Have The Relationship You Want

Here’s my answer to a lovely comment by Terrance (there’s a whole series of his comments, so find them all…) about his relationship with a woman he dates — who he spends more time with than any other woman, and who he hopes will “develop” to her “full potential” and be a fantastic partner for him.

Okay – I watch enough “Bachelor” and “Bachelorettes” to see how this works (Yeah, we’re supposed to laugh at that, but…we really can see it.)

This season I saw Reid and Kiptyn take it all the way to the end with rings, etc…but when I saw the footage of Jill and Ed in bed together just nuzzling – I almost felt I had to look away, it was so personal and private.

Don’t know if anything will last, or if anything is real, but I saw men mull it over, and I saw a man fall in love.  Even if it’s all make-believe and fabricated and acting – it was obvious, clear, unvarnished, you could feel it.

I saw men talk about love, and I felt a man FEEL it.

The first “Bachelorette’s” Ryan was like that with Trista.  My husband is like that with me.  You, Terrance, may be like that at some moment with your “right woman.”

And you may not.

You may be a man who needs to “consider” other things on your way to Forever After.

Sometimes, a man will serve himself best if he marries a woman without that “feeling,” and after “considering.”

Same for a woman.   Marrying a man after “consideration” instead of from that “all-enveloping love” that does exist, but doesn’t necessarily have to exist in order to actually HAVE the blissful love and relationship and intimacy you want – the whole lifelong shebang.

Sometimes, a more comprehensive, intelligent, well-considered thing takes over when a man usually has the WRONG impulses and he figures that out – when every woman he FEELS that way about (just like us) is the total “Miss Wrong.”

He will, when he’s ready in his life to marry, marry a woman who may not elicit the gut level, primal, capital letters love he remembers as a young man and still dreams about, but who elicits the compelling urge to combine forces with her on all levels.

If a wise man makes this choice, rather than to cater to his subconscious trauma responses and compensations and the attractions he was born into…he will make a “good match” with a woman who makes him feel GREAT.

I think, Terrance, this is what you’re thinking about doing, here.  Thinking about taking this well-considered route instead of blindly following the FEELING. And I want to say BRAVO to you…and…something tells me there’s a time for “well-considered” and a time for “gut” – and that you’re in your “gut” time, and that you’ll know the woman when you FEEL it.

So… if you are a woman and dating Terrance, and he’s still dating other women but spending most of his time with you…and YOU are truly Circular Dating and not getting all hung up on Terrance and trying to hide it…this is a good deal for you as long as you aren’t hung up.

AND – for a woman with a guy as cool as Terrance, with the feelings we women generally have if we’ve been with a man awhile…it’s pretty much not all that possible to be “not hung up.”  Polyamory is a dream for most of us.  A titillating dream sometimes, a nightmare most.

You are doing the right thing, Terrance, for now, and sooner or later, you will have to make a choice, or you’ll feel like you’re leading her on. You’ll have to weigh your options and make a choice to commit to her and keep her or let her go — and — I think it will become very clear to you what to do.

I have a dear friend, a relationship expert himself, who found himself in the situation of not knowing which dream to fulfill — his dream of lifelong love with a woman who was mature, sexy, beautiful, self-actualized, lovely and adored him and made him happy, or his dream of his mythical ideal woman, which gave him nothing but sorrow.  He chose love and happiness, and is a blissful and brilliant husband now.

He knew, deep in his soul, that his mythical ideal dream of a woman came from a place inside himself that was not really himself. That she came from a place created by twisted forces working on him and through him from birth, and that he COULD remake those impulses by following his happiness and contentment and attraction rather than following what automatically and instantly appeared that was “old.”  Instead of following the “poster” that had been on his wall forever, he took a new picture and pasted it over the old.

You, Terrance, may have a mythical ideal dream girl, but I somehow don’t think so.  I think you’re going to be overcome, instead, by a FEELING, and that feeling will lead you in a GOOD way — where you don’t have to “consider” so hard.  I think you may be one of the lucky ones.  To want what is also good for you.

