Instructions for Speechmaking When He’s Stalled and “Not Ready” to Commit to You

Tuesday, 11 August 2009 @ 1:14pm

speech Hi - Nancy wrote a great comment laying out her situation with a man who’s been “not ready” for marriage for over a year — and I wanted to make sure you got my answer, so I’m going to reprint the whole question here and answer it…

“Hello Sirens,

Help me tweak my power speech! My guy of a year and 3 months is stuck and I’m miserable. We have a good love relationship going and he’s the most amazing boyfriend in every respect, except that I want a shared life with a husband and he’s not moving us towards marriage and it’s driving me out of my mind.

So, even though I adore my time with him and he calls me multiple times each day, is affectionate, funny, fun, sexy, supportive, thoughtful and wonderful, I can’t really enjoy my time with him because I’m constantly aware that we’re not in an ultimately comitted relationship and so not really together. We’re great together and it’s beyond a doubt the best relationship I’ve ever had. I’m longing for us to be married so we can live together and really let the relationship take off.

About a month after we met he casually mentioned that we could start discussing marriage after about a year. I never liked that and felt it was too long for me to wait emotionally and now at 1 year 3 months, I can feel that he isn’t even thinking about bringing it up with me. Every so often I explode out of the top of my head and put a ton of pressure on him, to which he never responds well, of course. I’ve realized that I explode because I’m not circular dating and he has all the power. So a few days ago I resolved to go back to the Turnaround and then let him know, in 2 months or so that he can’t expect to keep me all to himself (thank you Rori!) while he’s making up his mind/dealing with his issues.

When I made this plan, I had a ton of pressure built up inside and felt that I also just had to know that I’m not in a dead-end relationship. So that very night I tried to have the talk without having the talk and asked him point blank if he sees us as a couple in a “pre-marriage state” or something (should have written that power speech!) to that effect and he said yes, but that he never wants another divorce, so wants someone really, really compatible and is still assessing. He also said that he sees us as being in a good dating, getting to know each other, committed relationship. He also said I’m pressuring him immensely, that these conversations make him feel like the relationship is going backwards. What really alarmed me is that he cited 3 or 4 reasons why he’s not ready and they are the exact same reasons he gave me 9 months ago:

1. he had a traumatic divorce a year and 8 months ago (married 3 years and she cheated on him. he divorced her immediately and moved out and bought his own home. He has no relationship with her other than some loose ends that he tied up neatly during the first few months of our relationship)

2. he has a “crappy” job with night time hours and his ex cited that as a problem. I myself don’t find it to be a problem and have told him as much several times. It’s also not a crappy job. It’s an exciting job for him in many ways - driving limos full of exciting rock stars and other VIPs. The pay is not huge, but I’ll take an affectionate, fun and loving man without money over many men I’ve met with money anyday.

3. we can’t sell our houses now because the economy is so bad that we’d lose money.

Obviously, there has been NO movement on his part over this last year!

I understand that a man’s career is super important to him. I understand that he had a hurtful experience and has needed time. I broke up with him in January fearing I was a rebound. After a month he told me he loved me and missed me and that I was never a rebound and he stopped talking about his ex. But my gut tells me that these are mostly excuses he uses to keep me from storming the door. And I don’t WANT to be storming the door. I want HIM to take the lead, pick up the ball and walk me up that bridge. I’d be so EXCITED and HAPPY to marry him.

After this way too long and excruciating talk the other night, I fled to my laundry room, leand up against my stackable washer/dryer and buried my eyes in the crook of my arm. I didn’t want to look at the results of how much I pushed him. I felt SO AFRAID. My dogs came in to see how I was and I knelt down to hug them. He got up and walked through the house, looked down at me and said “I think I’ll just go home.” I just looked up at him and said “Okay.” I sat where I was until he was gone. I feel like he took the power in the relationship and walk out with it!

That was four days ago and this is the first time this has happened, so it’s scary. I am not going to call him. I’ve prepared my speech and would love some help tweaking it and some reassurance that this is the right time to use it, when he calls. In the meantime I’m dating myself (out to dinner alone and pretty comfortable! out to a movie tonight! I’m amazing!) and working on myself and regaining my power. I’m working on ‘flirting with the world’ and making myself beautiful.

Here’s my speech:

You know, I get that you need time and I really don’t want to pressure you. But, I don’t want to be one of those women who is waiting around for her man to make up his mind. I can’t stand the feeling that I may be in a dead end relationship. I’m not looking for a really long courtship. I’m looking for the real deal and am feeling ready. I’m in a relationship because I’m looking for a shared life, together.

And I don’t want to rush you. You are absolutely entitled to take as much time as you need. But I don’t want a dead end relationship and I don’t want to wait through a really long courtship. I love myself and I have to pay attention to my own feelings and needs. I don’t want to wait. However, of course you can have all the time you want and need to assess us, to develop your career, to heal from your ex, whatever you need. I don’t want to rush or pressure you. But, you can’t have me all to yourself while you’re taking your time and making up your mind.

I love what we have together and I don’t want to break up. I’ll remain sexually exclusive with you while you’re making up your mind, but that’s all.

Please tell me what you think and give me your feedback about whether this is the right time to use it.

Thanks! Nancy”

***Here’s my answer:

Nancy - brilliant comment - brilliant speech. Here are instructions:

1. Make it very short, with the main pooints you have here, so you can say it simply and calmly, and then smile and DROP it…

2. This is YOUR statement - you’re not looking for “permission” - or even “discussion.” Don’t even ask him what he “thinks” about this…just say it…It’s your Mission Statement for Nancy’s life…period - it is NOT ABOUT HIM!

This means you say it as “I feel…..I don’t want…what do you think…” but the “what do you think” doesn’t have to be there….up to YOU and what feels most powerful…

3. How to deal with your emotions around all this:

>>You FEEL all kinds of things: WRITE THEM DOWN. Examples: I feel angry, resentful, confused, weird, uncomfortable, stuck, trapped……

>>You DON’T WANT all kinds of things - Write Them Down, too…Examples: I don’t want to put pressure on the relationship. I don’t want to attack you…I don’t want to be angry (it doesn’t feel good to feel angry, and I don’t like feeling that way…)I don’t want to “talk” about this or “think” about it so much…I don’t want to try to convince you of anything, or rush you. I don’t want to chase you, or make you feel pushed or trapped.

>>You have ALL KINDS OF OPTIONS - Write them down. Examples: Circular Dating, Dating Yourself, taking classes, going to lectures, dressing differently, changing your hair, your colors, your makeup, whitening your teeth, taking a small trip out of town by yourself…

>>You want to work out all your feelings BEFOREHAND, so you can SPEAK them if the conversation gets longer than your one, simple statement

>>You want your PRIMARY emotion to be EXCITEMENT for your own life and your own dreams, and your own possibilities.

>>Workout your anger and write about it in words you can SPEAK, as much as you can beforehand, and then if it comes up, you can say, “I’m feeling resentful and angry and I don’t like feeling that way, because I don’t want to pressure you.”

>>Whether you’re feeling emotional, or you’re feeling almost numb so you’re being “reasonable” - say ONE SENTENCE AT A TIME.

4. Keep everything as short as possible, so you can track your emotions from moment to moment — and be prepared to speak your feelings as they come up, in words you’ve already written down for yourself. This helps TREMENDOUSLY.

