Have The Relationship You Want

I mess-up all the time. Sometimes it’s just not leaving enough time to do something, or faulty prioritizing, or forgetting something at the market. Sometimes I actually hurt someone’s feelings. Sometimes I’m oblivious to what’s going on, and sometimes I just put my foot in it.

So what’s the message when my foot’s in my mouth?

I think everything that shows up in our lives is either a mirror or a message, and there’s always a lesson, and there’s always a take-away.

Most of the time these days, I’ve noticed the message coming in loud and clear: Pay attention! Be aware! Look around! Be here now!

Unfortunately, once my foot is in my mouth, or I’m sprawled on the pavement, or my husband is staring at me as though I’ve just committed murder, it’s a little late to process the message. A little late to undo the error. Oh, for do-overs.

So what, exactly, is a mistake, and what is a fair price to pay for making one?

I’ve come to think of a mistake as thinking a little bit too hard about me.

Sometimes what’s a mistake to one person is a boon to another, and some mistakes turn out to be lucky intuition, like the artist of any medium who forges a new road from his soul by mistakenly taking the wrong turn.

I can think of every man in my life until my lovely husband as a mistake. I can think of every man in my life as some kind of lesson. As a stepping-stone, a passage. Or I can see that every man in my life was exactly right for me at any given moment, and all I needed to do was see his message.

The message might have been Alright. Thank you for attending. Now you can move on. Or it might have been, I’m not supposed to go any further, please proceed without me. Or This is a very nice place to be, so sorry you’re not ready yet. I must have come across many men I couldn’t have, not because they wouldn’t want me, but because they knew I didn’t want me.

How to tell the difference between the mistake, the mirror and the message?

The mirror shows you where you are, the mistake shows you where you’ve been, and the message invites you to go where you want to be. I listen to them all, but I look for messages. Sometimes I can’t see them or hear them or feel them, because I’m too absorbed in the mirror, or too despondent over the mistake.

The thing about messages is, in order to see them, you have to be still.

In order to hear them, you have to be quiet.

And in order to feel them, you have to be in your body.

Mistakes are a loss of attention. They throw us off the gameboard into the sand trap. They’re us trying to take charge of the brave and thoughtful horse we’re riding, the horse who really knows the way, and steering him off course into the woods because we thought we saw a turn back there we missed.

The fastest way out of a mistake is to fight. Going dead inside and numb and depressed gets us deeper into the quagmire. Fighting is recovering our self- esteem by topping accusing ourselves – How could I have done that? or denying responsibility – It wasn’t my fault! or taking on responsibility that isn’t ours – It was all my fault…or lying to others - I didn’t do that! or lying to ourselves – I don’t care!

Fighting is saying Oh….. and then going down into that Soup of yuck and dread and pain and misery, and guilt, and everything we feel, until we touch love.

Touching love feels like oh, I did that, and I feel love for that person, that thing, or myself, and I feel sad for the pain I caused them, or me, and I’m still a good person, and I still absolutely, completely, deeply and profoundly love and accept myself. Touching love is all of a sudden stopping the resistance of that knot in your belly, and just feeling what you feel.

It’s stopping smiling, blaming, counting, imagining, justifying, excusing, making up stuff, wishing, hoping, and everything else and just feeling the weight of not feeling good. For maybe a good solid moment. And then, getting back on the horse, and riding it out of the sand and onto the road. The moment you turn to the horse and say, I’ve made a mistake and I can still ride like the wind, time starts again, the weather starts again, and the message signs all around start blinking.

A Message is another chance to pay attention. Another chance to dance with what shows up. Another chance to enjoy the moment. Another chance to catch another Message. And the message always is: There will always be mistakes, and mirrors and messages, because our lives are always moving, and we will never learn everything there is to learn.

Sometimes the Mistake IS the Message.

Love, Rori

Okay…just got this from a member of my Customer Service team, Jolene,  who helps us all by sorting through all my emails before forwarding them to me…and it was like getting hit with a light bulb…

“Rori, Have you ever posed a question to your bloggers about why they don’t do Circular Dating and continue to try to analyze and wait around for a man? It just seems to me that the letters we get (like the ones you addressed in recent eletters) are from women who still don’t get it. Or maybe they know, but they just don’t want to do it. Why don’t they want to do it? Jolene”

And here’s the thing:

When we’re “into” a man…it’s SO HARD to do anything that feels the slightest bit different. We think we’re being disloyal. We feel guilty.

Because we’re AFRAID!!

We’re truly terrified of rocking the boat.

