Have The Relationship You Want

When a man is continually, constantly, never-endingly disappointing you and hurting you and neglecting you and treating you badly…the answer is to ask yourself  “Why am I here?”

Terry is in this exact situation…

“Rori, Here’s my story: Had horrible marriage to porn-addicted jerk for 12 years (six kids). Got divorced. Had several “train-wreck” relationships with guys. The common element was that they felt free to hurt me, dump me, avoid me, play me, and lie to me. They would say they loved me but their actions would prove otherwise. A little over a year ago, I met “Steve” doing community theater.

We hit it off immediately.

His story: He got his first girlfriend pregnant and dropped out after one year of high school to support her (shotgun wedding at age 16). She has threatened suicide and infanticide after each of their two older children (17 and 13). She has been very emotionally and sometimes physically abusive to him. He has stayed “to protect the kids.” They had another baby a month ago.

He has a lot of feminine energy and I have a lot of masculine energy. He says he loves me but our relationship has deteriorated steadily since a big fight three weeks ago (my insecurity reared up), and he is giving very mixed signals and doing almost nothing in the relationship (not that he ever took initiative a lot, but now he won’t even sit in my car with me for 5 minutes). He works, goes to school online, and takes care of the baby all night too.

What do I do? Terry”

Here’s my big(and loud) answer:

Terry – You’re not going to like this…

WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!

You are becoming emotionally involved with a man who is still with his mentally unbalanced wife and just had a baby a month ago!!!

Does this sound like a smart move? We all here say NO!!

Drop this “friendship” completely. Right now. Stop.

What you need to work on is your “masculine energy.”

It’s great to be a boy when you’re making money and shepherding projects – completely a losing way to go in love.

If you want to stop the train-wreck – work on yourself with Circular Dating so you don’t get hung up on or involved in any deep way with ANY man – until you can see the difference in the quality of men that show up.

This is so horrible, Terry, I almost thought for a minute you’d made your story up, to challenge me.  (I contacted Terry personally, and she assured me the story is true…)

I want you to hear this tough, tough love that no one else has apparently ever cared enough about you to deliver. Hate me for this, that’s okay, but please hear me.

Love, Rori

(Oh – get Toxic Men if you can – it will turn you around quickly, and give you some power Tools to use to save yourself this minute.)

So…what more can we learn from this?

Okay, Terry’s situation is extreme.  Just reading her letter – we can’t imagine how she could think this was somehow “okay.”  That this man in this situation is somehow even remotely entitled to ANY of her energy at all – much less her love, devotion, attention and worry.

And Terry seems to be immune to seeing that she is humiliating herself.  (5 minutes in a car with a man is somehow acceptable enough to want to see him again?)

Let’s go back to basics.

There are basic requirements for even DATING a man.  He must be available.  He can’t be married (even if he’s separated, he has to be actually divorced).  He can’t be gay, unless either sex is something you never want to have, or you’re willing to have a “best-friends-and-have-sex-with-others” agreement.

He can’t be in jail, or be on trial for felony or something that could put him in jail.  He can’t be an alcoholic, or a drug addict, or a gambling addict, or a porn addict  (or any kind of addict). He can’t be a deadbeat dad or have no income, home, or means of support.  He can’t live off his ex-wife.

These things aren’t games, strategies, or “rules.” This is common sense.

So what happens to us women when we “fall in love”?  Do we lose our common sense?  Do we lose our perspective on reality?  Do we put the feelings we feel that we identify as “love” ahead of everything else and then pay the price later?

And the answer is…yes.  We do.

It might not be as extreme for us as for Terry – but most of us have humiliated ourselves and ignored reality almost as badly as Terry is.  I certainly have.  And I know that part of my wanting to yell at Terry “What are you doing?” is me yelling at myself for hitching myself to a man who never had an intention of loving me long ago.  Many men. 

What was I doing?

In fact – What is Jennifer Aniston doing?  What are half the people we know doing?

Does love make us crazy?

No. it’s not LOVE that makes us crazy – it’s whatever it is we feel inside ourselves that calls the impulse to throw ourselves under the bus for what we feel – “love.”

But it’s not love.

It’s not love for ourselves, because we would notice that we don’t feel good in this situation.  So it CAN’T be love for ourselves.

And it can’t be love for a man, either, because if you don’t love yourself, there’s no way you can love another person – you won’t know what love IS – and that’s most of us at some time in our lives.

What is happening here that what we CALL love is a feeling we’ve felt before, in our families, in our world as children, that others called love.  It was a necessity.  As children, we had to love and believe we were loved – so whatever came at us – we called that love.  And now, when we feel that same thing coming at us – no matter how BAD it feels, we call that love. Even when the something coming at us is actually – nothing at all.

