Archive for August, 2011

Romance Yourself To Create A Romantic Relationship With A Man

relationshipIn love, relationship, romance, friendship, and family – I was taught to hold it all in, and then resent what’s going on around me.

And it’s taken all the Tools I’ve created for myself and a fierce desire to be IN my body, to know my own heart, and to connect with people I love to turn that around for myself.

Every moment of every day, when I stand next to my husband, my friends, my co-workers, my family, and especially my daughter, I want – more than anything – to simply BE there.

To just simply be where I am, and then express, out loud, how I feel about what I see and hear and feel. To express the love and appreciation, and yes – anger and fear in my heart in the moment I become aware of it.

And I’ve discovered that with every tiny step I take in this lovely direction I wish to go, my life and all my relationships change dramatically – More…

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Love-Money-Power – Kat Knecht

Here’s a great guest post by the great Kat Knecht – she was one of my favorite Relationship Expert Interviews…and I loved the theme of this:

Much has been written and many conclusions reached on how money and power are connected and the impact that has on the choices we make in the romantic realm.

The place that seems to be the most interesting to me today though is the place where most of us learned consciously or unconsciously a ton on how money and power work. The experiences we had in our childhood in this area, more than any other is emblazoned on our brains.

To say the messages I received about money and power in my childhood were mixed would be putting it mildly. A little sampling from the money and power file from Kat’s childhood goes a little like this.

My clearest memory of this last drama was of my mother taking me by the shoulders one day, looking me directly in the eye and telling me with a greater intensity then I ever remember before or after. She asked me to promise her that I ” would never depend on a man for money”. Promise!

I did promise but I also decided in that moment that my mother was wrong about love, money and power. Well I was about 7 at the time so I doubt my thinking was that sophisticated. It was however something along those lines. I had a knowing that I was all GIRL a romantic soul to boot. I knew even then that I wanted to have a wonderful career AND to have a good marriage with all the More…

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Do We Need To Save Marriage?

Is the whole concept of marriage falling apart?

Or is that just  a fiction driven by all the high profile men and perhaps all the men you’re meeting now who seem to think it’s just a bunch of rules to be broken?

What does marriage mean to you?  To me?

Why do we care?  DO we care?

Why do I talk about Circular Dating in terms of “getting the ring”? Or of the “No Girlfriend Speech” as ending the concept of “boyfriend” and More…

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Circular Dating To Keep From Getting Hung Up On One Man

circular datingHere’s a letter from Jessica – and it’s pretty much a “guest post”:

Hi Rori, my name’s Jessica, and I’ve been reading your newsletter for a couple of weeks now.

I’ve really really enjoyed what you have to say – it has helped me so much with my confidence and feelings of self-worth just in the little while since I joined your mailing list.

I wanted to tell you about my experience recently with circular dating…

I recently met up again with an old, old guy friend who I haven’t seen since we were kids. We met on a 3-day-long training activity, where we were in the same group for the duration of the weekend.

It took just a little while at the beginning for us to figure out who each other were, but then we just really hit it off.

I had a blast getting to know him again over those three days – and was quite appreciative of the good looking man he’s grown into.

We just kind of hung out and flirted the whole weekend, and then I saw him the next weekend at the formal dinner & dance following our training. I mentioned to him that I wanted to hang out more and that he should call me some time – and was a little taken aback at the lukewarm response I got, given how much fun we’d been having up til then.

The problem was, I could *feel* myself starting to get hung up on him.

I had actually just recently before this gotten out of a sort of non-relationship… a guy I had been extremely hung up on and pursuing for months, but at the end a mutual friend finally pulled me aside and informed me that he was now exclusively dating someone else.

I felt like a complete idiot, but after some time I was able to get over it, and actually was feeling more flirty and outgoing than ever before, really ready to get back into dating when I met my old friend.

But so, when I read about your circular dating method and about not getting hung up on any one guy, just after getting the lukewarm response from my friend about hanging out more, I was able to take a step back, take a deep breath, and remember how confident and fun I’d felt just prior to meeting him, when I wasn’t looking for anyone in particular and wasn’t interested in focusing on any one guy…

That was about a week ago, and just in that time I’ve already seen a huge difference in how I relate to the men around me, and how they relate to me.

Just in the last couple of days, I’ve had several other guy friends notice me, flirt with me, or seek me out to spend time with me in ways they’ve never done before – and just yesterday, I saw my old friend do a complete 180.

*He* was contacting *me* and wanting to hang out, instead of the other way around.

It was kind of funny – I actually missed when he tried to contact me, and he just left me a message – but I didn’t feel worried about the fact that I’d missed him.

I do still want to hang out with him and would love to get to know him more and see if this goes anywhere beyond friendship now that we’re adults, but I was able to stop myself from getting hung up on him, and have seen such a huge improvement in my relationships with all the guys I hang around, that I wanted to share this with you.

So it’s not a success story about someone finally finding Mr. Right or saving their ailing marriage, but it is a big success for me – and a testament, I guess, to any other single ladies out there who don’t know why they can’t seem to get away from being single and dateless… circular dating and remembering that *you* have to come first, not him, is really the key.

Thank you so much for sharing your tools and discoveries with all of us! I look forward to reading your next letter!

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Watership Down And Feeling Moved

In the spirit of open hearts and sharing no matter what – here’s something that’s deep in my heart – the book Watership Down. And this summer I got to follow the fictional journey in it and stand at the top of the real Watership Down. This is my home movie (listen for the birds….) – and just a part of my English road trip (so much relationship advice to share from it…)

Love, Rori

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Sometimes Even Bad First Dates Deserve A Do Over

understand menThis is a great guest post by one of my favorite coaches (I refer to him all the time – he’s so gentle, manly, and has a great track record) – Jonathon Aslay:

You know that expression, “Everyone deserves a second chance”? Well, it’s true – even when it comes to first dates. Face it; they’re uncomfortable for everyone, especially men. When all we want is to make a good first impression, sometimes it just doesn’t work out, like in these examples.

