Have The Relationship You Want

So here I am, standing on a stage in a small theater, with 20 people and the teacher in light in front of me and the lovely man in the chair opposite me playing the man in the scene for me (even though I’m doing a monologue, he is joining me on the stage to give me someone to work off of).

I’m doing a monologue from the film Minnie and Moskowitz (playing Minnie), and my sole goal up here is to be fearless.

All I want is to allow whatever emotions come up to come up. And I want everyone in front of me to be able to see them. I wanted to be completely exposed.  For them to see all of me, especially the darkest parts of me that show up.

And as I focus on the actor in front of me (though I’m the only one talking), and I feel myself speaking these words in the middle of the “preparation” I did for the monologue (making choices about what she’s really trying to accomplish here, what she’s trying to tell him, what she’s sharing about herself, what she wants…), and the fear and hopefulness and weirdness I feel up here — all of a sudden without even trying, I feel myself over taken by emotion.

Now, you have to understand this is not normal for me. My first response to an upwelling of the motion is always to clamp down on it. That’s why I’ve created all the Tools in Modern Siren about allowing your feelings to come up — Tools like “Fall To Your Knees” — that help you practice getting “into” your emotions without ever pushing them out in the old ways that don’t work.

So I’m here practicing expressing myself in Minnie’s words, aiming for expressing what Minnie wants while still feeling what I’m feeling. And this acting thing is very, very personal. The teacher is stressing how personal all this is. How unless we make it very, very personal, it’s not going to be as powerful.

And all of a sudden I feel myself gasping for breath. I see myself about to completely fall apart.  The words I’m saying are triggering me. I focus on breathing, on staying still, on saying the words, feeling the words, and letting it happen all by itself.  I focus on NOT STOPPING the process. And believe it or not, the lights and the people in front of me and the theater make all this EASIER!

How can this be? you ask. How can having people around you actually make it easier for you to let your feelings out? It’s because an acting class is a safe place to do this.
(Of course you have to have a good teacher, and I’m lucky enough to have found a supurb one -  her name is Judith Weston and we’re in Culver City).

In an acting class, everyone is there to support you doing this. Everyone wants to learn to be fearless. Everyone wants to get into their feelings and express them. Everyone knows that this is the highest calling of an actor. Everyone is trying to get past their emotional obstacles. Everyone wants to loosen up. Everyone wants to be in touch with themselves, and everyone wants to share everything about themselves with everyone else in this room. And we are all equally challenged.

Some of us have more access to our emotions than others. With all the work that I’ve been doing with Somatic Trauma Resolution, EFT, and every Tool I have developed and discovered and shared with you, I have, when I am in a safe place, a huge desire and some ability to be fearless. And it’s all about practicing, because I put myself in situations to trigger this practice for being fearless.

So how can you take this experience from an acting class into your regular life and work with it? Well I know that after only two classes I am much much much more expressive with my husband. I am much, much, much more fearless. So, you could take an acting class. You could take an improvisation class. And if none of that is available you can practice in the bathroom. You can create your own safe space in your bedroom.

So try this:

Write yourself a speech. Write yourself a monologue. Write it about a woman who wants something. And write about what it feels like to want that thing. Now memorize that speech. Now find yourself a safe place where you’re all alone. Imagine that there are people standing in front of you and lights shining on you, and that everyone is rooting for you. And now let the speech out. Share the speech and while you share the words of the speech, see how you’re feeling.

See if you’re going numb. See if you’re weaving around the room and leaning from side to side and moving your arms around. See if you can make yourself be very, very still. See if you can breathe while you’re saying the speech. Now let’s try some other things — and Judith is going to help us through me.

Write down some reasons why you’re saying the speech (and of course imagine someone in particular that you’re saying the speech to). Write down what it is you really, truly want to say — even if the words themselves aren’t saying those things.

And try some extreme ideas: try begging and pleading. Try trying to punish the person you’re talking to. See how the words come out differently without you trying to do anything when your objective is to beg and plead for something as opposed to trying to punish someone for something.

What this exercise can do for you is to help you see that the way you use words is completely flexible. You can even say I hate you too man without trying to punish him, or attack him, or plead for him to do something. You can say I hate you while what you really are trying to tell him is that I love you.

As you experiment with this you will see that the old ways of saying things and doing things aren’t necessary anymore.

Try this in your bathroom or your bedroom, and let me know that works for you and I’ll keep giving you some new tools as we go along, courtesy of Judith. (Oh if you live in Los Angeles and are interested in taking Judith’s classes let me know.)

Love, Rori

How can you move forward in your life without “letting go” of him?  And still “dump him” and “stop contact”?

This is a jump off of the last post, inspired by the comments. Here are two that sparked me:

Erika said:
“…sometimes if I ignore a guy, I actually end up thinking about him MORE. It feels all unresolved.”

