Have The Relationship You Want

Hi – just a very quick post to thank you all – to say how absolutely lovely the energy is on here. Can you feel it?

Everything’s soft and deep – and it’s so relaxing to read through the comments – it’s like every comment of yours is a gem – so helpful – peaceful, even.

I can feel the insights and the dedication to yourselves and each other and to getting what you want, and especially the support and love. Love to you all, Rori

If you’re feeling confused about how “much” to do in your relationship with your man – so that you are warm and loving without OverGiving – Here’s an exchange with one of my clients, Diana, that will be very helpful.

“Hi Rori,
I have not been able to find a nice place to live so I asked John if I could live with him until I can find a place. I barely said it and he was saying yes. He did not hesitate at all. So, after all of this back and forth for 2 months I am going to live with him…at least for a while. I am putting a lot of stuff in storage so it is just temporary. Anyway, I was so happy he said yes because I have not found a place that felt good to me. Now today, I am starting to get scared.

How do I keep leaning back if I am with him all of the time? It is so easy when we aren’t together but now I won’t be able to do the same things. He won’t have to make an effort to see me. That maybe worries me more than anything. It seems like it will be easy now for him and I don’t think he acts right when things are easy. Don’t all of these things get harder when you live with someone?

I know you help women who are married so I should be able to keep things good while living with him but I am unsure how to do it. Also, I don’t want to get too wrapped up in him. I don’t want to lose myself again. Ugh! Please help! Thanks!! Diana”

Here’s my answer to the first question:

Actually, Diana – this is a lot like what happened to me with my husband. I lost my roommate, and it seemed logical for him to move in – and then I felt trapped sort of –but I was able to make it work because he really wanted me. Let’s see what happens. Let’s see how much he wants you.

Just make this time with him heaven on earth, easy-going, be “Miss Whatever” and FOCUS on YOU!!! Love, Rori

And Diana followed up:

“Thanks Rori! I have a question. What do you mean by saying be “Miss Whatever”? Do you just mean being easy going? I doubt you mean to do whatever he wants or act like I don’t care but I need to qualify this.

Also, I was reading one of your newsletters and it says to never initiate sex. Do you just mean that when you are trying to get things on the right track? I mean it must be ok once in a while when things are pretty good or is that incorrect?

Things are pretty good so far. I am focusing on myself and being watchful of doing too much for him. It’s a little hard in that when you are with someone you are supposed to be there for each other and help each other out. I just get so worried I will do more than I should and then that will be leaning forward. What I have been doing is not offering and just doing when he asks and when it works for me. I fight with myself on what is being too nice and leaning forward.

Anyway, I am doing better all of the time so that’s good. He has been very loving to me lately too. Thanks again for all of your help! Love, Diana”

And here’s my answer to all this…it’s like we’re getting from “theory” into all the possible scenarios:

Diana – just get this word in your head – RESPOND. If he wants to talk with you, listen, be there.

Initiating sex for a woman is simply wearing something soft and sexy, and smiling warmly while FEELING sexy. Once you get how this works energetically, you won’t wonder if and when…it will feel more organic to respond and you’ll feel the difference between responding and overfunctioning.

Also – if he ASKS you to do something – DO IT. That’s a direction, instruction. If it’s okay with you to do it, do it. That’s following. Trust me – your equality as a person will show up in how amazing your BUSINESS is, and how independent you instinctively are. You don’t need to do more than that. In terms of the relationship, “Miss Whatever” means easy-going, following along…no agenda. Love, Rori

Okay…now there are some big points here that need lots of time to go through, and I’ll just list them here and then branch into a bunch of other posts around all of this…

1. Miss Whatever

2. LeaningBack as Responding and What Responding looks like that is NOT initiating, Overfunctioning, Giving, controlling, having an agenda…

3. How your power as a PERSON works together with your VULNERABILITY and availability as a WOMAN. How they are NOT different sides of you – they are part of the entire SCALE of you – from bass to treble…

Let me know your specific questions about these points, and I’ll incorporate them into the posts…

Love, Rori

Here’s the age-old problem – where does sex fit in the scheme of  “relationship”? Especially at the very beginning? A comment from – I’ll call her “Gina” stated this issue so well, with a lot for me to talk about:

“Rori, I’ve recently met a man that I feel has much potential to be a great partner, the thing is on our second meeting we slept together. It was phenomenal, and we are both very much wanting it to happen again….however, I do not want to be a “one hit wonder” and do happen to think more of my self than that but to say no is difficult for me.

