i am just weepy all night. you think i posted have a book on rori’s blog well i journalled just as much away from the blog. just so much coming up for me. i don’t even know why. i feel ok though. maybe a little over it. like ok i get poor alias girl crappy childhood lonely life oh ok. i wouldn’t mind not being so triggered by ugly unconscious people. you know if i had the proper perspective. like these people are Unconscious. they are totally not in touch with what they are doing. living from the outside in as i like to say.

anyway. i feel grateful too. i feel grateful for being who i am and just the all of it. the unexpected. and yes. reshi the guy i haven’t even met yet that will make the boymen or girlmen fade fast in my memory. my mind keep dregging the old ones back up bc it has no one and i want to love and feel that fun thing between a man and woman. (or menmen womenwomen whatever no discrimination).

i feel soft. i feel strong. i love myself and all my foibles and weepiness and melodrmam and being triggered. i love my past. i actually specially requested my past and the universe was so generous it complied. i love my blech boss who i have cast as my villian and i willl heroically overcome and leave him in the dust of my glory. i feel soft and open. like soft clean gras you want to take a nap on.

Cassandra–what you said about only feeling safe when Charles ISN’T around–I felt the same way around my husband for the last few years. I just didn’t feel safe with him, even when he said he loved me, there was too much anger. And in my case I don’t even know if I had a REASON to feel unsafe, or if that was a carry-over from my father or old relationships.

Alias Girl, just because there are zero guys right now doesn’t mean Mr. Right can’t just walk in the door tomorrow. Sometimes they just come out of nowhere! We don’t have to make it happen or worry over whether it’ll happen.

but i can’t wait til i make that step into freedom like you did. toxic environemtns are toxic environments no matter how much benefit i reap from them. but still the world is kind oof like a toxic environment so i fear i may not really find anything better unless they are environemnts i create myself. i don’t know. i feel a little sad about the whole thing.

but i am excited about your new adventure! sometimes things happen to push us along. maybe this happened so you would be motivated to start your business. YES YOU CAN!!!

and in the past it had severly affected my self esteem. esp when i REACTED back in a way that was undignified. or if i bought into the lies i was being fed. and it was circular bc then i would get depressed and think i COULDN’t get another job. bc i felt so unenergized and had all this unprocessed rage and also with unprocessed feelings i lose clarity.

today i feel like i have a little more clairty about the sickness that pervades my place of employment.i just kept grounding myself and touching physical onjects and saying things like what if it’s good to feel good aand imagining the air around me enveloping me in love and protection and right action. just trying to use as many of rori’s tools as i could thikn of. it’s good to have a stock of rori tools in your toolbelt. that way you can conquer any demon that comes at you and end up coming out feeling POWERFULAND IN LOVE WITH YOURSELF. or in love with myself i should say.

somepeople theorize that your entire outside reality is created by you. that makes me feel sad and disappointed. that i would create pres bush and wars and killing and terible bosses and lonely nights and holidays. and bad families. why would i do that to myself.? why? and how to i heal all that?

which didn’t want to give me a raise (company policy about little company stuff) despite how much effort and success I’ve had teaching the kids – which is what I care about.

So I am off on my own jobless!! YAY! I am going to finish setting up my company now… I am going to have more time for my dance classes, hanging out, and dating…

And I am going to still pay my bills – I Bet! I Bet on ME!

YAY!

today i just refuse to respond. it feels like i am letting myself down when in reality i am taking care of myself. i can not have a conversation with INSANITY. seriously. you wouldn’t try to have a conversation with someone in an insane asylum and try to explain why your behavior was actually GODD INTENTIONED. no you would not defend your pride or reputatuion or intentions or job performance or anything to a CRAZY person. you would just process the feelings being triggered (family issues) and then try to have some compassion for MR. CRAZY. ah i feel better. i feel like the adult here. i am in charge of my responses. i feel taken care of. i feel stronger. i feel healthier. it feels airy in my body. like a spring breeze through an open window with a white curtain flowing. i also feel a little smug. hah. take that MR CRAZY. AS HE’s just chewing on the bit for a conflict. bc he is one of those people who can’t feel. poor guy. how ironic. my worst enemy has the very affliction i would wish on my worse enemy. i am not a real person to him ah, yes. my boss is a TOXIC MAN. of course. i thank the holy heavens that i only attracted it in my shitty job that means little to me and not in a marriage. i can learn what i need to learn this way and not have to completely break my sensitive heart. i feel sooooo much better. so much calmer. omg omg omg. thank god for this secret space i found to express my feelings and still be witnessed yet it’s safe. omg thank god.

so i am still considering how to let a man know that i require romance. it truly is a requirment a(i think. maybe if i had a man coming at me with loving tenderness and commitment and cooperation i would be willing to forgo the romance.i don’t think so though. i think i would resent my decision to sell myself short.) i feel guilty for wanting romance. here i have zero men clamoring for me and now i’m making this new requiremnet for romance? some people don’t have all their limbs. and i want romance? YES i do. i am sorry for all the suffering in the world but surely it doesn’t help anyone for me to stoop low and suffer along with them. i want romance. in one of rori’s earlier psots she said the best thing a woman can do is speak. clearly about what she wants what she doesn’t want. so i am back to thinking if i say i want to ride the ferris wheel it is ok. i want a relationship that involves romance. i do not want to make a commitment to a relationship that does not have romance. period. that sounds fine to me. i’m wondering now what all the fuss was about. maybe like daria said not to attach heavy emotions to it . and be willing to accept no for an answer. but since it is a requirement for me then his no would equal my no as well. no heavy drama attached. just the simple truth.

i feel scared i will neverlet anybody in. i am so uncomfortable with closeness and my ability to walk away is just too fierce. maybe baby steps towards receivng like rori says. baby steps towards closeness. i mean the guy doesn’t need to move in tomorrow. i miss my ex. my ex that offered my friendship no romance. it’s a no deal. i just feel lonely. but i felt worse in that situation which is why i left it. ok new day today. i could meet three new men before the day is over. !