Archive for November, 2011

Demi Moore And Ashton Kutcher And Cheating

cheatingI thought this was a fascinating article:

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2011/11/19/demi-moore-ashton-kutcher-open-relationships-and-divorce.html

There’s so much I have to say about it – mostly it’s about:

There’s a level at which we women accept things – things we might not have ever thought we could accept, but things we kind of go along with, feel okay about, weigh the trade-offs of, make temporary decisions about, let time pass and hope weirdness will go away around, make excuses about, justify, reassure ourselves about, act cool around – until we aren’t okay with them anymore.

Sometimes the line is so small – no one else understands what was the “straw” that broke things for you.

Sometimes we don’t even know ourselves when the moment was when it was “okay,” and when the moment was when it was “not okay.”

It all turns into a blur, but a bad-feeling blur.

I don’t know what happened here for Demi – and I don’t believe (though I can’t know) that Ashton would have divorced her.

I don’t think there was any reason he’d want to leave her – I think he had everything he wanted, his cake and eating it, too – and is likely very offended that all of a sudden things aren’t “okay.”

When a man veers from “This is okay and acceptable in my relationship” to being a jerk who hurts a woman…sometimes it’s a very small thing, for him.

When you’re a celebrity – I don’t know how they do it.

There are no secrets you can keep.

No bargains or allowances you can make that people won’t eventually find out about.

No compromises that don’t come back to haunt you.

Everyone knows what it feels like to be humiliated – and we’ve seen many well-known women go through it majorly publicly – and I think, all of a sudden, we women have made some kind of a pact with each other.

We’ve kind of decided now, as a group, famous or not, that betrayal is not the straw that breaks the relationship. It’s not even about the sheer “jerkiness” of it. It’s the spirit  of the betrayal, and it’s the fallout.  Once everyone knows, it’s just not possible to carry on.

We’ve decided that we can no longer be the “good wife.”  I think that’s done, now.

Even if we love a man and want to carry on and patch it up – and he’s not trying to get out of the relationship or marriage – we just can’t do it anymore.

As the author of the article, Tracy Quan says, the key is when a woman feels “undermined.”

And that kind of says it for me.

The whole point, for me, of a romantic partnership is to assist each other to grow as a person.

And if what a man does affects a woman in a way that makes her have to choose whether she’s better off growing as a person by leaving him or by staying with him – and it seems that, no matter what else there is good and wonderful in the relationship, leaving him is the path to growth…then that’s the right road.

We could say, then, that staying with Bill Clinton was the path of growth for Hillary Clinton.  That, despite everything, the humiliation of his betrayal, all of it – he still was committed to her personal growth in a way no one else was.  That’s how she say it, and so she stayed – and I don’t think anyone would argue with her results.

Does this mean that we should stay with a man of power because it seems like the road to growth?

I’m not saying financial growth – I’m saying personal growth.  Growth as a person.

We can ALL see that Demi can surely meet many, many men who would support her personal growth, and that starting fresh is the way to go here.

So – the take away from this is – even though we’re not celebrities, with all kinds of obvious options – when a man who isn’t even betraying us is NOT supporting our personal growth – is that the time to leave?

Sometimes it’s subtle.  Sometimes the line is really, really blurry.

And I think now, that so many women are leaving so many men they might have stayed with before, is a great time to feel our own priorities and pressing needs.

Now’s the time to say what we want, practice warmth and love instead of fear and suspicion – and trust ourselves to leave when we’re endangering our well being.

Love, Rori

 

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For Thanksgiving

It’s so easy to say “Be Thankful” when you’re feeling good and thankful…but I know that if you’re feeling blue…you don’t really feel like thanking anyone for anything.

When you’re not really feeling “blessed,” it’s challenging to say your blessings.

And yet – that’s the way out of the rubble.

That’s the way from the blues to the greens to the yellows, the oranges, the reds….the whole rainbow.

Here’s a simple Exercise my coach, Ryan Eliason, gave me long ago – it’s called The Three Blessings:

Before bed, simply find three things you might consider as blessings in your life, and say them.

