As If You Were Already Happy

Let’s replace the “If Onlies” with the “What Ifs” – and then let’s move those “What Ifs” into “AS IFs.”

So – what does this look like?  And even more important – What does this FEEL like?

Let’s just do it and find out for ourselves in our unique ways – and let’s start with the big one:

Step 1: If Only I had the relationship I want with the kind of great man I want…

Let’s take that to:

Step 2: What If I had the relationship I want with the kind of great man I want…

Now – take a moment to settle down into your body and feel what that FEELS like.  Dare to imagine that you HAVE this amazing life you want.

Now let’s take it to the last step:

Step 3: Act AS IF you HAVE this amazing man and relationship, and that it’s a living, breathing, flowing, growing, beautiful thing…

That means – you don’t have to imagine it, it’s already here.  This room you’re standing in is the room you dream about – it just already is.  EXACTLY AS IT IS.  Just accept what’s around you as part of the picture – otherwise your system will reject this step (if you catch yourself resisting and rejecting this As If idea – just go to the Targeting Mr. Right- Power & Self Esteem Category here and do the “Riff”).

If your man is in front of you, just accept HIM as part of the picture, and focus on feeling in your BODY that this is your dream come real.  Just act AS IF.

If you’re in-between men (a GLORIOUS place to be right now – because you can start fresh, hit the ground running and move lightening fast to your dreams – REALLY) just act as if you’re IN the exact relationship you dream about.  Don’t make a big deal out of it – just act as if, simply.  Just do the laundry, wash your face, put on makeup AS IF everything were exactly the way you want it.

You can’t just THINK this – you have to FEEL this, so walk around. Take yourself to the drug store or the market, or work, and just BE the woman who has EVERYTHING.

Just BE that woman.

If you feel silly, or wrong, or stupid, and your Nasty Voice is just kicking in like mad, don’t worry.  Just try to get a few seconds out of Step 3 every time you do it. You don’t need to carry this on for more than a few seconds at a time – every second is like a breakthrough for you – truly.

What we’re trying to do here is slowly build a new reality for your brain. (And our brains are so literal – it’s an easy thing to retrain them! – A brain can’t tell the difference between what we call “real” and what we “make up” in our heads.)

Just move through these 3 steps as often as you can during the day.  For fun – Watch how your Nasty Voice gets all activated and agitated.

Enjoy the Nasty Voice’s discomfort (remember – it’s only getting so loud because you’re MOVING FORWARD – because you’re starting to feel like you DESERVE all the great stuff you truly DO deserve – and the Nasty Voice’s only JOB, the only one it has – to keep you safely tucked inside the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual BOX you’ve ALWAYS been in – feels like it’s in danger every time you do something NICE for yourself).

Let me know how this works for you – I’ll be doing it right along with you, so know I’m right beside you while you HAVE what you want.

Love, Rori

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47 Comments to “As If You Were Already Happy”

  1. 1: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow Rori… I have to admit that I did this with what was 1st on my mind right now, which is having and earning the kind of money I can feel proud of in my family. I was only able to picture the As If for a few seconds until I heard my Dad coming up the stairs and freaked out that he would put me down or break my As If fantasy. Those few seconds, mabye 2, maybe 3, felt sooo good. I want them back and I feel terrified of my family attacking me for behaving or feeling As If in front of them.

    Saturday, 17 January 2009 @ 11:45am

  2. 2: AnnNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve been working on turning what if into a positive statement for awhile. This part of your post which is about part 3 Act AS if, really spoke to my heart.

    “Just do the laundry, wash your face, put on makeup AS IF everything were exactly the way you want it.

    You can’t just THINK this – you have to FEEL this, so walk around. Take yourself to the drug store or the market, or work, and just BE the woman who has EVERYTHING.

    Just BE that woman.”

    I have everything I need today. I an confident and fine. I feel good.

    I be the woman. That felt good.

    Saturday, 17 January 2009 @ 5:28pm

  3. 3: ReshiNo Gravatar says:

    I just put my cell phone to my ear as if he’d called me. “Hiiii sweetie. :) Yeah, I’m feeling good. OK. Wow, isn’t that cool? Well, I’ll be out for a few hours, but I’ll see you at home tonight. Love you, bye.”

    No one needs to know the phone wasn’t on.

    Saturday, 17 January 2009 @ 5:33pm

  4. 4: AnnNo Gravatar says:

    Reshi,

    That put a smile on my face. It felt good to read. You’re very smart.

    Saturday, 17 January 2009 @ 5:48pm

  5. 5: BebeNo Gravatar says:

    Rori,
    Thanks so much for all give us.
    When I do the As If, I feel gloriously FULL!!

