  That feels awful.”

If at any point he starts attacking you verbally – try a Power Speech (my Toxic Men program is all about Power Speeches) – where you say something like - “I hear how angry you are.  I hear that you’re angry with me…This feels scary, and yet I want to feel heard, and so I want to hear you…and yet I feel really, really bad, and now I’m feeling attacked, and I don’t want to feel attacked.  I’m happy to hear how you feel, and I don’t want to be attacked, and so I’m going to leave now…” And just walk backwards and away.

Don’t let him strong-arm you, and don’t let him attack you.  Screaming at you is not attacking you.  Leaning forward with his face red and his fists in the air is pretty scary, but as long as you’re sure he would never touch you or physically hurt you, you want to be able to stand there while he turns red and screams “I’m just so frustrated with you!” (Even though you’d NEVER say that to him – you’d just say “I’m feeling so frustrated!”)

The more anger that’s unexpressed, the more distant the relationship.  There’s no way to heal this without the anger coming up.  You have to be able to hear it without folding – even though it may trigger an old traumatic reaction inside you and make you want to run or scream back – or just freeze.  See if you can do none of those things (it takes practice) – and simply say how you feel.  And when you’ve had enough – just say – “I’ve reached my limit, I can’t hear anymore,” and leave.

If you do this, you’ll break all your old patterns, and you’ll feel so much better and stronger inside.  And if he still can’t join in the dialogue to save your relationship – and without attacking you – then you will likely feel less and less for him.  It will be YOU losing interest in HIM.

Remember – this isn’t about you being understanding and tolerating him however he is.  This is very specifically standing your ground and building YOUR tolerance for being present when he’s angry, and knowing when to walk away when you’ve had enough.

It’s sort of a fearless, powerful thing to do – and he’ll get it right away.

You may be shocked to find the whole anger experience turns into a crying experience – yours AND his – though he’ll likely do anything he can to keep from going there, and anger is a really standard way men get to stay away from their pain.

Remember, too – you may be aware of the pain underneath his anger – but he’s NOT A LITTLE BOY.  Do not “understand” him and be “nice” to him because of the pain you know is underneath. Just build your own ability to tolerate being in the presence of intense emotion – especially YOURS (this is where Modern Siren comes in…) – and you’ll be surprised how quickly things get intimate, and the blow ups become less and less a part of your relationship.

Try getting your mind around this, and then practice in your imagination.  Let me know what happens next time…Love, Rori

This is a guest post from Erin Ginkel – she sent me this out of the blue, and I thought it was so terrific, I wanted you to see it…I’ve since got in touch with her – and she really is terrific. She’s a life and relationship coach and you can find her here: www.alwayschallengeunhappiness.net -

Ever since I have started my amazing journey toward becoming a modern siren, I “hear” Rori’s teachings in pretty much everything I read, watch or listen to.

I recently watched a movie called “Take The Lead” with Antonio Banderas.This movie is based around a ballroom dance teacher (Mr. Dulaine) who takes it upon himself to start teaching ballroom dance (waltz, tango, foxtrot, etc.) to some inner city troubled teens. He is a very philosophical man and believes dance can be equated to life.

Several quotes in this movie were centered on the trust it takes to “dance” successfully with a partner. I have included a few examples below:

(Mr. Dulaine is trying to teach Rock and LaRhette to dance)
Mr. Dulaine: We are just going to move very simply.Let’s just walk.

(LaRhette takes a strong lead in the dancing and starts pushing Rock back on the floor–completely controlling the dance)Mr. Dulaine: No, no, no LaRhette, the man leads. It is the woman’s job to follow.

LaRhette: Oh, so if he gets to lead, then he’s gonna think he is boss?

Mr. Dulaine: No, but he is not.You see, the man proposes the step.It is the woman’s choice to accept by following. Now, to follow takes as much strength as to lead.
———

(Mr. Dulaine is teaching LaRhette and Rock how to dance the waltz.)
Mr Dulaine: The Waltz.It cannot be done without trust between partners.

LaRhette: Well, its not gonna happen.

Mr Dulaine: But trust must to be earned.

Rock: Good luck with that….

Mr Dulaine: Alright, I have something here that is going to help.
(Wraps his tie around her eyes so she cannot see)

LaRhette: Don’t put that thing on my eyes!

Mr Dulaine: I asking you to do something VERY courageous.

LaRhette: Besides dance with him?

