Have you ever felt so helpless over a “friendship” your man has with a woman that you can’t control your jealousy? Where the urge to STOP him is so strong it’s all you can think about?
Christine is in this situation, and she left a question for me as a comment — I thought it was so universal and powerful a question I wanted to put it in a post so everyone could read it and my answer:
I can’t begin to tell you how much I hate myself right now! I am jealous and insecure over my fiance’s friend from work. She is going through a nasty divorce and just lost her dad to cancer recently. My fiance is trying to be her friend (as he says) because he’s been through what she is going through, he had a nasty divorce and lost his grandpa to cancer last year.
He says that he still loves me and wants myself and his co-worker to be friends eventually. But how do I get past this jealousy that I feel since they have a connection that I don’t have? This feeling caused me to accuse him of cheating on me (something he has never done) because family and friends have told me that because he is trying to be friends with her and is pulling away from me is trying to tell me that he wants to end it by cheating.
Please help me I don’t want to lose him! He is the only man that has ever loved me for me, I don’t want to throw away 3 years of a normally great relationship up to now. Christine.”
***Here’s my answer:
Whoa, Christine – okay–get OFF the train you’re on.
Just step off the jealousy train. Step OFF.
Now get on another train. This train is LOVE FOR CHRISTINE!! I want you to hug yourself and love yourself SO hard you feel safe in your own arms.
Now– this is an emotional thing he has with this woman. If you try to step into it — you will LOSE.
Instead – you must build your self-confidence – double it – triple it…and get REALLY BUSY. This means activities, classes, FUN THINGS! I want you SMILING ALL THE time.
AND – I want you VULNERABLE. You’re going to have to out-girl this other woman, and you can’t do it by creating some drama for yourself. You’re going to have to do it with Feeling Messages – and they’re going to have to be happy, positive, passionate ones.
Come up with some ideas…post them here – everyone – please help with ideas (and I’ll write a new post around this) to be vulnerable in a happy way instead of a negative way. Complaining here will do you in. You cannot see her as a competitor. You’re going to have to BEAT this jealousy thing and prevail over your man’s heart in a different way — and that way is marked “GIRL”!!
I also want you to flirt your ass off out there when he’s not with you – this is Circular Dating within a relationship. We’ll all help, and the Targeting Mr. Right category here will give you some basics…Love, Rori
***Now that I’ve had time to digest the question and my answer — I KNOW it’s easy for me and you to tell Christine to shift gears lightening fast.
Many, many men have female friends they don’t want to lose — friends YOU will have to become friends with or at least tolerate HIM being friends with. This means lunches, dinners…all kinds of things he might not want to give up.
Most men would get that this isn’t going to work when they’re in a romantic, serious relationship. Most men get that women are jealous and will not tolerate another woman around their man.
And yet, there are plenty of men who don’t know this, don’t care to know this, and if they did know it (when you tell them) — they will accuse you of being insecure, jealous, and having low self-esteem.
And some men just don’t want to be told what to do.
Here’s my take — we’re all different, and some of us can handle a bunch of other women in our man’s life, and most of us can’t. Or at least — don’t WANT to.
And, you know — that’s enough to say NO to a man. Some things are dealbreakers.
If it’s one for you (as it was for me when I got serious with my husband) — you have to catch it early, you have to share with him that this won’t work for you and is a dealbreaker, and then simply not invest yourself in this man.
Marriage is supposed to be great. It’s supposed to be best friends and passion — and it’s supposed to be a team.
Asking a man to give up his friends is not a good thing. A man will just sort of naturally dial back on the friendships with other women. Aand know this — if he was interested in her, she would be more than a friend.
An old girlfriend is not a threat to you except in these two ways —
>>She’s a “backup” for you, emotionally. When things go wrong in your relationship, instead of working on things with you, he can go to her. And…
>>She takes up emotional room.
And none of that feels good.
A “new” woman friend is something that can happen through work and sports and hobbies — and would be totally unacceptable. At least for me.
If this woman “needs” him – she’s “outgirling” Christine and allowing him to use his masculine energy with her and feel very manly about it. Because her situation seems more legitimate for needing him, she is vulnerable rather than demanding. Cancer and loss beats jealousy and insecurity.
Christine’s jealousy — the way she’s expressing it, is working against her.
And she’s in an impossible situation. The more she worries about his connection with this woman, the more she feeds it.
If she would focus her energy on herself, instead, and ramp up the attraction between her and her man instead of obsessing, thinking about him all the time and essentially dialing DOWN the attraction — he would likely move further away from from this other woman and closer to Christine.