    Small nasty voice Question,
    Feel As I f I have everything I want, ….. makes me feel super confident, i.e. I can lean forward and call my LI with/about anything and not care at all. Even get a little bitchy demanding…. And not care at all about results. How would this work?
    On a pretty note,,,As If makes me feel free like a bird.

    Saturday, 17 January 2009 @ 5:51pm

  6. 6: BebeNo Gravatar says:

    I love doing and loving As If….beacause
    I feel secure , and confident, and loved deeply and feel complete, I feel a huge ocean wave in my tummy, so high and big like the ocean , ,, never ending abundance, depth ,

    Saturday, 17 January 2009 @ 5:55pm

  7. 7: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Bebe –
    Brava for the work you’re doing – and – you could experiment with ANYTHING – and, by the way, my “Passion Stories” ARE a form of forward leaning (in “Reconnect”) – only thing is – when we make HUGE, abrupt changes in how we use our energy, there’s often a “backlash.” Our Nasty Voice goes into high gear, and then we end up bounding around emotionally. Much better is small, gradual, BABY STEPS in any given direction – try things out slowly and easily, and make sure things feel good and fun. Love, Rori

    Saturday, 17 January 2009 @ 6:29pm

  8. 8: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – what a brilliant personal awareness – this is POWER. Now that you know what goes on inside you when you even THINK about having what you want – you can take baby-steps toward it without freaking yourself out! Love, Rori

    Saturday, 17 January 2009 @ 6:31pm

  9. 9: ReshiNo Gravatar says:

    Wouldn’t you know it, just an hour after posting that, 2 of my guys called. A devastatingly handsome boytoy and the one who’s been calling me every week (but his name is still crossed off my list because I felt it was too easy to get hung up on him). I missed both calls, called the second one back and we had another nice conversation. He feels very good to talk to, he is talkative and he listens to me and seems genuinely interested in what I have to say. Plus comfortable enough with me to complain about his computer apparently. But I might have to stop talking about him here if he keeps calling, as I am starting to like him and I wouldn’t want a man analyzing me on someone’s blog, I don’t think.

    It seems that every week, 1-2 guys say they’ll call, and 1-2 actually call, and they’re not the same guys who said they’d call. But this now feels like head stuff and I really just wanted to say that I feel good after talking to this dude. I listened to his message after I got off the phone and I just felt like I wanted to scoop him up and cuddle him (not that I could, as he is tall and buff). So attentive. It feels like his energy is on me and I like that.

    Saturday, 17 January 2009 @ 7:14pm

  10. 10: ErinNo Gravatar says:

    What I love about this (besides that it was just a topic of conversation for me tonight–before I read this blog) is that it changes everyone around you as well. You start to believe just be feeling it but so do others. I am a firm believer that people firmly believe what you tell them (or show them). For example, if you are always downing yourself or acting as if your world is a mess, people will believe you. They have nothing else to go on. If you show the world that you have what you want, the world will believe you and in accordance give you what you want.
    This is my first official post but I LOVE this blog and you Rori. You have brought an insight to me that has fallen into line with all my intentions up to this point. So thank you (and the Law of Attraction) for your wisdom and choosing to share it with the world.

    Sunday, 18 January 2009 @ 1:47am

  11. 11: CookieNo Gravatar says:

    I leaned forward today I called my guy, I wanted to know what was going to happen to this bill. I feel so silly now for initiating the contact. But was else is there to do? It was about business but in my heart it was also an olive branch. I know, rori, this is not the way. I don’t know what else to say, I guess I am a glutton for punishment. sometimes.

    Sunday, 18 January 2009 @ 6:39am

  12. 12: BebeNo Gravatar says:

    Rori,
    I feel a little embarassed to say this but I feel so special and giddy that you responded. Thanks.

    I am realizing that as I ‘heal’ myself, he also is being’healed;. In other words he isn’t going anywhere, he soaks it all up, even when I feel clumsy expressing my emotions, I feel braver, and wiser.
    I am on my Horse though, to my happily ever after with him or without him. I have your voice in my head that overpowers the nasty voice now,

    Rori, maybe you don’t realize this, but it is my college bound daughter who will benefit even more by all yout work.
    . I instilled high self esteem and confidence in her from day one something I lacked as a child. I have guided her thru life in a better/higher way than I have myself (until now ). She naturally has a higher degree of difficulty , and self love. Funny how we know what is right to do and accept nothing than the best for our child. She will never accepts crumbs . She knows she is the prize .
    I feel all us Mothers of girls on this site understand this.
    Love,
    Bebe

    Sunday, 18 January 2009 @ 7:26am

  13. 13: BebeNo Gravatar says:

    Something sweet that did surprise me, ..
    the other night my LI called me his ‘safe place’ in this world, this came out because we were in difficult moments, and he felt I was giving him a hard time
    I felt rage because plans had to be changed, we hadn’t had time together, he will be away next week etc. He had stresssful days at work, I felt it was all about him etc. And then everything turned because I did not stuff my feelings down, though it took a couple of hours for us to powerfully connect , because I spoke from my heart..
    I remember Rori way back you said when a man feels safe with you he will open up.