Extreme nervousness – If he’s jittery, jumpy, and dripping in sweat, don’t assume he’s a junkie looking for a high. It could be he’s just so nervous about having to talk to you one-on-one that he can’t even form a coherent thought. Smile, show him how easy you are to get along with, and by the second date, he’ll be relaxed and having a great time.

Failing to listen – If you’ve been around here long enough, you’ve heard me say (probably more than once) that men don’t listen. It’s not our fault. Our brains are wired differently, and we sometimes have a hard time staying focused on the conversation. It doesn’t mean he’s not interested or that he’s a bad person; it just means he’s male. Give him another chance and you might find he has many more appealing qualities that outweigh his seeming inattentiveness.

Trying too hard – Did he bring flowers and candy, open your door, and practically propose on your first date? It may have creeped you out a More…

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The Terror Of Freedom

Who would I be without that thought? Byron Katie asks (and I ask you to ask yourself).

Who would I be if I were free of that thought?

What does freedom feel like to me?

What if my happiness didn’t depend on anything a man did or didn’t do?

What if everything he did, thought, didn’t do, didn’t think, didn’t feel, didn’t know was only HIS business and none of mine?

I’ve always loved Byron Katie’s “The Work” – and always preferred my more “body/feeling” way to go.

And yet, this week, as I come up against my own holding onto some places where I’m too afraid of freedom to let go without that weird, sinking, aching feeling in the belly…I’ve found a very clean and simple way “through” in her “inquiries” – the 4 questions she asks you to ask yourself.

Here’s just a starting place for how it works for me, and I’d love to know how it works for you. (This is different from my “Riffing” work – it might feel a bit “mental” to you More…

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How Evan Marc Katz’s Wife Stays Cool And Trusting

I’ve been talking a lot with Evan Marc Katz – because I’ve known him a long time, because he’s my August interviewee for my Interviews With Relationship Experts series, and because his personal story (especially his WIFE’S personal story) is fascinating.

Given Evan’s philosophy and self-described personality, you’d think his wife would have been going crazy and seeking out my advice constantly. Instead – she’s had a solid belief in Evan and their relationship from the beginning – and used that to fuel her self-confidence and build phenomenal trust between them.

This is a comment Evan wrote on this blog post of his:

– It’s his description of how he experiences his wife’s “magic” (the “precious one” is their new baby!):

Question from Reader: “I know the lovely and gracious Mrs. Katz is busy with the precious one, but I’d love for her to tell us again of how she achieved that balance of being open and accepting without being a doormat.

Evan’s Answer: The lovely Mrs. Katz IS busy with the precious one, but to be clear, there is absolutely no contradiction between being open and being a doormat. As explained in every email and blog post I’ve ever written, my wife lets me be myself – all the good and all the bad.

I’m impatient. I’m a workaholic. I’m unabashedly liberal. I’m easily disappointed by friends. I’m constantly telling my wife how she can be more More…

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After 35 Years Of Marriage It Ends Badly – What Now?

“Hi Rori, I feel so helpless. I was happily married for 35 yrs, when one day my husband made some bad business decisions, involved my family in it, and our marriage was destroyed. I had a childhood friend that had gone through a divorce of 33 yrs and I was trying to help him through it for a year before my divorce. When I was going through my divorce he was my strength and we talked day and night.

He had a live in girlfriend that he complained so much about I couldn’t figure why he kept her. One week he came into my city for training and we both felt sparks.It was so intense for me I couldn’t believe it. He went back moved his girl out and asked me to marry him. We live 12 hours away from each other and our talks continued. Our first disagreement he moved her back and said he regretted it…but kept her.

I started dating someone else and he got jealous..I tried to love this new guy but all that kept me tied to him was that he kissed just like my first guy. He felt it and it ended. The moment my first guy found out he wrote me a long love letter and said he would not risk losing me again and again marriage plans were made. The date was set and we met for a beautiful weekend at the beach where he was to give me my ring.

Instead I found out he hadn’t told his live in girl about his decision and even said “Give her some dignity” needed time..I broke it off and ignored him for 4 months but I can’t let him go. I have tried so many times..No one compares to how I feel for him. I know you will say let him go…but how???? Please tell me how..We have so many things in common..I wish I could date a lot of men like you say but at 56 it is hard..We are ‘friends’ now but he knows how I really feel. He says he is confused.Everyone tells me I am a fool..I am! Millie”

My Answer:

Dear Millie,

There is no such thing as a “confused” man when it comes to love.

At least not a confused GOOD man.

Your man seems perfectly content to play you like a yo-yo.

Though it seems he can’t seem to choose between this other woman and you, it seems to me he’s playing each of you off the other.

It may seem like she’s the one getting the short end of the stick, and that he loves you but is simply “confused,” – but to me it seems like his relationship with that other girl is the one that’s sticking, and you come into the picture only when that one goes bad for a spell.

Ignoring him is the only way to go, so I congratulate you.

And dating other men is the only way to go.

Believe me – 56 is young!

I work with women of 66 and up, and they have as much or more success than anyone.

It’s all in your attitude, and how willing you are to use my techniques.

***This is pretty much a conversation starter.

Have you ever felt addicted and completely “out-to-sea” like Millie? Can you feel for her – or is your immediate instinct to judge her?

I identify totally with the humiliating experience of ignoring all kinds of signals, getting taken in, and fooled – though not this close to a “ring.”

How about you?

Love, Rori

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