Have The Relationship You Want

This is a guest post by Justin  “Fernando” Carnahan …he posts on this blog as “Fernando” and you can find him on his own blog here (yes – the picture is him…)

http://blog.theessentialsofattraction.com

…I really like to highlight contributions here by men – so we can see 2 things:

1. Get a view from a man’s perspective, to help reinforce what we’re doing here…and
2. To see what a “good” man thinks like…

So – here’s Justin:

What does your best self look like? People take the phrase “be yourself” to mean “be the same person with all the bad habits” instead of “be your best self.” When we realize that holding back is counter productive, we are our best selves. Realize that people will love you for who you are, regardless of the pain of your past experiences. It’s then that you’ll start to find true happiness in your relationships, whether they be romantic, platonic, or familial.

*We’ve all been made fun of and hurt.* For example, I once had a relationship with an incredible woman. Due to circumstances beyond our control, it had to end. It hurt, because I had very long term intentions with her, and losing that relationship rocked me to my core. The fallout was painful, and for a long time I didn’t let anyone in.

I felt like I was too open with her, and that she used my openness to hurt me. For a long time I didn’t trust anyone, I kept my emotions closed off while I kept a smile on my face. After a long time of unsatisfying relationships, I realized that I had to change. I had to open back up if I was ever going to feel the happiness that came from having amazing relationships. The secret is learning to let go. Bad things happen to everyone, and you can not let the pain keep you from living and loving fully.

Anytime someone doesn’t like you, it’s because they don’t know or truly understand you. There’s never an exception. People will be magnetically drawn to you when you stop doing the little things that keep people away from you. If you’re afraid of getting hurt, you are more likely trying to do things because you think other people will be impressed by, instead of the things that emanate with “you-ness,” which is what people really want anyway.

There are two paths in life. One of these paths I call the gray path. This path involves loving half-heartedly, not opening up emotionally, and living in the past or future instead of the present moment. Truly caring about people and allowing yourself to feel everything is scary and hard. People that choose this path live in a haze of acquaintances instead of full presence, so they can avoid the ups and downs that relationships can bring.

The other path, which I call the bold path, is where the great lovers of the world are found. People on this path hold nothing back! They run full force into life, loving every second of it, always present to the moment, and giving life everything they have! They realize that this life is going to happen once, and while it will sometimes hurt, without the occasional pain, we can never find the ultimate pleasures that life has and wants to give!

Realize that if you’re consistently not satisfied with your life, you may be on the gray path. The truth is that everyone was meant to be on the bold path.

Go into your fears, your hurt, your pain. Feel it all, scream it out, do what you have to do to acknowledge it and feel it fully. Only when you learn to love not only your happy emotions, but also your “negative” emotions, can you feel fully into life. You’ll find it easier to let things go, and you can stop carrying the baggage of the past, so you can be here in the moment, present, loving fully, and amidst all the beauty of the world!

Justin

Thank you, Justin, and I’ve got him writing a new one about “How To Spot A Jerk” (especially if he’s hiding it really, really well…)

Let me know what topic you’d like me to ask men to answer…and I’ll have them custom-ordered for you!

Love, Rori

Hi – Nancy wrote a great comment laying out her situation with a man who’s been “not ready” for marriage for over a year — and I wanted to make sure you got my answer, so I’m going to reprint the whole question here and answer it…

“Hello Sirens,

Help me tweak my power speech! My guy of a year and 3 months is stuck and I’m miserable. We have a good love relationship going and he’s the most amazing boyfriend in every respect, except that I want a shared life with a husband and he’s not moving us towards marriage and it’s driving me out of my mind.

So, even though I adore my time with him and he calls me multiple times each day, is affectionate, funny, fun, sexy, supportive, thoughtful and wonderful, I can’t really enjoy my time with him because I’m constantly aware that we’re not in an ultimately comitted relationship and so not really together. We’re great together and it’s beyond a doubt the best relationship I’ve ever had. I’m longing for us to be married so we can live together and really let the relationship take off.

About a month after we met he casually mentioned that we could start discussing marriage after about a year. I never liked that and felt it was too long for me to wait emotionally and now at 1 year 3 months, I can feel that he isn’t even thinking about bringing it up with me. Every so often I explode out of the top of my head and put a ton of pressure on him, to which he never responds well, of course. I’ve realized that I explode because I’m not circular dating and he has all the power. So a few days ago I resolved to go back to the Turnaround and then let him know, in 2 months or so that he can’t expect to keep me all to himself (thank you Rori!) while he’s making up his mind/dealing with his issues.

