Comments on: Quick Tool To Soften Yourself Up

By: Daria

Daria — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 16:31:58 +0000

Uschi — hmm it feels tough to explain. I don’t want you to feel stupid.

Don’t roll your shoulders around, like a big shoulder roll.

This is like a Tiny roll, about halfway of a regular “around” roll. It leaves you with your palms facing forward.

It should feel like you are relaxed and open, no effort to make this tiny roll at all.

By: Uschi

Uschi — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 13:48:04 +0000

well, I feel kind of stupid now because I can only roll my shoulders around not out and my hands never face forward always my side, but rolling them relaxes them but there are not other feelings from my tummy or anything so not sure if I am doing something wrong or this just does’t work for me

By: Daria

Daria — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 00:53:52 +0000

hi uschi… this is not exercise…

roll shoulders Out to sides, relaxing them (once), should wind up with palms of hands facing forward, and feeling relaxed

2 second move, not an exercise

By: Uschi

Uschi — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 01:52:20 +0000

I am not sure I understand this shoulder thing maybe some drawings on how to do it would help – never been one to do excercise

By: gina

gina — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 06:36:54 +0000

Ann that’s totally what I mean – thanks for saying it so well!!

By: Ann

Ann — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 01:14:37 +0000

Gina what I feel you’re saying is… You’re going to speak your feelings but in a way that feels respectful to you. Basically say what you’re feeling but not tearing the other person’s self esteem apart or hurting your relationship with them.

I’m also trying to learn to do this. For me I call it having some tact lol I’m also experimenting with how I do things. As long as I don’t feel like I’m leaning forward in a way that feels icky to me I’m fine with making the first move sometimes.

I feel for me it’s about what feels good to me but really noticing my feelings to be sure I’m acting in a way that feels authenic to me.

By: gina

gina — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 22:48:23 +0000

I don’t like that I basically told him that I didn’t think he was worth the drive. It did seem to hurt his feelings – he looked like he was trying to stay strong while I was beating him up. afterwards, he was telling me about some fun he had the night before, and I felt this pang in my stomach like he was thinking about how he had fun with nice beautiful girls and he wasn’t so sure he needed a headache from me. But then I saw him suck it up and ask me about my weekend. There was a heavy cloud over evening. The place he took me was cool, but my attitude at the beginning undermined his attempt to share it with me. Next time, I will share how I feel, but I want to extend some energy and focus to the other person. I won’t deny my feelings for their sake, but I won’t ignore their feelings or the relationship as if my feelings in the moment are the only thing in the world that matter. I will take the other person into consideration more. Like for instance, with my roommate, sometimes I tell her that I feel aggravated and annoyed (in response to what I perceive as neediness from her). I’m telling the truth. And I’m expressing my feelings, but I intend to find ways to express myself that doesn’t deteriorate a relationship or the other person’s self esteem. Like yesterday she was eating in a way that grossed me out. And rather than express disgust like I sometimes do, or get introverted and dissappointed that I don’t like humans, I looked away calmly and jokingly said “I’m trying not to look or judge.” She said something with her mouth full of food that was falling out of her mouth, and I said “it’s best if you don’t talk.” She started cracking up laughing, and the moment was lighter than it sometimes is when I feel annoyed and disconnect. Most of the time when i feel negative, i keep it inside and i get introverted, which also negatively affects my relationships. I realize that i am very uncomfortable having negative feelings, and this is the first time I’ve given real consideration to how to handle them in the most productive way possible.

By: Flipper

Flipper — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 19:45:35 +0000

Gina, it’s wonderful that you’re finding and writing down all those feelings Now – that’s a way to start practicing – there’s no one, right way. Who wouldn’t have been cranky after driving all that way so late, especially forseeing the return trip well past the middle of the night ?!! I agree with Daria – it was best that you got your real feelings at that moment out, however imperfectly. Did he seem at all hurt? On the contrary – you went on to have a nice time where he took you.

