Have The Relationship You Want

This is one of my favorite posts:

There are therapists and dating experts who teach those of us who are still entangled, bound, wrapped up in and held by a lover who is no longer a happy part of our lives, how to let go.

It is said that you can’t enter a new relationship while you’re still bound by the old. That you must release this person to leave room in your life and your heart for your true soulmate to come on in.

It’s a fact that our bodies and hearts get connected to those we love and have sex with. It’s chemical, and spiritual, and emotional, and it doesn’t just go away because we say goodbye. And it’s true that every time we have the same thought about that goodbye, we experience the same feeling we felt when it More…

OMG – This is so great!

http://hahasforhoohas.com/the-fart-that-almost-altered-my-destiny/

Here’s a great guest post from my best friend and amazing relationship coach Virginia Clark of http://www.itsnevertoolatetomarry.com

by Virginia Clark

It makes sense that if you exist so does your perfect partner.

If you don’t believe this maybe you’re making excuses for being single because you’ve become discouraged and you’ve lost hope over time.

When you give up on your dream of finding a good man it can be a form of self-sabotage. Let’s face it; it’s hard to keep believing in your dream of marriage when it’s taking longer than you had hoped.

So you may find yourself making excuses as to why you just can’t find the right man.

One of the most common excuses I hear women make revolve around where they live.

Do any of these sound familiar?

“In Los Angeles there are no good men, they are all superficial and all they want is a beautiful woman on their arm” or “I live in such a small town, More…

Here’s a letter from Joanne, who’s been blindsided by a guy she’d invested a year and a half with…

“I asked the guy I have been dating for 1 1/2 years where he saw things going?

His reply…I don’t think I am ever interested in a serious relationship. What is my next move if he calls or messages me? Joanne”

My Answer:

Your next move is simple – you CANNOT be EXCLUSIVELY involved with a man who isn’t interested in forming a lifelong partnership with you – if that’s what you want with HIM..(not all women want that, even after 1 1/2 years) -

You’re going to have to decide if you want to end it quickly, with no contact, or if you want to do this more slowly – I say try what I’ve written below FIRST (with a short timeline for yourself to start Circular Dating and see what happens) – before you dump him. More…

Here’s a letter from Nancy who’s convinced she can make a relationship “happen” – and is going about it in a way that’s defeating her:

“Rori, He contacted me to make plans for Friday before I had to ask him about it, but I’m wondering what to do as a next step. We had a fantastic, lovely evening out on Friday – dinner, a party, dancing, then a walk.

So then we were kissing (which was all we were going to do given the way things are right now between us), and he said we shouldn’t be kissing as we have a friendship not relationship at the moment! That while he’s in his divorce transition, he doesn’t want to commit to a relationship etc.

I reminded him of all the times recently when he has told me about his feelings for me. And he said yes, but his feelings come and go at the moment. So I More…

Here’s a great guest post from Lisa Copeland, with a situation that’s totally universal – wanting to change a man:

by Lisa Copeland

Kerrie, a single woman over 50 was dating Mike, a really nice man who just loved SUGAR. He ate sweets like it was his job- a cookie for breakfast, a cupcake for lunch and a normal meal with candy for dessert.

Do you remember the “Slim Fast Plan” celebrities like Kathie Lee Gifford used to lose weight? Well this guy claimed his sugar diet did the same for him.

To Kerrie, massive amounts of sugar consumption were a red flag for her. She knew what sugar could do to a person so she said something to Mike about it. Kerrie did it from a place of fear and concern for him but it came off sounding authoritative and controlling. It was obvious he didn’t like what she was saying.

When she finished baring her soul about his “problem”, he looked at her and said, ” I know you think sugar isn’t good for my health and don’t take this the wrong way but have you ever considered losing 20 pounds for your More…

Here’s a great guest post from my friend and soon-to-be Monthly Interview Lauren Francis - I’m just posting it here exactly as she sent it (you’ll love her book, and she’s so much fun!)

How To Tell If He’s “The One”…From Date One!

by Lauren Francis

Wouldn’t it be great if your dates came with little warning stickers?