    Sunday, 18 January 2009 @ 8:31am

  14. 14: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Erin, Welcome, and I look forward to hearing more from you. Love to have coaches and therapists on here – the more you give advice, out of your own passion for your work – the more all the rest of us can practice receiving from you like “girls,” and sticking to our feelings and Feeling Messages. Love, Rori

    Sunday, 18 January 2009 @ 12:25pm

  15. 15: AnnNo Gravatar says:

    Cookie Hugs, don’t beat yourself up over it.

    Erin I look forward to reading more of your post. I’m always interested in learning more about and practicing LOA.

    If I’d been able to get online earlier, this post would of been quite different. I was feeling SO angry. I’d had a arguement with a family member, boy was I feeling pissed off.

    But that’s not what I came to share. I feel fine now. I feel like sharing a “duh” light bulb moment. Some of you have seen me write I believe the tools Rori gives us to practice with are good for all our relationships-with everyone we come into contact with. And I read over and over Rori saying “practice this tool(all her tools) on everyone. Use feeling messages with everyone you meet.

    I knew this would be helpful for me but always wondered why do I need to use feeling messages with everyone. The feeling messages to me are like “making a connection” I don’t know if I trust everyone I meet to “make any kind of connection” with them.

    Here comes the “duh” LOL. The feeling messages are for me to learn how to speak from my heart all the time. That’s why I need to practice on everyone, because if I get in a anxious situation or confrontational situation, or whatever situation with someone whose connected with me and feeling messages aren’t my nature then I don’t use them.

    DUH DUH DUH LOL Thank you Rori.

    Sunday, 18 January 2009 @ 4:07pm

  16. 16: ErinNo Gravatar says:

    Ann,
    Thank you so much for you post about “duh”…I felt the same way about not trusting others so why would I use the feeling words. I am still in baby land with all of this so it was so insightful to hear how it really was for you.

    –I began using the feeling conversations with my brand new husband just a couple of months ago. I actually am in contact with an amazing lady (and friend of Rori’s) named Dominique…you may have read her posts here. But with Rori’s and “Tinique’s” advice, I have already come leaps and bounds. My main problem is has been jealousy issues in the past.
    I have worked on quite a few things but I am interested in how well the feeling messages work — long distance. My husband left this week for Iraq (USAF) and won’t be back for approx 5-6 months.
    I would like to continue working on getting him to trust me again because that is the real issue. From the outside, it looks as if I don’t trust him but the truth is …any kind of distrust is all about what you feel about yourself. Distrust melts away once you love yourself. I had an epiphany about this just last night. I am a big believer in self accountability but have blamed him for sneakiness, hiding things, and many other things he was “doing” that MADE me feel this distrust. Funny enough, I also believe that the more you find something wrong in someone else, you need to look at you because their misstep will only trigger you if you have some of it in you.
    So, that is a long way of saying…mistrust is my hiding place. If I don’t trust him…I don’t have to get close to him. If I don’t get really close to him…I don’t have to experience intimacy…and if I don’t experience intimacy…oh yay…I get to keep this false sense of safety that has supposedly got me through the last 4 years of my life being a divorced single mom.
    Anyway, that is a semi-long shortened version of what I feel.
    I am enjoying commenting here. So many great insights. It is inspiring. I am a new relationship life coach and have felt that this path is because of my career but mainly because we all have it in us to be extraordinary. I can feel it. Can’t quite get to it yet…but I can feel it.

    Sunday, 18 January 2009 @ 4:34pm

  17. 17: AnnNo Gravatar says:

    Erin, thank you for responding to me. About trust-I don’t think I’ve ever formally put this out in the blog altho, some have guessed it. I am a sexual abuse survivor so I’ve worked long and hard to learn to trust. To me trust is a number 1 priority but if I don’t trust someone then they’re not getting close enough to hurt me. I feel like I’m rambling. I feel like there is something I can learn from you. But I feel confusion too because I feel like I’m one of the most trustworthy individuals anyone could ever meet because I put such a high value on trust.