5. Make sure you’ve planned something fun to do that you can turn and go do whenever you feel the urge to keep talking.

Okay - These are INSTRUCTIONS for speechmaking at this critical place of a stuck relationship.

I absolutely love Nancy’s statement of “I’ll remain sexually exclusive with you while you’re making up your mind, but that’s all…”

To just briefly touch on all his “excuses” - it doesn’t MATTER whether they are “valid” excuses or just excuses…there’s absolutely NO POINT in analyzing and judging his “whys.”

The ONLY important thing is what YOU want — and what you’re willing to negotiate for, what you’re willing to settle for, what you’re willing to tolerate…and what you’re willing to DO for yourself to GET what you want.

This thing about him being afraid because he’s been “cheated” on is a BIG thing men say and rely on. In other words — he’s THREATENING you, very subconsciously.

When a man has this in his past and tells you about it — he’s telling you that he expects you to be TRUE and LOYAL, and that if you veer from it — by having lunch with another man, he would cross you off his list. That you’d “violate” his needs.

And this is just, excuse me…okay, I’ll be less colorful here - horsecrap.

The TRUTH is - EVERY man knows that if he isn’t marrying you, he has NO VALID claim on you. He KNOWS he can’t expect LOYALTY (as in “exclusivity”) if he hasn’t committed to you. It’s plain, basic “man-speak” — whether he owns up to it or not.

And the more we buy into this, the less respect, on a deep, subconscious level, he has for you. I would be willing to guess that he didn’t divorce his ex just because she cheated on him. There was more and uglier stuff he can’t even get to inside his brain and heart. If someone cheats on us — every single one of us blames ourselves for it. We’re enraged at them, but we think it’s because we weren’t “enough” (plenty around this for another discussion).

NOW - and this is IMPORTANT — along with this speech and your Boundaries - you’re going to have to work extra hard with the Siren Tools of opening up your heart and being an INVITATION for him. the deeper you can go emotionally, the more you can welcome him into your heart when he shows up in a good way…the bigger your impact. (Again - for more another discussion around Modern Siren.)

So — stick to your plan, your instructions, and stick to YOURSELF. We’re all behind you.

Let us know how it goes for you, Nancy, and let me know how it works for all of you..Love, Rori

written by Rori Raye • Permalink • Leave a Comment »

Tina says:

After my speech, I realized that I didnt feel I wanted to be sexually exclusive either. I didn’t want to spend any time with him at all. I do still have feelings of sadness and loneliness but I get through my feelings as best I can, I dont want to do anything that feels like leaning forward concerning him. I dont email, no phone, nothing, I do feel the pull and my instinct is to look for him, call him whatever. I dont know if this is a good thing, I just dont. My stance serves me well at times.

Tuesday, 11 August 2009 @ 3:13pm

Ann says:

Thank you Rori for another great article and thank you Nancy for sharing. I’ve always been a strong opinionated female but with Rori’s tools I’m learning how to be strong & soft simultatiously(sp). I feel the less crap we take from a man the more he’ll respect and value us. And I’m not saying everything a man does is crap, what I’m saying is the more we value, respect and take care of ourselves first the more a man will respond.

Tuesday, 11 August 2009 @ 3:29pm

Aldonza says:

Yep, my speech said nothing about sexual exclusivity either. Of course we weren’t in a real relationship when I gave this speech either, so there wasn’t a lot I was “taking away”. But I also wasn’t willing to make promises I didn’t know that I wanted to keep.

Tuesday, 11 August 2009 @ 3:30pm

Linda says:

Here is my situation. I drew my boundary…. he gave me all his whys and excuses. (the same old stuff). I walked. I did not care. I have to focus on me and I am. A week later, he is on my porch talking, telling me all the things he is sorry for (as well he should be). I deliver my speech. Full of feeling messages and tears silently running down my cheeks at times. I felt good telling him how I felt and what had to be for me to be in this at all with him. His response? I did not care I guess…. I had put myself first. Mr closed heart openned up. … He moves close and wipes my tears. Holds both my hands…did not let go….

Is that the going deep and becoming an invitation to him?

Linda

Tuesday, 11 August 2009 @ 3:44pm

Jody says:

I need your help ladies!!! Ive been having this online thing with man. We live very different lives. Normally I would never even consider anyone like this.
He pursued me, and was sweet, and forward. I have feelings for him, but his messages are getting shorter and less frequent.. im suppose to meet him this weekend.
here is my speech…

I loved the way u pursued me, the attention, and the sweet words, peaked my interest, and I was beginning to feel very drawn to you. I want and need those feelings to be attratcted to a man, to feel special, sexy, and desired, and valued. Right now Im not feeling all that attracted anymore, and its all starting to feel bad. I am starting to doubt spending my time and energy making the trip to meet in person.

please feedback!!! i like him, but i dont want to be taken advantage of again. HELP!!!!!

Tuesday, 11 August 2009 @ 7:24pm

Nancy says:

Wow, thank you Rori. Your compliments make me feel like I’m on the right track and that feels just great. I’ll definitely let all of you know how it goes. When he sits down with me to discuss his concerns, which is what he has planned (after doing a lot of soul searching, he says), I will have my speech with me and will read it if it feels right. I’m open to what feels right at that moment; my other plan being to experiment with going back to the Turn Around and doing it more completely. Since I’ve periodically had “the talk” with him (while trying to pretend it was something other than “the talk”) I’d really like to see what happens if I stop doing that (which I feel ready to do for the first time), as well as spending way less time at his home, more at my own, dating myself and flirting with the world. Oh, the other things I’m going to stop are paying for any events. He almost always pays for dinner and regular dates, but I’ve been “event hungry” and since I have more money than he does, I’ve just jumped online and bought us concert tickets many times. He drives us to them and buys dinner and drinks, but I’m going to stop doing that. I do really well with most of the Turn Around tools but have struggled with a few big ones. Truth is, I’ve been selling the realtionship to him all along in one way or another. I see that now and I feel that if I don’t take another couple to few months and really STOP all of that, I’ll never know what might have happened if I did. It’s time for me to truly lean back and stop making excuses to MYSELF about why I’m not (”Oh, but we’ll have so much fun if I do that…”) I feel I can pull out my speech at any moment and read it.
This is all contingent upon what he decides to do. He felt pressured the other night and still stood there and told me that yes, he does see us as moving towards marriage. If at any time during my experiment he makes movements towards taking that off the table - out comes the speech. We’ll see what happens!
Thanks for the support, the tools and the love.
Love, Nancy

Tuesday, 11 August 2009 @ 7:25pm

Simply Shannon says:

Rori: Truly perfect timing. I have no idea how you do that but I’m forever grateful.

Nancy: You rock girl. Plain and simple. I feel so impressed with what you are doing. I would love to know how it goes, so please keep us updated.

I’m coming back later (maybe tomorrow) with my speech for Friday with A. I feel powerful again today. I feel amazed at my ability to rebound from what I thought was devastation. I am in control here. I am so tired of feeling afraid. Not anymore. This is MY life damnit.

Shannon

Tuesday, 11 August 2009 @ 7:39pm

MJ says:

These speeches are inspiring to me. Why is it so hard to bring up the subject of the future with someone you are intimate with? I struggle with that- have written feeling messages and am just starting to use them- the speech has been written too, but am TERRIFIED to say it (we are both in our fifties and have just passed the one year mark). However, there is something about Rori’s philosophy that just makes such sense.

