well, what can i say? i was dreading writting this comment a few hours ago as i felt utterly ”failed” and terrible.. however.. its turned around.. i m still in shock.

my partner of the last 2 years is a very deep, difficult and complex man. he is a popular musician and leads a very different life to most. i was once a fan, then a friend, then for last 2 years a lover, girlfriend, partner etc.. he has countless women throwing themselves at him and is always in the limelight, this has never been a problem and everyone knows who i am to him and its generally respected. i am positive enough in my life to not let it worry me and its always me he calls, or comes round to. however it is always in the back of my mind that there are only too many other women ready to step into my shoes the moment i am gone. so i have trodden carefully and showed no signs of any insecurity (maybe wrongly i realise now) . oddly enough its my partner with the jealousy and anger problems. if he sees me in the audience and a man is trying to talk to me he’ll go crazy. even once coming off stage and attacking a man.

after 2 years of feeling like i never have any power in our relationship, feeling hurt, unwanted, blamed for even exisiting at times, and even banned from concerts in case any man dare even look at me (i never encorage even slightly, infact i darent even let a mans eye catch mine) i gave him my power speech today, gleened from nancy’s and a few others on here. i am a history lecturer and no matter how small a speech is i know it has to be believable and come from the heart. i was very scared to give this talk to him. it was along the lines of…

”i don’t want to rush you, make you angry, make you feel pushed or trapped in anyway. You are absolutely entitled to take as much time as you need to assess us, heal from whatever is making you so dificult and angry, whatever you need. I don’t want to rush or pressure you. But, you can’t have me all to yourself while you’re taking your time and making up your mind. i love what we have and of course i dont want to break it up, however i’m going to start acepting dates and coffees and I’ll remain sexually exclusive with you while you’re making up your mind, but that’s all> ( i love the last line of nancys speach)

in a nutshell? he went crazy, really angry. it was here at my place this happened otherwise i think he would have just thrown me out of his house half way through. he said i was attention seeking, a tart, and he didnt want me if i was going out with other men because then i was ”just like all the rest, a slut” and obvioulsy i had a real problem if going out picking up guys was my thing. he was absolutley fuming and of course, missing the point really. then all the excuses why he couldnt commit to me came, which didnt phase me at all, the usual excuses.. then he left. i said i was very hurt that he didnt even consider what i had said and that he dropped me so quickly. i laid on my bed thinking ‘oh dear’ not the right thing to say at all. then… about 4 hours later he rang. would i like to go to his for a cup of tea and sit on the roof before his gig? when i turned up he was cleaning his floors, and i didnt offer to help like i always do. i didnt try and feed his pets or help in anyway.. like i normaly would. we sat watching the sunset and i was very clam and genuinely polite, it wasnt an act, there was no hidden anger in me (which really does make you seem flase when you bottle it down) then the mad rush started for his work, ironing t shirts, making a strong coffee, loading the guitars (which stupidly i have rushed to help him with in the past) i didnt move, i just sat there, expecting him to go crazy i wasnt helping. but oddy, very oddly, he said ”dont move, relax, i”l make you a coffee” . he was calm, un stressed, not angry or moody, or nasty in anyway.

i left his place ten mins before him and half way down the mountin he flashed me down, got out his car, gave me the longest hug ever and told me he really loved me so much, with tears in his eyes.

well, i am shocked, really. for the first time EVER i feel in control. so.. how on earth do i keep this control? will it just disapear tomorrow. he was even joking with me tonight calling me ”the ultimator” and smiling about it. i called him ”the terminator” which he looked rather alarmed at!

i really dont want to loose this feeling of being strong and in control.

kindest reagrds and thank everyone of you who has written on this subject, it has all helped me so very very much.

wendy .

i have read everything with so much interest, just knowing i am not the only one going through the mill with my ”boyfriend”(lover, friend, whatever he chooses to call himself..) its been 2 years, of non commitment on his part, and its worn me down. i have never had this problem before, i have now realised i have been over compensating in our relationship. tomorrow is the talk, reading everything today on this site has helped me so much and i have a clear view of what i will say tomorrow. i know already he really isnt going to like it, and will be pretty shocked when i tell him i will be available to other men for coffees and dates. but.. it has to be done. wish me luck. you have all made me feel so strong and not alone.

wendy *spain*