    But at the same time I know that what I have a problem with in another is a part of myself. For ex. I have a close family member who has a MAJOR issue with control. They think people are trying to control them. I’ve had major arguements with this person because they said I was controlling. Through my own healing journey I’ve come to realize I do have some control issues but I can also see the other person does too even tho they won’t admit it.

    I hope I made sense lol I like to hear more about how you work Rori’s tools, your LOA experiences and your beliefs.

    Sunday, 18 January 2009 @ 4:59pm

  18. 18: AnnNo Gravatar says:

    Hit send to soon. I also wanted to say. I’m sorry your hubby is so far away. sending him safe return home thoughts.

    Sunday, 18 January 2009 @ 5:01pm

  19. 19: kateNo Gravatar says:

    it feels just great to act as if i am the woman who has everything. thank you so much rori!!! i have just begun to practice your tools and it feels so good to see how they work,baby step by baby step. thank you again!!! i’ve never been comfortable in my own skin in the past,so i am working on that and it feels just good,even though there is a lot of work to do.

    bebe-i’m on the same page with you about what you said about your daughter. i lacked confidence and self-esteem as a child,too. and still do… but i know my little newborn daughter won’t have to go through this like me.

    sorry if my english isn’t so well,i live in germany and do not always know how to express what i want to say :)

    Sunday, 18 January 2009 @ 5:06pm

  20. 20: ErinNo Gravatar says:

    Ann,
    First of all, what a brave woman you are in the first place to have come through a terrible thing like you did and still be open to learning more about trust. Wow…I am already inspired by you girl.
    I always feel like I am rambling too on this. lol…sorry to all the other readers…so much to say and hard to get it out in words.
    Trust is such an interesting thing. It almost feels as if it is a choice…and maybe the truth is that there really aren’t “trustworthy” people. We are all flawed…we can’t all be 100% all of the time. Trustworthy is almost in the eye of the beholder. It is saying..”Okay, you won’t hurt me” But each of our hurt looks and feels so different. It is almost like it is about what we can handle…how much we trust ourselves to be “okay” if this said “trustworthy” person hurts us. Once we get to a place of peace within ourselves (I am still not even close…but working on it) than it wouldn’t matter who we CHOSE to trust, because if they hurt us, we would just end up on top anyway. We chose it…and we could let it go as well.
    I feel that way with my husband. He is the absolute love of my life. We connect in a way that I firmly believe no one will ever understand. However, I believe I attracted him (LOA) because he is a very private person. AND I created a world that I am trying to work myself out of now of mistrust. The only reason we got to a semi-good place before he left was because of the “feeling” conversations that I absolutely FORCED myself to have. It was so hard being that strong and vulnerable. I am such a huge advocate of the “Have The Relationship You Want” book. I am about to order the Toxic Man one too. I really feel that he isn’t a toxic man but I do think he has some toxic traits…as maybe do I?
    Anyway, I am just philosophizing here…I am just delving into this. I haven’t been brave enough to even talk about the trust thing very much because I always felt that if I talk about it…I might find out something I don’t want to know.
    And thank you for the well wishes about him being gone. It is rough but I feel like this deployment is a gift for me. A chance to heal my pain, love myself again, learn so much more, and get me to a place where I can trust my instincts again.

    Sunday, 18 January 2009 @ 5:10pm

  21. 21: AnnNo Gravatar says:

    Erin, thanks I feel honored that a life coach is having this conversation with me. I’m reading and re-reading your post.

    I also feel that we choose whom we trust and how much. But I feel I’m not quite grasping what you mean by there “really aren’t any trustworthy people”.

    Are you saying trust is based on persepection? For ex: If I had a friend who trusted me and my judgement, who was having relationship trouble. *Disclaimer here this hasn’t happened lol* If I recommended Rori’s programs, my friend buys them all, read them, we discuss the ways to use the tools. But for whatever reason she just can’t grasp it, so she doesn’t trust my judgement anymore. Which could lead to arguements and things said.

    OK to me I feel I’m still trustworthy in that situation. My intent was good and to help my friend. But now she doesn’t trust my judgement. So it was just a matter of perseption?

    Now it’s up to me to feel my way through it…to realize I made a choice for what I felt was the right reason…to continue my healing journey…to not give up.

    I feel like I’m practicing an opening up tool big time here. Anyone who knows about this blog can read this…Breathe…Breathe…it’s ok,

    Sunday, 18 January 2009 @ 5:42pm

  22. 22: ReshiNo Gravatar says:

    So, Acting As If is friggin fabulous. I was at a party last night and met a rather handsome fellow–who happened to look just like my ex from behind. Then saw him being super affectionate all over his girlfriend. :( Well, I could have been super mopey about this but instead I imagined, rather vividly, that an even handsomer man was doing all the same stuff to me. That felt amazing.