Well, you’re in luck, because they actually do. You just need to know how to spot little clues that say: “I’m unavailable,” “This is only a romp,” and “I’ll probably spill red wine on your brand new duvet.”

So, if you’re tired of your online dates deliberately mislabeling the merchandise, then those pesky three little words:

“Wants marriage: Definitely.”

…are often being taken at face value. In fact, they can often make you feel totally misled. So, before you fall under the spell of your dates gorgeous blue eyes, you’ll want to make sure that they really meant what you read! That’s why it’s so important to know how to do a little More…

There’s something a little “off” in the way your partner has been acting lately. You’re starting to wonder if they’re cheating on you.

There are some clues, but you’re not sure if they mean what you suspect they mean.

They’re spending less time at home, have become a sudden workaholic, are taking their phone calls in private or aren’t sharing as much about their day with you as they used to.

When you question them about why they’re being so secretive and distant, they snap back at you, usually with a logical explanation. “I’ve got a special project at work.”

Or they accuse you of snooping, being paranoid or not trusting enough. They make you feel guilty for even bringing it up.

When your partner is having a cyber, emotional or sexual affair, sometimes the most subtle clues can be big red flags that signal a destructive secret is hiding underneath the surface.

While it may be obvious from some of their behavior that they’re hiding something, some changes aren’t so obvious. Perhaps they give you an odd glance or there’s something cold in their eyes that doesn’t quite feel right to you. When you ask what’s wrong, you may get a shrug or a defensive, “Nothing! Get off my back already.”

You may start to wonder if you’re going crazy or just being paranoid for no reason.

Here’s what I know from my professional experience as a relationship therapist: If you’re suspecting that your partner may be hiding something, if a sinking feeling in your gut is telling you “something’s off,” then it’s absolutely time to pay attention. Your intuition is sounding an alarm.

Here’s a quick checklist of cheating red flags from my book, Chatting or Cheating: How to Detect Infidelity, Rebuild Love, and Affair-Proof Your Relationship that can help you determine if the subtle (or not-so-subtle) shifts in your partner’s behavior may be signs that they’re cheating:

Red Flag #1 They’re suddenly more aloof, withdrawn or want more “space.”
Overall, you’re noticing less intimacy, sharing, talking and self-disclosures going on. Your partner may seem zoned out, lost in thought or less available to you.

They talk in terms of “me” or “I” instead of “we” or “us,” as in “The next time I go on vacation, I want to go to Hawaii.” And when you lay your concerns on the table, your partner calls you jealous or says you’re imagining things. They might even say you’re “smothering them.”

Red Flag #2 They’ve lost interest in you, your problems and sex. When you bring up a problem, your partner tells you it’s no big deal or tells you that their problems are worse.

They’re not as emotionally supportive.

Even when they’re home, you feel a lonely void between you, like there’s no one with whom to share your thoughts or feelings.

There’s less affection and passion. When you suggest making time to connect you get back “Not now babe” or “Maybe later.”

Even if you are still having regular sex, it may seem like they’re performing a chore rather than making love.

Red Flag #3 They get easily annoyed, defensive or argumentative. When an affair (be it cyber, emotional or physical) has begun, the cheater may want to sugar-coat their guilt and justify the affair. Making you the bad guy helps them feel better.

That’s why a cheating partner may try to find ways to blame you for their indiscretions. They start fights, pick on you, push every button you’ve got and may even accuse you of cheating. Cheaters are good at transferring the guilt onto you — don’t buy into it.

Red Flag #4 They’re not immediately available when you call, text or email them. Your partner is spending more and more time away from you, and they’re more difficult to reach. When you try calling on their cell phone, you get voicemail.

When you ask why they didn’t call or text you back, the answer is, “The battery died and I couldn’t use my phone.” There are endless excuses about work or other things that limit their availability for making plans with you.

Red Flag #5 They’re spending more time online or on their cell phone than with you.

If the amount of time they’re spending talking to, texting, emailing or messaging someone else is strongly impacting your time together, there is a problem brewing.

Red Flag #6 They’re acting secretive all of a sudden, especially around the computer or cell phone. Your partner has Facebook, email and social media accounts that you don’t have access to.