When I made this plan, I had a ton of pressure built up inside and felt that I also just had to know that I’m not in a dead-end relationship. So that very night I tried to have the talk without having the talk and asked him point blank if he sees us as a couple in a “pre-marriage state” or something (should have written that power speech!) to that effect and he said yes, but that he never wants another divorce, so wants someone really, really compatible and is still assessing. He also said that he sees us as being in a good dating, getting to know each other, committed relationship. He also said I’m pressuring him immensely, that these conversations make him feel like the relationship is going backwards. What really alarmed me is that he cited 3 or 4 reasons why he’s not ready and they are the exact same reasons he gave me 9 months ago:

1. he had a traumatic divorce a year and 8 months ago (married 3 years and she cheated on him. he divorced her immediately and moved out and bought his own home. He has no relationship with her other than some loose ends that he tied up neatly during the first few months of our relationship)

2. he has a “crappy” job with night time hours and his ex cited that as a problem. I myself don’t find it to be a problem and have told him as much several times. It’s also not a crappy job. It’s an exciting job for him in many ways – driving limos full of exciting rock stars and other VIPs. The pay is not huge, but I’ll take an affectionate, fun and loving man without money over many men I’ve met with money anyday.

3. we can’t sell our houses now because the economy is so bad that we’d lose money.

Obviously, there has been NO movement on his part over this last year!

I understand that a man’s career is super important to him. I understand that he had a hurtful experience and has needed time. I broke up with him in January fearing I was a rebound. After a month he told me he loved me and missed me and that I was never a rebound and he stopped talking about his ex. But my gut tells me that these are mostly excuses he uses to keep me from storming the door. And I don’t WANT to be storming the door. I want HIM to take the lead, pick up the ball and walk me up that bridge. I’d be so EXCITED and HAPPY to marry him.

After this way too long and excruciating talk the other night, I fled to my laundry room, leand up against my stackable washer/dryer and buried my eyes in the crook of my arm. I didn’t want to look at the results of how much I pushed him. I felt SO AFRAID. My dogs came in to see how I was and I knelt down to hug them. He got up and walked through the house, looked down at me and said “I think I’ll just go home.” I just looked up at him and said “Okay.” I sat where I was until he was gone. I feel like he took the power in the relationship and walk out with it!

That was four days ago and this is the first time this has happened, so it’s scary. I am not going to call him. I’ve prepared my speech and would love some help tweaking it and some reassurance that this is the right time to use it, when he calls. In the meantime I’m dating myself (out to dinner alone and pretty comfortable! out to a movie tonight! I’m amazing!) and working on myself and regaining my power. I’m working on ‘flirting with the world’ and making myself beautiful.

Here’s my speech:

You know, I get that you need time and I really don’t want to pressure you. But, I don’t want to be one of those women who is waiting around for her man to make up his mind. I can’t stand the feeling that I may be in a dead end relationship. I’m not looking for a really long courtship. I’m looking for the real deal and am feeling ready. I’m in a relationship because I’m looking for a shared life, together.

And I don’t want to rush you. You are absolutely entitled to take as much time as you need. But I don’t want a dead end relationship and I don’t want to wait through a really long courtship. I love myself and I have to pay attention to my own feelings and needs. I don’t want to wait. However, of course you can have all the time you want and need to assess us, to develop your career, to heal from your ex, whatever you need. I don’t want to rush or pressure you. But, you can’t have me all to yourself while you’re taking your time and making up your mind.

I love what we have together and I don’t want to break up. I’ll remain sexually exclusive with you while you’re making up your mind, but that’s all.

Please tell me what you think and give me your feedback about whether this is the right time to use it.

Thanks! Nancy”

***Here’s my answer:

Nancy – brilliant comment – brilliant speech.  Here are instructions:

1. Make it very short, with the main pooints you have here, so you can say it simply and calmly, and then smile and DROP it…

2. This is YOUR statement – you’re not looking for “permission” – or even “discussion.”  Don’t even ask him what he “thinks” about this…just say it…It’s your Mission Statement for Nancy’s life…period – it is NOT ABOUT HIM!

