Have The Relationship You Want

Here’s a letter from J - and I had very strong feelings when I read it, because I know J’s history with this man. And also - most truthfully - because this is exactly the way I was, this is exactly the kind of question I would have asked of Rori Raye long ago, and I do NOT want you to have to go to this awful place.

“Hi Rori,

A guy who essentially disappeared from dating me…due to family issues, etc. had recently been contacting me, mostly via text. It’s brought up some feelings for me (i.e., hurt, anger, sadness, and frustration). It is good to hear from him, since i did care about him and we loved each other, however I feel he is truly clueless to the effect of his actions, since he contacts me in a very casual manner…as if he’s being friendly. I’ve texted back that if it’s his intention to contact me that I would prefer to speak with him.

He’s been texting, trying to figure out a time we could chat., which may be tonight, if I’m not busy doing other things.

My question: Even though I took your advice about this guy and acknowledged his lack of contact, etc by telling him I realize your feelings are not there anymore and this is over, but to let me know if there was something that pushed him away, for the next time. He didn’t respond to that….we planned to meet to discuss but that never panned out.

So here is my question: What if he calls to simply chat about how I am, etc…I feel this is a good opportunity to express my anger and frustration that he’s caused me. I don’t know how to bring it up, because I honestly think he will not bring anything up. Thank you. J.”

And here’s my answer:

J - This is where you ask yourself some hard questions - And the first question is “WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!???? Why are you letting this guy come in and rake you over the coals again???!!!” (You can see I got excited, with all the heavy punctuation.)

I’m just going to say this straight out, because we’ve talked before and I know I can be tough with you — DUMP HIM.

Stop talking to him. You don’t need another friend, especially not a MALE friend, and that’s all he wants. Make that crystal clear — “Hi, it feels great to be in contact again, and yet I know that I still have feelings, so if what you’re looking for here is friendship, I just don’t wish to pursue friendships with men right now, so I wish you well and will not be staying in contact.”

If you were ready to ask him a question that would be helpful to you…you wouldn’t be feeling all this anger, hurt, etc. Do NOT give in and spew it on him. It will make you feel humiliated. Stay away from him if you feel all these things.

Now - let’s take this out into all our experience. This is about being so attached to any one man that you cut off the possibilities of other great men finding you. It’s like putting a fence around yourself that’s marked with the man-you’re- zeroed-in-on’s name. It’s like he’s peed on you, and marked you as his territory, and you’re showing his urine stain to the world.

I know that was a really harsh metaphor - but I want to really drive this home. Even just THINKING about a man is letting him “mark” you - and I don’t want you to do that!

I hear you making up all kinds of reasons for staying in contact with this man, like –

1. It seems harmless.
2. Perhaps you can get information from him about what happened (and I know I suggested this long ago - but that was long ago, when you were hurting anyway and it wouldn’t have hurt you more, or it might work if you were TRULY OVER HIM, but you’re clearly not.)

If you’re hurt over a man, you’re not over him. I don’t care how long ago it was. And talking to him again will only re-open the wound.

Let it heal. Forget him, or let him be your “muse,” or carry him with you on your horse into the rest of your life - but don’t let him have any control over you…

How you “use” him and the memory of him to HELP you and get you what you want is YOUR choice, and you should feel totally okay and happy and good about how you do that.

Letting him worm his way back into your waking life puts HIM in YOUR driver’s seat. And if you try hard to turn that around, you’ll just dig yourself in deeper.

Move AWAY from him - not back into his energy field.

Let me know how this works for you, and please share all your experiences with this kind of thing…

Love, Rori

I did an interview for BraveHeartWomen.com that’s showing today—it might be helpful to you. It’s a community of women, kind of cool…I did it because Mariel Hemingway is on the interviewing panel, and I loved her movie “Personal Best” - and of course “Manhattan” - so it was a thrill for me to meet her.  And then I got very excited about the whole thing, though I haven’t had time to look around and play the videos much.    Here’s the link:

Rori on BraveHeartWomen…