If You Chase Him – Do You “Blow” It?

It’s not the asking, the inviting, the doing…it’s about where that’s coming from inside you that attracts or repels a man.

And if you are a woman who instinctively wants to reach out, ask, invite, do – then chances are your entire “vibe” is about chasing a man down.

Chasing is the total opposite of warmth and openness.

If you have such a huge heart that you’re able to give and receive in full measure, and never shut down when love of any kind shows up, and are blissfully happy with a lifelong relationship – then you don’t need my help, and you don’t have to even consider if what you’re doing and thinking and saying looks like chasing.

But if you’re not having the success in love you want – chances are what you’re doing, thinking and saying is not working for you.

Chances are you shut yourself down around receiving love, and instead feel compelled to reach out to a man. And this marks your “vibe” as chasing.

So – in answering this question – keep in mind that it’s not WHAT you do or say at any given moment – it’s where what you’re doing and saying is coming from…and all of my Rori Raye Tools are designed to help you reformat your vibe.

Most often – this means staying away from anything that looks or feels like “chasing” – at least until you can clearly see and experience the patterns of how you feel and what your results with men are when you do, think and say certain things.

Here’s a letter from Rose about “chasing”:

“Rori,

You mentioned that if you chase a man, that would “blow it”. Are you saying that no matter how well suited you might be to him and how much affection he says he has, the second you chase, it’s all lost?

I hear stories all the time and am told that countless women make mistakes in relationships, but ultimately if the man is right they get through it. Aren’t we all to some degree afraid and therefore, prone to making mistakes and if every mistake drove a man away, surely we would all be single. Or are some mistakes worse than others?

Thanks.
***

Here’s my answer:

Rose – here’s the deal…working with me is not about “strategy” or  “mistakes.”

You HAVE to make mistakes as you’re shifting and changing…otherwise there’s no process to work with…!

It’s all about shifting your “vibe” so that you ATTRACT your Mr. Right and many, many other great men all at the same time.

If your “vibe” is that of a woman who “chases” – you lower your pool of men to men who WANT you to chase them – which means they’re going to be very feminine in nature and standoffish and not make you happy. You keep to your old patterns.

And here’s the big question – Why would you chase?

And the only answer is: You don’t believe, deep down that what you want will show up for you.

You believe you have to “work” for it…and that’s not the truth.

So – I want you to experiment with how chasing and not chasing – how you feel – compels you to act – and how those things you do affect how you feel.

While you’re practicing with men – their response is not important in any way except to HELP you, to guide you to undoing old patterns and experimenting with new things and shifting your vibe to what will work SO much better for you in the long run.

Individually calling a man, or inviting him somewhere, or winking at him on match.com is not the issue here….these things can work fine – it’s the ENERGY, the INTENTION – your EMOTIONS and vibe behind your DOING it that’s the KEY here.

We’re working on being “Rock Star Free Spirits” here – so that you can do Anything – as you say…

Love, Rori

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614 Comments to “If You Chase Him – Do You “Blow” It?”

  1. 1: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Hhhmmmmm….. thanks Rori. That makes me feel better. My nature is to nurture, and it felt really bad to think, I wouldn’t be able to cook for a man again, unless I was engaged :) I love to cook, I make candy for a side business, and it’s written all over my profile… so to not offer, at least give them a sample of my candy, seemed inauthentic. So, I just need to figure out how to do it in a non-chasing manner, and that will come from my vibe.

    With the last guy I dated, he wouldn’t ever let me pay, which is a first in a REALLY long time, so I said.. well, then I’ll just make you dinner sometime. He loved it, never cooked for himself, and was sooo complimentary of my cooking, made me want to do it again. In 2 months, it was only 3 times, so I thought that was ok. The relationship didn’t last, but it scared me to think that because I was nice to him, that came across as chasing.

    I know I still need to find a balance, when I meet someone I like, it’s hard for me to not get excited and start doodling our names together. It’s just rare I meet someone I feel could even be a potential match. I know I still have a lot of work to do, but this article makes me realize that I don’t have to change who I am, just how I come across. :) THANK YOU!

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 8:00am

  2. 2: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Rori. Chasing I guess is a difficult thing for us to stop.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 8:05am

  3. 3: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    For me “And the only answer is: You don’t believe, deep down that what you want will show up for you.

    You believe you have to “work” for it…and that’s not the truth” this is a profound truth that I am working on.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 8:09am

  4. 4: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson,

    Yes, our situations feel different in a sense that you really liked your guy and I was more in the mood – we have a lot in common, I like the way he lives his life (as much as I know of it), he’s smart, worldly, etc. so he may get me if he really tries. Will he be the love of my life? No.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 8:17am

  5. 5: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:

    I use to “cook for men” all the time. I don’t ever do it now. Rarely, and only if he brings the “bacon home” to me to cook. And then, it is still iffy. I might just say thanks for the groceries.

    I find that it does depend on the circumstances, but in general, overall, men need to take us out or cook for us. When I do the “giving” it is a turn off for them. They are the providers and it is coded in their DNA. After marriage then its a bit different of course, but while the courting and mating phase is going on, I don’t do this.

    It has improved my relationships with men tremendously. Doormat to Diva basically. Social training to be all, do all for the men and worship at the alter of him is backwards and damaging to both male and female alike.

    When a guy feel like he has “nothing to work for” he feels like he is not needed. When a guy can’t provide for you he feels less than a man.
    It’s humiliating for him. This all comes straight from the men I know who have been honest with me.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 8:17am

  6. 6: femenergyloveNo Gravatar says:

    my whole vibe feels off.have not heard from guy in a week,i know he is sroting things out.but i decided to call.his phone was off.which i feel good it was.but i’m feeling needy and wanting and abandoned by EVERYONE.went out into the sun today by myself….sat for 3 hours enjoying it,then wanted company.none of my friends was answering their phones.i felt so lonely and alone.theni called him.his phone was off.now i’ve come back home,to get into bed and cry …get through and feel this abandonment and stop feeling so bad.
    we had a great weekend last weekend,when he left he hugged me real close ad kissed me goodbye.hours before his phone had been ringing constantly.it was his ex girlfriend.he did not pick up.when we parted it was on a good note,but i left him alone this week,giving him space to sort out whatever is going on.i’m feeling calm and strong inside.but i crumbled today and i feel bad about it,and was beating myself up about it.
    do i really believe what i want will come?not right now i think.if i really did then why did i call?

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 8:18am

  7. 7: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    #3 FW I still fall into the idea that I have to work for it. Because my Dad was indifferent about me for a long time until I helped him with his business when it was having some major issues and he was managing it all on his own. After that, he was so much nicer to me. This was in my early 20s.

    I think that set the tone for how I interact with my relationships.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 8:20am

  8. 8: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    Well, here I am seeing the same guy past the normal point of one of us disappearing. So what did I do different this time?

    I think the biggest difference that the tools seem to help so much with is changing your inner beliefs from the voice that asks, “what’s wrong with me?” to a new voice that is confident of “what’s right with me?” When you really start to know who you are and can feel it, your vibe changes in such a big way. You can still be insecure and have moments of anxiety and self doubt, but there’s less time spent looking for flaws and thinking you need to FIX you.

    It’s definitely all about the energy underlying it.

    Great post. Thank you, Rori.

    hugs,
    Summerbaby

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 8:21am

  9. 9: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    #4 Alonka

    Sounds good. I hope that you two can become friends and enrich each others lives in some way…

    and he’s free therapy as Rori says! ;-)

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 8:22am

  10. 10: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I like this article because there are things that I do that I don’t realize are chasing actions.

    I want to lean baaaack……..and visualize what it is that is right for me in a relationship and it will come to me.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 8:24am

  11. 11: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Summerbaby, I like the phrase “what’s right with me?”
    It is so *positive*…..thank you.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 8:25am

  12. 12: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    FW,

    If I may ask why you did not feel that you can enrich a man’s life? Was it about physical or emotional attraction? If you feel that you’d rather be quiet about it and not discuss or you can manage on your own please ignore the question ;)

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 8:27am

  13. 13: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Afterthought. The men in my life over the years who absolutely adored me and wanted me for theirs were guys who “did for me”. I rarely did anything for them. Our society trains us that it is selfish, but I am telling you girls, this has been the truth of my experience. I had five proposals in a year once and each man was taking me out, spending money on me and catering to me. I did nothing but show up and smile.

    I am in a thing with a man now, who I have done nothing at all (but be open and warm and loving) and he lives 1000 miles away.
    He has come up to visit three times in the last
    five months, asked for my hand in marriage,
    and is making plans to move to my town with the next few months.

    He just bought me a quite expensive gift that I would never have gotten for myself.
    It’s not because I cooked for him or rubbed his back or did anything at all. It is because I allowed him to be a man and do for me and give to me and all I did was stay open and in receiving mode, smile and say thank you so much I really appreciate what you did for me you sweet man. Men want to lead, give, and provide for you. They want soft on the outside women. They want a woman to “do for” and “be for”. It gives them purpose and they feel needed and appreciated. It is a gift we give to them and it’s effortless on our part when we finally get it.

    Those that don’t are girls and not worthy of our time. Just my humble opinion.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 8:28am

  14. 14: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:

    #8 Summerbaby

    I had a date with a guy a couple years ago and I will never forget his words.

    He was talking about the gal he broke up with after three years.

    He said: “She was a great gal, she just didn’t know that”.

    Wow! He was saying there was NOTHING wrong with her. And there is nothing wrong with you or me. We are fine. We just need to live that and have that vibe or being authentic shine through. You are right-it’s the vibe!

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 8:33am

  15. 15: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson,

    Thank you! My plan is to do it in another week, who knows how I feel then! lol

    Hope you dream comes true! And you won’t have to work for it;) I have to say that I know examples of couples where women had to work on it and didn’t have to and it very individual.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 8:34am

  16. 16: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Turtle Girl,

    Would you say that your guy is a kind who would say buy an expensive gift for a woman in general if a relationship is going well or this is something that he never did before?

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 8:41am

  17. 17: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    #15 Alonka
    Thank you for your encouragement.

    Have a great day Alonka and all sirens out there!

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 8:45am

  18. 18: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Alonka, I posted to you on the last thread about not calling him. Just my opinion, but based on experience, the friend thing doesn’t last.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 8:47am

  19. 19: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Emerson and Turtlegirl.

    Our culture and training teaches us to be less than. Don’t get too big for your britches. Who do you think you are? Don’t be conceited. Her nose is up in the air…

    We diminish ourselves because we don’t want people to think we are stuck up snobs. In the process, we forget how wonderful we really are. As women, we end up looking for men to make us feel wonderful and I think this ruins our vibe further. We diminish ourselves and encourage them (unconsciously, of course) to help us diminish ourselves further.

    We would all feel better if we continued to focus on what’s right with us. We are perfect just the way we are. We have more love to give when we feel more love for ourselves.

    Summerbaby

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 8:48am

  20. 20: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 7 Emerson thanks for that. I had done some reflection this week around my dad. When he was coughing up stuff I froze, saw and felt myself froze. My sister in law jumped in immediately and was a natural at picking up the slack. I have been depended upon by him to pick up some financial slack but I have some reservations about my competence going on in my head. I was also the leader in my family around academical achievement and I felt I got that designation from my father though I am not the first child. I appreciate what you say here and have looked at how I can improve my relationship with my father while he is still on the planet. I came to that realization in the hospital this week and that it will impact my relationships with men. It has me feeling soft maybe vulnerable and in some places weak but I am working through it.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 8:54am

  21. 21: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Alonka I think we have some disconnect. There is one guy I felt that way with because he was more successful than I am. It is not something I have really ever focussed on. However, I now believe that focussing on enriching someone’s else life especially a man’s is coming from a needy place. I focus on enriching my own life and if a man wants to come on for the ride it is his gain. I like the Turtle Girl concept in 13 above and that is what I am trying to embrace. I don’t know about enriching anyone’s life. Only they know what they need to enrich their own lives.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:02am

  22. 22: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Alonka I have to add that I cannot focus on enriching someone else’s life because I feel I would look for things to do for him to convince him that I am right for his life. That would add up to chasing him. As I said that is for me and how I feel, knowing me.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:05am

  23. 23: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    My date last night was very nice. He BBQ’d ahi and salmon, we sat outside and talked for a long time. He didn’t try anything, he gave me a few hugs and quick kisses during the evening but that is about it. He talked about doing something on Sunday and perhaps me going with him to watch him play softball in the future. He sent me home with some leftovers on a really nice plate so I guess that means he has to get it back somehow :) The only thing I didn’t like was he talked about sports alot!

    It was interesting because he also talked about women that he and his friend met on Match and were in relationships in…it really sounded like the women were taking the masculine roles. It was interesting to hear a male point of view.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:35am

  24. 24: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    CCarter’s words
    For most men, it’s easy to go from a meaningful and committed relationship to one that’s casual and purely physical.

    But, it is almost impossible to go from the “friends-with-benefits” situation to a deep, fulfilling, intimate and lasting situation.

    I know this first hand, both from my own love life and from talking to lots of men and women I’ve known in my life.

    So… rarely do I give rules, but here’s an absolute RULE when it comes to men –

    DON’T EVER try and start things with a man at a casual and purely physical level if you EVER want the option for something more meaningful or long- term.

    Men don’t work this way, like it or not.

    And don’t try to get a man BACK with physical attraction and sex either.

    It’s a dead end street.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:37am

  25. 25: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    The Feminine Power call on the East Coast has started.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:39am

  26. 26: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    1. KNOW YOURSELF AND WHAT YOU’RE AFTER

    You said, “I have made the mistake of admitting to a friend that I have feelings for him.”

    It’s NOT a mistake to share your feelings with a man.

    It IS a mistake to share your feelings with a man 1) too early and 2) in a negative context.

    You set yourself up for failure by choosing and “tolerating” a situation that just doesn’t work for you. That situation is being “ok” with a purely physical situation when in fact you need – and want – more.

    When you’re OK with the way things are one minute, but then are looking and asking for something more and saying you’re not happy with the way things are NOW, you’ve INSTANTLY become the kill-joy and antagonist in the relationship.

    One minute you’re blissfully happy in his embrace and then a day or two later you’re sulking and awkward because you just blurted out what you feel or what you want, and you’ve taken him by surprise.

    All because of a “talk” you wanted to have with him.

    Yeah, I’m riding you a bit hard here, but it’s for your own good.

    Instead of being open with yourself about what YOU are truly after, you pursued this “friends with benefits” strategy to get things moving.

    That’s why you’re freaking out.

    You thought you could handle it.

    You thought you’d get something out of it.

    And for a minute, it was fun.

    But then your feelings snuck up on you.

    Eventually you were reminded of what you’re really after with a man and what you value.

    Right now you have two pictures in your mind: One picture is of this “casual” thing going on. And the other one is what you actually want.

    The two pictures are so radically different and far apart from each other, that it’s no wonder you’re acting “insane.”

    Your expectations are COMPLETELY out of line for what you’re ACTUALLY doing with this guy.

    It’s time to stop creating situations in your life that you KNOW won’t make you happy or comfortable in the long run – even if they feel good in the moment.

    2. FIND YOUR PERSONAL STANDARDS & REQUIREMENTS… AND THEN STICK TO THEM

    Starting things with a man in this “casual sex” way, is a SUREFIRE way to ruin your odds of creating something more meaningful in the future.

    I’m a guy.

    I know.

    But, more importantly, getting into a “casual” situation with a man you might want to date more seriously and exclusively, has a VERY HIGH potential to make you FEEL AWFUL.

    So…

    Unless you’re one out of a hundred thousand women that gets “swept off her feet” by an open, caring, great communicator, who makes moving into a committed relationship effortless… then you’re going to have to start asking yourself some real questions about what you really want from your love life.

    And once you have the answers, actually be honest about them from the start.

    Here’s an important question to ask yourself:

    “WHAT ARE MY NEEDS?”

    And I do mean YOUR needs. Not his. Not what you’re accepting or tolerating or hoping to get from a man just because there’s nothing better around right now.

    Be clear here and think it through.

    I’ll give you a minute…

    Most of the women I know who are dating have a set of subconscious requirements from the men they’re seeing. That they be honest. That they be exclusive. That it’s going somewhere, and it’s not just going to be casual dating forever.

    But these aren’t things they are willing or able to communicate directly with the man they’re seeing.

    So, they end up in a situation that is anything but what they were looking for.

    They say, “This is fine for now. I’m just enjoying myself.”

    They are not being honest with themselves about their bottom-line “must-haves” and therefore can’t express these things to the man, either.

    From my experience, here are a few of these “must haves” that women often aren’t honest about at the start:

    – That any man they’re involved with, in any way, isn’t dating or still involved with another woman

    – That he’s open and ready to explore a serious relationship once they get to know each other

    – That they share the same values and priorities – or he can at least appreciate and support her values

    So, how in touch are you with your REQUIREMENTS to feel good when it comes to men and dating? And how do you communicate these to a man?

    Do you do it indirectly by acting frustrated and angry when your needs aren’t being met, after you’ve already become intimate and emotionally vested in the relationship?

    Or do you do it directly and in a positive context as things are GETTING STARTED, so you’re in sync from the get-go?

    Remember, 99% of the time, a man is NOT going to make the right decisions for you, or magically and telepathically recognize and meet all your needs.

    Sticking to a set of minimum standards and then communicating those helps show a man what it’s going to take to make you happy.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:42am

  27. 27: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    I have totally gotten this down. If there aren’t any dudes to chase, I don’t have to worry about it. ;-)

    The well has dried up. HotGentleMan fell off the face of the earth as did the other five. One is still sniffing around but they all wanted ME to contact THEM and I refused. Damn it, if they want to see me, THEY need to make an effort to do so. I refuse to chase them.

    Even the one who is still sniffing around will send me a text saying, “I haven’t heard from you, are you still interested in meeting?” DUDE! I have yet to hear you ASK me for a date. I don’t want to play this game they often seem to play~ “You didn’t call me so I thought you weren’t interested” when in actuality, I have indicated interest more than they probably even realize.

    I am the GIRL, I am not the MAN.

    Ugh.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:43am

  28. 28: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    3. RADICALLY REJECT BEHAVIOR THAT DOESN’T MEET YOUR STANDARDS

    I observed something FASCINATING about people and relationships a few years back.

    When we’re in a situation that causes bad feelings and friction of some kind, there is always some kind of “payoff” for one or the other person…and that’s why they persist in sticking with the bad situation.

    Here’s what you’re getting out of the “casual” thing…

    You get a safe and risk free path to get close to this guy. Even though technically you’re not “close” at all.

    I call this “working it from the ‘friend zone'”.

    After all, how vulnerable would you be if you shared what you REALLY were looking for up front, BEFORE you slept with him?

    You might be disappointed or rejected, or you would be unable to continue the “friendship” that you have right now.

    And maybe having to start over alone might actually be worse in your mind than having something crappy and low-quality that you’re “tolerating” now.

    But if you look deeper, you’ll probably see that your desire for something more was there all along underneath the surface. Therefore, I doubt that you could have been “just friends” with him anyway, even if you never slept together, without you feeling gypped in some way.

    That’s why you have to show a man that you’re strong and you know what you want, and you won’t settle for scraps or second-best or “good enough for now.”

    My favorite way of thinking about how to do this, is to be like a “velvet hammer.”

    Be strong and assertive, but warm and gentle at the same time.

    Say, “I really like you. Probably too much to be JUST friends. This is why I’m not sure we should continue this situation unless you feel the same way.”

    If you can say this in a way that doesn’t include BLAME or guilt or pressure from you, the response a man will give will be MAGICAL.

    He’ll open up and meet you at the level of honesty and respect you’re coming at him with.

    And as tough and as “bitchy” or self-centered doing this might sound right now, this is exactly what you need to say to a man if you really want something more with him.

    And doing this, and only this, can get you out of your “friends with benefits” situation and into a great relationship.

    Trying anything else is almost sure to end up in a series of misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

    But you might be thinking – WHY does this kind of language work with a man?

    Because it sends a strong SUBCONSCIOUS signal to a man that the woman is in CONTROL of her life and her world.

    There’s nothing that triggers more intense “long-term” attraction in a healthy and mature man, than a woman who he CAN’T control and doesn’t get thrown off-center when her needs aren’t met.

    Using the “velvet hammer” also has another AMAZING benefit that women don’t often recognize… or they don’t even see as a benefit at first.

    It WEEDS OUT the guys who DO need to go away because they’re never going to get their act together in the first place, or just don’t want to.

    You don’t want to be stuck in a dead-end situation that’s just going to make you feel WORSE than you felt before you met him, do you? Of course not.

    And sure, sometimes a guy will hear that and disappear for a while. But the best part is, if he’s one of the “good guys” you want to be with for the long-term, he’ll come back around.

    And when he does, he’ll have done all the leg work to be a better, more conscious partner. The kind of partner you could have never molded yourself through any amount of fixing or convincing.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:45am

  29. 29: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Here is a video I feel deeply inspired by this morning..

    Woman….by Scorpions…the video is amazing…it does an amazing job emphasizing a woman’s power over the mind of a man…hmm…:)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKqxB5w4ukg

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:45am

  30. 30: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    4. DISCOVER AND USE WHAT CREATES DEEPER ATTRACTION AND CONNECTION WITH MEN

    Ever hear of “approval-seeking” behavior?

    It’s when we try to do and say things simply to get a positive reaction or judgment about ourselves from someone else.

    Well, it’s a HUGE MISTAKE to make with a man early on.

    Your need for your guy’s APPROVAL is your worst enemy right now.

    To him, what you’re doing is actually the complete OPPOSITE OF ATTRACTIVE.

    I’ll give you an example…

    Have you ever seen what it looks like when a man is shamelessly seeking the approval of a woman?

    As he’s just getting to know her and he sees that she hasn’t completely made up her mind to want to be with him, what does he do?

    He buys her gifts.

    He calls her all the time.

    He offers to do favors and errands for her.

    All these are attempts to prove to her that he’s good enough to be with her or to get her attention. This is also known as the “really nice guy” approach.

    Women just never seem to quite “feel it” for the super nice guy. Not because of the gifts and flowers and favors, anyway.

    A guy can already be attractive AND do nice things. Agreed?… But doing nice things doesn’t MAKE a man more attractive.

    Instead of feeling attracted to a guy you weren’t too “into” at first, you start losing respect for him when he goes overboard and tries too hard with the calls, favors and gifts.

    You lose respect because you know you can CONTROL him.

    This isn’t conscious, either. It’s just how you feel, and feelings are pretty powerful forces.

    Ever stop to think that the same thing might work in reverse between a woman’s behavior and a man’s? That a man may feel like he can “control” you if you’re running around trying to please him or do favors for him or be “nice” to him in order to get him to want you?

    Interesting…

    For men, approval-seeking behavior KILLS the spark that comes from the uncertainty of not knowing exactly how the women he’s with is going to think and act.

    If he can predict what you’re going to do and feels like he “has” you in the palm of his hand, what is he going to wonder about when it comes to you?

    And what if you start acting predictably NEGATIVE?

    Think about it…

    It’s a “natural tension” and challenge of not having CONTROL and uncertainty that creates strong ATTRACTION in men.

    HERE’S WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT

    What most women ask in situations when a man isn’t responding the way they want him to is…

    “WHY is he acting this way and how do I make sense of it and “fix” it?”

    Well, you can’t “fix” a man. And I really feel for you if you’re one of those women who are trying.

    But, you CAN change a situation and the FEELINGS that a man is having for you. You can change how he experiences you.

    The toughest and most important thing to understand is that men’s behavior and thinking in these situations isn’t at all LOGICAL.

    In other words, how a man reacts doesn’t make ANY “sense” and doesn’t follow any rhyme or reason.

    So, of course, it baffles and frustrates women when they run it through their own “sense- making filters.”

    Let me ask you a question…

    If you were an attractive man, would you want to find a woman that you had to TEACH how to make you attracted and feel good… or would you want a woman who just “got it” on her own… “naturally” and everything flowed?

    Duh. (there’s that scientific word again)

    You’d want the woman who already “got it.”

    So, more likely than a conspiracy against women, men just naturally respond to women who GET IT, and DON’T respond to women who DON’T.

    OK, let’s talk about these concepts a little bit more.

    Attraction, and wanting to be with a woman, is about a man perceiving that he and a woman are “naturally compatible” because his emotional and physical sparks fly when he’s around her.

    NOTE: I did NOT use the word “logical” here.

    Attraction and wanting to be with a woman long term is NOT the result of a man meeting a woman and then thinking to himself:

    “Let’s see…she’s got a good job, works hard, is pretty cute, and is a really good person… Hmmm, I think that we have some natural attraction going on here.”

    WRONG.

    For a man, attraction and the desire to be with a woman, and stay with her, is either THERE or it ISN’T.

    There are no two ways about it.

    Fortunately for you I’ve put together and entire program just about attraction: how it works for a man, how to trigger it, what to avoid doing so you don’t accidentally “kill” it.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:47am

  31. 31: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    Summerbaby~

    I adore you. Thank you for checking in on me.

    I am still down in the soup so to speak, but my son is home with me this weekend and that feels so good.

    I have to admit, I am struggling with his growing up. This summer, he is getting a job working with a cable crew, working alot of hours and making some excellent money. By the end of the summer, he will have made approximately 18 grand.. Of course, he is driven by this for obvious teenage boy reasons…Car. Laptop.. new TV… etc etc etc

    It makes me weep and has been for a while. I encourge him, I WANT him to be independent and self-sufficient and have been raising him to be this way since birth practically, and I couldn’t be prouder of the man he is becoming. BUT, I didn’t think it would hurt so much to let go.

    Damn tears.

    So, this sadness just adds to everything else that feels off right now.

    Keep sending those hugs, girl. I need them.

    ~Lil

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:48am

  32. 32: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    Regarding27:

    I am not bashing men here, I am just venting. I am frustrated.

    Truth is, I Looovvvvveeee Men.

    ~Lil

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:53am

  33. 33: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    lilybelle

    I believe that herein “I have indicated interest more than they probably even realize” lies your answer.
    Maybe for future tweak the way you say it, so they can “hear” you? How can you create clarity for them, maybe?

    “I am the GIRL, I am not the MAN” I feel your passion here and am wondering if you have said this exact thing to any one of them. Maybe respond to one of the texts with this same line.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:53am

  34. 34: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 32 Does not come across as you bashing them, for me it sounds like you are trying to understand your process.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:55am

  35. 35: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    13: Turtle Girl~
    I love this sentance right here:

    “thank you so much I really appreciate what you did for me you sweet man.”

    ~Lil

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:58am

  36. 36: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Since learning about Rori’s tools back in October of last year, I feel as if I am getting myself back…my sense of self that is…

    Not chasing a man…is the biggest gift I can give to myself…and that feels like a chain being removed from my ankles…

    Not chasing a man…is extra time I give to myself…and that feels like taking care of myself, being kind to myself…

    Not chasing a man…is powerful…and that feels like I am “all that”…self-assured the right man is there for me when I am ready…

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:00am

  37. 37: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    DE says “Not chasing a man is the gift I give myself”. That feels good and I am trying to identify the different ways that I have chased in the past.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:02am

  38. 38: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    Lilybelle,

    my email is summerbabychica@yahoo.com if you’d like to continue this discussion outside the blog. I feel your pain with your son, I am just a tad further along than that as mine both fledged the nest at the same exact time.

    I thought I’d be stronger, too. lol

    when one says are you still interested, text back, it’s difficult to accept a date when one hasn’t been asked yet. ;-)

    Be sure to include the winky face.

    If he doesn’t get that one, he needs an anvil to fall on him ala warner bros cartoon style.

    hugs,
    summerbaby

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:04am

  39. 39: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    FW,

    Are you a very literal woman? Take everything someone says to mean exactly that? You seem to really focus on specific words someone says, even after they’ve explained what they mean by it. I don’t think Alonka is saying they could enrich each others’ lives as in going totally out of her way, or over comensating, trying too hard… etc. I think she is saying she met someone who she admired, they had similar interests and other interests that they both expressed wanting to learn more about something the other knew about. I don’t think she should contact him now, because that is leaning forward, but I do think it’s possible, even necessary in life when making new friends, to be able to give and receive in a healthy way, whether they are men or women. I know I get off balance, give more than I receive, way more in fact, so that is something I really need to work on. Even with some of my friends, I have “given until it hurt” to get very little back in return. I’ve had to end friendships that were very draining on me, for my own well being. IT was still extremely sad, but necessary.

    You don’t talk much about yourself, mostly you post excellent and pertinent information by different coaches. Sometimes I wonder how you find it so quickly. :) You must have it organized very well :) I didn’t realize you even had children, or were divorced. I’d love to hear your story. Would be nice to know where you are coming from :)

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:06am

  40. 40: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    turquoise3 Sorry if I triggered you but yes others indicate that I tend to be technical in that way. Both here and in my real life. I try to do that here because I have men in my life who I notice tend to focus on individual words to explain how I might be wrong or how I understand things. It is more than one guy I have noticed doing that and think it might be a thing that guys do. I just wanted to point it out here so it could get in people’s consciousness to see in real life if they notice that too. I am glad you picked up on it because I have not been convinced that we have paid attention to that. Remember how EMK said that we nickpick on things he said and tried to elaborate on specific things. That I think is an example.

    But yes I feel guys focus on specific words because they understand it differently than us and I believe that is somewhat of an indication of the differences between men and women communication. Now that you have started this conversation I am hoping others look at it also. Thanks.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:19am

  41. 41: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I have actually inspirsed my history in comments I have made in the past.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:20am

  42. 42: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Wow…i’ve been catching up on the blog since i left yesterday afternoon (all emotional) and the feeling of the blog is beautiful!! :) sirens uplifting each other…i felt so good reading through all the posts…

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:20am

  43. 43: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    The place I come from is to share as much information as possible to help who might be interested. I receive many free enewsletters from different coaches as well as recorded interviews. Please ignore if you find it does not help you. It might be helpful to others.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:23am

  44. 44: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    38:

    I have a great visual of the anvil dropping.

    Perhaps I need to be more direct when letting a man know that I am interested. Perhaps, HELL YES would work better than Yes, I would enjoy having dinner with you.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:23am

  45. 45: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    @#44 LOL!!!

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:26am

  46. 46: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    33: Funny thing is, the one man who is still sniffing around, who has asked if I am still interested, is one man that I was quite clear about that with. I told him that it doesn’t feel good for me to call a man, after all, I am the girl.

    His response was, good for you, then I shall call as a gentleman should. No call, just texts of insecurity and “you haven’t called” or “I haven’t heard from you.”

    Huh?

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:27am

  47. 47: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    45:

    ;-)

    Seriously, I may have to try that approach, Lily.

    ~Lil

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:28am

  48. 48: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Well lilybelle he obviously heard you so I would guess that he might be a boundary pusher?

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:28am

  49. 49: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    Could very well be and I am not letting him get through them. I refuse to call, initate texts etc. He may just be trying to see what I am made of.

    This is an interesting way to view this and I appreciate the work through on this.

    As always, FW, I appreciate you. You teach me tons!

    ~Lil

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:31am

  50. 50: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    Hello, world.

    Thanks to Darling Ella. May the stroke of midnight April 15 stir desire in the heart of her soul mate life partner and alert him to seek her, find her and claim her forever.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:31am

  51. 51: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    And, FW. I feel very connected to you. You have no idea how much you helped me when I first arrived here.

    Gratitude for you.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:32am

  52. 52: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    42: Jilly?

    Are you okay today?

    ~Lil

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:33am

  53. 53: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    turquoise3 To continue the conversation check out 26 above. To me this man focussed on the specifics of “They say, “This is fine for now. I’m just enjoying myself.” He did not want to hear anything else. I have heard 2 other female coaches suggest revisiting such types of conversations suggesting to apologizing to the guy “I am sorry I might have misled you in some way, we are not on the same page and I need to leave the relationship to go look for what I really want”. One suggests that if you are living with the man, pick a date and move out even if you have to stay with a girlfriend for a while until you find your own apartment. One also suggests that when communicate about getting out of a relationship we should use the words “it is a gut feeling. We are not on the same page”. Her reasoning is that guys will ask why why why to pick apart our logic. She says we should not explain ourselves because most men will not argue with your gut feeling or intuition.

    My point here is to pay attention to how we comminicate and see if we notice guys picking out specific words. It is something I have noticed. Remember Rori also suggests “choose your words” as part of her mantra, I wonder if she has similar experiences why that is included?

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:38am

  54. 54: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 51 lilybelle I am so grateful that I can help. That for me is one of the most rewarding thing about being here.

    There is a guy friend I have who always repeats the words consciousness and awareness to me. 5 years ago when he started saying it for some reason he was more like a fly buzzing around me head. I never heard him. Now that I am here I hear him loud and clear, we discuss it and he keeps coming back and reminding me how he used to tell me years ago and how I could not hear him.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:40am

  55. 55: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    SLV #50

    Wow…I feel tearful :) Thank you…Blessing others with good will is a blessing one gives to him/herself!!! May it all come true!!!

    Lots of love and hugs,

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:42am

  56. 56: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I have seen something to the effect here “dam**mit it hurts me to see you not take your life seriously. I love you”. This is a paraphrase to say that “hell YES” might just work with some, if that is what he wants.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:45am

  57. 57: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    Yes, FW and doesn’t Rori “bless” experiementing and also indicates that you can’t do it wrong?

    Might be worth a try to see what would happen. I am aware that some men really do prefer the most direct approach possible, that way they hear you loud and clear and Hell Yes, is about as loud and clear as a girl can get. lol

    Although, it isn’t the most feminine approach.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:50am

  58. 58: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    jilly great to see you here. Hope you got through all the emotions and are now settled.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:51am

  59. 59: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    lilybelle the last time I saw one of mine he was telling me his phone isn’t ringing anymore. I guess that was his way of asking me to start calling him again. This was several months ago. Sometimes he crosses my mind but I have not called and I have not looked at his facebook. It is a challenge to myself to see if I can really lean back. He has disappeared in the past for months and have come back. I can identify where I flip to the masculine and possibly push him away but yes, practice it is and noticing myself.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:54am

  60. 60: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Rori,

    I have to share this …

    Last nite I had a lovely first date. He seems a very nice man…with exotic background…for my taste…

    Chemistry…i didn’t feel a strong attraction…:( but maybe that’s a good thing…

    Anyhow, towards the end of our dinner he looks at me…smiling…and says…”I am thinking of the word feel that you use…”…

    I looked surprised and said…”Oh, really?”…
    He adds “I mean in a good way…I never had anyone use this word before in a sentence…i don’t know how to describe it hearing it, but it feels…sensual…oh, no not really…i think heartfelt, warm…i like it…i like to hear that a woman feels good to hear from me…” and then he says…”it must be because u are European”…I almost choked…lol

    I responded all smiley…”oh, wow…thank you…it feels good to hear that ;)”

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:57am

  61. 61: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    Fw, and the most basic of truths for me is..

    If he was for me, nothing would stop him from being with me… and that includes when I lean back.

    Not exactly the right wording but it’s the truth in it’s simplest form.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 11:00am

  62. 62: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    turquioise3 I also remember CCarter talking about “sacrificing” as a strategy women use, as well as the relationship debt. I am not sure if you are one who does not like the way he expresses himself and yes I have to review to see what he said about both but giving until it hurts triggered that memory for me. If I am not mistaken he suggests that is the reason many women lose themselves in the relationship and express that after breaking up. I believe that is one reason Rori teaches about leaning back also so that we don’t get to that place that ends up sometimes causing us to be resentful when in truth and in fact we were not requested to sacrifice anything. I have had more than one guy in the past tell me they wanted nothing and I felt hurt at the time but now I understand more what they meant. So until they ask for something I am not giving and even at times when they ask I say no. Just yesterday one asked me can I get a date with you. I said no but he repeated I am asking anyway and I will continue asking.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 11:02am

  63. 63: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    DE though that was addressed to Rori thanks for sharing that experience. It was heartwarming to read.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 11:05am

  64. 64: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Rereading 39 just now it occured to me that maybe I am bringing that out in the men that I interact with and maybe it is not necessarily the way men are. hhhmm interesting. I would love to hear other people’s experience around that and again turquoise3 thanks for shining a light on one of my patterns. If that is the way guys really are it could be a masculine pattern that I have that pushes guys away or maybe just a pattern that generally does not work in relationships? If so I wonder how I could change that??? hhhhhhmmmmm

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 11:09am

  65. 65: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    FW:

    I feel glad you like it :)

    How is your dad feeling? How are you feeling these days? Not sure if you posted ab it…i didn’t get the chance to catch up on posts..

