(PS – I take back what I said about not calling the place you live your home, that may have seemed harsh. As long as you feel it is, then it is and you have all the rights and privileges someone has over their own home. )

An update here….These last few days have been hell emotionally but in some ways I have seen change in me that I never expected to come at that particular moment and that in itself is great. I had to drive back to the city where I moved from to go and see one of my Dr’s there. Due to some past health issues that are totally fine now but I still have to see them all once a year 2 make sure- I am keeping all of my old docs cuz they all know me so well and what I went thru so anyway…. I had to drive 6 hours to my old city and stayed with one of my best friends and her family. That was awesome to see her and her family and for the first time really since right after moving here I felt safe and loved just for being me. It was so refreshing and I truly had a wonderful time and was actually relaxed. Ahhhhh that felt great. It was so good to be with ‘family’ again. They want me to come back for Thanksgiving and I wold love that but am committed here with Charles and his family to cook some stuff and bring it to his Mother’s house. Not sure what to do about that yet….It is so funny in that I was SO anxious to leave here and go anywhere that far from home right now but then when it was time to come home…i was anxious to comeback! That spoke volumes to me. I shared pix with my BFF of Charles and I and interestingly her response was….’Cass…what are you thinking?!’ I am not sure why but since I have been back home and even on the way home yesterday I have seen Charles so differently. He was up near where I was on a trucking job so on the way home we met up at a truck stop to have lunch together on the way home and I felt so distant from him….i felt so disconnected from him….I saw him SO differently…..I felt as though I did not even know him….I even wondered “what AM I thinking?’….He was loving and attentive and even gave me a huge hug and kiss inside the truck stop which he has not done in public in a very long time. I was feeling so anxious about coming back here. When I got home I had a really tough night for several different reasons and have had no support from Charles what so ever. My Grandfather passed away last night and again I have had no support…he did offer to give me his gas card so that I can drive 7 hours to Dayton OH. on Sunday to go to services on Monday which I appreciated but I don’t want to take anything from him anymore at all….not even that which would allow me to go to my Grandaddy’s funeral….they want me to sing in the service…not sure if I am strong enough to do that without crying. Is that wrong of me? Should I let him pay for my trip? Not sure what to do on that. I have been feeling so down even since yesterday even before my Grandaddy died last night…is it because I am back here? perhaps? I have not been able to stop crying but I think that this is good in that I am obviously working through something even if I am not sure exactly what that something is. I do know that i see Charles so differently now and I actually have thought the same things that Milissa said to me……’what was I thinking?!’ When I was at my BFF”s house when I looked in the mirror I even remember feeling that I had ME back….that I was seeing ME again!! I guess in some way ..shape or form this is all good except for losing my grandaddy. Please let meknow what you guys think..do I let Charles pay for me to go to services or no?

You guys are all doing so great with these tools and I so look forward to getting to where you all are. I can’t wait to be ok going out by myself and enjoying it….did I just say that?! I really do want to get there and now that I see Charles so differently perhaps I will venture out after Thanksgiving?? Maybe?? We’ll see….baby steps. I am so glad that you are all doing so great. I love you all….
Cassandra

ps…..Daria checkout this website for some info on hormones. www.drbergacupressure.com

I began to get a real taste for going out alone -no hassles with other peoples’ likes and agendas, you’re free to decide at the last minute, change your mind in the middle, do 5 different things in one night (I have the good fortune to live in a large international city with tons going on and good public transportation), or…go off with someone you meet! Because that’s what happens when you’re by yourself: you meet new people, all kinds of people, which doesn’t happen when you have someone with you. And when you go back to the places you like, you start to see some of the same ones again or get recognized by the staff and feel safer and even better, which makes it easier to meet even more people, and then they often tell you about other good places and special events. What’s nice is when you go somewhere like that and run into a face or 2 you know a little from there, can have a few friendly words so don’t feel isolated or awkward, but aren’t tied to anything or anyone – feeling at ease and open to what’s going on and what could happen.

I always choose things that I like for themselves, so I’m fine if I don’t meet anyone. From music (many different kinds), I got into folk dancing, which they often practice here in impromptu outdoor venues, artshow openings, film club projections (because you meet and talk about the movie), and then philosophical cafés – always lots of men there, regular guys not necessarily PhD’s – etc. Psychological and political cafés exist as well – there’s even a love café! (discussion + exercizes about relationships, sexuality and …love, of course, from tantra to Non Violent Communication). Personally, however, I find that movies, exhibitions and the theatre don’t lend themselves as well to going alone.