Tuesday, 11 August 2009 @ 8:37pm

gretchen santos says:

Hi rori,

I have this guy admirer whom i recently reconnected at facebook after 20 years. Although we live in two different continents, he’s in the US and I am here in Asia, I’d like to know how I can maintain his love and excitement through facebook without coming out too aggressive on my part. How do i function in feminine energy at Facebook considering this is virtual? We both like each other very much and we are both single.

Tuesday, 11 August 2009 @ 9:07pm

Berri says:

yay Nancy and Shannon, I am so admiring your breakthrough’s right now.

I am hoping that you lovely ladies can help me with my situation. I am currently in a long distance relationship. My boyfriend and I have been fighting lately and now it is to the point where he won’t even speak to me. I think I put too much pressure on him about moving to be with me next year, also I have been quite clingy and homesick lately. How can I undo this damage? I am feeling scared that he is on the verge of breaking up with me and I don’t want that to happen, things were brilliant only a month ago! I am going back home tomorrow and am hoping to catch up with him but not sure what to say if we do see each other. Do you think a power speech is appropriate? Here is what I am feeling so far:

I feel sorry for pressuring you. I don’t want to pressure you or try to convince you to do anything you don’t want to. If you need time and space to work through your problems I don’t want to stop that from happening.
I don’t want to be ignored by a man when I am in a committed relationship; it feels like loneliness and rejection, and this feels bad. I feel scared and lonely. I want to feel loved and secure and adored in a relationship. I don’t want to argue or fight in a relationship, I want to feel connected and heard. I don’t want to ignore you or what you are saying, I want to listen and understand. I want to be in a committed loving relationship where I can share my life with someone special to me. I want to feel safe to communicate with in the relationship and I want my partner to feel safe enough to know that I will listen to them too and won’t judge.
I love myself and I have to pay attention to how I’m feeling and what I want. If you are uncertain of our future together you can’t have me to yourself while you make up your mind. I love what we have shared together and I don’t want to break up. I’ll remain sexually exclusive with you if you are able to do the same for me while you are making up your mind, but that’s all.
What do you think we should do?

Is this too full on? Should I cut it down a bit?

xoxxooxxo

Tuesday, 11 August 2009 @ 9:09pm

My speech, as screwed up as I felt, required me of some form of action. I require that of myself ACTION. I just love the Misson Statement. I kept my speech to a minimum, I left out words that I had to question myself about, such as, IM SORRY, what am I sorry for exactly? should I feel sorry that I want a committed/marriage situation?. I sorry for what?. I’m sorry that I have to say this?. isnt that my point though, to say how I feel, so what do I have to feel sorry for?. my feelings?, my thoughts? my future?. stability? love? affection? this could go on and on. no I dont feel sorry. Berri I felt triggered by your I”m sorry at the beginning of your speech. I hope this helps.

Tuesday, 11 August 2009 @ 11:19pm

Thanks for your comment Tina. I feel that I have explained my sorry and that it is true and valid for me. Maybe I should elaborate… “I feel sorry for pressuring you so much to move next year and I get that it is a big deal for you”. And I do FEEL sorry about this. My boyfriend can be rather sensitive and I can come across pretty strong and unyielding when I want something. I believe this is a partial reason he has withdrawn. I also feel that I have acted like a bit of a brat to him leading up to him being withdrawn and that I wasn’t respecting his space as much as I should have. But that is still no good excuse for him to ignore me. But… they say it takes two to tango.

I believe you shouldn’t apologise unless you truly feel sorry and have done an action to warrant apologising. Tina, if you are unclear on what you feel you might be apologising for, maybe there is no apology necessary.

keep smiling
xooxxooxxoo

Tuesday, 11 August 2009 @ 11:33pm

Ok, I want to apoligize for my behaviour recently, the truth is I feel uncertain about our future together.

Wednesday, 12 August 2009 @ 12:24am

I dont want to pressure you about our future anymore. I “get” that you need time and space.

Wednesday, 12 August 2009 @ 12:32am

Berri,

I’m not an editor as you can tell from my writting. I just feel like editing your speech thank you.

Tina

Wednesday, 12 August 2009 @ 12:34am

I would keep the original for future referance though.

I feel happy and cherish the time we have spent together, I dont want to end this. I feel you cant have me to your self so I will be accepting dates from other men. I will remain sexually exclusive with you, if thats what it takes.

I dont know about time and date to “talk” , I just said “dont want to long” its kinda open ended but yeah, doesnt matter to me now, I’ve already started circular dating, the rest is up to him, I dont feel certain that I ever wanted a long term commitment from him now.

Wednesday, 12 August 2009 @ 12:59am

Symantha says:

When I saw Nancy’s post I felt so identified with her situation as I was there as well but living together, a gorgeous engagement ring and no wedding DATE and I was feeling strung along as he was repeating he wasn’t ready, just divorced, not financally stable, blah blah blah. My story is under Rori’s question post. I’ll update Rori and you lovely sirens later as after working with this gorgeous women an following her work and blog I’m finding myself, the first step to love yourself and therefore have the relashipship you want! This has bee the most well expent money I ever had and the coaching with Rori few months back is like a seed on my heart that I stil feel growing inside me up today.
XoXo
Symantha

Wednesday, 12 August 2009 @ 3:12am

Mercedes says:

Rori: “The ONLY important thing is what YOU want — and what you’re willing to negotiate for, what you’re willing to settle for, what you’re willing to tolerate…and what you’re willing to DO for yourself to GET what you want.”

Man…that was a long hard lesson for me to learn, but once I did and was able to communicate it all to J…WOW! My life changed forever! I probably didn’t follow your plan for giving my speech (I didn’t know about you or your plan at the time) and said it on the fly without thinking much about anything…just spoke from my heart, but…in any case…whatever I said…it meant a lot to him and he did a lot of work after that to win my heart back.

I like this too: “The TRUTH is - EVERY man knows that if he isn’t marrying you, he has NO VALID claim on you. He KNOWS he can’t expect LOYALTY (as in “exclusivity”) if he hasn’t committed to you. It’s plain, basic “man-speak” — whether he owns up to it or not.

And the more we buy into this, the less respect, on a deep, subconscious level, he has for you.”

But for some of us, that committment isn’t marriage and probably never will be. I’m a believer that that’s okay as long as it is also truly what we want in our hearts and there is no “pretending” or another “agenda” somewhere inside of us.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Wednesday, 12 August 2009 @ 6:25am

Maryland says:

awesome!!!!
it’s all i can say!!!!
Rory, what you recomend to Nancy
that’s exactly what i’m doing!!!!
and i hope my plan it’s going to work!!!!
cause
i’ve got blind faith in you and and doing everything just for a good reason
love

Wednesday, 12 August 2009 @ 6:41am

Here’s my speech so far. Yes / no? Remember this is in response to A who cheated on me two weekends ago. This will be our first time seeing one another since then. Should I even go there on our first meeting? Anyhoo, here it is:

I’ve loved every minute we’ve had together. It has felt amazing to be with you. I want to continue seeing you, but I also don’t want to pressure you or chase you. I don’t want to try to convince you of anything or tell you how you should feel. But I have to pay attention to my own feelings and needs. And I feel safer keeping my options open and seeing other men. I won’t be sleeping with anyone, including you… at least not until I feel more trusting. If you want to talk to me, call me. If you want to ask me out, then ask me out. Right now I feel okay about seeing you but I’ll have to see how I feel as time goes by. I can’t promise anything. What do you think?

