Comments on: He’ll Feel Safe To Open Up With You When YOU Feel Safe With You http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/hell-feel-safe-to-open-up-with-you-when-you-feel-safe-with-you/ Marriage & Relationship Advice From Rori Raye Mon, 15 Mar 2010 05:36:52 +0000 hourly 1 By: susan http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/hell-feel-safe-to-open-up-with-you-when-you-feel-safe-with-you/comment-page-1/#comment-11159 susan Tue, 16 Jun 2009 22:18:04 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=144#comment-11159 Hi Rori, I feel that the immaturity shows up because he seems to have an idealized view of what relationships should be about i.e. "fun" all the time, should require "no work or effort". I don't know whether he'll stick by me if something bad should happen... I am not in a relationship because I want security or support against potential difficult times, but I do want to be able to trust that he is not going to walk out. I don't know how to communicate with him when he is like this, because I want to respect/acknowledge both his feelings and my own... any advice? Hi Rori,
I feel that the immaturity shows up because he seems to have an idealized view of what relationships should be about i.e. “fun” all the time, should require “no work or effort”. I don’t know whether he’ll stick by me if something bad should happen… I am not in a relationship because I want security or support against potential difficult times, but I do want to be able to trust that he is not going to walk out. I don’t know how to communicate with him when he is like this, because I want to respect/acknowledge both his feelings and my own… any advice?

]]> By: Pooja http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/hell-feel-safe-to-open-up-with-you-when-you-feel-safe-with-you/comment-page-1/#comment-11129 Pooja Tue, 16 Jun 2009 18:09:38 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=144#comment-11129 That's very true, Rori.. thanks so much for your advice. I am doing circular dating more now, after reading what you had said about it. It totally makes sense. It's just SO hard to stop caring about him! lol But I am trying and I've met a few nice guys so far... we'll see what happens with all of this. =) That’s very true, Rori.. thanks so much for your advice. I am doing circular dating more now, after reading what you had said about it. It totally makes sense. It’s just SO hard to stop caring about him! lol But I am trying and I’ve met a few nice guys so far… we’ll see what happens with all of this. =)

]]> By: Rori Raye http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/hell-feel-safe-to-open-up-with-you-when-you-feel-safe-with-you/comment-page-1/#comment-11128 Rori Raye Tue, 16 Jun 2009 18:04:06 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=144#comment-11128 Susan, depends how that "immaturity" shows up, and how it affects you. Let us know more...Rori Susan, depends how that “immaturity” shows up, and how it affects you. Let us know more…Rori

]]> By: susan http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/hell-feel-safe-to-open-up-with-you-when-you-feel-safe-with-you/comment-page-1/#comment-11084 susan Mon, 15 Jun 2009 20:30:13 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=144#comment-11084 What can one do about a man who is wonderful in many respects, but who shows signs of emotional immaturity? What can one do about a man who is wonderful in many respects, but who shows signs of emotional immaturity?

]]> By: Rori Raye http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/hell-feel-safe-to-open-up-with-you-when-you-feel-safe-with-you/comment-page-1/#comment-10584 Rori Raye Mon, 08 Jun 2009 22:27:04 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=144#comment-10584 Pooja, Welcome - and here's my take. It is absolutely impossible to 'come off" as NOT desperate, clingy, needy girl when you CARE so much about what happens here. Your whole 'vibe" will give you away. You are way too excited about going to his city, way to excited about him. Again - Circular Dating is my prescription - let's talk about how we can get your focus off of him, and get you to be open to men who live NEAR you (while he's figuring his stuff out). Love, Rori Pooja, Welcome – and here’s my take. It is absolutely impossible to ‘come off” as NOT desperate, clingy, needy girl when you CARE so much about what happens here. Your whole ‘vibe” will give you away. You are way too excited about going to his city, way to excited about him. Again – Circular Dating is my prescription – let’s talk about how we can get your focus off of him, and get you to be open to men who live NEAR you (while he’s figuring his stuff out). Love, Rori