I freak out if I don’t hear from him and realize that I am making more out of it then it really is. He doesn’t know that I’m freaking of course but I can’t manage to hold it together around my friends and I’m a total mess. How do I break this cycle, even if it doesn’t work out with this guy…what about the future. I’m 42 and have never been married, I so desperately want to experience the love and passion in a true relationship. You’ve got your work cut out in me! Gina”

Okay here is my first hit on this situation.

Gina says straight out something that we all think, and that just kills our self-esteem and screws up all the good feelings between us and the man so far.

She says about the sex, “It was phenomenal, and we are both very much wanting it to happen again….however, I do not want to be a “one hit wonder” and do happen to think more of my self than that…”

So basically, Gina, you did something that now you feel ashamed of. Ick. You did something that now you want to backtrack from. And not only “something”… but something “phenomenal.”

So how did we get to this state?

How do we do something so full-out that it’s fantastic and then regret it later?

If you think more of yourself than you think of a “woman who would have sex with a man on her second meeting” — and YOU are that “woman” — then what hope does your self-esteem have?

What hope can you have to feel good about yourself and about this man the next time you see him, if you’re feeling guilty and ashamed and angry and bad about the really good time you just had with him?

Does this make sense?

Of course not. Absolutely not. And yet we do this to ourselves all the time.

Also, Gina, you say that “…saying no is difficult for me…”

So this is a good thing to look at.  How exactly do we learn to say NO? I’m going to talk about the “how” of that in another post….for now, I want to focus on WHY you’d want to say No. What’s the point?  What drives a decision to say No?

This is really, really important to consider before you just go around “deciding” what you should say Yes to and what you should say No to. You are not saying No because there’s something wrong with saying Yes. You’re not saying No because there’s something wrong with the request. You’re not saying No because there’s something wrong with the man.

You’re saying No because it doesn’t feel good to you.

And though you think it might feel good to you AT ANOTHER TIME – at this moment, it doesn’t feel good to you.

That’s the only reason. In fact, it has nothing to do with him.

This is the trick, the key, the essential, the solution, the secret — learning how to tell what is a feeling and what is a thought about your feeling.

To tell the difference between a real, honest, gut-level feeling, and a feeling that is COVERING the real, honest, truthful feeling.

In other words, if your feeling is anxiety, or if you’re going numb, those sensations are covering up a deeper feeling.

It takes practice. It takes practice getting in touch with your feelings as best you can and then acting from there. It takes doing that over and over and over again, until you get a real sense of how YOU work.

Now let’s say that George Clooney, or Christian Bale, or Johnny Depp, or somebody that really floats your boat, hits you up for a one night stand. Would you say no to that? Would you make an allowance for that? Would you just go for it and then beat yourself up later? Does the power of the man and the celebrity of the man change the equation?

Or… is the bottom line of all this about… Pleasure?

Do you have to say no to pleasure? Does saying yes to pleasure automatically mean you’re going to beat yourself up the next day? Does saying yes to pleasure mean that you are somehow going against your opinions about how sex fits into relationship?

If this reads like a lot of rules to you — that’s really what it is. A lot of rules. Way too many rules.

In my book, from here, in my imagination, I would say a very quick yes to George Clooney or Johnny Depp — but in real life, it might feel icky.

It might feel so obviously like it meant absolutely “nothing” that I wouldn’t even be able to have a pleasurable time. Never mind that I would have less charge on what happened the next day around this, because if I had low self-esteem to begin with, I would never assume that I could compete with all the other women that are available to George Clooney, Christian Bale and Johnny Depp, and so I would be going into that situation feeling LESS THAN.

So for starters on this way to getting what you really truly want as quickly as possible, I want you to commit yourself completely, totally, and passionately to your own pleasure.

This means that when something feels pleasurable to you you do not immediately counteract it with some kind of pain. We are all brought up to think that pleasure is somehow evil in some way. Guilt is how we’ve all been managed our whole lives.

I want you to stop that. I want you to look pleasure in the eye, and claim it as your own. So…

If you should decide in the moment that experiencing pleasure with a man feels good and you want to go ahead and do it, and then later on you find yourself all bound to him hormonally and wish you hadn’t done it, just file it away for next time.

Don’t bully yourself for taking pleasure in the moment. In fact, you might find that if you let up on yourself, the pleasure might just have stood all by itself. Maybe the experience was a stand-alone. Maybe it didn’t need to have any more meaning — maybe a relationship wasn’t required. All of these are opinions and thoughts that you have to kind of mull around.

I don’t want you to be run by some internal taskmaster. You need to have some experience with things. You need to experiment. And you need to go easy on yourself while you’re experimenting.

So can we turn this around, Gina?

I want you to say, “I had such a phenomenal time with this man, it doesn’t matter what happens next.”

