Intimacy — Afraid? How To Start Doing It Anyway -

manflowersbehindbackIt’s possible that most of us have never known true intimacy from the moment we came into the world.

We’ve been labelled, taught, cajoled and prodded, been threatened by all forms of authority, told what’s true and what isn’t, and disrespected for everything from our feelings to our thoughts. Our relationships have been more about pleasing others than pleasing ourselves.

More about struggling and using our wits to get what we need and what we think we want than discovering what it is we really want.

Sometimes we need someone else to tell us that it’s okay to want what we want.

Sometimes we only accidentally discover that the person we really are, warts and all, underneath all the masks and games we’ve learned to put between ourselves and others, is truly loveable. It can change our lives forever, or remain a lost opportunity forever.

Someone sees us — really sees us — in a moment of accidental abandon and their heart fills up with love for us. We deny this possibility and push that someone away because we so don’t believe we are loveable.

Does this sound like you? It’s most all of us.

We can’t, or won’t get close enough to someone who may very well be a great partner for us because we’ve never done it.

We don’t know how.

When I was an actor, I did not have access to my emotions (pretty big skill limitation for an actor).

I could pretend fairly well, and it got me far –I could laugh nearly anytime, but I was completely detached from my anger and pain. An actor friend told me — “fake it til you make it.” Meaning, if I pounded the table hard enough and long enough with my fist, I’d feel angry. If I hit my hand with a hammer over and over again, I’d feel pain. I’d probably cry.

I use some of this “fake it til you make it” philosophy in teaching you how to express yourselves (and sharing all the techniques I discovered to find my feelings and dig deeper into the feelings and learn to express them no matter what) — because we’ve all already been pounding the table and hitting ourselves with hammers to feel bad, instead of finding and using new things to do that make us feel good.

Sometimes, just not saying or doing something can trigger the real stuff. Sometimes, just not saying or doing something you’ve always said or done in the same situation will change the pattern of your life forever.  Change the dynamic in a relationship you may already be in — forever.

Trust creeps in, in small ways.

Intimacy takes hold in the spaces between words.

Not speaking not from your heart leaves room for speaking from your heart.

The next time you’re tempted to tell a man what to do, even though you know how to do it better than he does, or to even just tell him what you think — stop yourself. Stop talking. See what happens.

So what do you do when you’ve stopped talking?

How do you communicate anything? The simple answer is to use an “I feel” message. This sounds easy. But it’s probably something you don’t really have words for. Starting with “I feel” is the perfect start, but what then?

Go with what’s really there. Feel the floor under your feet. Feel the table in front of you. Feel your heart beat, your stomach gurgle, the tightness in your chest that’s there because you’re mad, or upset, or frustrated, or giddy, and you don’t know what to say.

Feel the most concrete, real, simple thing you can, and say that. Just saying, “I’m hungry” is better than “Let’s go to that little Italian place, okay?”

This is a game, you say. No, it isn’t. It’s the missing link. The missing piece that we never learned as children. We learned how to get along, how to influence others, how to look and do good, but we never learned how to even make contact with what we really feel, much less ever said it simply.

A woman who can say what she feels, simply, directly, passionately, with energy and conviction or matter-of-factness will find her man in record time. And there will be nothing to stop him from grabbing her and running with it.

Remember the public display Tom Cruise did over Katie Holmes?  Well, that wasn’t bad, or weird, or bizarre. It’s the way men are supposed to behave when they’re in love — only we’ve all forgotten. They’re supposed to turn cartwheels.  And they DO. But we’re all embarrassed. We’re all afraid of intimacy. What would happen if we behaved as if we weren’t?

Love, Rori

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82 Comments to “Intimacy — Afraid? How To Start Doing It Anyway -”

  1. 1: DocKNo Gravatar says:

    Boy oh boy – did I need to read this. As of lately I have heard the following from a guy (not all in one sitting, of course):

    You are the sexiest woman on the planet.
    You leave nothing undone for me to need or want anything else.
    You have come to epitomize everything I feel a woman should or can be.
    You are not only the most beautiful woman I have ever met, you are the most beautiful person I have ever met.
    Never in my whole life have I felt like this about a woman, I didn’t know it was possible.
    I am in love with you.
    My love for you doesn’t change with my mood or what is going on in my life, I always feel the same about you.
    I feel my journey will end with you at my side.

    And so what do I feel in light of all this? I feel scared out of my wits. I feel suspicious – is this a joke? A game? I feel jubilant. I feel like crying. I feel like running away. I feel like an impostor – what happens when he realizes I’m not so great after all? I feel shaky – what the hell do I do now?

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 11:05am

  2. 2: DocKNo Gravatar says:

    Now I feel icky for even writing that post.

    Like I jinxed it and I’m going to have to retract it (and I don’t even believe in jinxes) as things progress because either I screw it up, or he does or he’s just having a bout of temporary insanity or….whatever : (

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 11:14am

  3. 3: Dan_BrodribbNo Gravatar says:

    Very pretty article.

    It’s something I could read over and over.

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 12:08pm

  4. 4: SoignéeNo Gravatar says:

    I think after this example, I will write to a man about my feelings, what he did to me and how he hurted me.
    but in the way what “i” felt without attacking him. I will show him my vulnerability. I will show my feelings to people I share my private life that they know me well.

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 12:12pm

  5. 5: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    DocK: You didn’t jinx it at all. Sounds like you have something wonderful in the works. I say “in the works” because yes, things could still change (and change can be a good thing) and because you haven’t fully accepted it as real. Until you accept it, it won’t be real.

    You know how much I admire you and value your words and comments. That being said, I want to take that NV of yours and kick it in the butt! LOL! Relax about this girl…give it time to feel good to you…take it in moment by moment…worry not of the future and whether or not this will all go away…enjoy the attention, affection and love right here in this moment.

    And send me an email if you need a NV butt kicking intervention!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 12:16pm

  6. 6: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Dock: If a man said those words to me, I would be thinking “Are you serious? Right.” Or at least waiting for him to pull the wool from my eyes and show himself for the wolf he really is. I hate feeling so cynical but I do. I don’t feel worthy of that kind of big love. I don’t know if I could open my heart enough to believe it was real.

    I wear strength and happiness as a cloak to hide that I feel unworthy. I feel so angry with myself that I feel unworthy. I have these fantastic moments like last night where I feel incredible and beautiful. Then I flip on a dime and feel myself fade inside to this wallflower of a person that I don’t even recognize.

    I’m trying to remember that I don’t have to be Superwoman all the time. I do not have to be perfect. It’s okay to feel vulnerable and insecure. I’m human. Last night was actually a really good experience (free therapy courtesy of circular dating!). I talked to him about feeling nervous around him. Rather than feeling like a weak girl or boring him, I felt compassion coming from him. He started telling me stories about how he’s this normal guy. I dunno. At first my brain wanted to tell him that he didn’t have to do that but I felt good listening to his stories about his life. My heart felt his desire to make me feel good. And that alone felt good to me.

    I do want intimacy. I want to be real and to start believing that the real me is a beautiful person. I feel relief.

    Shannon

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 12:54pm

  7. 7: D2No Gravatar says:

    DocK, Mercedes is right. Just go with the flow and don’t worry about the future. Just enjoy the present and keep doing what you’re doing because it’s working with this one. My husband got down on one knee in his room at his frat house in college (yes we’ve been married 22 years this year) and asked me to marry him 5 summer from then (that would be the summer a year after we graduated). I said, “Sure…if we’re still together!” I just lived and enjoyed every moment from that point on and we did get married when he said. Once a guy sees you as “The One”, he’ll do anything to keep you and will be exclusive with you if he truly loves and is committed to you. If his actions back up all the words he’s been saying then I think you’re in for an enjoyable ride!!

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 12:58pm

  8. 8: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    awww d2 that is so sweet. thank you for sharing that. and thank you rori for a lovely delicious post. i just Know that d2 is right. once a man sees you as that woman for him there is nothing getting in his way. ok flashback to other ex. wtf is that about. that guy is doing Nothing to win me. he’s just keeping his place on my horse. anyhoo. i loved reading your story d2.

    and dock i loved reading all those beautiful things. it’s funny because i’m reading them and thinking yes yes of course she is. yes yes true true. and i felt soooo excited that you were sharing them. and then i felt a little ( alot) deflated when i felt like a line was drawn through them crossing them out. so i am going to hire merecedes to kick some nv a**.

    so when guys have been writing me that i am beautiful lately i write them back. “thank you, it’s true.” :)

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 1:09pm

  9. 9: DocKNo Gravatar says:

    OK – so I am just going to turn around and happily let you all give me a good old fashioned NV butt kicking – I deserve it. LOL

    I AM really and truly just trying to enjoy it – I wasn’t even worried about any big stuff – just would be grateful if it could last more than a few months (again LOL).