    Warm hugs,

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 11:12am

  66. 66: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    DE, I love what you wrote about your date picking up on using the word “feel”. I still have such a hard time with that slipping into conversation. I think I made good strides though on my date last night…physically leaning back and looking him in the eyes and thinking “I am the air you need to breathe”. One thing I noticed when I did that – we were standing in his kitchen after dinner talking and when I would think that sentence he would move away from me to a different part of the kitchen sometimes. I wonder what that meant? I”m not going to overanalyze the date, but parts of the date he talked about future plans with me, would come up to me and hug me and other parts of the date he was moving away from me even though I was doing the lean back thing. I guess only time will tell if I end up hearing from him again. But the good thing is this is the first guy that I have totally used all my new found tools from the beginning.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 11:13am

  67. 67: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 65 He is doing much better and out of the hospital. Can you tell by my many comments that I am back to my old self? Thanks for asking.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 11:14am

  68. 68: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Hell yes not feminine? I don’t see it that way.

    I have noticed when I am practicing new boundaries they are tested thoroughly by the universe.

    when I state new boundary men may push me on it, and even a round or several rounds of men may disappear. I may even remain with almost no men for awhile.

    Right now I am working on I don’t want a phone/text buddy. They keep trying to initiate that with me and are getting my answers. I am being tested in that it has come up with men I enjoy talking to, persistent men, even a man I’m in love with. I stated my boundary. This is solidifying and integrating my boundary in the energy of ‘me’ to heal this completely.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 11:14am

  69. 69: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 66 Him picking up on the word feel helps to confirm my suspicion that guys focus on specific words we use. I also see another coach that suggests that the brain is the sexiest organ and to use communication to seduce a man’s mind so he can’t get us out of it. I also believe that when guys tell us that they remember specific things we say years later is an indication that they focus on words that could possibly generate some emotional memory in their cells. What do you think?

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 11:18am

  70. 70: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Daria do you keep repeating your answers or do you ignore the texts after you establish the boundary?

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 11:19am

  71. 71: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    FW:

    I feel glad your dad is out of the hospital..and you are back to your “old” self…:) I try to practice not making assumptions…sometimes when I talk too much…or get involved in many activities is to avoid deeper feelings…

    I feel reassured to hear you are feeling good though :)

    Warm hugs,

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 11:19am

  72. 72: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    “choose your words” – simply put, choosing your words would be about changing your old patterns of maybe blaming, making wrong, using the word “you”, and it’s also about sinking into your body to check in how you feel and nos so much about what you think though obviously there will be thoughts expressed as well.

    I totally agree with Daria that a “hell yes” is totally sireny, goddessy, and feminine if it comes from your heart.

    xxoo

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 11:27am

  73. 73: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    FW: #69:

    I am not so sure it’s the word itself overall…they pick up on the word…but I think is more than that…it’s the energy stimulated by it …

    My understanding is that Rori is encouraging us to use the word feel because opens our hearts/channels of receiving and in turn will inspire a man’s heart (the right man) to connect with us…

    Warm hugs,

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 11:29am

  74. 74: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Femininewoman – hugs to you and smiles that your daddy is doing better.

    xxoo

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 11:30am

  75. 75: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    T-Girl:

    I feel glad you felt inspired by my last nite experience…

    You are right…trying to analyze why he did this or that…is does not help you…I try to stay present as to how I feel in his presence when I do this or that…instead of when he does this or that…

    Baby steps :)

    Warm hugs,

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 11:32am

  76. 76: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    I had to take my girls to softball and will be heading out soon to a housewarming party, and then out with a guy friend from hs who is here visiting from California. He’s married, just a friend. :)

    Not sure if I’ll get a chance to get back on here today or not… but just wanted to say, FW, when I read your response to my post, the first thought that came to mind… was, well, are you trying to focus on your masculine energy if you equate that with men? Are you trying to have a masculine energy on the blog? I think we can all focus on certain words, things we may not be expecting to hear, so they jump out at us. When Todd mentioned my vibe…. it stood out to me. I just meant you seem to take things very literally, and wondered if you leave a little room for interpretation? I do think it’s important to focus on what a man tells us, but also his actions… and sometimes I find I have to read between the lines because they don’t know how to express themselves verbally.

    Sometimes your responses remind me of my ex-husband. I would share a problem, and he’d give me a solution. He’d express what he knew or learned about an issue, as a solution to me. Sometimes it was very helpful, and sometimes I just wanted him to listen, without trying to fix me/it.

    I haven’t been here that long, so I really don’t know your story.

    Off to enjoy the warmer weather :) Will try to get back later.

    DE- LOVE IT! :)

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 11:33am

  77. 77: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Yes Darling Ella, that’s it, yet it is more about us. The open hear and the vulnerability, the realness and authenticity is what inspires a man to feel safe with us and thus open to us.

    xxoo

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 11:33am

  78. 78: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Tinque.

    I have to figure out how raise my vibe while at the same time stop being a literal woman. Maybe I am bringing that out in guys.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 11:34am

  79. 79: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 76 Interesting. Might be a part of my general masculine pattern that I was unconscious of. I am looking to become intimate with myself and to heal patterns that don’t work so this feels good to me.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 11:38am

  80. 80: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Fw – I do both depending on how I feel. Right now I got a ‘hey’ and I don’t want to respond.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 11:38am

  81. 81: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Okay, today I feel like sharing…:) Lol

    This week, I signed up for dancing lessons at the Fred Astaire studio.

    Although financially speaking, I could say this is the craziest thing to do…my heart feels like fire and light…:) I feel it is the best decision I made for myself in a very long time…

    I wanted to be a dancer/entertainer since I was little, but it was considered a “bad” thing in my culture…so, I suppressed it for a very long time that part of me…

    Many people ask me…what is you hobby…i could never say I had one…ever :(…i like many things…but nothing that I felt WOW about it…and now, I finally found my wow…and I am not afraid to explore it :)

    My trainer is Cuban …Hot!!! It makes the dancing lessons even more exciting :)

    It’s time for some action…for me…:)

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 11:46am

  82. 82: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    aaahhh That sounds like Goddess Daria. Would Rock Star Daria respond because she does not give a …….. what he would think about her response?

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 11:47am

  83. 83: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Congrats DE you kind of sound like me. I told my daughter the other day I am going to sign up for one during the summer. You have inspired me.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 11:49am

  84. 84: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque #77:

    Thank you so much for giving me feedback…It feels very reassuring that I am on the right track here :) I often feel unsure…so feedback feels awesome!!!

    Warm hugs,

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 11:51am

  85. 85: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Lilybelle and FW…also Alonka and Camile from the other thread…it feels good to know everyone cares cause i really care about everyone here…ok i’m in a really mushy lovey dovey mood lol

    Dang it i wish i had more time to post but i’ve been getting phone calls all morning and now hotpilot is on his way over :)

    i am feeling better…i definitely have a lot of emotions going on…and i want to process on here but it will have to wait until tomorrow and i want to respond to other posts…DE i really liked your “and that feels like… post” it was beautiful

    lilybelle you are such a siren…even if you don’t feel your own vibe it feels open and authentic and vulnerable to me

    k ill be back soon! :)

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 11:51am

  86. 86: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you FW :)

    Lets aspire to be a Cha Cha Cha Divas :) lol

    Warm hugs,

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 11:55am

  87. 87: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    @DE good for you about the dance lessons! I took one and it is so much fun. I also found on Meetup.com there are also dance meetups at various dance studios where I live. They have lessons for $7 pp where anyone from beginner to advanced can go.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 12:01pm

  88. 88: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    T-Girl:

    Yes, the package I signed up for has unlimited private group parties…and four private lessons iwth a trainer…the studio is in a very nice area..with a great reputation…and i noticed they often go out with the students in other places for exposure…

    So, yes…it’s a great community for me to connect with people with a similar interest…and hopefully, I meet the one here too :) One of my criteria, is that he knows or he is willing to learn to dance with me :)

    Warm hugs,

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 12:06pm

  89. 89: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    Lily T. says: “Hell Yes to Cha Cha Cha Divas! :)

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 12:10pm

  90. 90: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Fw – I don’t respond because it doesn’t feel good to do so. I get a drainy feeling imagining it.

    Ive already shared in the past that I don’t want to text or talk unless it’s about a plan to meet.

    I don’t want to say anything more at this time… I feel bored and want to drop the ‘hey’ out of my airplane.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 12:19pm

  91. 91: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so excited that I don’t Want a phone connection anymore to assuage my feeling lonely, and instead am able to use the time to do stuff for me!

    I feel afraid it’s temporary, but I know it’s going to last even if I step off.

    This is awesome for me.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 12:26pm

  92. 92: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Lilybelle,

    Re#31

    I swear our lives are parallel. My son is only 16, but has a great study/work opportunity in front of him right now to go live with his dad overseas which would result in a really good job for him after he graduates. I have always been prepared that he might want to live with his dad and work in his dad’s country, but now that it’s a possibility that it might happen in the next few months, I didn’t realize how hard it was gonna be to actually let him go one day….

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 12:28pm

  93. 93: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Rori:

    One more thing I wanted to share….

    There is another Siren here (I will let her reveal herself when she is ready) that for the past two months, she and I been using your tools in a duo…:)

    We complement one another…so, when we go out together…it is indeed a blast…:) Men from all sides want our attention…:) Double Siren power!!! Giving each other feedback right the way…feels awesome and it increases our awareness to what we do/say…and how we feel about it…sharing feels good…

    Tonite, we are invited to two parties…I feel greedy as in we are going to both :)

    Warm hugs,

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 12:30pm

  94. 94: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Making myself pretty and girly for my date with HotArmyGuy tonight. That makes 3 dates with him in a week PLUS he came to see me at work last night. Everyone at work loved him and so far all of my friends we’ve run into out have too.

    This one is really impressing me right now. I told him I was taking 2 days off from work at the end of May to take my boys to another city 7 hours away to fly off to their dad’s country for the summer and how emotional that time always is for me. This year it’s even worse, because my oldest is going to make a decison about whether he wants to go live there and study there instead of go to college here in my country. HotArmyGuy actually offered to drive me there and back so that I would not have to drive in an emotional state like that!

    I haven’t seen any red flags or even flaws with him yet except his spelling isn’t great lol. I’m normally a grammar nazi, but if he’s this great in every other area, I think I can deal with the bad spelling and grammar….

    Oh, and did I mention one of the best kissers I’ve EVER kissed in my life? : )

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 12:36pm

  95. 95: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    LD:

    Wow…I feel excited and happy reading your stories :)

    It seems u are also into exotic men :) I feel curious, what country is your ex from ?

    Warm hugs,

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 12:42pm

  96. 96: LDNo Gravatar says:

    DE,

    My ex husband is from Holland and both of my children were born there…

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 12:45pm

  97. 97: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow…thank you for sharing…:) I sure miss Europe :)

    Warm hugs,

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 12:55pm

  98. 98: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    FW – from other thread – it seems like the men you describe who took years to “decide” lean more toward the “player” and/or narcissistic variety. Which makes complete sense – they are accustomed to variety so it’s a very hard choice to settle down. My social circle is comprised of ppl with more “old-fashioned” (?) values – more inclined to follow love and pair-bond – so it takes way less time to decide. In fact, the men are usually sure before the women are.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 12:55pm

  99. 99: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I am dressing up and looking fantabulous and creative and rockstar and amazing

    And my mom just demanded then asked me please not to go out looking like this but I feel sooo amazing and beautiful I love it!

    And I’m still feeling awesome!

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 12:56pm

  100. 100: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Some thoughts about my journey…………
    I found Rori thanks to Christian Carter. What I have found is that they have similiarities and they have differences. I appreciate both because they seem to complement each other and I feel are not threatened by each other though they work in the same industry. Both promote each other’s work, I think. I have interviews from both that they did with each other. In my mind they respect each others work and believe that each opinions and points are valid.

    Putting that in context of the EMK appearance here. I imagine that Rori must have felt he had something to share from his experience and that we here would gain something from his insights. In rejecting his opinions I have a sense that to a certain extent we have rejected Rori’s way in being warm, open and inviting to men. She must have invited him to certain extent because he believes in some way that his opinion or experience is valid.

    I was thinking just now about the song, you are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

    I am wondering if in our response we were telling him you have no right to be here? I feel some of the comments were caustic and have been a bit bothered by it. Though I cannot tell people how to think or express themselves I was a bit bothered by some. In retrospect I feel like we also somehow told Rori her thinking is flawed by inviting his input here. I also remember CCarter’s comments about men and contradiction and women and contradiction. We say we want a strong who takes charge but then when he takes charge we say he is controlling. We he shows strength we say he is overbearing. Until he shows up in a way that we believe he shows up I am wondering if I reject him or try to fix him?

    The first time I show EMK showing up here was to tell me to stop posting his writing here because of something with google. He spoke on behalf of other coaches and I wondered if he was telling the truth and if they asked him to speak on his behalf. SLV said something to clarify something else about him to me and he came back seemingly refuting what she said. I was a bit put off, didn’t say it at the time but internally resolved that I would not even read his enewsletters again or visit his blog. Now I am wondering if I should because of the overwhelming amount of what felt like, go away, to me.

    I felt sad about it. I also feel the response some how voted against Rori. I also have to wonder if it saying that we have decided that a man can only show up in certain package otherwise …………

    In reflecting I also remember a gf who says when she analyzes other people relationships her husband tells her to basically mind her own business because everyone’s relationship is different. That is what works for them and that is what works for them so she cannot advise them about “what should be” or even her girlfriend about how “she should be with her husband”.

    Sorry Sirens I feel sadness about the EMK’s experience here, how he left and can’t seem to shake it. Thanks to those who read this for allowing me to express my feelings.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 12:57pm

  101. 101: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I really think there are huge subculture And personality differences involved in these issues. Which is why I prefer Rori’s more open-minded and flexible approach to a hard-line one-size-fits-all, which just doesn’t fit rhe complexity of the real world.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 12:58pm

  102. 102: QueenbeeNo Gravatar says:

    Lilybelle – Here’s sending some love and hugs! Thinking of you and KNOWING it’s going to get better best! ((((Lilybelle))))

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 1:00pm

  103. 103: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE98 Lucy you might be right but what I have learnt from CCarter’s From Casual to Committed is that men take longer. Both women and men go from Conscious Uncertainty to unconscious certainty, I forget now how exactly he expresses it, but he says we go back and forth and most times women arrive there before men. I heard one of the ladies in SATC say something to that effect the other night. Hopefully Jilly who I believe have indicated that she has the program will confirm this. He says when the women gets to the place of asking where is this going, are you serious about us etc. is an indication that a woman has unconsciously arrived at the place where she wants a serious relationship and most times by then the guy has not even considered or decided what he wants. I don’t know for sure what happens but am committed to paying attention and observing.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 1:02pm

  104. 104: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy in my gut I have disliked the player label. The other one could be related to brain chemical imbalance. I don’t like labels because I don’t want anyone labelling me. I have had guys who tell me that all men are dogs and I will always disagree with them. Some are insecure and some feel like they are failures/losers. I am not committed to helping them get over that by being their therapist but I will not join them in beating up themselves. For me the key is in being intimate with myself and being aware enough to be able to select a great man who is already on his growth path that is looking for a woman who can inspire him. I believe some guys choose certain roles to play in life to protect themselves.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 1:08pm

  105. 105: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    FW 100. I feel a bit puzzled by your conclusions. To me, Evan was treated with the same respect everyone else is. We women on here often disagree, call each other out, help expand each others’ thinking, etc. – most of the time with love and respect. Rori did not expect us to agree w everything Evan said. She knows we can disagree, dialogue, and learn from each other (both ways!). Healthy men are willing and able to do this. Rori even ended her article with, “He will stick to his guns and I will stick

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 1:08pm

  106. 106: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    stick to mine.” (paraphrase)

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 1:09pm

  107. 107: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Not suggesting that we should agree about everything. I did not see all of the comments to him as respectful. Some were, some were sarcastic and some were IMHO rude.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 1:10pm

  108. 108: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    FW:

    That is a beautiful post with wonderful insights…

    “I am wondering if in our response we were telling him you have no right to be here? I feel some of the comments were caustic and have been a bit bothered by it. ”

    I often feel the same way…at times, I riff ab my own frustrations and unhealed part of me with men related…and then, I feel bad…:(

    It feels good to read your post as a reminder of believing goodness in men…is believing goodness in ourselves…something like what Daria is expressing daily :)

    Warm hugs,

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 1:14pm

  109. 109: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    As far as following his lead – THAT is for the man we are in a couples relationship with. We certainly would be unwise to blindly follow every man who told us what to do (male pastors of some mega-churches come to mind). When we select a mate, we select one who we feel Good and Safe following – and I suspect his wife felt that way with him. She is a good match for him. Some of us are Not a good match for him and would not feel good and safe following his lead. We are all different – values, temperaments,

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 1:14pm

  110. 110: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    lifestyles, etc.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 1:15pm

  111. 111: Katarina PhangNo Gravatar says:

    TG, I’m not sure about cooking as a turn off for men though. I love cooking for my man and he loves my cooking. Always compliments me how great a cook I am (and everything else: a great f**k, friend, a wise woman, etc..).

    The key is if you do it because it makes you happy first and foremost, go for it. It’s your love language and it’s well received then everybody is happy.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 1:15pm

  112. 112: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy we all have preferences but as Carol Allen says CCarter’s way is “the will” hers is “the grace”. Also as another has said looking at relationships that don’t work helps us to clarify how they do work and what we do want. Comparing and contrasting is healthy and IMHO is a way to identify what works. Totally closing the door to one for me is choosing a one-size fit all model, which is the reason I read several others and follow Rori’s lead in investigating other coaches work when I receive their interviews that I get from her. For instance in the Interview I got of her I believe from CCarter I felt like she does not particularly like Lauren Frances’ style though she did not directly say so. Her comment was she felt “manhandling” is being disrespectful to men and I know Lauren Frances is the one who speaks about manhandling. I didn’t initially like LF style in the firstr interview I got to the point when I received the second one I almost didn’t listen to it. When I did I was glad because I received some value. All I am saying is that EMK’s perspective is different and in accepting people is again IMHO how we show respect, even though we might be coming from different places.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 1:17pm

  113. 113: QueenbeeNo Gravatar says:

    #79 – Yay! FW. So beautiful, gorgeous, amazing and yummy response. I love you on this blog and also get Camile’s point. I’ve been noticing you opening up like the way a flower opens up when in bloom. Good for you! So yummy!! :)

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 1:17pm

  114. 114: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    If a man only feels welcome here when his every word is taken as gospel – well then, that would require us to walk on eggshells to avoid his drama. Yes, drama. I have walked on eggshells with men (and women) in “authority positions” before in order to head off drama. It is an unhealthy dynamic.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 1:19pm

  115. 115: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks DE. I feel understood and accepted.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 1:19pm

  116. 116: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    I feel a sense of symetry with Lucy today. :) Like she wrote in #98, my social circle has been comprised of people more inclined to pair-bond who didn’t need years to decide. And the men who wanted to marry me were more sure than I was. And I was wise to wait, to decline, as it turned out.

    I also agree with Lucy #101 – I find Rori’s softer lean back flexibility more enjoyable and “doable” than EMK’s ” This is what men want! Deal with it.” approach.

    When I’m happiest with myself is when I attract better men, and Rori’s tools seem more geared toward creating personal happiness opposed to attracting men in general. That was worded awkwardly, I hope other’s understand what I meant.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 1:20pm

  117. 117: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    And, overall, I STILL think Rori and Evan are basically saying the same thing with different words and different selections of scenarios to illustrate. ;)

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 1:21pm

  118. 118: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 114 Been there with a man in the church and am now speaking up using Rori’s way. My challenge is doing it with compassion and empathy. In trying it that way I am achieving more than I have had in the past and I get comments that it is noticed and appreciated both there and in the office.

    Having been hurt badly in my younger days by a bf who cheated and his other came forward just when we were supposed to get married I was jaded for years and my heart was hardened and shut down. I was a shell of myself and am now coming back to the loving place I prefer. So yes compassion and empathy towards others mean a lot to me. I understand there needs to be a balance so I try to be conscious of treating people the way I want to be treated. Though we are encouraged to honor our feelings and speak up I am not yet convinced that always speaking it out even when it hurts others is the way to go. I also ask myself do I really need to always speak out?

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 1:26pm

  119. 119: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Queenbee. It is hard looking at myself though.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 1:28pm

  120. 120: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    FW, I don’t like “labels” either. I only used those words as shorthand for the descriptions, not as judgments. For example, we label men as “men” instead of saying “a human with testes” every time. ;)

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 1:29pm

  121. 121: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 116 Lily T” Like she wrote in #98, my social circle has been comprised of people more inclined to pair-bond who didn’t need years to decide.” Might be speaking to your level of maturity so you attract more mature men. We are not all at the same level of maturity so maybe I am not there yet.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 1:30pm

  122. 122: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 120 No suggestion of judgements. I was just expressing how I feel about the word player.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 1:31pm

  123. 123: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy I guess that is my “literal” side coming out again. Turquoise3 pointed that out to me. It is amazing who other people have pointed it out in my life but I have never really looked at it to address it. I am getting there though so I know it will eventually be healed. I am feeling so proud of myself right now.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 1:34pm

  124. 124: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy…haha….love you! and your doggedness or stick to itiveness or ummm, whatever word you’d choose as complimentary!! – it’s really cool.

    I agree – they both want women to WIN (almost hate to use that word due to it’s recent overuse…) Evan sounded honestly baffled on his Facebook page and said that he advocates for women and their happiness and he was concerned that it wouldn’t hurt him if no one listens…but it might hurt them.

    They have different energy – not because one is male and one is female, but because they are just different people.

    And I liked what FW said – and I say, we should NOT be insulting HIM, even if we wanna disagree with his opinions. They are not the same thing.

    Cheers for holding the space for both to be “right!!”

    Jacqueline

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 1:34pm

  125. 125: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    FW 103. In my experience and that of my friends and relatives, it is rare for a woman to ask “where is this going?” She usually already knows where it’s going bc he is talking about marriage and they are deciding together. Maybe it is different in the big cities than here in small town usa. ;)

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 1:35pm

  126. 126: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 125 Maybe. Context really makes a difference.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 1:36pm

  127. 127: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 124 I can understand why he must have been baffled. Though I didn’t like his tone in some places I am open to trying on his advice with some guys. I am accept that I can’t dictate what his tone should be so I can be comfortable with it so I am okay with him being himself or whatever works for him.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 1:44pm

  128. 128: QueenbeeNo Gravatar says:

    RE 66 – T-Girl, were you doing just the Siren Statement or were you doing the whole tool? See if you can go over the tool again and if you were not already, do the WHOLE tool not just the statement, then see :) :)

    Good for you on the progress you are making!

    xoxoxo

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 1:47pm

  129. 129: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    68 and 72″

    Daria and Tinque~

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 1:50pm

  130. 130: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    :#125 Lucy

    That’s the point I was trying to make this morning on the previous thread: my experience has always been talking and deciding together, I don’t know anyone who waited patiently for years for their man to propose. What kind of intimacy, connection is in that?

    And FW, you wouldn’t feel so bad for EMK if you read his blog and saw how he has been known to “bitch slap” some of the women who have written him for advice, or posted in his comment section. He’s a big boy. And you might also want to re- read his negative comments on the way Rori worded declining a man who wanted exclusivity – rather a put down in my opinion.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 1:50pm

  131. 131: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Jacqueline. Lol. Yes, they absolutely have different energies unrelated to gender!!! Fully agree with you on that! (wow, we agree! love you too! lol.) His type of energy is extremely familiar to me – had a best friend (female) like him for years, as well as other ppl in my life, including my brotherinlaw. As far as insults – I agree, no one should be insulting anyone else – but as evidenced last night btwn you and me, there is often disagreement about what constitutes an “insult,” kwim? <3

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 1:53pm

  132. 132: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    129~Might help if I actually type something in there.

    Daria and Tinque~

    YAY!! Then I will offer up a resounding HELL YES when the feeling so strikes me to do so.

    My feeling on this actually was there wouldn’t be any room for someone to question whether I was interested in them, as I am experiencing now.

    Thanks for the letting me see that it can be feminine/siren-y/goddess-y when it comes from the right place.

    ~Lil

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 1:56pm

  133. 133: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 130 Lily T can’t argue with you on the big boy comment but no I generally don’t read his blog, not sure I want to either. I am just concerned about accepting people as in welcoming them when they come to your “home”. We might have to ask them to leave and until they start throwing furniture and utensils or something worse I believe they should be asked in a dignified manner.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 1:57pm

  134. 134: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    92:

    LD, I feel your heart, girl and this has me feeling even more connection to you. And I already know you are like me, you do not want to hold him back from being/doing/going where his heart is dragging him but oh, what to do with your heart.

    Please feel free to contact me off blog…blueyedgirl63@yahoo.com

    I would welcome the “friendship” with open arms.

    For now, I’m hugging you.

    ~Lil

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 2:00pm

  135. 135: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Lily T – “I don’t know anyone who waited patiently for years for their man to propose. What kind of intimacy, connection is in that?”

    It’s not necessarily this black and white. I patiently waited around for years because we had something really special, and it was clear sans discussion that we were committed to each other as life partners.

    Over time marriage didn’t really matter to me anymore because we are married in every way aside from the document.

    I have the man, and he has his woman. What else do I need? Aside from a gorgeous ring which I have too. lol

    Seriously though, I came to revelation within myself that a legal marriage wouldn’t make me feel more secure, more “with” my man, more anything. Aside from some legal maneuvering, it doesn’t being me anything more at all.

    We still celebrate the anniversary of our first date as “our anniversary”.

    I am not saying I’m against marriage. I would do it if he asked, and I think it’s beautiful for anyone who wants this. But I also want to offer a different perspective.

    Miss M doesn’t want it at all. I could go either way and still be perfectly content.

    xxoo

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 2:02pm

  136. 136: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Lily T. – Using my phone for this and haven’t read all comments yet but I see you are sharing experience and observations similar to mine. Feels good to not be alone. :) I, too, perceive some of Evan’s remarks here as insulting and rude. (and No, it’s not bc I don’t like his point of view – as I have said repeatedly, he and Rori and I basically agree.)

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 2:03pm

  137. 137: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    Lol FW! I understand where you are coming from, but if someone comes to your ‘home’, obliquely puts down the hostess, argues with the other guests, belligerently sticking to their own (unasked for) opinion, how much courtesy do you owe them? EMK enjoys employing sarcasm in his writing…why shouldn’t he enjoy receiving it? Karma babe.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 2:06pm

  138. 138: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – intention matter? wasn’t my intention….but I am speaking of far more agressive “insulting” – I think we’d disagree on what’s an insult too. funny tho that it was applicable….and yeah, EMK is soooooo inyerface. That’s why Jonathon totally doesn’t disrupt us, he’s waaaay more likable, or non controversial or some such. I like people with opinions, I like men, I’m happy and I believe in myself – so for me, it’s all good. We allowed Erika who’s so much MORE inyerface with no one questioning her “right” to post here – so this feels gender biased to me….

    And him posting here is no different that all the other coach’s eletters that are being posted….if it’s open to one, it’s open to all. For me, I can’t even read all the way through a CC newletter…it’s just so…circular. rofl!

    Point is – it’s RORI’s HOUSE, and I hate the way the blog is being co-opted as if it’s ummm…whoever’s decided to post today’s house?!

    Feeling message, that. Rare for me – but yeah I HATE it hate it….and it triggers huge judgement in me about insecure people without well thought out beliefs and boundaries being those that attack, use sarcasm as humor etc. etc.

    I don’t want to feel triggered. I shall ignore those posts…and go read a good book perhaps?

    See ya all later,

    G’day all….

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 2:09pm

  139. 139: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    re: 137, please see 138; sounding awfully knee-jerk there, in my humble, respectful opinion. Grins, babe!

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 2:10pm

  140. 140: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    81: Darling Ella

    OH DE!! This is exciting. I have thought about that too. I take it from your post that you are doing private lessons? I always thought I had to have a partner to take dance lessons which is why I haven’t looked into it more.

    Expensive? How often are your lessons?

    Please fill a girl in. I want to do this so much!

    ~Lil

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 2:17pm

  141. 141: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    @Tinque #135

    I’m with you in the program of being able to be committed to someone without necessarily having a state registration. But some women want that, and for those who do, why is there such a disconnect on a timeline with their partners? As I wrote this morning on the previous thread, isn’t their any discussion about the reasons for and against getting married? How close can the two people be if there is NO discussion about it?

    What I got from EMK’s input is that it is a unilateral decision on the part of the male and the female should “be patient” until they’ve been together 3 years, and then if he doesn’t want to marry her she should bail. Fortunately I’ve never had to deal with this kind of attitude in my own relationships. Worked for EMK and wife, but I don’t see it as a “model” that needs to be emulated by others.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 2:17pm

  142. 142: QueenbeeNo Gravatar says:

    Tomorrow is my ‘out of town’ date with my HotAmazingSexy man :) I can feel his excitement and I can’t wait too! :)

    It’s midnight and haven’t done anything yet. Still need to workout, beautify, go over some tools, pick an outfit and pack a bag for different scenarios.

    I suspect the date will be ‘nature-ish’ since we are going out of town. I’ll carry my flats.

    Oooh, I want to kiss a tree tomorrow :)

    I noticed that when I think of kissing a tree what comes to mind is ‘the bark is rough, and ants could get in my mouth’ – but tomorrow I’m sure the tree that wants a kiss from me will just appear. I’m going to give it a soft, sensual 5 second kiss :) Yay!

    I’ll be leaning back. Despite all that’s gone on with us these past two weeks.

    I’ll let him bring stuff up and respond with warmth and openness.

    All I really want is just to be in his presence and feel AMAZING as I always do. Feel my amazing self melt and fall in love with myself more :)

    I’ll trust myself to communicate my boundaries with loving-ness, authenticity and clarity.

    It’s the clarity I struggle with –

    yeah, get married and have babies (2 is ideal). What more do I need to say.

    CDing – a mindset first. Then I don’t want to force myself to do anything I don’t want to do.

    I don’t want a man who’s involved in any way with another woman.

    Sex feels good to me when I feel emotionally and physically safe.

    Goodnight Sirens!

    xoxoxoxox

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 2:20pm

  143. 143: Katarina PhangNo Gravatar says:

    Everyone has a style, I agree with Jacq. As someone who has been judged for my style, I can attest that often it’s all about us, instead of about them.

    EMK’s style is indeed blunt, direct and very impersonal (it can be a turn off for most people, esp. women) but I can agree with most things he says even when we differ on CD.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 2:20pm

  144. 144: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Jacqueline, that’s just the point – no one was asking Evan to leave! They Wanted him to stay and engage in dialogue! He didn’t want to though bc – as Lily said – he didn’t want to be treated the way he was treating others – with sarcasm and strong opinions. I too love men including those w strong opinions – and I wholeheartedly welcome dialogue w him and perceive the others here as feeling the same. Dialogue not monologue. We’re cooking good stuff here, and sometimes ppl can’t stand the heat and choose to l

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 2:23pm

  145. 145: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Lily T – I hear you on the discussion if one or the other really wants this. I think it comes down to everyone is different. I don’t fault Evan’s wife for patiently waiting. Maybe she would have stayed with him regardless.

    It really comes down to, “is this person someone I want whether they want marriage or not?” And this goes for either one.

    Is it marriage that important? Or is not being married that important?

    xxoo

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 2:23pm

  146. 146: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    leave the kitchen.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 2:23pm

  147. 147: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    85: Jilly

    Thank you so much. You know what? After reading what you said to me, I think you may have touched on something there.

    I am open, vulnerable and authentic in my being here and as I thought about it…in the world too. I just needed to remember that. Thank you for the oh so gentle reminder.

    I am on my way.

    And, I followed DE’s lead by scheduling an appointment for highlights next week. A real pick me up after the long, cold winter here. It’s going to cost me a fortune and I’ll likely have to eat popcorn for a couple of weeks but I can live with that. ;-)

    Thank you, Jilly.

    Man, I heart you all

    ~Lil

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 2:27pm

  148. 148: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    As far as insults – yes, intention matters, and I don’t think anyone here (incl Evan) is insulting others (incl Evan) with malicious intent. Insults usually come from places in us that need healing. Sometimes we are aware that we are using insults, sometimes not. But it’s generally not malicious either way. I believe the saying, “Every act is either an act of love or a cry for love.” Now off to shower and shave (good day for that, right Daria?:)) <3

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 2:30pm

  149. 149: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    94: LD

    HotArmyGuy feels good to me, I am feeling excited.

    And what really touched me here, because I am in the same boat as you with regards to our sons, is his immediate offer to drive you at the end of May.

    *swooning sigh*
    ;-)

    Can’t wait to hear how the evening goes.

    ~Lil

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 2:33pm

  150. 150: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    102: Queenbee

    Thank you so much! Trust me on this one..

    Everything really will be okay. Thank you for pointing that out to me. Sometimes, we just need gentle reminders.

    Hugs,

    ~Lil

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 2:38pm

  151. 151: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    I’m borrowing Daria’s tool :-)

    thank you LG for taking me on a bike ride
    thank you LG for feeding me a bowl of cereal after
    thank you LG for finding someone to babysit the pets while we are gone. I feel a huge weight off my shoulders.
    Thank you LG for deep conditioning my hair
    thank you LG for ordering that program I wanted
    thank you LG for thinking positive and uplifting thoughts about work
    thank you LG basking in the sun. That felt really good.
    Thank you LG for buying that shampoo that smells like flowers. I felt luxurious showering last night.
    Thank you LG for finding that henna. My hair is going to look so pretty with blond streaks.
    Thank you LG for being you. You make me happy.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 2:44pm

  152. 152: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    LG, here are some things I would like to do today.

    I want to play with my new mind movies program. Can we please go into town and download it?

    I also don’t want to worry about work or spend a long time doing it. Can we just get those things we have to do finished quickly so that I can play later?

    I want to keep my blood sugar stable and my energy up. Can we eat some nutritious food today?

    Mainly I feel stressed about work. Can you help me stop procrastinating?

    Thank you LG

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 2:53pm

  153. 153: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    I also want to thank LI

    Thank you LI for making me that wonderful dinner last night. The scallops tasted sooooo good.

    Thank you LI for cleaning up the house before I brought my friend over. Thank you for knowing how much that means to me. I felt relaxed and cared for.

    Thank you for getting the bike fixed. It felt so good to ride today.

    Thank you for being positive and sweet. I feel really happy around you.

    Thank you for making me tea this morning and giving me sweet kisses before you left.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 2:57pm

  154. 154: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    142:

    Have a great day, Queenbee!

    ~Lil

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 3:04pm

  155. 155: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @100: Femininewoman says:
    “…The first time I show EMK showing up here was to tell me to stop posting his writing here because of something with google. He spoke on behalf of other coaches and I wondered if he was telling the truth and if they asked him to speak on his behalf. SLV said something to clarify something else about him to me and he came back seemingly refuting what she said…”

    There are a few misunderstandings here. I feel bad reading this. This is the second time there has been a post alleging I have been either “corrected” or “refuted” although I appreciate in your case there was no snide addition. I have spent some time with
    “my best loving self” pondering these things but it just does not feel good reading those lines.

    My first thought is “how in the world can this be stated as a fact?” I feel crushed and dismayed.

    My trigger is a sense of not only be ignored and unappreciated but outright put down although I was not the one posting the wrong information. Gee, how unfair is that? Very, I say.

    The post directed to you was about your distribution (by posting) his and other articles without permission; I inferred he had never given you permission. I believe he asked you to stop doing it. I believe he was telling the truth about other coaches unless they have given you permission.

    He mentioned he only posted those articles in his newsletters and not also on his web site because of possible duplicate content penalty by Google. I can only infer he used this argument to illustrate damage cause by uncontrolled publication of articles.

    His reasoning was flawed due to a common misunderstanding what “duplicate content” means as far as search engine optimization is concerned. It’s hard to blame him, I didn’t, because it is a HUGE myth, like the one about “free” Internet articles.

    However, in your defense I posted and linked to a Google’s own video which explained the true “duplicate content” issue. It is not as he stated in the Rori post. If you looked at the video you know that. Maybe you didn’t watch the video; it was kind of boring even to me and I love that stuff. If there was any “refuting” going on it was mine of his assertion to you about Google.

    As far as I know he didn’t refute or even reply to what I posted which was the Google executives explanation in full living color in sound and video. Yet you now write that he did. And that I was “refuted.” I feel really, really bad reading that.

    That you and others believe it was even worse. I have pulled out of that and know it’s not your job to care about me or my feelings; however, I will defend what I write, my work. I will continue working on shutting down my feelings as I haven’t been totally successful with that yet.

    I saw no such post and don’t believe there was one. Well, how could he? What could he say? He knows more about Google than the Google executives do??? I guess it could happen… I don’t think it did.

    Further, I posted a link to an explanation of allowed usage of copyrighted materials under “fair use doctrine.” Again, these were not my ideas, thoughts, or opinions, they were from the source, in the second case the defined limitations found in sections 107 through 118 of the copyright law (title 17, U. S. Code). You mentioned you have an MBA so I am thinking you might have encountered this before or had a general understanding. I also don’t remember these things so I look them up.

    I am chalking these things up to human nature and women believing a man over a woman not matter what. But, boy, it sure feels bad.