    Sunday, 18 January 2009 @ 5:44pm

  23. 23: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    i felt verey interested in the trust conversation. for me, i feel i can trust my own sense of what i like and what i don’t. i can trust myself to draw boundaries and say something when something happens that doesn’t feel good. i can trust that NO MATTER WHAT mistakes i make i will be okay. i will bounce back. i will find my way. i will find a new inspiration, a new love, a new whatever. i trust that when i die i still exist so i can not lose everything ever.

    as far as people go, i agree that trust is a matter of perception mixed with what you value. some people i can not trust they will show up on time, do what they say they were going to do etc. but i can trust they are doing their best and would never intentionally hurt me. i can sort of roll with unintentional hurt (regardless the slight) far more easily than someon purposefully trying to push my buttons. i have a hard time trusting intentionally stupid people.

    i feel interested in my new situation with my ex showing up out of the blue. it feels like a slowly unfolding game of guess who you’ll end up with alais girl. this one? or how about this one? maybe i will decide to keep them all. that’s how i feel right now. bc none of them are in life partner shape. they would nee to go to a life partner gym and build those muscles and learn those moves until they are naturally habitually strong as a llife partner to a godess.

    i am doing my godess pull ups. the can do their zues situps or whatever is the correct mythical figure that would date a godess.

    Sunday, 18 January 2009 @ 6:55pm

  24. 24: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    i feel challenged by this exercise of rori’s. it seems i can do well mentally makinf affirmations. i can monitor my thoughts and the words that come out of my mouth. but actually getting revved up about my ideals is slighlty challenging. i feel like i am flatlining. no sure why. it feels like resistance in my body.i also feel anger. it is strange. i am trying to do it right now and yes wicked anger comes up and i want to punch something. i think it is a protective device somehow. i feel sahkey in my shoulders and my tummy. i feel quivering lip and blurry eyes from welled tears.it is possiblwhat i feel it is great joy of receiving what i want after a lifetime of struggle. i feel like i just made a little baby step of progress with this. good yum. that was good and felt satisfying.

    Sunday, 18 January 2009 @ 7:04pm

  25. 25: AnnNo Gravatar says:

    Alias Girl trust makes for a very interesting conversation doesn’t? I feel you’ll do what is best for YOU in the situation with your ex.

    I wanted to send you a “high 5″ for the baby step you just took. I feel like there are amazing ladies on this blog. I’m very thankful we were brought together in this journey.

    Sunday, 18 January 2009 @ 7:31pm

  26. 26: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    thanks for that high five ann! i also feel very grateful for the wonderful godesses on this wonderful blog of the fabulous godess rori raye.

    so i am thinking. riffing is an excellent way to process overwhleming or sometimes ick kind of feelings and then turn them around and channel them into energy.

    and with this post i am thinking we can also do a riff of the imagination on acting AS IF in regards to visualizing what we desire. for example.

    my visualization may be having this reconnection with my ex be a positive thing whether it turn out to be a friendship or dating or a relationship. i can feel how happy that makes me. i feel uplifted in my soul that it brings tears to my eyes. i visualize us laughing and our knowing looks of understanding that pass back and forth between us. and that feels like a warm fir in a fireplace. a comfortable safe place to be. i feel more tears. i feel holding back in my neck and chin. i can visualize us holding hands nd nice hugs and that feels like love and depth. that feels like an acceptance in my vagina. i feel embarrassed saying that. i feel easier breathing. i feel safe and strong and strong as steel and powerful as superman. i can visualize respect for our differences and growing in wisdom bc of them. that feels like all my energy just sprinted into my brain. i can visualize leaning back and being an ultra feminine goddess and having him mesmerized by my sireney ways. :) hehe. that feels like a party at the beach jumping around and having fun and bright colors and great food and sunshine and fun fun fun. that feels like every cell in my body just woke up and wants a party at the beach!!!

    so maybe there are two ways to riff. what do you think?

    Monday, 19 January 2009 @ 12:24am

  27. 27: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    hmmm though in visualizing perhaps it may be better to substitute just a general someone/ my ideal man prototype or ideal friend or just an ideal human connection and remove my ex. bc i can no control his behavior or intentions so best to just visualize without specific people. in my opinion.

    Monday, 19 January 2009 @ 12:26am

  28. 28: AnnNo Gravatar says:

    Alias Girl, I feel excited for you. That sounded like a pretty fantastic riff. I even felt giddy and it wasn’t my riff lol.