Wednesday, 12 August 2009 @ 8:27am

Shannon,

I like it!!!
-Jody

Wednesday, 12 August 2009 @ 9:17am

Shanon,
This is the very same guy who cheated on you?

Wednesday, 12 August 2009 @ 9:20am

Option 2:

A, I feel so good when I’m with you. I’ve loved all of our adventures and the time we’ve spent together. But I feel confused right now. On the one hand, I feel angry about what happened. On the other hand I still love you. I don’t know how all of this is going to play out. Right now I still want to see you. At the same time I don’t feel comfortable being exclusive. I won’t be having sex with anyone else, and for now, I won’t be sleeping with you either. It just doesn’t feel safe to me. I don’t want to feel angry anymore. It doesn’t feel good. I don’t want to hold this over your head or play the victim. I feel tired (bored) with that. I don’t want to pressure you or try to make you feel something you don’t. You have to decide that for yourself. So for now, I just want to see how it goes and decide how I feel about us later. What do you think?
- - - - - - -
Which one sounds better to all of you? I think option 2 sounds more authentic to how I truly feel. I really don’t know what I want right now. I feel scared to admit that I want him after what has happened. And it feels even scarier to want someone who may not even really want me. Ugh. I don’t know what I’m doing.

Bethany says:

I would cut this last part: “If you want to talk to me, call me. If you want to ask me out, then ask me out. Right now I feel okay about seeing you but I’ll have to see how I feel as time goes by. I can’t promise anything. What do you think?” It’s directive of him and subtly instructing him…otherwise, you go, lady…you are amazing.

Shannon: I think about you so much right now and it’s probably because this brings back so many memories of what happend to me and how I felt.

When J and I broke up the first time, he was with another woman (sexually) while we were apart. It hurt so much. I missed him a lot (mostly, I missed my best friend) and he missed me too (also his best friend). We had been together for over a year and I had recently moved to another state to be near him and everything felt so wonderful…but he still reached out to another woman and invited her into his bed very soon after we ended our relationship. This should have told me we didn’t exactly have the foundation I thought we had, because if it had been strong, he would have needed time to heal from our breakup. He didn’t.

Immediatly after it happened, he assured me he regretted it and was sorry and it wasn’t going to happen again and it was just a weak moment and he was rebounding from me..etc, etc, etc…I took him back into my life. We got back together quickly and I soon discovered nothing had changed.

The second time we broke up, it was because he cheated on me. He instantly regretted it and said he was sorry and it would never happen again. That wasn’t NEAR enough for me. He needed to do a lot of work on himself. He needed to be able to figure out why it happened. What was it about her that drew him in? What was wrong with our relationship that made it not enough? What happened? Without the answers to those questions, it was bound to happen again. He first started with “it wasn’t you or us, it was me.” and continued the “I’m so sorry. I miss you so much. It will never happen again. I could never hurt you that way ever again. I have all of these regrets and I have to live with myself.” blah blah blah.

We were apart for about 8 months while I dated and he worked on himself. He needed to discover some things about what he wanted and needed in a relationship and I needed to decide the same for me. WE needed to see if we could provide those needs to each other or not. We barely spoke (mostly me ignoring him) for a very long time. We did not date each other. He did his work and I did mine. When we did start talking consistently again, it was mostly about the answers to those questions and where he wanted to go in life. For me, his words did not affect me for a very long time. It was only after he got to a place where he was happy in his own life (but said he could never be FULLY happy without me) and until he was able to really let go of the things that drew him to other women that I really started to think about trying again with him. Things went slowly and I continued to date other men even after I decided to let him take me out on that “first date”.

We are so incredibly happy now, but I know that if I were in that same situation with another man, I wouldn’t do it the again. I’m not sure all men are willing to work on themselves the way J was, but I hope for your sake that A is able to answer those questions and heal the part of him that needed to reach out to a woman who wasn’t you before you give him your heart again.

Anyway…that’s my long story to tell you how much my heart goes out to you and how much I really hope he’s healing for the sake of himself and your relationship and not just for the sake of getting you back into his arms.

Wednesday, 12 August 2009 @ 10:25am

Mercedes: I can’t tell you how much it means to read your words right now. I don’t know if A can do what J did. Hell, I don’t know if I can do what you did. I don’t know if I can forgive and move on. I just feel like saying to him what I really feel. I’m feeling confused and unsure about our future together but I still have strong feelings for him. I do. That’s the truth. I miss him. At the same time, I don’t want a relationship with him just because we miss each other’s company. I want friendship but not at the cost of passion. I know friendship is not enough (clearly). I don’t want a friend. I want a relationship with a man that can’t live his life without me and vice versa… who can’t imagine being in the arms of another because he loves me too much. And every day that goes by, that “missing him” feeling gets smaller and the pain is easing up.

Maybe one day (like you and J) we’ll look back and think of this time as the point that brought us closer. Or maybe this is just all it will be, and someone else is out there who is better for me. I don’t know. Until I do, I’m going to be seeing other people. It takes the pressure off in ways that amaze me (the previously circular dating doubter).

And I think I just found my speech.

Thank you Mercedes. I am truly inspired by your ability to be vulnerable and to work through your feelings with J. I feel glad for you that it all worked out in the end. And I know for me that no matter what happens, it’s all going to work out too.

Wednesday, 12 August 2009 @ 11:03am

Shannon: I think you found your speech too! And…I do think it’s so importantfor you to tell him how you’re feeling. I wish you the best with this and I’ll be thinking of you…

Wednesday, 12 August 2009 @ 11:24am

Simply Shannon, I like the feel of your speech. I like the feel of all the speechs, I learn so much even if it’s just one line in a comment. I liked what you said about loneliness isnt enough to keep us together. Missing him does get smaller and the pain does ease up. I feel as long as I’m in action, meaning if I am doing the tools there is no way I’ll go back, I can only go forward. I want to learn and discover things about myself every day. I dont want to waste my life. It’s not enough for me to feel lonely and want him back , back to the way things were before I found this site. I struggled a life time with deserving/undeserving self sabotaging behavior , I still do just not so often and not to the degree I did before. That feels ok for me, I found my horses,yes I have two. I’m still wanting a pole though, it just sounds like so much fun. I going to make a list of gifts to myself, hehe a pole and a kayak yup.

Wednesday, 12 August 2009 @ 5:38pm

Tina: I love the idea of two horses. A spare for when I want to ride a different one. LOL!

If I haven’t said it already, I highly recommend circular dating. I feel so much calmer now and feel open to whatever comes my way. My phone has never gone off quite so much as it has this past week. It has truly been a God-send to me. Kept me from “thinking” too much. I don’t know what will happen on Friday with A. I’m almost considering just going and having fun with him. I’m not committed to him anymore, so maybe I’ll just treat him like any other date. I’m wondering if there isn’t something to that article about letting him work through his stuff and really leaning back. If I have a discussion with him, it will just make him feel bad. And realistically having the conversation with him right now will only bring me down. I haven’t forgotten (and I’m sure he hasn’t either). I just don’t feel the pressure to push him for a commitment of anything when I have no idea what *I* want. I don’t know. I’m kind of winging it right now. I’ve got my speech in my backpocket. We’ll see how I feel on Friday.