    BUT I really do try to live in the moment and that’s how it will be – there never are any guarantees anyway – that would make life just too damned predictable and boring, right?

    So thank you Mercedes, D2 and AG – and SS – I’m OK with everything you said too – cuz I have those doubts and insecurities to battle which lead to the NVs – but you are fabulous, SS – just like the amazing sirens here – and soon you’ll have the feeling right inside of you to hold on to.

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 1:21pm

  10. 10: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    There’s the DocK I know and love! :-)

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 1:24pm

  11. 11: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    DocK – I hear you and feel you. Been there, still visit there sometimes, don’t we all. You know in your heart and soul he means it.
    Before I throw the wet blanket on this, NOT YOU and your story DocK, for you stressed that all of this didn’t all come out at once. I might be scared for you if it did. Plus I know enough of your story.
    So that said, there are many, many men and women for that matter who always say the right thing, who make us feel so wonderful WITH THEIR WORDS, yet sooner or later you realize that there is NOTHING or very little backing up all that beautiful rhetoric. You SO want to believe, for this person said that, and it felt so good to hear, but there is this great big disconnect between the words and the actions. He/she talks the talk but doesn’t walk the walk.
    I had the above with my ex, and there are many like him who just know how to seduce with words.
    I havehad the complete opposite experience with K. He always walked the walked, but it took him a LONG time to talk the talk. It was an amazing learning experience for me, for it taught me how to hear what he was saying without any words.
    This is so off topic, but since it came up….

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 1:32pm

  12. 12: AldonzaNo Gravatar says:

    Just subscribing to the thread, I’ll be back later with more thoughtful comments.

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 1:56pm

  13. 13: SymanthaNo Gravatar says:

    HI ladies…
    Fear! fear feels like the mother of all varity of feelings… or you cover fear with diferent feelings?
    Now I associate fear as a core feeling… basic instinc I would say.
    My ex fiance.. I never believed him even when he showed up loving caring I feared that him wanting to marry me by proposing was circunstancial and he would change his mind. Finnaly I broke up with him because I didn’t feel him following trouhg but now I don’t know If I knew the ‘circunstancial true’ since the beggining or I was so afraid that I make it happen, that I created (him not following trough and me not deserving a marriage).
    I fear I won’t find a sweet guy as him, always surprising me with the little details he use to. I feel grief :’-(

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 3:00pm

  14. 14: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    DocK – I found what you wrote so endearing, it felt authentic and vulnerable. Such a mix of emotions – I can relate.

    tinque – I have a walky rather than talky man too, I felt puzzled at first and insecure many times. At first I held back but I stopped doing that, I started to notice the way he was and appreciate the way he shows his love.

    Rori – love this post. It fits for those times everything feels great and then a feeling of undeservingness sneaks in. Recently my man bought me a ring – it’s beautiful! – and for a while after that it was as if the stakes were higher and I felt shocked at myself, at how I suddenly feared ‘blowing it’ by saying or doing the ‘wrong thing’. Another layer to notice and turn around, counterbalanced by my noticing just how much he wants to make me feel special and how vulnerable he appears too.

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 4:20pm

  15. 15: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    i feel very much fun with my new experiments in using feeling messages and vibration and energy. oooooooooooooooooohh fun.

    i feel very thankful that i am in the vibration of receiving what elicits happy and good feeling responses in me. I feel very abundant and healthy and full of fun. thank you. thank you for the love of my life. he is very delicious and fun and attractive and WOW and OMG and LUCKY ME. phsew! THANK YOU!!!!!!

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 5:45pm

  16. 16: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Intimacy… it is a word often used but not often felt. The word is really misued and the meaning of it misconstrued.

    I have experienced intimacy with another human being that was so satisfying I to this day grieve its absence in my life. When I think back about that season in my life and how deeply happy I was, I wonder if I will every experience it again. I know that I have yet to find another man who was willing to invest himself so that he could experience it with me.

    I dont see how anyone can feel intimacy without emotionally investing. I kept telling my last potential partner that but he just did not let himself go and connect with me that way. It was a very unrewarding and frustrating time for me.

    I remember how it feels and am using it for my baraometer for my next investment canidate.

    Linda

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 5:45pm

  17. 17: Mary AnnNo Gravatar says:

    Hi ladies…i’ve been reading..and think you are all so wonderful to have gotten to know each other through Rori’s posts. This post addresses my biggest problem…the fear. I’m at the cusp of a beginning relationship and I’m so excited and giddy about him, but petrified at the same time that he will disappoint me like so many others. I’m am trying to keep open to other people…I have many great guys in my life who are mostly friends but who I know are interested too, I just don’t feel that way about them..but they keep me feeling attractive and loved. I want to enjoy feeling happy and excited but I’m so nervous…I’m trying so hard not to act weird around him…to be soft on the outside…to remain feminine…I’m just so worried my fear will get the better of me and I’ll blow it.
    About a month ago, I had drinks with an ex, and he told me that the reason he left was that I never let him in far enough to have real intimacy. I couldn’t believe that he saw that, and actually could articulate what I know was true. ( I didn’t know it at the time, but due to Rori I realized it before he told me.)
    Anyway, I don’t have any of the programs…no money at the moment…but I’m reading everything I can here to help me stay calm, strong on the inside and soft on the outside. I really want love…true love in my life..finally.

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 6:45pm

  18. 18: CallistaNo Gravatar says:

    tinque – you said exactly what I was thinking. My problem is that I believe these guys when they tell me these things… I always see the glass as half full and always have a very rude (and painful) awakening when I realize that their actions are not matching up with all the sweet words. I think I’ve heard it all!! I don’t want to become cynical and I don’t want to give up on my dream of love and intimacy, but how many times can you let yourself be duped? I believe them, because, well, how could a guy NOT think I’m all those things? But then I don’t understand how or why he would say those things and then not really feel them? Or change his mind? Or not really mean it? I end up feeling lied to, betrayed, led on and then feel stupid myself for having believed him and then feeling like guys are dishonest jerks who don’t know what they really want and can’t see a good thing when they’ve got it. (Mind you, not all the time, that’s just how I feel in the midst of it.) Then you feel like you’re going crazy, or missing something, because he says one thing and does something completely opposite. And sometimes, if you mention it or tell him how it makes you feel, he denies it and tries to convince you how YOU’RE wrong (pointing out all the nice sweet things he’s done for you that supposedly back up what he’s saying)… *sigh*

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 6:51pm

  19. 19: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    welcome maryann! i feel very happy you have come to siren island! when you do get started – start with one of rori’s ebooks. they are the least expensive and most important (in my opinion) . but there is a ton of info here and in back posts and comments etc. but once you have the foundation from the book stuff will start to click in faster probably. maybe. i don’t want to push product. i just want people to feel good!

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 7:04pm

  20. 20: Mary AnnNo Gravatar says:

    thanks Alias Girl…I do have the ebook…and I’ve read a lot of the posts…I think i’m going to re-read the book tonight..that should help. i want to feel my excitedness and giddiness and enjoy it but I’m scared that it will hurt more if I let myself be too happy and he doesn’t take the next step. He’s a good man, but told me he’s slow at these things. His friends tell me not to worry, and believe we are a good match. I just hope we make it.

    Wednesday, 2 September 2009 @ 7:39pm

  21. 21: TracyNo Gravatar says:

    Totally love this post….so much to learn on intimacy…
    for me it started with loving myself and boosting my self esteem…now i am planning out what i feel can work for me and what can truly feel good to me…feel so excited that i can practice on feeling intimate with the men around me…

    Thursday, 3 September 2009 @ 3:41am

  22. 22: TracyNo Gravatar says:

    i feel amused at this but its true…when i started circular dating,i would always pick the guyz who were much farther way in relation to distance…those who i was much more unlikely to meet…the farther the distance the more i was attracted to them….
    I feel that at the time part of me was scared of meeting a guy personally that i cud actually like and fall for…and part of me was scared that i didn’t really deserve a good man and i felt much safer chatting with guyz i had no possibility of meeting….
    today i was picking on guyz online and i found myself leaning more towards guyz close to my home…i felt the shift in perceptive and clicked as to why i felt so out of touch before…
    I feel interested in all these new discoveries i am making about myself that i wasn’t even aware of….
    Dock put is so well….if a man said the exact same words….I’d run like the wind…and yet that is the exact same experience I’d really want to have….I feel conflicted with this… I want intimacy but the mare sight of it scares me…but i am learning to embrace it bit by bit…

    Thursday, 3 September 2009 @ 4:04am

  23. 23: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Callista – All I can say is that the more you raise your sense of self-worth, the more you learn to adore yourself, the more you will be able to recognize empty words for what they are, empty, and you just won’t tolerate that sort of treatment anymore.
    xxuu

    Thursday, 3 September 2009 @ 8:03am

  24. 24: DocKNo Gravatar says:

    Also, this guy is not the crazy ex I have written about suddently doing a turn-around. I have no contact with him.