    The one good thing is I enjoyed reading your “thanks” to him… :D and then you continued to post more and more articles! That was super bold. I will describe it as: “thanks, Mister man, I’ll do it anyway, sue me!” It’s a trigger but I kind of laugh sometimes too… nervously. I admit, I’m a little naughty sometimes too.

    That aside, I was very disappointed in a post he made to me about first dates. I considered his comments to me cocky and sarcastic. In that one I was accused of — oh, this sounds so silly — wrongly citing his dating philosophies, then he turned around and stated what they were…. not different that what I said. However, he went on to imply and argue against me citing “blind coffee dates” which I NEVER SAID!! DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THOSE ARE!!

    I suppose it didn’t matter, the mere fact he posted I said them or implied somehow took hold. I posted a reply defending what I wrote. No reply from him.

    I work toward learning lessons from all no matter how my feelings are hurt. Now I mostly state my own knowledge, experience, beliefs and opinions regardless of how they are formed.

    I also admire clever business practices and I appreciate his work, a lot. I’m aware he is not perfect as none of us are. I just don’t like my feelings being hurt and being unfairly cast in the wrong. Perhaps the trigger fosters growth toward closing my heart. I’m attempting to close my heart for a while.

    Also I have a personal challenge to make a project around this issue. I like to, try anyway, create something good out of bad. I haven’t given this project a name yet…tbd.. maybe OPERATION MDC. I like to have fun even if I cry at the start.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 3:18pm

  156. 156: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    Well all EMK’s strong opinions on this blog weren’t enough apparently. He wrote on his Facebook page: ” I’m still going to write a blog post that obliterates the logic behind Circular Dating. ”

    This is a guy who truly hates it when people don’t agree with him. Almost amusing.
    Almost.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 3:30pm

  157. 157: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @114: Lucy says:
    “… I have walked on eggshells with men (and women) in “authority positions” before in order to head off drama. It is an unhealthy dynamic….”

    I’ve never given bonus points to anyone in perceived “authority” or “celebrity” or even “extra big bucks” as far as that is concerned but many people do. It’s sometimes shocking to me the extent. I don’t plan to change in that regard.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 3:32pm

  158. 158: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Lily 156. I feel really sad to hear that from Evan. :( I wish he could see the unity that I see regarding him and Rori. Very very sad. :(

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 3:42pm

  159. 159: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @130: Lily T. says:
    “..And FW, you wouldn’t feel so bad for EMK if you read his .blog and saw how he has been known to “bitch slap” some of the women who have written him for advice, or posted in his comment section. He’s a big boy…”

    I’m familiar with him and we exchanged posts the first time around with this same topic, much milder this time around. Does anybody remember that first newsletter about the three date exclusivity? When the male dating coach had his coachee dump the guy when she refused to go exclusive after three dates???

    Oh, well. I’ve got my “sweetie” and he is so calm. It’s like I’m talking to the other side of my brain. I believe I am. I’m learning to “dump it” and don’t let it get me down. I know what I’m going to do and that’s enough. I’m no fool.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 3:43pm

  160. 160: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    EMK is entitled to his own opinions, on his FB page, on his blog and here, when he is working in partnership with Rori. We can either chose to agree or disagree. However, I do feel that some of the comments from here could have been handled in a more respectful manner. I also feel like Evan didn’t have a choice in his responses, and while I can’t speak for him, I would have felt attacked, at best.

    He had to resort to defending his marriage for Pete’s Sake. All because of an article on CDing.

    I respect him for his work and I feel disheartened to continue to read, EMK bashing here.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 3:45pm

  161. 161: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    SLV, yes, many people do. I did at one time – in a church situation – it’s generally bc with “charismatic” types we co-create an illusion that they are filling a hole inside us.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 3:50pm

  162. 162: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @138: Jacqueline says:
    “…Point is – it’s RORI’s HOUSE, and I hate the way the blog is being co-opted as if it’s ummm…whoever’s decided to post today’s house?!…”

    I admit I get a little perverted tingle when I come here and see some of the stuff that goes down. I probably contribute… :P but in a thoughtful way… LOL :lol:

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 3:50pm

  163. 163: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t see any EMK bashing.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 3:55pm

  164. 164: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    We are all entitled to our own opinions and perceptions.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 4:01pm

  165. 165: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @156: Lily T. says:
    “…This is a guy who truly hates it when people don’t agree with him. Almost amusing. Almost…”

    Things can get rough. I enjoy a good exchange of ideas.

    And I don’t have anyone kneeling at my feet…so I just stick to the facts ma’am…

    But I suspect there are women just dying to “obliterated” by a man. I know it actually…

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 4:08pm

  166. 166: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    SLV, I just read your long post above. I feel empathy with you. I feel Hugely triggered when ppl say I said things I didn’t say – or say untrue things about me – and especially when they Persist in doing so. That was my recent issue w Jacqueline (don’t worry, Jacqueline, I’m over it). I notice that I am triggered even when ppl say Positive untrue things about me (my dad and a bf have done this)! I am working on healing this trigger (and am grateful that Jacq revealed it for me) and I know that once I heal i

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 4:14pm

  167. 167: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    once I heal it, ppl will stop doing it to me! Yay!!! :)

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 4:15pm

  168. 168: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @161: Lucy

    I would not have thought you be a person “to be in awe of” someone. You know of the jaw-dropping, they can do no wrong, “hey, look everybody it’s…” like that… Or, “he’s rich! what will I do?” quake, quake :P

    I think you are the opposite of that…???

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 4:17pm

  169. 169: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @166: Lucy says:
    “… I feel Hugely triggered when ppl say I said things I didn’t say – or say untrue things about me –…”

    Yeah, I might just lose it, especially when it’s nasty. Somebody makes up something about you and then castigates you for it or teases … huh? If it’s something you did or said you can talk about it, change, apologize, defend it or whatever. But if you didn’t,,, well… what do you do? Can’t even join in the discussion…

    I am taking some points from “my sweetie” really… we had a “discussion” about it this morning, a long one. I know I am accessing both sides of my brain. He is very calm and figuring things, very calmly… it reminds me of myself when I was in school… university…

    I’m learning something… I just have to figure out what it is… LOL

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 4:25pm

  170. 170: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @167: Lucy says:
    “…once I heal it, ppl will stop doing it to me! Yay!!! …”

    I’ll shut down my heart for the rest of the year and i won’t care…

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 4:27pm

  171. 171: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    I just came back from going out with Me, Myself and I :) why does this feel better tha going on a blind date?

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 4:31pm

  172. 172: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    168. Lol SLV – yes, I learned my lesson! I was never that way as a matter of course, but it can be a very insidious process arising within a perfect storm. I became the prized and cherished pupil of such a leader, eventually her “bff,” and it filled a need in me for approval, recognition of my superior intellect and spiritual discernment (lol! – her words), attention, popularity, etc. When she gained more authority at one point, she even puffed me up by saying, “Now that I have more authority, you do too by

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 4:32pm

  173. 173: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    by virtue of our relationship.” I fell for it of course, young and foolish and wounded as I was.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 4:34pm

  174. 174: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    SLV~

    I found, buried in my jewelery box, a beautiful ring I had purchased years ago. I have deemed this to be my ring and am wearing it now, to remind me of my journey to finding my “sweetie” in the flesh.

    Feels kinda good to have a reminder on my finger.

    I just wanted to share that with you…

    :-)

    ~Lil

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 4:34pm

  175. 175: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    My sister married such a man, and though he cheats on her at times, he provides her with high status, wealth, and popularity, and that (for her) balances it out. Not me.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 4:36pm

  176. 176: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    I was talking about this topic with Sirens on another thread… and I am feeling more in a good vibe right now… it is about me, nothing else matters.

    Although I have to say I am looking forward to practicing some suggestions the Sirens gave me re how to deal with a group of men… eye contact, and stepping back… etc

    And also just leaning back and feeling really good.

    Like an overflowing fountain of sparkly love!

    :-)

    Just got back from my Zumba Instructor training course.

    Feel dog tired but very happy!

    Haven’t read comments on thread yet. Will prob catch up tomorrow.

    Hope everyone is good!

    xoxoxox

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 4:36pm

  177. 177: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Luzydel, I too often prefer my own company. ;)

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 4:41pm

  178. 178: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    SLV, please don’t shut down your heart. *tone of great love and compassion* <3

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 4:45pm

  179. 179: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @171: luzydel says:
    “…I just came back from going out with Me, Myself and I why does this feel better tha going on a blind date?…”

    Because you love you and “You Will Still Love You Tomorrow?”

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 5:01pm

  180. 180: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    I’ve read many good and useful things on EMK’s blog. But if anyone thinks he’s being bashed here? This is what he wrote on FB about your “home” here on Rori’s blog:

    “Oh, and thank you, Jacqueline. There are many psychological principles that describe what occurs on Rori’s blog: the confirmation bias, the overconfidence bias, the normalization of deviance… pretty much codified groupthink that is so con…vinced that it’s right that any dissenter will be shouted down. It’s like Michael Moore going on Fox News, you know? :) So I don’t take it personally; I just hope that women realize that I understand men and advocate for women – and that they ignore my entreaties at their own peril. My life doesn’t change if they don’t follow my warnings; theirs certainly will.”

    Does anyone consider this bashing RR readers?

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 5:01pm

  181. 181: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 155 SLV my understanding might be wrong but the discussion I referred to above is on the link below. Please read 657, 952 and 956. For ease of reference I have posted 657 and 952 below. I might have misunderstood something or you might have missed it. Please let me know if I am missing something.

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/difficult-situations/flu-and-pain-and-disaster-and-everyday-peace/#respond
    1. 657: Senior Lady Vibe says:
    @642: LD says:
    “…So if the chemistry is there, I find that it’s hard for men to remember that it’s just a second or third date. I’m not sure how to reconcile this with my own boundaries, because it feels more intimate more quickly for me as well…”
    Both Rori and EMK encourage early face-to-face dates rather than spending a lot of time with messaging and telephone calls. Thanks for sharing your CD experiences which illustrate how that works.
    xoxo
    SLV

    1. 952: Evan Marc Katz says:
    @SLV 657: “Both Rori and EMK encourage early face-to-face dates rather than spending a lot of time with messaging and telephone calls”
    Nope. You got the wrong dating coach.
    I’d rather you go on one good pre-screened comfortable Friday night date with a man you’ve been emailing/talking to for a week than to go on three blind coffee dates.
    Nothing sucks the life out of dating more than rushing into meaningless meetings with total strangers. Make him invest in you BEFORE you meet and your first date will feel like a second date.
    EMK

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 5:03pm

  182. 182: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @174: Lilybelle says:
    “…I found, buried in my jewelery box, a beautiful ring I had purchased years ago….”

    That’s exciting and special! A good reminder that you are on your journey. I got rings today, TWO! Same gumball machine… hahah :lol: I plan to get one each weekend. First quarters, ring got stuck, so had to try again, got two! Now I have five little rings.

    Is that a good sign, two rings at once? Or is it a sign “sweetie” is “stuck” somewhere…?

    Did you take the apartment? I forget…you said bedroom was small…

    xoxo
    SKV

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 5:07pm

  183. 183: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Lilybelle #140:

    Gosh, I feel weird sharing the package cost…I don’t want to feel judged :(

    When I made my decision, I asked myself…would I rather pay for more therapy or dancing??? I chose dancing for a change ;) Hope this answers for you :)

    Yet, I feel glad you were inspired by my choice :)

    Warm hugs,

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 5:12pm

  184. 184: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    182:
    SLV~

    Hee Hee, I love the little rings you purchase. In fact, I looked long and hard at the ring machine the other day with you in mind and smiled BIG time. Two rings feels good to me, not stuck.

    RE: the apartment
    I followed your advice about how it “felt” when I was in it and it “felt” too small overall. It probably would have been okay if there were a storage locker available on site, but there is a waiting list for one. I don’t want my home to look like a storage unit, with tubs stacked in the corner of my bedroom so I am going to wait until a larger one bedroom opens for me.

    The good news is that I don’t have a time limit here and in the meantime, I can start/continue to go through things and make donations of clothing etc to reduce the overall “stuff” that no longer serves a purpose for me. Other people can use it and will appreciate it and that feels great!

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 5:15pm

  185. 185: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Lily T # 180:

    Ouch…I feel glad and thankful English is not my 2nd language…I sure hope I “misunderstand” his intention(s) again because of it ;)

    Good catch ;)

    Warm hugs,

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 5:17pm

  186. 186: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 137 Lily T I understand but I also remember CCarter talking about maturity and how two wrongs don’t make a right. See my thinking is I can rise above and I will not allow anyone to take me where I don’t want to go in a disagreement. It is about the way we fight. I have learnt that emotions are contagious so people will reflect back to us the emotion we bring to interactions. Just because I am with a screecher doesn’t mean that I should take on screeching if it was never in my nature. I can walk away from it. I have kids and I guess it is one of the life lessons I teach them. I have refused to engage people in arguments where when I was younger I used. I learnt from a very Burmese boss some years ago how to make a dignified exit regardless of what is being thrown at me. I liked her style back then and I still like it now.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 5:17pm

  187. 187: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    On a second thought…I say lets get him…lol

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 5:18pm

  188. 188: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    183:

    I completely respect your decision not to share. And thank you for the comparisson. Kinda like my hair appointment. ;-)

    I think dancing IS therapy and much more fun. I hope you will share your experience with the lessons.

    :-)

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 5:19pm

  189. 189: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    Gotcha FW. Then with that philosophy in mind it would be best to just not mention EMK anymore on this thread you think?

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 5:20pm

  190. 190: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Lily T # 180:

    Correction: “Ouch…I feel glad and thankful English IS my 2nd language…I sure hope I “misunderstand” his intention(s) again because of it ;)” You see what I mean?!! lol

    Warm hugs,

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 5:20pm

  191. 191: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UFhFaRKVpTY

    Fom now on I am dating myself!!! :) LOL

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 5:23pm

  192. 192: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    180:

    From an outsider looking in, I would imagine it does look that way. It can get quite tense and uncomfortable at “home” at times. We all know what is happening but someone new may think at times, this is a place filled with hatred and no regard for others opinions.

    When in fact, it isn’t that way at all. There is much love, acceptance and healing that occurs here, not to mention cheering and encouragement. For someone who does not attend often, I honestly feel it could look exactly as Evan describes.

    Someone said earlier and I forget who so I am paraphrasing, that for new people, who are looking for help, it could be quite intimidating to someone who does not understand the processing that occurs here.

    And the healing.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 5:25pm

  193. 193: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @181: Femininewoman says:
    “….RE 155 SLV my understanding might be wrong but . I might have misunderstood something or you might have missed it. Please let me know if I am missing something….”

    Missed what?… Those are my posts. I don’t see any “google refuting” do you? Yes, guess you are missing something. Is this a joke?

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 5:28pm

  194. 194: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 180 Though he has to qualify his sources he does say “There are many psychological principles” that suggest such things. Yes I do agree that it could be read as bashing RR readers but my personality would be to look for the value by investigating the psychological principles he refers to. You see I have again accepted where CCarter says the way you are in any relationship is the way you are in “the” relationship so I would hate to find out that after all this work here I would shout down a partner if he is a dissenter to my opinions. Please don’t get me wrong I am defending him. What I am concerned about is whether the work we do here empowers us to be tolerant of others in our relationships. Are we really practicing what Rori teaches in creating a safe place for the people we interact with? Because if we don’t I feel we are missing something. I understand we should focus on our own feelings and put ourselves first but in my opinion it is the feedback we get from others that confirm we are really practicing and succeeding at what we are learning. He might disagree yes but my sense is that if our disagreement was expressed in gentle, soft ways that I understand is the feminine way he might have stayed and expressed more of his thinking and the reasons why he disagrees.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 5:30pm

  195. 195: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 193 NO SLV it is not a joke, I said nothing about google refuting.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 5:31pm

  196. 196: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @183: Darling Ella says:
    “…would I rather pay for more therapy or dancing??? I chose dancing for a change…”

    DE, dancing *is* therapy… :D

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 5:32pm

  197. 197: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    1. 952: Evan Marc Katz says:
    @SLV 657: “Both Rori and EMK encourage early face-to-face dates rather than spending a lot of time with messaging and telephone calls”
    Nope. You got the wrong dating coach.

    It seems to me here that he is refuting your claim that he encourages early face to face meetings. In saying “Nope. You got the wrong dating coach.”

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 5:33pm

  198. 198: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I predict that Evan’s “obliteration of the logic behind circular dating” will utilize a very attractive straw man argument. He is sharp enough to excel at sophistry. Ultimately, he is only doing battle against himself – I just hope that the collateral damage is minimal – and that is my primary concern and motivation for speaking out about this.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 5:35pm

  199. 199: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    Though I’ve seldom commented, I’ve been reading this blog off and on for over a year. To me, it seemed a nuturing kind of place, very much like a support group, but then I usually did not read all 500+ posts on each thread.

    And I’ve been reading EMK’s blog for a few years – I’m somewhat accustomed to his snarkiness over there even if I don’t care for it, it’s HIS blog after all. So I was happy to see some of the ladies here stand up to him on the circular dating threads. He made some good points and so did they. If he felt he was being *savaged* here (c’mon really?) it was only because he was getting back some of what he is so used to dishing out.

    Anyway, now we know what he really thinks of this blog and the women here. I don’t much care if he feels welcome here, or bashed. Pfffftttt.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 5:35pm

  200. 200: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @184: Lilybelle
    “…If it feels good, right choice. Let’s bet that by the time you get all your things sorted, the right size apartment will be available…”

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 5:36pm

  201. 201: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Luzydel:

    Gosh, that’s just awesome…I steal it from u…It made my day for real :) Thank you

    Warm hugs,

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 5:36pm

  202. 202: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 192 lilybelle that was how I felt when I was new here. I believe it was Erika Awakening and someone else back then.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 5:36pm

  203. 203: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    SLV #196:

    Yes, indeed it is…:) It took my a while to figure it out …lol

    Warm hugs,

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 5:40pm

  204. 204: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    200:
    Yes, let’s bet. I’ll bet you four machine rings that you are right.

    ;-)

    I’m on a journey. Hee Hee

    Thanks for going with me, SLV.

    ~Lil

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 5:41pm

  205. 205: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 189 You know Lily T I believe I visited EMK’s blog once when I signed up for his free newsletters. I was a bit put off by the rules he put up about what should take place there. I remember not liking the tone. However, I find it a bit amusing that on this blog there is no rules, at least I have not seen them, to control how or what is shared here. I did look for some but didn’t find any. However, during my time here aside from a comment about religion I have never seen Rori interject about not putting stuff. I have also got a sense that certain language might put posts into moderation. I can’t remember seeing anything else controling the traffic here. However, since I have been here different posters like myself have tried to control what I write by their suggestions. At one point I felt I should leave because I was not welcome. I felt it was feeding into my insecurities so I withdrew and but then I came back. It is amazing to me how people try to control things here.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 5:45pm

  206. 206: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    180. The psychological principles Evan speaks of are the very ones he is utilizing (among others) – I feel intrigued that he is seeing them mirrored. I feel concerned and sad that he is using those words to dismiss so many women. What is quoted there seems incredibly toxic to me. I feel concerned for women who are enmeshed with him. I know I may receive some flack for this – even outrage – but I am genuinely concerned.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 5:50pm

  207. 207: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    OMG ….

    Watch this…about Side Effects….

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0AaSGedwAA&feature=related

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 5:51pm

  208. 208: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @197: Femininewoman says:
    “…It seems to me here that he is refuting your claim that he encourages early face to face meetings. In saying “Nope. You got the wrong dating coach….”

    Yes, he’s wrong and snarky. That’s the part you missed. I endorse what he does first meeting after only a couple of e-mails and phone calls, a week or so, early, as opposed to the three months of e-mail messages discussed, which I’ll call “later.” I said nothing whatsoever about “blind coffee dates” or any instant meetings.

    I “had” the right dating coach. I suspect that doesn’t matter to you. I’m OK with that.

    He got some attention. Cool. I know what I’ll do, that’s what matters.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 5:52pm

  209. 209: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 142 Queenbee I am so happy reading that. I wish you have a happy day and go ahead and kiss the tree if that makes you feel good. Hope this is up up and away to happily ever after.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 5:54pm

  210. 210: SirenJenNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Ladies…I’m back. Rori kindly changed my screenname as asked (this is only my 3rd post). Anyways, my date is tomorrow with ChoirDirectorMan!!!! He’s been on vacation with his friends in Vegas all week and I’m feel so proud of myself for not leaning forward and messaging him or anything…..in fact, HE sent ME a text the other day asking me how my week was going and making sure that we were still on for our date :) I’m so excited and nervous for tomorrow!! I re-watched the Modern Siren dvds this week and have been in SUCH a siren mood today too….!!!!

    HOWEVER….I have one thing that I need your help with….I’m a single mom of 2 little boys — I’m HOPING that he clicked through all of my facebook pics (to get my full story on how I got in touch with ChoirDirectorMan, you’ll have to go back a few threads and search SirenJen)….so…should I bring it up tomorrow night?? I haven’t dated anyone in 2 1/2 years since I broke up with my ex…so dating as a single mom is brand new for me. He is picking me up at my house tomorrow night…and it will be obvious that I have little ones because of a cute wooden lego table I have in my living room. I don’t want to assume that he knows or will figure it out on his own….lol. Help!! :)

    You ladies are awesome

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 5:55pm

  211. 211: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 206 Lucy I don’t know about them. As I said I have to do some research there, both about those triggers he mentions and maybe his blog or how it mirrors hi.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 5:58pm

  212. 212: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @204: Lilybelle says:
    “…Yes, let’s bet. I’ll bet you four machine rings that you are right…”

    Girl… I can’t bet “my rings.” But I got a feeling your apartment will come right on time. :D

    “I Got A Feeling” – Black Eyed Peas – Oprah Chicago Flashmob 24th season Oprah http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwRo0iCvoYE

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 5:59pm

  213. 213: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 210 Is this your first date? That was not clear.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:00pm

  214. 214: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    194. FW. When women have strong boundaries and do not tolerate mistreatment, toxic men leave. Healthy women do not want to “get a man to stay at all costs.” Rori says (and it is a psychologically sound principle) that saying No to what we Don’t Want makes room for what we Do Want.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:04pm

  215. 215: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    SLV~

    Are you kidding, I KNOW what those rings signify, I would NEVER bet the rings themselves, only the getting of NEW rings. :-)

    Hee Hee.

    And I LOVED that video, I have it saved to my favorites.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:05pm

  216. 216: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 135 tinque I don’t remember if Virginia Feingold Clarke mentioned how long she waited but I do remember her suggesting in the Interview that when she brought it up hers suggested that he was somewhat not open to it because he did not believe he needed to do that to prove to her that he loves her. She said it was important to her and told him he something to the effect that he was entitled to think the way he wants but that she would be willing to leave to fulfil her heart’s desire. I have to review the Interview but somehow I feel it took them more than the 3 years to get there. I felt in the interview that she too is happy with her situation.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:07pm

  217. 217: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 214 Thanks Lucy.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:07pm

  218. 218: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    FW #3 – I am with you.

    “And the only answer is: You don’t believe, deep down that what you want will show up for you.”

    That is a phrase that really resonates with me as well. And I’m really trying to work on that, and also trying to work on accepting myself as “sexy” and “attractive.” Tons of people – basically everyone in my life – tells me that I am beautiful, sexy and attractive. But I don’t know why it somehow doesn’t sink in that it’s actually true. It’s like I pegged myself long ago as an “ugly duckling” and everyone else is telling me I’m a swan, only I can’t see it.

    Anyhoo.

    About this “chasing” business. I realize that I am the absolute WORST at chasing. No, that’s not true. I am perfectly fine and quite comfortable letting men come to me. It’s AFTER they come to me that I start chasing.

    However. I heard an interesting story recently. I was talking to a friend of mine who recently got engaged. The whole thing developed pretty quickly, so I asked her how it happened. Basically, she and her housemates had a party (I was there), and during that party, she took this one guy aside and told him that she had a “huge crush” on him, and then “grabbed him and started kissing him.” The next thing I knew, they were “in a relationship” on Facebook. And a few months later, they were engaged. They are getting married in the summer. So…is that “chasing”? That’s pretty forward. Does that mean the guy has a lot of “feminine” energy? I don’t know. I can’t say, because I’ve only met him once. Maybe. But I think it might have to do with something else. Like Rori said, it all has to do with where it’s coming from.

    She’s a very feminine, very sexy woman. She is accomplished and secure in her life, but still young, and likes to have fun. She felt free and self-confident enough to just state clearly what she wanted. And I think that’s probably what appealed to him the most.

    I would also venture to say that there is a difference between “chasing” and “approaching.” “Chasing” is what you do when you are needy and you don’t have a lot of self esteem. So you “need” the guy to respond, to make you feel better, to make you feel sexy. “Approaching,” however, would be all about confidence. You know your sexiness and your desirability are in tact, no matter what he does, so you can approach with confidence, and not fear his response, or lack thereof. You are simply taking care of yourself and your needs, which is different from being “needy.”

    On the whole, I agree that it is MUCH better to lean back and give the guy space to come toward you. You want him to have that feeling of confidence and control, because that will make him feel just so excited to be with you, as opposed to feeling like a puppet who is just responding to you pulling his strings. No guy wants to feel that way.

    Right now, I am practicing “approaching” – while also knowing that it may not be a good idea in the long run. But I also don’t have any great expectations for the relationship. He’s just an attractive guy, and I feel confident about my feelings and where they’re coming from. I think the key is, the same as with any of this, not having any “expectation” as to the outcome. If I say, “I want you” or “I want to see you” that doesn’t mean that he’s going to be there or that anything is going to happen. But I am still being honest and expressing my desires. I can still take care of myself and I don’t “need” him there to do it.

    Meanwhile, if you have any doubts about my friend and her fiancé, I think their relationship is going to be just fine. They are like two little lovebirds, and it is obvious from their pictures and what everyone says, including them, that they are truly in love. So I feel like, ‘good for her.’ She knew what she wanted and she went for it. And he responded. I think she’s one of the lucky ones.

    The rest of us still have to play by “the rules.” But even then, I think there is still space to “break the rules” – on occasion. You are a passionate person. You DO have desires sometimes, but you can still have them in a feminine way. If you feel really connected to the moment, and you do or say something that is in your heart, I don’t think we need to be held back by “fear” about what a guy is going to do or not do, or how he is going to react. I think the goal is to act from our best, most truest selves, and that’s what Rori’s message is overall, as well as a lot of other teachers out there.

    This is a great article, and a great post. I really needed it in this moment. Thanks again, Rori!

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:11pm

  219. 219: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    It’s kind of laughable that he accused this blog of confirmation bias, since confirmation bias is what he bases his own conclusions on. *shakes head at the irony*

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:13pm

  220. 220: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 218 Tmizz interesting perspective but I don’t feel I could pull that off without the expectations and the investment in the outcome. I feel happy for your friend and hope that the relationship withstands the test of time. Her vibe must have been in the right place for her to manifest that.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:17pm

  221. 221: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 219 Lucy what does that mean? Confirmation bias?

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:18pm

  222. 222: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Just started my research:-
    Confirmation bias (also called confirmatory bias or myside bias) is a tendency for people to favor information that confirms their preconceptions or hypotheses regardless of whether the information is true.[Note 1][1] As a result, people gather evidence and recall information from memory selectively, and interpret it in a biased way. The biases appear in particular for emotionally significant issues and for established beliefs. For example, in reading about gun control, people usually prefer sources that affirm their existing attitudes. They also tend to interpret ambiguous evidence as supporting their existing position. Biased search, interpretation and/or recall have been invoked to explain attitude polarization (when a disagreement becomes more extreme even though the different parties are exposed to the same evidence), belief perseverance (when beliefs persist after the evidence for them is shown to be false), the irrational primacy effect (a stronger weighting for data encountered early in an arbitrary series) and illusory correlation (in which people falsely perceive an association between two events or situations).

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:19pm

  223. 223: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    hhhhmmmm
    A series of experiments in the 1960s suggested that people are biased towards confirming their existing beliefs. Later work explained these results in terms of a tendency to test ideas in a one-sided way, focusing on one possibility and ignoring alternatives. In combination with other effects, this strategy can bias the conclusions that are reached. Explanations for the observed biases include wishful thinking and the limited human capacity to process information. Another proposal is that people show confirmation bias because they are pragmatically assessing the costs of being wrong, rather than investigating in a neutral, scientific way.

    Confirmation biases contribute to overconfidence in personal beliefs and can maintain or strengthen beliefs in the face of contrary evidence. Hence they can lead to disastrous decisions, especially in organizational, military, political and social contexts.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:21pm

  224. 224: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    Lucy #219:

    I’m shaking my head right along with you. ;)

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:23pm

  225. 225: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Now I really miss Pamelala. I would love to hear her take on this.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:23pm

  226. 226: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Tmizz, I had a couple great relationships that started the way you described with that couple. I saw a guy I wanted, and went for it from a place of confidence and playfulness. In each case, I eventually ended it – although one of them I later wished I hadn’t. So yes, it does work that way sometimes. My younger sister’s marriage started similarly and they have been happily married over 20 years with 4 great kids.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:23pm

  227. 227: SirenJenNo Gravatar says:

    This is our first date…..we’ve never met. Our old HS choir teacher put in a good word for me when she saw him a week and a half ago…and he sent me a message on Facebook. Since then, we’ve been talking…I’ve been using feeling messages :) And he asked me out. So tomorrow is the day!!!

    I’m still feeling unsure about the single mom thing and how to approach that with him…

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:27pm

  228. 228: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    Ok since we all talk about how things went after a date; I will talk about my dates with me…

    Today Me and Myself hanged out at the mall, It was a nice weather but still a bit chilli to be out. We had a capuccino and sat on the seats in front of Nordstrom, We looked at people pass by. Myself asked me what do you want? What makes you happy?
    Me answered… I want simplicity, Art, poetry, I want my life to be full of smiles. Them Me ask Myself what is your type of man? Myself stayed quite and started to look at each man that passed by…
    She looked at them in their eyes, some never noticed her, others avoided her and a few looked back and said hi, Myself smiled back and responded with another hello. Then myself responded to me
    I want a man that can smile, a man that notices me, a man who can look at my eyes.

    Then me and Myself finished the capuccino and decided to stroll around the mall, Me realised that Myself loves crystals and Auntie Anns pretzels :)
    That myself is a smile magnet and people are drawn to myself when myself smiles. Me loves puppies, so Myself wanted to make me happy and went to see some puppies, there was a cute guy checking Me and Myself out and we both decided that he was into both. So we both flirted with him.
    After a nice time Myself and Me called it a day, Myself invited Me to go Ball Room dancing tomorrow and Me said yes.

    So what do you think sirens? Should Me lean Back? or is Myself too insecure? Me don’t want to seem too needy or desperate, but Myself is so irresistible…:)

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:27pm

  229. 229: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Normalization of Deviance

    System flaws set up good people to fail. 80% of errors are system induced. People often find ways of getting around processes which seem to be unnecessary or which impede the workflow. “Normalization of deviance” describes a gradual shift in thought in which nonstandard or unacceptable behavior and standards become acceptable. People and organizations generally do not tolerate immediate, large shifts in behaviors – it would be obvious and seem ridiculous. However, we accept and barely notice incremental changes over long periods of time.

    We mainly become aware of the normalization of deviance when we reach a breaking point. One graphic example of this concept was the space shuttle Challenger disaster. Accident investigators identified that the temperature on the morning of the launch was far below the known safe limit. The O-rings that failed and caused the explosion were designed to function at a temperature no lower than 59 degrees. However, over time, NASA had launched the shuttle successfully at progressively lower temperatures until eventually on the morning of the Challenger launch, the temperature on the launch pad was 29 degrees.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:29pm

  230. 230: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    FW – those are very good explanations of the principles. Thank you for locating them.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:31pm

  231. 231: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    I really enjoyed #228 Luzydel! I think your Me & Myself are doing just fine :).

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:31pm

  232. 232: WinnieNo Gravatar says:

    Wow! I haven’t logged on for a few days and it seems like I have missed all the action!

    I think that EMK may have forgotten for a moment that he was dealing with WOMEN…he sure got reminded!! He said that he understands men but I think women may still be a bit of a mystery to him. ; )

    I have read a bit of EMK’s dating/relationship advice, and while I agree with some of what he has to say, for me personally, he doesn’t say much that’s new.

    I have just been skimming through the posts and have been triggered by some comments and then further down the thread been so encouraged by the responses (on both sides of the discussion).

    I think the best thing about his comments here, is that it has so many of us thinking about the whole concept of circular dating and what it means to each of us. The process of having to explain or teach an idea really does help us to clarify our own minds. So thank you Evan.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:31pm

  233. 233: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @207: Darling Ella
    tee hee :P (psst, don’t tell anyone I’m laughing… :lol: )

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:32pm

  234. 234: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 227 Okay so now I am wondering why you are concerned about “approaching” him with the single mom thing? Are you already assuming that the first date is going to lead to a long term relationship? Are you concerned that he might not be ready to be a daddy to your kids? These might all be unconscious concerns.

    My understanding is that first dates are for having fun. I would not bring up anything about the kids or my life unless he asks. Then I would tell him how I feel blessed to have two wonderful children who lights up my life with joy and adventure.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:33pm

  235. 235: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 232 Winnie thank you for that positive outlook. Curiosity about ourselves and our own processes could lead us to operate from our zone of genius. Love that.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:35pm

  236. 236: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Welcome Lucy. Have had you prior knowledge of them?

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:36pm

  237. 237: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 228 Luzydel Me should lean waaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy forward to make Myself happy. Love it.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:39pm

  238. 238: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Many of us here are social scientists and are cognizant of these principles. My perception of the blog is that there is surprisingly very little of those problems going on here – most likely bc we keep each other on our toes, continually challenging each other’s application and understanding of Rori’s teachings, effectively avoiding “group think.” It’s quite unusual, actually, what we are accomplishing here. Rori seems like a very healthy person, and thus a healthy leader inspiring healthy and independent t

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:40pm

  239. 239: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    thought within and among her students/readers.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:41pm

  240. 240: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    SLV:

    Lol…Glad you get the humor :)

    Here is another one for you :)

    I just so love her straightforward…no bullshit talk…

    lol

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXcOxmDabbI&feature=related

    Warm hugs,

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:44pm

  241. 241: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    She permits and encourages the free exchange of ideas (which hearsay tells me Evan does not?), and uses very few psychological principles of control and manipulation (I say “very few” bc she of course uses a minimal amount as required by adequate marketing :) ).

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:45pm

  242. 242: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy you know CCarter suggests something about reality and ideal and how that plays out for us in our lives. The words “that people are biased towards confirming their existing beliefs” reminded me of that. He suggests that we tend to want what is happening in our minds to be our reality so we go out looking to create it in real life. I believe he suggests that in the context of women asking certain questions of men wanting them to validate the relationship and where it’s at as an example of when we are thinking in our minds that we should be in a committed relationship. His writing is kind of geeky with a lot of psychological references/theories and he does a lot of work around identifying beliefs and suggesting changing the ones that are not working.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:46pm

  243. 243: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy #238:

    I sooo agree with you…Rori is an AMAZING leader …I have dealt with so many women running their own business…and by far, she has done an amazing job in fostering growth, acceptance, and vision for every woman out there sharing her vision or not…

    Warm hugs,

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:48pm

  244. 244: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy that puts in a bit of context for me in understanding where people are coming from and explaining their reactions. I do however remember the comment about truth without compassion is not truth that I understood might be embraced by Rori.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:49pm

  245. 245: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @228: luzydel says:
    “… there was a cute guy checking Me and Myself out and we both decided that he was into both. So we both flirted with him…”

    I love this! You are on your way. :D

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:51pm

  246. 246: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 243 I believe that and the reason why I was concerned that she brought him here like she brings other coaches and this is the first time I see that kind of response to one. I couldn’t help wondering if our response was questioning her leadership ability.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:51pm

  247. 247: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Luzydel 228. LOVE LOVE LOVE IT! i am smiling ear to ear just reading it! :)

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:51pm

  248. 248: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    DE 243. Thanks. Feels good to hear. Yes, Rori seems to have a great deal of integrity.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:54pm

  249. 249: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Winnie I am wondering if these words “And if you are a woman who instinctively” are the crux of the matter for me with cdating. Or maybe with EMK’s understanding? I have noticed that I instinctively reach out. It is what I have seen all my life. I don’t it without thinking and have to consciously shut myself down at times now. I am wondering if in shutting myself down sometimes I am not being authentic?

