Have The Relationship You Want

Here’s one of the most spectacular success stories I’ve ever received, from Allison. I found her request for private coaching with me lost in my mailbox, months later. Here’s her original letter:

“Rori, I recently purchased “The Modern Siren” and oh boy has it rocked my world. I need and want your help but at this point I don’t have much faith that what I am involved with can be saved.

I am 35 years old and have been with my husband since I was 23. I did not have much experience with men when we met. He is 17 years older than I am and for the past 6 years of our marriage his sexual desire has become non existent. In the beginning, I was really confused. I tried losing weight, bought sexy clothes, tried talking it to death then ignoring it and leaving it alone. Eventually I began an affair. I felt so neglected and alone and had so many needs and urges that I could no longer go without human contact and interaction.

I had been laid off of a very good corporate job and decided to pursue real estate which had always been a goal and passion of mine. My first day at the new office I met who would soon become my lover. He was also older, handsome, aggressive, attentive, detail oriented and most importantly he was the pursuer. He pursued and I gave in.

Shortly there after he wanted me to leave my husband and move in with him and everything was moving so fast More…

Here’s part of a conversation with a client I’ll call “Toni” – where she’s moving (at the speed of light, truly…) from overfunctioning, controlling, anger-filled and resentment-filled communication, fighting, arguments, blaming…everything going wrong – to ease, harmony, smiling, affection, love, laughing…everything going WELL!

This letter is happening at the point where Toni’s making a real effort to put the Tools into practice and experiencing both great results, and the fear that ANY “change” brings…

“Hi Rori-

I wanted to send you an update. I have so much going on and I need to get it out.

Things in the relationship are up and down.

They’re really good one day, and then really bad the next. I continue to do things (on purpose and by accident) to trigger arguments. Today has been really hard because I am starting to feel a LOT of anxiety lately. More than I have felt in a really long time.

I feel scared! Scared that things won’t work out and scared that they will. It’s crazy. I want to cover it up with anger, but it’s harder to do for More…

No one is worse than I at this.

If there’s a misunderstanding, I want to help everyone understand.

If something isn’t clear – I want to clear it up.

If people look puzzled, I want to explain.

If someone is explaining something to my man and he doesn’t understand – I want to explain it.

And if I open my mouth, I’m shooting myself in the foot.

What’s the answer here?

This has nothing to do with your man, with clarity, with being a good partner – it just has to do with OUR need to explain and fix everything.

It’s our overwhelming need to make people “get it” – even if it means showing them that they’re stupid, infantile, immature, and dense at the More…

Rori,

You have this amazing ability to communicate in the way that really “gets through,” that connects. I was weeping twice during your teleseminar.

While I recognize some of the small bits from the stuff I read or heard about in other conversations, it connects those parts&pieces into a whole that feels stable enough to be able to hold me, with all of my emotional turmoil. It provides what I need – both solid theoretical context (theory makes me feel SAFE, I don’t like following advise that doesn’t really go into details about why&how something works which is how most of the people give advice – you just “should” do “this” or “that”) and the practical tools I can use.

And a great deal of the approach you lay out is simply new for me. I was searching for answers and ways to deal with my emotions a lot on the More…

As women – we can’t seem to say what we feel and what we mean without feeling like we have to backtrack the moment we make someone else unhappy.

This is your “sorry.”

Get rid of “sorry” and say “I feel bad.”  “I feel guilty.”

This is the Words part of all this that makes a huge difference, and this is what I mean by ORGANIC.

We’re talking authenticity here.  We’re talking truth.

Now – we need to talk more about WORDS, and how the words we use are either out of our masculine selves or our feminine selves, and this More…

Here’s a specific situation from Laura – that actually is totally universal.

The problem is that a man is just being who he is and doing what he wants – only it doesn’t go well with what YOU want.

The frustration of trying to negotiate with a man when almost all of what he’s doing is not negotiable for him makes it so that it’s all black and white. If you can’t find some way to compromise, we go insane.

We have to either stay or go.

It’s not like loving a dress, bringing it home and then taking it to the tailor to get it fitted properly.

You take a man pretty much as he is – and you negotiate circumstances.

Sometimes, circumstances aren’t all tied up in “who he is” – and they’re negotiable.

But, most of the time – that isn’t the case.

Most of the time (especially if it’s about his kids) there’s no room for negotiation at ALL on his side.

And from there – you have to make some choices.

just – as I’m coaching Laura – don’t give up on a man until you’ve tried all my tools for at least a few months…give the relationship a chance to More…

Here’s a guest post from my best friend, Virginia Clark of http://www.itsnevertoolatetomarry.com

by Virginia Clark

Are you frustrated looking for love?

Choosing your life partner is one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make.

When you find the man who’ll be beside you every day, it impacts every aspect of your life.

So, when I see women who approach finding their “soulmate” with so little concern about it’s true importance, I feel overwhelming frustration.