My ex (one of them): same issue… went out his way to make plans on Friday to see me Sunday… I had to drive he has no car… instead did the thing he used to always do that drove me crazy, showed up with a friend. I shared feeling messages of anger and disappointed, he wanted to kiss me. Asked me to kiss him, I leaned back and held out my arms. He kissed me lightly and said I turned him on. I felt happy but then he tried to keep me around to hang out with him and his friend. I ditched him and friend in 30 seconds at earliest opportunity, driving off with my car door still open! Yay me! It was fun but felt boring.., I used to always have to do this with him. Guess he hasn’t changed… but I have. I am now requiring much more!

Oh yes, I had surgery today, and got a metal plate out of my arm. I feel great! Part of it is me dancing around the tense areas in my body, even got me out of wake-up-too-early-ickiness and grogginess, which used to throw me off for half if not the whole day. I can massage the hurting parts by using my body to dance around them, even subtly. I danced in the recovery room. My recovery lasted about 15 minutes! I am feeling great. I feel like a goddess. I love myself. I feel so hopeful and proud and good.

I want to see Rori post on nutrition and hormones (Rori tell us about hormones and the emotional/sex craving!!).

I love Mama Gena’s book so far! It’s just like Rori teaches us, except it’s a different woman. Rori feels sweeter and gentler and Mama Gena feels more motherly and outrageous. Doing the exercise in Lesson 1 now of the School of Womanly Arts, I love the one that goes… I feel___ and it is RIGHT for me to feel this right now. It’s wonderful to tell myself and feel Right to feel anything, scared, happy, ashamed, tense in my teeth!

Love you guys!

today i picked up a one day side job to bring in some extra money. doesn’t sound like a big deal but it’s actually a pretty big baby step fot me. i am so accostomed to my routine of my life (though i totally want things to be different) that i don’t put out the effort to make changes. sometimes bc progress is so incremental in small ways that i convince myself the small changes won’t help. but the small changes do help. each time i pick up the phone to make an inquiry about a job or opportunity brings me closer to the changes that feel good. and sometimes even the phone calls are scary so i am building my courage muscles as well. i feel good. this side job completely is kinda ick. well not really. ONLY if i had to do it everyday. which thankfully i do not.so for today it is totally awesome and perfect with the added benefit of having the day off from my usual job which is a bit unsatisfying. yae for me.good things. my ex and i are dipping our toes in the water w each other except for i’ve changed and he seems to be offering the same bit of not too much he was offering before.which is totally fine with me.i don’t have my heart set on him being my last stop in dating. if he is i would be happy. if he’s not i will be happy. bc i’m a supasta. :

So yeah, Mr. Oblivion, I hear you, and Iove you too…there must be some kind of valuable lesson you have for me. I embrace the icky little gnome and wait for him to answer. He says “I protect you.” I say that’s all well and good but how on earth is it protective to tell me that I’m doomed? And he says “Make friends with the Abyss.” So I dive in headfirst to that swirling vortex of darkness and see what’s in there. Darkness, emptiness, solitude…and LOVE. Here in the abyss I feel loved and centered, I hold myself. My strength is here. Peace is here. I feel Anchored within myself and I love the safe space I have found in the abyss, and the courage it took me to dive into it rather than denying it. Oblivion’s not so bad after all, I can embrace it.

But now I find myself in a dark underworld where people are closing in on me, people are out to get me, people are out to hurt me. They have razor sharp blades, instruments of torture. And they’re closing in on me, no escape. I hold still and open my arms to embrace them and then they don’t hurt me, they cluster around me in a group hug and I feel so loved. And I feel angry that I can’t feel loved out there in the world. And they say “Let US in first. Baby steps.” And I let them in to heal me, and I’m suddenly aware of a hole in my head through which my energy is ALWAYS going out towards my man. And I want to repair that hole, I want to Honor my boundaries, I want to keep my energy flowing over ME. And there’s a handsome male engineer in my head who helped me build a fountain in my Meadow before (and then helped me consecrate it but we won’t go into that ;D), and he draws up a plan and starts working on the repairs, and he loves me and his energy fills me up, and I love him and why shouldn’t I, he is a part of me even though he is a guy. And I feel whole and healed and that feels like happiness permeating the cells of my body.