Realizing the feelings you went thru, and expressed or not, is one (good) thing. Ruminating and fretting over them is another, so how about giving yourself a break from trying to figure him and his reactions out. Remember it’s not about him – it never is.

BTW, the girl in the book went on to become severely depressed and anorexic (that word wasn’t used but the symptoms were clear). Neither she nor her loving mother could ever express their emotions to each other, so your comment about your family struck a chord. However much I loved them, I would wonder if these people’s opinions on the matter could be helpful (except perhaps as counter examples)….

By: gina

gina — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 16:05:51 +0000

Daria, sorry I left you feeling unheard. I really appreciate your comments – I didn’t mean to dismiss what you were saying. I don’t completely disagree with you – I’m just sorting these things out. I also know that my mom tries to rationalize her feelings, and that it doesn’t work for her, and that I have a hard time accepting my feelings because of the way she judges feelings. She thought it was uncool of me to express those feelings cause it wasn’t “nice,” and that I was just mad that he didn’t read my mind. She thinks that the way i related to him was inconsiderate of how he would feel hearing about it. My roommate also thinks I was in my crazy bitch mode. Flipper, what you said about how men don’t like women who lean forward and do nice things – its just that I have a history of treating love like War. I am telling you that I’m not nice to guys, I am MEAN so that I get to be the one who hurts first. I was trying to be different this time when I felt the temptation to attack (by expressing feelings), but my mom/roommate’s response got me thinking that maybe I was actually just doing more of the same. I dunno. I honestly am not sure. i can see how I’ve been attached to his response – like I was focused on the fact taht after the first couple of dates, he was chomping at the bit to see me again, and this time that wasn’t the case. So maybe I’m judging how I behaved based on his response. Or maybe I know I missed lots of few feelings afterwards – I didn’t tell him how weird I felt. Or how I felt a little sad. or relieved to finally be there. Or appreciative that he did take me to a cool place. or good in his arms. or good talking with him, or much of anything else. I was able to communicate frustration when i got there, and I communicated that I felt tired later on, and I didn’t keep him in the loop in between – so maybe that’s really what interfered. I’m feeling kinda weird harping on the same thing for so long. I just think this is a key thing for me. i’ve heard that people who struggle with Anorexia tend to grow up in homes where some feelings are unacceptable. I was anorexic as a teen, and I sensed that this dynamic played out in my home, but I wasn’t sure how.

By: Flipper

Flipper — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 13:30:36 +0000

Thank you, Daria, for expressing to Gina how I was also feeling about it. I just didn’t dare, and I admire you for doing so and finding the words and the underlying meanings. This is no criticism of you or your reactions, Gina – in fact, I tend to act and interpret the same way as you. But I want to change that because it’s brought me nothing but …nothing, or grief. A little tough-love feels good after the initial ew, and say-it-like-it-is = truth, i.e. far more helpful.

I, too, believe that apologies are sometimes necessary from women to men AND the best way is the new feeling-message way, where we admit to our feelings of rage, guilt, regret for hurting the other, etc. (all of them) BUT NOT by putting ourselves down, NOT by saying or implying that we had no right to feel or express those feelings.

I’m seeing more and more in all sorts of contexts (literature, world news, etc etc etc), confirmation that the greatest thing we women can offer men (and society and humankind in general, as well as ourselves) is for US TO EXPRESS OUR FEELINGS IN WORDS, and the only actions that really count are when we back away if the situation gets unacceptable, and literally take care of ourselves.

Just finished a novel by male author where the male character demonstrates this to be true, and actually says, repeats, believes and shows that the TLC* from his girl makes him feel BAD, and literally leads him to dump her, rather than feeling grateful and loving. (*Tender loving care in the way we women usually practice it, i.e. giving/doing nice things, deferring to him, never showing our negative feelings, apologizing, making things easy or comfortable for him). And tho’ he has a pang of guilt, he feels justified in that he Cannot believe that she’ll feel bad about it, because she has never shown him that she CAN feel bad. This is not some new book surfing on our touchy-feely age, where just about everyone’s heard so much “psychology” – it was written in the 60′s.