    I feel I agree with you completely on this opinion you posted:

    “hmmm though in visualizing perhaps it may be better to substitute just a general someone/ my ideal man prototype or ideal friend or just an ideal human connection and remove my ex. bc i can no control his behavior or intentions so best to just visualize without specific people. “

    Monday, 19 January 2009 @ 2:52am

  29. 29: TracyNo Gravatar says:

    i have been practising rori’s tools and today i realised that whenever i hear something good my ex is doing or that his life is going on well i feel so trigggered…i feel so angry and sad and i feel guilty just saying it.I feel he should suffer for all the pain he’s caused me.i feel he should pay somehow for all he’s done..i feel tired just thinking about it..feels like my eyes heavy my heart weak,my breath slow……………
    i feel so much better letting it all out and i feel happy that i can accept the sadness that comes from remembering my past and trying to move on..it feels reassuring and i feel that there’s hope for me………i love my new goddess nature and i love this new me……….and i feel so happy..
    i feel that something wonderful is going to happen that i am going to meet and fall in love with this new wonderful man and i can start to feel the hapiness and joy that he wil bring the peace of mind that i will experience and the love and affection i will receive..and i can’t wait!

    Monday, 19 January 2009 @ 3:45am

  30. 30: CassandraNo Gravatar says:

    Ann, Erin (WELCOME!) and AG…..I so related to your posts about trust. For me trust is a HUGE HUGE Deal and I am sure I am not the only one as your posts remind me. Erin…I too am sorry that your husband is so far away. This will give you time though to work on you and that will make your marriage even stronger. Ann…I am so sory about what you went thru. You are so strong and courageous jsut to be here working on those trust issues! YAY for you!! I too have HUGE trust issues and for a long time have blamed the men that have lied to me and cheated on me but I also realize that I don’t even trust myself now. After bad relationship after bad relationship and then thinking that Charles was ‘it’ and that we were going to have this happy/ loving life together…forever and then that being all a lie…I feel that I will never be able to trust any man again nor will I ever be able to trust my own judgement again after all of this. I REALLY tried to look at his actions not just the words and I really thought that I was making a good decision and I gave up everything for lies and now am stuck and my life is on hold becuase of his lies and deciet. I am more afraid of trusting my own judgement now than ever and am afriad that if we don’t make it together that I will shut myself down totally from anyone being in my life for fear that I would be making another bad decision. What do you do then? How do you get out of that box? When things are good with C, I ofetn get into the ‘As if’s’ and they are wonderful but then he does something that breaks me down or hurts me so badly and I get back into the fear thing…..asking..can this really be ok? Can we really make it. I know that this about so much more than my relationship but this is why so often lately I feel that I am not relationship or even marriage material but if I can’t trust myself then what do you do?

    Monday, 19 January 2009 @ 2:44pm

  31. 31: AnnNo Gravatar says:

    Cassandra Hugs. I feel like we all hold each others hands here as we try to work the tools, sometimes struggling from day to day. I feel emotionally drained right now look here for the why

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/bethanys-story/telling-the-truth-is-scary-and-fantastic-too/#comment-4051

    Monday, 19 January 2009 @ 6:03pm

  32. 32: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ann wow! That was amazing and so honest. You are so brave! I could feel the EARTH SHAKING reading your post.

    To quote Rori… You have all the hope in the world!

    PS – I just remembered that at one point in the Power Self Esteem series there is a post on turning Yourself on … anywhere and everywhere…. perhaps you can try that? I’ve been trying it and I am going to try it some more now that I remembered it.

    Monday, 19 January 2009 @ 6:14pm

  33. 33: AnnNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, Thanks for responding. I feel heard. At the moment I’m just kind of quiet in my spirit. I’ll look for that post later thanks so much.

    Monday, 19 January 2009 @ 6:26pm

  34. 34: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Erin & others – once again WOWed by your amazing comments and the synchronicity for me (things are just jet-winging for me at the moment)… YEAH right spot on, I have that experience of my man as secretive etc and I’ve recently become more brave and risked telling my feelings (even the conflicting feelings) in simple messages.

    So now I feel amazing, I have SO MANY feelings, I feel my life expanding and moving forward… and I experience HIM differently. He’s telling me much more, being more open. It would be a long long comment if I went into it all, but to sort of sum up, I felt scared and brave and it turned out we shared similar fears of losing each other. And I was hiding so much of myself, so was he. I wasn’t doing as many things or seeing as many friends, especially male friends, but now I feel SAFER and he does too.

    Gosh, there’s so much more… I’m also a therapist, and an abuse survivor (physical, sexual and emotional). This is the best therapy I’ve ever had. We are Wounded Healers, and it spills out into the world onto my clients, your clients and all the friends and loved ones in our world.