    I have known this guy for a couple of years – started slow and then some back and forth (me always running) and now, really, who knows? Trust is a hard one for me anyway but, again, the main thing IS that I trust myself primarily. I enjoy my life. I dance, my passion. I work out, my moving meditation. I love theater and ballet. I go for walks and drive around with music I love and sing in the car. I write, a lot. I read (should do that a little bit more). I flirt, I am friendly and I enjoy talking to people. I don’t travel much other than to see family since they are out of town but my friend that lost his partner and I are making plans that we may do that together in the coming year.

    I trust myself to continue to love myself and give to myself. I love to treat others to life but I have also learned that I deserve it as well. I honor my time and my energy. I have been hurt in my life (and I’ve hurt others) but I know that, at my core, I am whole and nothing can touch that. I feel, finally, in a good place.

    Thursday, 3 September 2009 @ 8:47am

  25. 25: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    I met the KING OF EMPTY WORDS!. He has been buzzing around me for the last 6 months off and on. I remember one of the guys that post on here (Terrence) I think, commenting that that is how some men create attraction. It worked at first but as time has gone on it just became childishly cruel. The other thing that Rori has said is that a mans words mean nothing unless he his actions are backing them up. Unless that is happening they are just words. Remembering to put our stock in actions instead of words is not natural to us women. I am having to retrain myself.

    In conjuction with this, words and actions, character is proven. Words create an expectation. Something like ” I’m sorry, I won’t do it again”… proclaims a concern for your feelings which is wonderful but it also creates an expectation for a change in future behavior. From this point it requires actions to back it up. If there is no action and it happens again, not only are the words void but a character is proven too.

    The King of Empty Words, proved his character to me this week end. He had an opportunity to rise up and make good one the words but instead he did nothing. He had asked me for help working through his issue and when I tried he did not respond. His character was proved and therefore disqualifying himself for 1) believablility and 2) a canidate as a partner and a person whom I could even have a friendship with. (for me respect is vital) I finally had to accept things for as they were and not what could be. He has had plenty of chances to get it right…..Keeping it real and out of the imaginary realm was grounding and centering.

    So what about a guy who slathers you down with compliments? Thank him, but wait it out and see if his actions make it all real. Dont let it turn your heart and head right away. Time is our best friend it always reveals character. As I found… it revealed the man I was dealing with just is unable to sustain a healthy relationship. Not a good match for what I need and am looking for.

    I think my recent experiences in circular dating have been invaluable!… I have met so many different kinds of guys… they all seem to come on strong in the begining. Putting their best foot forward so to speak, but then the reality of who they are comes out shortly after. The invaluable lesson for me is to not get carried away with anything (words, attraction, silence, actions, or inaction) and wait. Time is our friend! One of the things I hold so valuable that I have learned on here is to keep it “real” dont assume that things are headed where you want or he is exclusive with you. That one thing keeps my head out of the clouds and feet on the ground. Even with the King of Empty Words, I kept my heart and emotions in line with that thinking and now that things are like they are I am not a mess. I must admit I am wrestling with cynicism and a ” you’re not genuine either ” attitude though. I will get it balanced out though…. because, I my validation comes from me and not their attentions or words now. My self talk is positive even my goddess head is held high because I am a truely a beautiful woman inside and out. Knowing my worth does not depend on a mans words or how he claims me or not but by my own character that is proven by my own words and actions. I have been around enough ungenuine men to know the genuine when I feel it and see it.

    When a great man finally comes along and pursues me and his words are followed up by actions I will be able to recongnize him.

    Linda

    Thursday, 3 September 2009 @ 6:26pm

  26. 26: cookieNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so freakin annoyed with people. I feel like a damper but I’m also feeling so tired of accepting people the way they are. Like my LI’s sister that I thought was trying to have a relationship with me only to realize that she is trying to have me be the messenger btwn her brother and her. I don’t want her to contact me, I don’t want to hear anything about her but how do I say it. And my freaking guy who after I worked all day and then traveled for two hrs to get to his house (someone got sick on the tra

    Thursday, 3 September 2009 @ 7:14pm

  27. 27: cookieNo Gravatar says:

    In) when I get there gives me major attitude, rolls his eyes, and goes into the other room for 30 minutes. So I’m sitting reading my book but the more I sit there the angrier I get so I leave and go home. He calls about 30min later I tell I needed some air at that point I would have went back if the mood was different but the attitude was still there. He calls me 2 hours later and asks me if I’m still coming and I said thank u for calling me back but before I could finish the sentence he hung up. I’m so

    Thursday, 3 September 2009 @ 7:20pm

  28. 28: cookieNo Gravatar says:

    Stuck I don’t know how to deal with my emotions and feelings. I feel like at this point I should be stronger, better, more rooted but I’m not I’m flowy and overly concerned with how other feel and explaining myself and trying to help and I don’t know nothing seems to be working for me. What do I do girls? I feel like all my relationships are falling apart or are unraveling. I feel unable to find my strength and voice. I feel like everytime I open up and allow people access to me its an opputunity for them

    Thursday, 3 September 2009 @ 7:28pm

  29. 29: cookieNo Gravatar says:

    To dismiss me or reject me. I know this is long but I’m really feeling torn apart and I would like to have some feedback. Please

    Thursday, 3 September 2009 @ 7:30pm

  30. 30: AnnNo Gravatar says:

    Intimacy=in to me see, something I’m still working on.

    Thursday, 3 September 2009 @ 7:59pm

  31. 31: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    cookie i feel unsure exactly on what you want feedback about? some of rori’s tools are using feeling messages, Circular dating, dating ourselves, dropping to our knees, hugging trees or just even touching them. I personally like to talk to them but i talk to everything. my car. my teddy bear. trees. everything except people. haha. KIDDING.

    but it sounds like your soup is all stirred up and when that happens i like to riff and keep telling myself how i LOVE all the fabulous things that are being stirred up.

    i feel supportive cookie though i feel a little awkward trying to help.

    if i were you i would SO be circular dating. So totally. I would let other men buy me flowers and tell me nice things and want to spend time with me and then see how that feels.

    i agree with rori. A woman more often than not, LOSE INTEREST IN LOW QUALITY once she experiences and RECEIVES high quality.

    amen sister alias girl. say it again!

    Thursday, 3 September 2009 @ 10:55pm

  32. 32: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    my EX keeps coming into my awareness. WHY? In some ways is good. he is my prototype in many ways for my ideal mate. his humor, our connection, the way he looks, his body type, his personality, his sense of romance.

    so is good. i have a nice template.

    add more $ and availablity and monogamy and wahla. my ideal man.

    see how close i am, i say to myself. i manifested a man very close to my ideal. how wonderful. now if he HAD been my ideal mate we would be together right now. But how lovely to KNOW WHAT I WANT and have a lot of clarity. how lovely to have found rori’s tools so I could get in touch with my goddess self and now I am bouncing around the planet in joyful blissful creating. how wonderful to meet my ideal man and say oh yes, there you are. mmm. yes. i recognize you. i have been dreaming about you for a very long time.

    oh oh i just had my other ex come into my awareness. i want to mix and match here. i want a few of his qualities also. oooooh yes yes this is fun.

    OMG. OMG. OMG. i feel weirdly happy about this. i wildly excited about this ideal mate of mine. WOW. he is a big WOW.

    WOW. omg. lucky me. (lucky him!) pshhhew. dreamy man. good good dreamy man. AND HE PICKED ME!!!! AND I PICK HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    how terrific. that’s what i say.

