Archive for December, 2011

Community – If All Your Values Were Changed, What Then?

My husband drove me down a mysterious, bumpy road to Paolo Soleri’s “Arcosanti” community.

Visionary and beautiful – a concept of living in harmony with the earth, yet experiencing complete urban culture…all in concrete.

Do you ever think living in a communal sanctuary would feel good?

Where values are so different from “normal life”?

What would love and relationship look like for you there?

Love, Rori

 

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Power And Animal Instinct

On the path to the “vortex” near the end of a trail in Sedona, Arizona, this looked like a dragon to me – and I love dragons.

One of my favorite book series is Ursula Le Guin’s Earthsea series, where two heroines are the first of their kind to be both human and dragon.

It makes me feel many sides of myself – and here specifically human and an unlimitedly powerful and magical creature who flies.

What are your images of power and sheer animal instinct?

Love, Rori

 

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Love To You For The Holidays

treeheartHere’s my favorite Holiday post….I post it every year…and I guess that’s my tradition. Happy everything to you…!

Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice, many more traditions both religious and secular – all together, all at once the mere thought of it fills me with feelings of dread.

Is it because I remember that winter in New York and how depressed that year was?

Is it because there’s so much family at the holidays – and I feel not only obligated and exhausted, but adolescent again around so much of my history?

My family history is wonderful. I’m one of the very lucky ones. A not so dysfunctional home – perhaps not passion, but at least humor, affection and lots of support and attention for my brother and me.

Perhaps it just feels as if all the pain of the world comes into relief around the ever present pictures of joy at this time of year. I know its not about me at all.

Its not personal. Do we all just notice, suddenly, all at the same time, that we’re all in this together?

We go to church, go to synagogue, light candles, wrap presents, shop in the same stores, rush around in the dark after work. It feels so unreal. Like going through the motions More…

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Last Chance To Get My Special Holiday Package

This is the last day for this Holiday Special – be sure to check it out:

Love, Rori

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Overcoming Betrayal – TOGETHER

love adviceHere’s a great Guest Post from the great Orna and Matthew Walters:

We know we caused a big commotion a few months back when we commented that in our opinion a man who cheats will do so again…with that same woman.

We’d like to set the record straight about that, and about all breaches of trust.

A man who cheats on a woman is unlikely to be faithful to that woman forever.

The reason for this is that there is something unfulfilling at the core of this relationship and the cheating is/was a symptom of that core mismatch.

We don’t think the situation is hopeless, however we do believe that dramatic changes need to happen in order for the relationship to survive.

This is not something that can change quickly or without effort. There’s a shift that must take place for BOTH parties to rectify and move on – TOGETHER.

If you find that you are married to a man who cheated, and he is begging your forgiveness and wants to stay…here are some parameters for you:

1. Do not rush to forgiveness.

Our emotions are so very important and they must be expressed in order to truly value ourselves.

Often times, we do not want conflict, and so it common to rush into forgiveness.

When we rush to forgiveness we devalue ourselves and our feelings.

We are saying to our partner that we are willing to deny our feelings in order to keep this relationship alive.

That is a recipe for anger and resentment.

First , FEEL everything you are feeling.

Express how you feel with “I” statements.

Utilize all of the tools here on the blog that work with expressing your emotions authentically.

It will be easy to stumble in blaming language, especially when you are angry and hurt.

Your job is to express how you are feeling and to take responsibility for those feelings.

2. Take some space.

Ask him to stay at a hotel for X amount of time.

This is really okay.

You need space to feel your grief, anger, betrayal, etc and having him around the house is just going to make it worse.

You may be worried about losing him if you do this.

Just know that if he wants to save the relationship then he will be willing to honor this request.

If he isn’t willing to abide by your wishes then he probably isn’t worth keeping around.

To be honest, if you’re going to “lose” him, he’ll go regardless of your requests and your actions.

3. Honor how you feel.

Feel the pain of it and nurture yourself at the same time.

This may seem like a contradiction, however it is not.

Take good care of yourself by doing things that allow you to feel whatever you are feeling in the moment.

Take walks, hikes, bike rides, bubble baths… just be with yourself and allow those feeling to flow through you.

It may feel overwhelming at times, but you are capable of handling much more than you know.

When you try to avoid your feelings and keep things under control then you are going to have trouble moving on from this event.

If you want to save the relationship, or if you want to be able to move on to another relationship, then you have to process your feelings around this event.

The goal is to move THROUGH your emotions not gloss over them.

4. Start practicing forgiveness.

Once you feel you have a handle on the grief, now start looking at forgiving him.

Start having some conversations with him and express how you are feeling in the moment (not about what was, but what is right now).

If he wants to make a go of it and you agree to do that (here is the very important part) – Really forgive him and move on.

To be in forgiveness means that it’s behind you. Open your heart to your man, and see him for who he is, and how you feel when you spend time together.

Trust is not on a dimmer switch. Either we trust someone, or we do not.