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:55pm

  250. 250: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    The funny thing too about Evan’s assertions is that SO many of us here are practically Allergic to group-think! Lol! Just look around at all the diversity of opinions, independence, and outside-the-box freedom to be whoever the heck we are and think whatever we want to think. Lol.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 6:58pm

  251. 251: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Rori talks about how we do some things that might seem innocuous to us, but others experience it differently.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 7:00pm

  252. 252: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    The group think piece I thought was a bit off-base particularly taking into consideration how many people have questioned the lean back tool and cdating itself. He however might not have noticed that depending on how often he visits the blog and whether he reads all the comments.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 7:03pm

  253. 253: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Yes, Lucy…

    Rori recognizes the gray areas and she embraces it…Evan is challenging it…but that’s his problem…

    Gray area thinking does not promote group thinking…to the contrary…there is room to grow…and expand your own being…:)

    Warm hugs,

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 7:04pm

  254. 254: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    FW. 242. I have only read a little of CC. He seems to have some good ideas. I don’t personally resonate with his writing style though.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 7:09pm

  255. 255: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    Going now to read more of the Ian Kerner book. So far it resonates!

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 7:10pm

  256. 256: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    “Be Honest–You’re Not That Into Him Either”

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 7:11pm

  257. 257: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    On a lighter note, I wonder how often does Rori goes behind her couch, on her knees to release the anger she might feel from what we post here…:)

    Sorry Rori, I had to share this :)

    Warm hugs,

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 7:14pm

  258. 258: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy when I started reading CCarter I was triggered. It seems to be circular talking and kind of preying on the women love solving mystery concept. Seems he never gets to the point. What I eventually realized is that he injects new information into old newsletters and as I kept reading I got used to the style and started to get value from his information. As DE described it some time ago it was a bit like blahblahblahblah. However as I have stated before I have come to believe that people’s opinions are valid and they have a reason for believing what they believe because of their experiences. Until they find something to replace that belief they will continue to hold onto it. I might not agree with them but that does not change the fact that their belief is valid to them and to some others. As such I am now practicing giving people the space to at least express themselves where in the past I used to jump in before they were finished and cut them off because I guess I was not feeling heard/validated/or seen. Now I practice remaining silent or using Rori’s nodding tool or just hhhhhmmmmm.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 7:19pm

  259. 259: WinnieNo Gravatar says:

    249: Femininewoman says:
    “I have noticed that I instinctively reach out. It is what I have seen all my life. I don’t it without thinking and have to consciously shut myself down at times now. I am wondering if in shutting myself down sometimes I am not being authentic?”

    FW, I think I have read here that you are familiar with Dr Paul? One of his theories that femininity resides in the reptilian brain and is purely instinctive.
    I wonder if your instinctive reaching out is more a behaviour due to personality style, a nuturing style, such as with Queen and Lover personality styles (KWML) which would place it in the emotional brain and reflect your in-born strengths. I would think that to idea is not to shut down those parts of your character, but rather to seek to develop the opposite personality traits further as part of becoming more rounded. And to seek a partner who can bring those opposite traits to you.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 7:24pm

  260. 260: SirenjenNo Gravatar says:

    @ 234… Of course first dates are supposed to be fun, lol :) …I plan on having fun. But I also feel that “omission is betrayal” to a certain extent, and I want any kind of relationship to be built on honesty from the get-go.

    I am not looking for someone to be a dad to my kids, per se, because they have a great dad already….my ex is very involved in their lives, and we’ve remained cordial and cooperative. I have done a lot of soul-searching and self-work over the past 2 years or so, and feel at a place where I want a man, not necessarily “needing” a man, if that makes sense. :)

    I guess I feel like being a mom is a big part of who I am, and it is a big piece of “life” information that someone needs to know so that they can decide if it’s something that they can handle. If the tables were turned and I was single/no kids….and let’s say he failed to tell me that he was a single dad because “it never came up”…I would feel betrayed in a way and would also feel disconnected because it’s a big part of someone’s life.

    And “approach” was probably the wrong word to use…because that’s leaning forward, right? LOL :)

    I’ve seen posts on here that some of you are single moms too — when or how did that topic come up? When is the appropriate time? 1st date…2nd date?….

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 7:26pm

  261. 261: WinnieNo Gravatar says:

    FW, so glad that your father is out of the hospital, mine is too: )

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 7:29pm

  262. 262: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    232 Winnie. Great points.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 7:30pm

  263. 263: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Winnie I have to admit when I first started paying attention to him I was mostly Warrior in my emotional style. As I became more and more intimate with me I realize it was a mask I had developed and believed because of an unconscious need to protect myself. I grew up in a family that in a nutshell I was rejected as not good enough and unworthy of love. As I began to peel the layers off I realized I did not like the warrior and mourned its death. I have come to accept that I prefer and feel like the Lover and have tried to develop the Queen. Dr. Paul’s concepts are a bit difficult and challenging for me or it might just might be me not wanting to do the work. I remember when first checking I was more on the Warrior/Queen side but felt it was not a real reflection of who I am. Thanks for suggesting I review the material and building up on my strengths. Another Siren has recommended that so I guess it is really time for me to focus on that.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 7:32pm

  264. 264: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    SirenJen let it be organic. Mom is not the only title you wear. I have also seen other coaches mention that guys feel they are competing with the kids because the woman keeps bringing it up. They recommend not mentioning it. You might be wanting to be honest and upfront, there will be a lot of time for that. Guys however could view that as you already seeing them as husband and father which could initiate the eeeeewwwww response from them, is what I have read.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 7:35pm

  265. 265: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Winnie glad to hear your father is doing okay too.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 7:36pm

  266. 266: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    252. Exactly, FW. And how many times do women here say “uh oh! so and so had such and such experience and now I don’t know what to think about RR concepts!” – that is confirmation bias NOT in action.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 7:39pm

  267. 267: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy I appreciate you working through the discussion with me. I have to admit my first impression of you was snappy and dismissive when I was new to the blog. But you have certainly helped me, I believe twice now, to work through differences that might have normally escalated into conflict for me. I really am getting a sense that I can fight without losing a friend and to bring an energy to the discussion that matches the “crime”. That is big for me as I used to fight and totally write people off for life. I have learnt from Dr. Paul that indicates the level of maturity and boundary strength or weakness. Thanks again.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 7:41pm

  268. 268: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Hi all! I feel so appreciative of Rori and the openness, freedom, and support that she offers here. Wow! I feel so inspired by her.

    I don’t feel all that triggered by what EMK said here.

    I am personally not a fan of his tone. It doesn’t really trigger me, just kind of turns me off.

    I do believe that he means well and has some valuable ideas to share.

    I too, felt a little triggered by a few responses to him that I saw here. For me, it is a bit like disrespecting Rori. She invited him here and has been gracious in her responses to him. It inspires me to do the same. I don’t mean to be judgmental of anyone here. We all have certain things that trigger us. I totally get that.

    Mostly I feel thankful for the discussion and happy that we can all find clarity about what cd-ing means to us.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 7:43pm

  269. 269: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I have read about a concept of “the relationship” not having to be on the line just because there is disagreement. That was a concept that was foreign to me. I have experienced my mother walking away emotionally for days when there is a disagreement. I have learnt from John Gottman and Gay Hendricks the concept of “turning towards” a partner and responding to “emotional bids” to heal relationship disagreements. This to me was an example of this concept that I am learning to embrace and practice. I guess though in such times men become emotionally “flooded” and end up walking away or withdrawing.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 7:46pm

  270. 270: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    FW re 269

    oh my gosh! I am learning that too. I always thought a fight meant it was over. I feel so free seeing how disagreements can actually bring people closer.

    Also, the emotional bids… I’m working on that too. LI often makes emotional bids to move on from a disagreement first. I tend to cling to my anger and closed heart. It takes me longer to let go and let love back in.

    I’m trying to do less of that and to keep my heart open during disagreements.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 7:52pm

  271. 271: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    FW – thanks. I feel embarrassed reading your first impression of me.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 7:52pm

  272. 272: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy I should also add that at one point in time when you were hurting because of some comments here I felt your humanity and now I feel like we are kindred spirits. I really do appreciate you.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 7:53pm

  273. 273: WinnieNo Gravatar says:

    FW, I always feel comfortable reading your posts on the blog, I think because there are many similarities in our styles.

    You come across to me as being a Queen personality, one who is nuturing and advising, and one that others come to for advice and also left brain dominant, in that you gather facts and evidence to back up your advice. I don’t think that you should try to shut down that side of you at all.

    Dr Paul also says that when taking KWML quizzes, people often identify with a different personality style because those are the traits that they are trying to develop more in themselves.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 7:54pm

  274. 274: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    FW: I haven’t heard about leaning towards the person and emotional bids before but I immediately resonated with it.

    Can you give me more info about where you read this? I saw the two coaches you mentioned. Did you by chance here it on the summit talks?

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 7:55pm

  275. 275: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Please don’t it was my impression and though they say impression is everything you were able to help me change that impression, I was obviously wrong. Many times we misunderstand people because we don’t give them a chance to show themselves in relationships. I guess it goes to show that when cdating we should really pay attention to the type of first impression we create as suggested by Bob Grant. He tells a story about someone who made a first impression on a guy from across the room that she was totally unconscious of. Two years later he looked up the girl when he was ready to get married and she was his “one”.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 7:56pm

  276. 276: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I have also had that experience of disagreement/conflict ending a relationship. However, my parents have always been a great example of the Gottman and Hendricks concepts you mentioned. They are both strong and smart and wise and passionate – and have many disagreements – but always work things out and love each other deeply and completely.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 7:57pm

  277. 277: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    There is a class at my church that uses John Gottman’s cds. I actually recommended it to the teacher and because he is a licensed counselor he was able to purchase the material. In it he talks about the emotional bids but I read it in his book The Relationship Solution but I have read several of his books. In turning towards your partner Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks have an awesome practice where they recommend physically facing your partner after an argument and sitting there for a few minutes until your body rhythms synchronize with each other again and you start experiencing each others as friends. I did something similar in a Landmark Forum a few years ago. It was so emotionally baring and profound that several people in the group broke out crying as they faced each other though they were complete strangers before the Forum. It seems that as we face each other and look into each others eyes without talking and just experience each other we touch both our humanity and our divinity and it becomes clear that we really are connected. I know it was more than you asked for but I find each coach has a different strength and outlook on things that is really rewarding.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 8:03pm

  278. 278: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I have an interview with Relationship Experts I believe I got from CCarter that has Gay Hendricks explaining the exercise but if I am not mistaken when you sign up on his website it might be one of the freebies that is given away.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 8:05pm

  279. 279: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Wow Lucy that was touching. It is no wonder you so passionately want a rewarding relationship of your own.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 8:07pm

  280. 280: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 273 Thanks Winnie for that reminder in being intimate with oneself so that one can really flourish and share oneself in a relationship. I have been convinced that I should develop those other sides to be more rounded but have procrastinated because of fear of success I guess. I also have a Lover/Queen female in my circle of friends and have been a bit judgemental of her ease in crying and maybe a little jealous of her ease with being feminine. I have learnt a lot from her though now that I am here on Rori’s blog. And yes I intend to do that work to develop that rounded personality. Balance is important to me.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 8:11pm

  281. 281: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 270 LG remember how Rori encourages us to find out anger. I have seen her saying it can bring people closer. I can say the same thing about CCarter and Gay Hendricks, though Hendricks say it in a slightly different way. I have to say there are people in my life that I have had big disagreements/fall out with who are now bffs. Funny how things were eh.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 8:15pm

  282. 282: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    how things “work”, typo. I have many of those but have learnt to laugh at myself.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 8:15pm

  283. 283: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I finally read all the way up to comment #1. Camile, I like what you wrote there. The bit about doodling names together made me smile. :) Several women have mentioned the cooking question. I don’t like to cook, and my ex didn’t cook at all, so I always cooked. My sister’s hubby does almost all the cooking in their home. My dad always cooked breakfast and made the coffee before mom even got out of bed. :) But mom always cooked dinner.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 8:55pm

  284. 284: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Hi beautiful ladies…I’m catching up on the blog posts of past several hours and wanted to reply to a couple of waay earlier posts:

    #6 femenergylove I’m sorry I don’t know why I didn’t see this post earlier! ((Hugs)) to you and I’m sorry you were having a hard time. ;-( Your post really touched me because you just described, almost EXACTLY, how I spend some of my days off!!!! I get so sad and lonely, I hade it.

    It’s a weird feeling in the pit of my gut when I feel lonely and want to reach out to the “unavailable one” who I am still chemically and physically attached to…even though we are not even seeing each other at the moment…he is in the midst of a looong divorce, so I had to cut him loose. But…I’ve done the same thing…call him to find his phone is off….then leave him alone so he can sort things out, only to NOT hear from him whatsoever, even though our last meeting was sweet and romantic and close (but not necessarily sex) etc etc…. SIGH

    At that point, I feel like I need some support and reach out to my friends…and nobody answers the phone. I end up going home and watching TV in bed and feeling sad.

    I hate this feeling.

    One thing that’s helped me pull out of it is being good to myself by doing my nails or something else nice to myself. Even though sometimes I don’t even feel like it….I try to do something and then thank myself like Daria does…I love that….:-) it does help. Just a suggestion.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:02pm

  285. 285: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy is your daughter any better?

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:04pm

  286. 286: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    #20 femininewoman, I hope your Dad recovers quickly. ((hugs)) to you and you sound like a very caring daughter.

    I think as women, Dads are so important to us! I still feel like a little girl when I am with my Dads…regardless of the baggage in tow….and I want to be happy and embrace that.

    #27 Lillybelle …you want to be the GIRL not the MAN…good for you and stick to your guns miss siren!!!!!
    Thanks to this blog and all you sirens….I averted a near tragic online dating mishap….one guy asked me to meet him halfway….and I decided not to take him up on the invite. He doesn’t live THAT far either! I got kind of annoyed then let it go…and just moved on, but I was THIS close to replying and saying sure I will meet you!
    I had to snap out of my old habit and catch myself…becaues I could hear you sirens telling me “don’t travel to him, he has to come to you!”

    This guy was not all that anyway….I love men…..but this one I had to throw back….haha

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:09pm

  287. 287: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    *Dad not Dads…LOL I only have one!! :-D

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:10pm

  288. 288: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    272 FW, thanks. I appreciate you too. <3

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:10pm

  289. 289: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    273 Winnie, I agree. I appreciate FW’s straightforward style and attention to words. I tend to also be a “say what you mean and mean what you say” kinda gal. I am still learning to communicate better w ppl who are not like that – my daughter especially, who has told me, “Listen to my heart, not my words.” Poignant. It’s challenging for me though, as it’s so different from how I communicate with great respect for and attention to the actual words. Love for my daughter compels me to learn. :)

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:21pm

  290. 290: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    FW, my daughter is back at school with IV antibiotics. Not much better yet – and in fact coughed up a lot of blood yesterday. :( She is a brave and beautiful girl… wow, I’m crying now. I love her so much and want for her to have some healthy happy days. She too wants a boy to love. Thank you for asking. I am glad that your father is doing better. <3

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:26pm

  291. 291: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Back from my dinner and a movie date. Nice restaurant, fun movie – Catherine Deneuve and Gerard Depardieu (!!) – new comedy and they are amazing as always.

    I didn’t like him ;)

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:30pm

  292. 292: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    SIRENS…..
    I want to share with you something that happened on the online dating site I recently subscribed to. A man contacted me, that on paper is totally my type, but not necessarily my physical type…but he was very charming, smart and persistent in his dialogues with me…so I responded. I thought hmmm.. I will give this a try and see what happens.

    We exchanged a few emails and then phone numbers (he asked)…this is the same man that I asked you ladies for advice about when he asked for my number…what to say…

    Anyway, then he called and left a message, I didn’t pick up the phone because I didn’t recognize the number. In the message, he asked me to send photos.

    I returned his call and left a message….and sent him really cute pics of me, at least *I* thought they were…and after that he deleted me from his favorites and I haven’t heard from him!

    LOL…I know it is ok. But just weird…this online dating thing. I don’t know what to do but laugh sometimes!

    Apparently, I was not his physical type after all…or not sure why he changed his mind so quickly…I felt kinda insecure about it. But it’s ok…just kinda funny.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:30pm

  293. 293: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    #291 Alonka, I love your honesty. Glad you liked the movie though!

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:31pm

  294. 294: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    Antibiotics may take a few days to kick in? Perhaps your girl can do some sort of online dating too?

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:32pm

  295. 295: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    286: Emerson says:
    “I think as women, Dads are so important to us! I still feel like a little girl when I am with my Dads…”

    283: Lucy says:
    “My dad always cooked breakfast and made the coffee before mom even got out of bed. But mom always cooked dinner.”

    It was the same in my family Lucy, the funny thing was though that my sister and I used to compete with each other for the chance to help Dad with cooking breakfast, but had no interest what-so-ever in helping Mum with making dinner – that just seemed like a chore! Sorry Mum; )

    I was still thinking about Lucy’s comment when I read yours Emerson, Dads are SO important. I think that is one of the reasons I have been so uncomfortable about setting out to start a family on my own as many of my friends are urging me to do. There are a few tears as I write this, because I would dearly love to have a child before it is too late (may already be) but I know deep down that I am doing what is right for me and I will wait until there is a “father” in the picture.

    ps New name, but not a new siren, just thought that I needed a bit more anonymity here.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:36pm

  296. 296: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    BTW I do have pics on my online profile on the dating site…so he had an idea of what I look like…but he was asking for more.

    Not to be conceited but I’ve been told I don’t look 39 and that I’m a good looking woman…I get a few looks from men, even when I have a few extra pounds on me I just get really curvy!

    I love my curves.
    Thank you Emerson for exercising this week.
    Thank you Emerson for taking care of my taxes.
    Thank you Emerson for buying me new makeup so you can look your best.
    Thank you Emerson for taking me out to have coffee and read.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:36pm

  297. 297: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson,

    In these situations I always think – in the moment it’s sort of unpleasant, but the truth is that tomorrow I may remember it for 2 mins out of my 24-hour day. the day after tomorrow for 50 sec and then forget it ever happened.

    I would not send photos on voicemail request. Why? It doesn’t feel good somehow. Wouldn’t bother. To call him back and talk – yes.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:36pm

  298. 298: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    About courage, authenticity, vulnerability, letting go of control etc…

    http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

    xxx

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:38pm

  299. 299: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Alonka…
    I agree with you. I will not do that again….send pictures. I’m just reacting to his request and knee jerk sent them. Durr…not very sirenish.
    I’m learning.
    Baby steps.

    RE: the pictures, yes, it feels weird now that I am just thinking of it.

    EW.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:40pm

  300. 300: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    emerson,

    ‘I’ve been told I don’t look 39 and that I’m a good looking woman’ – feels confusing to read. I did not question how pretty or young looking you are. I assumed by default that you are really pretty. I was strongly questioning his behavior and his nerve to leave a request on your voicemail to send your photos as his first communication with you.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:41pm

  301. 301: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Alonka…I think I sent that post before I read yours…so I wasn’t responding to yours and I didn’t take your prior comment that way at all. ;-) Thanks for clarifying though. ;-)

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:43pm

  302. 302: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    and thanks for your kind words of support!! Yes i guess he had some nerve asking for the pictures!!
    And thanks for assuming that I am pretty!! ;-)
    I think all women are beutiful regardless of age!!
    Beautiful sirens.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:45pm

  303. 303: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    LonePlum,

    Was wondering if you saw Potiche yet ;) It’s fun!

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:45pm

  304. 304: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    One thing about tonight that I’m not so happy about – was too lazy to practice the tools. I just knew he wasn’t my type and didn’t go for it.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:47pm

  305. 305: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy

    I hope the antibiotics will start working soon and your daughter gets a break, bless her heart.

    xxx

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:48pm

  306. 306: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    295 River Girl, I want a family as well, and I’m not getting any younger either. eeek…sometimes I get scared it may never happen. I’m being patient for the right guy though.

    I feel you are being true to yourself and your beliefs and values and choosing carefully the Dad for your children.
    Smart Siren!!!

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:48pm

  307. 307: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson :( Sorry that happened with the pics. :( RiverGirl … a new mystery … I wonder who you are… :) Alonka – She tried a bit of okcupid and pof, but didn’t like it at all. Yes, hopefully the antibiotics will kick in soon. Thanks for caring. <3

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:49pm

  308. 308: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson,

    Yes, that’s how it felt to me right away – a red flag. A good decent guy would have more respect, consideration and be eager to talk to you once he got your number. Then he would ask you out to see if there’s chemistry. Not request more photos delivered. lol

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:51pm

  309. 309: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Lucy! ;-)

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:53pm

  310. 310: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    I’m not an expert at all, but POF seems to have a lot of players? Are there any dating sites for nice normal young people?

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:55pm

  311. 311: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    LOL…thanks Alonka. I really appreciate it! I don’t know why I feel obliged to send pictures anyway! Sheesh.

    Annoyed with myself.

    Argh…I feel so dating incompetent sometimes.

    I’m so naiive.

    I want to be a siren, not naiive.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:55pm

  312. 312: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Loneplum, thank you so much. I’m crying again… I can’t even imagine what it’s like to live 23 years with very few days of feeling good physically. :(

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 9:58pm

  313. 313: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    Alonka

    No, I have not seen it.
    I don’t like the sight of Depardieu. Nor his tone of voice.
    Was it fun?

    xxx

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:00pm

  314. 314: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson, it’s all experience! Learning myself every day. Plus it’s easier to see things straight from the outside.

    I bet next photo lover will get your ‘due to popular demand all catalogues have been distributed. Your queue number is 12645243657′.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:03pm

  315. 315: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    314 Yay..Now I am laughing…. :-D

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:04pm

  316. 316: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    LonePlum,

    Oh I see. Catherine Deneuve is so beautiful. But he is a big part of this movie, you wouldn’t probably enjoy it if you don’t like him.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:06pm

  317. 317: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Alonka – “nice normal young people” Lol. :) The paying sites may have a better selection, but she doesn’t want to spend the money. She did try to do eharmony but they rejected her, which hurt her feelings and we have no idea what their problem was! – but Dorothea (a siren who hasn’t been around much lately) said they rejected her too.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:08pm

  318. 318: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    How can eharmony ‘reject’ you? Did they give their reason? Do they not have matches for her?

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:10pm

  319. 319: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    They would not give a reason. I even emailed them about it. Dorothea said that for her she figured it was bc she didn’t fit into any of their “boxes” (if I remember correctly) so maybe it was the same for my daughter, I don’t know.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:16pm

  320. 320: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    That is so weird about eharmony. I had no idea.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:21pm

  321. 321: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel mostly at peace right now about the whole Evan thing – but honestly a bit afraid of it getting stirred up again if/when others (maybe even Evan!) read my bold comments from today. I don’t like conflict. And I don’t want to feel bad. Big breath. It will be okay no matter what, Lucy.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:22pm

  322. 322: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    HI ladies :) What a long day… I took the girls to softball, went to my friends housewarming party and then met a high school friend I haven’t seen in 19 years for dinner. It was nice to see him, he lives in California now and is in the navy. We had a nice time catching up.

    Sirenjen, I wouldn’t worry, I’m sure an opportunity will come up during your date where you can mention you are a mother. Something as simple as him asking how your weekend was, could be an opportunity to say, oh it was great …. we went to the park, etc. I remember your previous post about wanting to be completely honest with him, and telling him you asked the choir teacher to put in a good word for you.. and then again today, you want to be completely honest about being a mother…. it’s good to be honest, but I wouldn’t worry about what information you haven’t given him yet. If there hasn’t been an opportunity for it to come up, you weren’t omitting anything. Besides, do you really think he wouldn’t want to meet you for dinner just because you have children? It’s just dinner, you aren’t planning a life with him yet. You might meet him in person, see he’s rude to the waiter or doesn’t tip the waitress, or chews with his mouth open or doesn’t look like his pictures, or is on his cell phone the whole time… and decide all on your own that he’s not right for you. :) Just go with it, be honest, but I wouldn’t make a big deal about telling him, or contact him before the date because you feel like you need to be honest. Unless he asked you if you have kids and you said no, you aren’t being dishonest.

    I am a single mom, and most dates I’ve been on have resulted from being online, or with old friends, friends of a friend, etc. so they’ve all known before our dates that I’m a mom. It’s written on my dating profile, because I feel the same as you, it’s part of who I am. I used to lead with it…

    Divorced, single mom of two girls…. blah blah blah…

    Now, it starts with…
    Hi everyone… I’m an attractive, kind, outgoing and positive person. I am from a large family, have a nice group of friends, and two beautiful girls of my own. (8 and 10) It would be nice to meet someone special to share free time with. Then I talk about my hobbies and interests, and what I’m looking for.

    Hope this helps! :)

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:42pm

  323. 323: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    316 Lucy

    I can’t either. It is so unfair.
    She was lucky to be born your daughter. Your love is the medicine without which she could not make it

    xxx

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:47pm

  324. 324: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy I’m sorry about your daughter. I cannot imagine.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:50pm

  325. 325: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t mean sorry like pity but I empathize with you and her both.

    I grew up with a sister who has been ill her whole life. She’s on meds and doing ok, but it’s always a battle. It gets tiring/sad.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:51pm

  326. 326: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    I have heard from a few men that they were rejected from Eharmony… no idea why they do that. I tried it for 3 months, only met one guy, who wasn’t my type, but I wanted to be open to it, even though I wasn’t attracted to him, but apparently I wasn’t his type either. He sent me a text right after our date to tell me that, lol. Which wasn’t even really a date. i was out with friends for the 4th of July, he had no plans, no one to go watch fireworks with, so I invited him along… sheesh :)

    I have had the best success with POF. I’ve gone out with probably at least 10 people I’ve met on there. Some were fun, two I really liked, none were terrible, just a few who lied about their age. The paying sites, I think have fake profiles on there to draw you in, and a lot of people leave their profiles up, even when they are no longer active, so it’s frustrating when they send you a match, and the person isn’t even active. When I cancelled my membership, I started getting tons of emails, winks, etc. It was ridiculous.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:54pm

  327. 327: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Lucy, I think we should just drop the Evan thing. At this point, it’s like beating a dead horse to keep discussing it. There are two perspectives here, I am just taking it as that. I hope your daughter feels better soon too :) Thinking of you both.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:56pm

  328. 328: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Alonka, sorry you didn’t like your date, but at least you enjoyed the movie :)

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:58pm

  329. 329: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Goodnight sirens :) Zoo tomorrow… and I need sleep!

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 10:58pm

  330. 330: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Hey you all….my new blog partner wrote another post and it’s cracking me up; wanted to share it with everyone because ummm, well, do you all think I would’ve written a post called Be Patient with Life??? rofl….the perfection of the Universe with a sense of humor….

    Hope all are well, happy and fixing to be “tucked” sweetly into sleep….

    sleepytime tea for all!

    Night sirens and darlings and divas!

    Be Patient with Life

    Or

    How to End Up Happy

    I do not make resolutions as those, by definition, are things to “keep” which sets me up for failure cause I have a problem with letting things go that no longer serve me. (see last blog) Instead, I make a list of things to let go of. I write them out separately on little slips of paper and then burn them. Now how to make this work for my TO list? Simple, keep three lists. The one with the items that need to be done and the list of items you would like to be done. The third I will discuss later.

    Example: when making a list of things to do in a room during spring house cleaning, which does not necessarily come every year: I write out items such as: wash down the walls and floors. On the second list, I write out items like: sand and re-finish the floor or items I come across while cleaning like scrape out the old caulking around the window panes and re-caulk.

    When I am done with my first list, I look over the second list. If I can actually do an item now, in a minimal amount of time, without causing a delay in getting to the other rooms and I still want to do it (It has to meet all four of the criteria.), then I go ahead and do it and mark it off the list. If not, I write each item down on a separate slip of paper then I either burn the slip, give it to my husband (so he can throw it away and three years later when the window pane falls out ask why I did not tell him it needed re-caulked.) or put it on my “wish” list; the third one I was speaking of earlier.

    This third list can be important. It contains items such as “buy new curtains for the living room.” I washed, dried and re-hung the curtains that were in the living room in order to finish the spring house cleaning but I did not like it. I wanted new curtains. However, I am not going to stop production so I can go out shopping for the next three days looking for the perfect pair and in so doing, come back with bag after bag of other things I found that I like/need/want for that or a separate room now or sometime in the future when I get to it. No, I put it on my “wish” list. Now I wait for the magic to happen.

    While out shopping for floor wax for the next room on my list or any other responsibility that causes me to be out shopping, I expect to happen upon the perfect set of curtains for the living room and I can then purchase them. They will not be something I just happened across and decided I liked or had to have and brought home but don’t know what exactly to do with; that is “junk”. Junk is bought to fill up a empty hole in myself that then becomes a burden to unload at a later date. No, the curtains will be an item on my “wish” list, something I desire the universe to put in my path. It is not a huge list of all that I desire for now and in the future but a sincere list of things that I have a place for right now in my life and I am willing to be patient for it to appear.

    Putting new curtains on my list does not mean that I will find them but that I am patient with life as it occurs. But what does that mean?

    It means that while waiting patiently for the curtains to arrive in my path, a crack occurred in the long wall of the living room. This then had to be fixed by cutting out a large portion of drywall in the middle of the wall and ceiling in order to fix the beam that was cracked and then re-painting the entire living room with a new and exciting color to match the pair of curtains I just saw the other day and wished I could have but passed on as they did not match the old drab color of the living room. This makes me happy. Forget that I just washed the walls and the floor, waxed and polished.. I put in the effort where it was due and I received a new living room that I know is clean underneath. All is well.

    See re-painting the whole room was on my list I let go of as, I (actually my husband) did not have the time or inclination to re-paint a room whose color was fine but I was no longer fond of.

    Now, had I been impatient and ran out and spent money as well as the many hours or days searching for curtains in order to finish the room instead of putting it on my “wish” list, I would have been left with two options neither of which would have made me happy.

    Option 1: Re-painting the patch the same old drab color (that would never actually match the old portion left) so as to go with the newly purchased curtains that I had invested quite a bit of time and money on. Then, after spending countless painstaking hours in cleaning. scrubbing. polishing, etc., I am now left with a room not only a drab color but with a patch in the middle of it. Wholly dissatisfied.

    Option 2: Painting with a new and exiting color as I wanted in the first place and knowing exactly where to find the perfect curtains to go with it as I had just seen them the other day which leaves me with giving away the newly purchased curtains. This would have left me feeling angry at wasting the time and money on them which leads me to feeling angry that I wasted all that time cleaning as well which again would have left me dissatisfied.

    So be patient with life. Go about your business, do what needs to be done and take steps toward that brighter future but be patient and allow the universe to either catch up with you or for it to show you a better way; larger than your original desire and end up happy.

    Adrian.

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 11:02pm

  331. 331: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    210: SirenJen

    He did not ask anything when you emailed on facebook and neither of you told anything about the years gone back since school. So you have not kept anything from him.

    He will either see your kids or toys when he picks you up and will ask if you have children.

    Or during the convo in the restaurant, it will come out naturally while both of you exchange the main events of your life since school.
    He might surprise you and tell you he got 5 kids from 3 women ;)

    xxx

    Saturday, 9 April 2011 @ 11:17pm

  332. 332: JimNo Gravatar says:

    Rori,

    “While you’re practicing with men – their response is not important in any way except to HELP you, to guide you to undoing old patterns and experimenting with new things and shifting your vibe to what will work SO much better for you in the long run.”

    That means…
    It doesn’t matter what men think or feel while you are practicing on them. Nice work! :-(

    Jim

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 1:55am

  333. 333: femenergyloveNo Gravatar says:

    i’ve been here before.my attitude stinks right now.i want attention,dont want to reach out for it,to anyone!but i want it!i’m not enjoying the journey.i dont like where i am.ugh.i’m hurting.i’m hurting.i’m hurting.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 3:10am

  334. 334: femenergyloveNo Gravatar says:

    stinkin thinkin…stinkin thinkin

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 3:51am

  335. 335: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Jim re 332,

    I think Rori means that it doesn’t matter if your leaning forward/back as a woman, and practisinig the tools causes men to respond positively and come forward, or negatively and run the other way!

    We can learn what works. Which is better for everyone in the long run.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 4:30am

  336. 336: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    femenergylove,

    big hugs. please be kind to yourself.

    this too shall pass – and sometimes it passes slowly and painfully, like a kidney stone. A bit of warped humor that I hope will make you smile a little. Do some nice things for/with yourself. Spoil you. Did you see Luzydel’s me/myself/I post? Was priceless.

    Be the attention and friend you long for. Give yourself what you want/need from others. Soon you will attract it from other sources.

    summerbaby

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 5:35am

  337. 337: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise,

    Nice posts ;)

    Yes, I didn’t like a few of my dates lately and neither of them failed to invite me over (or try to come over to my place) on the 1st dinner date. Are they nuts?? Complete disconnect from reality lol. I wonder what they’re used to. No actually I don’t..

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 5:57am

  338. 338: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy~

    You and your daughter have been heavily in my thoughts and continue to be.

    What a blessed young lady she is to have you for her mom..and you to have her for your daughter.

    ~Lil

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 6:01am

  339. 339: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    317: Lucy

    I was wondering if it would be a technical bug?
    May be she could try from another computer?
    Have you read this?
    http://help-singles.eharmony.com/app/answers/detail/a_id/1994/c/33/r_id/166

    xxx

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 6:21am

  340. 340: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    317 Lucy

    and this one?
    http://help-singles.eharmony.com/app/answers/detail/a_id/713/c/33/r_id/166

    xxx

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 6:21am

  341. 341: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    I wonder if eharmony has enough under 30 customers.. somehow feel that it’s more for boring older people lol (including myself)

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 6:37am

  342. 342: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Good morning sirens. I’d actually like to go back to bed, but told the girls I’d take them to the zoo today. They have baby tigers we haven’t seen yet, so very excited! :) It’s going to be 79 degrees here later today, but is still chilly out now.

    I hope everyone has a blessed, relaxing and wonderful day. I haven’t heard from Todd since Friday, so not sure if he’s still planning on bumping into us, but not worried about it either way. Just happy to enjoy the day with my girls :)

    *** Alonka, no never ceases to amaze me either.. yuck!!! :)

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 6:57am

  343. 343: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    I’d be very excited about baby tigers too!

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 7:04am

  344. 344: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    333 femenergylove

    Sending hugs to you

    I like what summerbaby said…to be the friend to yourself.

    I’ve been practicing this, I did it yesterday and it did help me feel better. I really just wanted company when I was studying/shopping/eating. But all my friends are too busy. So I just went on my own.

    There are times when I just want someone to reach out to me and meet my needs and check on me, so I hear what you are saying.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 7:40am

  345. 345: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Experimenting is the key word in this article. All day yesterday I struggled with sending GAASB an e-mail thanking him for a night dinner on Friday. I remember Alonka asking that same question a few days ago and she was advised not too. But just remembering a comment he mentioned the other night about me possibly dating others and forgetting about him, I decided this morning to send a one-line e-mail letting him know I enjoyed my leftovers yesterday. I know, very lean forward, but I did it anyway. I got an e-mail back from him asking if everything was OK or did he do or say anything out of line and to please clue him in. Now mind you this is a very confident manly man, so it surprised me that he was asking that type of feedback and he was waiting for some type of communication from me. So in this case, I am glad I leaned forward as I hope I get the chance to explore more with him but I will not continue to lean forward.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 8:04am

  346. 346: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Femenergylove,

    (((((Hugs)))))

    We have all been there so I know how you feel. Just remember your feeling is temporary and you are waiting for the right one, not just “anyone”. It is hard being patient, I know….do some things that make you happy, focus on you and how you can make you feel better, not how someone else can make you feel better.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 8:08am

  347. 347: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    T-Girl,

    Sounds great! Happy that you followed your gut feeling ;) Not everything depend on us, I feel sometimes that the decision of no contact no matter of what is controlling it too much.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 8:13am

  348. 348: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    Me and Myself are going out again today; we are going to the city for some ballroom dancing and socializing with friends.

    Last night myself was thinking about what is it to love one’s self? Me think it starts as a painful and lonely process; it is not as easy as those sappy slogans tell us. Loving ones self is to go deep inside our soul and do an inventory. It feels scary, lonely and painful because we have to face those things we try to hide, with online dating and compulsive shopping and even meaningless sex.
    Loving oneself start with not being afraid that no one will be with us, not being afraid that we will end up alone.

    Myself and Me are having a lot of fun, but myself had to give the “no girlfriend speech” to Me…

    Myself said…”I really enjoy your company and I am feeling empowered with your presence, but I cannot spend all my time with you, I want to keep my options open”…

    Me said…”You don’t get it silly, I have been with you all this time, you just been ignoring me; It was more important to you to browse dating sites, to meet P, D, and all these men than to spend time with me, I am not mad, I forgive you. Remember that none of these men can give you what I can. And even if you decide again to meet and date another man, I will be here; I will just appreciate that when that time comes you do not ignore me I am not going anywhere”…

    Myself promised Me to not ignore her again, and was thankful to Me for not leaving her…

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 8:25am

  349. 349: life_is_too_short_toNo Gravatar says:

    Luzydel

    I am so impressed! Yes, Yes, Yes!
    First we have to explore and find out with ourselves why exactly we want a relationship. You said:”
    Loving oneself starts with not being afraid that no one will be with us, not being afraid that we will end up alone.”
    If we are looking for love and security from outside ourselves, we will constantly be disappointed.
    This is why I like Rori’s concept of CDing oneself and all kinds of people, not for the purpose of finding a man, but for seeing self love reflected in everyone.