Then JasonSavage said:
“I advocate resolve through actively ignoring him and simple acts of symbolic detachment.”

And Daria, too, talks about really loving having men around her and feeling good about it.

The thing here is this – J, in the letter that started the original post, does NOT feel good with the “ex” who’s contacting her at this moment.  The idea of friendship is NOT clear and easy and about …friends.  It’s all clouded and complex and involves all kinds of triggers.  And this was not a Circular Dating relationship – this was BEFORE J figured out how to Circular Date – this was an exclusive relationship with sex.  And she still feels attached and emotional – as would almost ALL of us.

I often agree with Jason on most of this -  and though it’s a very harsh view coming from me, but you can see from Jason how a man sees ANY response we make to a man — no matter what we say, if we respond, the “friendship” is “on.”

What I’m going to add to this conversation is about what Erika calls “resolve.”  This is the same as what I call “closure” – and you know I don’t believe in closure.

This is the shocking, provoking part of what I say around this kind of thing:

Don’t even TRY to IMAGINE closure.  Forget closure.  Forget resolution.  Forget tying things up in a nice bundle, all knots untied, everything smoothed out.

This is just not part of having a real, PASSIONATE life.

Needing closure is something we women have absolutely been trained for.

We are perfectionist in many ways, managing things – so much of it comes from our genes – the need to cook, watch the fire, listen for the baby, and ward off intruders all at the same time.

This need for closure is, I believe – at the bottom of all our womanly stress.

So, I also say, forget about the whole concept of “letting go.”  It’s just not a viable image.

For me – (and I have a bunch of posts on this…most with horses in the pictures…) the idea is to keep moving down your own road, stick on your path, stay with your horse, keep moving, expanding, breathing, going deeper and deeper into your feelings and your life, becoming more and more passionate about life itself – and just not allowing ANYTHING to distract you.  Not allowing anything to “capture” you and throw you off balance and off course.

You can take a memory of a man with you down your road.  You can dream about him when you sleep.  You can take from what you had with him that makes you feel good and helps you understand yourself, that helps you riff and process and expand.

To do this – you DON’T NEED HIM TO BE AROUND IN REAL LIFE.

I’m going to say that again.  Once a man has outlived his usefulness in his concrete, human form – once his presence makes you go backwards and into your head and out of your body and feeling not good about yourself – you don’t want him around.  Period.  You’re done.  He’s history.

But that doesn’t mean he’s left the planet, or left your psyche.

He might still be in your rock band, or in your theater company, or at your yoga class, or sweating next to you at your gym, or sitting next to you at your work.  He might be the father of your children. He might be a superstar you see on billboards and hear about from friends and strangers every day.  He could be your lawyer, or your coach, or your children’s friend’s father.

It doesn’t mean he has nothing to offer you – even if it’s only a reminder of what you DON’T want.

And it doesn’t mean you have to be especially nice to him, or welcoming, or reasonable.

And it doesn’t mean you have to notice him much, or think about him, or wonder about him, or talk about him.

It just means he’s there.  He still lives and breathes.

It’s not about “reality.”  It’s about “energy.”

And this isn’t hocus-pocus or magic, because it’s not about HIS energy – it’s about YOURS.

The simple truth is – if you stop FIGHTING your feelings for him and pull toward him, and thoughts about him – and simply REFOCUS your mind, body and heart around something NEW – something that FEELS GOOD – something that’s MEANINGFUL to you – it will overpower the energy you’re showering on this undeserving man.

So – instead of rituals and symbolic acts to LET GO of him (because then it’s STILL all about HIM…) what we need here is rituals and symbolic acts to hang onto, hold onto, embrace, worship and adore OURSELVES.

The result we’re going for is not to free HIM – but to free US.

Can you imagine what that would look like and feel like?

What would it look like and feel like to feel free as a bird around your thoughts and feelings about a man?  To be able to do what makes you happy even though thoughts of him and about him continue to intrude?

I guarantee you that if you find things to immerse yourself in – things that capture your attention in a wonderful, fulfilling and satisfying way…they will way outshine any man’s old, worn-out pull on you.  Your light will expose the shabbiness of the man, the obsolescence of him.

You’ll start to feel this:  “Done.”

It’s not about “over.”  It’s not about “forgetting.”  It’s not about “Letting Go” so you “don’t” have a mental, physical or emotional experience around him when he isn’t actually there.  It’s about just getting so passionate about yourself and what you love in life that you become bored by him.

Most of the time, a man who is not good for us came into our lives for one reason:  We invited him in as a “do-over.”

It could be a do-over of our childhoods, when the only way we could get love and attention was by working our butts off.

It could be a do-over of a trauma where we felt helpless to take care of ourselves.