They meet and date perfectly good men, men who want to be in a committed relationship; but then they treat these men as if they were nothing special, as if there were plenty more where they came from.

They make the same mistakes with men over and over again, get the same results, and are in complete denial about More…

Here’s a conversation with Nancy, a client who’s already gone from a total doormat to a totally toxic, mean, controlling man she’s lived with for a long time, to an emerging goddess who can stand her ground…see what’s happening in Nancy’s process:

“Dear Rori,

I’m managing to not go nuts over this one, because I’m not being faced with it head on. I have no idea what precipitated this tirade over chat…… but he’s blaming me for his crappy job, and his crappy life, and everything he has going wrong…

He’s told me he can’t take his job anymore, that he’s going to quit today. He blames me for the decision to take this job in the first place (I was More…

Here’s a situation from Bethany:

Thank you, Rori, This is really long, but I think the last part is the best…mini breakthrough!

Well, alcohol does not a night of good feeling messages make. Last night Christopher took me to this event on campus, and there was an open bar and then went downtown for one beer. There was a girl there who knows Christopher’s uncle, and he played a message for her that his uncle had left him on his cell phone: they had their heads close together listening to this message and I just felt panicky and jealous.

But I stood there with the feeling which felt like a rush of adrenaline in my stomach. Then we all hung out together until I said I felt tired and Christopher jumped up to take me back to my place, where we ended up naked on my bed.

He asked me if I would give him a blow job and I said no, I don’t know you well enough yet. He was fine with that. Then I said something about how I’m not comfortable with “f*ck buddies” and that I don’t have sex with my friends…he was confused and said he thought that we were more than friends and I said yes but I can only introduce you as my friend Christopher…

He then said a few interesting things that I don’t remember in order:

1) he asked if he annoys me when he calls (I said no) and that he feels like he does all the work

2) I asked him if he wanted me to call him more and he said no I don’t want you to do more of anything (okay, good, right?)

3) when we get so close to having sex and then stopping, he said he feels needy and that’s when he needs to hear that I like him More…

Here’s a guest post from Orna and Matthew Walters – my amazing, lovely, fabulous interview for April in my Interviews With Relationship Experts series:

This week’s question comes from Sharrie:

“Hi there! Love your weekly notes! How about addressing love addiction? Very little is written or researched on this topic.”

Dear Sharrie,

Thanks for asking about love addiction. We feel that this statement in itself is an oxymoron – these two words just do not go together.

The LOVE we speak of and support people in creating cannot be connected to “Addiction” – there’s no room for it.

There certainly are many ways to avoid feeling our feelings and addiction is a way for a person to avoid feeling negative emotions.

Whether we’re talking about sex addiction or so-called love-addiction… this is all a faulty program for coping.

When we have sex, particularly when we orgasm, there are an enormous amount of “feel-good” chemicals that flood our entire system. It’s a rush that is very similar to the rush from many drugs and it is possible for a person to become addicted to this rush.

As with any addiction issue, a new way of dealing and coping with life must be created in order to live a balanced and harmonious life.

The help of a professional is very important so that one does not give up one addiction for another.

All of our behavior has positive intent – meaning that we all want to receive love, approval, and acceptance, as community and connection are our soul-based desires.

HOW we go about attempting to receive these feelings can become dysfunctional at a very young age, setting the stage for lifelong problems.

It is possible to exercise our free will and change these programs, just remember that a person does not stumble into them, this transformation requires dedication and commitment.

Love and Abundance,
Orna and Matthew

From Rori:

To get to Orna and Matthew, get their free “Love Notes” and get the incredible help they offer all over their site – much of it for free – - just go to creatingloveonpurpose—>>>

Be SURE to absolutely watch their video when you get to the page – watch how they listen to each other, how attentive Matthew is, how still and simple and just THERE with him Orna is (you don’t see her wheels turning while she’s waiting to speak – she’s truly hearing him).

It’s as though they’re so in tune, really attentive, that they just know with “signals” when to listen and when to speak.

It’s all kind of effortless and, I think, magical. This is what you want to copy! And this is what they teach and talk about.

(You’ll see my testimonial and love letter to them on the page, and know this – I hardly EVER do that for anyone, friends or not. I really believe these two walk their talk.)

Having them in the same room during the interview – I could SEE how this works.

Not only do they have this amazing connection and real intimacy, rawness, truthfulness and attention with each other – there’s absolutely NO tension. The amazing thing about that, for me – is that they WORK together.

They live together, they work HARD together creating programs and doing interviews and running their business and coaching TOGETHER – and so they’re CONTINUALLY working things out – and what they’re doing with all this is creating DEEPER intimacy.

I watched them NOT shut down, NOT compete, NOT raise their hands or pushing against each other.  What I saw and felt was a true, organic TEAM.  You’ll love this interview, and Orna and Matthew…

Love, Rori