For me, I could see my dog and say I feel blessed to have my dog near me.

I could feel blessed that I had a good dinner and a glass of water.

I could feel blessed to have a window next to the bed, so I can see green plants and flowers.

The next night, it might be three different things.

Makes no difference how big or small.

The point is just to bring your attention to something that you can think of like a blessing and that feels like a blessing (no matter what else the thought of anything at all being a blessing triggers in you).

If you try to think of the Three Blessings exercise as a way to “think positively” – you’ll trigger yourself more intensely – so try “formatting” it for yourself this way…

It’s just a way to sort of “clear the lens” you’re looking at the world through.

A way to “readjust” the projector of your perspective.

A way to “reset” your “internal viewpoint.”

A way to work with your mind, instead of focusing on your circumstances.

If you look at the exercise in this gentle way, and do it gently – you might find it kind of fun and good feeling.

For me – my first blessing is you.

The fact that you’re here, that you’re a part of this community, that you care, that you’re sharing love and honoring other women and working hard to change your “view” and try new thoughts on for size, that you’re willing to dive deep into the inner sea of your feelings and let them carry you through the world – that’s magic.

For me, Thanksgiving as a tradition means nothing.

What counts for me is that with a “holiday,” we have a moment where so many of us can say “Thanks” to something – all at the same time.

So my thanks in this moment is for the possibility that exists for each of us – no matter what things look like from behind our “lens.”

Let me know what your Three Blessings are tonight, and though I don’t believe I have any power to bless, if I did, it would feel incredible to be able to shower you all with blessings…so, because it feels so good to even consider it – I’ll just do it.

Blessings to you!

Love, Rori

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Glastonbury And Magic

What would it be like to have all the time in the world?

What if you could move so slowly that you could feel every tiny, minute, infinitesimal speck of movement, every moment of what your body is doing on a deep, internal level as you move?

Try doing this with your eyes… try doing this with your arms and then with your hands… and try doing this with a man.

This is Glastonbury Tor – pure magic.

Can a relationship be magical?

I say yes…because the moment I open up and say something to my man that I’m afraid to say, the energy shifts throughout my whole body.

Relief and Release floods in, and I feel fuller than I felt before.

The relationship changes in that instant.

Magic to me.

And you?

Love, Rori

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History And Love – Notes From My English Roadtrip

Our English road trip inspired in me a sense of history.

The history of my life, and the history of my relationship with my husband.

Can we let go of our personal and collective pasts, and re-imagine and rewrite every moment NEW in the way that feels the most good to us as it’s happening, and STILL BUILD on what we’ve learned?

Can you let go and still rely on the strengths you’ve gained?

In the world there’s much that feels like an “assault.”

We can quickly feel we need to protect ourselves at every instant.

Not only our physical selves, but our emotional selves.

Are you seeing men (or one man) in a specific way that only allows him to be the way you see him?

If you change how you perceive a man, without “hoping” for change – will he change?

I say yes…

Love, Rori

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The WaterWheel Of Love Has To Turn Toward YOU

With my husband Jeffrey at Stonehenge in England – we look happy & connected in this photo.

But, truly, you can’t tell from the “image” what’s going on.

Could we have just been arguing?

Could we actually be emotionally distant and disconnected?

Or are we “on the same page” and feeling SAFE with each other?

Just like it’s hard to tell from a photo – are you drawn into “Imaginary Relationships” where you’re only looking at the “image”?

I look at this picture and feel happy.

I feel safe. I feel More…

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Clear Old Trauma And Make Room For Love With Emily Van Horn

Here’s a great guest post from my dear friend Emily Van Horn. Emily does an amazing healing technique called Somatic Trauma Resolution Therapy – and I’ve worked with her on my own stuff in her office before, and referred many women to her.  We all swear by her:

by Emily Van Horn

Have you noticed you’re still attracting the same guy or the same relationship issue time and time again?

Or maybe you are unable to make close connections because of unconscious fear or anger?