    Wow!!

    Monday, 19 January 2009 @ 6:46pm

  35. 35: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    :) a smiley face just to sort my rss feed lol!

    Monday, 19 January 2009 @ 6:49pm

  36. 36: AnnNo Gravatar says:

    Heartbeat WOW I feel a knot in my stomach from reading your post pacifically the last paragraph. I’m not a therapist except my own, but I have experience all 3 forms of the abuse you named. Gracious I still feel cold and I don’t think it’s all in the weather.

    Monday, 19 January 2009 @ 6:53pm

  37. 37: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Oh gosh … Ann… Hi! i’ve been reading your comments, want to respond soon and catching up after the weekend. Thank you for responding to mine!

    I mean that last paragraph positively, as we heal ourselves we heal others too. I’ve long known the theory but not had the tools in my own relationships, in that moment-to-moment connection. I feel a profound connection with clients – and now even more so as I go deeper and deeper into healing myself. Suddenly everything is moving!

    Wierd and wonderful things happen – not just goddesses on here with similar stories but also a client will come in with the exact same issue I’m working on. It’s a well-known phenomenon.

    It’s early hours of the morning now here, so I’ll say goodnight to all you amazing goddesses, sirens and gurus (and not forgetting fairies too!)
    :) XXXXX

    Monday, 19 January 2009 @ 7:09pm

  38. 38: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Trust – It’s not so much about trusting others as trusting yourself, in all ways. This is where it all begins. The rest will fall into place.
    Trust = Love Love= Trust

    (Hey Erin, It feels good having you here.)
    tinque

    Monday, 19 January 2009 @ 7:16pm

  39. 39: CookieNo Gravatar says:

    Hey ladies,

    so i did lean forward and call my guy about the money, he called me back. I said I feel annoyed that I have to call you about this bill. he asked why i didn’t call him during the week, i said it didn’t want to have to and that I wanted to trust that you would handle this. he wanted me to come to get it, i said no, i don’t feel comfortable doing that, we could meet.he said i was feeling angry with me for not wanting to spend time and I said well i feel things too, i feel…(and then I labeled a few feelings I was having) It became a conversation about us. I said I was feeling unsafe and not knowing why maybe i am triggered from the past, but that i didn’t want to feel this way. I told him that I don’t want to be a girlfriend anymore, that I wanted the whole life, the husband the kids. I told him that I don’t want to be separate anymore. I want to live with my man and share our lives together. He said that I could move in with him at his mom’s. I said no, I don’t want to live there, I feel judged there and I don’t want to have everyone in my personal life. He said that he wasn’t ready to move. I said okay. He said then why did you bring all this stuff up, I said because I wanted you to be clear as to where I am at right now. He asked me out on a movie date, I said that would be nice.
    So I’m thinking I did okay on the feeling messages and don’t wants, maybe i did a little too much explaining. But i’m okay with that. Anyway, when it was time to go, he tried to weasle out the date, I said no, and we went. He was not as attentive as I wanted him to be but I found a way to not judge him and be happy with myself in that moment by imagining that I could at any moment choose not to be with him. ON the line, he was staring out the window and I stared at his back and imagined waving to him as he was walking off my bridge and it was okay, I felt bad a little but not like all my dreams were dead. So we were in the movie and playing the dance of leaning forward and back, being close, being separate, I was also okay with that.
    Anyway enough of the details so I feel like I made some baby steps in here, that i’m proud of. Even when we were having sex, I said this feels good, he asked why, I said cause it feels good being in your arms. I never said that before so it was cool, I enjoyed the feelings my body was having as he kissed me and not thinking about the things he wasn’t doing.
    I found myself talking a little too much at some points and listening at level 1(you know commenting too many times) but I’m working on that. I also find myself very quick to give up my life when things are going good or okay for us. This year I promised myself I would realize my goals for me, so Rori’s walking the dog blog hit the nail on the head. I realized that I always doing that like when we are having hard times, I would focus on myself but then when we are ok, I focus more on him and the relationship, he even said that which i heard as profound bc i didn’t know it was that obvious. But I don’t want to do that this time, I want to focus on me all the time in any relationship.
    Today i broke off a few plans for the day that I had with myself but I really wanted to rest and be in his company so he said what happened to your plans, I said I wanted to spend a little more time with you today instead. Then as I prepared to leave, I said I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to be out there in the cold. He begrudgingly offered to pay for a cab and I said yes i would like to have a cab. He then started acting mad saying all this money spending was going to stop. I said now I’m feeling guilty because I feel the comments are being directed to me. He said they weren’t and I said thank you then. On my way out, he just sat there staring at the tv, I just stood there and waited, then I say I’m feeling awkward standing here waiting for a kiss and a hug. He got up and squeezed me. And I left.
    I feel good, I feel better than when we weren’t speaking at all, I don’t feel happy when our relationship is like that. I still want to circular date and focus on me, I don’t want to feel wrong about meeting more people. I’m feeling like we are just really good friends and that not being his wife will not be the end of the world.