This means you say it as “I feel…..I don’t want…what do you think…”  but the “what do you think” doesn’t have to be there….up to YOU and what feels most powerful…

3. How to deal with your emotions around all this:

>>You FEEL all kinds of things: WRITE THEM DOWN.  Examples: I feel angry, resentful, confused, weird, uncomfortable, stuck, trapped……

>>You DON’T WANT all kinds of things – Write Them Down, too…Examples:  I don’t want to put pressure on the relationship.  I don’t want to attack you…I don’t want to be angry (it doesn’t feel good to feel angry, and I don’t like feeling that way…)I don’t want to “talk” about this or “think” about it so much…I don’t want to try to convince you of anything, or rush you. I don’t want to chase you, or make you feel pushed or trapped.

>>You have ALL KINDS OF OPTIONS – Write them down.  Examples:  Circular Dating, Dating Yourself, taking classes, going to lectures, dressing differently, changing your hair, your colors, your makeup, whitening your teeth, taking a small trip out of town by yourself…

>>You want to work out all your feelings BEFOREHAND, so you can SPEAK them if the conversation gets longer than your one, simple statement

>>You want your PRIMARY emotion to be EXCITEMENT for your own life and your own dreams, and your own possibilities.

>>Workout your anger and write about it in words you can SPEAK, as much as you can beforehand, and then if it comes up, you can say,  “I’m feeling resentful and angry and I don’t like feeling that way, because I don’t want to pressure you.”

>>Whether you’re feeling emotional, or you’re feeling almost numb so you’re being “reasonable” – say ONE SENTENCE AT A TIME.

4. Keep everything as short as possible, so you can track your emotions from moment to moment — and be prepared to speak your feelings as they come up, in words you’ve already written down for yourself.  This helps TREMENDOUSLY.

5. Make sure you’ve planned something fun to do that you can turn and go do whenever you feel the urge to keep talking.

Okay – These are INSTRUCTIONS for speechmaking at this critical place of a stuck relationship.

I absolutely love Nancy’s statement of  “I’ll remain sexually exclusive with you while you’re making up your mind, but that’s all…”

To just briefly touch on all his “excuses” – it doesn’t MATTER whether they are “valid” excuses or just excuses…there’s absolutely NO POINT in analyzing and judging his “whys.”

The ONLY important thing is what YOU want — and what you’re willing to negotiate for, what you’re willing to settle for, what you’re willing to tolerate…and what you’re willing to DO for yourself to GET what you want.

This thing about him being afraid because he’s been “cheated” on is a BIG thing men say and rely on. In other words — he’s THREATENING you, very subconsciously.

When a man has this in his past and tells you about it — he’s telling you that he expects you to be TRUE and LOYAL, and that if you veer from it — by having lunch with another man, he would cross you off his list. That you’d “violate” his needs.

And this is just, excuse me…okay, I’ll be less colorful here – horsecrap.

The TRUTH is – EVERY man knows that if he isn’t marrying you, he has NO VALID claim on you. He KNOWS he can’t expect LOYALTY (as in “exclusivity”) if he hasn’t committed to you. It’s plain, basic “man-speak” — whether he owns up to it or not.

And the more we buy into this, the less respect, on a deep, subconscious level, he has for you. I would be willing to guess that he didn’t divorce his ex just because she cheated on him. There was more and uglier stuff he can’t even get to inside his brain and heart. If someone cheats on us — every single one of us blames ourselves for it. We’re enraged at them, but we think it’s because we weren’t “enough” (plenty around this for another discussion).

NOW – and this is IMPORTANT — along with this speech and your Boundaries – you’re going to have to work extra hard with the Siren Tools of opening up your heart and being an INVITATION for him. the deeper you can go emotionally, the more you can welcome him into your heart when he shows up in a good way…the bigger your impact. (Again – for more another discussion around Modern Siren.)

So — stick to your plan, your instructions, and stick to YOURSELF. We’re all behind you.

Let us know how it goes for you, Nancy, and let me know how it works for all of you..Love, Rori

This fabulous article is really getting around…by Laura A. Munson,  a woman who prevented a threatened divorce that seemed to come out of nowhere…if you haven’t read it yet…read it now and we’ll talk about it:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html

What this woman did worked.  Here are some thoughts on why it worked:

1.  It’s much easier to repair damage while he’s still in the house.  Once he moves out…it’s much harder.  Living separately becomes “the norm” – even if he doesn’t like it at first, he’ll get used to it.