Tonight I feel relaxed. Sitting outside on my porch, drinking a beer, and hoping to see some meteors from the meteor shower. So far no luck. Going to get one more beer and then go to bed. Night all. Shannon

Wednesday, 12 August 2009 @ 7:36pm

I needed help, and no one cared….

Wednesday, 12 August 2009 @ 7:51pm

Karen says:

Jody, I only just now got a chance to read this post and it’s comments. Since no one else responded, I’ll do my best to help. I feel that you have a great speech already, but it needs just a few tweaks to give it more impact. Here’s the way I think RR would approve of it.
“The way u pursued me, the attention, and the sweet words, peaked my interest, and I was beginning to feel very drawn to you. I need those feelings to be attracted to a man. I also need to feel valued. Right now Im feeling less valued, and its all starting to feel bad. I feel that I’m wasting my time and energy making the trip to meet in person. What do you think? ”
Let me know if this helps, okay?

Wednesday, 12 August 2009 @ 8:09pm

Jody: I feel bad that you think no one cares. That’s not the case. Just been too preoccupied with my own stuff. I feel selfish but it is what it is.

So here’s my two cents on your speech. I would keep it short and pause between each sentence. I wouldn’t go for a long speech. Since he hasn’t met you yet, he may be clueless about these things. And maybe he’s just not investing so much until he actually meets you. (Just a different way to look at it.) Pause and let him say stuff in between. And then you may not need the whole speech.
- - - - - -
I feel anxious about meeting you this weekend. Pause. (He may ask why. And you can follow with the next sentence.)

I feel distant from you. I like to be pursued, the attention, the sweet words. I miss that. Pause.

I feel concerned about spending my time and making the trip. Pause.

What do you think?
- - - - -
I hope that helps. Let us know how it goes and if you go this weekend. Shannon

Wednesday, 12 August 2009 @ 8:22pm

Jody, I feel first of all, you should not go meet him in his town thats leaning forward. I feel you should not do that, time, gas, money, food ,investing to much lol. He is blowing you off online, maybe? we dont know that, it just feels that way for you. When Im feeling uncomfortable ,usually im leaning forward in some way, or thinking about it.

Wednesday, 12 August 2009 @ 11:19pm

Christine says:

Dear Rori,

I have done it! I have won the battle! My now ex fiance has totally stopped communicating with “Leah” his co-worker. But now what? He says that he is having a trust issue that he has been burned now by 3 women, (I am not one of the 3) how do I go from “friend” back to lover? On one hand he talks about moving on from me and yet I can still hug, cuddle and kiss him and he wants to do things with me like see a movie or hike; things that we use to do together before all of this mess happened. To me that doesn’t sound like someone who wants to move on but then what do I know about how a guy thinks? I have been told by friends to give him time and the space that he feels like he needs and then he will come back around to me. What do you think? I trust your advice since your advice has been spot on since this whole mess started a month ago now.

P.S. I might be pregnant as well!

Thursday, 13 August 2009 @ 7:41am

Tracy says:

I feel happy today…..i feel glad that i am in a good place and i am making progress..it feels great and i feel glad to be in this blog…

Thursday, 13 August 2009 @ 9:38am

nikita says:

hello Ladies

I’d like to share this video. It reminds me so much of what Rori speaks about in her book and with us. I hope the link works.

xxx Nikita

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12BhS22ZySA&feature=related

Thursday, 13 August 2009 @ 10:39am

Rori Raye says:

Gretchen, don’t even try. Please. Focus on the men who are close to you logistically. Trying to connect with a man so far away is just damaging yourself more - further intensifying your fear of intimacy. Get out there and Circular Date! Love, Rori

Thursday, 13 August 2009 @ 10:54am

MJ, welcome, and — Brava to you for stepping up for yourself and beginning to speak your truth! Just take the steps, use the Tools, and PRACTICE. If you can’t speak the truth to a man, if you can’t share your feelings with him and be authentic, vulnerable and REAL with him — you have no relationship. After 1 year, if you can’t talk to him, you have to learn how. Start small. Use my Tools and start with OTHER people, just like I outline in my book and programs. This is what Circular Dating is for…to baby-step your way into learning how to talk with a man in a way that brings him close, tells the Truth, and does NOT push him away. You’ll be amazed how fast this works for you. Love, Rori

Thursday, 13 August 2009 @ 10:57am

Christine, Oh my goodness — the possible pregnancy is completely separate from the relationship. He sounds to me like he wants to be “friends.” That’s all. Of course he’s cuddling and kissing you - who wouldn’t? It doesn’t mean anything if he doesn’t follow through. Please, Please prepare yourself to be a fabulous, amazing, fantastic single mother. If you ARE pregnant, this might just be the thing that changes your life in a GOOD way. So MANY women have attracted fabulous men AFTER they’ve had babies. Talk about “changing your vibe” - when your child is more important than a man - you turn into a “Siren” almost automatically! Love, Rori

Thursday, 13 August 2009 @ 11:01am

Daria says:

I feel so excited! I just got a letter from a guy who teaches guys to attract girls (pua i guess… named Joseph Matthews) and this is what it said

“QUESTION FROM A READER:>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Is there a difference between a Nice Guy
and a Gentleman? I consider myself a
gentleman. Unfortunately I don’t know how
to tease girls or flirt, I haven’t acquired
the skills YET. So I act like a gentleman.

Kyle

MY RESPONSE:>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Let me give you a brief language lesson…

The word “Gentleman” is really a combination
of two words:

GENTLE and MAN.

Gentle can be defined as “affable, agreeable,
benign, meek, trained… and nice.”

Man can be defined as “boy, chap, dude, or…
guy.”

GENTLE MAN = NICE GUY.

The concept that the two are any different
at all just doesn’t work.

Saying you’re a “gentleman” who doesn’t know
how to flirt, is the same as saying “I’m a man
who likes to be nice to women and get nothing
in return.”

Now, if that’s what you want, by all means,
consider yourself a “gentleman.”

You’ll get a lot of nice smiles, and “thank
yous” from the women…

Right before they go home with another guy
who ISN’T YOU.

But here’s where I think you’re getting
confused…

You don’t NEED to be a jerk to easily attract
women. It is possible to be NICE to women and
have them be attracted to you.

But you can’t simply be a sexually-neutered
“nice guy” or “gentle man.”

You NEED to have an aspect of male sexuality
to your personality (i.e. flirting and teasing).

For instance…

Think of James Bond for a second if you will.

Here’s a guy who’d be considered a “gentleman.”

He’s suave, smooth, and sophisticated.

But he’s also IRRESISTIBLE to women. Why?

Because he has a lusty glare. He has a sly
smirk. He speaks with double entente. He
teases the woman he’s talking to. He
emphasizes his sexuality.

And if you ask women if they would consider
James Bond a “gentleman,” they would totally
say “YES!”

So what separates you from James Bond?

(Well, besides the fact you’re not a secret
agent for the British Government.)

Simple:

IT’S KNOWING HOW TO FLIRT!

Flirting isn’t just for women! Men MUST do it
if they want to attract a potential partner.