Now, for us women, the same exact thing is true.  We are attracted of our own free will, and we are attracted by dark forces inside us.  If we have a history of being led by dark forces to misery in love, then we have to change course and start “considering” our other options.  We have to switch from automatically being drawn to a man who feels chemically “right” to us,  to considering our feelings for OUR SELF when we’re with a man.

We are not always drawn to a good match for ourselves.  Often, and more and more often these days, with disconnected, abusive, cold childhoods everywhere, we are automatically drawn to more disconnection, abuse and coldness.

To find the warmth, love and joy that belongs in your life, you may have to follow a different path than the one you feel drawn to.

Terrance is figuring that out right now.

If you are the girl in this scenario…look back and see where all the paths you’ve been most drawn to have led you, and “consider” the other paths open to you.

Instead of being “drawn” to a man…allow yourself to be drawn to the image and experience of feeling joy in the presence of a man.  Allow a man to be your environment instead of your center.  Allow a man to be so drawn to you that you can look at your experience of him without fear of losing him.

If you are the girl in Terrance’s scenario, and you cannot Circular Date because you are too drawn to Terrance — that’s the time to walk away.

If you are the girl in Terrance’s scenario, and you CAN Circular Date because you’re more interested in your own life than in the “draw” you feel to Terrance — then he’s a good experience and experiment for you, and you can BOTH “consider” what you want and weigh it against what you are automatically drawn to.

If a man doesn’t know he wants you within 3-4 months, chances are he never will.  That simply eliminates him by virtue of how that makes you feel…which is likely not good.

And if a man is hanging in there, hoping you will turn into the woman he wants…I know what a “draw” that can be.  It’s the draw of the dark forces inside you that are telling you you are “not enough.”  And, in my experience, it’s hard to know if – with that man you will never feel “enough.”

For the woman who is married to my friend, it’s too soon to tell.  It’s too soon to tell if his dark forces will push the marriage out of shape, or if they will fade forever in the sea of bliss that the marriage creates and grows daily, moment by moment.

It’s much easier to be loved by a man who wants you in his whole body, gut and mind and heart, than a man who wants you through “consideration.”

And that’s what Circular Dating can help you discover.  Where a man is coming from. How “into” you he is. If he’s got a nice blend of gut and consideration going on for you.  Whether he’s fighting his dark forces, or being led by them.

Yes, you can push love and a man away.  Yes, you can short-circuit the connection by staying forever in your brain instead of your heart.  Yes, you can damage a relationship beyond repair with jealousy and obsession and making him your center instead of yourself.

But – ask yourself this — why did this particular man show up?  What is the “draw” here for me AND for him?

If I am pushing love away, so is he.  He’s drawn to me BECAUSE I’m pushing love away and making it easy for him to be without intimacy, too.

So — you see — it works both ways.  Seeing potential in someone is a trick.  It means you see yourself as one step ahead.  It’s just another way to avoid love.

One of my favorite films of all times is Minnie & Moskowitz, by John Cassevetes, with Gena Rowlands and Seymour Cassell, and I saw it again with my acting class last night.

Two people totally wrong for each other, totally unsuited.  Except that he is unwaveringly and steadfastly in love, and is there at the moment when she gives up trying to hold herself together and falls apart right in front of him and his instinct to take care of her takes over them both.

The ending is happy.  The ending says that intimacy is where it’s at, no matter what you THINK you’re drawn to, and that all it takes is one person being drawn enough to the other to allow the intimacy to happen.

So, Terrance, let us know how it goes…and if you’re the girl in this scenario…step away.  Please.  Get some air.  Get some other men.  Start “considering” your options.  You don’t have to give him up — but you have to “give up” on him and start building up you.

Love, Rori

Hi, I thought I’d open up a new Category so that we could all share “speeches” you may have used that worked well, or that you’d like to try, or that you need help thinking up.