We’re afraid of making him mad.

We’re afraid that if WE flirt with other men to keep ourselves strong and diva-like, HE’LL start flirting with other women just to keep EVEN with us!

AND…I HAVE heard of things like this happening…but NOT for the reason you think!

Are we so afraid of displeasing a man who has not committed to us that we FREEZE ourselves?

Are we so afraid of facing, head-on and truthfully, what IS ACTUALLY going on in a relationship that is making US unhappy – that we just tolerate “whatever”?

That we just…WAIT?

Now..how does THAT image feel?

The problem happens when we start Circular Dating to “get back” at a man. or to play “games,” or to “play hard to get.”

Anything you do on the outside that’s FAKE, that’s meant to cause some sort of reaction in a man is playing with fire, and is working AGAINST YOU.

What you want to do is BECOME “hard to get.” For REAL.

That means, you have options, and YOU are in a position to CHOOSE him or….NOT!!

In other words…where does a man “get off” sewing up your time, energy and love…without life-long commitment? I mean…”Really!”

Yes, Circular Dating might make your man ANGRY.

The thing is…so WHAT??!! So WHAT if he gets angry?

Those of us who’ve lived our lives trying to get what we want and need with sugar and honey, and working to win people over and be liked, and those of us who’ve been actually abused, and so tried to “get along” in order to simply SURVIVE…are afraid of doing ANYTHING that might anger someone else.

We are always in a position of “explaining” ourselves. We are always concerned about “hurting” him (actually we’re concerned with angering him”).

We always think it’s up to US to “make the peace.”

And Circular Dating is sort of radical. It’s subversive to all that. It’s putting your OPTIONS ahead of someone else’s feelings. It’s not trying to get what you want by giving someone else what he wants.

It’s simply being forthright, open, vulnerable, truthful, and pro-active about what YOU want, and allowing everyone (and believe me there are TONS of great men who are despairing of ever finding a woman who actually has HER OWN RUDDER and follows her OWN DREAM) to want to connect to YOU.

It is becoming the object of desire rather than remaining the “chaser” of desire.

It’s a completely different way to live your life, in which loyalty and fidelity and exclusivity are EARNED by a man, rather than somehow “expected.” It’s flying in the face of convention and convenience and what we all did in high school. It’s being willing to live without a “boyfriend” because what you want is a ‘husband” and “family.”

So…no WONDER you’re not Circular Dating? Well – I’m here (we’re ALL here, in this wonderful community) to CHANGE that convention. To CHANGE that “expectation.” To END the “rules” of the “game” as they stand now. And to actually END the GAME.

There IS no game. Not anymore. There’s only you, what you want and need and deserve, and the men who “get that” and want to be with you.

There is no more time, energy and love left for any man who does not want you.

The days of settling for less love are over.

The days of calling being loved by a good man “settling” just because he doesn’t fit your “mental picture” of what you want in a man…are OVER.

Circular Dating is not a game. It’s not a strategy. It’s a therapeutic, pro-active Tool to get your Masculine energy engaged in the SERVICE of your Feminine self. It’s a Tool to get you out in the world so you can PRACTICE the Inner work of the Siren you truly are.

I’m your head cheerleader…so let’s get on with this. Get your toes wet in the ideas of Circular Dating, learn how to do it for REAL. (Not how you imagine I mean you to do it, or how you guess or piece together how I mean for you to do it…there are very subtle and important things about doing this right that make all the difference in how your “vibe” will shift for the good of your life, and doing it half-way or with the wrong mind-set will just keep you where you are and allow you to say “it didn’t work”…when it DOES WORK!!!)

Let me know how my Targeting Mr. Right program helps you.  If you don’t have it yet, take a look at the letter I’ve written around it on my catalog page over on the “sidebar’ here – just that letter alone will help you understand how Circular Dating actually works.

Let me know how I can best help you to move from focusing on one man to Circular Dating…and to get what you want!

Love, Rori

Here’s a quick question-and-answer:

“Rori, I have read your “Have the Relationship You Want” book and it is ingrained in my thoughts when evaluating what to do to resolve issues with my relationship, however, I need help with this one…

I have a man who has some emotional issues that he’s told me and is having a tough time coping with all the stresses in his life at this time. I have leaned way back even withdrew for quite some time but it seems he is reaching out to me for some help emotionally and physically, we spoke about him moving in because he is going through some deep depression and despair. Some caused by me, some self induced through life situations.