Being a good flirt is about embracing your
own sexual nature as a man.

Now, this can be difficult if you’re not used
to it. But trust me, women love it!

If you think you’re stuck being a “nice guy” or
consider yourself a “gentleman,” but don’t find
yourself having any real success with women,
just use this simple rule:

WWBD.

WHAT WOULD BOND DO?

Would he stand a little closer to a woman than
the average man would?

Would he look at her lustfully?

Would he smile and joke about sex with her?

Would he take the lead, grab her by the hand,
and lead her to someplace more intimate?

The possibilities are endless when you know
how to flirt and tease a woman.”

i feel excited… this is what is missing from my own nice guy! I want to be Flirted with and Teased a little bit.!

yay!

now i could finally put my finger on whats missing and what i want

yay

Thursday, 13 August 2009 @ 11:44am

Daria: I am laughing at myself right now. Reading your note… just reading it… has me feeling turned on. My face is blushing. Yes, it would feel fabulous to be teased and flirted with like that. So much of being sexual with someone is the build up beforehand (at least for me it is). Some of my most intense turn-ons happened in the most innocent of places because a) I couldn’t jump him right there and b) he stood close or whispered in my ear or pulled me somewhere private. Gawd. This feels good. Thank you for sharing that! Shannon

Thursday, 13 August 2009 @ 11:56am

i feel so excited. I just got picked up to hang out with some friends in romania. (Dock btw that’s really cool your nephew is here… what city is he in /?)

well… i have been struggling and am ready to let go of struggling with something that is not really a problem but i didnt really understand

in America i am attracted to mostly black men

however, in Romania i am attracted to Romanian men

i was feeling concerned that 1. i am shutting down my options some way… and 2. that people judge me

anyways ummm my point was that
i was at a table with a bunch of guys. The one on my right was not particularly interesting at first.

Then he was talking about his web design business and i thought hmm.. maybe its cool to make a contact

then he talked about “couch surfing” an organization where people travel and stay for free with others

well he was telling us about his sexual experiences with some girls who came through, making jokes about it, telling us about one girl who he said dang i can’t do this everynite lol

ok so then after these stories (which i guess showed his sexuality and after i was kind of admiring of him as having his own business) welll

i feel attracted to him

i feel excited and i feel a big smile on my face

yaya

i love romanian men they are confident and self possessed enough for me… i feel often attracted to them even seeing them walking around on the street

Thursday, 13 August 2009 @ 1:36pm

Shannon i feel glad you liked the article.

now i dont know… the guy who is nice to me but i dont feel turned on by, he doesnt ever tease me. he makes sexual comments sometimes, which is ok,
but he often makes moves on me after he’s said somethng very baby talk like

i like to be teased a little bit, i consider it flirting

does that mean im reacting from my trauma?

i dont care

i feel good being teased (not in a mean way) and flirted with… i feel like im being paid attention to and also i feel awakened and excited and sparkly eyed and happy and smiling and laughing

Thursday, 13 August 2009 @ 1:38pm

I want to communicate my ideas well and effectively. I feel scared. I feel excited. I want to be able to “get through” to people and help them.

In a good way, not a projecting/forcing my solutions onto them kinda way (NV).

I am having a conflict of ideas between letting people do what they choose and forcibly forcing them to do what is good (ie… not allowing someone to commit suicide by force, or not allowing them to abuse destructive drugs by force.;;) hmm.

I feel interested in having this conflict resolved for me in a feel good way by my all powerful subconcious.

yay.

Thursday, 13 August 2009 @ 2:56pm

heartbeat says:

Nikita thanks for the link! Here’s another that feels really relevant too

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=clGB5vndmms&feature=related

Love to all xxx

Thursday, 13 August 2009 @ 4:32pm

I love my T-tapp exercise. It just keeps getting more and more better…

it feels like a dance, that my body was designed to do! It feels like my spine is lengthening… wow it feels good

and brushing my skin feels amazing!

ive been exercising and brushing and meditating in the morning and at nite

wow

its what my second or third day in a row and already i feel So good

it felt good doing it sporadically, but doing it twice a day feels multiple multiple times better…

i feel like i found an ancient secret

Thursday, 13 August 2009 @ 6:58pm

Hey everyone, any comments about this speech would be really appreciated: Christopher asked me to drive 5 hours to see his band play on Saturday.

“I know I’ve been dragging my feet on coming out to Wells, and honestly it’s because I feel exhausted. I sat with it and realized I feel weird ever since we got back from Ireland about the whole money thing. It feels like the dynamic has shifted to a place that feels kind of weird. It feels like we have a banking relationship instead of a relationship relationship. I don’t want to feel angry and depleted from giving so much and pretending to be understanding when I really feel angry.”

Thursday, 13 August 2009 @ 7:50pm

And, second part would be “So, do you have any ideas about what we could do to patch things up?”

Thursday, 13 August 2009 @ 7:51pm

Also, should add, “I know you’re going to pay me back and that’s not the issue, it’s just that it feels like we’re more friends than lovers, and it feels bad for me to get financially wrapped up with someone I’m not at least engaged to…thanks for listening…”

Thursday, 13 August 2009 @ 7:53pm

Bethany: I think that your speech sounds brilliant. Speak from the heart. You have nothing to lose. I just had this experience myself and let me tell you truthfully it is nothing short of amazing. By not telling the truth, you are only selling YOU short. Be strong sista. You don’t have to know the answers. You only have to know how you feel and right now your situation feels not good. Go towards feeling good. This is YOUR life. What do YOU want? And like I said, being honest feels f’ing amazing. Your life will not end without this man. It just will not. You may feel like it will but IT WILL NOT. You deserve to be happy. ****YOU**** DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. Can I say it again? Yes I can. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.

Okay, I’ll comment more tomorrow but for now Operation Evolution Simply Shannon - in full f’ing effect.

Thursday, 13 August 2009 @ 11:20pm

Bethany your speech feels really good, I like the way you express how your feelings about the loan led you to reflect on the whole relationship.

Shannon - LOL! - keep on truckin’

Thursday, 13 August 2009 @ 11:32pm

Blog feels really good at the moment - I’m learning a lot from reading others’ experiences. I feel in a solid place now but I never stop learning. I appreciate the links and tips on alternatives too. I don’t always feel like commenting - I’ve been wrapped up in projects recently - but I still like to keep up. Thank you everyone.

Thursday, 13 August 2009 @ 11:37pm

gina says:

Nikita,
Thanks very much for sharing that video. I feel like the most revolutionary thing we can do right now is be happy and feel good. I sense people questioning where i “get off” feeling good lately. Where do I get off having a point of view, a mind of my own, a day of nothing, a beaming smile, luxury in any form. Everything is SO BEAUTIFUL. I love life. Everything is a sparkly beautiful dream come true. And I want more and more light - I can’t get enough.

Friday, 14 August 2009 @ 12:36am

alias girl says:

yes gina me too. i feel right onboard with you. i feel right there with you. i feel so happy to finally feel free. omg. i feel tears. i feel grateful. i feel love. i feel supported and supportive.

