Have The Relationship You Want

Our relationship and love and self-love  instructions are clear: Try this, try that….

And….why don’t we do those things?

An example…Open your heart, welcome a man in, take off your clothes and dance….

So much great advice.

But we resist. (“But” is a clue we’re resisting.)

I know – because I can feel MYSELF resisting…

I can feel myself having expectations.

That I shouldn’t HAVE to do this because HE should do it.

I can feel anger. It gets in the way, and I can feel it freezing my heart.

And Here’s How To “Do” What Works Even With The Expectations And The Anger: More…

Here’s a comment that seems like the “exception” – but actually – it’s the “rule”:

“Hi Rori,

I used the tools and in 21 days of meeting a man he’s ready to marry me. What do I do???? I am still circular dating and I realize that I am going to have to make a decision soon or he may move on. I find myself working very hard to stop thinking because my fear of entering a “wrong” relationship again (I’m divorced) really scares me.

I feel this man is a good man. I feel safe and happy and good when I am in his presence.

He really wants to “row the boat” and he does. But 21 days!?! That’s just feels so fast!

Despite the timing I do feel ready to be in a relationship. So how do I say yes and that I’ll be exclusive with the understanding that marriage is on More…

There are so many books out there that talk about what to “say” and what to “do” – to “play hard to get,” “have boundaries,” “don’t let him get away with stuff”…and the IDEA of STANDING UP TO A MAN is great -

- but if you “play” at anything – if you PRETEND to feel a way you DON’T actually FEEL – you’re being untruthful to yourself, and then your self-esteem drops down to the bottom and then everything goes downhill with it.

Telling a man how “wrong” he is – even if he’s done something thoughtless and hurtful – is USELESS.

It’s useless to try to “correct” a man’s behavior because:

1. It makes him instantly feel defensive - and as he becomes defensive, he LOSES his ATTRACTION for you.

And when he loses his Attraction for you – he loses his MOTIVATION to work HARD to keep you and the relationship. More…

This great letter and my “tough” answer have been sitting in my “drafts” for awhile (you can tell by the mention of the “Sex And The City” movie!) – and I really think it hits some powerful points:

“Rori, I receive your emails daily and look forward to reading them. I have a situation that I’m not sure how to handle and I’m hoping you could help me solve this in a gentler manner instead of the abrasive route that I would normally opt to take instead.

My boyfriend lives near NYC during the week and I’m going up to spend the night in another week. Instead of wanting to meet me at the train station, he expects me to find my way there (I’d have to take two more trains once I get into Penn Station). He said he would leave the office and pick me up at the train station near his office instead. We would spend the evening together (I’m hoping we can see Sex and the City and have dinner) then would drive home together the following evening, however, I would be stuck inside of the apartment all day like a family pet. I understand he has to work (we see each other often), but I don’t like the idea that he can’t even rearrange his schedule to have lunch with me.

Rori, I don’t feel valued I feel insignificant and for lack of a better phrase, I feel like a hooker.

What could I say to him that would let him know (in a nice way) that I don’t want to have to find my way there and I would feel like a pet being More…

Here’s a letter from Maggie – who’s suffering with one of the most common situations in love we’ve all faced:

“Rori, I thought I was doing really well with the guy I had been dating for three months. I had been applying your steps and tools. We had a marvelous time every time we were together. I’ve totally allowed him to be the pursuer, and there’s much evidence that we had established an emotional bond. But now it appears I have been dumped.

Last Friday night, I used step two (and kept my heart open) because I sensed some withdrawal on his part. He was physically distant with me so I just stayed physically distant with him. Nevertheless, we had a great dinner together and enjoyed watching a movie. Then at the end of the evening, he kissed me and hugged me and I certainly felt feelings of warmth from him.

Saturday afternoon he called. First he told me about this fancy dessert he was making to take to a party (that I was not invited to). Then he talked about what a wonderful time he had with me Friday night. Then he said he didn’t want a relationship because he had an internal conflict that had nothing to do with me. He said that I had given him lots of space so that’s not the problem. I said that I felt sad More…

I’ve been asked so much about my “smallest” program – Heart Connection Toolkit – because it doesn’t get promoted much and doesn’t seem to fit in any “category as my other programs do – so here’s some info on it and what it does (it’s really all about confidence, self-esteem, faith and hope).

We often spend so much time trying to cultivate our love relationship with a man, that we neglect the relationship we have with our core self – and that ends up making us LESS attractive, less powerful and feminine, and actually pushes a man away.

We women have all been taught to obsess about how to get closer with a man, how to talk to him, how to get him to give us what what we need.

And that just doesn’t work.I know it NEVER worked for me, and every client who comes to me is reeling from the awfulness of being stuck in this path of focusing on a man and a relationship, until they finally had enough of the damage it’s done to their love life and found me and this work we’re doing together.

Do you do this, too?

So when things aren’t working, do you feel resentful and worn out?

The truth is that you should not put out ANY effort trying to make a relationship happen with a man.

You need to stop DOING.

Stop trying to initiate closeness, affection, or conversations, or intimacy. Stop asking him to do things or asking him to make us feel better about things.

That relationship has to happen naturally and effortlessly BECAUSE OF you loving YOURSELF. It’s then and only then that a man can love you – but you need to love yourself first.