]]> By: Pooja http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/hell-feel-safe-to-open-up-with-you-when-you-feel-safe-with-you/comment-page-1/#comment-10554 Pooja Mon, 08 Jun 2009 18:49:54 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=144#comment-10554 That's a great question, Susan. I also kind of was in that role with my ex. I ended up being a counsellor to him but his issues never got better =P I sense that the current guy I like is a little hesitant to get into a relationship with me (or anyone??) because of some hurt he experienced in the past. He's also not very comfortable in expressing his feelings. If he lets anything out he quickly changes the subject. Now he gave me the BS speech about "not being ready to settle down". He said maybe it's not in his nature or something... I realise now (after reading Rori's articles) that this was because I had come on a little too strong too soon (I had been pushing him to meet me and I think he saw that as me trying to define the relationship before he was ready). I'm now trying to fix that but I'm not sure how since we're not even in the same city. It's proving to be more difficult... good news is, I'll be visiting his city on 20th so at least I can practise some of this then (and shortly after that I would be moving there.. not for him, just because my family lives there). But until then, i just really don't know what to do to make him feel safe to be with me (without being like a counsellor/friend/mom) and to let him know I'm not some desperate, clingy, needy girl. Any advice?? I'd really appreciate it. Thanks! That’s a great question, Susan. I also kind of was in that role with my ex. I ended up being a counsellor to him but his issues never got better =P I sense that the current guy I like is a little hesitant to get into a relationship with me (or anyone??) because of some hurt he experienced in the past. He’s also not very comfortable in expressing his feelings. If he lets anything out he quickly changes the subject. Now he gave me the BS speech about “not being ready to settle down”. He said maybe it’s not in his nature or something… I realise now (after reading Rori’s articles) that this was because I had come on a little too strong too soon (I had been pushing him to meet me and I think he saw that as me trying to define the relationship before he was ready). I’m now trying to fix that but I’m not sure how since we’re not even in the same city. It’s proving to be more difficult… good news is, I’ll be visiting his city on 20th so at least I can practise some of this then (and shortly after that I would be moving there.. not for him, just because my family lives there). But until then, i just really don’t know what to do to make him feel safe to be with me (without being like a counsellor/friend/mom) and to let him know I’m not some desperate, clingy, needy girl. Any advice?? I’d really appreciate it. Thanks!

]]> By: susan http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/hell-feel-safe-to-open-up-with-you-when-you-feel-safe-with-you/comment-page-1/#comment-7238 susan Mon, 23 Mar 2009 08:49:52 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=144#comment-7238 I have a question: how do you make him feel safe with you and open up to you without turning into his mom? My ex and I talked a lot about everything, and I believed that he would talk to me about anything and everything on his mind. However, I struggled between being supportive and not wanting to turn into his mom/friend/counsellor. Clearly, I didn't get things right as we are no longer together.. I have a question: how do you make him feel safe with you and open up to you without turning into his mom?

My ex and I talked a lot about everything, and I believed that he would talk to me about anything and everything on his mind. However, I struggled between being supportive and not wanting to turn into his mom/friend/counsellor. Clearly, I didn’t get things right as we are no longer together..

]]> By: Sarah http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/hell-feel-safe-to-open-up-with-you-when-you-feel-safe-with-you/comment-page-1/#comment-1119 Sarah Thu, 13 Nov 2008 12:54:18 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=144#comment-1119 Is this because guys have built in "dont like spending a lot of time/effort on the girl im seeing" function. So they like women who are busy with themselves so that they dont need to do so much work and have more space? Is this because guys have built in “dont like spending a lot of time/effort on the girl im seeing” function. So they like women who are busy with themselves so that they dont need to do so much work and have more space?

]]> By: Cassandra http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/hell-feel-safe-to-open-up-with-you-when-you-feel-safe-with-you/comment-page-1/#comment-531 Cassandra Fri, 24 Oct 2008 19:02:32 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=144#comment-531 First of all....Rori....You are a blessing bigger than any words could express....secondly to all of the other strong women on this blog you are all an inspriation. Thank you. My situation is this....I moved from a very comfortable life in another state and city nearly a year ago to marry my boyfriend. We were going to go to the justice of the peace so we did not require alot of big, fancy plans. 1 month after I got here he announced (with no discussion whatsoever) that we would not be getting married in the timeframe that we had discussed but that he could not tell me exactly when we would marry - only that he does love me and will marry me...someday. (Oh and that we would not be having children once we do get married) I gave up everything for this man yet now am in a city where I know absolutely NO ONE and have no where to go. He has become someone that I don't even know. He does what he wants, when he wants, how he wants with NO REGARD for me or my feelings and is the most selfish man that I have ever met (A Narcissist perhaps??). In addition, I was layed off of my job the end of July and have not been able to find another job. I am living in 'our home' but he is gone Monday through Friday, working - he is an over the road truck driver. When he does come home on the weekends he is 'out with the guys' and does not include me in any of them. I decided last week that I am indeed done but my question is this - while I do still love him - I no longer respect him but I have no where else to go until I can get a job and get back out there on my own. What now?? My entire life is on hold because of all of this. I am so sorry that this is so long but any help that you can offer would be so greatly appreciated as I can feel myself falling deeper and deeper into a black hole of depression. I am also terrified of being back out there on my own - alone even though I am totally alone now. First of all….Rori….You are a blessing bigger than any words could express….secondly to all of the other strong women on this blog you are all an inspriation. Thank you.