Without going too much into detail, I believe I need to be a friend but not get too emotionally tied to into the result of me helping but I truly believe in this man and our relationship in the long term. I am not sure if leaning back and letting him step up is what will happen here since he has admittedly at a very weak time in his life and when I tried that he fell deeper into his own despair and seclusion.

I have faith in helping him and I will do it in a way that keeps my boundaries in place. Do I just stay back where there is little hope or do I help him but possibly overfunction. Thanks in advance, Shirley”

And here’s my answer:

Shirley –
Basically,  a man will never fall in love with a woman who “comes to his aid.”

A woman who “helps” is not seen as a romantic figure. He will stick with you until you see him through, and then dump you when he’s feeling better.

I’ve seen this over and over again.

You cannot be a man’s therapist – even if you’re married to him. He needs professional help, medication – Western or alternative, exercise – he has to help himself.

If all you want with him is friendship – I don’t think it’s a good use of your energy if what you’re looking for in life is a real partner…still – a friend is a witness. A person who doesn’t let another person go downhill by standing firm that they believe in the person sliding down. The person STILL has to do the work for him or herself.

It’s not possible to have any kind of “relationship” with a man in this situation. Please don’t try. Please Circular Date and fulfill your own life.

Okay, I know this sounds harsh.  And yet, this is what I’ve seen:

I’ve seen a “good woman” save her man. He was a Vietnam helicopter pilot veteran with serious emotional problems and drinking problems.  I knew him because I’d loved him before she met him…only I didn’t have the skills she had, and I didn’t love him as much as she did.

She didn’t save him by understanding and making excuses and letting him skate by on his charm and looks and sexiness and ignoring the rest — like all the other women before her, including me, had done.

She put her foot down!  She didn’t beg him or convince him or do those things that AA and Alanon KNOW don’t work with a person in trouble.  She just, when she realized how troubled he was…both loved him more than any woman ever had, respected him more than any woman had ever had, and had stronger boundaries than any other woman had ever had.

She cared more about him than he’d ever experienced – and yet she cared more about HERSELF than she did about him.

It was such a powerful combination, he cleaned up, got help and has been a stand-up, married man ever since.

The nightmares haven’t gone away…but his craziness and drinking have.  She still can’t follow him into his personal hell when it shows up for him, but she can be there when he’s ready to come out.  And.. she’s never just standing there waiting…he has to step out of his cave like any man and FIND her.

Even with this great story…this man, even with all his problems, was not in despair and depression and darkness most of the time.  He was highly functioning and happy much of the time.  He had ambitions and talent as an actor.  He never “crawled” to this great woman asking for help…he acted like a masculine-energy man who WANTED to be healthy, until she got close enough to see what was going on underneath the surface.

But Shirley’s man is not in that place.  He IS crawling toward her.  This is very, very different.  And yet, there’s always the possibility that he could finally get himself help and change his life, right in front of her eyes.

Only, like the “good” woman of my story…she has to love herself more than she loves him.  She has to RESPECT him enough to trust that he will get the help he needs.  she has to treat him the way she would any other man.

And Shirley, you have to SPEAK this to him.  You have to say…I care for you, I would love to be with you, and I’m not comfortable being your friend or helpmate.  I trust you and respect you to get the help you need, so that we can have a relationship that’s in a good place when you’re ready…”

Let me know if this helps you see men in a slightly different way.

Love, Rori

I’m not listening. I’m acting like I am, I’m standing here. But my daughter’s face may as well be on a movie screen. It flickers in front of me.

There’s food on the stove. There’s a half-written article on the computer. My vitamins are waving to me from the kitchen counter. I’m all over the place. Every place but here.

And she can tell. My daughter has a nose for who’s really there and who’s not. But she’s still talking, and so I think, between the scattered words and phrases “and then he …” that I actually hear, I’m listening, I’m listening, she believes I’m listening!

Then she stops, looks at me. I’ve been found out. She breathes. I breathe. She goes on. I have a second chance.

I know what to do. I unfold my arms from in front of my body. Start a Rori Raye Body Dialogue – but wait. This isn’t the time for a Body Dialogue. This isn’t about me. It’s about her. Her experience. Nothing to do with me.

The stove, the computer, the vitamins are all calling, and still the only thing to do is…listen.

I throw myself Over There, to where she is. I move myself away from myself, and focus on her nose, her eyes, her words. I don’t remember anything more except that she was smiling, and pretty thrilled and breathless about her dream, what with the chase, the rollercoaster and the mistaken identities, and that I wasn’t even there.