    Friday, 4 September 2009 @ 1:44am

  33. 33: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    i feel amused how desriable i am as a person now. all this time i could have had people loving on me and

    oh well it is good i got to experience the loneliness of scrooge as well.

    because now i APPRECIATE more. which is a fun element.

    however

    my EX

    is heavily on my brain right now. maybe i am going backwards because my exes were the closest i have found so far to what i want. if they had claimed me well

    with the one EX i would try.

    hmmmmm is that how i should feel? that’s not how i want to feel. i don’t want to feel like “i’ll try this”

    NO. i want to feel like YES. Because this man is jumping on the couch for me like tom cruise. tom cruise wasn’t like “oh well i’ll try” this marriage thing with katie.

    he was like YES!

    i want a man who is like YES ALIAS GIRL OMG ALIAS GIRL I FOUND YOU I FOUND YOU I FINALLY FOUND YOU AND I CANT STOP JUMPING UP AND DOWN ABOUT IT.

    so my feeling now is neither of these second tiered exes are qualifying as my YES man. ok good. clairty is becoming my best friend. yae.

    Friday, 4 September 2009 @ 3:20am

  34. 34: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I lost my keys about four days ago. I looked everywhere, I mean everywhere. Last night 11/2 yr boyfriend brought over my keys and said that I had a package at the post office. I have not seen or heard from him in about a month. I feel curious about my keys also I feel curious about why he brought over my package slip. My son asnwered the door and told him I wasn’t home. I arrived home about a half hour later from work. I feel angry that he just “showed up” I feel angry that while I still feel “some what” glued to him, that he can just show up. I want to punch him in the face lol. My daughter (she’s visiting) from “beauty school” says that he just wants to see me, he misses me blah blah blah. She did my makeup lol while she was giving me advice. I feel happy I have my keys back, a paddlelock watch , a crystal studded silver plated playboy bunny pendant is attached to my keys. I bought both for my daughter when she was 15 and she since thought she lost them. I dont feel to call him and thank him. I feel angry at the thought of calling him and thanking him. I refuse to call him and thank him. I am grateful that my keys where returned though. I’ll thank him in passing him by. I just dont feel the need to make a special phone call to do it. I may just punch him while thanking him so for now I”ll wait until the time the presents it self.

    I”m thinking really hard about where and how I would have lost my keys. The mailbox ? but no I distinctly remember walking home and hanging my keys. I dont know , it was driving me crazy.

    Friday, 4 September 2009 @ 3:27am

  35. 35: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    i am going to meet the love of my life within the next SEVEN days!!!!!!!!!

    omg.

    wow. whos is goona be?

    door #!
    door#2
    or

    whos it goona be?

    anyhoo even if we are both YES! About each other i may still need to move slow. we’ll see. we’ll see how i feel.

    SOMETIME IN THE NEXT SEVEN DAYS.

    it’s not my exes or they would have claimed me by now. they have seven days before their passes expire.

    seven days before i am off the market. not technically but certainly emotionally. or maybe technically too. that’d be ok with me . heck i’ve looked my whole life. i could happily be done looking. i am happy ro hang up that hat and retire it for good. way happier to BE WITH MY MAN.

    YES!

    Friday, 4 September 2009 @ 3:36am

  36. 36: TracyNo Gravatar says:

    Cookie,
    I feel compassion for what is going on…..I feel that you are indeed making progress because just by recognizing the fact that you feel bad and wanting to change that is a huge step to begin with…I totally agree with Alias Girl on working with the tools and just focusing on getting to where you’d like to be…
    I always remind myself that i should not be too hard on myself even when i make mistakes and fall….its okay i can wake up dust myself and start over again….it happens all the time….Rori says we should love both the good feelings as well as the bad ones and i totally agree with that…the good feelings show me that i am on the right path….the bad feelings show me that there is something i desire that i need to focus on and slowly it eventually manifests…so i am learning to love conflict…and those Nasty voices….and i hug them everyday and use them to point me in the direction of what will make me happy….feelings are good…

    Friday, 4 September 2009 @ 3:39am

  37. 37: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    tina you can thank him next time he reaappears. which shouldn’t be too long. :)

    they always come back
    they always come back
    they always come back

    too late too late too late

    Friday, 4 September 2009 @ 3:42am

  38. 38: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    will be good if my guy’s a nightowl huh?

    Friday, 4 September 2009 @ 3:43am

  39. 39: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    that would be fun. to have somebuddy to stay up super late with. fun fun fun. hah. we could go on a food run to the 24 hr quiki mart and buy doritos. YES!

    Friday, 4 September 2009 @ 3:45am

  40. 40: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    He doesnt get to come back just to “see me” after Iv’e all my sadness and lonilness and crying and finding my feelings, he doesnt get to “see me” at his leisure when he sat on my porch for three hours deciding and then choosing to walk away. He doenst get to “see me” after not calling for a two months of not caring enough to call me, after sleeping with another woman (town hoe). I feel so fcken angry. He doenst get to gaze upon my magnificent presence or bask in the glow of my beauifullness hehe. I would sooner slam the door, I mean slam the door so hard that the house would shake than to allow him any time with me. I feel furious, enraged that he can just so pull into my driveway and bring my keys without a thought or care in the world about how I feel. He could have easily given the post office my telephone number (if thats where I left them) He is crazy out of his mind for what he did. I feel so angry. I feel like smashing things again. I just dont have anything I feel like smashing. I feel like running around like a lunitic and smashing everything on the planet again. The sound of glass smashing feels so soothing to me right now. a big wall of glass coming down, the sound would feel so calming. I feel like throwing rocks at a huge window until it breaks then listen. I feel like telling him NEVER come to my home unannounced EVER again.

    Friday, 4 September 2009 @ 3:58am

  41. 41: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Alias girl thank you.

    I stay up all night, I work nights that may change soon. I may be “moving up” soon, I dont know. Our head councellor is taking a year off soon. I like the idea of 3am burritos lol. Some day soon for christmas I just may get everyones gifts at the 24 hour gas station with just twenty bucks lol.

    Friday, 4 September 2009 @ 4:02am

  42. 42: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m making my first batch of tomato sauce soon. I just came back from my garden and picked off the first tomatoes. I have enough to make a really nice sauce.

    Friday, 4 September 2009 @ 4:14am

  43. 43: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I sent him an email saying that I feel really furious and feeling like ive just been pissed on. blah. I didnt thank him for the key return though.

    Friday, 4 September 2009 @ 5:17am

  44. 44: KatieNo Gravatar says:

    Tina,

    You remind me so much of myself in the past. I used to write in a journal all about how bad, inconsiderate, etc. whoever was. I didn’t take it further with them in words, but I’m sure my attitude showed pretty clearly.

    When I read your words I feel like your reactions are uncalled for. If you put yourself in his position, he found your keys and he returned your keys, How is that not a nice thing that he did? I feel like you just got yourself all worked up and lost your objectivity. And I have been there. But don’t let him decide who you are going to be as a person. I have to say that I’m a little scared of your reaction to this, but I felt it was important to say.

    Friday, 4 September 2009 @ 8:44am

  45. 45: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Tina, if you’d left your keys at the mailbox, how would you have gotten home and into your house? Though that seems like the logical place you left them, because he also mentioned a package. If he found them in your mailbox and dropped them home…I can see how that would trigger you hugely. Better for him to leave them in the mailbox…but from his point of view, he was being considerate. I’m so glad you feel safe to express your rage here…and the the conflict between just wanting to thank a person for something and not wanting to contact him at all is eating at you, too. If it were me, I would do as you are and not call him, but wait until you run into to him. Logic is not what we’re about here – but feelings. Love to you, Rori

    Friday, 4 September 2009 @ 9:49am

  46. 46: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Katie, Welcome – and I hope you’ll hang around here and let us into what’s going on with you, too…so I need to stress what we’re about here. We’re not offering opinions or analysis to each other, and ABSOLUTELY NO JUDGMENTS. This is totally about support. I’M the one doing “tough love” — and I won’t be easy on you. It’s all about feelings here, and in order to feel safe to rant and rave and then, get into scripting and figure out what to do with the feelings, we each have to EXPRESS our feelings about getting triggered by what we each write here. SO — You FELT triggered by Tina, you felt what you used to feel, and it reminded you of how you used to behave –so you identify and, I’m sure, actually feel compassionate toward Tina. Tina, because she’s used to how we talk here, will not lash out at you, but simply express how what you say triggers here, and yes, it will be (if it were me it would) be filled with intense stuff.