And before we can even recognize it and call it something…we feel triggered ourselves…and that feeling we feel we call love, because it’s the feeling we know that’s been labeled “love.”

The feeling that another woman might label “fear” – it might be the feeling that we label “love.”

The feeling that another woman might label “pain” – that might be the feeling that we label “love.”

It’s all so close there down in the Soup of our emotions.  We might feel “yearning” and, from our experience, call that “love.”

We might feel “passion,” and from our experience, or even the movies, we could call that “love.”

We know what it feels like to care for someone.  To worry about what happens to them and wish them well.  We recognize that as love when we feel it…but it somehow doesn’t translate into a romantic relationship.  Our care for another person somehow get’s all tangled up in our “need.”

Our past gets tangled up with our present, and we “mislabel” our feelings.

So – to make this simple – to cure this problem – all it takes is to rediscover your feelings.

When you feel fear, call it fear, and don’t let your fear of losing love get labeled as “love.”

When you feel anger, call it anger, and don’t let your anger at a man get labeled as “love” for him.

When you feel passion and sexual chemistry, call it passion and sex, and don’t let your passion get labeled as “love.”

Love is actually different for everyone.  We experience it differently, and we feel it differently.  And love going out of us to a man feels different than love coming into us from him.

And there’s the connection I want to make.  And the questions I’d love for you to weigh in on:

Can you LOVE a man who does not treat you with “care”?

Is love a feeling, or is it an “action” word? – is it enough to feel love, whatever that feels like to you…or do you have to DO something with that feeling in order for actually to BE love?

Can you love someone who doesn’t love you back?

Can you love someone in a different WAY than someone loves you…and still call that “love”?

Let me know what you feel about this…and share please your own stories, as I do, about how you’ve recovered from being a masculine-only one-way faucet of love going out to a man, and become a lovely feminine cup that receives and experiences love flowing from yourself, and love a man gives to you.

Love from me to you…Rori

I liked this article – my friend Matthew Walters (you’ll hear him on my February interview with his wife Orna) is a part of Downloads For Change – so I get their newsletters – and even though this is about our “brains” and very “mental” – I thought it gave a very good illustration of how we WORK mentally – so we can adjust some of this…I couldn’t figure out how to reprint the very famous, classic graphic, so I’m just going to give you the link here, and then talk a bit about it:

http://www.downloadsforchange.com/_blog/Hypnosis_mp3_Downloads_Change_Your_Life!/post/The_Gratitude_You_Forgot_to_Have/

Needs.  Getting our needs met.  This, to me, is what relationship is all about, what we yearn for, what we feel depressed about, what we feel hopeless about or exhilarated about.  Our needs are met.  Or they’re not.  And – looking at the chart – it’s not just ANY needs that we need to be met – it’s the ones that heighten our awareness and experience of everything else that’s good.  There’s just nothing like love, romance, affection, attention, sex…

It’s not good enough to have a roof over our head.  Oh…we’re grateful for it, we’re happy we’re not out in the cold – and, there are so many who are, and so many of us who’re AFRAID we MIGHT be out in the cold except for Grace – but it just doesn’t “float our boat” to be happy about having a roof over our head.

We take the “everyday” for granted when we’re missing the big ticket items like love, romance, affection, partnership.  And on a holiday where we’re supposed to be “thankful” – it’s really, really hard to be “thankful” when we feel like there’s a big hole (perhaps many big holes) in our lives.

So – what to do?

It’s really easy to focus on “gratitude.”  Easy in a good, fun, easy way – and too easy in the “it’s easy to SAY way.”

For me…I go about this a few different ways, and I try to go about it every day in some way.

1. “The Three Blessings” that my friend Ryan Eliason taught me.  Every night (or when I want to, or think of it…) I write down in a journal three things I’m grateful for – that I feel are blessings in my life.  Once I sit down to write these things…it’s sort of amazing how many things – sometimes really SMALL things – come up for me.  Try it.

2. Look in the mirror.  Who do you see?  You see the one person in this entire world you possess.  The one person in this entire world you can totally trust, totally count on to be on your side.  The one person you can put makeup on, dress up, order around, pet, moon over, sing to…a million little things…without checking with anyone else first.  You are your treasure.

There’s no real way to argue with this!  No matter how crappy things might be at this moment, or how you’re starting to feel like things might actually be changing for you for the better (they are, if you’re doing the Tools)…you still have YOU.

Go reach out your hand and pet your image in the mirror.

Now run your hand down your other arm – slowly and sweetly, and watch yourself in the mirror.  There’s no limit to how long and how lovingly you can do this…so you can never get bored or run out of parts of you to pet.