Just post them here, and we’ll all tweak and experiment. It would help tremendously if you let us know the situation, perhaps the way you’ve already tried to communicate, and how you’d like to “speak your truth” now.

Oh…and if I’d like to use any of your brilliant speeches in my eletters or to jump off of in a blog post or in a program, let me know if you’d like me to credit you by name, or make one up for you…

If you’re not sure what a “speech” is – it’s a Feeling Message that expresses something you want to communicate…like my “No boyfriend” speech:

“I’m not looking for a boyfriend, I’m looking to be married, and so it feels so much better to keep my options open and not be exclusive with anyone until there’s that commitment.  I feel so good with you, and I don’t want to put pressure on our relationship…”

(And variations on that…)

I really look forward to what you come up with…

Love, Rori

Here’s the guest post I promised you from one of the men on this blog, Terrence Thames. I asked him to talk about ways to “approach” a shy man without “Leaning Forward” or feeling bad because you’re investing in him so quickly.  He writes:

This should be interesting since I am usually coaching guys on how to approach women since women tend to not physically walk up to a man. I have never done it from the other way around. So I will start by referring to how guys approach and then relate it to how maybe we can minimize the leaning forward from women.

When guys approach, typically they incur the majority of the risk of rejection from the interaction. They have to put themselves out there. However, in my opinion, I believe that women approach WAY more than men do already. Probably at a 90/10 split. They just do it very subtlety. And they don’t do it by walking up.

My definition of an approach is a little different from most guys. Men just generally aren’t present enough to be aware of these approaches or maybe approach invitations. I feel that being shy is a function of something internally stopping them from being themselves. I feel this is a fear based action.

To me, this is evident from people, in general, being able to warm up out of their shyness and into their true selves. This seems to be a process of trusting that the environment that they are in or the people that are around provide a safe environment capable of holding their true selves without judgment.

I explain this so that maybe if women can understand the process of why this occurs we can come up with some ways to help to build that trust while putting in minimum investment and leaning forward. I don’t necessarily believe that this can be an investment free/leaning back void process because even positive body language and smiling requires some investment/energy as little as it is. So lets get into what women can do to approach while minimally investing. These are in order of least investment to most investment.

1. Positive body language- Obviously the most natural form of approaching and the least invested that you can get. This will be the core of this post. The most obvious form would be a smile and a long gaze (2-5 seconds). Any less than that would not be enough to let the typical guy know that it is ok to approach. I would look away first then LOOK BACK. Any time I see a woman look back at me after holding a gaze, I know, that I should approach, if I’m interested. I have trained myself that if a woman looks at me for 2 seconds, I ASSUME attraction is there and at least go meet the her. I am not shy though. As guys get more confident in approaching they won’t need the look back for them to approach. I believe that shy guys need this.

2. Wear something conversation worthy- If you want more guys in general to approach you (not just shy guys) then wear something that allows space for a man to comment or compliment you on it. Most shy guys are shy generally because they just don’t know what to say to women even if they do get the courage to approach. If they have something to say or talk about then the likely hood of him approaching is much higher. Synergistically this works well in compliment with body language and presence (displaying your femininity) to draw men into you.

3. Positioning- If you don’t want to walk up to him. Position yourself BY HIM. You are not actually approaching him but it will be easier for a shy guy to start a conversation if you are physically around him to begin with. You can experiment with combining using your body language (playing with hair, crossing legs towards him, exposing of the neck, etc..) and eye contact with being around him for a much more synergistic affect. A lot of times when I am out and I make eye contact with a woman in one area and I go about my business and then notice a few minutes later she is really close in my proximity or all of a sudden brushes up against me, I ASSUME attraction and approach, if I’m interested. This is amplified with positive body language.

4. Situational or Help approaching- This in my opinion seems to be the most invested you can become without feeling masculine. If you are asking about something that involves your surroundings or asking for help (don’t go overboard with this) ..then I have no reason to feel that you are over-invested. (I.e..”Do you have the time?” ). Again while doing this make sure your body language is open to them.