    So – try looking through here and commenting where you can share about yourself, and how what all these comments make you FEEL. Objectivity is the LAST thing we’re into right now. First the feelings, then the words and actions. Being understanding is something we all have in common, and it’s been our downfall. Getting ABOVE it all, and really, really serving our deeper selves is where it’s at…and that’s VERY DIFFERENT from “objectivity” and “logic” and “reasonableness” – does this make sense to you, Katie?

    Friday, 4 September 2009 @ 9:56am

  47. 47: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    hi you guys -

    i’ve been feeling overwhelmed after doing that trauma release with that guy… it relates that stuff happend to us as a pattern that is embedded literally in our bodies from traumas in our past lives (or scenarios our subconcious creates)…

    ok that part yes I agree…

    and yes I do feel like I cleared a lot of my tension,,, and he has this broken down because under the tension is a lot of this information and trauma…

    and i keep coming up with these scenarios, and they’re all awful, in fact i die in them (that’s why they’re so traumatic) this is on my own, after doing the first one, and it feels overwhelming and troubling…

    and yet when I check in with myself if i should do this work ie is it good for me I get a yes. Yes. This intense work is good fro me, but the ruminating on it while I am not able to stomp it out doesnt feel good, it’s been making me exhausted…

    I feel like I embarked on a big time warrior spiritual quest and I spend a lot of time feeling overwhelmed…

    Im feeling uncomfortable sharing this because this stuff may not resonate with everyone cuz well it sure sounds different…

    my mom was like dont get caught up in a cult, and that triggered me, Im worried that I will be hurting myself, although this also resonates with feelings from my the scenarios I ‘see’ and it could be that these feelings and thoughts are more accesible now that I am less holding in tension…

    and yes Im much looser in my pelvis and even checking in I can feel the outside layer of me is freer, liek the wind can touch me and im more free, and thats just like what he said

    ps my mom always says that kinda stuff, she even said that about rori’s stuff like it could hurt me to get caught up in but i still got triggered

    im just feeling overwhelmed and a little scared of the intensity of what im experiencing and feeling … it does not feel easy to look at scenarios where I die or was molested, but it is making a scenario out of flashes of images I have always had, and feelings, like why I feel so weird when I touch myself and totally disconnect and my head tightens up, even though I havent been abused sexually (although in this scenario i see i am, and /im 5, its not this life, I can see people and hear theyr words and names and feel what I felt etc… and it feels difficult to have this stuff coming up for me)

    I am worried this wont stop and ill keep creating these scenarios if i focus on them, but this man says that is not how he has seen it happen, as i release these out of where I feel them they will clear out, and this is cool, except that I am seeing them on the bus too and feeling overwhelmed, which is also part of the scenario, too, and I cant stomp and shake and say words out loud on the bus…

    so I am asking angels for help to allow me to process this in a feel good way, at a time when processing is possible, easy and efficient and will allow me to feel good

    good gosh… this is like trauma clearing bootcamp i guess…

    and i dont even watch scary movies or sad movies because i feel disturbed or emotionally involved, so let alone my personal movies… but they are coming up for me theres no denying them, and I would love to release them from my mind/body

    thank u

    please keep an eye on me guys I feel scared, I jsut watched Haunting on Discovery channel right now and i feel weird and scared

    Friday, 4 September 2009 @ 1:38pm

  48. 48: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Hey! I actually wrote him that Im feeling overwhelmed and want to focus on being happy and don’t want to process on my own right now… and that im feeling distrustful of him right now (he will understand) , and that i feel i am losing perspective

    and I asked him for help to return back to happy mood!

    Well its already working ! lol

    Im feeling much better and relieved… yay…

    guess i don’t have to do intense work of looking at dark feelings all the time… hehe

    i am gonna relax and enjoy time now

    Friday, 4 September 2009 @ 1:57pm

  49. 49: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    daria i feel protective and nurturing. when i was working with emily she always had me flip flop back and forth between the highly triggering stuff and what she called “resourcing myself”.

    some of my resources for myself were walking on a beah. sometimes walking on a beach with my dogs or boyfriend or loved one. i would focus my attention on these details of this vision and recreate this with as much detail as possible (maybe as much detail as your trauma scenarios) and i would stay with the resource until my body cam back to a good place and my breathing returned to a good place and my mind was peaceful and content. you will be able to FFEEL it in your body. the good thing is now you have this “resource” you’ve created that you can return to at anytime in life.

    if the resource stops working you find another one that does. i also had a resource of a second family with a fiercely protective loving attentive father and loving mother and just very closeknit loving relatives and they threw me birthday parties etc and just loved me i mean they love me (present tense) a whole bunch.

    i learned to become aware of what brought me joy quickyl. (ie a certain pair of shoes i have always make me smile and feel good) or all sorts of things start becoming resources until i learn to literally be able to navigate my state of being.

    i hope this helps. you are a great warrior who is very valuable and appreciated by all you help.

    Friday, 4 September 2009 @ 1:59pm

  50. 50: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    This is what happened with the key situation. Someone dropped my keys off at the post office, the lady there knew that we were dating. I dont know how it turned out that anyone knew the keys belonged to me, just that my box number is on the key for the mailbox.She gave him the keys and my package pickup slip. He took both and brought them over to my house while I was away. I have a spare key that I was using. He could have given her my number because that was the problem she was having, she didnt have it. I feel furious that I wasnt “good enough” for him, I feel furious that he was feeling “considerate” and dropped off the keys. I’ll thank him some day, just not now.

    Friday, 4 September 2009 @ 2:36pm

  51. 51: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    This is a tuff week end for me. A year ago today the love of , with whom I had experience such deep intimacy with showed up with degrading evidence that he had been with another woman. To top it all off the man I have been seeing off and on is out of my life too. What a year. I feel defeated because I have not made the progress I wanted, yet have I. I went back and read my warrior woman post. I was not her a year ago. She is pretty cool! Hey you know its not as bad as I thought. Instead of looking at what isnt I should be focusin on what is. (reminding myself)

    There is a guy I have accepted a dinner invitation with this evening, I will go and see what is up. Most of me wants to just sleep, (escape I think would be a better word for it). Oh well, who knows what tomorrow will bring? I got a weird stirring in my belly. I feel closed and cynical and untrusting. Nothing in me feel open. hmmm

    Linda :-<

    Friday, 4 September 2009 @ 2:45pm

  52. 52: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    He emailed me back and said that he was doing me a favor ( I didnt ask for a favor) then said he was trying to be ‘nice” hm. I feel furious , furious furious.

    Friday, 4 September 2009 @ 3:25pm

  53. 53: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I bought a new dress, I was invited to a wedding party tomorrow night, wooohooo. “warm and fuzzy” is going to be there. It’s something to look forward too.

    Friday, 4 September 2009 @ 3:28pm

  54. 54: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Awe Linda, hopefully your spirits will pick up. I feel tired I have to work tonight and didnt get much sleep today. I was out shopping for a dress.

    Friday, 4 September 2009 @ 3:30pm

  55. 55: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Alias Girl –

    Thank you so much for understanding@!! and for the resources tips!!! omgosh I was thinking that no one would understand

    Guess what as a result – like he said a lot of stuff got cleared frommy outer layers, there was a tightening that was holding all this stuff in…

    well now 2 days later, i still feel it, even with no stretching, i think its permanent!!

    THERE IS NO WALL BETWEEN ME AND OTHER PEOPLE anymore!!!! not in front of my face or chest or all over, I just look them in the eye much freer, and they seem to LIKE ME!! even when I’m telling them stuff totally against their belief systems or whatever, they still seem attracted to me… a lot of my fear is gone too?!

    There is no wall between me and other people!!! this rocks! it rocks!

    also now I am feeling much more intensely and clearly in my body, which is a bit scary as my diaphragm fear i can feel like a whirry motor much stronger, and also basically everything else

    today I woke up with a feeling of absolute joy, which then as i woke up got replaced with feeling dread because i started feeling whirry motor and the ‘movie’ images started coming up, but I just held them in me Rori style and loved my body and whiry motor in my tummy instead of letting it run around and spin thoughts for me…

    I am still resourcing (thanks AG) right now, sunshine so beautiful, people looking at me WITH NO WALL is freakin amazing!!!! it feels so good I actually feel relaxed now and not like they’re gonna attack me

    Saturday, 5 September 2009 @ 3:12am

  56. 56: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Tina personally I think he just wanted an excuse to try to see you, rather than doing you a favor. I think he is totally “on your jock” lol.

