Have The Relationship You Want

Here’s my answer to a lovely comment by Terrance (there’s a whole series of his comments, so find them all…) about his relationship with a woman he dates — who he spends more time with than any other woman, and who he hopes will “develop” to her “full potential” and be a fantastic partner for him.

Okay - I watch enough “Bachelor” and “Bachelorettes” to see how this works (Yeah, we’re supposed to laugh at that, but…we really can see it.)

This season I saw Reid and Kiptyn take it all the way to the end with rings, etc…but when I saw the footage of Jill and Ed in bed together just nuzzling - I almost felt I had to look away, it was so personal and private.

Don’t know if anything will last, or if anything is real, but I saw men mull it over, and I saw a man fall in love.  Even if it’s all make-believe and fabricated and acting - it was obvious, clear, unvarnished, you could feel it.

I saw men talk about love, and I felt a man FEEL it.

The first “Bachelorette’s” Ryan was like that with Trista.  My husband is like that with me.  You, Terrance, may be like that at some moment with your “right woman.”

And you may not.

You may be a man who needs to “consider” other things on your way to Forever After.

Sometimes, a man will serve himself best if he marries a woman without that “feeling,” and after “considering.”

Same for a woman.   Marrying a man after “consideration” instead of from that “all-enveloping love” that does exist, but doesn’t necessarily have to exist in order to actually HAVE the blissful love and relationship and intimacy you want - the whole lifelong shebang.

Sometimes, a more comprehensive, intelligent, well-considered thing takes over when a man usually has the WRONG impulses and he figures that out - when every woman he FEELS that way about (just like us) is the total “Miss Wrong.”

He will, when he’s ready in his life to marry, marry a woman who may not elicit the gut level, primal, capital letters love he remembers as a young man and still dreams about, but who elicits the compelling urge to combine forces with her on all levels.

If a wise man makes this choice, rather than to cater to his subconscious trauma responses and compensations and the attractions he was born into…he will make a “good match” with a woman who makes him feel GREAT.

I think, Terrance, this is what you’re thinking about doing, here.  Thinking about taking this well-considered route instead of blindly following the FEELING. And I want to say BRAVO to you…and…something tells me there’s a time for “well-considered” and a time for “gut” - and that you’re in your “gut” time, and that you’ll know the woman when you FEEL it.

So… if you are a woman and dating Terrance, and he’s still dating other women but spending most of his time with you…and YOU are truly Circular Dating and not getting all hung up on Terrance and trying to hide it…this is a good deal for you as long as you aren’t hung up.

AND - for a woman with a guy as cool as Terrance, with the feelings we women generally have if we’ve been with a man awhile…it’s pretty much not all that possible to be “not hung up.”  Polyamory is a dream for most of us.  A titillating dream sometimes, a nightmare most.

You are doing the right thing, Terrance, for now, and sooner or later, you will have to make a choice, or you’ll feel like you’re leading her on. You’ll have to weigh your options and make a choice to commit to her and keep her or let her go — and — I think it will become very clear to you what to do.

I have a dear friend, a relationship expert himself, who found himself in the situation of not knowing which dream to fulfill — his dream of lifelong love with a woman who was mature, sexy, beautiful, self-actualized, lovely and adored him and made him happy, or his dream of his mythical ideal woman, which gave him nothing but sorrow.  He chose love and happiness, and is a blissful and brilliant husband now.

He knew, deep in his soul, that his mythical ideal dream of a woman came from a place inside himself that was not really himself. That she came from a place created by twisted forces working on him and through him from birth, and that he COULD remake those impulses by following his happiness and contentment and attraction rather than following what automatically and instantly appeared that was “old.”  Instead of following the “poster” that had been on his wall forever, he took a new picture and pasted it over the old.

You, Terrance, may have a mythical ideal dream girl, but I somehow don’t think so.  I think you’re going to be overcome, instead, by a FEELING, and that feeling will lead you in a GOOD way — where you don’t have to “consider” so hard.  I think you may be one of the lucky ones.  To want what is also good for you.

Now, for us women, the same exact thing is true.  We are attracted of our own free will, and we are attracted by dark forces inside us.  If we have a history of being led by dark forces to misery in love, then we have to change course and start “considering” our other options.  We have to switch from automatically being drawn to a man who feels chemically “right” to us,  to considering our feelings for OUR SELF when we’re with a man.