3. Say Thank You to the you in the mirror.  In fact – say “I love you.  Thank you.”  If you want to really try something, say “I love you.  I forgive you.  Thank you.”  If you want to try the whole thing…say “I love you.  I’m sorry.  I forgive you.  Thank you.”

That about covers any emotion you could be having – from beating yourself up over something, to getting all excited about yourself (good for you!!!)

Okay, yes, you can be thankful for the roof over your head, and that some of the needs on the Maslow scale are being met, and you can be thankful that you’re on track to get all the most fabulous of your needs met by the most fabulous man…but only if it feels good.  Only if it’s true.

If you’re actually angry as anything about something…go ahead and be thankful for that!  I mean – a good bit of fire in your belly, no matter where it came from or where it’s aimed is pretty grand, isn’t it?

If you’re actually feeling tearful and sorry for yourself – be thankful for that – because then you get to back and do numbers 1 through 3 here!

4. Imagine a fabulous man (and the only thing he has to have or do in order to be fabulous is to love YOU) – standing there around you – all the time – and HE’S saying Thank You.  To YOU.

I say Thank You to you.  You just are….so wonderful.  I’m so glad to have you in my life.

Love, Rori

I got this post in a newsletter from Dr. Margaret Paul – it’s about how we all Lean Forward by starting a conversation, or talking, or focusing on something we need to talk or think about, and just generally focusing on a man (Margaret uses the example of a man doing this – so imagine yourself in that situation) – in order to AVOID our own FEELINGS.

Here’s the Post:

Addictions can take many forms. One fairly common yet subtle form is to start a conversation to get your partner involved with you so that you don’t have to feel and take responsibility for your feelings.

We all have many addictive ways of avoiding feeling our painful feelings and taking responsibility for them. Some of the ways are obvious, such as using substances and processes. Some of the ways can be very subtle.

Leon often struggled with feeling empty inside. Inner emptiness is a symptom of a lack of love inside, and Leon frequently created this inner lack of love with his self-judgments and staying in his head – ignoring his feelings. Sometimes he would fill the emptiness with food, work or TV. But other times he would act out addictively by bringing up issues – generally the same issues over and over – with his wife Susan.

The major issue he focused on was how they spent money. He would start the conversation by stating, “We really need to talk about the money situation.” Susan would feel a knot in her stomach, knowing that Leon was aching for an endless discussion about money that would likely end in a fight and distance. She felt like she was in a no-win: if she talked about money, it would go on for hours and end in anger. If she didn’t, she would be accused of withdrawing and running away from problems. There seemed to be no good way out for Susan.

Eventually, Susan learned to trust her feelings and say to Leon, “I will be happy to talk with you about anything when you are open, but right now your energy feels closed. Let me know when you are feeling really great and then we can talk about it.” Not surprisingly, Leon never approaches her to talk about money when he is feeling good!

Carole periodically says to Rick, “We need to talk about our lack of communication.” Rick immediately knows that Carole is feeling badly and is trying to feel better by getting in to a long and drawn-out conversation about their lack of communication. If he engages, he ends up angry. If he doesn’t, he gets blamed for not communicating. Rick has learned to disengage just as Susan has, saying, “I’d love to communicate with you about anything when you are open, but right now my experience of you is that you are angry, and we are not going to get anywhere. Let me know when you are feeling good and then we can talk about anything you want.” Again, when Carole is feeling happy, she never brings up their lack of communication!

The subject can be anything – child raising, how time is spend, how much TV kids watch, health, nutrition, how clean or dirty the house is, chores that need to be done. It is not that these things don’t need to be discussed – they often do. But there is a huge difference between approaching your partner from a true desire to learn and resolve issues, or a desire to avoid your anxiety, emptiness, loneliness, heartache, or helplessness.

Lovingly Disengaging

If you are the partner at the other end of what may feel like an attack – even though it is couched as a question or a statement of wanting to talk – your best bet is to trust your stomach! If your stomach gets tight when your partner comes to you to talk, trust it. Learn to take loving care of yourself by refusing to talk when you are picking up your partner’s needy, abandoned, or angry energy. Recognize that your partner is acting out addictively to avoid responsibility for his or her own feelings, and that trying to talk will only create more conflict.

However, it is most important when you disengage, that you do not withdraw your love. It might even be helpful if you give your partner a sincere hug, coming from your compassion at knowing that your partner is hurting. Let your partner know that when he or she is open to learning, you will be there – to talk about an issue or to be of help with whatever your partner is feeling.

I’ve been getting Margaret’s newsletters for years now, and love her work…she’s co-created a powerful process called Inner Bonding®, that helps you heal your pain and discover your joy…you can get her Inner Bonding Course free (and the newsletters I get, too) here: http://www.innerbonding.com. You’ll find lots of articles and blog posts there, and Margaret works by phone, too.