2.  She had so much confidence that it carried him through his own lack of confidence…

3.  She created and allowed so much distance, space, “room” for him to do “whatever” — that he no longer had to create distance himself…

3.  In the end, he wanted to come back more than he wanted to leave…

What this brave, amazing woman did was stick to what she wanted and stick to her plan.

Now — here are some of the questions I would love to ask her:

>>I’d love to ask about the “hard conversations” they had after he came back fully into the life of the family.

>>I’d like to ask — was this absolutely all about “him” — or was it about her, too?

>>I’d ask: How is it possible to be married so long and not know your husband is unhappy?  I’d ask: What did she discover, in talking later, that led to the emotional separation and his seemingly out-of-the-blue anger and immaturity?

And then, what I’d like to talk about with you is — what, if anything, could she have done or not done that would have saved her 6 months of horror and pain, and got him back into “conversation” sooner, so that if you find yourself in anything like this situation, you can fix it faster?

Let’s look at what she did:

1. She stepped back. She stopped doing anything that could push him further away. She stopped asking for things, she stopped trying to talk about the relationship, she stopped any kind of expectations so that she never was disappointed, and she completely avoided making him wrong for his behavior. She gave herself a time line to stick with her plan so it wasn’t just open-ended. She took control of HER side of the situation, without trying to take control of HIS side of the situation.

2. She invited him to join in the life of the family, without expectation, without agenda, without comment, without management and without complaint for his bad behavior. And she handled her own emotions, which kept her from making the situation worse.

These two steps could be translated simply to: Strong on the inside, Soft on the outside. This could be inner boundaries and outer openness.

So let’s just flesh this out:

1. Stepping back, leaning back, walking away from arguments, and keeping the distance rather than trying to step forward and fix the situation is ALWAYS the way to go when a man is behaving badly. When you want something that he isn’t giving. When he’s doing stuff you don’t want him to do, and when he’s not doing stuff you want him to do.

I have pretty much nothing to add here to what she did because she really executed this step totally brilliantly.

2. Being an invitation. There is no way to know here, because she doesn’t talk about it, but I wonder how emotionally open she was able to be with her husband when he was behaving so badly and she was feeling so many powerful, unpleasant feelings — anger, resentment, fear, grief… that she was not showing him. She doesn’t say how many feelings and exactly how she was handling her emotions. Was she stuffing everything down? Was she talking to a therapist? Was she talking to her friends? Or was she sharing bits and pieces of how she felt to her husband as they went along so that she could stay sane?

If she had USED her emotions to help the situation, what would that have looked like? If she had used Circular Dating, what would that have looked like?

I know that the article focuses on her man’s loss of “pride,” as the primary cause of that horrible moment when he wanted to walk away from everything.

But my question would be about what I think is the primary cause — and that’s anger. I’m certain that they talked over all of this later on, and, hopefully, got all the anger out into the air and cleared up and things shifted in the relationship. So…

What would’ve happened if, instead of just doing step one brilliantly, she had expanded on step two? What if she, herself, had become an invitation for the release, finally, of all the emotions that BOTH of them must have been stuffing down for a long time? Would that have facilitated a faster resolution?

Does a man going through his “Dark Night of the Soul” necessarily mean he needs to run away? Like a child’s running away to join the circus? Is this the only possible result of a man’s “mid-life crisis”?

Is our only option to give him and distance and room to work things out on his own?

If you are just beginning to date a man, and he starts going through something like this in his life, I would hope for you that you are Circular Dating up a storm and could simply let him do what he does — without investing any of yourself and him.

But if you’ve been married to man for a very long time, and you still have feelings for him, and you have a household you love and children you love together — you are invested. Can you do more here then Step One and the part of Step Two Laura tells us about where she invites him to participate in the life of the family in a “logistical” way?

What would have happened if she had said to him Wow I can feel how angry you are? What would have happened if she had said I’m feeling scared, actually terrified, bad because I had no idea you were so unhappy and I wonder how I could have missed that, and I wonder how angry you must be to want to just leave…?

There is no doubt that Laura is a Warrior. Strong as steel. And she’s also the woman this man really and truly wanted to be with forever. Despite his meltdown.