(Talking to Rock about dancing with a blindfolded LaRhette)
Mr Dulaine: Now Rock, You have the opportunity to use every bit of strength and skill you possess–not to dominate her–but to take her on a journey.It is a lot to ask.
IF and HOW you take the journey–that’s entirely up to you.
———-

(Mr. Dulaine begins to dance with the school principal to illustrate a point to a group of disapproving parents.)
Mr. Dulaine: You see…if she allows me to lead, she is trusting me.But more than that, she is trusting herself.
———-

As I said, these quotes just seemed to jump right out of my television and into my heart. I love the piece about the man not being the “boss” just because he leads but instead it is us who make the choice to follow his lead. In the moment, it can often feel so very weak—to let him lead.It really IS a choice though. We forget that we could simply not dance at all. Technically, we make that choice to dance, to take his hand, to TRUST, from the moment when we very first commit to our men and every day after that.

I do believe choosing to follow does take as much strength as taking the lead.Rori’s “vulnerability equals strength” started repeating in my head as I watched this scene.It takes our courage because we have to actually trust ourselves—we have to LOVE ourselves.I know without a doubt that the ability to trust is DIRECTLY related to the love I have for myself.

We have to know that we are amazing and beautiful and fantastic and him leading doesn’t take anything away from that beauty.It actually adds to it.The fact that we choose to be vulnerable and let him “take us on a journey” makes him absolutely certain that we are the only girl in the room that he will ever want to dance with.

Erin
www.alwayschallengeunhappiness.net

This is a jump off from a question from Robin -

“My pattern seems to be getting put in the ‘friends’ category. When I was a teenager, I thought this was the way to go, because I always heard from people that you want to “marry your best friend.” Or that you have a better chance of being with someone if you are their friend first.

Looking back, I can see how I came to this conclusion; my grandparents were best friends, and theirs was the healthiest of relationships I could observe at that time in my life.

And even that was not all that healthy and not completely what I want for my own life…

I really value a friendship element in a long-term relationship, and can see from others in my life that this is important for marriage, BUT…

I’m missing something if I keep getting put in that category. And I can’t quite figure out how to undo this pattern, because I formed this pattern, thinking it was a good thing to go to one extreme of the spectrum.

Is there a specific way to break this pattern all at once, or is this something for baby steps??“

Here’s my answer:

The truth is – we KNOW a friend from a lover.  Hanging out with a male “friend” can be fantastic.  My men friends saved my emotional life countless times, and those memories are some of my best.

Unless a man is gay, however (which is why gay men are often the best friends) – you can TELL if he’s hanging out with you because of genuine friendship or if he’s “interested” in you in more romantic ways.

And it feels GREAT if a man is “interested” in you and wants to be around you – especially if he’s romantically interested in you, because that adds another dimension that makes you feel attractive and sexy in his presence – not just like a “pal” – and if what you pick up from him is that he’s not romantically interested – as long as YOU don’t have those kinds of feelings for him – it doesn’t MATTER!  You can enjoy being with him no matter WHAT his level of interest, as long as it feels like fun – and as long as you don’t CARE.

The reverse is completely NOT GOOD for you – where you are hanging out with a man who has expressed “friendship” in words, deeds, and energy – and YOU feel MORE.

Just don’t do that.  Don’t hang out with men friends when you wish there were more.  Just don’t do it.

Now – here’s a wrinkle.  We’re friends with people because we feel attracted to them. This includes the “geeky” guy we know who’s funny and makes us laugh.  This includes our girlfriends.  Anyone we feel good around, anyone we want to talk to, be with, stand near – we feel attracted to.  And I don’t just mean “platonically.”

I know this is hard to embrace.  But the truth is – there is an erotic component to this attraction.  The next time you find yourself talking with someone you couldn’t IMAGINE feeling erotically attracted to – a homeless person, a person you might label as “ugly” – or the wrong gender – if you can embrace the truth that you are erotically attracted to that person as well as attracted on intellectual and emotional levels – you will get this so much faster.

In other words – if you like being around a person – there is a part of you that feels erotically attracted to them. It doesn’t mean you find this person appropriate for a relationship, and it doesn’t mean you feel romantically attracted to them.  It just means you feel sexually, erotically attracted.

And what happens with most of us?  When we’re faced with an erotic attraction to someone “inappropriate” – we shut down.

And I don’t want you to do that.

I want you to stay open to ALWAYS feeling erotically attracted to YOURSELF – and so you will ALWAYS be radiating a sexual, sensual, erotic vibe. We’re all afraid of what will happen if we open ourselves up like that – and I want you to embrace that fear and open up anyway.

So – what you may feel from a man who says he wants “friendship” is that EROTIC component he also feels.  You may just hook it up to your OWN feelings for him, because these energies bounce off of each other, or you may mistake that erotic energy for ROMANTIC feelings.

This is how it gets so confusing with a man who says “friends” but feels like more than that to you.  This is why a man can sleep with you and still consider you just a “friend.”

It’s not cruelty.  He’s not trying to hurt you.  It’s just simpler for him than it is for you.

So don’t go there.  Just say NO to “just friends.”

Circular Date.  Do the Whole Targeting Mr. Right “Diva” stuff – and it will get clear to you…Love, Rori