And I want you to live by that. If you did it, if it happened — there was some kind of lesson in there for you. There was something you’re supposed to learn. At the top of the fund scale might be happy ever after. But the bottom can’t be all that bad now can it? At the bottom is only pleasure for one night.

With this attitude, you can choose to say Yes or No to the man the next time – and you can speak to him in Feeling Messages about your confusion – ALL BASED on how it feels to you in the moment.  The question isn’t whether or not you sleep with him.  The question is how you handle that afterwards.  Can you take it for pleasure, and not for “tomorrow” – or are you stuck in “tomorrow”?

If you DO feel stuck in “tomorrow” and what having sex will “mean” to him and to the possibility of a relationship…then it’s plain not going to feel good to you to sleep with him.  And if you feel all gorgeous and sexy and juicy and happy, and you don’t care what happens “tomorrow” – then you’re light years ahead of where you thought you were – and you’re on target for Happy Ever After with…your Mr. Right…woever he is and whenever he shows up.

Go easy on yourself Gina. Let me know how this attitude works for you. And later, let’s use the information you gather with your experimenting and experiencing to learn the Why, What, How-To and What If about saying “No.”

Love, Rori

Here’s a great question from Mercedes – and Mercedes has true confidence, is strong, independent, feisty, and a true goddess – and still, just like all of us, she has places where there’s still more to learn, more to receive, more to….. (I’m just printing the entire conversation – even though you can see it here as comments…)

“Rori:  I have a problem…no idea how to deal with it and I’d like your advice. For some reason, I don’t feel comfortable posting this on the blog because…well…people have an idea about who I am and I’m pretty sure I’d be judged. Maybe I’m wrong and if you want this on the blog, I’ll do it but I’d rather start here.

My boyfriend is a very amazing man. He treats me like a goddess all of the time (well….at least since I stopped making mistakes and kicked the walls around his heart down. LOL). But I need to give you a little background.

This man has lots of money. I do okay..but I don’t by any means have lots of money. I have enough to easily take care of myself and if I needed say a new refridgerator…well…I could pay cash for a decent one. He, on the other hand, has LOTS of money and treats himself (and me) very well. We live different lifestyles when it comes to spending.

One of the things he’s always said he loves about me is how independent I am. He told me once that any other woman would have quit her job and asked him to buy her a car by now. I’m not like that. I am proud of myself for being able to take care of myself and though I let him treat when we go out or spend time together, I take care of my own bills, etc.

Here’s the kicker. My car broke down. It’s really junk and it’s starting to scare me (being on the road in a major US city). Last night, he offered to buy me a car. He wants me to have something nice and certainly something reliable so he doesn’t have to worry about me. I can’t afford something nice and probably can’t even afford something reliable. I have financial goals set and am working hard to achieve those goals and buying a new car isn’t something that fits right now. I just really, really can’t buy that car.

So…knowing he’s always been worried about women who would use him for money. Knowing he’s attracted to me, in part, because I’ve never asked him for money. Knowing he loves my independence and loves that I take care of myself when it comes to my financial needs. And knowing that’s a lot of why we’re still together (he has no fear of my taking advantage of him)…

Well…what do you think I should do? I’m worried that even though this offer comes from his heart, he will eventually see me as just like all those other women. He probably believes in his heart that I’ll figure something out. I’ve figured it out before and not “needed” him to “take care of me”. What do you think the chances are that this will be a total turnoff? Do you think I should let him buy it and then make payments to him for it? I’m lost here.

We’re in a place where we know we’re going to spend the rest of our lives together. That’s a fact. We’re in love and he’s asked me to move in with him on multiple occasions. I haven’t given up my apartment yet because I’m not ready for that step but I know he loves me. I want that love to last. Do you think he’ll see this as me using him for money (I mean eventually, not right away, right now, he’s offering because he knows he can help..but later…down the road…what will he think)? I really don’t know what to do.

Again, I’ll put this on the blog and let the other women offer advice if you want me to, but…I’ve come so far with this man and set so many good boundaries and opened his heart and the lines of communication. I’ve worked so hard. I don’t want to do this wrong (and he knows about all of this….he knows how uncomfortable I am with my situation right now) so…I really would like to have the advice of a professional here if you’re willing to help me out…

Much Love, Mercedes”

Here’s my first answer:

Mercedes – you’re missing the operative word here – your man wants to GIVE you a car.

To some men, flowers would be a gift – he can afford a car, so a car it is. Not only does he want to give you a car, he wants to make you SAFE. And a car serves THAT too – a great gift all around. If you refuse him, you are rejecting him. Let him use his money to give to you. You are putting up a wall around yourself and making it difficult to receive from him.