Friday, 14 August 2009 @ 12:48am

I feel pretty good too. Dang it I want what Alias Girl and Gina are having… hehe…

Friday, 14 August 2009 @ 3:55am

ugh so this guy who i slept with once but then we had an argument and he hasnt really contacted me except for a missed call i got right before romania…

we argued because i got mad that he was talking to me about his baby’s mom and his best friend thats a girl

anyway now he was online and i was thinking about contacting him

then he has this status message that says
something like she has me twisted how i feel dont get mad get glad
and then his feeling is “adored”

so at first i didnt know what the hell he was talking about but the adored part i guess he likes some girl, maybe his baby mom maybe not

but i feel mad

i want to not get mad get glad haha cuz that probably means more love for me

but i feel MAD i feel jealous and i feel amused

i also feel sad like boohoo how come he didnt feel twisted over me maybe it was me leaning forward urgerrrrburger

Friday, 14 August 2009 @ 4:58am

Yeah…Nikita,thanks for sharing that….
Bethany..thanks for sharing the speech….i intend to use the same concept on a guy i really like and i also feel the same way….
I feel really good and happy…..i don’t feel so concerned about the guy or what he does or what he’s up to….i just feel happy and i want to continue feeling happy and being me and being authentic…I feel like i am in a really good place and what makes it even better is that….it has got nothing to do with any particular man…i often thought that only a guy would make me feel this happy…..yet i feel so much love for myself and the universe and i all i really want is to share it….
I feel that my speech is getting better as i try to discover more about how i really feel and i feel that when the right time comes I’ll have something wonderful and authentic to say…..

Friday, 14 August 2009 @ 5:35am

Just came back from getting my eyebrows done! They look beautiful!

I realized very quickly after my boo hoo post that I always ask this man to come see me and he doesnt have a car. He’s probably waiting to get a car and then will be contacting me… hehe..

Friday, 14 August 2009 @ 8:54am

Actually he just contacted me right now online! heheheheeeee

Friday, 14 August 2009 @ 10:31am

i must have manifested this since i really believed what i said above.

now i want to believe that he is super attracted to me (even though his convo was too short for my taste right now and i feel a little disappointed) and that is good for me AND HIM to uh… engage

cuz i feel guilty that im gonna break his heart if he gets all the way into me, and also i feel nervous like maybe hes not into me

so that may be creating the situation like Erika said where he’s picking up the vibe and thus not coming as close as if my vibe was clear

hehe

i feel excited he contacted me and i feel evilly (guiltily?) amused that he did so even though he had that “adored” status message

haha

i feel all teary eyed in a strange way

Friday, 14 August 2009 @ 10:51am

DocK says:

Writing from phone… Daria. Enjoy Romania! Nephew home now. Will try to get more info on where he visited. Also going to ask Mama where her parents were born.

Friday, 14 August 2009 @ 8:07pm

Thanks Dock! It feels wonderful here… and even more because i feel more open and less scared of people… it feels like connected almost village like energy… i love walking around and Feeling people haha

im also letting go of ethnic judgements and stuff.. who cares if other people have them or would judge me for NOT having them.. .I don’t like them, i like being open to all people

I guess this was a gift from moving to the us, that i opened up to different cultures and see judgement for what it is, even with all the “reasons” people use for it

yay for having good things from moving, i guess my trauma is being reframed! yay

im feeling good

my country is looking better!!! (despite the billboards which i havent made peace with.. i would outlaw them hehe)

the air here smells so good, the trees look so good.. woo hoo i am happy im here

tonite is Santa Maria, big party here at the port in Constanta, the port town, cuz it was remade into Marine Day during communist times and they have fireworks and concerts on the beach… this is the most “crackin” night of the summer here

the jet lag still has me, not as bad as last year, but the years before that i didnt really have it the time, hmm maybe it was when i was young, i think i ran down my adrenals so thats why, even though now they are recovering because im paying them attention now

Saturday, 15 August 2009 @ 8:34am

Hi Daria

My nephew was in the Transylvania (region) and also Targu-mures and Timisaora (sp?).

You are a delight, Daria, so wherever you are, everyone is better for having you in their midst : )

Saturday, 15 August 2009 @ 1:31pm

Dock — ohh ok he went to the pictoresque part of the country in the mountains… i want to go there havent been ther in like 20 years.

I’m at the beach town its supposed to be something like 100,000 people at the beach summer season towns right now

Saturday, 15 August 2009 @ 3:50pm

Josette says:

Nancy, I am new at this blog/commenting but I had to comment to you because I can relate to the kind of guy are with. I may be a lot older than the others who have commented or I feel I am. I was married for 21 years to my high school sweet heart and have two teenagers (boy and a girl). Best part of my life was having them. I will be divorced by the end of this month and have been dating a guy for just over a year now. He is like the man I always longed for but he too has been through a bad divorce, married for 9 years no kids just a dog, she cheated on him for 2 years and he still makes excuses for her. He thinks because he doesn’t have a driver’s license he was a bad husband. He didn’t have his license when she married him!! Hello! Anyway I never thought I would want to be in a long term relationship again but he just makes me so happy in every way except he doesn’t want to sell our places and move in together and I really think it is the fact he is afraid I would be like her. He says he loves me and we are great together like the same things he loves my kids, helps me with fixing little things in my house. I drive him around! I really don’t mind but get the feeling he has “it’s too good to be true so it must not be” stall. He does say “someday” but I told him I feel it is now or never! I am 40 years old and patience is not a virtue it is a waste of time.
Side note: I was 7 weeks pregnant and had a miss carriage and he really wanted the baby.
Basically I just wanted to share my situation and I am planning to work on a better speech because I blew the first one before I read all of Rori good advice and everyone’s comments here. Even if you think I’m nuts for wanting to settle down again like all of my friends and family do, thoughts would be appreciated!
Jet

Monday, 14 September 2009 @ 2:30pm

Josette - you’ve got this WRONG!!!! He has low self-esteem and he LIKES being punished and cheated on!!! That’s the kind of woman he falls for. YOU, on the other hand, are overfunctioning, and overgiving…and he is simply not all that attracted to that kind of woman (very few men are…) — but he’ll gladly take everything you give and feel “love” for you…but not passion or a desire to grab you and run with you…Please, please get at least my ebook and start working on Leaning Back. That alone will help you. Love, Rori

Monday, 14 September 2009 @ 3:50pm

Rori, I did not expect a reply from you personally. Pretty cool.
I never saw him as having low-self esteem. I think he feels like he is a burden to people who help him. I do realize I am over giving and an over functioning women because I did it in my marriage with no return and do it with my teenagers still. I really think that with him I have a good balance of give and take, he helps me with what I need and I help him with what he needs; because we want to not because we have to. I never felt that way with my husband. It would be impossible for me to list my baggage he is dealing with; by this his passion for me shows. It is my own low self esteem that makes me put pressure on him to move in together when he is not ready so I feel more secure about our future. And logically, it is an easier schedule for me and more economical to have one household. I am holding off on any speeches until I figure this out. It is another of my miss-functions that makes me have to explain myself to everyone but thanks for your reply though I will keep it in mind!
Jet

Tuesday, 15 September 2009 @ 11:16am

Eddie says:

Shalom,

As a divorced man, I feel Rorie that you are not only 1,000% wrong but you are teaching women to hate and use men. Men actually do have a heart and soul.

First you are saying men hurt in the divorce process are threatening women
————————————-
(this is wrong and evidently you are ignoring the pro-female VAWA divorce laws & Courts that reward $$ to women who use false charges. Further you are ignorant of the real pain today’s American Men/Fathers are gong thru.