We are not always drawn to a good match for ourselves.  Often, and more and more often these days, with disconnected, abusive, cold childhoods everywhere, we are automatically drawn to more disconnection, abuse and coldness.

To find the warmth, love and joy that belongs in your life, you may have to follow a different path than the one you feel drawn to.

Terrance is figuring that out right now.

If you are the girl in this scenario…look back and see where all the paths you’ve been most drawn to have led you, and “consider” the other paths open to you.

Instead of being “drawn” to a man…allow yourself to be drawn to the image and experience of feeling joy in the presence of a man.  Allow a man to be your environment instead of your center.  Allow a man to be so drawn to you that you can look at your experience of him without fear of losing him.

If you are the girl in Terrance’s scenario, and you cannot Circular Date because you are too drawn to Terrance — that’s the time to walk away.

If you are the girl in Terrance’s scenario, and you CAN Circular Date because you’re more interested in your own life than in the “draw” you feel to Terrance — then he’s a good experience and experiment for you, and you can BOTH “consider” what you want and weigh it against what you are automatically drawn to.

If a man doesn’t know he wants you within 3-4 months, chances are he never will.  That simply eliminates him by virtue of how that makes you feel…which is likely not good.

And if a man is hanging in there, hoping you will turn into the woman he wants…I know what a “draw” that can be.  It’s the draw of the dark forces inside you that are telling you you are “not enough.”  And, in my experience, it’s hard to know if - with that man you will never feel “enough.”

For the woman who is married to my friend, it’s too soon to tell.  It’s too soon to tell if his dark forces will push the marriage out of shape, or if they will fade forever in the sea of bliss that the marriage creates and grows daily, moment by moment.

It’s much easier to be loved by a man who wants you in his whole body, gut and mind and heart, than a man who wants you through “consideration.”

And that’s what Circular Dating can help you discover.  Where a man is coming from. How “into” you he is. If he’s got a nice blend of gut and consideration going on for you.  Whether he’s fighting his dark forces, or being led by them.

Yes, you can push love and a man away.  Yes, you can short-circuit the connection by staying forever in your brain instead of your heart.  Yes, you can damage a relationship beyond repair with jealousy and obsession and making him your center instead of yourself.

But - ask yourself this — why did this particular man show up?  What is the “draw” here for me AND for him?

If I am pushing love away, so is he.  He’s drawn to me BECAUSE I’m pushing love away and making it easy for him to be without intimacy, too.

So — you see — it works both ways.  Seeing potential in someone is a trick.  It means you see yourself as one step ahead.  It’s just another way to avoid love.

One of my favorite films of all times is Minnie & Moskowitz, by John Cassevetes, with Gena Rowlands and Seymour Cassell, and I saw it again with my acting class last night.

Two people totally wrong for each other, totally unsuited.  Except that he is unwaveringly and steadfastly in love, and is there at the moment when she gives up trying to hold herself together and falls apart right in front of him and his instinct to take care of her takes over them both.

The ending is happy.  The ending says that intimacy is where it’s at, no matter what you THINK you’re drawn to, and that all it takes is one person being drawn enough to the other to allow the intimacy to happen.

So, Terrance, let us know how it goes…and if you’re the girl in this scenario…step away.  Please.  Get some air.  Get some other men.  Start “considering” your options.  You don’t have to give him up — but you have to “give up” on him and start building up you.

Love, Rori

Hi, I thought I’d open up a new Category so that we could all share “speeches” you may have used that worked well, or that you’d like to try, or that you need help thinking up.

Just post them here, and we’ll all tweak and experiment. It would help tremendously if you let us know the situation, perhaps the way you’ve already tried to communicate, and how you’d like to “speak your truth” now.

Oh…and if I’d like to use any of your brilliant speeches in my eletters or to jump off of in a blog post or in a program, let me know if you’d like me to credit you by name, or make one up for you…

If you’re not sure what a “speech” is - it’s a Feeling Message that expresses something you want to communicate…like my “No boyfriend” speech:

“I’m not looking for a boyfriend, I’m looking to be married, and so it feels so much better to keep my options open and not be exclusive with anyone until there’s that commitment.  I feel so good with you, and I don’t want to put pressure on our relationship…”

(And variations on that…)

I really look forward to what you come up with…

Love, Rori