Sometimes our patterns are so deeply ingrained that for years we keep reliving the same scenario.

So, what if you’re using all of Rori’s fabulous tools and still feel stuck?  It could be that you’ve experienced some relationship trauma and you need some support in healing from it.

When there is unresolved trauma, the body’s survival mechanisms can sabotage your relationships.

Old issues get triggered and all of a sudden our fight flight freeze responses are getting set off.  What can we do?

The problem with healing from trauma is most of us have no idea how our own nervous systems work.

I certainly didn’t before I began to explore the field of somatics. The good news is that no matter what’s happened in the past, we can heal by addressing what’s going on in the nervous system right now.

When you change physiology, thoughts change, belief systems can change and patterns can unwind.

When you release the charge, you won’t be attracting the same situations because you’ll be broadcasting a new frequency.  How does it work?

Here’s A Self-Healing Tip:

Imagine doing something joyful (petting your cat, walking on the beach, playing your guitar, etc.) and simultaneously notice the sensations in your body.

Subtle curiosity about your sensations in the moment will help take you out of the trauma vortex and you’ll start to feel more expansive.  This gives the nervous system a rest and a chance to build resiliency.

There’s more to it, but that’s a great exercise to practice.

From Rori: If you want the relationship of your dreams, and you have some trauma patterns that you want to clear, I totally recommend Emily and a few sessions with her doing Somatic Trauma Resolution Therapy (STR).

Emily’s been working with clients for 20 years, and her specialty is helping individuals heal from all types of trauma.  She’ll work together with you to re-negotiate vs. re-live (these are VERY different experiences – re-living is painful – like in ‘talk therapy” -and have Emily work you through them – re-negotiate them feels like a wonderful RELEASE…).

Emily teaches people how to (these are Emily’s words): Track physical sensations in a way that leads to discharging an over-activated nervous system, and results in feeling safe and empowered, improved relationships with others, and most importantly a better relationship with self.

Emily says:

I love working with Rori devotees because you have already been practicing connecting with your body and noticing sensations, which are key to the STR process. STR is an experiential. It’s much easier to demonstrate than to try and explain with words how it works. So, for all Rori’s readers, I’m offering a FREE 20 minute phone consultation. I invite you to experience what this feels like in your own body and get results now.

From Rori: Take advantage of a free 20 minutes with Emily….you can reach her at this email address: emyvee@yahoo.com and take a longer look at what she does at www.EmilyVanHorn.com - I’d love to hear how Emily’s techniques worked for you!

Love, Rori

 

 

 

 

 

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When You’re In Grief – Don’t Take It Out On HIM

Here’s a letter from Tammy, who’s in an emotionally painful situation, and it’s slopped over into her relationship.

Is her boyfriend the problem?

“Rori
I’ve spoken to you one the phone, I’ve bought your programs but I’m in a panic.

I’ve been in a relationship for over two months and its been going well but in the middle of it my Dad has passed away, I’m feeling vulnerable and although my boyfriend is great I still feel a bit insecure.

Last night we drank lots of wine and ended up having a row over nothing. I went to bed and then went back downstairs to tall to him but he blanked me so I told him to get lost and go home!

When I awoke today he had gone and when we spoke he was very cold with me and said that if he was on the sofa and getting told to get out after More…

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Extra Weight, Healthy Weight, and Attraction

gained weightI just received this question – and it’s such a hard one, such a delicate, emotional one…I thought I’d take a stab at it because it’s important:

“Rori, My 16 year relationship ended 5-1/2 months ago.  Reason being:  I have gained weight over the years.  Is it reasonable to break up with someone over weight or should that person love you regardless?”

My Answer:

I read a lot about what happens when passion goes out of a relationship, when sex stops, when affection stops, when attraction fades.  And the “why” of it.

My favorite book on this is “He’s Just Not Up For It Any More” by Bob Berkowitz.

He doesn’t just talk about it as an “expert” – it’s all studies, answered by thousands of men and women, wives and husbands about why sex More…

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