Via fighting Parental Alienation, 26,000 divorced fathers commit suicide every year over Parental alienation of their children)
————————————-
when they say they want to go slow. And then you teach women the below THREAT (take it or leave it.)

I’d run from any woman who threatened me like that. So would any sane man who had good self-esteem. A woman who threatens a man BEFORE they get married will continue to use threats once they are married.

Perhaps you should rename your program
learn how to “Marry them and dump them.”
I’m an easy going guy and believe both sexes should have their freedom.

But an ultimatum worded that way means the woman is going fishing-looking for another man. That indicates she never was in love with her man but USES men.

Any man who doesn’t drop a woman like that DESERVES her. I’m going to buy your product out of curiosity. I’m also going to come back here and see how brave you are (if you erased my comments.)

“I’ll remain sexually exclusive with you while you’re making up your mind, but that’s all.”

Wednesday, 14 October 2009 @ 1:55am

Hi, Eddie, you sound very angry, and I get it, and I want to welcome you to my site. I will of course approve your comment…but I wanted to reach out to you first. The line about no exclusivity is NOT a threat. The fact that you see it that way says more about you, your pain and anger than it does about any woman saying it. You may feel that it’s okay for a woman to give herself to you exclusively BEFORE you’ve made a decision about whether you want to marry her or not…but all of the women who come to me have been hurt by this convention, and that’s why I’ve created this high-self-esteem way for a woman to simply “date” – without feeling she has to invest in a man too early. It’s not meant to be a threat, and if a woman delivers it to you as an “ultimatum” – she’s definitely not coming from this community or anything I teach. Doesn’t that make a bit of sense to you? If not, I’d like to ask you, without challenging your strong feelings, which I honor, what you find wrong…from YOUR point of view with a woman sharing, in a feeling way, and appreciating your feelings in asking her to be your “girlfriend” – that she doesn’t wish to be an open-ended girlfriend, and would rather wait on that until you know how you feel about marriage?

I also wanted to let you know that you may be roundly disagreed with by the women on the site…though, I would like to encourage curiosity, compassion and Feeling Messages, because any one here may meet a man like you anywhere. I’d like to help you understand what we’re doing here…and not see you attacked you in any way.

As for the rest of what you say…here’s my experience: A person, man or woman, reads one or two of my posts, and makes an assumption about all of my work. Once, however, they read more, really see that what I’m talking about is honoring emotions and honoring others and yourself, and being honest and NOT playing games or trying to manipulate men - they “get” it, and often become my friends. I hope you’ll take the time to really look into what we’re doing here, and see that it’s really about NOT using men….but using opportunities. So many of us were raised to feel very “needy” and insecure - and it takes extreme courage to take the baby steps for ourselves, to overcome those patterns and begin to honor ourselves and men.

I will now approve your comment, and I hope you have an interesting time on the blog, the women here are NOT men haters – we all love men so much we can lose ourselves in you. If you were my client (and I work with many men) I would help you to get past your hurt and distrust and really get the kind of love you want and deserve. Sincerely, Rori

Thursday, 15 October 2009 @ 7:34pm

Eddie: It’s always cool to have a man reading and posting here because we get to see things from a perspective other than our own.

I do want to make a point however that many women lose their children to their ex-husbands in divorce situations as well. That dilema is not one-sided and it hurts just as much on both sides. The anger and fear and loss of power is just as heartbreaking on the side of the mother.

The particular quote you took issue with:

““I’ll remain sexually exclusive with you while you’re making up your mind, but that’s all.””

is something I’ve said as well. I’m not married to my boyfriend and never want to be married, but I did want a partner to spend the rest of my life with. He was not ready to commit. I needed that in my life. Do you believe I should have remained exclusive with him in all ways while he continued to tell me he wasn’t ready to commit? How long then should a woman wait? If you were ready for a life-long commitment from a woman but she told you she wasn’t ready yet, how long should YOU wait? At what point do you go out into the world and grab what you want for your life? At what point do you stop letting someone else decide if/when you will have the committment you so desire? At what point is loving someone but not getting committment not quite enough anymore? If we love a man who doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life with us, should we wait 3, 5, 30, 80 years? Where’s the breaking point for us to decide that no matter how much we love him, he isn’t giving us enough and it’s time to move on?

For me, I was ready. He wasn’t. I started dating other men (broke it off with him because he wasn’t ready…meaning he had cheated on me) and all of a sudden, he wanted me back and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.

I didn’t trick him or give him an ultimatium. I went after my dream relationship. He could have been there for that…he chose something else and wanted me to “wait”. My answer was no. I was ready for more than he could give me and I owed it to myself to find that something more.

While I was out there looking for it, he realized maybe he was more ready than he thought. It was hurting him to think of me with another man. He realized what he had in his arms and what he threw away. He desperately wanted to fix it all and have us back.

I began (after a time) to date him again…but I continued to date other men. He still wasn’t quite ready to say he wanted to be with me forever and would never be with another woman again (in the eyes of someone who doesn’t want to get married…this is what I needed). He dated me. I dated him and lots of other men hoping for that perfect connection between two of us would happen and then all other men would go away. I didn’t know if he would be the one to make that happen or if another man would, but I knew I was out there looking for my dream relationship.

I did what I did (started dating other men) because it was right for me in my life. He did what he did (worked hard to get me back) because it was right for him in his life. We were no longer asking the other to wait…we were no longer giving up on a life we wanted while we waited. But the key to it all is that we did those things on our own without tricks and manipulation and ultimatums.

Does that help put this into perspective a little more for you?

Friday, 16 October 2009 @ 6:42am

maryam says:

Dear Rori
I have read many of your books.But i am unsecure yet about what to do.
I a living with my boyfriend .we have left together in 4 years and we have been oy-girlfriends in 6 years.
In the begining he was very excited,he made it unntil we moved together. After two years we were togther ,we had a big conflict about drinking regulary ig amount of acohol with freind each friday as he had before we bacame together.he said he wated to get out and end relationship.We talked together,then i was very afraid and i accepted that he was there.We had three other times conflict about the same object and he said,i can not decide for him and he wanted to end,bt after talking he changed.
One other problem we have had is that e want to have right to have girlfriends.His relation with hem is that he aske them if they have had sex,if they can send massage,florting with them,talkin about sex,sauna,song with them.I find this in mail he had send to them ,he did not know i had seen.Later i old him about hat and he said he want to get out of relationship because i have no right to see is mail.This time i was less afraid s i told him okey,i talked with his mother and brother and said he is going out.But he came hme,talked and said he stay but showed it as i have to stop seeing his mail.We agreed to try again.
Now i have got away a jewlry he bought for me that i had on me all the time.I am working with my self not to do overfunction,i do turnaround,however it is really hard.I have stoped seeing his mail not because of him but ost because i do not want to use my time seeing what he and other women have together(I am almost 100% sure he has not sexual afair but emotional afair).
I do not anything now.I am unsecure,vulnerable and have no control about what is hapening in his side.He comes home,say my girlfriend to me,my dear,but mariage,comitment (he says we are comited ,we live togethe,but he is emotional in contact with ther women,i know thi, have seen the mail),I do not hw i can handle this
Can you help me?

Tuesday, 17 November 2009 @ 11:41am

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