When there’s someone else talking, you can bypass your brain and get instantly present by going to Level 2 Listening. Here’s how it works:

Level 1 Listening is It’s all about me. Level 2 is It’s all about you. Listening at Level 3 is a bit esoteric – It’s all about everything. Listening to someone and then feeling heard by them is an unbelievable experience – and it’s very rare.

Most of us are at Level 1 all the time. Most of the time, we aren’t really listening, we’re thinking about ourselves – what we’re going to say next, what we think about the other person, that our pants are too tight, we have a pimple on our chin, anything but the person right in front of us.

When we’re in a conversation with someone, and we’re thinking about how what that person is saying relates to us, we’re at Level 1. I may be sitting or standing here talking with you, but actually I’m all in my own head about me. Oh, that happened to me too! Or I wonder if he likes my hair or I wonder if he’ll ask me out. There is nothing wrong with Level 1 Listening – in other words, being all about ourselves – except that it limits our ability to really relate to others.

Level 2 Listening is the complete reverse of Level 1. Imagine how, when you’re utterly in love with someone, all you can see is their face, all you can hear is their voice, all you can smell is their breath and cologne. Their words and the feelings they express are, in that moment, the most important things in the world to you. In fact, the only things in the world.

When you listen to a man, really Listen at Level 2, you will change the moment, the interaction, the entire relationship. And as a result, he will change – almost overnight.

A man you think you’re not attracted to might suddenly open up and become really attractive to you once you find out about him. To do this, just relax. Relax completely and be over there, with him. Let yourself go as though you no longer exist.

Your thoughts are just passing through – you’re over there. You don’t have to talk, or smile, or do anything.

Just listen.

Here’s how to practice Level 2 Listening right now. When I used to do Have the Relationship You Want workshops, we’d work in partners. One person talks about themselves – what’s on their mind, what they did today, anything. The other person listens at Level 2. The talking person’s only job is to focus on herself, and the listening person’s only job is to focus on the talking person.

I say, Listeners, all you have to do is listen. Get comfortable. It doesn’t matter if you’re leaning forward or leaning back. Look at your partner. Look at their face, their eyes. Try to stay focused on their words. Really give yourself over to them completely. You are at Level 2 Listening, which is all about them – it’s over there.

If you notice your mind wandering back to – “Oh, that happened to me too,” or “Yeah, I agree” – which is Level 1 – shift back to them. When you’re really at Level 2, you’ll be completely immersed over there. Okay – go.

If you have a friend to work with, practice on each other. If you are working alone, let’s do the exercise differently:

Put yourself in front of a mirror. Imagine that you, in the mirror, are going to hang on every word you, in front of the mirror, say. Your mirror image will follow wherever your thoughts go, giving you total attention. Go ahead and talk about your day. Tell your image everything that happened to you today – the emotion of it, the detail of it, what was important about it. Laugh, cry, say whatever comes to mind. Pay little or no attention to your mirror image.

Now, when you finish up, think about how it felt to completely unload your mind and heart while your mirror image did nothing but listen. She did not interject, offer advice, even go uh-huh. If you imagine that you in the mirror were listening intently and compassionately, you may feel as heard, as light and unburdened as you would practicing with a partner. Now, in order to reverse it, we’ll do without words altogether.

Look at yourself in the mirror, and become completely absorbed in your image’s eyes, hair, nose, mouth, smile – with this important agreement: You must pretend that this mirror image is someone else. In this way, you can look at the mirror image’s hair and notice that it has gray in it, or curl, or a highlight, without thinking about it. In other words, as soon as you say to yourself Oh, I have to color my roots, you’ve moved back to Level 1 Listening.

Your job is to observe with attention and compassion the qualities of the face in front of you, and to commune instinctively with the emotions conveyed by the face and the person in front of you. You are to forget that the image in the mirror is you.

Try this for a few minutes and see what it feels like. It may feel like a mental vacation. A moment to observe and feel without thinking. Without bringing your observations back to yourself.

Now take what you’ve experienced and practice it out in the world.

I encourage you to practice, practice, practice. Practice with the busboy, the clerk, your blind date, your boyfriend or your husband, your children, your friends, your relatives, your pet, the birds outside, and total strangers. Practice and notice when you go back to Level 1. The more you do it, the more natural it will become to listen at Level 2.

Once thing I do remember, and try not to forget, is my daughter stopping abruptly at the end of her dream-telling and hugging me before she danced off, back to her room, back to her computer, back to her books and her music, back to her life.

Let me know how Listening changes things for you, too.  Love, Rori