Your man cannot truly love you if you’re not loving yourself. Yes, it can happen sometimes- but that’s when love feels like pain.

When you don’t love yourself, and you depend on a man loving you in order to feel OK, love can feel like a constant struggle. That’s also when we feel the “drama” of pining for a man who is always just one step away from us, and never fully with us.

When you learn to love yourself and cultivate a good relationship with your self, you begin to break free of those habitual patterns that are keeping you stuck in painful relationships.

Habitual patterns can be changed. You CAN create new neuropathways in the brain – there’s research now that proves it.

All it takes is REPETITION…repetition of new thoughts and of new, positive, healthy coping habits.

With my Heart Connection Toolkit, there’s a  “plan” (this is the program where the images of riding your horse across the landscape of your life come from…and all the “Body Dialogues.” And that plan is to help you develop those new patterns of thinking and developing a better relationship with yourself.

If you really believe that you’ll never get love from the man you’re with, or never find true and lasting love with ANY man, Heart Connection Toolkit will help you break through those negative thought patterns.

The idea of the “Toolkit” is to help you nurture that relationship with yourself, help you feel better about yourself, and help you eliminate the thoughts and self-judgments that are creating “stories” inside you.

Those stories you’re telling yourself- that you’re never going to find a man you’re attracted to that will want a relationship with you, or that every man you love will ultimately leave – those stories come across as neediness, defensiveness and “drama” to a man and actually repel him.

My Toolkit will help you stop the stories. It’s the only program where you don’t have to DO anything except put in the CD and listen to my voice – guiding you, creating visualizations, cheering you on, and putting healthy thoughts in where the old “stories” used to be.

The more you listen, the better you feel about yourself.

You can read more about it on the Toolkit page here->

Love, Rori

Just wanted to let you know my dear friend Steve Warwick, who owns and chief-edits www.LoveRomanceRelationship.com is now publishing new books and articles by my friends and the coaches I mentor (and perhaps you’d like to get published there, too…). He’s now publishing:

Tinque’s great ebook (Sex and Heart), a new book and audio program by Orna and Matthew Walters (Recognizing Mr. Right), a new book and audio program by Allana Pratt (Single Mom Manifesto), and all kinds of interesting relationship-oriented books around specific skills you can use with men like body language and personality typing.

AND – he’s accepting all kinds of articles and stories for publishing – and I know so many of you are brilliant writers around relationship and the work we’re doing here – so if you’d like to be published, go on over there, read some of the articles, see if it’s a good fit for you, and contact him through LoveRomanceRelationship’s “Contact Page”!

If you’re in the mood to tell your story and give advice (no need to mention me at all) and love to write – you might like seeing your words in print…

Also – when you go over there – be sure to subscribe to the newsletters. You’ll get his “Bring Him Close” report (practically an ebook) free and get all the new articles for that week. (You’ll see me all over the place there because he’s an affiliate for me…feel free to comment if you like, too.)

Again:

http://www.loveromancerelationship.com

Love, Rori

Here’s a fabulous topic:

Hi Rori,

This is Ella from the blog.

I have been working with your programmes for a while and LOVE your work. It has helped me SO much and yet at the moment I am REALLY struggling with an issue with this guy I met.

He is younger than me (he’s 19 and I am 30 so BIG age difference) and we met and spent some time together – a whole day, after meeting the night before (I know this is not the best way and it just happened like this). No sex though. And it felt amazing being with him… and I am the prize yet I also felt so warm towards him and that he is a really unusual, brave and unique person.

Anyway basically it was AMAZING and I am feeling it for him massively, and believe he is/was for me too.

But I messed it all up because my pesky negative voices got the best of me and I let them take over for a bit, and I think it may have ruined the vibe of the whole thing. I found it hard because he is so much younger than me so I had so many ‘not good enough feelings’ pop up, around being More…

Hi, Sirens – My “You Get Love” 6-week support group coaching teleclass is starting up on Monday, Sept 5 and Thursday, Sept 8th (two different sessions) – to find out how it works, go here – http://www.coachrori.com/teleclass

Also – If you’re a client or have ever taken a class with me – you can “Drop-In” to any class this session – just let my assistant, Melanie@CoachRori.com, know if you’d like to drop-in, and she’ll send you the link (I only give out the information personally so I can keep the class small).

(Fees are only $110 per class to drop-in – and you’ll get: 15 to 20 minutes one-on-one time working with me, the full 2 class hours of me talking, scripting and working with other women on the same things you may be working on, and you’ll get access to the full 24 hours of recordings, too!)

Look forward to perhaps working with you.

Love, Rori

Phyllis Chase is my September Interview With A Relationship Expert – and she’s just one of my favorite people. She’s smart, she’s funny, she’s kind, and she’s so experienced and talented a therapist that Dr. Phil refers to her. I asked her to write us an article – and this one is GREAT! :

Healthy Arguments = Good Marriages

The number one predictor of divorce is the avoidance of conflict

By Phyllis Chase, MA, MF

Here’s the bottom line: every relationship has issues. It’s just a matter of how you deal with them.

You might think your friends who are constantly yelling or complaining are on the verge of breaking up but in fact, the number one predictor of divorce is the avoidance of conflict.

Hey, nobody likes conflict.

Healthy marriages have healthy arguments. More…