    Not that that excuses not feeling good behavior. no no. So go ahead and feel angry, raise those boundaries yay! But I just wanted to say that I think you’re more than good enough for him and I think he is bsing about being considerate he was tryna see you Goddess! =)

    Saturday, 5 September 2009 @ 3:16am

  57. 57: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Linda hugs! You will open up pretty Goddess! Babysteps… those men are just messengers to get you clear on what YOU WANT. Brava for date yay! more practice, more babysteps… more love for Linda from Linda.

    Saturday, 5 September 2009 @ 3:19am

  58. 58: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m gonna write somethign for myself that bothers me

    all my life (or maybe times in my life) i wished my dad was more protective of me, like I wish he was bigger and stronger and would knock people out on the street or soemthing, because that seems/seemed masculine to me…

    or maybe came out and threatened to beat up boys that were bothering me, llike some other people’s dads did for their kids, although that seemed kinda boorish when they did it, like they were immature adults (i hope boorish is not some ancient racist derived term, i don’t mean it that way and i think it is, so i am gonna look for a different word) … i know my dad thought that was uncivilized and not the thing to do… that is come out and threaten to beat up lil kids… but still i wish he would have at some point on some level i guess…

    I feel really ashamed and guilty for feeling this way

    my dad is very agressive verbally and actually he is intimdating on an emotional level, and now lately he seems more agressive … and i wonder if im projecting this on him, I don’t like this either!!

    I just worry that he will get knocked out or something or I don’t know how strong he is because he’s not very big (he’s not that small either)

    this feels very tense and guilty to me

    also I worry if he has a big penis or if maybe he’s not good in bed or soemthing, because I wonder how my son will turn out in this department… this feels very uncomfortable saying by the way… I feel like a weirdo…

    ok

    thanks…me… looking forward to clarity and healing whta this is because my guess is this is more about me than about my dad… so now that ive written it out im bascially releasing it so that i can heal it and get clarity on it…

    also angels please help with this thanks.

    Saturday, 5 September 2009 @ 3:36am

  59. 59: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i also get the feeling that my mom is not very satisfied sexually wiht my dad, i dono… we dont talk about this in my house

    God this feels uncomfortable to write, i feel so scared that my mom would read this and feel furious and betrayed by me for writing such personal things about her

    of course this is just my guess, not something she said to me directly… I feel weird and uncomfy! Ick feeling… I love all my feelings, even the icky ones!! I love them… and that feels like a lil sigh and still sad feeling and semi pouty lips and squeezy in my liver and back of calves and above my vulva… whoa trigger again now i feel like smiling hehe I love my feelings, and i love my root self that is the bottom of my spine which I can feel now thank goodness, and also this area on the right of my chest that feels tight i love it too!
    lots of love I feel all anxious to finish writing right now and I love that feeling too…

    Saturday, 5 September 2009 @ 3:41am

  60. 60: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel horrified and tight in my shoulder that i wrote this on a public blog instead of a private journal… i feel sinky and hot in my middle , i feel tight in my left buttcheek lol i feel amused… i LOVE MYSELF I LOVE MYSELF I LOVE MYSELF I LOVE MYSELF I LOVE MYSELF I LOVE MYSELF ILOVE MYSELF so much
    huge hugs to me… loving hugs of being accepted i lovvve me i want to love me i want to be enough for myself I LOVE ME I LOVE ME I LOVE MEEEEEEEE

    Saturday, 5 September 2009 @ 3:43am

  61. 61: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    daria i experienced something similar by working with emily. I had had these Intense invisible walls of energy up that separated me from people. I had a very defensive Stance and i could feel when this energy/wall dropped/dissipated.

    I also had experiences where I had these sort of …i don’t know how to explain them. ..little monsters of energy . one lived on my chest and another was in my tummy. and when the one on my chest was finally ripped away (that’s how it felt) I literally felt like i was DYING. i’m sure i riffed about it on this blog. i remember riffing about it because i literally felt like i was dying. but then i FINALLY FINALLY fell asleep for the night and the next morning it was gone.

    then the stomach one i could feel it being ripped away and i was literally on the ground feeling weird pain.

    and then it was gone.

    all these things/energies/walls/ whatever had been with me as long as i could remember. i am truly a different person walking around the world now.

    Then after i had the re do of my shithole childhood at my job- wow. a lot of stuff was healed with that.

    and now i just have the fear- in-the-morning gremlin (hence the late night hours i stay awake to avoid it.) but i don’t know how to heal that one yet. I feel intensely fearful and paralyzed in the mornings. If i wake up later i feel fine and ready to go. it seems to have little to do with how many hours i sleep. it has to do with MORNINGS.

    yae. daria. i feel so happy your walls dissolved. it’s a whole other world huh?

    Saturday, 5 September 2009 @ 3:49am

  62. 62: Mary AnnNo Gravatar says:

    So my excitedness and giddiness has morphed into feeling sick to my stomach…he hasn’t called and I was confident and now that’s fading. I don’t want to believe that he’s going to disappoint me, I’m trying not to think about him at all…I have no control over what he does…and I need to not wait for whatever he decides to do. Its just the cycle of hoping that is so hard to deal with. I feel scared and nauseous…and tight in my chest. I’m PMSing too which always makes it worse lol!
    I’m trying to take deep breaths but then I want to cry…its so tight in my diaphragm.
    I would rather he take his time in deciding that he is ready to start something real with me, then spend all kinds of time with me and then decide against it. I have to stop thinking about him…and breathe through the fear. I just wish I could make this sick feeling go away.

    Saturday, 5 September 2009 @ 12:40pm

  63. 63: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    hi MaryAnn – I feel its very important to cry and give full expression to our feelings… Rori has a tool to drop on our knees and feel the feeling, including crying…

    also make sure you are Circular Dating so that you don’t wind up focusing on this one man, this is something Circular Dating helps a lot with, it’s one of the first things it helps, feeling hung up on one guy and whether he calls or what he does

    Saturday, 5 September 2009 @ 1:03pm

  64. 64: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks for the well wishes. The date I went on was EEEEEWWHH! Oh well . Nice man, too old, too short, and controlling. We ate at a very well known restaurant and he began explaining the menu to me like I would have never been there before. LOL

    He asked if we could go somewhere and walk or to the movies. I did not want to go anywhere with him. I wanted to go home. I made an excuse and said I had heels on (which was true)…. he said well you can go home and change. He ended up following me home, my house was a slight mess (by my standards) and let him sit in the family room. I drove us to a nearby park and as we walked he tried to hold my hand!… EEEWWWWH when i pulled it away he tried to put his arm around my waist to walk closer…. double EEEWWWWH!…. When we got back to my home, I said I was tired and was headed to bed. He was complimentary and asked me to play tennis on Sunday and sailing on Monday!…. he told he how very attractive I was (which I have not heard and forever) and that he was feeling very comfortable with me, how smart and articulate I was…. ugh!… I just said, “thank you for your compliments and dinner, but I am just not feeling any attraction to you” he responded… I sensed that. sigh….. why is it and the guys I dont like at all like me? The whole time I was with him was… I was thinking I want this to be over with…. I dont know what his message was to me. All I could hear was me sayin ewwwwwhhh! LOL
    Why in the world would a man try to walk hand and hand or arm around your waist on a first date that was not going well?…..That is a couple thing! not an acquaintence thing.! That was the icing on the eeewwwwwhhhhh cake. LOL here let me type EEEEEWWWWHHH again it feels great. I am amusing myself now.

    See I proved to myself that I am not desperate for the attentions of just any man…. This guy was great to talk to on the phone but in person….. well eeewwwwhhh. LOL I feels be honest and not worry about his feelings and tell him I was not attracted to him. It feels good that I did not let him hold my hand or put his arm around my waist….Next time I encounter this I will say no to going for the walk too and just thank him for the meal and jet! This baby took more steps.

    I know the value of circular dating, I sing its praises. I know that we should always keep things real ,feet on the ground and head out of the clouds…I know we can get addicted to toxic men and relationships. I wondered if I was addicted to the king of empty words….maybe I am and and detoxing….

    Way in the back of my mind, I got this little small voice that says ” Linda what are you doing? Why do you doubt me?… How does faith play into all of this. I want to put the king of empty words on the back of my horse and ride… but the warning got stronger, “becareful what you invite into your life”…. every time I go on a date, resign up on dating web sites, etc I get this conviction to not do that. WHY?….why This last guy I just met came from a short repost on a website. I dont know maybe I am reading too much into everything. All I know is my circumstance all scream the exact opposite the king of empty words coming around and honoring them to me.