    This doesn’t mean that we give up our good sense and discrimination as to the kind of people that we go into relationship with.

    I loved your CDing me myself and me post very much!

    xxoo

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 8:47am

  350. 350: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    347 Luzydel thank you for this post. It spoke to me.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 8:57am

  351. 351: life_is_too_short_toNo Gravatar says:

    I am in the process of making a radical shift in my belief system about equating sex and love and sex and intimacy. Sexual intimacy is only a small percentage of the intimacy in a good healthy relationship, and I am taking most of the focus off it. It is very fun and experiencing earth shattering orgasms is fun, so, if i want that, I can get it, but I’m not going to tangle it up with love relationship, commitment, etc. It is definitely not to be used as a way to get love or to create intimacy. Now that I have renewed my commitment to self-love, I am not going to be looking for any outside relationship with a man in order to “get love” any longer. What happens, happens. I will be able to see and feel love reflected in everyone. If a love relationship with one man is to happen, it will occur from that. If it doesn’t happen, I will be perfectly fine with that too. Not only that, but it will not be an indication that I am not a “magnet for manlove” or anything like that. It is just that my goal for myself is to be perfectly fine with whatever is happening at all times. This is a big turnaround from what I was saying here not too long ago, how time was running out. I think soon Iam going to be changing my handle here from LITS to something else soon. :-)

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 9:07am

  352. 352: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Hmmm I am feeling frustrated right now… like no matter how hard I try nothing ever really changes.

    I feel stuck again.

    Like I have gone backwards.

    Mainly because I lost 1/2 a stone, which was my weight loss goal, and now I have put it all back on again.

    And I am feeling frustrated in general right now too.

    With work, and men, money etc…

    I just seem to be so far from where I would like to be.

    I feel really vulnerable right now.

    And so fed up that I put the weight back on. But its like a programme. I feel good I lose that last 1/2 stone (I don’t need to lose much but look soooo much better when I lose this last bit), then life gets stressful and I get burnt out and tired and bam, I eat lots of rubbish and within a few days to 1 week it is all back on again.

    And I do it to myself.

    I know change is a process, and yet I am sick of always slipping up.

    And having got down to my ideal weight, and now put it back on so quickly I now feel flabby and unattractive!

    Grrrrr.

    It is also tied into working so hard, cus I want to make my businesses work.

    I know all this is just to do with an attutude shift and breaking a few bad patterns.

    It helps loads when I cut out sugar, reduce drinking and curb the carbs.

    Also when I exercise loads.

    There are certain scenarios that trigger me to eat lots of junk, one of them is marking student work.

    I just need a better way to approach this where it doesn’t feel so stressful, then maybe I won’t reach for then junk.

    It is also about planning meals bc sometimes my mum’s partner cooks pies and sausages in the evenings just as I am finishing work and I am really hungry.

    So rather than cook something healthy I tend to get stuck into these!

    I know what I need to do and I can do it.

    But once I am there I want to stay there (at my target weight).

    The other thing is I am sure it is a way of keeping men away a bit too.

    I still have massive fear about letting people close, I have been coming to realise that recently.

    And also that I struggle sometimes with self esteem and NVs.

    I got triggered in the week by this guy coming up and he drinks in the pub where Mr B works, or he used to. He was with the girl that Mr B used to talk about, but they had a volatile relationship and broke up.

    Well I saw him the other day and he was asking me loads of stuff about whether Mr B and that girl are together! Well I don’t bloody know!

    Then he asks me out. Thing is I do not feel good about this. Mr B had told me they broke up cus he was violent with her. That was part of why Mr B used to talk about her quite a lot, cus she would come to him crying when they had had arguements.

    Anyway, this felt very triggerinig for me.. and I think it has been niggling me ever since.

    I don’t want to think about whether he is with her!

    GRRRRRRRR – I feel enraged.

    Need some Daria logic of that if he was attracted to me he still is.

    Feel like a fat, miserable failure right now.

    Also still feel like I am excuding a desperate vibe still :-(

    I have not been doing any leaning forward with men… I won’t let myself, but still don’t feel my vibe is there.

    I practiced holding eye contact at the supermarket today and I was super rubbish at it! It felt extra terrifying.

    I feel like a guy is going to point at me and say something like ‘who do you think you are! You could never have me! – you are just a desperate loser!’

    Ick!

    Finding it hard to find the self love right now.

    Trying to look after myself.

    I know this all sounds doom and gloom, and I just wanted to be honest.

    I know it is just a phase and it can change on a dime, it just doesn’t seem to be changing much for me right now and it is all my own fault!

    Feeling sorry for self.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 9:07am

  353. 353: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    :wacko:
    http://www.facebook.com/pages/I-Need-1-Million-People-To-Join-For-Paul-To-Marry-Me-Cmon-Guys-Help-Me-Lol/186717444701326?sk=wall

    xxx

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 9:15am

  354. 354: life_is_too_short_toNo Gravatar says:

    To SLV
    I wanted to apologize for making an assumption about your motivations. What I did to you was exactly what is to be avoided doing with the men, thinking we know what they are thinking and why, convinced we are right, playing therapist, giving unasked for advice, etc. I see that you are trying to set the record straight as to what actually were the issues. I also thought it was uncalled for for EMK to say links to his stuff shouldnt be posted here.
    Anyway, I am over it. Hope there will be no bad blood remaining between us, and we can continue to soldier onwards in many more new and fresh moments.

    xxoo

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 9:21am

  355. 355: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    Re: #352

    Sounds like someone(s) desperate for attention. Bleh.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 9:44am

  356. 356: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    LIFE: hi! :-)

    Luzydel: I love hearing about the love affair between you and yourself!

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 9:55am

  357. 357: maliNo Gravatar says:

    Darling Ella: I know I have trouble with my weight, too. And feel crappy when I put on just a little. But when that happens, I focus on the things that I already have a lot of self love for. People tell me I have a beautiful smile, so I look at that in the mirror. And ask myself “Who wouldn’t wanna date someone with that smile?”
    And then extend it to the face:
    “Who wouldn’t wanna date somoene with that face?”
    And then extend it to the whole body.
    It really helps for me to actually feel and touch my body: all those curves. I’d love to lose a little, but I really do love my curves. I feel warm and feminine.
    With/without extra weight, you are still you. And that means you are uber lovable and uber sexy :)

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 10:33am

  358. 358: maliNo Gravatar says:

    Also, Luzydel: Absolutely loved your post!! Lovelovelove it!

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 10:35am

  359. 359: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t know if anyone remembers me being upset that SexyOlderGuy blocked my texts…well, I just heard from him via text. He didn’t block me afterall. I didn’t ask for details why his texts were being blocked, but was so excited to see he was thinking about me. Maybe his rubber band is snapping back?

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 10:49am

  360. 360: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks ladies for your support. I read all of your comments on the last thread.

    I agree, I’m being a bit of a door mat. Too accommodating, too patient, too forgiving. Leaving like that without so much as a word as to his whereabouts- not fair.

    He finally came home on Friday night around 2:30 in the morning. He said he went into his office, grabbed some stuff to read, his mp3 player, and sat in the park to “cool off.” As to why he did not answer the phone- he “didn’t notice it.” I said that his disappearance was not cool and that I deserve to be treated better.

    Summerbaby:
    “I would stir things up. Don’t be so convenient.”

    I like this advice. I think that is the dynamic I have created for myself. Here I am twisting myself into a pretzel and basically just accepting and enabling the bad behavior.

    “Poor baby has to grow up and he feels he missed out because he rushed into school/career/marriage? Gimme a break.”

    That’s exactly how I’m feeling right now. As if he didn’t make his own choices along the way! He seemed perfectly happy with those choices for the past 9.5 years. Now it’s suddenly MY fault that he “missed out on life.” Uh… I thought we had a great life! How many other guys have a wife that financially and emotionally supports them and moves to different countries and different cities so that he can get the education he wants? How many guys have a really pretty wife that actually wants to have MORE sex? He gets fed really well (I’m a great cook) his laundry gets done, he rarely has to clean up around the house. I’m smart, funny and love to have fun. And I was HAPPY to do all of this. Sheesh! Give me a break! He totally just doesn’t appreciate me.

    “We get ourselves all entrenched around a guy and he doesn’t value us because he knows he’s the most important thing in our lives. Time to knock him off the pedastal and put yourself first.”

    EXACTLY! I needed to hear that!

    Feminewoman:
    “I am here wondering if you have considered physical separation”

    I think this might be difficult, especially if I am to start this new job. I had a really good second interview and have been asked to go for some “assessments” on Monday and to provide my references. So I think my chances are good to receive an offer at this point. (…one big yay! :) ) Perhaps this will help me take my focus off of him even more, which may help. If I had the money, I would hop on a plane right now to a sunny destination and relax and revive myself for at least a week. That’s not really doable, but I can definitely make myself a little bit scarce in the next while.

    Turquoise3:
    I’m looking into the 2nd car. If I get this job, that will become more of possibility. On Friday night, I had this moment where I asked myself if I wanted to leave, how COULD I leave? I was physically stranded. I didn’t like feeling so powerless in that situation.
    ——–

    I was reading some stuff by Alison Armstrong, where she describes the male phases of development. She said it’s typical for men in their early 30’s to suddenly take a look at themselves and say “I have nothing!” This causes a little existential crisis where they reevaluate what they want out of life. Unfortunately, I think because of the tough time I’ve been having adapting to the move, him working all the time, and me being out of work, I was “attached” to the thought of things not being good enough.

    Seriously, the thing that’s so sad about all of this is that the previous 9.5 years had been near “perfect.” That’s why I’m still hoping that things can turn around.

    I see some overall progress if I look back over the past month or so. But it has really been a roller-coaster ride because one day I feel like he’s beginning to step up and the next minute he’s taking off until 2:30 in the morning in the car, or getting completely slobbering drunk at a mutual friend’s birthday and behaving like an idiot. (He’s never done that before).

    I think I need to give myself a timeline whereby if things are not better, or at least to the point where I could feel happier staying than leaving, then I will make a decision to leave.

    This feels a little “one foot in and one foot out” though… I don’t want to have that vibe. I also need to be careful not to have a bitter energy as I am doing things for myself and being less convenient. I still want to be receptive and available, but I don’t want him to have the impression that he can just do whatever he wants and I will just put up with it. I think I need a little help figuring out how to do this with the right energy.

    Well… this is a really long post, but I wanted to thank the above sirens as well as all of the others who have helped me along this rocky path.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 11:04am

  361. 361: LercomariNo Gravatar says:

    I feel sort of happy now but also disappointed in myself. I crossed one of my boundaries. The guy who I was suppose to meet for a date this week, we’ve been in touch and I like him a lot. The boundary…well, we had phone sex. I didn’t want to go this far with him but…well you know how when you tell a guy “I’m waiting until such and such time to have sex” and he says, “It’s okay, we can wait until you’re ready” and it’s like the sexiest thing that you’ve ever heard? It was kinda like that. lol. So I let my guard down and we ended up phone sexing. I know that he likes me a lot, but we just met like a week ago and we haven’t even been on a date yet. HtRYW ebook says that if you go “too far” with a guy, don’t try to take it back, just do things different from now on…so I think I will re-read that part of the book.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 11:11am

  362. 362: MelNo Gravatar says:

    This seems REALLY interesting!

    http://www.wishsummit.com/calls

    “Are you sick and tired of watching men turn their heads for the *other* woman walking down the street? Did your relationship start our fresh and frisky, but now is stuck flat llining in fizzle mode.

    If your man’s power tools are getting more fondling than your fabulous body, it’s time to talk, gifrlfriend. Because the only way this can happen is if you’ve fallen out of touch with your sexy, authentic and feminine essence. But you’re in luck, Ladies. Its time for you to tease your inner tigress and bring her out to play again.

    Allana Pratt is fiesty, she’s frisky and delicious and she’s going to tell it like it is and pass on to you the secrets of atracting the love and attention you deserve! “

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 11:19am

  363. 363: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Mali re 356

    Was this for me?

    If so thank you!

    :-) xoxox

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 12:35pm

  364. 364: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Where is everyone today?

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 12:36pm

  365. 365: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    T girl that is amazing! I totally remember and am happy for you – wonder what’s up with the time gap?

    Lercomari – that’s great advice and it’s not like you did what you said you wouldn’t do…you did something different, and it doesn’t mean you’ll ….well you might! Cuz even if you did…that’s NOT chasing, smile. And it might turn out just fine.

    Hiya, Mel – glad to hear about things and have you here.

    Hi Ella!

    I’ve been thinking about this – does anyone really think they’ve chase a guy? I haven’t….I mean I’ve called my ex repeatedly during an arguement….but as far as pursuing someone to have a relationship? Never. I don’t call them, I don’t text ‘em, I don’t appear overly concerned about where they are or what they’re doing, I indicate what I want and see what happens…

    The closest I can come would be IF the act of sex were chasing – sex seems to be like fishing? You CATCH them.

    heeeheeee….

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 1:06pm

  366. 366: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Sirens
    X sent me a long mail to say he is getting married in two months.
    That he is sorry.
    That i am messing my life by not doing my phd and not doing things and staying indoors
    I am shattred
    I feel so so shattered
    That before going he stabbed his last stab.
    Tears tears
    Meemee

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 1:29pm

  367. 367: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    This is what he said: he can not help me anymore. I should get over this by going out and meeting people.
    I am getting married. i can not be there for any help. Not that i was of any help to you anyway.
    You dont achieve anything by staying indoors. Please go ahead with your life and deal with your problems. I am not there anymore. Please do not trouble me with any of your health or other issues. I can give you financial help if you need. Nothing more than that.

    I am shocked. I am shocked he could hurt me once more with his mail.
    I am in tears
    I am feeling real real pain
    Meemee

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 1:37pm

  368. 368: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    And he invited me for a dinner this wednesday so that we can spend some time together and talk.
    Meemee

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 1:40pm

  369. 369: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Memee,

    Oh my goodness – I am so sorry!

    I feel shocked too. I don’t even know what to say… except thank goodness you are away from this selfish, selfish man!

    But I know that doesn’t ease the pain right now.

    However I hope in years to come you will look back and think what a lucky escape you had!

    Is there anyone (friends of family) you can turn to for support right now?

    Massive hugs to you.

    xxxxxx

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 1:41pm

  370. 370: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    367

    WHAT!!!!

    Is he crazy… he just told you not to bother him with your problems, and now he is inviting you to dinner!!??

    Ok, and breath – yep, I am triggered.

    Memee, what are you going to do?

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 1:43pm

  371. 371: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Jacqueline

    Hello! :-)

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 1:43pm

  372. 372: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    I am here getting over the pregancy and the abortion and all the related trauma he has caused.
    He is there telling me he is getting married and he does not want me to trouble him or spoil his new found life and i should stay away.
    I am so shocked, and humiliated and insulted and deeply wounded,
    Meemee

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 1:45pm

  373. 373: SammieNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee,

    Hugs to you! It’s been a long road with X. One thing though is it doesn’t sound like he can do nothing more to hurt you after this point. And, you have healed at so many points of this journey.

    I love Rori’s work and it is so valuable. I have also found lately that the “Calling in the One” work is very helpful. There is a book and a course that will start in one week. And, it can be used in more ways than in looking for one’s soul mate. Erika Awakening wrote a very favorable blog on it also.

    xoxoxo

    Sammie

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 1:46pm

  374. 374: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Sirens
    I wish i were dead this moment.
    I wish i had something with me that will help me now to take my life.
    I dont want to feel this hurt and humiliation anymore
    I really dont want to
    I feel life someone just spat on my face.
    Meemee

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 1:51pm

  375. 375: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Memee,

    Please call someone and talk to them now. Don’t go through this on your own. One of your friends or family or even a helpline – someone will want the chance to be there for you.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 1:54pm

  376. 376: maliNo Gravatar says:

    Drling Ella re 362: It was indeed, and you’re more than welcome! :)

    Today has been a fantastic day- weather’s been gorgeous, and I’m getting through my studying (Go me!)
    I’m just practising being open, and it feels oh-so good.
    *content sigh* My tummy feels huuuge after that carby meal I’ve eaten, but it feels soft to touch.
    Dear tummy, I know you like staying put, but I’m sorry to say you’ll be gone in a few days… watch out!

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 1:54pm

  377. 377: SammieNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee,

    Do you have anyone there you can go be with right now? It sounds like you need some immediate comfort! Are there places you can go to or call when feeling desperate about life in India? Here in the states there are. Is there anyone there who you have been discussing x with?

    Sammie

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 1:56pm

  378. 378: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    its 2 am here.
    i am alone
    too late to call or talk to anyone
    Meemee

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 1:59pm

  379. 379: femenergyloveNo Gravatar says:

    meemee
    go ahead and cry and hurt.we love you.and nothing i say will make it better.but even as you lay on the floor in pain,i hold your hand.squeeze as hard as you can,i will take it.forget being strong.just be weak,go ahead and be weak.but dont end your life.
    love love love you.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 2:02pm

  380. 380: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Mali,

    Hey. :-)

    Just to say me and Darling Ella are 2 different people!

    xoxoxox

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 2:04pm

  381. 381: maliNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee: Even if you don’t have someone there, you have us on here. Keep posting.
    If you want to tell us what’s bothering you, then speaking on behalf of the Sirens here, we’re open to it.

    You are a Siren: a beautiful, feeling creature. You are YOU: who else would you want to be? And why would you want to take life- what is such an incredible gift to us- away? I felt so sad reading your post

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 2:05pm

  382. 382: maliNo Gravatar says:

    Ella re 379: Haha ooops! Thanks for letting me know: my inner ditz was completely oblivious to that!

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 2:07pm

  383. 383: SammieNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee,

    If part of you is wanting to hurt x back. Remember that the best way is for him to find out what a wonderful life you have created for yourself.

    You had a shock. It will get soooo much better. But, you have to walk through it.

    I agree with others…Keep posting…and cry, work, walk through it with sirens at your side.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 2:17pm

  384. 384: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    So in the spirit of being open and authentic if I saw B would it be ok for me to say to him ‘I miss you and I feel sad not seeing you’ – even though I can’t even contemplate getting back with him?

    I am not going to seek him out or contact him, cus I realise that it is not Sireny or useful to initiate and lean forward.

    But last time I saw him and he gave me a lift home, we just drove in silence, and I had all these feelings and wanted to say stuff but I was trying to lean back and felt overwhelmed so I ended up saying something lame like ‘erm I wanted to talk to you cus I didn’t want things to be akward’.

    I would never think to actually tell him how I really felt cus I somehow thought this would be leaning forward.

    Now I think I have this scrambled.

    How I actually feel is sad that we don’t hang out anymore and I miss him but also very resistant to the thought of ‘being’ with him or of somehow being sucked back into being with him.

    Ie: I still feel that I couldn’t actually have a relationship with him as things were, nor would I want to (I wasn’t planning to tell him this part – or at least not unless it came up in discussion).

    But it doesn’t change the missing him a bit feeling.

    And as I am typing this I am also feeling kinda angry.

    I mean dang him, he hasn’t exactly pushed the boat out to try and fix things or make me feel good or see where I am at!

    Grrr, b8stard!

    Hmmm maybe far to much leanback type man for me.

    Ick in fact!

    Blech.

    And what I am learning here is that being open and authentic can mean saying how we feel, even if it is complicated and risky, and even if it doesn’t make any sense.

    Such as missing someone even when I have decided not to be in a relationship with them…

    Yay, that feels like a helpful discovery.

    Thank you Universe I am open to keep learning.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 2:49pm

  385. 385: maliNo Gravatar says:

    Ella,
    Something just crossed my mind while I was reading your post- surely we need to be authentic, but open to receiving rather than initiating?
    I may be wrong, but the impression that I’ve gotten from Rori’s work is that, even when you find yourself in a situation such as complete silence when you’re with a man, you should wait for him to initiate the conversation? Is that true?
    I personally wouldn’t feel comfortable telling a man what I was feeling if he didn’t atleast try and make conversation! ;)

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 2:55pm

  386. 386: maliNo Gravatar says:

    Random musings: I remember the last “date” I went on…
    I didn’t try and make conversation. Was very feminine, and leaned baaack.
    It felt, strange and a little scary, but good to know that the man was making an effort in trying to come up with so many different things to talk about! What a lovely man =)
    And… I looked HOT

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 3:01pm

  387. 387: Katarina PhangNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee, I’m so sorry. This too shall pass. You can add me on facebook http://www.facebook.com/katarina.phang. I talk a lot about this thing: heartbreak, suffering, heartache, expectations, wanting to be in control, etc…

    It may help you ease the pain a little bit.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 3:03pm

  388. 388: LercomariNo Gravatar says:

    @Jacqueline 364

    Thanks for your words..you always make me feel better. :) I really like this guy…I mean really really like. So I’m confident our date will go well. Maybe we will actually have sex…I really want to and he really wants to…I guess it will just depend on the circumstances. I think I am willing to take that risk with him and see where it goes.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 3:07pm

  389. 389: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Lercomari – sounds great! I like it, you’ll be a siren success story. In the moment…choosing what feels good to you. When he inevitably falls at your feet, please don’t leave us. I love that you own your sexuality! Smile!

    Memee…I feel like writing an open letter to you – if I, who am twice as old as you and have lived with someone else for a year and a half still wonder wtH? about my ex marrying for whatever reason – a babysitter, to throw a 32 year old in his daughter’s face cuz he couldn’t have me…cuz he hated me? even…if I wake up and wonder about it, I can only imagine what this will be like for you. I really really want to NOT have this be something that traumatizes you and skews your view of basic human dignity for the rest of your life, and I don’t know how to make that happen.

    Please let me know if I can help in any way…sleep is good….rest darlingest…..

    xo
    J

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 3:40pm

  390. 390: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    I cried and cried and cried.
    I cried as i never cried before.
    Now i have a very practical question.
    I have spent hell lot money on the abortion and the related scanning and treatment. I had a bad infection after that and was under treatment for that too.
    He paid only half the expenses. In his mail he made it very clear that he will give me money for all that expenses.
    Should I or should I not take that money from him?

    I have spent a lot of my scholarship money on that. Should I take money?

    A part of me says i should not. Another part of me says I should not mix emotions with money and should make him pay for it.
    Meemee

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 3:55pm

  391. 391: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I can’t tell you what to do, but I think he should pay for all the treatment you required. He should be ashamed not to.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 3:58pm

  392. 392: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Meemee, my heart breaks when I see you type those things obviously in such pain. No man is worth that pain. I wish I could give you a big hug.

    And darn right…take his money! But not if it brings more bad emotions trying to collect it. Then maybe it isn’t worth the hassle.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 4:20pm

  393. 393: sweetmandmNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee- I am so so sorry for what you are going through!! I send you warm hugs and prayers!!! I think you should accept the money, as it is his responsibility as a man to take care of that (my belief)!

    You are very valuable and if you asked any of your family and friends the question- what your importance is to them, I’m sure they would tell you some lovely things to hear. A counselor once told me to do that and you know what? It totally felt good and worked. Please don’t let the way he is treating you now determine your value….please , please! I have been there myself and thank God I have found my way out of that on more than one occassion!

    Ditto, “keep posting here!” Let it all out hear! we won’t get tired of hearing from you! This is a safe place. I have found it to be.

    I send you prayers and loving thoughts and I know you will be feeling better with time. You just take one day at a time and get through each one using all of the best resources that you can find at the moment. Getting through the night and the early morning hours are ALWAYS the most difficult for me in hard times!

    I also know what it’s like to feel alone, even if you’re not.

    XXOO

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 4:22pm

  394. 394: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @353: life_is_too_short_to

    Thank you for your kind words. I apologize for the disrespectful talk and dirty language I used toward you, and the name calling too. It was not nice; please forgive me. I hope to do better in the future and I’m working toward improving my communication skills.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 4:29pm

  395. 395: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    I am watching Eat, Pray, Love for the first time and had to pause it because the tears are flowing. OMGoodness, I didn’t expect this. To relate in so many ways to the character! I must get the book, there are so many good things in the movie, I can imagine the book will be even more.

    Meemee…I am hugging you.

    ~Lil

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 4:34pm

  396. 396: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @353: life_is_too_short_to says:
    “…I also thought it was uncalled for EMK to say links to his stuff shouldn’t be posted here….”

    I have to catch up on posts so don’t know if anyone mentioned but… I believe the request not to post was only for newsletter articles not links. Posting links is OK with him as far as I know…I don’t know about Rori; it’s her blog.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 4:41pm

  397. 397: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    Here is an email I received today from someone on Match:

    *ahem* and I quote:

    “To bad you live so far that is one nice set of boobs you got but I kind of live far away”

    ~Lil

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 4:41pm

  398. 398: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @396: Lilybelle says:

    “To bad you live so far that is one nice set of boobs you got but I kind of live far away”

    What a charmer…my kind of dreamboat. LOL

    xoxo
    SLV

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 4:54pm

  399. 399: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    397:

    Seriously, I am so happy he lives so far away..Otherwise, I may have been tempted to invite him over so he can feast his eyes on my set.

    LOL!!! ;-)

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 5:02pm

  400. 400: sweetmandmNo Gravatar says:

    @396 Lilybelle

    Ahahaha…

    Some classy dudes coming our way at times…ey ;)

    Hey, he was honest.

    Thanks for that post!

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 5:15pm

  401. 401: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    @ #398:

    Classic! rofl

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 5:31pm

  402. 402: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    you could have responded, “thank you. nice dick you DON’T have there,”

    xxoo

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 5:37pm

  403. 403: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    Naturally, I haven’t responded but I am tempted to use Tinque’s response.

    ;-)

    LOL!!!

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 5:38pm

  404. 404: SirenjenNo Gravatar says:

    I think I blew it tonight with ChoirDirectorMan….I felt sooooo nervous. Conversation was ok. I forgot to use my feeling messages most of the time…ugh! And he didn’t open my car door…or walk me to my door at the end of the date. And I didn’t speak up about it because I didn’t want to come across as a priss.

    He mentioned wanting to go out again towards the end of dinner…

    I feel so confused! I’ve never had this awkward of a date before…lol. Maybe he’s just a nice/shy guy?? I don’t know…

    This is why I hate dating…lol…maybe I’m just not ready.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 5:39pm

  405. 405: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “She was lucky to be born your daughter. Your love is the medicine without which she could not make it”

    Loneplum, thank you for such kind words.

    Emerson and Camile, thank you also.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 5:42pm

  406. 406: maliNo Gravatar says:

    Lilybelle Re 396:

    I’d probably like to write something along the lines of “Too bad you live so far- means I can’t give you a nice, biiiig
    SLAP” Lol!

    Reading that made me want to PUKE!

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 5:44pm

  407. 407: maliNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, Meemee- I send you so very many hugs *hugs you tight*

    I don’t know your situation, but what I did pick up on is you mentioning not mixing emotions?

    We are about emotions, and feelings- it makes us who we are, my love. So yes, do go on your feelings. I would say “on what feels right to you”, but I’m sure none of this feels “right”

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 5:48pm

  408. 408: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    I just found out my ex husband is deploying to Afghanistan AGAIN in May. He just got back in December. I honestly don’t know how much more of this my girls can take. I’m SO tired of them being hurt and disappointed, and afraid for him. He can’t retire until 2016, Caitlyn will be 16 then, and Chloe 13. I will basically have raised them completely by myself at that point. I am so tired of doing this all by myself, and I can’t even find a boyfriend to enjoy time with, let alone a future husband.

    Todd and his kids met as at the zoo today. Nice, but his teeth were terrible, yuck (black) and he had this straggly go-tee that he doesnt’ have in his pics. He texted me after to tell me how cool of a first meeting it was, wanted to know if I’d like to go on a date. I didn’t want to sound rude, said sure, but that my schedule was booked up for at least the next 10 days. I don’t want to date him. Why can’t I meet a guy that I’d actually WANT to kiss me?

    I MISS TOM. :(

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 5:48pm

  409. 409: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise,

    I’m so sorry it’s not easier. You know, my boy’s father and his family was never involved in any way, either emotionally or financially. Once I wanted a divorce 16 years ago, that was it. we don’t even know where they live. There is no contact whatsoever.

    I’m so to say this, but Tom betrayed you. We have to keep on looking and hoping, this is the only way.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 5:59pm

  410. 410: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Betrayed me? You mean by disappearing? Yeah, jerk. At least I liked kissing him though, lol.

    FFFFFFFUUUU######KKKKKKK…………… do things ever get easier????

    I’m so sorry to hear your sons dad and family aren’t involved. That must have been so hard. My ex pays a lot of support, loves the girls, takes them on trips, buys them expensive gadgets, he just has hardly any time with them because of his job, and some choices he made for himself. I know it could be worse, they just take it so hard. I might have to put them in counseling this time. Chloe pretty much cried for 10 months the last time he was deployed. She was so scared for him. Caitlyn holds her emotions in, but I know she hates the situation.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 6:05pm

  411. 411: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Loneplum, thanks for the eharmony links. I had discussed the issue in an email with their customer service rep, and they said that they do reject some people but they wouldn’t say why. Alonka indicated that maybe they don’t have enough members in the younger age group, and don’t want to accept someone who they don’t have many matches for — it would lower their success rates considerably and that would be bad for business!

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 6:05pm

  412. 412: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “I will basically have raised them completely by myself at that point. I am so tired of doing this all by myself, and I can’t even find a boyfriend to enjoy time with, let alone a future husband.” (Camile)

    I hear ya! That’s basically how it has been for us. When they were younger, I so much wanted to have a new husband partly so that they would have a father figure around and a good example of a healthy marriage. They are pretty much grown now. :(

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 6:11pm

  413. 413: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @401: tinque says:
    “…you could have responded, “thank you. nice dick you DON’T have there,”…”

    Oooh, naughty. LOL Better not get me started; I’ve been reading porn- ish ads and writing my own ads (definitely NON PORN) for the last hour.

    I’ve been taking the porn ones and kinda writing the opposite; a challenging game of sorts… :wink:

    xoxo
    SLV

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 6:22pm

  414. 414: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I am just catching up but
    F*CK X
    meemee, talk about being too good for someone.
    and yeah, take all the money he will give you for the abortion.
    f*ck him, he’s an idiot.
    i don’t care if name calling is not very sireny or nice, f*ck him in his stupid face. i hope he gets raped in the butt.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 6:23pm

  415. 415: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    lucy 319 – yeah that was exactly it. eharmony said they couldn’t profile me, i was all over the place. so they didn’t let me through.
    oh well:P

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 6:26pm

  416. 416: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea, you had me scrambling for the LIKE button there, girl!

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 6:27pm

  417. 417: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    415 is for 413

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 6:28pm

  418. 418: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    Myself and Me are exhausted, took the long drive back home just to think about things and reflect.
    Myself looked at her cell phone and some strange number sent her a text…”How are you Luv?” hmm, some people are starting to feel the love Me is giving to Myself…Myself Just ignored the message, men are not a priority right now. Myself wants to spent some time with Me alone. Myself Cannot date a man who cannot love her as much as Me.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 6:28pm

  419. 419: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    My son wants his laptop back. Boohoo. I had it for about an hour because I made him a mint chocolate chip milkshake. :)

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 6:30pm

  420. 420: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    Don’t hold back Dorothea :).

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 6:31pm

  421. 421: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Luzydel, I feel so inspired by what you are doing and writing now! Thank you for sharing with us. <3

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 6:32pm

  422. 422: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I am noticing that men who are in relationships, perhaps attending the same event as me with their women in tow, are noticing me and flirting with me.

    not the single guys…

    even when their women are in the same room or sitting right next to them, they are noticing me and complimenting me and even talking to me about if i am single and would i like to be set up with a good guy.

    or they just stare and smile.

    and i see their women try to be so nice and patient, but i feel guilty, for i know if i was in her shoes i would feel insecure and furious.

    their women seem pretty sireny themselves as they just lean back the whole time their guys are noticing me and flirting with me. maybe i am a blessing and a message to these couples to remind the women they are sirens too. like, these men are attracted to sirens, and they have sirens, but they’ve lost sight of that and are noticing a different siren for the moment.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 6:35pm

  423. 423: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Dorothea, I had that happen to me Friday night… was really a strange feeling. This really attractive guy kept smiling at me, staring at me, was a little unnerving because this beautiful woman sat across the table from him, they were clearly on a date, but I don’t think married. I can’t remember the last time I was checked out like that! Must have been my hot pink siren high heels….

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 6:42pm

  424. 424: sweetmandmNo Gravatar says:

    Ok, so I’m going to risk a little of vulnerability here and share some details and ask a few questions.

    I have been seeing this man (we are not yet in a declared relationship) since Sept. with the exception of a 2 month spell, in which he retreated because I used a Christian Carter line on him, ‘it’s obvious that you don’t know what to do with a different kind of woman once you’ve found one.” He obviously pondered that a while before coming back to me the two months later to say that he was sorry and it was never his intention to make me feel uncomfortable and that I was in his heart.

    Now this is a very good man I am talking about here and I am no longer projecting onto him the beliefs I have formed about men, ie. they always leave/they never step up enough in the first place, they are week n wimpy (ouch and sad), I am tired of the same old same old (which I understand NOW that it’s just men being men) whew….

    I do belive his intentions are good. I also believe that if he was moving any faster with me (like I have always been some kind of frustrated with) I would not be able to reflect enough and do the work I need to do with being vulnerable at all, or using feeling messages. He has been moving sooooo slow. I am no longer angry, hurt and frustrated in the same way,because I now have begun to see what my part is in it, although still not all that clear how, but the awareness that it is so much me is really there now. SCAREY but freeing and good :)

    Now, the work I have been doing is finally drawing this man into me closer and while I am happy to feel it and see it, there are some many things I don’t know about timing on. I have read the materials over and over, but I don’t know how to apply it appropriately and more so, the timing. We are not in relationship and yet I FEEL like he is more that a CD.

    I never call him, since Sept. never have. He initiates ALL texts for all this time. I have never had sex with him and while once we got close to starting that after a little too much wine, I asserted my boundaries, doing a very disconnected speech about if intentions other than friends are not stated then I don’t even want to be kissing or holding eachother for long periods of time on the couch. He has been very respectful of those boundaries. He took me out last Sunday and for the first itme HE paid and treated me like a girlfriend and texted me 2 days later thanking me and telling me how much he loved what we talked about. No calls all week, but then he called me to tell me he has been thinking about me and wanted to hear my voice. I know that he thinks of me. I JUST KNOW. It frustrates me that in all of this time he has not understood to call me and see how I’m doing. Up to recently we have been going without talking for two weeks in between, now it is down to one. He used to text me all the time, since I tiold him that I feel texting is not personal and he finally got it and agreed I barely receive those any more. I feel like I miss him when I don’t hear from him that much, I don’t feel that the time is right to express that to him. I analyze SO MUCH about timing of shared feeling and displaying my vulnerability, I know it is better in the moment but I don’t want to do it in the wrong moments or too soon. I am used to not sharing feelings and being vulnerable, especially with men I am interested in, because of the above mentioned.

    *If he is becoming more open and vulnerable with me, does that indicate that I am finally doing more right here with changing me?? Am I softening and becoming more warm and inviting? Do my newly found discoveries and beliefs about myself finally show on the outside.? Is my big sensitive womans heart finally showing it’s truth on the outside of me? Is he begining to see this movement in me?

    I am happy that he called and said all he said today. I am disapointed that he did not secure another shared face to face moment with me. I so look forward to having another wonderful day with him. I wanted to tell him,that last Sunday I felt safe and warm and happy with him, when he was talking about how wonderful the memories of that day are to him.

    I did tell him, that I felt really happy to hear from him and that I always enjoy talking with him. I wanted to tell him that I enjoyed his wisdom, but felt scared and that it would be too vulnerable ( a little regret now) but won’t beat myself up for it.

    I continue to CD which I am good at.Real intimacy with a man I am truly interested in, becoming better. I am becoming better for my practice with the ones who are not important to me. This man is special. I am scared he could be the man that stays. I am wanting to do intimacy and vulnerability on another level.

    I don’t even want to be his girlfriend. I want to be a wife. I am wanting him to move a little faster. I am wanting to be the me that I can be to draw him in to me and not keep him at an arms length with my old false truths.

