Have The Relationship You Want

I think this issue is one that really keeps us stuck, so I want to talk about it:  How our “niceness” refuses to let us “go out” with a man who’s “pleasant” but “that’s all.”  Here’s a comment from Mary Ann about this very thing, that led to a dialogue:

“Rori, ok, so I just read your Yummy Pie tool email, and I can totally see how this works, but here’s my problem.

There was a time where I could get any man I wanted, I was younger and very attractive and much more confident. (sick how I feel so wrong to say that…like who do I think I am or was?) I found myself in many situations of having to reject men I wasn’t attracted to. I always felt guilty and sad about that and felt that maybe I was doing something to lead them on. I felt better with the guys I knew “could take it” if I changed my mind about them. I guess this is where I began accepting “less” and giving up my power.

As I write this I’m thinking about how guys would always call women “tease” if things got a bit hot but they didn’t “put out”. More guilt and there began my sleeping with men More…

I love it when we tap into our “boundaries.”  Where we draw a line in the sand and stick to it.  It feels good, it feels powerful, and it’s terrifically attractive to a man.

Only thing is…can your line in the sand be …”wrong”?  No – I say it can’t be wrong – but it can either serve you or not serve you.

And the only reason I ask this – is because this is what we do to ourselves day in and day out – we second-guess ourselves.  We beat ourselves up if we had a moment’s doubt about something we did, thought or said – and then things don’t work out.  We want order and control – when the truth is – chaos is where the fun is.

Here’s a comment from Erika, who’s voice I miss here – not just because she knows her stuff around a lot of things that’s helpful, but because she’s distinctive.  She makes her mind up.  Then she backs herself up.  Then, if things don’t work out, or if she feels bad, she’s willing to change course without making herself either the victim or the perpetrator.  She doesn’t beat herself up, because that’s the one thing Erika’s work is all about – you love yourself unconditionally, and then everything else rights itself.

This…however…is a very controversial comment because of the “line in the sand” Erika draws…and I’m going to weigh in on it here: More…

I have a client, who like I was many years ago, is brokenhearted and obsessed with the man who pulled away from her and hurt her.

I know you’ll identify with her story, because it takes to an extreme something we all do. This client (I’ll call her Joanne) is a fabulous person – as I know you are – and sometimes that makes everything even MORE CHALLENGING!

Changing ourselves to thinking more about US is easier if we’re self-involved, narcissistic, uncaring, selfish people. But we’re not. You wouldn’t be here working like this if that was who you are.

And when we’re a good woman – it’s challenging to tell the difference between being a good, caring human being and being a controlling, overfunctioning, needy human being because giving to someone else, even thinking ABOUT someone else is the best way we learned to survive emotionally.

Most of us were so taught that it’s better to give than receive, and most of us have lived with and known narcissistic people who demanded much of us, who only seemed to love us when we were taking care of THEM – physically, emotionally, spiritually – that we can’t even feel whole unless we do that.

When we’re stressed – we go to giving. When we’re afraid – we go to obsession. I’m very big on redoing dreams and gaining “mastery” over certain things. Basically redoing things in our imaginations…but NOT in order to gain control over them or feel “closure” around them – but to sink down into the feelings we’re hiding from and TWEAK our thinking and actions for next time.

There’s a big difference between the work we do as part of the process of HEALING ourselves – and what we do that actually STOPS our progress.

If, when you feel afraid or angry or guilty – you go to worrying about or trying to “fix” another person (especially a man you have feelings for and about) – you are going to your “default.” You are going to your “defense” against what you REALLY, most DEEPLY feel.

I want to really lay this out – You are not defending against HIM, and what you’re afraid HE might do (you can just stay AWAY from him for that) – you are defending against YOURSELF. You are entering into war with yourself. You are literally bumping up against yourself.

So – when you start to obsess about a man – for WHATEVER reason) – see if what I’m telling Joanne works for you:

“Rori, I am still having continuous thoughts about him sinking and escalating into his addiction. Joanne”

Joanne’s long-time man drifted away from her, and then suddenly started acting “peculiar.” He left her and went back to an “ex” who was bad news all around. An abusive, difficult woman. And there he stays… More…

Okay, it’s that time of year…the Bachelor is here.  And this time, he’s unusual. He’s odd.  He’s a Dudley-DoRight, stand up man who’s so uncomfortable in his own skin you can feel the coils of his being wound tight.  The kind of man he is requires a certain kind of women, and the producers of the show did him no favor.  Nearly all but 2 or three of the women are so completely and utterly wrong for him. Too sophisticated.  Too smart.  Game-players.  Bitches. Bad-girls. Mean-girls. Mentally unstable. And …all “boy.”  What he needs is a soft woman.  A “girl.” Looking at the show, it seems there are none.

And – here’s the interesting part…he’s attracted to bitches, bad-girls, mean girls, cold girls, tricky girls.  He APPRECIATES a nice girl, More…