    I gotta take a break…I will dress up and go out with my male friend from work. Have an adult beverage and unwind. Somethings gotta give I dont want to think anymore…

    Linda

    Saturday, 5 September 2009 @ 2:39pm

  65. 65: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    yae linda i feel excited about your ew date!!! yae! i feel excited when men are very into me and have been treating me like a goddess! I feel very deserving and OF COURSE! and i just take all of these wonderful ways they act toward me and consider it me getting closer to my dream man (six days y’all!!!!). I say to myself yes that behavior felt very very good to receive that is definitely what i want.

    i can’t explain it but i feel excited that he was all into you. but yes, i know how the whole other part of the experience feels ick because it is the wrong man. i just don’t focus on that part and feel glad the date is over and go back over in my mind (like you did) about how i might have drawn better boundaries or what not. but I keep with me the fact that they treated me like a goddess. BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I DESERVE. Big hug and love to you linda!

    i told his guy online that bascially i really don’t want anything less than a man jumping on a couch for me. and he was like ‘what? jump on couch? what?”

    hehehe. so i explained it to him. I feel excited about him but i want him to choose me without him even having spoken to me yet . hehee i feel absurd. i feel so insecure. i feel like one of those guys who wants to lock a girl down while he decides. I feel like laser focussing him and slamming him in the cage. heehehehe.

    so i really feel better to just back off and let things unfold as they will. but he’s really cute and well who knows. because real life is like way different than a few emails.

    Saturday, 5 September 2009 @ 9:21pm

  66. 66: Mary AnnNo Gravatar says:

    Daria you’re right…i need to feel the feelings… let them out. I trying so hard not to think about him…and think about other things…I was fine all week I was thinking positive things, I was confident…and then yesterday morning I woke up all insecure and panicky..why is that? I don’t know what happened to make me lose my happy giddy feelings?
    Tonight I was at a bbq with friends and somehow my horrendous dating history and lack of a husband became the topic of conversation for everyone there…wasn’t there a movie where the main female character has the exact same thing happen to her at the beginning of the movie? Does that mean I’ll live happily ever after with Matthew McConaughey? hahahahahahahahaa!! That’s it…my life stops being a bad movie right here!! D**m it! haha..that still sounds cheesy but anyway…good night :)

    Saturday, 5 September 2009 @ 9:48pm

  67. 67: TracyNo Gravatar says:

    Mary Ann,
    I am with Daria on circular dating…it really helps…
    I had similar fears and frustrations and i would whine and feel bad when the guy didn’t call…The more i meet other men,make new connections and new friends the less i feel attached to what doesn’t feel good to me…
    And the good part is my phone is always ringing with guyz wanting to meet me and hang out with me….that never used to happen before…At first i was in absolute shock at the attention i was getting…thew guyz were not always attractive and some felt quite disappointing but the more i circular date the better they get…
    I am still learning so much about myself…and the more i get into it the more i learn that i need to be patient with myself..baby steps…i feel that self realization is a process and it unwinds day after day…something new and wonderful to discover everyday…

    Saturday, 5 September 2009 @ 10:49pm

  68. 68: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Linda … thank you for this great feeling message!! “”thank you for your compliments and dinner, but I am just not feeling any attraction to you””

    i am stealing it, although i still feel scared to use it

    Saturday, 5 September 2009 @ 11:15pm

  69. 69: TracyNo Gravatar says:

    I found this a bit interesting,
    I am sitting with my friends at a coffee place and my friend’s fiance steps in,and he hugs everyone and i felt and thought to myself…this guyz must look great to the rest of the guyz in the restaurant with all the female attention…
    Then he goes to greet some other friends of his….also women…and my friend made a comment that he should remind them that he’s now engaged(his fiancee)I felt that she was a bit uncomfortable with him going around saying hi to everyone literally…and it so happened that one of the girls’ on the other table was an ex girlfriend of his…I just felt that all this felt so uncomfortable for me…yet we sat there and smiled and even bitched about the EX being bigger…
    I wondered how it would play out if instead of this,it was the girl…shinning with all her goddess nature..saying hi and smiling to the world..if the tables turned and instead of feeling like the fortunate one..i felt like the one doing the choosing…
    Lesson for me here is that i felt insecure…even though he wasn’t my man…I felt angry that this guy had so many options it was oozing all over him….he’s engaged and it still felt like he had so many options…The confidence that builds from that was evident…
    It got me thinking about circular dating and how all this plays out for me…So i decided for this coming week i am going to do stuff that boosts my confidence and make me feel good about myself…..

    Sunday, 6 September 2009 @ 12:00am

  70. 70: TracyNo Gravatar says:

    Just to add on to all these….i felt that the moment i fail to recognize and process through a feeling going on inside of me…i immediately disconnect from myself and instead i pick up a pretense and my smile is not real…my words are not genuine….and i am not myself…I actually felt the disconnect…and it felt that i was in touch with the present…i was either roaming in the past….or fears of a future to come..and eventually i totally disconnected myself from the moment and i started worrying about something else from my past…and when this happened the present moment was no longer fun and enjoyable as it ought to have been…
    I feel amused writing all these down and its interesting how i shifted from a perfectly good moment to a not so good moment just by using my thoughts and the feelings followed suit..

    Sunday, 6 September 2009 @ 12:09am

  71. 71: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    i feel guilty when i express feeling messages of:

    anger
    insecurity
    disapointment (i do not use the word disappoint)
    disgust (again i choose other words)

    i feel guilty. I feel like i am only supposed to focus on the positive. rrrrrrrrrrrrrr…. than i feel like i am betraying myself. usually when i express my truth and the other person expresses their truth then i feel better. regardless of whether the other person altered any of their behavior at all. just me expressing my truth i feel better. but i feel ungoddessey expressing anything that doesn’t feel like white clouds blue sky and sunshine.

    any suggestions or feedback?

    Sunday, 6 September 2009 @ 12:36am

  72. 72: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria: when I read your comment I literally laughed out loud. Thank you for pointing out that is was a great feeling message. You know, I questioning if I even used feeling messages. I guess I do! I guess I use them all the time. I think of it as being genuine and being honest. I feel more accomplished now. It did feel quite liberating to express “point blank” how I was feeling.

    I want to share something that his guy told me on the phone. He said that women are too worried about hurting a guys feelings and they should just be honest with them. I did that. Somehow it is easier when I dont have a romantic interest in them. If I do then I feel tenative and unsure, not wanting to mess up.

    OH MY Gosh…! I just had an ephifany… I should never be afraid to share how I am feeling, good or bad, interested or not. That is the key to my inner happiness. Is that the key to getting what you want in a relationship? I am not going to be an emotional “bull in someones china shop”, but expressing how I feel when it is appropriate is protective, directive and healthy. If I am afraid of losing something then that is when I begin to loose it because I am altering me and loosing myself instead.

    OK…Alias girl.. maybe you were like me and grew up with unhealthy examples of negative feeling messages.They just were expressed in a ways that were really hurtful. I seemed to be on the receiving end alot growing up. For the longest time I was all closed up, never took chances, was a loner, did not express my feelings or say much of anything because then I would not be the focus or the cause of an issue. It was a bad way to live… I dont even know who I came out of that it was a process. I guess I wanted to feel alive and as I grew older I took my power back and claimed and validated me. The thing I will say that was good about me being guarded and quiet all those years was I just sat back and watched people, learned about human nature and, my intuitive side developed. So I will say it made me an observant, wiser person today. I will pick my battles and watch for the real reason someone is saying what they are. Often what they are saying is not how they are really feeling.

    Perhaps it all comes down to being genuine all the time and watching for the right time to speak. Owning all of our feelings is liberating and expressing them healthy. Guilt about them?….try to remember why you feel guilty, there was a time when some event triggered that feeling for you. Go back there and replay it look at it again. Often because that event felt so bad we alter our course and behavior for years and dont know why. There is a little lie we believe in that moment that influences us and until you uncover it it most likely will affect you.

    ….. Every man I have ever had a relationship, date or friendship with has said… “I feel very comfortable and as ease with you” Isnt that what we want… to be a place where the man feels better with us than alone?… I need to watch for that too. I want to feel better with him and by myself.

    Good stuff, all good stuff.

    Hugs.. Linda

    Sunday, 6 September 2009 @ 7:34am

  73. 73: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Daria.