When you ask about their online friendships, you get short, sharp, evasive or defensive responses back. Your partner receives regular texts, emails or sexy photos from a “friend” you weren’t aware of.

Suddenly, they’re conducting mysterious calls in the other room and when you ask who called, the answer is… “No one.” “Wrong number.” “It’s business.” or “Why do you ask?”

Red Flag #7 They look, smell, and dress better, but not necessarily around you. They’ve suddenly started working out. They might have a change of clothes in the car or in a sports bag that aren’t gym clothes.

Your partner may leave the house smelling like soap and come back smelling like perfume or cologne. They may be buying new clothes or lingerie, but not wearing them for you. Someone else may be reaping the benefits of your partner’s newfound interest in looking spiffy.

Let’s face it, any of these red flags are indicators of behaviors that are suspicious and should arouse your doubts. Even if your partner is not cheating, but is keeping secrets, withdrawing, lying, being hurtful or withholding important communication of any kind, it’s clearly time to heed the red flags, take your blinders off and press on to know the truth.

Ignoring the clues won’t help the situation because denial just harbors more deceit, mistrust and greater distance between you.

Cheating happens for a variety of reasons and it usually means there’s something missing in the relationship. When you both honestly address the underlying problems and relationship vulnerabilities that may have lead to cheating, healing can begin.

With truth comes the chance to improve the current condition of your relationship. I’ve counseled numerous couples who have transformed the discovery of an affair into an opportunity to wake up, clear up the wounds of the past and learn new lessons for the future. Love and connection can be resurrected and a healthier relationship rebuilt.

There is hope.
Sheri Meyers, Psy.D is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in Los Angeles, CA, and author of Chatting or Cheating: How to Detect Infidelity, Rebuild Love, and Affair-Proof Your Relationship.

Connect with Dr. Sheri Online:

Twitter

https://twitter.com/DrSheriMeyers

Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/Dr.SheriAnnMeyers

Website
www.chattingorcheating.com

Just wanted to let you all know I’m gone (to France! – this picture is of me last year in the Lake District of England) as of tonight and won’t be reachable or replying to your comments…

I’ll check in when I can, and for those of you who know my passion for science fiction fantasy romance -  think of me as “off-world” until September 26th.

The posts you’ll see on the blog until then are all scheduled in advance (some great guest posts, and mostly ideas, concepts, advice and new Tools I’ve been thinking about recently that I hope are very powerful for you) – and when I get back, look for posts on everything I’ve learned from this new roadtrip with my husband!

After the 26th – everything will be moving fast – the You Get Love group coaching class starts on Oct. 11th and 15th (2 separate classes) – and I’ll be writing with a passion as soon as I step off the plane…if you’re not on my “private event list” – here’s the info on You Get Love:

http://www.coachrori.com/teleclass/

If you need help on the blog – please let Dominique know, she’ll be the coach I refer my clients to while I’m gone, and she’ll be monitoring, helping, and answering questions here.  If you see any technical issues – let Dominique know, and she’ll get in touch with my webmaster to fix it fast.

Can’t wait to talk to you as soon as I get back!

Love you all, Rori

A short message for Nancy who feels in despair about her future love life….

What we think we want doesn’t always serve us.

I spent much of my romantic life, and my “best” years chasing after men who simply weren’t right for me.

Yes – there was AMAZING chemistry and sex, yes, I felt a soul-deep connection (one in particular I can name and have written about – and that lasted 7 years), yes there was intense deep feeling…..but still, they weren’t right for me.

And letting go of them was excruciating. (Yes – there was more than one, or two, or even 3 or 4, maybe MORE!)

And so, please use my Tools to talk yourself out any defeatist attitude you’re harboring.

The truth is – we don’t know ANYTHING.  You don’t know who is or isn’t out there for you – but if you choose to decide now that there’s no one, imagine how much harder it’s going to be for him to find you.

This despair is coming from your subconscious.

Please don’t let it run you.

Talk to it, love it, embrace it, make friends with it, offer it new food, new thoughts, new attitudes, and reassurance that you’re in this for the best of yourself as a WHOLE – all these parts that want you to despair included.

Love, Rori