And I wonder — I would love to speak to her about this and open up the floor to you, too… how much more quickly he might have turned around if she had been willing to say: Well, perhaps some of this is about me. Perhaps there’s something I can do here.

Most of the comments I’ve read in forums that are not 100% “You go girl!” about this article focus on why she bothered to stick with a man who was behaving so badly.

I look at this in just the opposite way. To me, if you are that invested in a man, then there’s “stuff” going on in the relationship — and not just about “him” — that no one’s talking about. And the secret of getting reconnected to a man is all about unearthing that stuff that no one’s talking about — WITHOUT leaning forward, trying to get conversations started, and generally pushing him further away — but doing it in a “feminine,” feeling, open way that is an irresistible invitation.  Even to a man in a deep funk.

This is an art. This is the art we are all working on — the art of being strong on the inside and soft on the outside. About having boundaries on the inside and openness on the outside. This is the art of being able to step away from the man, and yet open your heart to the man. This is the art of being able to FACILITATE a healing.

To facilitate a healing, to re-create trust and openness, to make it okay to be exactly who you are in a relationship — even if you’re in the middle of a Dark Night of the Soul — that’s something WE can DO!

By learning to be exactly who we are on the deepest level, and to let that be seen no matter what the situation — without even needing to talk much about it — just letting it be there, we create an environment and an atmosphere where everybody can start to tell the truth.

I am so happy for Laura that she was able to reconnect her marriage and to open up the truth and heal her relationship.

And for you — If you are in anything like the situation,  I want that reconnection to happen as quickly as possible.

So.. use my Tools to drop deeper into who you are, to share the truth about who you are, and to facilitate your man having confidence in your ability to handle your OWN truth.  Whatever it is.

Use my Tools of “language” to help a relationship heal so that — should he decide to open up and let you know the truth about what’s going on with him he’ll KNOW that you will not judge him, you will not correct him, you will not make him wrong, you will simply allow the connection to happen.

Let me know how you feel about all this… Love, Rori

Have you ever stayed hooked on a man, afraid to do anything that would rock the boat, even though the relationship is totally stuck?

We all have.  And I don’t want you to do that anymore.

Here’s a letter from Jeanette to start the conversation:

“Dear Rori, I am in a long distance relationship and have been for 2 years. He says he is not ready to commit. I want that but he says it takes him a while. With his first 2 marriages, he said it took him 4 years each to make the decision. Well we are 55 and 57 years old. Come on!! I don’t think it should take this long…is he just stringing me along? Please help! Jeanette”

***Jeanette, here’s my short answer: Yes and No.

Yes, he’s stringing you along…and…

No, he’s not, because he doesn’t know he’s doing it. He thinks you’re OKAY with this. He thinks this is “dating.” He’s “expecting” to know what he wants to do about you…sometime.

In other words — it’s not his fault that you’re stuck like this — and so what we need to do is find your ANGER — and instead of turning it on HIM, use it to get you OUT of this stuck-in-the-mud situation and COMPEL him to step up and commit.

The problem here is in your interpretation of what he says and what’s going on.

What you need to do — right now — is

1. Circular Date. In fact…I would OFFICIALLY Circular Date by putting up an online profile, getting the word out to friends that you’re dating now, and going to events and classes that interest you so you can make new friends who will lead you to more men.

The exact how-tos of how to USE Circular Dating (even if you’re not technically “dating” right away) are in my Targeting Mr. Right program, and there are lots of free Tools around it on this blog…

The very fact that you would stay in a long-distance relationship this long with a man who has clearly told you he’s not ready to commit to you tells me that you’re terrified of real intimacy and a real relationship, so…

2. The work you need to do is to get yourself ready to get deeply involved with someone who doesn’t have such “issues.”

This would be my confidence-boosting Tools and Tools for getting strong on the outside and soft on the inside and becoming a MAGNET for men just because you’re so totally IN LOVE with YOURSELF — like in Modern Siren.

3. For now, just focus on my Tool of Feeling Messages – practice delivering them NON-STOP as a way to get more connected to your most important asset – your EMOTIONS, and learn how to express them in the most appealing and good-feeling way possible.

Most men are very lonely — especially at this age — and would LOVE to marry a woman who’s confident, financially stable and affectionate. Go find those men!

4. Get your focus OFF of this particular man. He may step up, he may not…either way — it’s YOU who must go forward.

And we’re all here to HELP you…

Love, Rori