    I supposed to “feel” better. I just feel like ‘crap.” I went to the wedding reception. “She” was there and tried to approach me all night, I felt like most of my night was spent ducking and dodging her (very masculine energy towards me all night” almost to the point of confrontational. She approached my son and daughter and said to them , did your mother tell you not to speak to me and got a little dramatic about it. My kids are grown and know how to handle themselves. She told my 22 yr.old daughter about her brief relationship with 11/2 yr. guy. My daughter just walked away from her.

    I felt relief from having a dance partner for the rest of the night even then I felt as I was being “circled” lol. “warm and fuzzy” said that I looked great but never danced or approached me for the rest of the night. I managed to maintain eye contact with several men in the room but most of them coudnt do it. I felt I spent my night outgirling the men lol crap/! except for my dance partner. He couldnt dance very well but I let him lead me even though I felt like doing the leading. I did do my “goddess walk” across the room when I had the chance, talk about EYEBALLS lol. I was feeling uh huh, you want me to do that again lol. One man I know is married he kept looking at me all night watching my every move, well actually there were two married ones.

    My dance partner followed me around all night when he could or I let him. He seemed really nice and was respectful all night. We talked about who our families were, he was visiting and came up for the wedding. He has a construction business, one of the guys that work for him was in the wedding party so he said he would come along for the drive then go hunting today. The only thing that didnt work for me was when he gave me his business card and said if I ever wanted a house built to call him. I let that go, I didnt offer him my number. I just thank you. I didnt feel any attraction for him, just a friendly face and a dance partner for the night.

    I had fun being with my daugher again, she is a very wise girl for her age, she is a natural goddess, she understands and does naturally, what I struggle to do and feel lol.

    Sunday, 6 September 2009 @ 8:24am

  74. 74: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel grateful to recieve my “tools” from Rori in my inbox : ) I just recieved on now lol.

    Sunday, 6 September 2009 @ 8:34am

  75. 75: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel excited, I planning to buy the “heartconnection” tool kit. It fits into my budget right now. weeee

    Sunday, 6 September 2009 @ 8:42am

  76. 76: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    thank you linda. yes. for some reason in my head i have this idea (rule) not to say anything that might make someone else uncomfortable. even if it means betraying myself or my own needs. i mean i don’t do it anymore. i speak my truth. i just still have that uncomfortable feeling. more like i am feeling bad FOR the other person. and feeling guilty i caused those bad feelings. but i am NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW ANYONE ELSE FEELS. nor is anyone else responsible for how i feel.

    i am learning.

    still it feels waayyy better to feel uncomfortable and a little guilty than to feel self hating resentment because i did not speak up. i always feel better after speaking up. i feel empowered.

    and yes what you said about women being afraid of hurting men’s feelings….i have said things i thought for sure would send men running and they are unphazed for the most part. almost appreciative of the honesty.

    the whole “be nice” at all expense paradigm i learned is utter crap.

    utter crap

    tracy i feel appreciative of you sharing about the fiance guy. that feels good. to just shine my light and let people adore me. i felt good to read an example of that.

    maryann welcome to your new ‘movie’ with the happy ever after in it!

    tina i feel bad you were being stalked at the wedding. i feel good you were being all goddessey though with your walk and stuff.

    sometimes when men email me and i just want to delete them because of this reason or that. i force myself to respond.

    ie. thank you for the compliment. like i said i don’t feel we are a match. please don’t email me anymore. i wish you the best of luck.

    just like i had to learn to confront “bullys” i am also learning to confront “stalker-like” people. They are similar. I find once i say something in a polite non aggressive (non pasive aggressive) way they usually go away. buit my intial reaction is intense anger (understandably as they are stepping on my boundaries). my initial reaction is to FLEE.

    but not anymore.

    i feel empowered. empowered enough to walk around the planet shining my goddess light. like mariah carey.

    Sunday, 6 September 2009 @ 5:33pm

  77. 77: ErikaNo Gravatar says:

    Whoa, great post Rori. Sometimes easier said than done, though ;-)

    I just got back from an amazing week at Burning Man. One of my guys turns out to be a very powerful healer, and we had such an amazing time. Our “wounds” were mirror images of each other, so we started the healing with incredibly honest conversation, including me expressing a lot of anger, and then the past three days he gave me these unbelievable healings in one of the sacred healing domes there.

    Some buried traumas came up from my childhood and were cleared, and I feel like a different person. I have mobility in my shoulders that I don’t remember EVER having. My muscles usually have a fair bit of tension but now they feel soft and gooey. And this low level emotional pain that had been there seems to be gone. As I drove back today, I sang along to the radio and noticed I had much deeper access to my breathing and vocal depth than usual.

    EFT and feeling messages are wonderful, but sometimes I find I need someone else’s help to make the big breakthroughs. These old traumas are what have blocked intimacy for me, even after I learned all the new skills. The new skills didn’t feel comfortable and didn’t get the results I wanted until clearing the traumas with energy healing.

    I’m intrigued by the work that Daria is doing also.

    I feel inspired now to integrate my sex chakras in with my heart chakra and intuition. I’ll be blogging about how we did the healing, probably tomorrow.

    As the week went on, my resistance to him really melted down. And his “seeing me” dialed way up. It felt really, really beautiful. Like God was there.

    Love,
    Erika

    Sunday, 6 September 2009 @ 9:57pm

  78. 78: SheilaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m so sorry first of all, i don’t want to offend anyone here by posting my quesion…I desperately need answers!
    Well here I go.
    I’m very frustrated,also sad, but I am very much in love with my boyfriend. I’m 49 years old and my partner is 50… He has not been in very many long term relationships, longest one has been 8 months, for my self I was married for many years then divorced because of a unhealthy relationship, my second relationship lasted almost 10 years then my boyfriend died in 2006. I met my new man in april of this year. we have great chemistry,laughing,spirituality, cry together, loving, enjoy tantra which he introduced me to. We love the intimacy it brings us.. I good go on, but i need to ask this question…He told me he used to masturbate allot, and give himself many orgasms,that’s cool i have also when I was in no relationship. But I think he is addicted to masturbating,He won’t kiss me anywhere butmy lips and of course my sacred area, I asked him if he still does and he was open and honest about it. He says not anymore, I truly want to believe him but research from what little i found was that a man gets a high from doing it himself, he has let himself go into me once after 6 months( I think it surprised him) I told him how much I felt like we were one, he also agreed how good it felt, the other times we go a very long time making love because of the tantra we can both stop the ejaculation process (i Know that’s great) but he can’t ejaculate in me or even when he is still hard or has to pull out because he looses his hardness it becomes limp, Of course i don’t feel like I’m sexually attracted to him but i know i am by the way he touches and loves me, he uses the excuse of being tired or that maybe he’s not use to me i say bull crap! not to him though. The research also says, a man can get moody or not interested in having sex with their partner they are used to giving them pleasure only,,,I do every thing that turns him on we are both very open, he has taught me to love my body and not to be ashamed because of being used as a sex object all my life. He wants to be the best lover to me and he is, he tells me that no woman has made him so sexually attracted. We can talk about anything, except for his hand stimulating himself…i asked him once for honesty and told him that it was okay because he was alone so many years, hey I said i understand i have my toy also. please help me to find out if this is truly a problem or not, They also say that a man will have trouble focusing if they masturbate too much he has all the symptoms but i have no answers to go with, i’m sorry this is so long but i love my relationship and my man of course…but need help.> I want this relationship to be full of trust, and to be a healthy one…I have come to a point in my life where I have found someone who is compatible and enjoys life the way most people should. I want to be there no matter what and work on our relationship with our selves and on each other. Hes brought so much fullness into my life he is a bonus and I know he feels that way also.
    > Thanks sheila

    Tuesday, 15 September 2009 @ 10:23am

  79. 79: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Sheila, I think this is one for tinque –so be sure to post this as a question on her blg – sexandheart.com…for me…it doesn’t MATTER what he does for himself!!!It only matters what he does with YOU!!! And if it’s not enough, then that’s where you focus, not on what he’s doing that may be making it not enough…do you see how this works? It’s no t your business if he masturbates 10 times a day. Only if it affects YOUR love life is it worth bringing up…this is delicate territory, and it seems like you’re doing well with the conversation. I wish you good luck. Love, Rori

    Thursday, 17 September 2009 @ 10:19pm

  80. 80: SheilaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Rori,I guess in away it does affect me, Maybe I just think the point of love making is when the man finishes, he is inside you, “God thats embarrassing.” I want him to feel satisfied also, why do I feel that I’m not enough then.

    Friday, 18 September 2009 @ 8:08am

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