    BUT
    not too quickly, while I am still needing a little time and space to work on me and alow myself the permission to feel and express. I am an artist, that should be easy. :) aahhhhhh….lol……

    He is a good man.
    He is not my past.
    He is not other men.
    He is strong (I need to focus on his strengths)
    He is different than me and that is not bad, JUST different.
    He is trying even though he has his own fears and his ARE VALID.
    He can be trusted OOOh (tough one)
    He can be trusted to lead us where we are going

    I still don’t know when it’s too much expression too fast, as it does not feel natural to me to be expressing in this way. It does however feel really good and freeing at times when I am aware I am doing it. ……and now I have come to the begining of my writing.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 6:42pm

  425. 425: sweetmandmNo Gravatar says:

    Oh and H the one above, closed the converstion today with he wishes me a good week. Like, ok, I guess it is possible that I won’t be hearing from him for another week. I know he is not dating others, he is a friend of a close guy friend of mine and his wife (also a good friend of mine). He is busy and he knows that I am. I am frustrated, because I actually want to be hearing from this one more often. I don’t know if I can or should express it in some way.

    Remind me why I’m not supossed to call him at all yet? I am waiting for a commitment? CC says not to let them do all of the work…..
    It’s been so many months. I always expect them to do the chasing in every way.

    Is that ok?

    My old boyfriend from some time ago, always said, ‘you never call me!” He did not marry me. He too was a good man! Just not ready to be a husband. a lot younger than myself.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 6:54pm

  426. 426: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    I don’t know sweetmandm, since September is a really long time to not have initiated a phone call. I am not sure what advice to give, I haven’t really heard a situation like yours yet, where someone has a long term CD…. but I haven’t been on here that long. I hope some more experienced sirens can help you.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 6:57pm

  427. 427: sweetmandmNo Gravatar says:

    @414 Dorothea-

    A friend of mine was not let into eharmoy’s site and a year and a half later she married a great man that she met outside of the internet dating world and she is VERY happy.

    Thought that might be encouraging! ;)

    HUG!

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 7:00pm

  428. 428: sweetmandmNo Gravatar says:

    turquoise-Thanks for the aknowledgement!

    Anyone else?! I told him that I did not want a boyfriend and what my boundaries are with guy friends. He respects the things I have said and so we haven’t even really kissed but the one time before I expressed my boundaries. He always comes close to it though. He now treats me more like a girlfriend since I am using these tools/resources. I know that the distance before it was because of me, but the intrest on his part was always still there. Mine too obviously. Now I am wanting more. Do I just keep using the tools in his presence and keep being me and that is good enough? The poor man has already met enough resistence and my being somewhat calculating and protective of myself. ?

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 7:12pm

  429. 429: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i have great luck offline. better than i ever had online. i told my grandma about the eharmony thing and whenever i visit her and the eharmony commercials come on the tv, she yells at the tv “if you don’t think my dorothea is good enough for you, then get off my tv!”
    hehe thanks grandma.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 7:14pm

  430. 430: sweetmandmNo Gravatar says:

    @ 428 LOL… That’s cute! Yay for grandmas who think we a the greatest beings on the planet!! ;)

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 7:17pm

  431. 431: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    sweetm
    hmmm, you won’t kiss him but you want to kiss him? maybe it’s just me, but a kiss doesn’t mean anything. it’s just a kiss. it feels good (usually and hopefully lol).
    it seems to me you’re so focused on the outcome (the type of relationship you want with him) that you’re overpolicing yourself in an attempt to control things and get the outcome you’re focused on. so withholding kisses becomes a game of sorts. and this could be a theme here for you.
    what do you think???

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 7:21pm

  432. 432: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    “Now I am wanting more. Do I just keep using the tools in his presence and keep being me and that is good enough?”

    yeah that’s exactly what you do. be sure and recheck in with yourself often about how you feel and who you “are” for the moment so that you can honor yourself and truly be yourself.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 7:26pm

  433. 433: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    MeeMee,
    I’m sorry to hear you in so much suffering.
    Those extreme negative emotions of wanting to escape your life are indicating that you have turned righteous anger inwards towards yourself, that should be directed at X. Also, he is counting on your feelings of shame and guilt so you will feel bad accepting money, even maybe turning it down completely. Accept it, under no circumstances turn it down. I would even ask for more. Use righteous anger to motivate you to stand up for what you need –right now– hit him where it hurts — his wallet. this is the only thing he understands right now, because he is too much of a self-centered jerk to understand anything else. Hold your head high, keep your wits about you. This guy is scum.

    xxoo

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 7:30pm

  434. 434: sweetmandmNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea, I wouldn’t say that I have been witholding kisses. It’s that I first was a little cold and didn’t let him get that close, but he kept coming around, guess he though I was interesting. Then when he came back after that 2 months I stated my boundaries in just being friends. Now I know that I had really confused this man a number of times prior to doing Rori’s tools and learning about my intimacy issues. Yes, now I want to kiss him and he comes close but doesn’t complete it ever, I am thinking that it might still have somethng to do with me, beyond just what I have stated about being more than friends. Don’t know what to do about all of it now….

    Yes, I’m getting better at conquering my fear of inimacy and controlling the situation to keep safe, but I don’t know if some of that is still there. I just don’t know. He and I have not had a converstion of where we are headed, but I did not care and was not ready for my feelings until just when he came back after the two month spell. That is only a few weeks then. The way he is moving towards me I am begining to feel overwhelmed with things I have not allowed myself to feel.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 7:33pm

  435. 435: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    Thank you, SLV, I appreciate that.

    All is well.

    back to our regularly scheduled program….

    :-)

    xxoo

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 7:36pm

  436. 436: sweetmandmNo Gravatar says:

    @431-Thanks!

    The real benefit to having the many days and spaces of silence in between, is that I can reflect and I am somewhat thankful for that time, often. To check in with my feelings and think about my newfound expression.

    HUG!

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 7:38pm

  437. 437: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Where is everyone tonight? Sleeping I guess… like I should be!

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 9:40pm

  438. 438: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Yes, it is unusually quiet on here tonight. Goodnight everyone!

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 9:43pm

  439. 439: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Lilybelle,

    Re#394

    Read the book Eat, Pray, Love if you liked the movie. The book goes into even more detail. I have the book sitting next to my bed. Bawled my eyes out when I read it. Felt that same connection to the character….

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 9:54pm

  440. 440: LDNo Gravatar says:

    I went through my phone tonight and deleted the numbers of any men I haven’t heard from in more than 4 weeks. I feel the need to clean house, both figuratively as with my phone and literally with my house….

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 9:56pm

  441. 441: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Days ago, a cute guy chatted me up in my lawyer’s office lobby. He asked for my number and hit me up today. He texted; not called. Already a bad sign, but I’m trying to be more open minded about the fact that people have no manners these days.

    Him: What are you doing right now?
    Me: Reading. And what about you?

    Then nothing. WTF???!!!!!

    Maybe I should’ve sounded more exciting by responding, “Just ramming two 12 inch dildos up my holes. It feels good to hear from you.”

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 10:32pm

  442. 442: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I give up. Seriously.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 10:34pm

  443. 443: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Hello sirens…I had a very productive day. Some work, then fun, then work again. This eveneing I feel pretty good at the end of the day with me and myself (as luzydel says!)

    I came to a pretty profound realization today. I woke up this morning kind of in a funk. I was feeling worried and strange. But I was not sure why. I’ve had a few older guys on the online dating site express some real interest in me. They are about ten years older, very respectful, successful, educated, etc.

    They’ve been pretty persistent in complimenting me and trying to get/keep my attention with emails back and forth during the past couple of days. I woke up this morning thinking about these guys and felt annoyed, scared, annoyed, cornered, anxious, weird and almost panicked!

    All day I thought about it off and on and it was bothering me, why did I feel this way? I think I figured it out. They have one thing in common: they are all caucasion.

    I have not dated a lot of caucasion men (I am european but I have dated men of Latin decent and happen to have long relationships with more than one in the past. It’s what I’m “used to”…but I’m trying to be open to all races.

    When I was growing up, the white guys in my community and school never liked me. They liked the skinny mini’s, and I was not fat but curvy. Also, my parents were foreign so I somehow got along better with the Mexican crowd…LOL. Plus thoses guys liked me, whereas the caucasions (my race) rejected me and were even rude to me! A lot! Stupid snobs!

    I think these white guys are possibly triggering my rejection button..they are good looking, successful, educated…etc…just like the white guys I went to school with. I grew up in an affluent area.

    I know race can be a touchy subject, but this was kind of a big deal for me to realize this today. I think it might be something I need to work on!

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 10:38pm

  444. 444: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn 440 and 441 you are so funny! Thank you for making me laugh. Oh you should text him that if he ever contacts you again!! hahahahaha

    Soo true and a bit irritating. That is what happens to me alll theee timmme….stupid texts instead of an actual call.

    I get so annoyed.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 10:45pm

  445. 445: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    439 LD
    good for you deleting those numbers!! good riddance!! I did something similar…but I changed all the numbers to the contact name “DO NOT ANSWER’ so I don’t mistakenly pick up a call from one of the bozos!!

    Sorry sirens if I sound a bit saucy tonight…just venting. I love men, it’s just that silly men get on my nerves at times…..

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 10:47pm

  446. 446: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn we can’t give up though. I know you didn’t mean it literally.
    We just forge on and keep CDing until we meet a guy that actually knows how to dial a phone and talk in the little speaker!!! LOL…I know they still exist.

    Oh…I am still laughing from your proposed text reply…hahhaha

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 10:49pm

  447. 447: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I feel more annoyed that he (who initiated the convo) didn’t respond after I responded.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 10:52pm

  448. 448: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Yep. I know what you mean. It’s a bit random. And rude of him.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 10:59pm

  449. 449: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Lol Kaitlyn. We all ought to write a book “Sassy Answers to Stupid Texts”

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 11:00pm

  450. 450: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    No. I really feel like giving up. You wouldn’t know it by looking at me, but the raw food, the gym, the size zero dress…it’s all for me because I’m the one who has to look at myself in the mirror. But I’ve been debating if life is worth it because my mistakes cost me someone I care about. Now Adam is wrapping up all his stuff to do (I imagine. No idea since I haven’t heard from him) because he’s going on tour for the summer. I feel so tempted to email or call him (chase. bad, i know) with all the ways I went wrong even before the Paris hooker gig. All because I felt he was out of my league. Funny, he used to always say I was out of his league. But explaining is chasing. And all I know is that no matter how much the rest of my life’s improved, I still cry and hate myself. It’d be fine with me if one night I accidently took too many pills.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 11:06pm

  451. 451: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    kaitlyn!! major (((hugs))) and much love to you!!
    Please please don’t be so hard on yourself.

    I remember your story. I know you regret your choice.
    But please forgive yourself!!!! I regret some things too, and at times…it really really hurts. I know it.
    But we are human, we make mistakes, we learn, and it will not always feel this bad. But I feel scared and worried for you talking about taking pills.
    :-(

    Is there anyone you can lean on for some support right now?? (obviously the sirens are here for you…but anyone besides us)

    much love to you! You are worth it! you sound like a knockout on the outside and a sweet amazing woman on the inside!!

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 11:13pm

  452. 452: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Nope. Just you all. My friends are sick and tired of listening and feel that by now I should be over him. I’m actually banned from mentioning him. When I try to meet other guys, I get made fun of for trying to replace him. There is no replacement. I’m just trying to go on a few dates and be social. I’m not expecting some great love story right now. Just whatever. No expectations.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 11:21pm

  453. 453: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn, thank you for sharing your feelings and being open. You are an amazing and beautiful lady, woman, female siren!! I give you a lot of credit for getting out there and dating.

    Sorry your friends are not supportive and my goodness nobody should be making fun of you for trying to get out there and meet new people!!!!

    For me, dating is HARD. I’ve always been in relationships, so I don’t really know what dating is!!!! I am learning and trying to understand how to do it. Sounds weird maybe, but I get really uncomfortable with the dating process in general. I’m used to instant boyfriend…haha just add water!!
    Anyway, I know what it’s like to be pining for someone. I’m trying to stop but admit I’m still a bit hung up on the “unavailable one”…..at times I really just wish I could be with him but ***sigh***….but no, I know he’s toxic.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 11:34pm

  454. 454: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn you have us…your siren sisters. Be good to yourself. Reject what feels bad. Stick with what you know is right for you!!! I have faith that things will turn around.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 11:36pm

  455. 455: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I like Rori’s take on not having “closure”…I don’t have the link handy but it’s one of the posts from not too long ago…I found it helpful.

    Much love to you.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 11:38pm

  456. 456: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    And when they ask me for dating advice, their response is, “Kaitlyn, you give the worst dating advice.” I”M TRYING. I”M SORRY, I JUST DONT KNOW. Then it’s “No, you don’t know, but you sure know how to ask me for advice about Adam.”

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 11:40pm

  457. 457: LercomariNo Gravatar says:

    @Jacqueline 388,

    When he inevitably falls at my feet..I really love that. :) lol . Thanks and I will stick around…thanks for making me feel so welcomed. It’s not easy for me to own my sexuality. I was raised in a very religious household where sex was viewed merely as something to wait until marriage for. Well I did that and my marriage didn’t work out. So I’m working on having a healthy viewpoint of sex. It’s something enjoyable and fun. And I respect my definition of sex, as a physical expression of passion between two people who really care about each other. I love my femininity and recognize myself as a sexual being. It still often unnerves me to talk about sex to to others, but here online and on this blog, I feel quite comfortable and open talking about it. :)
    I’ve been thinking about Techie all day…*sigh* Hurry up Friday! Did I mention he speaks French fluenty? *melts*

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 11:43pm

  458. 458: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    454 Like, I’ve read Rori’s ‘no closure’ entries a million times. I completely agree with her. That’s what has helped me NOT contact Adam at all, not even to end it since evidently a whore like me doesn’t deserve him telling me it’s over.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 11:43pm

  459. 459: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    kaitlyn, that sounds hurtful. I would feel sad if someone talked to me like that :-(

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 11:45pm

  460. 460: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    You are not a whore. You are a siren!
    You deserve ONLY the best treatment from friends, men, people!!

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 11:46pm

  461. 461: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Does he need me calling to wish him well on his tour and tell him how proud I am of him? No, because it’d be secondary to the real reason for calling- my low self-esteem.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 11:47pm

  462. 462: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    459 Nope. A cheating woman is a whore. A real Siren would’ve just broken up with him then she’d be free to go off on the job for she’d be a single woman.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 11:49pm

  463. 463: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I like what you said earlier, that explaining is another form of control.
    That was helpful to me, I’m glad you mentioned it.
    I am often tempted to call and ‘explain’ or ‘wish well’ but then I stop myself because I hear the sirens telling me noooo!!!
    :-)
    See? You DO give good advice.

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 11:49pm

  464. 464: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    461 I still say you are a siren and not a whore!!

    Sirens make mistakes, sirens learn from experiences, sirens are not perfect, but sirens forgive themselves too!!

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 11:51pm

  465. 465: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn:

    It breaks my heart to hear the way you talk about yourself. It feels horrible. I’m imagining that you would never allow someone else say those things to you, so why let your nasty voices say them?

    They are just thoughts you are having…they aren’t truths.

    The truth is you are good and worthy. I so wish you could see that.

    I see that you are practicing some of Rori’s tools, ie not contacting him, etc. But what about all the self love tools…that’s where the juice is. :-)

    (((hugs)))

    Sunday, 10 April 2011 @ 11:59pm

  466. 466: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    LG,

    Hi! Like! :-)

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 12:08am

  467. 467: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    He truly was THE ONE. I destroyed it. The more I got to know him, the more accomplishments of his I discovered. Dude is fricking brilliant. My low self-esteem got the best of me and I became critical twds him. I ruined it! This is a guy who dedicated his next published novel to me. It’s the most romantic thing a guy has ever done for me. Ever. (For Kaitlyn. If she decides to stick around.) I still have the pdf of the first 4 chapters. It’s beyond spellbound the way he writes.

    I bet my actions caused:

    That’s why he waited until 2pm to wish me Merry Christmas. That’s why his personal drama with his old rmate mattered more than me wanting my jacket back from their old house as Adam originally promised, only to slough the job off to another friend. That’s why picking up my xmas gift to him wasn’t as important as his career, his band, his family drama, his health. I still have no idea if he ever picked it up.

    I’ve never apologized for my actions. Just apologized heavily and repeatedly for accepting the Paris job albeit laced with telling him the list above making it his fault I didn’t feel secure in the relationship and that combined with long distance meant it’s predicted demise. He was so angry I was giving up on us.

    When I returned, he never returned my calls until finally when i asked him where I stand. I remember his taciturn “You tell me.”

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 12:11am

  468. 468: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    (((Kaitlyn))),

    Were you on the blog when Rosa’s Stop Sign tool was on the lead post for a new thread? I encourage you to apply it to these ripping, tearing, nasty voices that are eating you alive.

    When you hear negative thoughts and feelings like ones that tell you you’re a whore, How about picturing the stop sign, pause for 5 seconds, and replace it with a beautiful thought, “I am loveable and beautiful! I am worthy! I am accepted! I forgive you, Kaitlyn! I am all new. The past is the past, and today is a fresh opportunity for success and life and I am so glad I am alive! I honor me today!”

    What do you think/feel?

    Love, Brenda

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 12:13am

  469. 469: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn,

    RE: #449 – “It’d be fine with me if one night I accidently took too many pills.”

    I feel seriously concerned for you. How can we help you? Would it give you a sense of relief if you contacted him and explained? Maybe your peace of mind and wellbeing than not chasing at this point? I don’t know.

    I am glad you are venting here, and I just would like to know if there is anything I can do to help. I know the feeling of not wanting to live when losing the man who matters most.

    I want to take your pain, and I feel frustrated that I can’t. Can you give compassion to your weak parts? Please don’t hurt yourself. Please call a suicide hotline if you need to. I care, Kaitlyn.

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 12:20am

  470. 470: snowqueenNo Gravatar says:

    @260 sirenjen – I’m probably way behind and you’ve already had your date, but instead of being concerned that your having a child is a problem for him, how about thinking about whether he is going to be the kind of guy who is open to a woman with a child and be the kind of guy who you’d be comfortable to introduce to your child. If he’s not then discard and move on.

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 12:21am

  471. 471: snowqueenNo Gravatar says:

    @Lyzydel,

    I really enjoyed reading about your date with yourself – perhaps Rori could start a thread where we all post our dates with ourselves and what we learned about what we like and don’t like! I recently realised that I love classical music – I’d been choosing the classical station on my radio a lot and it suddenly struck me. I will never stop loving Patti Smith though – ‘if you wanna be a Rock n Roll Star …’ She is my idol. Cant’ really imagine Patti sitting around waiting for the phone to ring.

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 12:24am

  472. 472: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee,

    RE: #373 – “Sirens
    I wish i were dead this moment.
    I wish i had something with me that will help me now to take my life.
    I dont want to feel this hurt and humiliation anymore
    I really dont want to
    I feel life someone just spat on my face.
    Meemee”

    I feel seriously concerned for you. How can we help you? Would it give you a sense of relief if you contacted him and explained? Maybe your peace of mind and wellbeing than not chasing at this point? I don’t know.

    I am glad you are venting here, and I just would like to know if there is anything I can do to help. I know the feeling of not wanting to live when losing the man who matters most.

    I want to take your pain, and I feel frustrated that I can’t. Can you give compassion to your weak parts? Please don’t hurt yourself. Please call a suicide hotline if you need to. I care, Meemee.

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 12:25am

  473. 473: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn: ” My low self-esteem got the best of me and I became critical twds him.”

    That same “voice” that you said was critical of him is now being critical of you.

    How would it feel to quiet that voice down?

    Are you familiar with the stranger exercise?

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 12:27am

  474. 474: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Rosa Park’s stop sign or whatever is really a dear crossing sign that just tells me yeah i’m new again. new again to be without my dream guy i lost. just me and my std and my soon to be fading looks.

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 12:28am

  475. 475: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    what’s the stranger exercise? feels very existentialist. didn’t camus kill himself?

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 12:29am

  476. 476: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda: hi!
    (((hugs)))

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 12:30am

  477. 477: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    470 Have you read Patti Smith’s book ‘Kids’? Epic.

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 12:31am

  478. 478: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda,

    “I feel seriously concerned for you. How can we help you? Would it give you a sense of relief if you contacted him and explained? Maybe your peace of mind and wellbeing than not chasing at this point? I don’t know.”

    No. 1) because my vibe is low and he will feel that. 2) he leaves for tour in 2 days. he has a zillion things to do. when he’s in that mode, he’s in his cave and doesn’t like being bothered. read john gray for more explanation on the cave.

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 12:35am

  479. 479: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    LG

    “The truth is you are good and worthy. I so wish you could see that.”

    most people think i’m selfish. i just get by in life because they like my art and the favors i’m able to do for them.

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 12:43am

  480. 480: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    The stranger exercise….I’m super sleepy right now and I keep trying to find a way to explain it and I feel stuck. Daria explains it really well. I’m rubbing the genie lamp…Daria Daria Daria

    Basically it’s a way of embracing and integrating the “ugly” side of ourselves.

    We envision that “dark” par of ourself. What is she like? What does she look like? What does she say?

    From what I’ve heard you say maybe your stranger is a whore. Maybe she doesn’t care about anyone or anything other than taking care of herself. Maybe she is untouchable and has disease.

    Then we give the stranger a rose and tell her that we love her. We won’t abandon her. We acknowledge her strength and power. We find something to love about her.

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 12:44am

  481. 481: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn:

    “most people think i’m selfish. i just get by in life because they like my art and the favors i’m able to do for them.”

    ya right. I don’t believe you…and I mean that in the nicest way. :-)

    I trust my own judgement and I can tell that you have a huge heart.

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 12:46am

  482. 482: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn: I’m wondering what you feel passionate about in life?what brings you joy?

    Puppies? Nature? Fashion? Art? Beauty? Health? Any books that have touched you?

    What brings you to those moments where you feel in the flow of life and know that all is well?

    Wow! I just realized how many questions marks are in this post. :-)

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 12:54am

  483. 483: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    481

    fashion, photography, beauty, health. i feel the flow of life when i’m making money from photography. that’s it. sorry. i’m pretty boring.

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 1:00am

  484. 484: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    481 – kaitlyn u r so funny. That is another talent of yours, humor.

    I feel excited for when you will talk encouragingly to yourself you will blossom and have ao much you can teach from that place

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 1:05am

  485. 485: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel excited thunking about my past weekend. Men came through for me.

    I wore my goddess outfit that awed and scared my mom.. With my multicolor toe sox, black leggings with jagged cuts in them showing a red flower pattern under and red tube top w black mini leather jacket

    I went to a pimp and ho party and even tho I had on these sox and leggings – well actually Because my outfit was so daring in a laid back pijama rocker way –

    I got so much attention plus I felt awesome. People were asking my date who I was and complimenting him on me.

    Everyone had their eye on me.

    I was amazing cyz I trusted my taste – outrageous like chili skittles

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 1:10am

  486. 486: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m here. Yes.

    Imagine where the stranger lives: a casino? A swamp? A dungeon? A glass house?

    Go there. Wait for her to show up. It will likely feel scary Among other stuff when she does. What does she look like? Is she a monster? Is she a baby? Is she human? How do you feel? What’s she doing? How do you feel?

    Ask her her name. Tell her you ate sorry youe been ignoring her and are here and want to be her friend now. That you
    are in charge and will always listen to her. How does she react? Does she seem to trust you?

    Give her a rose. What happens?

    Give her a hug. What happens? Is she transforming? How do you feel?

    Ask her will she help you be more whole? What goes she say.

    Tell her goodbye and you will always hear her. Then leave. Feel what you feel leaving. Leave. Come back to this room, touch an object.

    How are you feeling? What insights do you have? What was it like?

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 1:17am

  487. 487: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I just did it. My stranger was the part of me I did not like, the part of me that i thought of as cruel and laughs at other peoples discomfort. This part wants to be better than my sister and gave my friends’ men.

    She was in a volcano slash basement and was cracking a whip saying brahahaha. She was human and like me now but bigger mire muscular.

    Her name was Amira.

    I felt scared of her and even flinched when she snapped her whip at me. I felt really uncomfortable and disconnected.

    When I gave her the rose she seemed to appreciate it.

    Then when I gave get the hug age held me tight abd I felt..like she was giving to me instead of me to her.

    My perception shifted and I saw how she’s actually here to give me power and make me strong.

    Then I felt good and safe that she’s on my side.

    When I left she was actually cool with it and said aright hills and threw up the deuces to me.I like her! I respect her!

    Awesome stuff… And shes gonna help me be more whole… So I feel excited to see how I will transform now that she’s integrated on my team.

    I fully accept her now.

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 1:28am

  488. 488: Celtic BlueNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee,

    I am so happy he is being married, it will terminate him from your existence, it is a GIFT to you from the Universe to get rid of his energy out of his life.

    X has been a dark energy cloud swirling around you, draining , sapping you , sucking you into a dark and lonely place and turning your thoughts to dark energy as well.

    I dont like to see you give him your power again. I have seen you happy and excited , going to another city to research and work and freeing yourself of his dark tentacles.

    Ask him to drop the money for you to a trusted friend at work . Dont meet him for dinner, remember the dark cloud that sucks the life out of you.

    I have much experience of this with G-man. The dark negative pain , the endless ruminations, the sickness and fear were all triggered by contact , ANY contact. In the end I realised that despite , love , friendship , sex the interaction was sucking out my life energy . I realised I could NOT see him again. i took steps to ensure he wont ever darken my soul again.
    I ask , can you do that with X ?

    I know this reads like drama , but it isnt , its a factual and actual “blackness ” that G cast over my life . Not that he is all bad, but for me he was VERY bad. X is the same for you.The thoughts of life being too hard to continue are symptoms of this black cloud of “X Fog” , dimming your vision and hiding your light.

    Come on Meemee and wake up now.
    The night is over.

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 4:52am

  489. 489: Celtic BlueNo Gravatar says:

    And Kaitlyn,

    Rosa says read the Stop Sign post as Brenda suggested .

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/heal-your-heart/a-great-tool-from-rosa-the-stop-sign/#comments

    It has techniques for stopping and changing negative thoughts and ruminations that are making you feel so bad.

    When you wish to stop it now of course. In your own good time.

    That will happen when you are as tired of the story as your friends are and decide to ban yourself from the habitual comfort of thinking and feeling that way again.

    It requires new thoughts which are indeed more comforting :)

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 5:01am

  490. 490: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    It seems the party is over in the other thread; I missed most of it and they decamped around midnight.

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 5:30am

  491. 491: HadassahNo Gravatar says:

    This is in reference to the previous post “The Circular Dating Argument” since I know we tend to go on to the newer posts!

    Just to get caught up here-

    @501-SLV-This is the same much older man that I started talking to in November and started dating in December.

    @506-Loneplum-I may very well send some wedding pics, or create an online album that I can share!

    @616 Alonka – I didn’t utilize the tools to change my man; I met this man after I started utilizing the tools. The ex that I decided I wanted no part of after finding Rori decided he wanted me to give him more time, but it was too late. I had started along the Rori way, found myself, and met Mr. Right. I started with the program hoping it would help me have the ex fall hard for me, but realized that I shouldn’t have to MAKE someone want me – they either love me or they don’t and I discovered he never would. So it helped me move on and do what was best for me.

    @674 Tina-The more you use the tools, the easier it gets. It doesn’t feel so unnatural. I worked and worked and WORKED at it, and then when it clicked t became like breathing to me. I’m not saying I don’t have moments where I clam up with my man versus telling him how I feel, but I get over it very quickly, take a deep breath, ask if we can talk, and go from there. It helps that he is a very good communicator and listener and that we really can just talk everything through fairly easily!

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 5:30am

  492. 492: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 439 yay LD. I believe in doing that, if only to stop myself from the temptation of calling them.

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 6:01am

  493. 493: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee I am wondering if it is the type of wedding where the ask “if anyone have any lawful impediment” or something or other like that, to say that these two should not get married. I would seriously consider going to that wedding and opening up my mouth if I were in your shoes. I understand you would be worried about getting stigmatized in your culture but it might help to put this type of thing out there so that future “x”s think twice about being non-chalant and hurting young girls in the future. I am sure a lot of this type of thing is underground there maybe because no one is willing to speak up.

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 6:04am

  494. 494: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 478 kaitlyn I have seen where CCarter suggests that selfish is good.

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 6:07am

  495. 495: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 350 LITS good for you, congrats.

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 6:07am

  496. 496: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    kaitlyn leaning back is partially about helping ourselves and moving away from bad feelings. I am wondering if it is possible for you to really focus on getting your vibe up in the next few days and then contact Adam. I sense you are in real pain so it seems whichever way you go you have the same feelings so I am not sure that leaning back is working for you. If he really loved you and is missing you now he might just be excited to hear from you if he has not moved on. What do you think?

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 6:19am

  497. 497: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    “Individually calling a man, or inviting him somewhere, or winking at him on match.com is not the issue here….these things can work fine – it’s the ENERGY, the INTENTION – your EMOTIONS and vibe behind your DOING it that’s the KEY here.”

    I’m very happy you said this. Nice reminder for those of us who do a little (or a lot) leaning forward somethings…that’s it’s okay. :-)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 6:23am

  498. 498: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    kaitlyn I might have used the wrong name, sorry if I did.

    I reread Rori’s article above and my thinking is if you are not “instinctively” a chaser, if you were out of his league, if men are always reaching out for you because you are all that, where you come from, in reaching out to him might not be chasing. What do you think? Your history of yourself seemed to have been focused on taking care of yourself and other needs, particularly financial and you did what felt good to you at the time. It seems you took care of yourself. I would want to know the man wants me as I am sure is the same for you but look at the context and the type of man that you know him as. I see your mention of his taciturn “you tell me” and am wondering if he depended on your lead to jugdge what he should do. Also taking into consideration what EMK said I am really wondering.

    The flip side is what if you do reach out and his response is not what you would expect, would you be devastated?

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 6:26am

  499. 499: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    355 Laughing Goddess

    Hi! back atcha :-)

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 6:33am

  500. 500: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    395 SLV
    I believe the request not to post was only for newsletter articles not links. Posting links is OK with him as far as I know…I don’t know about Rori; it’s her blog.

    Oh, OK. In any case, some people seem (to me) to be overly concerned about intellectual property infringements. Not saying EMK is. There is just so much control that can be exercised with that.

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 6:39am

  501. 501: RenieNo Gravatar says:

    Sirens, I need some help getting rid of NV’s. IDK if you remember but a week or so ago, “Stan” that I broke up with was sending me really nasty emails and text messages. He was hurt and lashing out, and I realize that but at the same time it was like a train wreck….I couldn’t just delete the messages without reading them I HAD to. Well, this weekend was his b-day and he ended up hooking up with an old FWB who called to wish him happy bday and they were inseparable the entire weekend, and I felt such great relief!!! I thought yay…now that he has someone to pay attention to him, he will stop trying to tear me down. But, he ended up doing it in a different way. He sent me picture after picture of him & this woman together. LIke I care! I don’t! And he’s telling me I lost the best man I ever had who truly loved me, and one day I will realize it and the mistake I made, etc., etc., etc. And even his “lady friend” got in on the act and apparently got my phone number from his phone and started texting me herself! I felt totally ganged up on and attacked. But it was so pathetic on their parts. They are damn near 50 years old! Who acts like that??? And it wasn’t the fact that he’s with another woman that bothers me. It’s the fact that they would be so snide as to take pictures and send them to me in an attempt to rub it in my face. So terribly immature.

    Anyway, I’ve been feeling really good and confident for the past 6 months or so and now all the NV’s are creeping into my head. Even though I know to “consider the source” in hearing all the BS from an ex, it still takes a toll when you are bombarded with it. I know I should block his number and hers too and wash my hands of it. Why can’t I bring myself to do that? I really want to.

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 6:50am

  502. 502: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @490: Hadassah says:
    “…@501-SLV-This is the same much older man that I started talking to in November and started dating in December…”

    Yea! That’s why I asked. I had a good feeling about him from the way you described him and the way he treated you! I hope I was not too pushy in encouraging you to date an older man. It’s true my father was 12 years older than my mother and it was second marriage for both. They had children and long lasting marriage. I wish happiness for both of you.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 6:57am

  503. 503: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    Wow Renie, how insane. Why is it do you think you can’t bring yourself to block them from contacting you?

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 6:57am

  504. 504: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    A new article is up.

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 7:05am

  505. 505: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Renie what are the voices saying?

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 7:07am

  506. 506: HadassahNo Gravatar says:

    @501 – Thank you SO much. He is 13 years older than me, and we agreed we don’t want any more children, we just want to spoil and dote on my daughter that he wants to adopt ASAP so we can all be a “real” family and share the same last name. We literally have an appointment with an adoption lawyer for the Monday after we get married!

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 7:08am

  507. 507: RenieNo Gravatar says:

    Lily, I don’t know. I think part of it is validation to me that I did the right thing. I already know I did the right thing in ending it, and it’s sort of like every nasty email or text is reinforcement that I did the right thing. But at the same time, reading all the nastiness takes a toll.

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 7:09am

  508. 508: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    New Article “Avoid the word You even when you are speaking your truth”.

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 7:14am

  509. 509: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    I hear you Renie. My suggestion is to block and delete immediately, RIGHT NOW, without any further analysis about why. Just do it.

    This stops any further hassle from them, will make you feel decisive, and still gives you plenty of opportunity to analyze the situation.

    What do you think?

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 7:22am

  510. 510: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    494

    Thanks, FW :-)

    I think we are all here doing our best learning and improving our life skills.

    When Rori tells us, like in the article above,
    if you can give and receive in full measure, and are not suffering in your relationships, you can act or not act in the way you are moved, you and it will be the right thing.

    I don’t want to ever discount my own discrimination of character, and my values and standards while at the same time being warm, open, inviting, and willing to forgive and start with a blank slate with a man.

    In other words, give a relationship with a man who is in front of you a chance, take a calculated risk. But, you have to use discrimination to flesh out what the deal breakers, if any, actually are.

    Getting back to life skills, and what Rori’s article is about, if you can’t give and receive equally, shut down, are a rescuer/fixer, you’re more likely to reach out in a tainted way. If the guy is co-dependent also, it might work, but there will probably be a lot of dysfunction and drama.

    So, when she says to completely stay away from anything that looks like chasing, it is indeed, like withdrawal from and avoiding an addicting substance, until such time that you can gradually introduce that substance, a little at a time, in this case, reaching out behaviors, because everything will be coming from a purer place.

    It’s good to celebrate our little victories. Kudos to us!

    xxoo

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 7:23am

  511. 511: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 509 I just reached out to a male friend that was relatively close to me and neither have reached out to each other in a while. It was good reconnecting and I kept checking in with myself to see if I was reaching out for something and reminding myself that I was only doing it to touch base. It was easy to move the conversation from one thing to the next so even though we had discussed something that needed fixing in the house the last time we spoke I was able to inject this time that another man had checked on it and will be returning later today. I am going to see if it makes any difference with our relationship during the future. He is just a friend but still a man that I am practicing with.

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 7:30am

  512. 512: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Kaitlyn: re 482

    Ooooo, that doesn’t feel boring to me. I feel excited hearing about it.

    I feel so inspired by art and photography too.

    I agree with what FW said above about maybe contacting him if it feels right to you. How does that feel?

    I wonder what Rori would suggest for you. Are you in the position to do some coaching work with her?

    I working on loving myself and quieting the nv’s down myself. It’s a moment to moment process :-)

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 7:55am

  513. 513: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Yay! The rubbing the genie bottle worked.

    Thanks Daria!

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 7:59am

  514. 514: RenieNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Lily. I just went to the verizon website and blocked both the numbers. I sat here and tried to think of 1 good reason to have any contact with him, and I couldn’t come up with a single one. So, buh-bye!

    Thank you for giving me the encouragement to do it!

    Renie

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 8:04am

  515. 515: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    You’re welcome Renie! Just say no to crazy. :)

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 8:14am

  516. 516: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @499: life_is_too_short_to… says:

    “…Oh, OK. In any case, some people seem (to me) to be overly concerned about intellectual property infringements. Not saying EMK is….”

    I’m concerned with them in general if I’m the “some people” you meant. I try to be careful with what belongs to other people, although I admit I am naughtly sometimes…

    I was very impressed with his post. I thought he did very well in asking in a nice way for cooperation… except for throwing in the “google slap” misinformation.

    One reason to respect property rights is the courtesy of asking before using something that doesn’t belong to me and the other reason is the money.

    To explain a little: newsletter articles like those are produced, or the writing outsourced, by the marketer in order to “build his list.” It is often said “the money is in the list” and indeed income is produced by having a large list and a good conversion rate (converting subscriber to purchase of products.)

    The newsletters or other “free gifts” usually are given away. There is often no cash payment but there is frequently “consideration” given for the “free gift” or “free newsletter” subscription. “Consideration” is the legal term for payment which can also be something other than money.

    In the Internet Marketing world this “payment” often is the “opt-in” — the name and/or e-mail address of the prospect who then becomes a subscriber (and hopefully) a buyer.

    The subscriber gets what’s called “personal use” rights to newsletters. The right to read the articles but not rights to republish them. The marketer retains all rights.