    Monday, 19 January 2009 @ 8:17pm

  40. 40: ErinNo Gravatar says:

    Tinique,
    It feels good to have you say that…because you totally rock! I have been reading these for a while…wasn’t brave enough to post till now.

    I really believe that trust=love and especially love=trust. I have noticed a vast difference in my jealous thoughts since I started some new affirmations and really started meaning them (scary but try them in a mirror :)

    I started a real journey recently and I believe with all that is in me that it will change everything.

    hugs! E

    Monday, 19 January 2009 @ 8:59pm

  41. 41: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Cookie wow. That was GREAT! You again just blow me away of how confidently you relate and use Rori’s tools. I mean it took me a really long time to be able to say… I’m feeling awkward standing here waiting for a kiss and ahug, and youjust did it on your first try! And gave him what sounds like a totatly not blaming speech! Plus did not take his crap about spending money and got a cab! wow! That is just freakin awesome.

    Monday, 19 January 2009 @ 11:37pm

  42. 42: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Well done Cookie! That was amazing! I second what Daria says, it’s taken me an age to get where you seem to have got in a short time.

    I feel thrilled in the ‘as if’ zone. I’d been doing that for a while, following the law of attraction, but it felt good to be reminded, especially in the deep of winter when things can seem grey for me. Woohoo!!

    Tuesday, 20 January 2009 @ 12:44am

  43. 43: TracyNo Gravatar says:

    well done cookie thats so inspiring………..i also have that problem of always interjecting and listening at level 1 but i am working on it now…..not just for the guy i like but on everyone coz i feel that most of the time i don’t listen to what others are saying but to what i think i should be putting across………….bravo cookie!

    Tuesday, 20 January 2009 @ 6:07am

  44. 44: cookieNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks ladies for confirming that I am doing some things correctly. I can honestly say that I felt better using my feelings and speaking them than I ever did just sitting clammed up or letting my mind guide me through a myriad of ‘what ifs’ and ‘how comes’ and ‘why you didn’ts’. I think I’m a far ways for where I want to be but baby steps, right?!

    Tuesday, 20 January 2009 @ 7:42am

  45. 45: Maria XNo Gravatar says:

    Well so now it’s been 5 weeks since my man doesn’t call me…In the meantime while circular dating met this wonderful guy who treats me like a queen and is into me, but I’m not into him…he’s also 9 years older but is pretty beat-up looking and has horrible bad breath…He says he can’t live without me and I know soon he’ll be popping the question as he has hinted…wants me all to himself though have not been doing my regular circular dating as he wants me to stay at his place all the time…I feel so yucky, and feel resentment for my man which I’m sure he’s got somebody else! hhrrrrrrrr! I feel like I just want to crawl under a rock…this new guy is very romantic and is a good man, but I’m still in Love w/my man…I don’t know what to do anymore…I feel so confused, and scared…This new guy has no money per say but everything he has he shares with me…Should I settle for someone nice or try the find the whole package or perhaps wait for my man to come around? Somebody help!!! thnx…

    Tuesday, 20 January 2009 @ 10:35am

  46. 46: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    maria x, how do you FEEL about settling for bad breath guy? (although to be fair that problem is fixable and you might actually fall for him)

    or how do you FEEL about waiting around for a guy that you suspect currently has someone on the side?

    I’m not sure you need to make a concrete decision but if you follow your feelings you will probably make choices moment to moment that feel good for you. (unless you are a masochist and there is nothing wrong with that. but if we are following our feelings and making choices we are either making the choices that make us FEEL good. or the ones that make us FEEL bad.)

    plus rori recommends circular dating until you arrive where you want to be in your dreams of relationship.

    xoxo

    Tuesday, 20 January 2009 @ 10:06pm

  47. 47: cookieNo Gravatar says:

    I agree as I think the purpose of rori’s tools are to not on settle for anything stinky guys or exes that won’t call. U probably should continue to circular date although there is a post here where rori talks about a situation very similar to yours n how to have that talk about hygeine. I remember when I was taking a break from my guy n allowing myself to see other people it seemed like every guy was horrific in one way or another which basically threw me back into my guys arms. Rori also has a post on here

    Thursday, 22 January 2009 @ 6:25am

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