5. Just saying Hi- This is equal to #4 as the most invested you should have to go without questioning a shy guy’s presence or attractiveness to you. By this point you have done all you can do and it is up to him to sink or swim.

Shy guys are generally good guys that miss a lot of opportunities to meet women due to their lack of will/ability to approach women. I feel that women miss opportunities of meeting these good guys because they are more sensitive to rejection and it doesn’t feel natural for them to approach a guy. To me both lose here.

For some women this is a weed-out process for guys that are less aggressive/dominant in a social environment. I have heard this quite a bit on this blog. At the same time they worry if they are going to end up another notch on someones bedpost. I can respect this and personally I find it not all that attractive when a woman approaches me too aggressively.

I find that if a woman approaches me, depending on the approach, I think — “That’s kinda cute… she’s trying to be a guy right now.”  I don’t think it really affects my overall attractiveness towards her, but it definitely feels masculine.

The only way it doesn’t feel somewhat masculine is if they are asking for help. (I always take it — “They are asking me to lead them.”) Asking about something in the environment. There is something in me that craves being able to pick up on these subtle cues and going and getting what I want.  I think that because when I do get what I want it is much more satisfying that way.

All this being said, be cautious of these few things

1. This will not always work with getting shy guys to approach and engage you. The fear of approaching and being rejected can be crippling as a result they still will not invest in the interaction. This is out of your control and is NOT because of you as a woman. This is an internal problem that needs to be worked out with them.

2. They may NOT always be attracted to you- I mentioned a lot above about assumed attraction. It is just that..assumed. Its what I use to get over anxiety of possibly being rejected. The reality is that everybody gets rejected.

Even if body language seems inviting it may be a miss cue. I relate it to playing black jack. You can only play the odds and trust that you are making the right educated decision. I am not afraid to be wrong and that gives me confidence. The more out dependency you have the more this part will not affect you.

I hope it helps. Like I said this is the first post I have ever had geared towards women and not men. Any criticism is greatly appreciated.

From Rori:  I asked Terrance for more – around his “what to wear” suggestion – and he came up with this:

I left a few things out to invoke some questions but I have some ideas on what to wear. It really depends on the style of the woman and the type of guy she wants to attract. For instance one time I went to a hotel bar in Hollywood and I noticed out of all the women in there one that had these really tight snakeskin pants on that looked really attractive. I had something to talk about AND it compelled me to approach and get to know her. That’s kinda what I mean. Does that make sense?

Terrance

From Rori:  I love Terrance’s attitude and I think what he has to say is very helpful.  If you like his style, go visit  him at his new blog and let him know what you think…www.TerranceThames.blogspot.com

This month has been all about my body. It’s been rehab for my body, and all along I’ve been totally aware that it’s rehab for my mind, heart, spirit and soul, too.

Body wise, I may have looked strong, I may have acted strong, I may have been able to walk and stretch and dance, but actually I wasn’t strong at all. I was a house of cards waiting to be blown away.

It wasn’t that I wasn’t in shape, it’s that the shape I was in was all out of balance. So out of balance that it easily fell apart.

And because I love to follow the trail of things, the train of how things work together and fit together and affect one another and how they happen and in what order, I spent most of this month trying to understand how it all fell apart and in what order, and how to put it back together again in the correct order.

One person led me to another person (this is how I find the amazing interviewees for my monthly CD interview series and all the practitioners that I recommend to you).

And here’s what I found:

Some of my muscles got weak. The smaller muscles, the deeper ones that are meant for specialized jobs got sidelined (for lots of reasons). These smaller, specialized muscles are underneath the bigger muscles that we know about — the quads, the glutes, the abs.

But these smaller muscles are responsible for doing certain things, and if they get weak what happens is other muscles that are really not supposed to be doing that job takeover anyway. So of course you want to find out how those small muscles got weak — and it can mean many things. It can be stress and tension and illness and bruises and scrapes and sprains that happened long ago that caused certain areas of your body to stop functioning the way they’re supposed to. It can be what you eat. It can be the kind of repetitive actions you do all the time. For me, I’m sure it was a combination of all these things.