    The marketer then “sells to the list” by including links in the product (newsletter) back to his/her web site which includes the product sales page or links directly to product sales pages.

    Sometimes the links are to products of others for whom the marketer is an affiliate and thus receives a commission when subscribers use marketer’s link to buy the product. The order is attributed back to marketer by a “cookie” set on the buyer’s computer.

    When someone takes the article without permission and distributes it to non-subscribers that promotion opportunity is lost, readers are now reading without “opt-ing in” (adding themselves) to subscriber list. If in addition the links are removed, sales opportunities are also lost.

    It’s a business, so people are concerned about potential loss of business. I don’t blame them for that.

    Then there’s “going viral” this is where the marketer actually hope his product will be passed around to as many people as possible. The reason being, it has been branded with product owners links, either link backs to sites and/or affiliate links. So permission is granted to freely distributed so long as the product is not altered, especially meaning all links remain.

    I can then control and change from a central site where these links actually lead. Thus the links in the products never change but I can change where they lead.

    I personally prefer the “viral method.” However, it’s the article owner’s choice how they want to control the product because it is their product.

    For instance, I have digital products, documents, videos, software that I might “give away” as free gifts to promote other things. But I have purchased licenses to do this if I haven’t produced the products myself and thus give them away as the copyright holder.

    “There is just so much control that can be exercised with that…”

    Much depends upon people understanding what is at stake, who owns what and wanting to do the right thing.

    Thanks for reading. I hope that helps and I have explained in a good way. Let me know if the above was “readable” as part of this might be my “purpose on the planet.”

    I’ve tried to condense a lot of info into a short space plus I know it’s probably boring to people who don’t love the stuff like I do.

    On a personal level I think it’s important because of the huge growth of the Internet in recent years. Users are often still operating under “Wild West rules.” The more we learn and cooperate the less need of government intervention.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 8:15am

  517. 517: AlonkaNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn,

    I agree with FW #495 and #497. I feel like you waited long enough, i.e. ‘leaned back’ long enough. Why don’t you consider in both cases what you have to lose and be brave. Mind you he doesn’t have an idea you are still so crazy about him.

    agree with FW that you need to give yourself a break if you decide to call and get your vibe back first.

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 8:16am

  518. 518: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    Gee that post looks awfully long… :oops: I tried to make it short, I really did…

    :D

    xoxo
    SLV

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 8:17am

  519. 519: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @496: Mercedes says:
    “…I’m very happy you said this. Nice reminder for those of us who do a little (or a lot) leaning forward somethings…that’s it’s okay…”

    I confess…. sometimes i’m a “leanie.”

    Maybe this is an excuse but I plan to lean a little forward from time to time. I think the much older guys really appreciate a little “attention” from the ladies and giving back from time to time.

    Just my idea…

    xoxo
    SLV

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 8:24am

  520. 520: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @506: Renie

    Oh, that’s “icky” and hurtful :cry:
    but I believe they will eventually go away if you don’t react and keep the fire burning.

    (((((Renie)))))

    xoxo
    SLV

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 8:33am

  521. 521: RenieNo Gravatar says:

    Ugh! I blocked the phone numbers, but he still has my email. He emailed me, but nothing bad. He found a job opening he would like to apply for and wanted me to look at the job and his resume and make suggestions, b/c he values my opinion on those sorts of things. I really don’t know whether to help him or not or what. One of the reasons I decided to end it with him was what I saw as a lack of ambition, drive and money on his part! LOL… He’s “retired” from the air force & draws a pension for that but it’s hardly enough to live on. He helps his dad in his piano restoration business and gets a little money from that here & there but it’s sporadic. He has 2 masters degrees, one in history, and he’s found an opening for history professor at a community college. It’s kind of funny that all of a sudden he’s finding jobs to apply for b/c the whole time we were together all I heard was excuse after excuse as to why he couldn’t find a job. Hmmm.

    So, what do you think? Help him or no? This is the maddening part. Yesterday I was getting bombarded with ugly nasty texts & emails. But today he’s “sorry” and wants us to “be positive friends and happy for one another”.

    Sheesh!!!

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 9:30am

  522. 522: SusanNo Gravatar says:

    RE: 81: Darling Ella

    My love is for sailing and I have recently signed up to learn to sail. I feel so excited about this! We SHOULD follow our muse!

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 9:36am

  523. 523: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    NO! DO NOT HELP HIM!
    This is a toxic man Renie – stalkerish. Yesterday he was trying to *get* to you through nastiness, today it’s helplessness. There is something very wrong with this person and it is not your job, responsibility, or anything else to try to fix him.

    Do not respond to the email. Put that address in your spam filter.

    You don’t want someone this unstable as even a friend.

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 9:38am

  524. 524: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 520 Renie the question is how would you feel being his friend? The behavior could obviously be a boundary issue on you part. I head Dr. Paul talk about a woman who had to ask a boyfriend to leave because his drug use was causing her stress. He shared that boyfriend found another hole in her boundary by constantly calling her and making her feel bad. As long as we have holes in our boundary I guess we attract people who will helps us heal them. Maybe that is his message to you?

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 9:44am

  525. 525: RenieNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks ladies. The reason I’m torn is this: he may be off-balance but he’s no dummy. He’s actually very smart. And while I’m not afraid of him in the physical sense, I’m afraid if I piss him off he will do something actually worse. Something sinister and sneaky that could sabotage my job, my future relationships, etc. This is the guy who, after finding out I went out with an engineer from Huntsville, sent an email through match.com to every man in my age range from the Huntsville area who had “engineer” in their profession, telling them what a psycho nutjob I was! I blocked him from myself on match and I also reported what he did. They can trace his emails on there and figure it out. Anyway, that’s one example of how he’s tried to sabotage me since I broke it off with him. His sister has called me saying she is concerned about his state of mind. And up until Saturday afternoon, he was down in the depths of depression. Then his old FWB appeared and his life is suddenly blissful and perfect! LOL..

    So do I have a boundary issue, maybe. But if so, with this guy it’s driven by a level of fear regarding what he might do to “get me back” if I incite him any way. He’s said over & over that he will “get me back”.

    So, now what do you think I should do???

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 10:31am

  526. 526: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    I think you need to call your local police department and speak with an officer. I think you need to do what it takes to get a restraining order. I think you need to talk with someone knowledgable about stalking and abuse at the nearest women’s shelter.

    And I think you should do the above right after you read this Renie.

    (((Hugs)))

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 10:53am

  527. 527: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    LG,

    RE: #475 – Hi! I appreciate you!

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 10:55am

  528. 528: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    LG,

    Just to springboard off your question to Kaitlyn, what am I passionate about?

    Puppies, Men, Reading, Men, Theology, Men, Psychology, Men, Bears, Men, Nature, Men, Ocean, Men, Walking barefoot in the sand, Men, Romance, Men, Kitty Kats, Men, Friends, Men, and Men.

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 10:59am

  529. 529: RenieNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Lily. He lives 2 hours away from me, so he’s not close thankfully. And I already know that without threat of physical violence, there’s nothing the authorities can do. Maybe since I blocked their numbers, he will get the hint and quit. I just won’t respond to the email. What happens when you try to call or text someone who’s blocked you anyway? Do they get an error message or what?

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 11:01am

  530. 530: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    Renie,

    I believe it comes up something like “This number is not accepting calls at this time.”

    Don’t you find it a bit too coincidental that shortly after you blocked him from your phone, he sent you a “let’s be friends” email? F’ing creepy.

    I’m glad he lives 2 hours away, but I still think you should call your local women’s shelter and ask to speak with a counselor who is experienced with men like this. They will have the best suggestions, and resources to direct you to. Plus, the experience – and you need some reasurrance right now in how to take back your control from this man. Agreed?

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 11:30am

  531. 531: RenieNo Gravatar says:

    Agreed, Lily. I do know resources where I can at least get professional advice.

    The absolute scariest thing for me is the fact that the entire time I dated him (almost 6 months) he was the most mild-mannered, easy-going, non high-maintenance guy ever. I always felt good and secure and loved in his presence. There were only 1 or 2 instances where he kinda got agitated, and he blamed it on low blood sugar (he’s a Type 1 diabetic). So the fact that someone could be this calm and “normal” acting for that long, and then turn into a freakazoid after a break-up is so scary. It makes me wonder what other personality is lurking behind every man. I know I shouldn’t do that, but it’s one of those “once bitten twice shy” things.

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 11:46am

  532. 532: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 531 Renie I have seen where a coach suggests that people show their true colors at around the 6 month mark.

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 11:52am

  533. 533: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    I understand where you are coming from Renie. For a time I had a boyfriend who was the nicest guy, my lover, best friend, and loved me dearly…when he was sober. Unfortunately, he had a drinking problem that became more pronounced, and abusive as time went on. Truly he would start out as Dr. Jekyll and without warning turn into a completely different scary person…Mr. Hyde. I left him and went back to him Twice – I’m sorry to say. The last time I saw him he completely lost it and made an attempt to rape me. I never, in a million, million years would have thought him capable of such a thing.

    To this day I believe he had an underlying psychological problem(s) in addition to the alcoholism. So when I read things like you have posted, the craziness, I can’t just dismiss it. I’m not a counselor though, I’m not trained in how to deal with crazy men and what to do to protect against them which is why I can’t stress strongly enough you call a trained professional and ask for advice.

    I will be praying that the lack of contact will be enough to get this man to leave you alone. But meantime, take some action just in case, okay?

    Big hugs.
    Lily

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 12:03pm

  534. 534: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee – I want to tell you what someone told me once: The Universe needs you.

    And WE need you!

    You don’t see it right now, but you are a vibrant, beautiful person. You are here for a REASON, and you are experiencing all of this pain for a reason, even if right now you just feel BAD. So let yourself feel it. You have experienced a great loss, and the depth of your feeling is a signal of the depth of the love that you already have for YOURSELF. You know that you deserve love, and that knowledge doesn’t match with what you are receiving. But that does nothing to diminish the truth.

    I know a wonderful spiritual teacher who teaches that when our hearts break, the break OPEN – to new love, to new experiences. It is often at those lowest points, where we feel shattered, that Beauty uses that rift as a doorway to enter into our life.

    Or you could envision your heart as a seed. It has to crack in order for the roots to grow out and search for nourishment. You can’t see it yet, because it is still in the dark, in the dirt, but when it finds that source, it will grow into a flower more beautiful than you can imagine.

    Don’t give up!

    (P.S. Yes, I think you should let him pay for it, if he’s offering. It’s his responsibility. But only if you can do so without any expectation that it means he will become a part of your life again. In truth, from what I have heard of your story, I think you’d have a enough reason to decide on your own that you don’t WANT him in your life again. You can do much better! I wish you power, strength and courage:)

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 12:15pm

  535. 535: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    trying to see if I did the gravatar.com thing right

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 2:59pm

  536. 536: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    516. SLV

    Thank you for all of that concise information about intellectual property rights! I’m going to re-read it, and may make more comments, and save it.
    So much I didn’t know.

    No, I wasn’t referring to you, just in general.

    I especially like your last comment:

    “On a personal level I think it’s important because of the huge growth of the Internet in recent years. Users are often still operating under “Wild West rules.” The more we learn and cooperate the less need of government intervention.”

    Yes, we can only hope!

    I’m still concerned with government intervention in everything

    This is the new LITS LOL

    xxoo

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 3:07pm

  537. 537: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    That’s Debbie Harry, btw

    I’m not the kinda girl, who gives up
    just like that….oh noooooo……

    ;-)

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 3:16pm

  538. 538: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    Love it Elizabeth :)

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 3:22pm

  539. 539: laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Haha Brenda! re:528

    I love it! And I appreciate you too!

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 4:10pm

  540. 540: VioletNo Gravatar says:

    Jiminty Crickets!

    I have a profile up on a dating site that states, ‘Friends’ and that I’m not seeking a relationship or any kind of commitment.

    I got an Email from a man saying that he wants to get to know me better. Whenever I get an Email, I think.. okay he’s got the scooby doo with where I’m at.

    Well, that man sends two emails asking what I’m looking for. I lay it out straight.

    I put ‘friends’ on my profile because that’s all I’m ready for emotionally. It says, ‘not looking for a relationship or any kind of commitment’ because I’m not looking for one.

    I’m like, how much clearer can I get beyond drawing a picture!?

    I’m not pissed off at him. He knows what he wants and thinks maybe I fit the bill. What he wants isn’t going to change what I wrote.

    I wonder if this is what ‘leaning back’ means? If it does, I’m leaning so far back that I’m ready to run the other way! hahaha

    Anyways, I’m feeling better. I cried my eyeballs out from all the pent up emotions and not being able to cry.

    I recognize that I need time to heal and am giving that to myself. For once, I’m thinking what’s best for me and doing it. It feels great!

    There is concern over how I come across. All in all, it’s worth stating how I really feel about something because I’m being true to myself.

    Thanks to the Sirens for being there to support me and others.

    I’ve recognized that this is a process and will take time. I’m learning my self worth and setting boundaries that I didn’t know how to set before.

    Take it easy and stay cool,

    ~ Violet ~

    ~ Violet ~

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 4:22pm

  541. 541: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    How do you changed the picture next to your name/post?

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 4:33pm

  542. 542: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Emerson (re: #292) –

    I know this is probably old news, and most of the girls have chimed in here already, but I got a weird vibe when I read your post about the guy asking you to send pictures. Not a weird vibe about you – a weird vibe about him. To me, it just feels creepy. If you already have pics on your profile, why does he need more? And if he asked for your number, why not just call? Yeah, and all the stuff everyone else has said…

    To me, it sounded like he was just asking you to “jump through hoops” and then when you did, he had an “excuse” to reject you. He was just setting you up. There is probably nothing you could have done differently to get a different result in the end.

    But I also related because someone recently asked me to send pictures, and I said No Way! He didn’t get it. He already knows I’m beautiful, and I didn’t want to send pics, I wanted him to show up and see me in person. I haven’t heard from him since. Whatever.

    Summerbaby: “Kidney stone” – I love it!! LMAO :)

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 5:53pm

  543. 543: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, TMizz….just saw your name and realized I hadn’t said hello in awhile, good to see you and excellent post.

    Emerson, I want to HUG you for helping Kaitlyn last night as best you could…a new siren…being very siren-y. You made me feel proud and I’m sure hoping you made Kaitlyn feel better. Thank you so much for being you and being here!

    Jacqueline

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 5:58pm

  544. 544: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    ps – picture changed @ Gravitar…but if you do people who know computer stuff can track ALL your comments…xo,

    J

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 6:01pm

  545. 545: AZNo Gravatar says:

    hi Rori,

    very good point here.

    But the only problem i think most of us have is that we don’t like men who chase us aggressively, and nor do we like to chase men down, therefore, we are left with the men in the middle, which are not a lot of them–at least not the ones i encounter, since they all have their preference–either they are alpha male or feminine guys.

    are we really being left out from the pool?? anyone has the same feelings that I do????

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 7:15pm

  546. 546: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Susan #522:

    Wow…Awesome :) Your name resonates some old friends…:) Where part of the country do u leave? Wow…sailing…never was a thought of mine :)

    Warm hugs,

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 7:21pm

  547. 547: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Tmizz your feedback about the pics I sent to that guy was helpful. You have a good point, he was just trying to get me to jump through hoops. Funny part is, I wasn’t even that stoked about him anyway. I was like..meh… Maybe he could sense that. Either way, lesson learned. No more bonus pics. Good for you not sending pics to that guy who asked you.

    And Jacqueline thanks for your uplifting words to this new siren. ;-) I hope kaitlyn is feeling better today.

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 10:00pm

  548. 548: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    544 thanks for the info :-)

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 10:00pm

  549. 549: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    What if a guy sends his number on an online site and says call me but I’m not ready to talk on the phone yet, and I still want to exchange and email or two?

    A couple guys jump the gun and want to talk on the phone right away.

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 10:16pm

  550. 550: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Jacqueline! :)

    I missed a couple of posts (and some of the drama), but now I’m here, and I wanted to chime in:)

    Emerson – that’s a good question. First off, that’s awesome if they’re giving you their numbers! yeah!:) But if you don’t feel comfortable, you don’t have to call. You don’t even have to say why or *that* you’re not going to. You can say “ok” and write back to them with whatever you want, and then when you’re ready, give them your number and invite them to call you. If it fits, you can use feeling messages. Hope that helps!

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 10:55pm

  551. 551: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Violet – for me putting friends would be shooting myself in the foot (and setting myself up for men who aren’t looking for intimacy).

    if i weren’t ready for a relationship (am i ready for marriage? i’m not sure.. babysteps)… i would put that im looking to Date. That way men can treat me well and i can practice, rather than men who want to treat me casually/not well

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 11:15pm

  552. 552: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    soo today i get a call from GETRIGHT. which i skipped. i haven’t heard from him or about him in about 3 weeks.

    he leaves a message, then calls agian an hour later. says he’s with his friend and invites me over.

    i go. it seems like fun.

    experimenting.

    his friend is attractive. his friend treats me well. getright acts better around this friend.

    Getright says he is no longer with his gf. we talk really quickly about her texts/calls to me. he noticed that i had told her that i had been dating him on and off and thats my man. he seems impressed in a positive way … or at least acknowledging of how i handled it. i feel good.

    i’m already feeling absolutely AMAZING because of the awesome feeling weekend i had.

    more boys are there, they are all feeling my energy :)

    i am NOT feeling drawn to getright like before. i feel totally casual towards him.

    the boys get inot a big stress mess which makes me feel scared.

    i leave and go to my dui class! go me!

    the handsome one gets my number, calls me.

    i come back, getright serves me a plate of food at his house.

    i leave to come home

    here i am!!
    i feel happy and proud of me

    still noticing that getright says frequent stuff that feels bad… tries to knock me down sometimes

    HO’opono pono works.

    I love you. im sorry. please forgive me. thank you.

    Monday, 11 April 2011 @ 11:20pm

  553. 553: SusanNo Gravatar says:

    @ #546: Darling Ella:

    I live in Texas now. I used to live in Southern California and sailed as a passenger there. I moved to Texas after my divorce 5 years ago because it is less expensive to live in Texas. There are several lakes in Texas that are big enough for sailboats and I’ve always wanted to learn to be the ‘sailor’ instead of being the ‘passenger.’ My goal is to be able to take sailing vacations in the tropics. My daughter is now in college and needs me less, so I signed up for sailing lessons. This is heaven for me!

    Interestingly, my skittish boyfriend feels threatened by these sailing lessons. He is concerned I will meet a rich man who owns his own boat and even though I am not dating anyone else but him, the fact that I go to sailing lessons and events and meetings without him has caused him to increase his attentions and affections towards me. Sailing lessons are my way of ‘dating myself’ and Skittish Boyfriend has responded exactly the way Rori predicted in what she teaches. I am happy because I am following my dream of sailing AND Skittish Boyfriend is much more attentive than before. None of this is game playing for me. I am following my authentic desires.

    Tuesday, 12 April 2011 @ 6:00am

  554. 554: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Susan #553:

    That’s great!!! I have heard many times men being worried when we become passionate about something else besides them…:)

    I read a few of your comments in the past and I noticed your progress up to your current boyfriend :) I feel very happy for you…

    I wished more women would post their success stories as well (at least once in a while); it could help with the skeptics of Rori’s tools and would give hope to those who aspire a happy end :)

    Warm hugs,

    Tuesday, 12 April 2011 @ 7:03am

  555. 555: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria:

    Wow…I feel amazed about the turnaround of events with Getright…:) I feel curious and intrigued when he contacted you…what made you decide to accept his invitation? Did u follow your feelings? intuition? what was it saying to u?

    I also use the Ho’oponopono (the ancient Hawaiian kahuna practice of reconciliation and forgiveness) and I stand by it’s effectiveness. My version starts a bit different though:

    “I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you…”

    Warm hugs,

    Tuesday, 12 April 2011 @ 7:09am

  556. 556: SusanNo Gravatar says:

    @ 554: Darling Ella:

    Thank you for saying that! Nice to be noticed!

    Skittish Boyfriend still has not used the L word but is now using every word EXCEPT that word. He now calls me his girlfriend instead of his friend (I hated to be referred to as a friend even though I knew he wasn’t seeing anyone else.) He has recently told all his friends and family about me (whereas before he kept his relationship with me a bit too private for my taste) and he calls more and schedules more time with me. It is true that the less ‘effort’ I put into keeping the relationship alive, the more effort he puts into it. He has not only told me I am the most feminine woman he has dated, he has also said being with me makes him feel more like a man than he has in years.

    This is a huge change from when I first bought Rori’s e-book. At that time, Skittish Boyfriend had decided to spend Christmas with an ex girlfriend instead of with me. The biggest thing I did at the time was to 1) Establish a boundary, and 2) Follow my feelings, and 3) Choose my words. I gently but firmly told him that I’d not fuss about Christmas this time because we had only been dating two months and it might be too soon for me to have that kind of expectation from him. Then I told him that this was the last time I’d ever accept the number two position. Then I never brought it up again (he has, I haven’t.) That was really hard for me to do and felt foreign and I spent a week in quiet misery with no contact from him at all. A week later, introduced me to his girls and he brought his girls over to my house for a New Year’s Eve party I offered to host. This was HIS idea and he had formerly kept his girls from me, thinking it was too soon. Apparently, he changed his mind with no pressure from me.

    Using Rori’s principles, my Skittish Boyfriend seems to be slowly attaching himself to me with little effort on my part. This still feels foreign, but I like it. He has also referred to the day I told him I’d never accept the number 2 position again as the day he began to take me seriously. He has told me he not only admires me for setting that boundary but also for not bringing it up after that and letting him decide how to respond.

    I am grateful to Rori.

    Tuesday, 12 April 2011 @ 7:41am

  557. 557: aradeaNo Gravatar says:

    #94 LD
    I’m just catching up today, but I like the way this HotArmyGuy is stepping up! Hugs!

    Tuesday, 12 April 2011 @ 1:19pm

  558. 558: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    550 thanks TMizz! Good reminder. I don’t *have* to do anything I don’t feel comfortable. I know, seems like a no brainer. But sometimes it’s good to hear it.
    hugs…

    Tuesday, 12 April 2011 @ 9:21pm

  559. 559: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Yay! I said no to sex w sexycd (he came back suddenly and told me he’s coming to see me an hour ago)

    He half apologized for disrespecting me last time, and then he wanted to have sex. He made me feel comfortable by saying he wants to know me even if I decide never to have sex w him.

    That felt good but other things ge said and suggested contradicted that and I felt not so good. He reminds me of transformer man in that I feel a bit scared of him and I feel like I’m being talked down to.

    And we did make out, he kissed me a bit, it felt cool… But I insisted on no to sex. He also asked me to go down on him and I said no.

    But then I told him he can go down on him but I don’t feel comfortable asking him because I don’t know him that well.

    Then he seemed to get mad and said I think he’s a cartoon character.

    Well I said hmm I feel bad now cuz I want the man I’m with to want to go down on me.

    He said he does but me first.

    Well we all know I didnt go for that so then he started fidgeting about the time I said I dont want to hold him up if he wants to go.

    He didn’t but then he did. :). I feel kinda happy like I did something good right now. He also wanted a hug. I told him I still feel ‘like a cat’ meaning stupid (even though I didn’t go to the hotel… I told him I would feel like a cat there).

    That was the end. Then I walked sexily away in my amazingly sexy outfit.

    And the other man who wanted to see me today had called like 6 times.

    Yay!

    I will bluntly ask this man if he likes going down on women.

    Because I don’t want to be told I am thunking a man is Squidworth for asking that. Haha. Squidworth!

    Well I don’t want to feel bad like I’m asking for too much or expecting too much. Oh yeah I said that to sexy cd too.

    On our second meeting we kinda got almost naked and I froze and didn’t tell him I was not going to have sex. So he said he thought we were that time. But we weren’t trust me.

    :)

    Cuz if you aint lickin this you ain’t stickin this… And you might not stick it even if you lick it so I honor u that I would
    let ya.

    The end bit really universe no need to test me on this no more. Let’s go back to the days of men offering it to me and begging me to do it. Sexy men. Thank you.

    Tuesday, 12 April 2011 @ 9:37pm

  560. 560: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, that was a funny post :)

    Tuesday, 12 April 2011 @ 9:42pm

  561. 561: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    “because I don’t know him that well.”

    Daria, why in the heck would you want a guy to have any form of see with you if you don’t know him that well?

    And if he doesn’t know you that well, why is he insisting that you go down on him? Sounds to me like you need to find a better class of guys to hang out with. Maybe, oh, I don’t know, maybe a guy who would think enough of you to want to really get to know you before asking you to blow him.

    Just a thought.

    Tuesday, 12 April 2011 @ 10:02pm

  562. 562: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    “What if a guy sends his number on an online site and says call me but I’m not ready to talk on the phone yet, and I still want to exchange and email or two?

    A couple guys jump the gun and want to talk on the phone right away.”

    Not unusual. Men are often suspicious. This is the world wide web after all. You know…the place where the men are men, the women are men, and the kids are FBI agents. ;-)

    Also, he may not be able to type very fast. So typing out a long email hunt and peck style may take him 10 times as long as ti takes you to type an email twice as long.

    He likely feels more comfortable just talking to someone than typing out letter.

    Tuesday, 12 April 2011 @ 10:09pm

  563. 563: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson…If you’re still on this thread I wanted to say I was thinking of you last night with your Caucasian comment, and don’t think anyone responded. I love Mexican men…I love Arabian men…and I’ve dated tons of blue eyed guys. Funny that….but anyway, I hope you never let anyone make you feel “less than” in any way.

    Yes our previous biases, negative reactions, comments to ourselves, basically our whole world view can be triggered….and we can still work through it without the person knowing it’s our trigger.

    I vote for you finding the best high quality man who is out there for you as a match. Even if he were green and Martian, you know?

    Hugs,
    Jacqueline

    Tuesday, 12 April 2011 @ 10:10pm

  564. 564: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Ladies!

    I would like to vent/share about chasing for a moment. I was going to write on the new post, but this one is more relevant to the topic.

    Tonight, I’ve recognized and acknowledged to myself that I actually kind of *like* chasing sometimes. Yes, I like to be chased. But I think that inner-masculine side of me likes the chasing just as much as a man does. It’s exciting. I’m like Artemis, with my bow and arrow. Women warriors are fewer in lore and history, but they are there!

    Does it always work for me? No. And recently, I’ve just about chased someone into the ground. I did get a response. But the main response I got from him was “this isn’t going to work.” So I had to ask myself – why did I do this? What was so compelling? And why did I start chasing in the first place? I let myself do it, even though I knew I wouldn’t get a “relationship” out of it. (Maybe that was the point.)

    I guess what was compelling to me was that I wanted to try “showing up” in different ways. At least that’s what I thought at the end. I think I was “chasing” but internally, my goal was to speak my truth, and see what happened. I really didn’t have an “objective” in mind. But I realize that’s tricky. Sometimes when something “looks like” something, that’s what it is, even if you have a different intention. Still, I feel I succeeded in at least being able to formulate my words differently and concentrated on talking To A Person, not just Saying What I Wanted to Say.

    And why did I start? Well, that’s easy. This person came on strong, and did ALL the chasing. But then we had one conversation that made me feel insecure. The part that made me feel insecure was about money. He seemed to assume, based on one thing he knew about me, that I had a lot of money. Maybe he found out, from something I said, that I’m not as flush, or as loaded as he thought I was. I guess if that’s true, then good riddance. But the bottom line is, I’m already pretty insecure about the fact that I’m not as flush or loaded as *I’d* like to be! LOL. So it kind of woke me up to the fact that I’d like to do something about this, pronto. Not that I want to become a zillionaire or get-rich-quick. Just that I think my general financial health is important to me.

    Interestingly, that isn’t even what I thought it was when I sat down to write this. I really thought it was about the fact that he had mentioned marriage, and it sounded like a pretty good idea to me. But that was also the same time that I started to “shut down” around him, and not be exactly who I am. AND the same time that I started “chasing.” Hm…No big mystery there, I guess. But I think they are connected. I think what happened is, I got insecure, thinking he would judge me for my financial situation, I was afraid that marriage would blow my cover (it would), and I overcompensated. *sigh*

    Well, I’ve learned a lot. Everyone has their “message,” as they say. This guy had a couple of good ones. Not all of them about money:)

    And one other thing occurred to me, as I thought about this. Part of what chasing is for me is security. It feels “safe.” If I am doing the chasing, then I am making the decisions about what happens, and I feel safe about that. Being chased feels vulnerable, exposed – UNSAFE. I think at this moment, it is difficult for me to tolerate, and I can maybe only take it in small doses. At some point I need to feel safe. But I also think, ironically, that when we let ourselves receive, then we BECOME more safe in the situation. But that’s the challenge, and we’re all just working hard to get there, right?

    So this is what it’s about. Trying things, experimenting, letting ourselves be vulnerable. Allowing ourselves to be exposed, without fear. Showing up by just BEING there. I’m not quite there, yet, but I’m trying.

    Right now, I am just celebrating this new awareness of my motivations and behaviors. I feel vulnerable sharing these things. And I feel good and happy that the Right Thing is happening, even if it doesn’t seem like “what I want.” Because I know that there are more fabulous guys – tons of fabulous guys – who are just dying to meet me and see me for who I really am.

    I feel luscious and magnetic and sexy and magical, REGARDLESS of what anyone says, including – and especially! – the Nasty Voice in my head that wants to make me feel insecure for no good reason.

    Thank you for listening and letting me ramble! ~ T.

    Tuesday, 12 April 2011 @ 10:15pm

  565. 565: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @544: Jacqueline says:
    “…ps – picture changed @ Gravitar…but if you do people who know computer stuff can track ALL your comments…xo, J…”

    Hi J! You could choose a user name, an e-mail account and also a different pic just for Rori blog and not use these for any other things. I didn’t do this but maybe I’ll change too… I didn’t think I’d be posting so much when I first signed up. :oops:

    Also for your e-mail account you could use your “user name” as your e-mail profile name also. So if your user name is Sweet Jane your profile name could be:

    first name: Sweet
    Last name: Jane

    instead of actual name
    first name: Jane
    Last name: Doe

    I hope this helps.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Wednesday, 13 April 2011 @ 11:01am

  566. 566: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @564: Tmizz says:

    “…Thank you for listening and letting me ramble! …”

    I enjoyed it! I’m kind of a “go-getter” myself. :shock:

    Whatever you did had value as an exploration, an experiment and self-discovery.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Wednesday, 13 April 2011 @ 11:08am

  567. 567: LaineNo Gravatar says:

    #46 You have laid your cards on the table and are no longer mysterious. It comes across to a man as controlling. It is best to show what your boundaries are by actions rather than words. For instance, if a man rings you at 5 pm asking if you would like to catch a movie at 6 pm, and you feel you are being treated as last minute, you say ” I would have loved to have gone with you, but unfortunately I have already made plans. I could go next Thursay night, or Saturday afternoon though”

    He will get it. You are letting him know that if he wants to see you he will need to make plans in advance.

    You do not say ” Sorry I dont go out with guys at the last minute, so you will need to give me more notice” This is not about controlling a man, but about raising the bar and giving the guy the space to figure it out.

    Wednesday, 13 April 2011 @ 12:00pm

  568. 568: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I do not say what’s not true for me.

    I would say: I don’t feel good being asked at the last minute… i feel like i’m low priority and not worth being asked in advance… and that feels bad. :( I don’t want to feel that way with you.

    Wednesday, 13 April 2011 @ 12:44pm

  569. 569: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Rusty – i feel good that you care about my wellbeing…

    but the way it came across to me it felt BAD. I felt patronized and talked down to I’m feeling really angry right now and don’t want to blame it on you somehow… i’m pretty much shaking and hot!

    I don’t want to be talked to that way… it feels patronizing to me. i don’t want unasked for advice about men from a man.

    and i don’t want to keep feeling angry at you!!! :(

    Wednesday, 13 April 2011 @ 12:55pm

  570. 570: Angela1No Gravatar says:

    hmmm. I understand what CC says re: self sacrifice. But what if the man did ask us to make the sacrifice? I wanted the chance to have a baby and made that clear to my now husband before was married. He had been cut (vasectomy) at the request of his ex but promised he would fix that once we got married. I believed him. Every six months he would promise to get it fixed. It’s been four years and I am now 43. I am so sad that, one, he didn’t keep his promise; and two, that it is probably too late because of my age.
    I was in the middle of school when we married and he said I had to quit school if we were going to go the baby route because we couldn’t do both together. But as soon as I quit school, he kind of lost interest in me. Even told me I was a bad trade for his last family and that he longed for his ex. (Who actually got pregnant by another man and left him for the new guy as soon as he got the vasectomy she demanded he get.) I really have put myself in a compromised position where he has controlled my happiness. I am planning on signing up for classes this fall but will now have to pay for school myself as before I was married I had grants because I was single and had less income. I’m quite resentful. I could be done with school by now.

    Thursday, 14 April 2011 @ 7:35am

  571. 571: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    #566 – Thanks, SLV! :)

    Hi Angela – I don’t know what CC has to say about self-sacrifice, but I think one thing we *don’t* want to sacrifice is our own happiness, and to me, this goes for both parties, but I think it is women who more often give up what is important to them for the sake of a relationship.

    Your story makes me sad, and I can definitely feel the pain, frustration and resentment you must feel right now. Maybe it is not too late? Many women give birth in their mid-forties. Just because it is considered more risky doesn’t make it impossible. But you don’t just want to get pregnant, you want your husband to be with you, to support you. He isn’t “there” yet, and that’s what you need.

    But I heard something else in your story. He got the vasectomy for his ex, who then got pregnant by another man and left your husband for him. I would guess that he feels controlled by his EX, and he feels resentment toward HER. He is taking that leftover anger and resentment out on YOU, probably without even realizing it. My guess is that he is not trying to control you because he wants to, he is doing it because he could not control HER. He may not feel like he can trust you, because he trusted her and he “got burned.” Now he doesn’t know what to do, and keeping the vasectomy is the one vestige of “control” that he has, over himself, if anything. But it’s hurting you and it’s keeping you from what you want very deeply. And my guess is – he wants it, too!

    He probably wanted to have children with his ex, but now he has the vasectomy, and instead of having children with her, someone else did. He needs to let go of that resentment, let go of her, and realize that he is with YOU now, and that she was not the prize woman he thought that she was. And not only is he with you, he has traded UP to a better partner, because you actually WANT to have kids with him. He might feel “controlled” when you ask him to have the vasectomy reversed, and that may be part of the problem, because it reminds him of his ex, asking him to “do things.”

    It may not be possible to talk about any of this with him. But I wonder if there is a way ask him about the vasectomy in a way that shows that you care about HIM – not just his “seed” or “what he does.” Or, in a calm, nonjudgmental way, you can let him know your concerns about time, and maybe even consider other options, like IVF, before time runs out. Then see if he wants another man to be your “donor.”;)

    Meanwhile, I think you are doing the right thing, by going back to school. Even if you have to pay for it. Because the best way you can show a man you have self-respect is to do what is important to you and what makes you happy. If you do, he will generally notice, and start to give you more attention.

    And then you may not have to talk about it at all. If you stop bringing it up, maybe he will change his mind on his own. :)

    But I’m glad you wrote about it. I hope we can help you here!

    Thursday, 14 April 2011 @ 9:40am

  572. 572: Angela1No Gravatar says:

    Tmizz,
    Thanks so much for the comment! You have a lot of great ideas! I will keep you posted on my progress! :)

    Thursday, 14 April 2011 @ 10:08am

  573. 573: JeannieNo Gravatar says:

    I am so terrified that I have blown it with this guy that I am physically ill. Is it possible to fix things after you have shown him how insecure you are and after you have chased him away? I love him and I don’t want to lose him permanently but I am afraid I already have. How do I fix it? How can I get him to fall in love with me when I can’t even get him to spend time with me?

    Thursday, 14 April 2011 @ 8:06pm

  574. 574: LaineNo Gravatar says:

    It may seem like last minute to you although he may just be spontaneous and in the moment. When you are first getting to know someone I think it is better to give the benefit of the doubt and set your boundaries subtley, then see how he responds. Your blunt response sends the message that you already know the answers, that you are not flexible and certainly not fun or kind.

    Friday, 15 April 2011 @ 12:49am

  575. 575: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Im having trouble with password its to long and I cant copy it on my phone where I wanted it downloaded.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 8:43pm

  576. 576: SloaneNo Gravatar says:

    Daria-
    What happens when you start to shift from being the forward one to the leaning back one.. and get no response. I have been ignored for two days and feel crappy. It is so hard not to feel centered and to really focus on myself. I am dealing with someone who likes that I am cool and don’t ask for much. As I begin to shift I wonder if I will push him away and come across high maintenance if I speak feeling messages. I feel really hurt today and dissregarded. Yesterday was an off day.. couldn’t focus couldn’t get my center.. I tried EVERY tool. It felt yucky. Today I am feeling anxious and sad.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 8:42am

  577. 577: BeckyNo Gravatar says:

    If you stop texting, facebooking, and sending pics will he eventually wonder why and text you?? Even if it was his idea to stop and you have been playing this game for 4 years?? I’m heart broken!

