what’s the message? ? ? ? ? i don’t know. it doesn’t always feel clear. i feel scared and vulnerable writing all this for some reason. i’m not trying to criticze these men i have encountered. well maybe some of them. but my intention is to find the message rather than criticize so please allow me some grace in the way i went about it. argh.

what’s the message? some men online that i would have given a chance but they couldn’t even keep a conversation going. and those ones didn’t ask for my phone number. so if their last email was something to the effect of Oh you’re silly. i just didn’t respond back. what’s the message? i hate girley unpursuing men. what’s the message? i don’t want to row the boat. i WILL NOT row the boat no matter how few (zero) men i have in my rotation. i will not not not not not not not not not. i want a man who wants me and wants to crash on my shore.

what about the men who want to crash on my shore via text message only. what’s the message? who cares. the message is i don’t want a girley timid man. i force myself to do things that frighten me in the dating game. i need a man to step up to the man role. and that is not courting me via text messages. (unless he’s already sort of established himself as a rower/pursuer.)

what about the men i talked to on the phone who even sounded feminie? one was a proveable liar. what’s the message? i don’t like liars. i am more attracted to men who tell the truth even if it doesn’t put them in the best light. i like the truth. it feels safe and good to me.

what about the guy who seemed like he waas playing these weird games and when i leaned back he basically went crazy and contacted me with a fury. ew. i don’t know what the message is but it felt reaally scary. the message is i am so glad i paid attention to my feelings and expressed myself.

what about the guy i felt utterly bored with. i tried level 1, 2, 3 listening. i tried to really get interested and curious. what was the message? he will make a good match for someone else but not me. i didn’t even want to go on a coffee date with him. or even have another conversation with him. oh oh oh i know what the message is? he didn’t reall seem truly interested in me. just more superficial skimming over things trying to get to the next step kind of thing. (he was an accountant and did things like you would expect a cliche of an accountant would. dry. humor was not his strong suit)

what is the message? i feel bad for being so picky. i feel

only one coffee date i had do i feel was decent. we weren’t a match but we enjoyed the time together and he was really sweet and thoughtful. i could do coffee dates easy if they were all like that.

what’s the message? i don’t need to make it about bad or wrong. things are what they are.

oh and i was flirting with this one guy the other day and he flirted back and i almost immediately shut down bc i felt scared he would fall in love with me or want to take me on

I don’t know how I missed this before, it really made me think.

@Reshi: I can really relate to your last riff …

Thanks for all the congratulations.

For Valentine’s day my husband brought the bouquet he usually gets me, but simpler, just some roses in a vase from the store. But it felt different somehow.

I told him that I felt happy that he thought of me. But then I felt bad that I didn’t get anything for him, because I honestly hadn’t thought of him … and then I thought no, you’re leaning back. So I made a big fuss over the flowers and he seemed just as happy as if I got him something.

Leaning back is so hard for me, because he plays computer games all the time too, and if I didn’t go over to him I would never see him or get a hug or anything. I just need to not do that, just wait for him to come to me. Ugh, this is difficult.

Today was Valentine’s Day… I met a new guy from Plenty of Fish and prior to our meeting I wasn’t expecting much, just being open to practicing and enjoying a man’s company for a few hours… Well, we met at 4pm in a beautiful little park in a beautiful little shopping and social area close to where I live. I live in FL and today was absolutely gorgeous and warm and sunny and breezy so we sat on a bench and watched the people and the squirrels. I leaned as far back as I could, made eye contact, listened at levels 2 and 3 and opened my vagina sideways! Two and a half hours flew by and we were still chatting away but I had to pee so I told him I needed to find a bathroom and he asked if he could take me to dinner… I said yes and we enjoyed more lovely time together eating and drinking wine and sharing funny stories (me still using the TOOLS!). We finally said goodnight around 10pm, 6 hours with a guy I thought would bore me to death… I used the tools and loved myself and the interesting thing is, is as we were walking to our cars he made a comment as to how confident I was and how attractive that was…HA! He could feel and sense that from me because I was LOVING me FIRST! It really works, so amazingly well… thank you Rori and all of you goddesses for being so open and honest and loving enough to share what’s been going on with you. I learn so much from all of you.

When I got home tonight I spent a bit of time IM-ing the froggy guy (from my last post on this thread) on the computer and I realized that he’s just using me… he doesn’t want a real relationship (or even a meeting for that matter…) even though he strung me back in the other night with his lame apology… I said to him tonight after over an hour of blah IM-ing, “So when are we going to meet and get this over with already?” He hesitated,,, then typed, “Well, let’s see…” I typed back, “I feel weird taking the lead here so help me out…” I still didn’t get much of a response from him so that’s when I said to myself… he doesn’t want to meet you, he wants to perpetuate this “fantasy” relationship. Well, NO MORE! I am not going to be available at all and I won’t communicate with him that way until after we meet. I don’t even want to meet him actually… he’s had my phone number too and still hasn’t called. YUCK! Too many other great men out there…

Love to you all…

baby steps but still i feel progress and satisfaction and more love. more love for self and more love for others. i feel like i am really beginning to see and hear men for the first time. i feel comforted that i am begining to feel like a Real relationship is possible and what it might really be like.i certainly feel high quality. not in a snotty way just a real way.

You are so lovely and authentic and perfect… just the way you are. My heart feels heavy for you and it feels suffocated for you and trapped for you. YOU have choices my darling… your life may not change overnight but baby steps will get you to where you want to go. You MUST believe in and love yourself first (but you already know that) you too Reshi and Katja and Linda and Alias Girl. Do these two things for yourself: Be aware of what you can control (ask, what are those things?) and be aware of what you can’t influence in “your world”. Ponder those questions for a few days and see what happens. I don’t post here often but I read almost everything you all write and I feel so close to you beautiful creatures… I am so in awe of the power and strength, and love and creativity that flows from each of you! I feel like I know you and I feel like I LOVE each of you as a sister. We are all one… we are all connected and I FEEL that in my bones and in my heart and it feels warm and soft and safe and wonderful.

I have a quick story to share… I’ve been having some interesting experiences with circular dating and as hard as it is sometimes I keep at it. I’ve been emailing back and forth with this cute guy for a few days/weeks and initially he was being girley and feminine so I started to lean waaaay back. Of course he moved toward me, but then he started asking me some inappropriate questions… nothing too terrible but they still made me feel uncomfortable. I’ve been avoiding him for two days because he made me feel “yuck” and I didn’t know what to say exactly, but today I wrote to him and told him I thought we may be looking for different things and that the questions he was asking me were making me feel weird and uncomfortable… I just told the TRUTH! He responded immediately by telling me that he was sorry and that he knew he had crossed the line, said he was “testing” me. Whatever… he’s froggy but I was honest and leaned back and shared my FEELINGS and he came running after me! Mercedes is so right (and Rori too) about being HAPPY… the vibes are soooo strong and sooooo sexy. There are tons of men… lining up all over the place…

I love you all ***