My situation is this….I moved from a very comfortable life in another state and city nearly a year ago to marry my boyfriend. We were going to go to the justice of the peace so we did not require alot of big, fancy plans. 1 month after I got here he announced (with no discussion whatsoever) that we would not be getting married in the timeframe that we had discussed but that he could not tell me exactly when we would marry – only that he does love me and will marry me…someday. (Oh and that we would not be having children once we do get married) I gave up everything for this man yet now am in a city where I know absolutely NO ONE and have no where to go. He has become someone that I don’t even know. He does what he wants, when he wants, how he wants with NO REGARD for me or my feelings and is the most selfish man that I have ever met (A Narcissist perhaps??). In addition, I was layed off of my job the end of July and have not been able to find another job. I am living in ‘our home’ but he is gone Monday through Friday, working – he is an over the road truck driver. When he does come home on the weekends he is ‘out with the guys’ and does not include me in any of them. I decided last week that I am indeed done but my question is this – while I do still love him – I no longer respect him but I have no where else to go until I can get a job and get back out there on my own. What now?? My entire life is on hold because of all of this. I am so sorry that this is so long but any help that you can offer would be so greatly appreciated as I can feel myself falling deeper and deeper into a black hole of depression. I am also terrified of being back out there on my own – alone even though I am totally alone now.

]]> By: Christine http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/hell-feel-safe-to-open-up-with-you-when-you-feel-safe-with-you/comment-page-1/#comment-502 Christine Thu, 23 Oct 2008 07:37:59 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=144#comment-502 Just wanted to share an experience I had last week. My husband and I were having an argument. I did compose myself at some points and use feeling messages, but he didn't want to talk to me, kept moving. I was so in masculine energy demanding he talk and give me answers - I see that looking back and am learning from it. On the positive side though, when he said he didn't want to work on our marriage anymore because it would never change and instead of turning into the begging for absolution, grasping, needy person I usually am when faced with the prospect of being alone I said I wanted to be clear on what he was saying because if that is so then I don't want to be here. There was silence because I really felt I would be okay leaving and he felt it. He reconsidered, and we talked briefly about starting fresh. And then I just let myself feel the mix of happiness of being loved, sadness over the distance there was between us, and sudden tiredness from holding it all in - tears just streaming down my face and completely open. All of a sudden he sat straight up and made a space for me, I just sat next to him, and he wrapped his arms around me and held me tight. I said I hate feeling so far away from you, it's feels horrible. I looked up and he had tears in his eyes too. That is powerful. And Rori, I'm sure if I had a better grip on your tools we could have skipped the argument part and gone straight to the feeling. But that's okay, it's process. Just wanted to share an experience I had last week. My husband and I were having an argument. I did compose myself at some points and use feeling messages, but he didn’t want to talk to me, kept moving. I was so in masculine energy demanding he talk and give me answers – I see that looking back and am learning from it. On the positive side though, when he said he didn’t want to work on our marriage anymore because it would never change and instead of turning into the begging for absolution, grasping, needy person I usually am when faced with the prospect of being alone I said I wanted to be clear on what he was saying because if that is so then I don’t want to be here. There was silence because I really felt I would be okay leaving and he felt it. He reconsidered, and we talked briefly about starting fresh. And then I just let myself feel the mix of happiness of being loved, sadness over the distance there was between us, and sudden tiredness from holding it all in – tears just streaming down my face and completely open. All of a sudden he sat straight up and made a space for me, I just sat next to him, and he wrapped his arms around me and held me tight. I said I hate feeling so far away from you, it’s feels horrible. I looked up and he had tears in his eyes too. That is powerful. And Rori, I’m sure if I had a better grip on your tools we could have skipped the argument part and gone straight to the feeling. But that’s okay, it’s process.

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