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 4:12pm

  578. 578: LizNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori I did all the chasing, inviting him out, calling, driving to his home, he does not own a car, paying for everything even his rent y did’n have a job, taking care of him while sick and paying for doctors and medicacion. Then he got well and a part time job, and told me he needs to organize is life and think and is better if we don not see each other because he does not want me to pay for anything anymore and he does not have money, he also told me that he es not seing any other women and is not thinking on doing it. He has not contact me for 4 days, I am desperate. Please help me.

    Friday, 6 May 2011 @ 12:01pm

  579. 579: candiceNo Gravatar says:

    hey i was just reading some of the storys that have been posted and tbh im in need of some advice myself so please help me! me and this guy had a thing goin on and he told me how much he thought of me an how he proper liked me then not long after told me he loved me i wasent too sure if that was true but i did know he thought alot of me, i did like him, i knew that he would of treated me good an would be a loyal man who i could trust so we got together after about a week or 2 i broke up with him thinking i didnt want to be with him just rather we went back to being friends, well recently ive found out he is back with his ex girlfriend its been playin on my mind and i regret makeing that decition am really and truelly gutted!! anyway i asked him to meet up with me but he told me for the first few days no he cudnt” then decided he would come an meet so he did come an meet 3 or 4 nights an even kissed me he said he felt bad but kissed me again after (couldnt of felt that bad) anyway i gave him a week to decide weather he wanted to be with me or her he recently gave me the answer and told me he cant do it to her but still wants to meet up with me… such a crap situation to be in i think deep down he wants to be with me but just doesnt have it in him to break up with her.. he says if it was anyone else he would drop them for me but as this girl is his ex for about 6 years an first love he cant do it to her, really need some good advice please

    Tuesday, 10 May 2011 @ 10:50am

  580. 580: MelNo Gravatar says:

    My problem is… this guy liked me for 6 years. I fell in love with him last year, and I told him I liked him, and now he apparently doesn’t like me. I think he is just scared or something. I know I was chasing him last year, but now I just call once a month, because he is my nighbour and I DO get bored, so it’s just for someone to hang with. I still love him.. It is so annoying! I can’t stop thinking about him. But I have been thinking of telling him I’m in love with him, because as Rori said and I have been thinking, mistakes are the best way to learn. So if it is a huge mistake telling him, which I think it will be because he IS only 20, atleast I got it out and can move on easier. I do believe the most difficult things are the best things. I am going to tell him now

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 6:02am

  581. 581: girlNo Gravatar says:

    so wait im confused, im not supposed to invite my boyfriend anywhere? but i have all these cool date ideas i want to try i dont want to just sit around and wait for him to decide to see me. i dont really feel asking to hang out is “chasing”…

    Monday, 13 June 2011 @ 5:01pm

  582. 582: TammyNo Gravatar says:

    It is so awesome to read about “chasing men”. I just joined this blog and after being married 27 years and now new in the dating game; I definitely have caught myself doing it and just this week. What a hottie too, lol. If I dont hear back via email, then I am constantly emailing and yes a huge NO NO. I am told I am attractive and I never looked at myself that way before, but I do now and know I dont need to hunt them down after reading all these blogs. It will be hard habit to break, but I will resist that temptation to wonder what is he doing, lol. Thank you for the wonderful advice. What should book shall I start with from Rori? Thanks everyone

    Sunday, 19 June 2011 @ 4:37pm

  583. 583: roxyNo Gravatar says:

    HELP..
    This weekend it so happened that I went to a party and my ex was there. I was indifferent doing my own thing and having fun. Of course I just said hi and nothing else. After he leaves he sends me a text telling me sorry for being too serious but that I knew the reason for his seriousness. I did not respond because I wanted to choose the right words to respond because he confused me. I really dont know what he meant. SO I didnt respond and he texts back and says if I was mad. I didtnt respond and he called me twice but I did not answer. Now I am thinking on how to respond to him and here are my thoughts.

    Sorry I was kinda busy. saw ur text … huuh I dont understand your text tell me directly of what you think of as my idea of your seriousness so that I can understand why I would be mad at you. What are you referring to?
    What do you think? please help

    Monday, 1 August 2011 @ 9:26am

  584. 584: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Roxy if you deliberately ignored his communication you can’t pretend you did not. Be authentic with how you really feel. He called what did he say? If he asked you to call him I would respect that request and call him. What do you have to lose?

    Monday, 1 August 2011 @ 9:31am

  585. 585: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    Roxy, I think taking your time to respond in an authentic way is a good idea. Don’t feel bad about “ignoring” him. He sent a confusing message. Asking for clarification seems like a good way to go. I would maybe edit what you had to “I saw ur text, but I don’t understand. What were you referring to?”

    That gives him a chance to explain himself so you have more information to go on.

    And also, I am unclear as to what you really want or hope would come out of this situation. do you want him back? Is he with someone else? are you dating someone else? do you hope that he still wants you?

    It would be a good idea to sit with yourself for a few minutes, take some deep breaths, and really discover what you are feeling in your body, both with regard to him, and just how you feel in your life right now. That will make you feel grounded when he responds so you can communicate more clearly.

    Good luck! !

    Monday, 1 August 2011 @ 9:57am

  586. 586: ChicaNo Gravatar says:

    I just found you all! I know I’m going to learn a lot here. Thank you! xo

    Wednesday, 17 August 2011 @ 6:35pm

  587. 587: bceNo Gravatar says:

    I was with a guy for 3 months I feel in love with. I met him on a dating site and our chemistry was great. Well I started noticing he didn’t want to meet on weekends and was having me hide my car in his alley. He begged me all last week to come and meet him at his place and I refused, because I knew something was going on. Sure enough he left on that Friday with his little boy and moved a girl back from Indiana to his place. He wanted me there the night before he left to get her, WHY? why did he want that. He had been seeing her and having sex with me. Please help I can’t get over him and I think she should know about this.

    Friday, 26 August 2011 @ 8:39am

  588. 588: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    bce,

    Sorry to hear you were hurt so badly. If it were me, I would let her know in some way: maybe a note on the door, or even coming to the door, or calling sometime when I think she might be there and not him.

    I know it’s hard to get over someone who you love, even when they hurt you so badly. What I was told is do I want to get over the pain all at once and have it hurt like hell…or do I want to drag out the pain and be hurt repeatedly month after month…or year after year?

    That put it in a whole new light for me. I encourage you to tap into Rori’s excellent programs and this blog. We are all here to support you! Most of us write on the newest thread:

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/love-money-power-kat-knecht/comment-page-3/#comment-144922

    Friday, 26 August 2011 @ 8:52am

  589. 589: LizNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Rori,
    This is a question for you!
    I want to know how to write to you to ask you a question. Is this the right place to do so?
    I have your siren program, have the relationship you want ebook and just downloaded the lovescripts program.
    You are absolutely divine and so nurturing, I have shifted a great deal in my feminine space by using your tools.
    I am working on my posture, being receptive, getting in touch with my feelings and expressing them and love how it makes me feel overall. I have felt really vulnerable and scared and have felt really blessed in a new way in my interactions with everybody. I am circular dating and dating myself also.
    Specifically, I want to find out what you think about this one man I have a special friendship with. We are very fond of each other and he has been unavailable ever since we became friends a year ago. He is now tentatively breaking up with his girlfriend and has been reaching out to me more and giving me more support. I want to know what I can do to build his attraction for me and will be studying your materials for sure. I am clairvoyant and have friends who are too, so we have fun giving each other clairvoyant readings and we always get the sense that he is not sexually attracted to me, but loves me dearly. I feel like he is such a special man, he has awakened me on many levels, spiritually, mentally, emotionally and I feel turned on to him sexually. I do feel he is turned on to me also sometimes. So I don’t know exactly how to read this situation. He emails me or texts me or calls me and asks me to come spend time with him in his office (which is across the street from me). I want to know if I am chasing him. I do need to contact him for financial advice sometimes and we have an agreement to water each others flowers when either one is out of town. I also am recovering in therapy from childhood sexual abuse and just learning how to not sexualize every relationship with every man I am attracted to. So there is a lot going on with this man. He gives me hours of attention and has never hit on me, ostensibly because he is involved. It has been healing for me, because he sees me as a person. He told me on email the other day that I was an extremely lovely woman with a stellar heart. I feel confused and so happy to receive such a nice compliment. Do you think there is any chance with this guy? I am certain that he will break up with his girlfriend. He is 11 years younger than me, but does not seem to want kids, so I don’t think my age is an issue. He thought I was his age, everyone in my family looks really young for their age and I am in good shape physically.
    Thank-you very much Rori.
    I really am grateful for the love that you radiate and you help me realize that I can live with my heart open also and be safe by honoring my boundaries.

    Tuesday, 6 September 2011 @ 12:37pm

  590. 590: JaneNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori,
    Firstly I would like to THANK YOU VERY much for writing such an amazing book.
    I downloaded it on Friday 9 September. It is 13 September, and I have read it from cover to cover (I hate reading) LOL!! Made notes and am determined to turn mt friendship/relationship around.
    I wish I had discovered your book before I met my man, beacause I truly believe I would not be in the situation I find myself in now.
    May I tell you my story???? :)
    I was introduced to someone about six weeks ago.
    We ‘clicked’ straight away. Lots of things in common. He said that ” I am the girl version of him”.
    After four weeks he says he felt things were starting to get serious between us, and that he didn’t feel he was ready for a commitment so soon (he has been seperated from his wife for nine months).
    He wants to continue to ‘play the field’.
    The twist to the tale is that he said he really likes me and that he DOESN”T want to stop seeing me!!
    I said that if he was going to see other women then I would not see him, however after a week I went back on my word, and started to see him again.
    I broke my boundaries rule….:(
    I feel I have lost abit of respect from him, and has probably turned him off of me?? I’m chasing him………bad news.
    He still contacts me and things are very friendly between us. I don’t know if he is seeing anyone else yet, so feel that we are both still ‘available’.
    Since reading your book, I can see where I went wrong, but also where I got it right too, so I was half way there. :)
    Your advice has been invaluable. I feel so much more empowered.
    He is a masculine energy man, but I was being that way too. I now KNOW exactly what I want and DON”T want, and I glady choose to be the feminine energy partner.
    He has asked me out this Saturday night (17 Sept).
    I am so looking forward to going, as I feel so free. I have let go of the control, I want him to SEE the real me.
    I’m not even trying to predict the outcome like I normally would.
    What will be, will be.
    I am determined to stick to my boundaries this time, now matter what. If he still want sfreedom and to see other girls, then I think it best if we call it quits, beacause he is treating me badly.
    I never had a problem telling him how I FELT, so I feel comfortable with that bit.
    I am hoping he will sense that my energy has changed, and that I am not trying to control him, or the situation anymore. I am hoping that will be a turning/starting point.
    It’s a risk, but I’m prepared to take it.
    As you stated in your ‘chasing men’ article “I have nothing to lose”. With abit of luck and time, i may have everything to gain.
    I am looking forward to watching the modern siren videos, as I bought those yesterday.
    Thank you Rori.
    Jane :))

    Tuesday, 13 September 2011 @ 7:49am

  591. 591: Katarina PhangNo Gravatar says:

    Jane, if I may…. don’t expect anything from him. He’s just not ready period and nothing you do will change the fact. A year is nothing after a breakup (especially marriage and he hasn’t even been a year yet since he split from his wife).

    Let him go and let him date around ’cause he needs that.

    If you want to see him casually, you sure can but if you are already so invested now then perhaps just leave him alone.

    Unless you keep your expectation in check you will only be in pain.

    My advice is keep seeing him for the fun of it while dating others at the same time. Use him to raise your vibration. Anyone making you happy should be welcome in your life.

    That’s only possible when you stop wanting him to be anything. It takes a long time for any average person (especially men) to get over their relationships. I believe a minimum 3 years is in order before they’re ready again (likelihood is it’s longer especially if he was married for a long time).

    Tuesday, 13 September 2011 @ 10:08am

  592. 592: ChanaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori,
    I was using all of your REconnect tools, and getting great results, and I feel so silly because I sent a very Leaning Forward text message to my guy on Thursday, and didn’t get a response!! I knew I shouldn’t have, but for that brief moment, my emotions and impatience got the best of me and I tried to make a date happen! Needless to say, I am now forced to Lean Back and do nothing…is that the right approach? I’m sure I totally turned him off and am kicking myself! ugh!
    xoxo Chana

    Monday, 26 September 2011 @ 2:19pm

  593. 593: RickNo Gravatar says:

    I am a man, I saw your site and thought a woman would probably be my best help. So here it goes. I am married
    for 27 years. For the past 10 years my wife and I grew apart. We talked about it, went for counseling and realized we are not in love any more. We live like best friends and roommates. Not like a husband and wife. My wife also over these 10 years has lost interest in sex, she blames it on early menopausal issues. So we decided to divorce. We are both fine in all this. Here is the problem, I met a woman 4 years ago and started a friendship with her that grew into a love relationship between us. Even though it was against both our principles we made love and fell in love. My girlfriend knew all up front,except shethought our divorce would have been faster, which is my fault because I wanted my wife to initiate the process. Before I met this woman four years ago my wife said she wanted a divorce.
    So I waited for her to initiate the process, not knowing I would fall for another woman. The reason for the delay in our divorce was financial, too many things hit all at once.
    You name it it happened, my daughter was going to college, the economy got bad, my investments tanked on me, and job loss. So now I am in the process of my divorce but my girlfriend feels she fell out of love with me. She feels I should have moved it faster for us to be together. Now she tells me that she does not want sex which we have been holding off of any way and says get the divorce and we will see how she feels after this. Now in between all this she has been true to me and I true to her. She mentioned that somebody was interested in courting her and asked me how I felt? I said I am in love with her and her only and asked her not to let anybody in between.
    I want to marry her and have a family with her. So far she has not let anybody in. As per her request, she just wants to see eachother as friends which is what we are doing. We get together play tennis, go to a movie, have dinner etc. Her rule is no intamacy till I am divorced, I agreed. I am in love with her no doubt, I know she loves me no doubt.
    I just wonder can she fall back in love with me? How do I handle this? I don’t want to lose her. How do I keep her without pressuring her? I don’t want to smother her yet I want her to know I am there for her. How do I reassure her of this as I go through the process of divorce. I am finding my relationship with her tougher than the divorce because as a man I don’t know if I am reading her right. I lover so much and she knows it, yet I feel I could lose her if I don’t play my cards right. I hope you can help me. Signed, Rick, A man lost in love as he goes through a divorce.

    Monday, 10 October 2011 @ 9:57am

  594. 594: blingNo Gravatar says:

    Ladies! I’m in need of some advice…These were originally emails to Rori, but she’s a busy lady so she hasn’t been able to get back to me. So, maybe I can get some advice from different perspectives on here. My stories are a little lengthy, but here it goes:

    Dear Rori,
    My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for approximately 4 months. We met at my work place where he brought his daughter (I work in a play room where parents bring their children while they work out at our local gym). His daughter took quite a liking to me, and we began talking a lot more a few months after we had met, and our friendship evolved into something more. He dropped a lot of hints that he liked me by hanging around a lot, and wanting to see me outside of my work place. However, I somewhat ignored the signs just because I wasn’t really sure if he was really flirting with me, or if he was just being nice because he is naturally a very friendly, funny, goofy, and outgoing type of guy. Finally, after a few months of this going on, he professed his feelings for me, and we started a relationship. I was excited because I had liked him too, but like I said, I wasn’t sure if he had liked me or not. It was obvious that we had a spark. Everyone around us even saw it. So, from then on, we started seeing each other more and more. Everything seemed to happen so quickly. He was so romantic and sweet. He always texted me sweet things, and I would return the favor most times, or tell him how cute it was. We always found songs that reminded us how we felt about each other, and it seemed like there was a new song every time we saw each other. Only a few weeks into our relationship, I ended up spending the night at his house because he had asked me to babysit his daughter while he worked a small side job that night. It turned out that he ended up losing the job, but wanted me to come over anyway, and begged me to spend the night. I gave in, and I did. It was a PERFECT night. We went out to dinner with his daughter, and we hung out at his house, and we went up to his bedroom after we put her to bed. He was quite a gentlemen about it, and we didn’t have sex because he didn’t want to rush things because things were so great between us (even though we were very attracted to each other). We laid down in bed together, we kissed very passionately (a lot), and fooled around a little, talked about the way we felt about each other, and fell asleep in the same bed. One thing he said to me was that I was an angel, and that he has never said or felt that about anyone else (which of course, made me feel VERY special eep!). About a month or so into our relationship he took me to this beautiful tourist park because he knew I loved foliage and the leaves were starting to change. On the way there in the car, he hinted an “I love you” with a song. We both knew we felt that way about each other, but he was waiting for me to say it first. So I decided to play the game, and a couple of days later, I made a puzzle that looked something like this : JMPWFZPV…and it’s suppose to spell out, “I love you”. I left it on his car, and later that night, after we were done talking on the phone he said, “Hey…I love you so much!”. …and I said, ” I love you too.” Everything was so blissful and perfect when we were together. When we were in the car, we would be all over each other. We would be holding hands, kissing, I’d have my head on his shoulder, etc. He told me all the time how beautiful, pretty, or sexy I was. It seemed like it was almost too good to be true, and that everything is blissful and happy all the time. He made it clear that he didn’t want to see anyone else, didn’t want me to see anyone else, and introduces me as his girlfriend.
    OK, now that we’ve gotten all of the good mushy stuff out, here’s what’s been going on lately….I don’t know if I’m maybe looking at it all the wrong way or what, so I thought maybe you could help me understand a little, and make it better for myself. Well first of all, I was living with my mother up until October, and she and I got into a fight. I moved out, and he offered to let me stay with him, so I took it because I didn’t really have any other options. Right now, I’m not helping with rent because I recently graduated from grad school and I’m between jobs. This was about a month and a half into our relationship. At first, it was amazing. Everything was fun, and no matter what we did, it was romantic (OK, we were getting sparks and butterflies, and giggles when we were grocery shopping together!). However, for the past month, it seems like things have changed a little. We had sex for the first time a few weeks after I moved in. Of course, it was amazing, and he said he never wanted to let me go, and that it was like he was in heaven, etc. We started doing it a lot after that (like almost every night, or even a couple of times a day). Then he said, he wanted to tone the sex down a little because he thought it was unhealthy to do it all the time. Which, I agree, everyday is probably a little excessive. So we’ve toned it down to maybe like once or twice a week. A few weeks after that, it seemed like the sweet cute things he was saying to me became less….and the affection was becoming a little less too. It scared me because I thought he didn’t feel the same way about me anymore. I expressed my concern about this once, and he said that he didn’t really notice, and that it probably because he was in a “funk” about other things in his life, and it had nothing to do with us, and that his feelings for me haven’t changed, and he thinks they have actually become stronger. Another thing is that he seems to be making more sexual innuendos, jokes, and doing things like grabbing my butt when he walks by me, or something like that rather than just lovingly brushing my shoulder or something like he used to. I mean, I know that there is suppose to be passion and sexual attraction in a relationship, but how much is too much? It almost seemed like I was the one who had to initiate the “sweetie pie” type of affection. I addressed the lack of affection concern again because it seems like there are some on days, and some off days. There will be one day where he can’t keep his arms off me, and will keep coming over to hug me, or there are times where I have to go to him (like laying down on the couch for example, or laying my head on his shoulder and being the first to hold hands in the car). Then other times, he can’t hug me without touching me in a sexual way (such as moving his hands down to my butt). Like today for example, seemed to be an “off day”. He had said he was tired and crabby, and he lashed out a couple of times at little things (not at me, just other general life things). I also addressed the concern of the lack of sweet talk again, and he had a few explanations. The first one was that he thinks that sex may have changed our relationship a little, but not in a bad way. Like it brought us up to another level. Then he said that us living together may have also changed something about us, because the whole “discovery process” has already taken it’s course, and because we are doing a lot of every day stuff together like taking care of his daughter, daily chores and errands, etc. He also said that he had already said a lot of those things, so it would be redundant to say them again, so he would have to come up with different things to say. He also said that he thinks I should know how he feels about me and that it hasn’t changed. He wishes I would have more confidence in myself, and in his love for me. However, that doesn’t change the fact that I want him to express it. I’m also a little horrified sometimes when he would rather go upstairs to play video games rather than sit in the living room and watch TV on the couch with me, or if he sometimes has to go and do something around the house. I’ll admit it, I have panicked cried to him a few about this (today being the most recent), and lashed out at him about it…probably a big no-no right?
    With all that said, I guess these are my questions…First of all, is what he said true? That the excitement of the new relationship has subsided, and everything else such as the sex, seeing each other on a daily basis, and getting caught up in daily things have made a change in our relationship? Is it OK not to be “lovey dovey” all the time? Is him touching me in a sexual manner OK? Does that just mean there’s a lot of attraction and passion there and he can still adore me? How can I get him to talk sweet and romantic again? How can I get him to touch me lovingly, and want to be with me all the time? How do I get him to express the way he feels about me more? How much is too much in order for it to be healthy? I’m a little confused about that as you can see, and need some advice. Please help.

    Second email:

    Dear Rori,
    I wrote to you about 2 weeks ago with my story about my boyfriend and I…I’m kind of in panic mode right now, and need a little bit of quick and easy advice on what to do. Unfortunately, at this time I cannot afford to buy your programs. However, I have been following your advice on your newsletters and articles as best I can. I have a slight problem though…It seems like every time I try to tell my man how I’m feeling, it backfires on me. He always says, “why have you been so sad with me all the time?” or “why aren’t you happy with me anymore?” or “why are you getting all ‘emo’ on me?” (emo is a short slang term for emotional). I thought guys “craved” emotion? I’m confused. Could it be perhaps that I’m rehashing the information too many times? Or perhaps I’m communicating the wrong way? I thought I was doing it right. He said to me that whenever I ask him questions about how he feels, or about us, he’ll purposefully not answer me, or beat around the bush and give me a half answer, or an absurd answer because he thinks that I should already know the answer to those questions, and that I’m being silly. He has said that he wishes I would be more confident about myself, and that he loves me. I have also spoken to him again about him not saying sweet things to me anymore, and not telling me that he loves me as often as he used to. His response was, “I do a lot for you. I take you everywhere you need to go, drive everywhere for you, do everything I can to make sure that everything works out for you on a daily basis. Doesn’t that mean more than any words?” I’m guessing he is trying to say that actions speak louder than words? Then he said, “I have been really focused on making sure everyone is fed, taking you to wherever you need to be, going to work, helping you get your life in order, keeping the house warm, etc. I haven’t been thinking of emo things. You shouldn’t consume your mind with it either. You should be focusing on all of the things you need to do, and getting your life in order”. Also, he said that he doesn’t feel the need to hear an “I love you” everyday from me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to…grrr. He said that he thinks once I have my own transportation to get places that everything will be fine after that. He also said, the relationships are about feelings, not the words we use. He also said that he wished sometimes we didn’t talk at all. I said, “We haven’t made love in a week.” Then he responded, “I know, it’s sad, because you’ve just been all emo, and talking about emo stuff.” Then I said, “Well then, maybe next time we wont talk at all.”…Then he said, “Yes! That would be awesome!”. I guess I can take that as, “Hey, quit being negative, and let’s just have our relationship instead of analyzing it”? I don’t know, I just want to be told that I’m loved, I want to be sweet talked, I want to be told I’m beautiful/sexy again…I want him to pour his heart out to me again. Sometimes I’ll remind him of some of the sweet things he said to me, and he seems to get a little annoyed and say, “Oh my god” as in, “Oh my god, here we go.” What’s that suppose mean? Why does that annoy him? Sometimes he doesn’t even remember that he said some of those things. For example, he said before that he love me more than anything. Then when I reminded him of it, he said, “I hope I didn’t say that”. HUH?!?!? I mean I guess if you factor his kids in, that makes sense, but then that means he said something he didn’t mean. What else did he say that he didn’t mean? I don’t get it. I mean, for the most part he is pretty affectionate physically, but I want the fire, and the spark back! I want to go back to when we were out of our minds in love…he says, “We’re in love, we just have to deal with the every day stuff that that comes our way (kids, schedules, driving, work, etc.). I mentioned in my last letter about how we used to be all over each other when we were just riding in the car…I mean, he is still affectionate. He will grab for my hand, or touch my leg, and he’ll either say, “Hey sweetie”, in a sweet voice or I’ll say, “Hi” in a sweet voice and he’ll say, “Hi sweets” back to me or something like that. The other day, he did it, and then when he was stopped at a stop sign he put his head on my shoulder, and did his “hey sweets” thing. Then he said, “Why aren’t you hanging on me? You don’t do that much anymore.” So, does he want the affection too? Is he crying out for it? I’ve been leaning back and trying to let him take the lead…It doesn’t seem to be working the way I want it to…Am I doing something wrong? What is your take on all this? I really need a quick fix, something to do that will give me some progress..Please help me. I’ll also paste the letter I sent you 2 weeks ago below so you can get a good insight of our relationship, and maybe answer the questions I have in that letter as well. Thank you.

    PS- What is your take on the woman randomly saying I love you to her man? Is that a turn-off for him, or is it part of telling him how you feel in the moment? I’m just confused all over as you can see.

    Tuesday, 7 February 2012 @ 6:11am

  595. 595: LisaNo Gravatar says:

    So I leaned forward earlier this week with text to guy to see him, but I had just seen him last week. We have an every other week to every two week pattern. He totally ignored my text and I saw that he actually had important business this week so my days off would not have worked. Being ignored hurts though. Before he would have said no cannot, maybe next week. I fear I have blown it.

    Friday, 17 February 2012 @ 7:26pm

  596. 596: KathyNo Gravatar says:

    I dated a guy for many years who initiated the dates, acted all into me etc. he treated me to all the dates. But after a while, after he said he wanted to be exclusive, he got real ornary and complained about me not bringing him food or ice tea (we lived about 15 miles part) while he was working on his fixer upper, why did he always have to pay, why am I not more available for his needs. He expected things I was clueless about, since he never mentioned it until he blew up about it. He told me I was selfish and didn’t care about him. I did cook for him many times, took turns at each other’s houses, but he sure got pissed if anything even smelled of an imbalance.
    was I dating a man or a boy or is this the norm of today’s “everything is 50-50″ guy . He made sure when he did stuff for me, that I OWED him big time back. Do men expect to be pampered, and how does that not seem like chasing?

    Tuesday, 3 April 2012 @ 2:35pm

  597. 597: trinaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel as though it is in my natural nature to chase…i feel as though the more i read these articles about women needing to “back off” its telling you to to be this girl that just stumbles around waiting for something to happen? i dont get it. its 2012. and i do know of woman chasing and obtaining what they want. so are u basically saying that my nature and other women that have the chasing nature have bad personalities? and are men that want to be chased also have bad personalities? what are u really getting at?

    Friday, 27 July 2012 @ 6:49pm

  598. 598: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    trina – I’m not sure why you came to the blog – because if your love life is going great, and you’re getting what you want, and you’re happy – then, of course you don’t need me! Or any of my advice. And if that’s not the case, if you’re looking for help – I’d encourage you to read around on the blog (each post is just a short bit of my thoughts and ideas and Tools…you really have to get in here and read and participate, and of course, I suggest starting with my ebook – it lays everything out) and see if trying something different might be helpful. Nothing and no one is “bad.” Being happy is where it’s at. Love, Rori

    Friday, 27 July 2012 @ 7:11pm

  599. 599: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    Trina,

    Welcome! Rori’s tools have transformed my life! Three years ago, I was feeling all kinds of insecure in my developing relationship with R. By nature, I was calling him, texting him, begging him, convincing him…

    …and he was pulling further and further away.

    If it weren’t for Rori and the Sirens, that relationship would have long since been history. Thanks to Rori and the Sirens, R and I reunited our friendship and have a fresh start…three and a half years after it all went sour!

    If I felt skeptical about Rori and her tools, I wouldn’t take her word for it…I would try it! And see how it worked compared with what I was already doing.

    But for me, I don’t feel skeptical. I feel eternally grateful. Because the most important person in my life is still in my life, thanks to Rori Raye!

    Friday, 27 July 2012 @ 7:56pm

  600. 600: AliaNo Gravatar says:

    Rori, you are a sage.

    Monday, 30 July 2012 @ 11:01pm

  601. 601: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Alia – Thank you! Love, Rori

    Monday, 30 July 2012 @ 11:10pm

  602. 602: CynthiaNo Gravatar says:

    Hii Rori i have been reading your ebook. I have a question. My relationship ended a year ago, I ask for time. My ex boyfriend was and is very hurt about my decision. I wanted to clear my mind I really love him. Now we have a friendship but I know he has talkin to other women. He is always around he says that he loves me but not the way before our breakup. I was chasing him I stop doin that. But now I’m afraid to lose him. I really do love him. What can I do?

    Tuesday, 16 October 2012 @ 8:03am

  603. 603: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Cynthia – I’m not sure if you love him or if you just don’t want him to love anyone else. I can’t imagine you breaking up with him for small reasons. If you’re meant to be together, it’ll start to happen. What he liked about you was that you didn’t want him all that much. And now that you do – he’s not as interested. That should be your best clue…Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 16 October 2012 @ 10:03am

  604. 604: LenaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori,
    I fear I have ruined things. This guy I met a month ago liked me and I liked him but I started to get needy and a bit full on. So he backed off but we still hung out as friends. Now all if a sudden I am getting no contact no messages and when he does get in touch he says we shouldnt meet up for at least a couple of months. I am not sure if he met someone else but I have kissed a few guys since I met this new boy. But nothing compares:((( also we weren’t exclusive so thats why I kissed someone else but after he started the no contact. I am highly codependent which I am working on but its hard not to txt him, call him fb etc and say what the hell!! How do I get him back if I never see or txt him. And what if he has moved on ?? Ps he said he doesnt want a full relationship right now. Hes not from my country and recently moved here so hes not “settled” in yet!! Help me :(((

    Monday, 19 November 2012 @ 2:20pm

  605. 605: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Lena, I don’t know how old are you, and can’t give you advice (or even allow you on the blog) if you’re under 18, so I’m going to be general about this (yes, you sound VERY young and VERY inexperienced with men). Your issues have nothing to do with him. He’s lost interest, he’s gone. And YOU are left with how YOU are going to be around the next man. Working on your neediness and desperation is what you need to do now, instead of thinking about him. Virginia Clark is an amazing coach for this: http://www.itsnevertoolatetomarry.com.
    Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 20 November 2012 @ 10:23am

  606. 606: ChristinaNo Gravatar says:

    Rori,
    I was messaged by one of my old high school loves on fb and was very flattered he contacted me. We texted back and forth and then he stated he wanted to see me. He invited me to his home for dinner and since then we have had at least seven more dates. I think I over functioned when I started doing nice things for him, plus we ended up sleeping together. After this happened he grew very distant. He stopped texting me and so I paniced and went to see him. I was calm and used feeling messages to talk to him and he said he didnt want to hurt me and he had to find himself. He went into this explanation of how he was used to be mean and had to pull himself out of that and was just now feeling better. I thought I had made progress considering he shared his feelings. He told me he would call but didnt. Its been a week 1/2 since I have heard from him. He had called me his girlfriend and we actually said we had a relationship. I know in his mind it means nothing. Have I lost my chance with him? Is it really too late? Or am I not giving him enough time? Do I just simply need to do the if you don’t commit then you will lose me speech?

    Saturday, 29 December 2012 @ 11:45am

  607. 607: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Christina – Please, please believe what he says – he’s no longer interested in seeing you. That’s the the truth – and your answer must be to accept that as the best for both of you, and start Circular Dating up a storm. Getting hung up on a man after such a short time is a terrible thing to do to yourself. If he changes his mind, he knows where to find you. If you wait around for him, or put any more energy into this than you already have – you won’t feel any better. Love, Rori

    Saturday, 29 December 2012 @ 3:36pm

  608. 608: KarenNo Gravatar says:

    I have a question. I have recently started talking with this man. It is going really well. Met online..we actually grew up on the same neighborhood as children but was 12 years older so I didn’t know him personally. He has been calling me pretty regularly. He seems very interested and excited about seeing me and talking to me. He works seconds for two weeks and days another two weeks. I work days so we have not went out. He came by my work one day so we could meet face to face…I was very pleased and I think he was too. He has kept calling. We talk for an hour each time. And we talk a lot..about all kinds of things. Still have not went out yet…hopefully when he goes on days we will. I think we will. He went out of town over the weekend for his birthday with friends and when he came back he called. He wanted to come see me but I wasn’t feeling that would be good since we had not been out on a date even. I know..a man will try to get that bedroom scene even if they are sweet and kind. And I am very good at setting the limits for myself. Anyway….that is just to fill you in. His birthday is tomorrow. Do I acknowledge it? Text? Call and wish him a happy birthday. Do nothing? He is not little boy, young man. He is 57 so I’m not sure how to handle the older man….I’m 45. I’m used to either my age or younger….I think this is a great thing too. I’m very interested in him because of his age for some reason. So…happy birthday or not? Thanks!

    I’m really happy in my life. I’m independent and been alone for 2 years (by choice). I’m just now opening back up again and letting people in. Yes, I had a terrible breakup 2 years ago. I just want to be happy and have fun and meet people. This man seems kind and sweet and real.

    Monday, 21 January 2013 @ 11:51am

  609. 609: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Karen – sounds to me like you’re working through this really well – and if it were me, I’d text “Happy Birthday…” Love, Rori

    Monday, 21 January 2013 @ 2:17pm

  610. 610: KarenNo Gravatar says:

    Well, it has been going so smoothly. This man has been just amazing, receptive, initiating every time we get together, opens doors, walks me to and from my door, just an awesome mannerly fella. Thing is…he is on an online dating site…It shows when they have last signed on and he is on it daily. It has only a couple of weeks, things are nice and on an even keel…going smoother than I’ve ever had with anyone. But I just know I”m different now. I’m finally at a place I can accept being cared for and loved and treated well. But what do I think about the online dating site? Too soon to expect exclusive….

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 8:37am

  611. 611: McKaylaNo Gravatar says:

    Rori,
    My bestfriend for approximately 3 years and I had gotten into a bit of a fit the other day. I have slightly developed feelings for him, while most of our mutual friend believe he likes me as well. He’s really to blame for everything, and he admits it. He apologized but isn’t fighting back for me as a friend. I don’t know whether I should push myself towards him or wait for him to care or just convince myself it’s all over. What do you think?

    Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 11:12pm

  612. 612: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    McKayla, Welcome, and I don’t know what happened between you – but arguing and fighting can damage delicate feelings and relationships. After 3 years, if he “liked” you – he would have shown it to you. In general, if a man isn’t moving towards you – for friendship even – his interest isn’t strong enough, and very possibly he has interests elsewhere. Go Circular Date! Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 8:22am

  613. 613: ZuliNo Gravatar says:

    Hello Rori,
    Me and my husband have been separated for 9 months (we haven’t filed for divorce yet). We have known each other since we were kids, I left my country 11 years ago and when I went back to visiting my family we saw each other again and fell in love and after 1 year of a long distance relationship I brought him to this country and got married and stayed together for 5 years. He have had ups and downs like all relationships, I got married when I was 20, and he was 22. A year ago we found out that his 50 year old mother (who he was really closed to) had terminal Cancer, and I agreed that he had to go back to our country to take care of her until the end. He and his sister stayed there taking care of her until she died two months later and I was here all by myself taking care of all the bills and sending money over there to help them out. After she died he was so depressed and he decided to stay over there for another month to take care of his 30 year old sister and that just made me feel so angry because I could barely pay the rent over here. So when he came back he was angry at life and God and I was mad at him and stressed and we had a big fight and broke up and he left. For two months after that he was trying to get close to me but we were still too angry at each other and he would say that this time he would not come back, then I lost so much weight and started posting pictures on facebook to make him jealous and i also tried to avoid contact with him for a few days but i was still in touch with our mutual friends and cousins. It’s been like for 9 months, he blames me for not understanding what he was going through, and I have apologized over and over and Tried everything to get him back and it just makes it worst. Every time I hear he is sad I get so depressed and i feel guilty and text him to come back home and he just won’t answer. He keeps telling everybody that he is not the same person after his mother passed away and that he misses me but we are too different. So far it doesn’t look like he is dating anybody and neither am I. I have met a couple of guys and talked to them on the phone but they are just “not him” and probably he has talked to some girls too. Last month I stayed 25 days without texting or calling him and then he posted a song on facebook like he was missing me and I got my hopes up and texted him and them he just pulled back. I just don’t know what to do, I miss him so much but everything Is too confusing, he is showing mixed signals. Three months ago he buys me a new phone and then last month helped me pay for the mechanic. I just don’t know what to think or what to do…. It’s been so hard for me

    Monday, 11 February 2013 @ 1:47pm

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