This post is at: http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/2353/avoiding-your-feelings-by-focusing-on-your-partner.html

I’d like to explore this more…how we women are taught to “talk” things out – when what we’re actually doing is changing the subject – (the subject is actually and truly how WE’RE FEELING INSIDE – regardless of the situation or circumstance that triggered those feelings)…so let me know how even just being aware of this works for you.

Love, Rori

This is a guest post from Kathryn Tull (I put it together from 2 of her blog posts). If you’re getting my Interview With Relationship Experts Series, you’ve just heard Kathryn, and know what a powerful help she and her work is.  I wanted you to know she has a free teleclass coming up called “Safe and Sane” – which will help you catch the Red Flags of a man, get past your instincts to be attracted to an abuser, or a man who simply is not going to be dedicated to making you happy.  You can get her free newsletters, her free “Stress Tips,” watch her videos, and sign up for the teleclass at her website – NextBoldStep.com:

I hope many of you were tuned in to 20/20  on ABC to watch and listen to Rihanna finally speak out honestly about her event of intimate partner violence from world famous Chris Brown.

I experienced several intense emotions as I watched her interview with Diane Sawyer.

I was sickened, as I always am, when I hear the details of what happens to our sisters of all ages at the hands of abusive partners, details so familiar to me from my own past.

I was thrilled for a celebrity of her world magnitude to tell the  ugly truth with a world audience in attendance.

I was angry and frustrated that without her celebrity status, she would be unheard,  “just another victim,” like the rest of us who have also been victims, but whose experiences have not deemed newsworthy. Her trauma would go unnoticed, unattended by public compassion and awareness, still isolated in her trauma, pain and shame.

Please watch this online if you did not see it last night. If you have been – or are currently – a victim of abuse, you may find it comforting and encouraging that someone who can get into the world headlines has spoken out at this level.  If you are not a victim, you will hear truthful information about what abuse looks like, and how it can seem to sneak up out of nowhere.

We all deserve to be safe and sane in our relationships!

I’ve had to seriously rebuild my life over the past few years.

People say to me all the time, ” Wow! Look at all you’ve accomplished!”

I don’t see it as you might, because you are looking from the outside. I know how steep the climb has been, and still is at times. The road can seem long. Sometimes, the next step feels like the biggest challenge yet.

Each day I commit to see an opportunity to move forward. Yesterday was great, and I want today to be, also. What I have learned is that it is up to me.

The truth is, that not every day for every person is great. Right now  I am hearing people saying things like, “these are unsettling times, the world is going crazy.”  “Things are out of control.”

Even if you are not saying it out loud, you may find yourself thinking things like this privately.

I want to let you know one thing for sure: you are not alone. Many people are experiencing mounting anxiety, or frustration, or other troubling feelings.

When it feels like things aren’t going well in one area of your life, it  affects other areas of your life. You may try to compartmentalize, but things leak. Thoughts and feelings seep over in some pretty sneaky ways.You may not see the correlation, but that’s the way it works in us humans.

The Good news is: you don’t need magic to fix this. You need you. YOU are your most important tool for a better mood and brighter possibility. Your job, your business, your relationship can feel like a dark cloud, when thoughts and feelings work against you instead of for you.

It’s time for things to get better. Try this as a quick free fix: listen to  one of your favorite upbeat songs. More than one is even better. So basic, right? It is, and it works. The beat of the music will get your heart rate up, which will release neurochemicals into your system. These will immediately support your better frame of mind. I find that I always smile when I hear one of my favorite songs; this immediately shifts your mood!  I usually end up moving around to it, too, even if I am in the car and I am tapping in rhythm on the steering wheel.

Try it, and see how it works for you. Write to me directly and tell me what’s on your mind. I want to speak to what is important to you. You can find me at http://www.nextboldstep.com.  Join me there, and I’ll send you more tips on instant stress busters.

Have a great week. Let me hear from you!

To your forward motion,

Kathryn

From Rori – be sure to let me know if actual physical and verbal abuse is your issue…almost all of us tend to automatically steer ourselves NOT toward what’s good and happy for us, but toward what will HURT us.  Most of the time it’s in small ways. We’re looking to somehow balance out our good times with our guilt, and the nasty voices in our heads with our dreams.  Kathryn takes all this a step further, and it’s very very helpful to see ourselves in the most extreme versions of where we’re leading ourselves.  It really helps us see what’s actually going on for ourselves, and can move us much faster along. I want to see you walking  purposefully down your Bridge to your Happy Ever After! Love, Rori