I know taking this brings up all kinds of things in you. That’s the point. Refusing anything is refusing everything….You will never be like those other women – but you are going way to the other extreme here. This will open up your relationship even more. I think this would be great on the blog – but I’ll leave that to you…Love, Rori

And here’s Mercedes reply:

Yes, I do see it as weakness (and weakness scares me) but…I also see it as…hmmm…this is hard to explain.

Do men keep track of “points” the way we women do? What I mean is this. A man gives a rose = 1 point. A man gives a dozen roses = 1 point. A man says/does something romantic (no money involved) = 1 point. A man says/does something mean or disrespectful…well… = minus 10 points (at least 10…cuz we can bring this up over and over and over again and we can certainly stress about it for months or even years).

So…does it work that way with a man? A woman is strong on the outside = 1 point. A woman is sexy (in his eyes…I’m not talking about what we look like…more like how we relate to him in a sexy way…) = 1 point. A woman makes him laugh = 1 point. A woman makes life fun for him = 1 point. A woman is independent and stands up for herself = 1 point. A woman can’t take care of herself without him = minus 10 points.

Will this come up again? When things get rough for us (and life does tend to hand even the strongest couples some tough times…) will he, during a stressful time think “she can’t even take care of herself. If it weren’t for me, she’d be walking to work”?

I want to be able to receive, I really do. My problem is…how do I trust that this is just a gift. Just a gift…not more, not less…1 point…not something I will always have to know I couldn’t do for myself and needed him to do for me. I mean…if it weren’t for him or if he wasn’t offering to buy the car, I’d figure something out. I always do. I do not believe that I would sit in my house crying because I don’t have a car and can’t get to work. I’d do something…anything…and I’d be okay. He’s just making it easier than me having to figure something out. He’s figured it out already. I want to be okay with that.

I know I need him Rori…I need his love, I need his affection, I need his smile, I need his laughter, I need his friendship. I would fall apart if I lost him…he means the world to me and is SO good to me. But…now…I need his money?? He’s had a lot of women in his life who needed (or at least wanted/asked for/used him for) his money. We’ve been together for 4 years…I’ve never been that woman…

It’s hard. Maybe I will put this on the blog…I’m sure everyone has thoughts and ideas but most importantly, I’d want to know if there was someone out there who related to how I’m feeling. Because, to be honest with you, I’m terrified. I have all the confidence in the world almost all of the time. Now, I’m about as insecure as a woman can get and I’m afraid this will cause a huge rift for us. And no matter how irrational that fear sounds, it’s tearing me apart right now…
Much Love, Mercedes”

And here’s me again:

Idon’t know your man, but if he’s the generous sort, he doesn’t do “points” – it’s all “gut” for a man. After 4 years – if things are that good with him, there would be absolutely no “trade” going on here. A gift is a gift. If you’re not sure, ask him – is this a gift? And the terror of shifting the dynamic of the relationship is huge.

Why on earth would he NOT want to take care of you – when you’ve demonstrated so thoroughly that you don’t NEED taking care of? If you were to marry him (pre-nup of course) – he’d WANT to give you stuff because you’re his WOMAN. Your independence comes from inside you. It doesn’t preclude accepting gifts.

I don’t know what it will do down the line – but it all hinges on your ability to be a goddess and receive with appreciation and love for yourself and him.

(Oh…..and don’t you DARE give him money for the car. You are not seeing this as it’s offered – a gift. You’re seeing it as proof of some kind of weakness in you. You are confusing receiving with weakness. This is exactly like Bella in Twilight. Exactly.)

Love, Rori

There’s more – but I really wanted to bring this up, and thank you so much, Mercedes, for allowing me to jump off of this.

Gifts are hard.  Receiving is hard.  It’s the legacy left over from the time when women were thought of as worthless, and we’re still struggling with, as Marianne Williamson said it,  “A Woman’s Worth” in general, and our estimation of our own, individual worth in particular.

No matter how “evolved” or goddess-like we get – there’s a part of us in the “collective unconscious” that will always feel worthless.  And there’s a BIG part of us, bred into our society, that believes that with every gift comes a price.  That with every good thing comes a bad.  That everything is bartered for, traded for, bought and sold. Basically, that there is no such thing as “no strings attached.”

And for sure – somewhere in each of us we believe there is no such thing as no strings attached” for US.  Let’s start the revolution and embrace this old and collective belief and start melting it down.  Little by little.  One car by one car.

Have fun, Mercedes – you are amazing, and deserve everything you want and desire – no strings attached.

More Love, Rori