It could be a do-over of a mistake that feels desperately like it needs “closure” and “mastery.”

Forget about all that.

Instead – focus on being kind to yourself.  Focus on what you like.  On what makes you feel good.  Do that.  Think that. Take yourself there.

Erika talks a lot about EFT – Emotional Freedom Technique, and I love the technique too – here’s one little piece of it I’m going to apply to this post:

Say to yourself: “Even though I feel attached to this man and drawn to have closure with him, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.”

Then get back on your horse and ride – with him or without him, whether he’s hanging onto the saddle, gripping you for dear life, or trying to get you to stop and let him on, or whether you’re holding him with one hand behind you as you ride on.

The important thing is NOT what HE’S doing, or where HE is.

The important thing is that YOU are RIDING ON!!!

Love, Rori

Here’s a letter from J – and I had very strong feelings when I read it, because I know J’s history with this man. And also – most truthfully – because this is exactly the way I was, this is exactly the kind of question I would have asked of Rori Raye long ago, and I do NOT want you to have to go to this awful place.

“Hi Rori,

A guy who essentially disappeared from dating me…due to family issues, etc. had recently been contacting me, mostly via text. It’s brought up some feelings for me (i.e., hurt, anger, sadness, and frustration). It is good to hear from him, since i did care about him and we loved each other, however I feel he is truly clueless to the effect of his actions, since he contacts me in a very casual manner…as if he’s being friendly. I’ve texted back that if it’s his intention to contact me that I would prefer to speak with him.

He’s been texting, trying to figure out a time we could chat., which may be tonight, if I’m not busy doing other things.

My question: Even though I took your advice about this guy and acknowledged his lack of contact, etc by telling him I realize your feelings are not there anymore and this is over, but to let me know if there was something that pushed him away, for the next time. He didn’t respond to that….we planned to meet to discuss but that never panned out.

So here is my question: What if he calls to simply chat about how I am, etc…I feel this is a good opportunity to express my anger and frustration that he’s caused me. I don’t know how to bring it up, because I honestly think he will not bring anything up. Thank you. J.”

And here’s my answer:

J – This is where you ask yourself some hard questions – And the first question is “WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!???? Why are you letting this guy come in and rake you over the coals again???!!!” (You can see I got excited, with all the heavy punctuation.)

I’m just going to say this straight out, because we’ve talked before and I know I can be tough with you — DUMP HIM.

Stop talking to him. You don’t need another friend, especially not a MALE friend, and that’s all he wants. Make that crystal clear — “Hi, it feels great to be in contact again, and yet I know that I still have feelings, so if what you’re looking for here is friendship, I just don’t wish to pursue friendships with men right now, so I wish you well and will not be staying in contact.”

If you were ready to ask him a question that would be helpful to you…you wouldn’t be feeling all this anger, hurt, etc. Do NOT give in and spew it on him. It will make you feel humiliated. Stay away from him if you feel all these things.

Now – let’s take this out into all our experience. This is about being so attached to any one man that you cut off the possibilities of other great men finding you. It’s like putting a fence around yourself that’s marked with the man-you’re- zeroed-in-on’s name. It’s like he’s peed on you, and marked you as his territory, and you’re showing his urine stain to the world.

I know that was a really harsh metaphor – but I want to really drive this home. Even just THINKING about a man is letting him “mark” you – and I don’t want you to do that!

I hear you making up all kinds of reasons for staying in contact with this man, like –

1. It seems harmless.
2. Perhaps you can get information from him about what happened (and I know I suggested this long ago – but that was long ago, when you were hurting anyway and it wouldn’t have hurt you more, or it might work if you were TRULY OVER HIM, but you’re clearly not.)

If you’re hurt over a man, you’re not over him. I don’t care how long ago it was. And talking to him again will only re-open the wound.

Let it heal. Forget him, or let him be your “muse,” or carry him with you on your horse into the rest of your life – but don’t let him have any control over you…

How you “use” him and the memory of him to HELP you and get you what you want is YOUR choice, and you should feel totally okay and happy and good about how you do that.

Letting him worm his way back into your waking life puts HIM in YOUR driver’s seat. And if you try hard to turn that around, you’ll just dig yourself in deeper.

Move AWAY from him – not back into his energy field.

Let me know how this works for you, and please share all your experiences with this kind of thing…

Love, Rori

I did an interview for BraveHeartWomen.com that’s showing today—it might be helpful to you. It’s a community of women, kind of cool…I did it because Mariel Hemingway is on the interviewing panel, and I loved her movie “Personal Best” – and of course “Manhattan” – so it was a thrill for me to meet her.  And then I got very excited about the whole thing, though I haven’t had time to look around and play the videos much.    Here’s the link:

Rori on BraveHeartWomen…