So if you’re going to go for it, jump in with both feet and TRUST!

If worry is something that comes up for you and it is making you anxious, work with a professional to get support for yourself.

It is important to have an outlet to discuss your worry (and let’s be honest, if this is where you are getting stuck this pattern of worry has been holding you back in all areas of your life – and this is a great opportunity to release this old pattern that is not serving you.)

5. Set up the rules for moving forward.

Ask for what you need. Tell the truth.

It’s perfectly okay to say, “If this ever happens again, you will not have another chance. We will be done.”

Spell it out in your words, in your way – and here is the very hard part – HONOR THAT agreement!

What often happens is that we pick up where we left off in the relationship in a few months… and old habits are difficult to break…but not impossible.

Honor yourself by not falling into sacrifice in the relationship. Know what your needs are, express them, expect him to meet your needs.

6. Clearly explain what you expect from him.

He needs to take action to earn your trust.

Whether it is in learning to express his feelings and ask for what he needs, if you want him to seek help or if you want both of you to seek help, it is ok to ask that he take certain actions to show his desire to repair the relationship.

Hold him to these agreements. Be clear on what your deal breakers are and stick to them. It is important for him to know that there are consequences for his actions.

When you do this then there is no need to be snooping for things, or to be worried about what he may or may not do.

Be clear on what YOU are doing and, how you are feeling when you spend time with him.

Know the saying “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?”

This is most certainly true in relationship. This could be an amazing opportunity to re-engineer the relationship and create something fabulous!

Love and Abundance,
Orna and Matthew

From Rori: You know I love Orna and Matthew – be sure to go and sign up for their FREE Newsletter–>> http://LoveNotesWeekly.com.

They’re always doing interesting, free stuff, their “Science Of Creating Love” program is fantastic, and they truly walk their talk and have an amazing relationship and can help you do the same.

Love, Rori

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Special Video: Unwrap The Gift Of Love This Season

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Time And Love – Notes From My English Roadtrip

In England, I was relaxed.

I was so far away from reality, so unplugged from email, I moved from moment to moment.

Now I’m discovering how to do that here, at home. I’d put limits on what my time is about here, and made up ideas of what my daily life should look like.

How about you? Are you living a life you’re arranging mentally, or experiencing it as you go along?

Time is an odd thing.

If you rush – nothing gets felt or appreciated and everything you want seems so far away.

If you have “all the time in the world,” everything you want seems to show up for you without “trying.”

Are you finding yourself with a sense of “urgency” a lot of the time?

Love and romance are so important to us that we’re often willing to sacrifice a lot to have it.

We’re even willing to sacrifice a lot to IMAGINE having it.

Have you ever created an “Imaginary Relationship” that cost you time, love, energy and self-esteem?

An Imaginary Relationship was often all I could handle.

Real intimacy meant letting a man see my real, vulnerable self – and I couldn’t even touch what that was inside me, much less allow a man to see it. As I learn what’s inside me and love what I discover – everything else in life starts to open up.

Are YOU more comfortable with a “relationship” with a man that goes one way – from you to him?

Love, Rori

 

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What Does “Home” Feel Like?

View from the deck of our room at Sky Lodge in Sedona.

I sat there watching bunnies hop and birds dart and light and clouds change, and wondered what the difference is between “this” and “home.”

What is it about “not being home” that changes the way you feel?

Or DOES it change?

Do we truly bring ourselves everywhere we go?

Is it only a new experience, new information but processed through our same old brain computer?

And – even more important – if you feel “at home” with one man, and not at home with another man – what does that mean? More…

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Changing From The Misery Channel To The Happy Channel

If you’re finding yourself often in some state of “misery,” how do you change from the “misery channel” to the “happy channel”?

What I love is practicing loving the misery.

Just flat out slathering love like frosting on the misery, and then switching the channel, gently, to something else.

ANYTHING else.

Even for just a second.

A breath.

I actually call this “Channeling.””

How does that work for you?

Love, Rori

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Are We Inherently Bad?

My heroes, my inspiration for my work, my philosophies, the way I’ve worked to live my life in the fullest way I can are mostly unheard of in the “relationship world”!

One of my main influences is Aletha J. Solter, Ph.D. – who is a parenting specialist, and writes articles published all over the world in many different languages about – how to raise a happy child who will grow to be a happy, fulfilled adult.

So – you say – what does this have to do with love, romance, relationship and marriage?

Everything.

Though I used Aletha’s book Helping Your Children Flourish as the parenting bible when my daughter was small – mostly – I’ve always seen it as a way to grow myself. To HEAL myself.

I recently contacted Aletha, and got her permission to publish some of her articles as guest posts that I felt really could make a difference in your love life – and at the end, I’ll pull together how to use Aletha’s parenting help to help YOU get the love you want.

This one just jumped right out at me as what we do to OURSELVES!  How we always assume the worst of ourselves.  How that grows inside us.  How we More…

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