So, not only do the bigger muscle groups start to take over for the small muscle groups — one side of your body starts to take over for the other side.

So a week glut on my right side causes all muscles on that side of my body to change the way they operate and then the left side of my body takes up the slack and before you know it you’re twisted, you’re turned and you are torqued.

This is how “compensatory torque” works:

Compensatory is the part where one muscle group takes over for another. Torque is how when the wrong muscles take over for the right muscles you get all twisted.

So when you’re torqued, you have to start strengthening the weak muscles and really focus your attention on changing the patterns of your posture, the way you walk and stand, and the way you do things. It’s a super exercise in body awareness.

So how does this work for the soul? For your heart? For your mental state?

Imagine a tree is growing and its leafing and one side doesn’t get sun and some of it’s branches wither and get cut off, or the tree gets pruned on one side. What the life force of the tree wants is to keep growing — and so it grows the other side of the tree. And now you have a lopsided tree. Just like a tree, our bodies, our hearts, our minds want to be balanced.

We want to be full on all sides and feel symmetrical. But you’ve seen how most trees achieve this — with a lot of twisted branches. Every tree looks different — like a completely different sculpture.

Well, the same with us.

We are who and how we are largely because of how we have compensated. And how we have torqued.

And what we’re doing here with all my work is tracing back the train of how all this occurred and reworking it, re-strengthening the weak parts, re-straightening the torqued parts, through awareness and using my tools.

The one thing we are not doing and the one thing I am not doing with my body either is dwelling on searching for or trying to dig up the moments in my life that caused parts of me to stop functioning the way they should.

I’m not going to blame myself or anyone else for what I did and didn’t do – the situps, the stretches, the yoga classes I passed on. I’m not going to blame myself for doing situps when I should’ve been doing leg raises. Not going to blame myself for wearing those awful shoes or eating what I ate or anything else. I’m taking it from here. Starting from here.

The same with my insides. The same with your insides.

The same with your love life.

Start from where you are. Use my Tools like Riffing and Channelling to undo the torque and rewire the compensation.

I’m going to be using this metaphor of compensatory torque and rehab for a bunch of new tools around this.

For now let’s start with just a basic awareness — We are all torqued. We have all compensated. We all have weaknesses and strengths. Just like I’m learning to differentiate between the different muscles in my abs and the different muscles in my butt, and just how I’m trying to learn to walk without using my shoulders to hold me up, I want you to start noticing how you’re holding your self up.

But start with the body. Are you holding itself up with your shoulders? Are you holding yourself up without breathing? Are you pulling yourself along with the front of your body, with your quads or are you pushing yourself along with the back of your body and your glutes? Or have you found a nice swingy sort of balance?

Have you noticed how you get emotionally triggered in certain situations? Are you giving yourself a chance to experience that? And giving yourself a chance to love and embrace all of those triggered feelings? Because those triggered feelings are your emotional system letting you know where your emotional torque is.

Your strong reactions to things are letting you know how your body has handled pain.

How your mind and your heart and the cells of your body have handled pain.

We always torque away from pain.

So now is the time to get aware of the pain when it shows up in a strong triggered reaction. And now’s the time to not run away from it.

Don’t ask yourself where it came from, or what happened to you that got you triggered. Just notice the pain, the compensation, the tension and the torque, embrace it, feel thrilled that you have unearthed it, and use my Tools to work through it and come out the other side.

So if you haven’t already — go to the “Power and Self-Esteem” category here, start from the oldest post and learn how to do Riffing from the “Problem” all the way through to “Channeling.”

Let me know what you discovered about your compensatory torque — physical, mental, psychological, emotional, spiritual — and what happens as you work through it. Let me know how it feels as you uncover your compensation for your pain. Let me know how it all shows up for you. And we’ll take it from there.

Love, Rori